News from Nepal

Jhallu Baba gets another portfolio.... no, he's not getting inspired by attending all them art exhibitions kya... he will now handle them additional portfolio of Deputy Prime-Monster and Foreign Minister and Ministry of Commerce and Supply because our brother, Upey aka Upendra Yadav (the foreign tourist!) is out of town rey.

Jhallu is everywhere.. he is in Kaski to hoist them green flag to declare it 'no shitting outside anymore' district! Then he's back in Kathmandu to have some tea while he gets to watch some guy displaying them nakkali bhoto and then he attends some paddy ceremony and plants the seed weed!

What's next? How about running them Kathmandu Marathon in September! But of course... we never know when he has to move out from Baluwatar .... and it's cool to be a neta.... you get a free gas-guzzling brand new SUV when you are done ... doing nothing!

I think Upey dai should pitch a TV show to them cable channels in Amrika.. how about .. 'Around the World in 60days' .. and we can watch Upey trying some shark-fin soup or snails! He is now in Lithuania to participate in some meeting seating... and the Ministry of Foreign Affairs can save few Rupees if they give him a T-shirt passport kya! Yes, just give Upey a t-shirt with our government ko logo and all them countries can just stamp their stuff on his looga!

Nepal beats them Timoris 2-1.... them folks are ranked like 200th and they don't even have them league seague... they just gather a bunch of folks and ask them to play football and we still can't beat them well. Who was that clown who got two yellow cards and was sent off? C'mon.. playing the East Timorians is like them football league-wallahs playing a high school team kya!

What did you do to get two yellow cards against them minnows? Pulled your opponent's ears or gave him a wedgie .. I don't know! I am happy that we won but I hope we don't get thrashed by them Jordanians!

SP Ramesh Kharel is now in Parsa... so I hope them criminals in Birgunj will now shit their pants hola ni. I feel sorry for Ramesh dai... in a country of old grumpy men and young thieves ... we still have a few honest folks... if we had like 20-30 of them Ramesh dai clones... then all them goondas will have to take them Korean exams and hope to get a job in Korea hola ni!

And our journalists are using their creativity more than ever.... the Kathmandu chapter handed a lamp to the CDO to make it easier for the sarkari hakims to search for that Biratnagar ko Don rey!

Did you hear about this guy who used to be our Ambassador to Bangladesh few days ago.. well, he got called back because..... he wanted to pay them taxes rey! Lau ja.... what was he thinking.. must have had too much of them fish curry in Dhaka hola ni.

Your Excellency, you represent a country where them tax evaders rule kya... so trying to pay taxes on your bideshi bhatta is like trying to walk around some nudist beach fully dressed ... you will look like a fool.. hehe! Me and my analogies.. they suck don't they?

Rule of Law?

***I have a weekly column with Republica... this guff was published (this is the editor's cut hai!) on June 24th, 2011 in The Week! Thank you to all them hawties and nawties @ Republica... and for giving me some bhatta satta so that I can contribute it to fund a local school in Dolpa***

Let’s forget about the Constitution! Our corrupt clowns (read netas) will lose out on the fun if they deliver the Constitution, kya. And we don’t want that, do we? Skimming the Budget meant for the poor and the needy is what our netas and their chamchas do!

What do we do?

Nothing!

The SLC results are out. Them folks at the Examination Comptroller’s Office should be penalized for bringing out the results a week earlier.

Or maybe our CA clowns can learn a thing or two from them. Can we at least get our first draft of the Charter a week earlier than promised?

No!

Do we really need a prime monster? I don’t think so. What we need is an official “ribbon cutter”’ so that the man from Baluwatar can stop wasting our taxpayers’ money on them security, fuel and what not to attend them exhibitions and fairs, kya.

What’s up with them security vehicles for our great crooks – oops, I meant cooks – because, after all, they are cooking the perfect recipe for “New” Nepal, hoina ra? Aren’t we tired of staring at them APF buffoons flailing and flapping their hands as if they intend to fly out of them vehicles?

Have you ever been behind them APF vehicles, driven by crazy security personnel who drive worse than a drunk driver? Or maybe they’re just trying to swerve around them potholes in the city, or they took their defensive driving course from some guy who was suffering from a bad itch?

I don’t know if Baluwatar gets them Himalayan spring water because whoever gets to crash, they all tend to be all chillo and moto-ghato! While Obama is going grey and probably suffering from ulcers, panic attacks and what not, our so-called leaders look like they’ve discovered the fountain of youth and they are just hitting puberty now, kya!

Sushil Da is in New York, drinking Slurpees and having a brainfreeze hola. Prachandoo will probably go on a one-day tour outside the country soon. I think he should just get a private jet. He can afford one, ni! And Jhallu Baba will get a new SUV when he walks out of Baluwatar. But until then, he should enjoy attending them art exhibitions and relax hola ni!

The great cabbie-turned-criminal-turned-political cadre is still nowhere to be found. Yes, I’m talking about that jackass in Biratnagar. UML (Unidentified Moronic Losers) still wins the award for hiring more local thugs to head their local Youth Force circus troupe, kya. I think the guy should be given a medal and a madal as well.

Why? Because he’s the face of “New”Nepal where the law is blind and so are we. And these goons can beat up journalists and taunt our poor police-wallahs to arrest them. And what can we learn from Parshuram Basnet? Well, if you want to make it big in this country and make billions, then make sure you grease the palms of every corrupt son of gun in town.

So the next time, you want to achieve the New Nepal dream, make sure you have all the contacts from local political leaders to cops to smugglers and contract killers. We’re turning into a mini Bihar while the real Bihar is slowly cleaning up its act.

Even our gangsters are taking their cue from them Desi movies!

