Saturday, January 31, 2015

Where do we go from here?




Our freeloaders seem to only know how to get into confrontation instead of forging consensus to deliver a constitution. Our good for nothing netas need to understand that they need to be flexible and be able to compromise to end the political deadlock instead of playing the blame game.

Our clowns have shown us that they are good at fighting with each other over petty issues but come to an agreement only when it comes to looting the state treasury. I think they have a lot to learn from the common people whom they claim to fight for. 

The common folks have to compromise everyday and sacrifice a lot to provide for their families. Our clowns sacrifice the young ones while promising a better future for all of us but in reality, they are only after the kurchi.

It's about time we took a stand regardless of our political affiliation, religion or ethnicity.  Our young ones should take to the streets and tell the dirty old men to either shape up or ship out. 

I think we should ask our social leaders who have devoted their life to improve society to take the lead because we are tired of our political actors who are better fit for circus acts than writing the constitution.

Our Emperor and his friends have now announced a new series of protest programs that will probably last till the Nepali New Year. Our ruling clowns want to settle everything by pushing for the voting process whereas our opposition buffoons want consensus but do not want to agree to anything.

The 30-party opposition alliance wants to go the people to force the ruling coalition to back down. Why in the world would you want to go back to the people when we have already sent all of you freeloaders to the Constipated Assembly (CA) to give us a constitution? 

Our political parties do not care about the people. Most of our clowns are wild capitalists masquerading as socialists and communists. We have yet to see any social programs that benefit the common people while our byaparis continue to make a killing. 

Our incompetent government can't even provide us a cylinder of cooking gas and yet our Sushil Da and his crew members are not ashamed about it. Our so-called netas have no empathy because all of them suffer from Narcissistic personality disorder. 

Instead of making our lives miserable by carry out chakka jams, rallies and bandas, our opposition wallahs should hire all theater artistes in the country and stage theatres across the country. I think our Maoist and their allies should ask their cultural groups to perform songs and dances while we wait in line to get a refill of cooking gas cylinder.

We have given these buffoons a second chance and they are still not interested to come together to write the constitution. If we are to get a constitution only after everyone is satisfied then we will have to wait for another decade or two decades when most of our so-called top leaders will be in hell. Maybe our young generation of leaders will then finally deliver a constitution.

Our opposition wallahs plan to carry out their protest programs in three phases. I guess the first one will be peaceful rallies, the second will be bandas here and there and the final showdown will probably be inside of the CA Hall. Please do not throw chairs and hurls microphones this time. 

You can disrupt the CA by dancing non-stop for a week and probably get into the Guinness Book of World Records. Do something to make us proud instead of playing the blame game and hurting the common people who really don't want to see the same natak again and again.

Most of our young folks and flower shops wallahs in the country will be happy if our freeloaders don't carry out any bandas on February 14. I think it would be better if our opposition wallahs handed roses to the ruling clowns on that day and make up instead of mocking each other.

I think we should also ask our opposition wallahs not to conduct rallies and other protest nataks on Saturdays as well. Leave Saturdays to the people while you can battle it out with each on weekdays. The common folks have only a day off and they want to visit their friends and families and go to the movies or take their kids to the Zoo unlike our incompetent clowns who have all the free time in the world.

Our clowns need to understand why we are here. Our Emperor and his allies have failed to win the hearts and the minds of folks who really believe in change. We may have gotten rid of one Maharaja but we now have a dozen mini-Maharajas. 

Our  Emperor and his allies have no choice but to work together with the ruling clowns to write the constitution. We are here today because our comrades wanted nothing less than a Constituent Assembly to draft a new constitution. 

It would be stupid for them to boycott or even quit the CA and think that taking to the streets will help to forge consensus among themselves. Please compromise and move on.

Yesterday was Martyrs' Day and as usual, we had a public holiday and our government wallahs did their fake act of remembering the martyrs. Let us all pay tribute to our martyrs who sacrificed their lives for a better Nepal. 

It's a shame that our so-called leaders have failed us miserably and are hell-bent on taking this country down the drain instead of realizing the dreams of the martyrs.



