Prachanda, our former warrior turned emperor turned magician is now in his final attempt to make some more moolah for his mohalla. If you want to be a lawmaker in this great land of ours, you have three options. One, is to join a political party and become a loyal cadre, slog it out for decades and finally get the ticket to stand up for election and win the god damn thing and hopefully get to be a mantri and make some money.
The second option is to be a contractor or a byapari, just give your illegal money (from fake VAT bills or tax evasion or everything not legal) to a political party. Either the party gives you a ticket for the election or will make you a MP from their PR seat. The PR route is easier. Just ask our byaparis and even a former chairman of another political party who gave more than 10 crores to Oli Baba to get a PR seat from the United Mundrey Leaders.
The third option is to be a social activist or a person who rants a lot who opens a new political party and wins seats in the election and gets to be a mantri. The grumpy old men have shown us that these old buffoons still have some muscles (due to lot of money stashed in their backyard or the Cayman Islands). Look at Deuba, Oli, Makune and other old fogies who managed to win from their ilaka again.
We have new political kids in town, the Rastriya Swatantra Party (RSP), Janamat Party and the Nagrik Unmukti Party. Whatever happened to our Sajha and Bibeksheel wallahs? Rabindra Mishra is now a big man in the RPP. Good luck to him and no thanks for wasting our time, opening a new party and then leaving to join the right-wing wallahs. If RSP, JP and NUP band together, then they could run the government without the help of others come 2027!
Well, let's get back to Prachanda, our savior who has now taken the chill pill and seem to have a change of heart when it comes to everything. The Maobaddies started out as teacher-killing, temple-bashing communist warriors. They looted banks and extorted money not only from our chor byaparis and high level government officials but also local school teachers, NGO staff and anybody who seem to have a few wads of cash.
We heard about folks forced to chew playing cards, getting flogged and made to do hard labor for marrying more than once. Thank God, they didn't punish the drunkyards in the villages by forcing them to drink a whole vat of local jaad!
Well, the so-called People's War from 1996 to 2006 destroyed our so-called economy but folks in Kathmandu Valley should thank the Maoists for the real estate market. Your 6 anna land would not be worth 30 lakhs but is today worth 3 crores due to Prachanda and his gang. So, we all need to thank Prachanda for making us rich and making us sell our land and drive around in expensive vehicles and enjoying Thakali thalis.
Our poor government now has to pay billions more to security personnel. We didn't have the Armed Police Force then. Our Nepal Army was half the size it is today. It's about time our incompetent government downsize our security forces and save us some money. We are not invading India anytime soon and we won't be attacked by China unless we offer Nepali Citizenship to His Holiness.
Our Armed Police Force should protect our borders. Our Army wallahs should be made a permanent rapid reaction force for the UN and maybe we will also get a permanent seat at the UN Security Council as well. Well, we can build our own home-made nuclear reactor and get some nukes.
After all, we are surrounded by Nukist countries. The Chineses, the Desis, The Pakistanis. Maybe, rest of the SAARC countries should get a nuke or two as well. We all can display it in our international airports so all foreign tourists can take a selfie or two.
Well, let's come back to Prachanda again. The first version of his Prime Monstership was more like that of a juvenile delinquent. The second stint was more like a confused young adult. Now, we hope he will finally act like a consenting adult.
Prachanda will switch sides faster than you can cook your Current chow chow. He is like a snake charmer. But this time, he has finally come back home. He is no longer the confused communist.
He doesn't hate temples, teachers or even the daura suruwal! He even consults an astrologer to figure out the right time to move into Baluwatar. Don't be surprised if he joins the RPP in the next election and becomes our President. He is a magician. He will use every tricks in his magic book to be in power.
In a year or two, the current coalition will fail again. Oli will become our Prime Monster if he is still alive. Let's pray for his good health. We need a national comedian for a few more years.
Let us wish Prachanda well , the man who will now not waste taxpayers money on expensive stuff but will sleep on the floor instead of a bed worth lakhs, eat only one saadha meal per day and will quit drinking Blue Label and become a Vegan as he enters the Baluwatar Palace for the third time.
And talking about standing up for elections, let's guess where Prachanda will fight for election next time around. He has been to Kirtipur, Siraha, Chitwan and now Gorkha. Hope it will be Rukum or Rolpa next time hai!
Deuba will wait while he drinks his whiskey. He is a a patient man. His astrologer is always right. He will once again become our PM. Until then, let us enjoy the show. Who needs Netflix? Our political drama is better than them Korean ones!
For complaints, send me an email at maguffadi@gmail.com
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