So just make a list of folks you don’t want to mess with in our “New Nepal” – Cabbies, Crooks, Cops, and Corrupt Clowns! Don’t argue with a cabbie after dark. Either you pay his price or prepare to walk all the way home to eat your rice!

Don’t try to be a hero by trying to fight with them crooks. They are all politically affiliated and pay both them cops and corrupt clowns. So either way, you lose – unless you can pay all three of them. Then you’ll be a very successful businessman and can get away without paying them taxes, and rather getting refunds on your fake VAT bills.

When it comes to cops, you don’t want to be a friend or a foe with these folks. And let’s not blame them: they’re just following orders and they’re good at what they do.

Like? Working as security guards for them corrupt clowns and beating up innocent students by barging into campuses and swinging their laathis like crazy while them UML thugs who burnt them vehicles sip tea and enjoy the police brutality from a local chiya pasal across the street!

Laws in Nepal are meant to be broken.

Them criminals and our corrupt clowns have made a mockery of the laws of the land. “Rule of Law” – Goli maaro! “Rule of Low Life” – Zindaabaad!

Jai Hos! and Welcome to New Nepal!

(Guffadi blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com)

Republica Link:

Handcuffs & a Bulb...

Rubel, the 'Fresh Prince' from the House of Koiralas... fled to Bangladesh! Sujata auntie is the most powerful woman in Nepal hola hagi! If only she was not so ghoos-khori and rakshesh-ni (demon-ni!) .... then we would probably have our first woman prime-minister! From NAC to VoIP to APC scams.. look around... and Sujata and Rubel seem to have made some moolah!

Hope someday we will have an all-women cabinet.... Anuradha Koirala , Rita Thapa and Sapana Malla .... you know women like them instead of a drunk cougar like Sujata or KP Oli's girlfriend, Bidya didi or even Arzoo Deuba ... real women poop... bad women just do the hula-hoop! What? Sorry.... trying to be funny, a friend of mine has sent me an email .... blasting me for writing jpt and trying to be funny kya!

I think if Kamal Thapa really wants to pump up the volume for Lord Vishnu and Co. then why not do a 'Jail Rubel' circus act in Kathmandu ni! We would all join in the fun .. and head to Sujata auntie's house and have some BBQ, Beer and Bangla Hip-Hop music kya. Let's do it on Saturdays ....please!

And once again.. them stolen vehicles and nakkali plates stuff is in the news! Yes, our Mao-buddies get to put them 'White & Yellow' number plates on them chorey-ko vehicles and drive around the country kya! They get the same respect as them 'Blue-plated' vehicles our INGOs and diplomatic morons drive around in.... you can park wherever you want and you can even hit and run and nobody will arrest you kya!

But looks like our Nepal police (yes we have stupid dumb cops as well!) managed to get hold of them stolen vehicles with nakkali plates and they confiscated them vehicles but couldn't arrest them Mao-buddies! Why? Well, every tyam them comrades get arrested ... they all do them dance sance and sing MC Hammer ko 'U Can't Touch This' rey.... nobody wants to touch them hai!

Our comrades were busy using them vehicles to smuggle goods from India rey. If you buffoons hadn't wasted so much tyam waving them black flags @ Sood then he would have given you all them goods for free ni! Wouldn't it be fun if all them PLA folks were sent to guard them borders? Then you can probably smuggle a nuclear device .... and maybe fake Amriki dollars (instead of them ICs!) .... ye, we can open a North Korean embassies in them border towns!

Why? Because they do export them fake Marlboros, Amriki Dollars and nakkali branded goods all over them developing countries kya!

Yes, Kimmy Dai can have like all different sections in all them border towns kya. If you want to apply for visa to North Korea.. go to Birgunj. If you want to import North Korean mud soup then go to Bhairahawa... if you want to export Nepali 'Viagra' then visit the export office in NepalGunj!

And our chor-police still haven't found the Don from Biratnagar. Mr. Parshuram Basnet, the main jackass behind the attack on Republica ko journalist is having chicken chilly and local wine somewhere ... and unless we give KP Oli a prostate exam... we might never find out where he is hiding!

Lazimpat ko manpower company ma shooting garney haroo chahi fela parney.... but you can't find that low-life in Biratnagar? Our police-wallahs haroo pani joker nai hoon hagi! And where the @$#! is them YCLs.... ye I forgot... Prashuram has also paid them Mao-buddies too... so nobody wants to find this guy because that would be like killing the golden goose ki kay bhancha ni!

I think it's about tyam.. we give them Aesop's fables (Nepali ma !) to all our netas and their chamchas... instead of them crazy 'Red' communist book they seem to have memorized... which is like reading the World Almanac published in 1939 and still thinking Hitler is running around Germany, singing love songs about them so-called Aryan race or something! I have no idea what I am trying to say.... but who gives a @#!$ ni?

And our journalists went to them CDO ko Office and handed some gifts for our Home Minister, Mr. Mahara. Yes, handcuffs and a bulb rey! Waaah.. this is much better than shutting down the country and demanding action sanction hoinuh ruh? Or maybe either our journalists are too kinky or they know some secret 'X' life of Mahara .. haha!

The CDO (Corrupt District Officer)... has promised to hand over them gifts to Mr. Mahara. Diyeko diye ho.... our sarkari hakims are so @#$!ing corrupt... he will probably take it home and use that bulb to replace the one in his bathroom and use them handcuffs on some poor domestic helper, he brought along from some gaun when he was posted there years ago!

Or if he really hands them to Mr. Mahara then what would our Homie do? Maybe Mahara is a kinky comrade.. he can use them handcuffs when he has them guff suff with his Chinese handler hola ni.... and the bulb? Can somebody from Norvic give Mahara a prostate exam and use that bulb to check if the Indian Embassy hasn't planted any listening device up his arse yet?