Saturday, January 24, 2015

Musical Chairs



While our clowns are making a fool of themselves by resorting to daang doong inside the CA hall, our cricketers are making us proud by inching closer to the ICC World Cup League Division 1. It would have been nice if our clowns had sorted out their differences over a game of cricket instead of throwing chairs around the CA Hall. 

We should ask Paras Khadka to give a motivational speech to our Constipated Assembly (CA) members once he and his lads come back home. Our cricket team will most likely participate in the World Cup by 2020 but we can't be sure if we will have a constitution by then. 

Our cricketers could certainly teach our con artists how to work as a team instead of going on a rampage and acting like juvenile delinquents.

I think we should ask our Nepal Police to provide riot gears to all CA members and one laathi each as well. Let our clowns battle it out with each other while we stay home, eat badam and suntala while enjoying the rampage live on TV. 

Our Emperor and Dr. Saheb have both become our Prime Monsters and they should have known better. Instead of resorting to acts of vandalism, they should have camped outside the CA building and maybe prevented anyone from going inside. 

A week-long BBQ party with dancing and singing would have been more enjoyable for everyone instead of bandas and other bakwaas nataks.

Umesh Kumar Yadav, our CA member from the UCPN (Maoist) should be awarded the 'Strongest CA Member' title for throwing the chairs around like a wild man. Our government should pay his airfare to participate in 'The World's Strongest Man' competition. 

Who knows, Yadav could bring home a medal and make us all proud. After all, he desperately needs an outlet to vent his anger.

Our buffoons managed to break chairs, hurl microphones and smash tables and TVs while they shouted slogans against the ruling parties. And on top of that, our cadres managed to burn vehicles across the country.  

A taxi driver in Lalitpur was nearly burned alive. Why do our political parties target innocent hardworking folks instead of just shutting down Singha Durbar? 

They tell us that the damage at the CA Hall is around Rs 3 million. I think we need to ask the CIAA to do the math. Maybe some of our civil servants want to make some extra money by inflating the cost of the damages. A few broken mikes, chairs and tables do not cost millions of Rupees unless it was imported from the Middle East where the Sheiks like everything in gold. 

I think it would be better if we just got rid of all the chairs, tables and microphones and placed yoga mats all over the CA Hall. The CA Chairman could begin the session by requesting all members to do the Surya Namaskara. 

Instead of meeting at midnight while everyone is grumpy, the CA members should meet early in the morning on an empty stomach. Then, they would probably agree to almost anything because everyone would want to fill their tummy with some food at the earliest rather than resort to shouting slogans. 

And we won't have to worry about vandalism because no one would have the energy to run around wild when their blood sugar level is low.

The Bideshis have now issued travel alerts requesting their citizens to be careful if they are traveling to Nepal. Our incompetent government should also issue 'visa' alerts requesting all Nepalis to not make the Bideshis a few dollar or pound richer by applying for student and tourist visas to Australia, Canada, the United Kingdom and Amrika.  

Most of  our visa applications are rejected and we still continue to apply for visas to the West. I think our bideshi embassies should at least return some of the money if one does not get a visa instead of extorting hundreds of dollars just to have a glance at the applications.

I think we should also charge tourist fees like the Bhutanese and maybe we will have more civilized tourists who can afford to pay more rather than the ones who seem to enjoy Nepal for less than US$5 per day and act like savages.  

I think tourists from these western countries should be made aware that we only target our own folks while we let the blue-plated wallahs and tourist buses ply on the road during bandas.  

CA Part II still has three years to go and there will be more looting of the state treasury. Our clowns only want to be mini-sinisters and make some dough.  KP Oli wants to be our Prime Monster while Sushil Da, our President. 

How about organizing a game of musical chairs for our top leaders? The top two finishers then can decide whether they want to live in Baluwatar or Maharjgunj.

At the end of the day, it  doesn't really matter if we have a constitution or not. We all have to go to work, pay our bills and hope for a better future while our clowns don't have to work, their bills get paid by the state and they just want to loot everything today as if there is no tomorrow.  

Let us forget about constitution and focus on cricket instead. When our lads return home, let's give them a heroes' welcome. 


