Friday, July 29, 2011

Show Me the Money...

*Guff Suff: Guffadi / The Week - Republica, Friday, July 29th 2011 (Editor's cut... sut!)

Former IGP Om-ey Dai must be sipping black tea and playing Ludo at Dili Bazaar because he really can’t afford to fork up the bail money rey.

I hope Rubel, our “foreign prince” is sipping whiskey in Dhaka and counting his change from the VoIP and Sudan scams! And if Sujata Auntie becomes a mantri-ni again, he can come back and run another scam or two feri!

Our other two former IGPs are now back home after showing us the money. Where in the world do you get 5-7 crores? The last time I checked them genealogical charts, both of them were not related to Dhir Shumsher or any of our 22-24 kings from the Middle Ages.

If all them scams were to be investigated, then we’ll have to build a new mega prison for all our corrupt civil servants and hopefully we can pay off our foreign debts from all them bail money ni!

What about our netas and neti-nis? Well, they are our new Shree Tins and we can only find the truth if we arrest all of their PAs and hurl them into a sisnu farm! I think our per capita income will be on par with Singapore if one day we do get our money back from all these corrupt bums and bum-nis!

Our so-called leaders are all sick. No wonder the country is in a coma! Most of them seem to suffer from high blood pressure.

I hope they take up yoga vigorously and drink karelako juice by the drum loads. If that doesn’t work, then they can always hop on a plane and go to New York, Bangkok or Singapore for their medical care at our expense ni!

Jhallu Baba is busy inaugurating all the events he is invited to before he packs up and leaves Baluwatar. I hope he’s already chosen which SUV he would like to take home after he’s done cutting all them ribbons.

Prachandoo is still busy with his magic tricks. He must’ve headed a circus in his previous life. Our Mao-buddies have decided to reshuffle their play-list, and this tyam, the former Masal-ey, Narayan Kazi Dai will get to be the ‘Homie’ minister! Top Bahadur will still be a mantri and Post Bahadur will be our information mantri.

Can we get a comrade named ‘Bottom’ and make him a mantri as well?

Sher-ey Dai thinks he should head the national team and wear the captain’s armband this tyam.

I guess Dr Saheb needs to tell the Kangaroo that the last time he was our prime-monster, he dissolved all them local bodies and we’re still suffering to this day.

And it’s about time our crooked netas stop sending 8th graders to head them public enterprises like Nepal Airlines or even appointing ministers who have no experience whatsoever. We have astrologers heading the Science portfolio, farmers heading Health ityaadi.

We beat them East Timorians and we thought we were ready to take on the world. Well, them Jordanians showed us how to play football, belly-dancing eestyle! Yes, our national team lacked international exposure, no diet-siet, and the last time they were in a gym was when Ganesh Thapa used to be the President of ANFA.

Ye...sorry! He’s still the Prezzie and he’ll be around in 2030 when the East Timorese will beat us 7-0 hola ni.

I guess nobody taught our national players that defense wins the game kya. And if you aren’t able to mark your man, then gather up and hang around the goalpost baroo!

We shouldn’t blame our players, or our “British” coach, or Ganesh Dai. Let’s all blame Nepal Tourism Board (NTB) for this dismal result. Ho ra bhanya? Yes, our NTB-wallahs should’ve visited Jordan a day or two before the game and handed out ‘free mountain flights’ and ‘bungee, paragliding and rafting’ vouchers to them Jordanians ni!

Then maybe they would’ve been kind enough to send in their reserve players and not make us look like fools kya. Once your opponent starts scoring five goals, then it’s about time you realize that prancing around in the field isn’t going to work.

Either you start playing kabbadi or just lie on the field and refuse to play kya (Nepal Banda!).

Next tyam we play them Arabs, can our players get a crash course on Arabic 101? You don’t need to learn much.

Just few words like “Please, take it easy” or “May King Abdullah live for 1,000 years!” or just keep on chanting “Praise be to Allah!” over and over again.

I’m sure that would really make them score fewer goals because they would be spending most of their time correcting your accent or making fun of how you’re saying it all wrong!

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