Around the World...

I thought Gaddafi would be gone by now.... well, not yet ... he's now busy playing chess ... kay taal ko? Prada plans to do their IPO @ Hong Kong and raise like 2+ billion dollars rey! Maybe, we can just send him to Prada and make him the next in-house designer... he's got good taste... all them curtain jastai dresses and silly photos-tasey-ko suits ... haha!

Hope one day... our very own Prabal Gurung (PG) will raise billions when he goes public kya! But them fashion sayshun industry is very tough rey... so good luck PG! I think he should just re-name his brand 'Praba' or 'PraGu' .... okay PraGu sounds lame.. or go with GrG (short form for Gurung!)... I don't know but PG should also design them Men's Wear ki kay bhancha ni!

I would buy them suit from him if he comes up with one.... and I will throw my Armani thing or give it to mero alumni organization ko paaley ..... because I don't know why I bought that suit and where I am going to wear it now... my new 2011 ko eestyle is a big-arse umbrella, big-arse jhola (mini-office nai ho!) and stinky sneakers, jeans etiyaadi! Maathi chai.. no, I don't have the Salmaaney body kya.. so I can't be walking around Kathmandu showing my body sody... so I just grab a t-shirt or a rag from my closet!

Ye.... feri wandering around.. let's get back to the story of the day.....sometimes I wonder... how one jackass can rule for such a long tyam!

Hitler was a jackass but he got only few years to party and do his funny hand signals ni! How the @#$! did an Austrian screw the entire nation of beer-drinking, sausage-eating Krauts? I don't know ... but that silly mustache and funny hand signs must have done the trick hola hagi!

Castro is still alive and kicking.... err.. smoking them Cubans .. both the people and the cigars pani.. hehe! Fidel did his thing to get rid of them one-man dictatorship .. and what did he turn out to be .. another dictator himself kya! Well, I hear them education and health care stuff are pretty good in Cuba... but I guess people don't only want them free aspirins and a college degree!

We all want to do our own thing... some of us will make tons of money , some of us will die broke but we will all be happy if we are least bothered by the government... hoinuh ruh? Abuh Nepal ko tuh kay ko government.. we don't have one.. we are governed by bunch of thugs who only think about looting them national coffers ni!

The North Korean comedian is living the good life! While the rest of them North Koreans are eating mud soup, Kimmy dai likes to drink them expensive French wine and swine and orders tap dancing shoes from Italy rey! What? Now.. he's into tap dancing hola ni!

Prachandoo could have been with us for a long tyam ... but it looks the Mao-buddies will split into two! No, Mohan Baidya is just trying to scare Prachandoo... at the end.. he will always be with the buffalo-milk-drinking, Chitwan ko dada ... hehe!

Yes, Baburam will walk away and form his own party rey! I heard it from a guy (he works for the Indian Embassy as a janitor aka RAW agent!) who was eating a Pizza @ Fire & Ice! No, he was trying to impress some Kuire-ni .... I just like to eavesdrop kya!

I love the rain.... raati bhaye ki.. babaal paani parcha! I think it's about tyam, somebody organized them co-ed Kabbadi games in the middle of the night in Tundikhel! What say you?

Monsoon Wedding...

The Monsoon has begun... good news for our farmers... bad news for them folks who build them houses next to them khola sola... Nepal ma every year.. we have them baadi-saadi and looks like not much has changed since we were kids!

Even today, we have them landslides ..... if you get hit in the head by them cricket balls then you wear a helmet ni... but our so-called government, jo aye pani.... it's the same BS kya! Still remember them days .. when we used to organize them walkathons and fundraising dinners for them flood victims.... and our kids will be doing the same hola!

I am not married and no, Ms. Lopez ... Jorge is not my kid! Anyways... our so-called sarkari hakims blame them rain sain.... runways disintegrating... blame it on the rain... ye, tyo tuh Milli Vanilli ko geet po ho ni! Hehe.... myan those two clowns were my favorite until they got caught... they didn't sing them songs rey!

Jahiley pani ... monsoon season agaadi Bato Sato black-topped... and our contractors make tons of money.. and wait for the rain to wash it away and they get paid again to do the same thing .... next monsoon as well!

And thanks to our netas.... all them budget sudget for bato ghato go to the local political leaders and funny thing is .. they get paid for them roads that were already built years ago pani!

Kya mazza... Naya Nepal ma ..... while our netas sing 'Happy Days Are Here Again!' ... hami chahi kay gauney .. 'It's the same old song' hola ni!

And it's not their fault ni.. let us not blame them criminals and corrupt clowns hai! Our fiscal year (FY) ends on Asad... like mid-July.. thyakkai monsoon ko bela ma... and budget sudget sakau-noo paryo ni bhatey haroo lay!

So let's move FY to September .. baroo hami lay Dashain ma naya looga kinya jastai ... sarkar lay pani janta lai naya bato dincha ki? Or we do it every Christmas, Losar, Eid as well.. thank God... we don't have any religious holidays during them monsoon season hagi!

And a 17 year old , son of police ko SP was trying to learn how to drive.. tyo pani high-way ma full speed! Then he crashes into a tree and a police-wallah dies! It's good to be them sons and daughters of government officials kya!

Ani tyo gaadi ma tuh fake license plate, probably a stolen vehicle rey! Hehe.... I think it's about tyam we start calling them 'Chor Police' instead of 'Nepal Police.'.. feel sorry for SP saheb... but next tyam... can you please ask a driving school ko guru-ba or guru-ma to teach your kid how to drive?