Saturday, January 17, 2015

Dead End




It seems that the only thing our incompetent clowns know is how to shut down the country and make our lives miserable. Our clowns need to learn how to drive the country forward instead of shutting down the country for no good reason. 

It's not our fault that these buffoons can't seem to agree on anything. The only time they agree is when they get to share the loot and keep the funds for development projects for themselves.

We placed our faith on these incompetent clowns even though we knew very well that they would keep on procrastinating and give us nothing. We are wasting billions of Rupees to feed these greedy lazy bums and yet they are not ashamed of not doing their job.

And here we are now, almost a year later since we gave our clowns a second chance, and they have nothing to show for it. Our ruling clowns want to settle the disputed issues through a vote in the CA, while our opposition wallahs want a constitution based on so-called consensus.

It seems that both sides do not know how to find common ground and bring an end to the political deadlock. Maybe, we need a mediator who can help our clowns to at least agree to come up with a first draft of the constitution by next week. 

It's a shame that our freeloaders need help from foreign handlers to write the constitution. Yes, our clowns do not trust each other and don't listen to our own Nepali experts. And they see no shame in kissing bideshi arses for their own self-interest.

Maybe, NaMo should visit Nepal again and spend a week promising freebies to our CA members. After all, our clowns beg the junior officers at the Indian Embassy for help in getting their kids to Indian universities, seeking medical treatment for their dear one and boras of cash to contest elections.

Our government is not worried about common folks going hungry due to shortage of cooking gas. Maybe, they just want us to eat instant noodles and help Binod Dai top the Forbes Billionaire List this year. Our clowns think we are better off  if we have shutdowns in the country.  

They do not have to worry about paying their bills because they get free lunch from the state treasury.  They all claim to fight for the people but the common folks are the ones who suffer the most from the bandas.

Our Emperor and his friends should shut down Singha Durbar and promise to give us all a re-filled cylinder of cooking gas within a week.  Do mobilize your cadres to deliver the cooking gas cylinders to each household. 

At least that will help to win the hearts and minds of the Nepali people instead of asking us to stay home and go hungry. Yes, we do need the constitution but for now, all we want is some cooking gas.

A news portal has declared 10 best Constipated Assembly (CA) members of 2014. Maybe, we should assign the task of writing our constitution to these ten amigos. Ronado recently won the FIFA Ballon d'Or because he was voted the best football player in the world. 

I don't know what these top 10 CA members have done in the past year to be called the 'best'. Maybe, they dress better than the rest or have less body odor. We don't know but let us congratulate them and hope they will continue to be in the top 10 because this CA thing will probably go on for another decade before we get a constitution.

Dr. Saheb seems to be the only person from the UCPN-Maoist to be in the top 10. If he was still in Baluwatar then maybe, our incompetent government agencies would have wrapped up the road widening projects in the valley by now. And we also have our Kamal Dai, who wants to be the 'Holy King' by 2020, on the list as well.

We all know that most of our so-called leaders are only in it to make some moolah. Most of them have never worked for more than a few years and do not how hard it is for all of us to provide for our families. We do not get free rides, security and chiya kharcha from the state and nor do we get any free medical treatment overseas. 

Our transportation wallahs only want to fleece us and make more money. Our police wallahs are busy providing security to our clowns and do not have time to protect the public. Well, they do have time to bust college kids from movie theaters but can't go after the black marketers and folks who are engaging in criminal activities.

Our clowns get to fly in air ambulances and visit top doctors in foreign lands for minor illnesses while most of us can't even afford to seek medical treatment at our hospitals. 

At the end of the day, we just want an end to the shortages of food, fuel and other essential items. If our clowns can't work together to even provide the basic services to the common citizens then they have no right to lead us.

Our Emperor and his friends plan to show their strength this Tuesday. If you really want to scare the ruling clowns then don't shut down the country. Go gherao all the residences of our ruling clowns. Shut down Baluwatar. If you cadres are itching to hurl stones then do so but  do not burn down public vehicles and make common citizens suffer. 

You can practice your stone-throwing skills on each other instead. It would be better if our politicians slapped, punched and bit each other instead of mobilizing their cadres to harass common citizens and bring the country to a halt.