And you don't even have to pay ... they will do it for free... after all... everybody needs them police-wallahs ni! Mao-buddies drive around in them stolen vehicles, our chor-police do the same.... and hami janta .. we get stopped at them check-points and treated like we are driving around in them stolen vehicles!

Holy cow... I thought we were a secular nation by now... four blokes were arrested for killing a bull rey! Why? Because they wanted some masoo... is this like once upon a tyam in Singapore where you couldn't find any chewing gum but you could go to Johor Bahru and get a pack or two !

No it's not.. but isn't it tyam we change them penal codes and what not? Abuh Lord Vishnu nai chaina... abuh hami cow sow ma nai jhoondi-rakhya bhanya?

How about arresting them criminals and so-called politicians for slaughtering innocent folks ni baroo?.... Yes, respect to all them hard-core 'Holy Cow' crowd but I guess hamro Naya Nepal ma... it's okay to kill people ... but not okay for them blokes who just wanted some bull balls or something!

Gangs of New York...

Sushil da, them Kangaroos (Congressi) President cried in NYC rey.... kinuh? Well... NY ma NC ko pani 2-3 wata samuha rahecha! And he just couldn't figure out what to do .... go to A's event and ignore B's or just cry like a baby. Maybe he was just happy to try them chillo chicken and roti @ Kabab King in Jackson Heights hola ni!

Or if he won't stop crying then take this old kid to Coney Island and give him some hot dog kya!

Talking about NYC... Manisha Koirala was there way back and my friends were really excited to see the 'hawtie nawtie' rey... but she just sat on them sofa and downed a bottle of whiskey and started blabbering BS rey! Lau.... what's up with them Koiralas... esp Sujata auntie and Manisha naani... must have some Irish blood in them hola ni!

And our hero-ni Karishma naani.... speaks Angrezi only when she is drunk. Maybe she was just happy to be in Amirka then....went to this house party once ... and she was like .. '@#$! that... @#$! you' ... I thought someone had talked shit about her movies ... but then I found out ... she is into method acting and does them Al Pacino ko die-logs whenever she is drunk rey!

One tyam.... Madhav Nepal crashed @ my friend's pad in Queens. Really? Yes... and he snored like an owl rey... haha.. I have no idea how them owls snore but must be scary ... hagi! If we do them math sath.. then most of our communist netas ko chora chori haroo are in Amrika ... I don't know ... they should baroo have sent their kids to North Korea or Cuba ni hoinuh ruh?

But.. I guess our communists are more in love with Amrika hola... Nepal ma po acting sacting with all them 'Sickle & Hammer' t-shirts ni! Anyways... come July 1st.. our Nepricans will be hanging out at DC .. celebrating them ANA convention. Have fun ladies and lads!

I hear it's fun to meet your high school buddies, ex-lovers etiyaadi... but I think our Nepricans should learn how to organize them events efficiently ni... hamro Kathmandu ma jasto problem naw hoo-noo parney.... tyeha tuh batti, paani ruh police ko tension chaina hola ni.... tyo Boston ma bhaako chahi ati nai jpt bhayo rey. I wasn't there ... so I shouldn't complain... muh tuh Complan piu-choo .. ani 2-3 inch ajhai bud-choo ki?

I never went to one... I should have but I guess I didn't miss much hola! And when too much raksi then our Nepzie boys play baksi (boxing).... I think we Nepalis like to beat each other up because we can't really touch anyone else hola!

Let's go back to NYC.. there are like 34 different Nepzie organizations.... even our Sherpas have like 2-3 orgs rey. Kohi Solukhumbu ko ... ani koi Ramechap .... it's the same with Newars and Gurungs and what not... and even them Mustangis get divided over the lower and upper stuff hehe! Hope one day ... there will be just euta samuha kya!

I still remember when Sher B. Deuba was in NYC. A concerned Neprican asked ... 'Sir, you have already been fired twice... do you still expect to lead them country again?' ... And our former prime-monster... jackass nai ho... he replied 'Then why don't you go back and run the freaking country?'

Hamro neta haroo ko taal.... I think Sher-ey lai tyeha nai jootta ko mala lagayera ek dui block ghoom-au-noo parney kya!

I think it's about tyam... our NRNs all around the world stop greeting and meeting these corrupt clowns and please stop kissing these buffoons' arses kya! Because even if you let Makune crash at your pad or buy a bottle of whiskey for Manisha naani... they are not going to invite you for lunch when you visit Nepal kya!

But some folks do like to take them pictures and show it to their relatives back home or I don't know who ni.... 'see I met Prachandoo' ... so what.. who the @#$! cares? Prachandoo will steal your 7 anna ko land and you can't do shit.. hehe! No, he won't thank you for buying him them $4.95 ko Chinese buffet lunch pani!

Makune would be like.... 'Who are you?' and you would reply.,'Sir ... you crashed at my pad!' and he would shout back ... 'I don't use pads!' ... sorry ... bad joke... couldn't think of anything else or maybe let's try again.... he might say, 'No .. I didn't steal your iPad!'

Manisha Naani would be like... 'Who you?' ... and you would give her a bottle of whiskey and she would be like ... 'Thanks... but who are you... did I sleep with you when I was drunk?' .... and your answer would be ... 'No... but I wish you had never puked all over my apartment' hehe!

And Manisha Naani.. I know you went to school in Varanasi and I am not making fun of how you pronounce them words.... I suck at it too... but Van Gogh is not 'Van Gawwwg' kya... if you are a Neprican then say 'Van Go!' .. if you are into English Football then then say 'Van Goff' .. and if you want to smoke a Dutchie then say, 'Vyen Khook' like you are about to khaakaaring hehe!

But I don't know.. I always liked Kajol then Rani Mukherjee... Manisha Koirala was ali jpt .... but she's cool... she must have spanked Nana Patekar then hola .. hehe! But she's now happily married .. yes, I see her husband at them parties alone.... and all this BS is coming from a guy who still can't pronounce 'World' kya!

Nepal ... This Week!

Jhallu Baba now blames our poor chaps in blue... Nepal police for failing to arrest that Don from Biratnagar! KP Oli talks about some big tyam conspiracy ... Prachandoo is so sick of Mohan Baidya that he wants him to be the next prime-monster... yestai ho Nepal ko haal-khabar!

I feel sorry for our police-wallahs... kay garne? If you arrest that Don then you might get left out when them promotion tyam comes knocking... and you will get them death threats and what not. Look at the DSP who was busy kissing arses and helping that guy hide side.... he will probably get promotion next tyam... them UML wallahs head the home ministry!

Either Jhallu is smoking crack or he thinks he can lie through his teeth and get away with it. He wants to jhook-aing us by trying to convince us that neither the government nor them UML dakus are protecting the cabbie-turned-criminal ..and now political cadre of UML! Kaslai guff haney ko ho yee bajiya haroo lay?

Funny thing about them communists... they happen to have more criminals in their youth organizations kya! Well, every political party has their own goons ... so what's new?

And our journalists should continue to boycott all them so-called nautanki programs where our mantris and netas come and cut them ribbons and their dui-sab-daws. Don't write a thing about these clowns.... let their own tabloids cover their circus acts ni!

And Jhallu is supposed to be our prime-monster (still!).... and he was in Kaski because the district is now... 'no-hugging zone' rey... which means.... if you are in Kaski then you can't do your thing out in the open kya!

Our so-called international airport (looks like a local bus stand!) is having problems with them runways..... maybe it's the same contractors who got them tender sender for them local streets in the city. It's not even been a year and it's falling apart... nothing new ni!

All them public works ko halat yestai ho... them bridges fall apart, them government buildings collapse... and them contractors and civil servants and our comrades come together to loot them public funds!

Our 'Tourism' mantri was visiting the airport, doing some inspection rey. And he has also promised to buy two new planes for NAC ..... and boasted about how he managed to convince all them unions, political parties rey. Yaah right... sabai lai commission diney kura chahi convince garyo hola ni!

Them fuel tanker wallahs shut down them fuel supplies because they were not happy with NOC ko new decision to allow 60 new tankers to run them route soute.... then NOC backed down and I guess... them 400,000 motorcycle-wallahs won't have to worry about staying in line for 8 hrs to get few litres of petrol now!

This is the new Nepal kya where them byparais rule... and we, the consumers always suffer. Whatever happened to that guy who was busy tampering them gas cylinders. He is running around, throwing $$$ at them Mao-buddies to save his arse and so far... he can't be found anywhere either!

I guess he is hiding in them jungle sungle hola.... hope he has a box of Wai Wai and them goldstar shoes ni.... just like our Mao-buddies during them 'so-called' People's War kya!

And after 37 years... a principal of some gau ko school has finally passed his SLC exams. Jason Kidd... read this myan.. I thought 17 years was a long tyam to wait for them NBA title sitle.... but 37 years to pass your SLC exam. And the funny thing is ... the guy passed only 8th grade and he was a principal kya! No wonder.... them students fail to pass them SLC exams ni.. when the Princi himself doesn't know what to teach when them pupils get to the 9th grade.... hehe!

And we are now hearing about them students who failed them SLC exams, committing suicide and what not.... myan... SLC is not the end of the world.... wake up and smell them burnt tyres kya! I think they should have read about this 'principal' and his passing SLC at the young age of 61... maybe they would have changed their minds ni!

And so far .... them so-called senior police officers who were involved in them APC scam are still drinking whisky and playing marriage rey! Lau badhai cha..... I guess that's how it is ni... Rubel Chowdhury is now out of the country .... VoIP, APC and many more scams ... Rubel is probably the only tourist who made millions of dollars by visiting Nepal hola! It helps when Sujata auntie is your mother-in-law!

I think it's about tyam... Sujata auntie also faced the music kya. Every other scam ma auntie ko naam aucha.. kay ho .... maybe she should just retire from politics and open a beer garden (she spent all those years in Germany ni) in Naxal or something. Or maybe we should just make her our prime-monster-ni... and she can sell us all them junk while her son-in-law fills them trunk with our Rupees kya!

Mid-Year Resolutions...

I tried with them 'New Year's Resolutions' stuff and it never worked out.. so now let' see if them 'Mid-Year Resolutions' thing works out hai!

1. Drink more water:

I haven't been drinking lately. Yes, I stopped drinking since March 14th, 2011! I am not an alcoholic.. just kahiley kahi .. kay bhancha social drinker! Anyways... then I got all them stomach problems and the next two months, I spent like 6 hrs a day in my meditation room!

I went to the doctor ... and then finally decided to go for them 'wire up my arse' thing.. which hurt like hell but it was nice to hold the pretty nurse's hand while daktaar saheb was wiring my arse and telling his wife to cook 'Aloo Matar' @ the same tyam kya!

So.. now since I ain't drinking beer seer, vodka sodka.. I better drink more water because I want to have a fair and hensum face without them Desi cream sream kya! I heard them 'drinking water like 3 ltrs a day makes your skin glow' rey!)

2. Gain more weight:

Yes... some ladies want to be size zero..... some guys want to be size zero as well. I don't know why but that's how some folks are...ni! Anyways, lost 7 kgs thanks to IBS and what not... and now I look like that guy from 'Into the Wild' just before he ate them berries kya!