Monday, January 12, 2015

Go Swiss!




Our political pickpockets are busy doing what they know best. They like to disagree on everything and nobody wants to be flexible on anything. I think we need to send all our freeloaders to a week-long extreme yoga sessions. 

Maybe, they will learn how to bend their backs without dislocating their discs. Yes, please call Ram Dev Baba for a closed-door session for our constipated assembly (CA) members. 

I think we should not blame majority of our CA members for not being able to give us even a first draft of the constitution within a year. After all, it's only a dozen of our so-called leaders of major political parties who get to decide what's best for all of us. 

It would have been easier and much cheaper if we had only one party, one member CA thing. Maybe, that will happen the third time around.

We would only need to feed 30 or so folks and if they didn't complete the task they were assigned then it would be easier to deport them to the country of their foreign handlers. And the rest of the money we have wasted on 601 freeloaders could have been invested in some hydropower project and we would have had at least one hour less load shedding during the winter.

The Constipated Assembly (CA) has now sent back the report of the Constitutional Political Dialogue and Consensus Committee (CPDCC) for consensus.  We just can't understand why our clowns love to play this back and forth game. Stop wasting our time and call it quits. 

We all know that these blood-sucking parasites will not be pulling a rabbit out of a hat. Instead, these pickpockets will keep on playing the 'blame game'. 

Some of our comrades want a 'national unity' government. Some want 80% of the seats because they claim to have won the same percentage of land during the bunker days. 

And our Kangaroos and United Mundrey Leaders think it will be all fun and dandy if they go for the voting process to resolve the contentious issues. Well, our clowns have still not found any common ground on how many provinces we need or what kind of governance we want and the electoral and judicial system.

I think our clowns should just go 'Swiss'. Yes, we can't make everyone happy. Our Emperor wants to be the 'El Presidente' for life so that he can keep everything for himself. Other buffoons want to be 'Prime Monster' so that they can share the loot among their cousins and cadres. 

I think we should follow the 'Swiss' formula and have a collective head of state instead. The Swiss have the Federal Council where seven samurais get to serve as the collective head of state.  

Yes, we don’t need a President whose job it seems is to only attend our religious festivals. We don't need a Prime Monster, whose job it seems is to invite other knuckleheads for tea at Baluwatar and waste time by indulging in hawa-tari guffs.

Let's have the Seven Samurai head their own ministries instead of having a bus-load of ministers. And among the seven, one gets to be the President for a year without any real power to act like a dictator. 

I think if our clowns really believe in democracy then we should go 'Swiss'. Instead of only allowing our clowns to enact laws and change the constitution on their own, a referendum should be made mandatory. We, the common citizens should have the right to challenge any law passed by own clowns.

I think the reason we have so many political parties in this land of ours is because the Election Commission wallahs will register a party if they can gather 10,000 signatures. I think we should scrap the registration of all our political parties and start again. 

Yes, let's increase the number of signatures required to ten times more or don't be surprised if somebody opens a 'Nepal Messi Party'. It would be easier to get 10,000 signatures within a week if your political party is named after Lionel Messi. Of course, Messi could sue the party for using his name but that's another story. We are lucky to have our courts that ask a CDO to pay Rs 100 fine for not following their orders. Messi could get a few Rupees more but not much.

We think of ourselves as the 'Switzerland' of Asia. Well, many of our great clowns had earlier promised to turn Nepal into Switzerland. We can't be Singapore because we are landlocked like the Swiss. 

We just need to focus on making chocolates and great watches. And if we can be bankers like the Swiss then we could make some money as well. We could get rich clients from Chindia who wants to hide their assets in foreign banks. 

After all, both Ping Pong and Namkeen are after 'black' money. And where would our clowns hide their ill-gotten wealth?  They don't need to open Swiss bank accounts like the Desis or the Dumpling gangs. They can buy LPG bottling plants, invest in shopping malls, media and banks in their own land and get away with it.

So, if our loafers can't decide on anything then it would save us a lot of money if we could just go 'Swiss'. We might not be able to make chocolates and cheese because the milk price is crazy but we can all learn yodeling for now and also ask the Swiss Embassy in town to organize a 'yodeling' festival for our inept clowns. After all, our clowns don't need much training when it comes to going back and forth. 