Now...everyone tells me ... 'myaan.. what happened.. you look good... but don't get skinnier than this hai' ... So I will now follow Aamir Khan's Ghajini handbook for muscle-banaaa-ing by eating like 43 egg-whites a day and like 4 boiler chicken boiled... hehe!

And since I am starting to forget lot of things... I will probably tattoo my name, my mobile number and your name on my chaati as well!

3. Quit smoking:

Yes.. I have been trying to quit smoking since I was 17.... now I am 24 (hehe!)... I first tried them Marlboro Reds.. then switched to Lights then to Menthol Lights then to Ultra Lights.. then Camel.. then Amrikan Spirit ... then back to Marlboro.. and now Surya 24 Carats Lights.. haha!

But I really want to quit now... like tomorrow because I want to grow old and be with you till I am 84 kya and we can both go bungy wungy @ Last Resort then!

4. Run a Marathon:

Yes.. my sister ran them 'Chicago Marathon' ... my father was a very good long-distance runner when he was my age... and my brother-in-law did them 'Kathmandu Marathon' thing few years ago.. so this September.. I want to run a Marathon.. tyehi Kathmandu wallah... it's so jpt but would be fun to compete with Micro-buses and tyampoos ni!

So I need to start my training soon... because I don't want to make a fool of myself like I did few years ago when I did them 5K race and stopped for a local chiya and churot and got my ass kicked by the wheel-chair participants who had started their race like 10 minutes pachi !

5. Go to bed Early:

I need to start going to bed @ like 11pm and waking up at 5am hola... because nowadays I go to bed at 5am and wake up at 9am .. hehe (sometimes I don't sleep at all...and just go to work and only sleep the next day!) .... So no more Count Dracula ... I want to wake up early , run like 5-6 miles a day... drink lotsa water , eat boiled chicken (4 wata) and 43 egg whites a day... so I can be a lean, mean , running machine hola ni!

Kung Fu Panda 2

Yes, I know I am late with this movie review.. hehe! So what.... today, we talk about them heavy stuff hai! How the hell do we find inner peace seace? I don't know.... but I hear if you eat like 3.7 plates of them vyar-vyar momos then you will achieve Nirvana @ 2 in the afternoon rey!

I seriously think them Hollywood-wallahs are chor-ing (stealing) ideas from the Bollywood 70s flicks kya! You know them story... daku kills them hero ko parents then later.... hero comes back and kills the villain ... etiyaadi! Ani lastuh ma chahi hero ko bau tuh kun chai gau ma po khet khandai kya..... but Bollywood didn't get them ideas for prequels and sequels until now ni....

So expect Kung Fu Panda 3 in 2013 hola ni! And Bollywood baatuh chahi... we can expect them GolMaal series and maybe Ramu dai can do 'Sarkar 3, 4 & 5' ..hehe! Let's get back to today's topic sopic hai.... what is inner peace?

I don't know... but we can get our answers from Kung Fu Panda 2 ni..... that is... just forget all them nataks from the past kya... get over it.... because it just doesn't matter and the only thing that matters is what you choose to be now!

So don't be pissed at them folks who dissed you, who left you stranded somewhere ... who betrayed you and stabbed you in the arse or something.... just get over it.... think of today... think of them new friends you have made ... think of what you want to do now! Ki chahi .. just follow what 'Nike' baba said... 'Just do it' rey!

Our so-called netas should all go to QFX and watch Kung Fu Panda 2 hola! Baroo kehi sik-chan ki yee mora mori haroo lay?

What can we learn from Po? You don't have to be a metro-sexual hunk or a crazy wacko to save Nepal.. err.. China.. err... to fight Prachandoo... err.. Lord Shen.. getting all mixed-up now! All you need is a big appetite and a half-pyaant kya and be like Po... yes, even a slacker dude can make a difference ni!

If you had had a pretty rough childhood... then don't blame your parents! Just because you failed your SLC exams or you didn't get that scholarship or your name wasn't on them MBBS ko list... don't blame yourself kya!

"Your story may not have such a happy beginning, but that doesn’t make you who you are, it is the rest of your story, who you choose to be…"

Just because you won them 100m dash @ school or was a great swimmer in college doesn't mean you can rest on your laurels and still brag about it when you are 42... I have no idea what I am trying to say.. but you get my point .. don't you?

If not then just enjoy them vyar vyar momos and keep on moving ... life is too short to be stuck somewhere and freak out.... get off your silly butt and keep walking! Walking is good for your health kya!

SLC Blues...

The SLC result is out .... what's wrong with them folks @ the Examination Controllers´ Office? ... them result was supposed to be out next week... kay taal ko manchey haroo ho!

I hope our CA clowns will learn a thing or two from them... hope we get the first draft of our constitution .. like a week earlier ki kaso? Not happening.. Sushil da is in New York drinking them Slurpees and getting a brainfreeze hola ni! Prachandoo is still trying to sleep with them RAW agents! Jhallu Baba is busy cutting ribbons here and there!

Abuh ko cha baaki.... our President is ... I have no idea what he's up to? If he's not really busy then he should do some volunteer work kya... like join them free health camps around the country and do your stuff ni... Daktaar ho .. Daktaari nai garoom kya!

Did you know that if you drink like 6 Slurpees in less than an hour... you get a combo of brainfreeze and orgasm? Hehe... I didn't know but hope the President of Nepali Congress (Kangaroos) will return a happy man from New York ..hehe!

I never liked them Slurpees .... used to drink them Monster (energy drink) thing back then.... now I drink only Lemon Soda with Birey Noon... hehe!

Anyways, let's talk about SLC kya! Only 55% passed this year rey. More than 300k students took them exams... so we have like 100k who couldn't make the grades!

Today, let us not talk about those who passed ... but about them young ones (and few old!) who failed to get past the so-called 'Iron Gate'. I still remember my SLC exam ko tyam syam! It was a nerve-wrecking experience... no not them exams but having to sit beside them pretty girls from Dal-Bhat!

Oops.. with due respect to the ladies from Madan Smarak... MS rocks but them dresses didn't kya! I sat next to this beautiful woman who was so focused on writing her answers that if I had dropped dead right next to her... she wouldn't have noticed or wouldn't have offered to perform any CPR stuff hola.. haha!

Tyeti bela kay ko CPR... if people fainted or had seizures.. all you did was watch them and wait for God to do something kya!

Every morning... I gave her a 'Halls' ..... I still use 'Halls' as a form of commodity money kya! If I don't have change or the Khalasi bhai refuses to hand me my change then I give him 'Halls'! I give 'Halls' as birthday gift to my friends, girlfriend and her friends!

I suck at this gift-giving thing hola! So for all them exams ... I gave her 'Halls' and she chaw-paa-ing them very much... thank you... but she never spoke a word! And on the last day... she looked like she was about to cry!

No, she wasn't going to miss a 'sicko' and his 'Halls' .. maybe them answers were not coming in her head hola ni... I wanted to help her but I couldn't kya! I had Optional Maths .. she had 'Home Science' .. abuh parey-naw fasad!

I guess she forgot to write down the right recipe for Momo ko achar or something. Tamatar.. noon and paani .. I don't know! I was busy trying to invent my own answers ... but then she packed her bags and handed her answer sheet.

I looked at her and said to myself... 'Well, there goes Zeenat Aman... and now I will never see her again!' Yes, I am old school hola.. but them 70s ko Bollywood hero-ni had more oomph and aaah kya... and it's like a lethal combo of beauty, brains and sex appeal ki kay bhancha ni! Okay.. I don't know about brains... 2+2 is 5 kya!

I don't want to sound like a jackass (I know I am but....)... I like Sarah Palin very much .... not! Okay, once I had a thing for Michelle Malkin.... well, I didn't really have a shot.. but watching them Republican women on TV is pretty intense.. myan.. hehe! Let's forget Amrika... or else I will have to talk about 'prodigal son' ... hehe!

Okay, let's get back to the story of the day ... them folks who fail the SLC thing.. don't be sad hai! This is not the end of the world. Finding the 'one' and losing her is... hehe!

Mero tole ma there were 3 guys who failed their SLC exams.. and where are they now? No, they are not drinking local twat (Nepali... not British version hai feri!) and going crazy.

Dude #1, one of the cheapest bastards I have ever known, is a successful banker now. Dude #2, the guy who could build radios from a plank of wood, two wires and three nails... is doing his PhD!

And Dude #3, the guy who would make money in them winter holidays, by delivering all them love letters from the tole ko Romeos to them girls ,who never even knew they existed.. tyo pani personal 'in your face' delivery kya; did his MBA from them khatara Indian school... but then he figured out that instead of working for them so-called multi-nationals.. he could make millions if he got into them 'Jagga deals'.. well the Jagga thing has slowed down now... but he did all right... he has made millions .. ani tyo pani not in Rupees kya!

Okay... just because you are a successful professional or a rich bloke or a pukka academics.. doesn't mean you made it (well... they did.. hola..hehe!) but just because you fail in them SLC exams doesn't mean you are a failure!

Class 10 ko exams ho baba.... You are like 15-16... long way to go buddies and buddi-nies! Class 12 baaki nai cha, undergrad baaki nai cha and then probably masters sasters and if you are still single and ready to mingle then PhDs.... hehe!

Sorry.. just kidding... most of my friends do have them PhDs.... and I am like.. why? Why do you guys make it hard for people like us... hehe!

During them 70s.... they had them 'O' levels stuff in Nepal kya.. but then the Pancheys wanted to do it the 'Nepali' way.... and look where we are now!

We may hate them Desis a lot (for what?) but we could have done our students a favor if we had them 10+2 system long tyam back ni!

La... have to go now.. mero kukur bhai (yes he's my brother... even if he's a dog ... talking about a real dog here ni feri !) ekdamai bhook-dai cha.. need to see if my sister has some fried chicken in them freeze sreeze!

So all our lads and ladies.... if you have failed today... don't worry! I know it's hard... but try again and pass that stupid SLC exams and then go and rule the world!

Even Einstein was really bad at them Swiss SLC jastai exams kya! Well, you might not be another Einstein but who cares.... there will be only one Madonna, Maradona and Mithun da... but you can always be Lady Gaga, Messi or Govinda kya or just be yourself... and watch 'Dead Poets Society' at least twice hai!

My late grandmother used to say, 'Your story may not have such a happy beginning but that doesn't make you who you are, it is the rest of your story, who you choose to be...' .. ye.. sorry that was Kung Fu Panda 2... but you know what I mean...right?

New York, New York.....

Sushil Da... the President of Nepal Kangaroos (Congressis) is off to New York... for his check-up seck-up rey! Waaah.. kya mazza hamro neta haroo lai.... while the rest of us get misdiagnosed and die in them hospitals, both public and private; our great netas are always visiting them foreign lands for their prostate exams!

I guess they do need them foreign hands in them places hola ni... hehe! Hope Sushil Da gets to try them hot dogs and pretzels in New York... just don't choke on it hai! And them New York ka NRN congressis will probably do some program @ Jackson Heights and talk about why NC is the one and only party for Nepal!

NC ko tyam syam gayo abuh... see-reef Madeshi ruh Maobaddies ko tyam ho yo.. moaz garnaw... UML might be raking in some moolah with with Youth Force goondas but the Mao-buddies will start their 'killing' spree soon kya!