Saturday, January 3, 2015

Coats, Cooking Gas & Constitution


First of all, let us all thank our Dairy Development Corporation (DDC) for raising the milk price as we welcome 2015. Now, we might have to think twice about drinking doodh-chiya and maybe it will force us to drink black tea only. 

Our local chiya pasals might want to raise their milk tea prices but if they do so then we won't find armchair political analysts at such places discussing politics early in the morning. 

I think our government should do us all a favor by giving each household a "Holstein Cow' and provide subsidy on fodder. Yes, if we all have a cow at home then we could drink some milk and sell some to DDC as well. DDC would not have to import milk from India and we could all pitch in to meet the market demand for milk. 

Fuel prices have gone down considerably in the past few months but our transport wallahs are not interested to reduce the transport fare accordingly. Most of our clowns are either communists or socialists but they have not shown any desire to formulate policies and programs for the welfare of the common folks. 

Our government seems to be unable to control food prices and prevent our transport wallahs, private schools and hospitals from overcharging us for everything.  It is only us the common citizens who abide by the law while our byaparis are free to make a killing and they only facea slap on the wrist even when they are caught selling adulterated products or evading taxes.

We have a cooking gas shortage every winter. NOC blames maintenance work at the Indian depot this time. But our gas dealers seem to make money anyway. They either ask consumers to buy a new cylinder instead of a refill if they want some cooking gas. NOC was supposed to implement its dual-cylinder policy a long time ago. 

I think it's about time NOC implement the dual pricing and cylinder system as soon as possible. Our gas dealers don't want to spend another extra Rupee to change the colors of the cylinder and NOC can't seem to do anything about it. It seems that our byaparis are running the show in our land.

NOC tells us that it is losing hundreds of Rupees on cooking gas. Why not just go ahead and start charging Rs 2,000 per cylinder for commercial users. I am sure our five star hotels, big businesses and restaurants can easily afford to buy cooking gas cylinders at market price. Meanwhile, the common folks should get at least one free cooking gas refill every winter.

Our folks in Terai and the hilly regions are affected by the cold wave every winter but our incompetent government does nothing to help them. Let us thank the people for their private initiatives to buy blankets and coats for the needy. 

It's about time, we all got a coat and a blanket from the government every winter. It will help us to keep warm and our elderly and children will not have to lose their lives due to the cold.

Our incompetent government does not seem to care for the welfare of the society. Our clowns, civil servants and contractors have joined hands to loot the state treasury and take this country down the drain.  

These three groups of criminals only think about the welfare of their near and dear ones while common citizens have to be content with false promises, slow delivery of basic services and shoddy development works.

We only have less than three weeks left for us all to run out of our homes and celebrate the deliverance of a new constitution by our clowns. But our clowns are not even sure if they can deliver us a draft of the new constitution by January 22nd. 

Our clowns tell us that they are not legally bound to bring the constitution by then but that does not mean that they can procrastinate and take all their time agreeing to disagree on everything except the looting of the state treasury.

Our clowns seem to have no idea what consensus means when it comes to delivering the new constitution. I think we should all remind them that they should follow the same path of consensus when it comes to corruption and apply it to draft the new constitution. 

Our clowns all consent to share the development budget among them instead of it reaching to the intended beneficiaries. Why can't they for once agree to give us a new constitution and other amendments can be made later on through the parliament. 

But of course, our freeloader are still stuck with how many provinces we need and if we need a President like the Amrikans or a Prime Minister like the British. 

If we have a strong President like the Amrikans then we will have one person heading the show for at least four to five years. If we have a strong Prime Minister then he or she will most likely be thrown out of office by members of his or her own party like they did to Thatcher. 

Our Emperor wants to be the new President because he would be our commander-in-chief as well and then he can use the military helicopter every weekend to go to Rolpa and drink some moonshine and mutton chops. 

KP Oli wants to be our next Prime Monster so that he can help more mundrey gundas to become mantris. We, the common citizens just want a winter coat, a cooking gas refill and a (draft of the ) constitution as soon as possible.