Well, don't want to be harsh on the old man... he had tongue cancer few years ago rey! Lau.. get well soon and hope Lion Brave (Sher B.) Give Father (Deuba) doesn't make new deals with the Mao-buddies while Sushil buda is gone...hehe!

Deuba lai pani tongue ko problem cha rey.... but it's nothing serious.. when he was them so-called underground neta in the Panchey days... our Nepal police decide to have fun by wiring his tongue to some electrical appliance rey kya! That's why his tongue is slippery but kehi naw bhaye pani ... the Mrs. is all satisfied ni..hehe!

What's up with our comrades? Them students in Gorkha got their arses kicked by our comrades because the students were protesting against them nataks by the Mao Inc.

Yes, we all know how the 'Three Tenors' want to come out with their solo albums real bad but what the @#$! is going on.. you are supposed to grab that mobster from Biratnagar and hand it to your Home Minister ni .. not bash each other and them poor students kya!

Our so-called netas and their chamchas have decided to interfere in nearly everything in this countr, from local school management to drinking water ko project to hydro to every other government contracts and what not!

So.. this is why the Mao-buddies fought for all them years and why we decided to rise up against Gyanu Uncle kya.... so that these clowns will have more fun than the Ranas-Shahs and Pancheys combined ... ki kay ho?

And the funny thing is ... tyo Biratnagar Mobster used to be a cabbie once (few years ago) and now he is worth billions of Rupees rey. And he started of as a timber smuggler and gave them Maoists a cut .... and now he is the Youth Force Daku .. but he knows how to do business (Nepali eestyle) .. he has paid off all them local leaders of them political parties rey!

And they get free vehicles and pocket money... while them big fishes like KP Oli get them cash in boras rey kya! And since he is KP Oli's piranha... no one can touch him.

What is this? The new 'Rana' Saashun... Dhir Shumsher had 17 sons so don't blame them if they enjoyed the loot then (although I feel sorry for the real 'Jungeys' ... but now, we have like thousands of so-called leaders and all sharing the loot... baroo... let's ask all these mundrey goondas and netas to bash each other up and fight for the championship belt ni baroo!

So whoever ends up alive ... then gets to rule that place until some other cabbie shows up and decides to be a gangster ni!

Them mundrey goondas (again from the UML) were burning stuff up in front of Shanker Dev Campus and then our good for nothing chor-police decided to enter them campus and beat up innocent students! And where did them goondas go... they were busy across the street, laughing their arse off ni!

Yestai ho .... I think it's about time, all college students carried a laathi and a helmet whenever they go to school kya! And first, beat the crap out of them so-called student leaders and their mundrey goondas!

And if them cops decided to barge in and beat the students up... then just retaliate and hit back... abuh Nepal ma... we have to defend ourselves not only from them criminals (who pay off them netas ...like the poor hooker or hookah [male gigolo..hehe] pays the pimp!), but also from the cops (bunch of low-lifes) and cabbies (no meters nowadays ...either you pay their price or walk all the way home to eat some rice kya!)

The Return of the King....

Nepal has lot of Babas and Matas! My vow-zoo (Thulo Bau ko Choro ko Shrimati) tells me to take my China (chee-naa kay tyo astrology chart sart hooncha ni!) to this college professor who lives in Kupondole and then there is this pandit in Kalanki .... jaska you have to get a coupon and your paalo comes ... like.. a year later rey!

Nepal ma .... everybody is into this Chee-na shit! Last tyam.. I had them session was when I was 17.... the guy said 'I will go west' ..... but I went East..haha! Pachi tuh West nai pugya ho taruh... pani jpt kya!

He said.. I will get married by 23 ... I am still a grumpy old man! I will marry a Sahuji ko chori rey. The Sahuji ran away to Amrika when his business failed and his daughter ran away with a Chinese guy from Hong Kong!

He asked me to take a lota, and puja ko sha-maan and go to the local temple every morning... @ 5:42 am sharp! I did that for a week but then got hit on by the desperate housewives from the neighborhood... no, I am not kidding!

The only tyam I visit Pashupatinath is when chimekis, relatives and friends pass away! Last time I was in a (Christian) funeral was when my junior school principal ko stopwatch stopped working. Yes, the old man always had them stopwatch around his neck kya! Used to be our English teacher, basketball coach and the old man could remember all them details even after 20-30 years kya!

And I still remember my 5th grade English teacher and his 'Age Quod Agis' very much.... he had to die on my birthday kya! Now... every year when I celebrate my birthday (I actually don't but I reflect deflect kya) ... I say a prayer for him as well! That was the first tyam... I attended a Christian funeral... and I still remember that day vividly!

When I die I want to be buried.... so that my loved ones can visit me once a year and tell me silly jokes (I will be listening kya!) instead of asking some guy to come home and talk gibberish and make some moolah kya!

My Angrezi was really good when I was in the sixth grade... because one had to memorize all them words from the Oxford English Dictionary kya! Then what happened.... then all them heavy metal thing happened ... haha!

Then took up Singlish 101 and now I speak with a 'Govinda' accent .... and I have met 129 folks in Kathmandu (Yes, I know how to count!) who are surprised that I spent so many years eating frozen burritos (microwave garney ni pachi!) and cheap Chinese take-out and I still don't speak Mandarin or Spanish... hehe!

Okay, let's get back to the story of the day kya! There is a Mata somewhere near Balkumari, which is near Gwarko and last week.. she said to her followers ... 'In the next 6-7 months... Gyanu uncle will come back and be the King again' rey!

And she didn't stop there... she followed it up with this 'If that doesn't happen then you guys can cut me into pieces' rey! Lau jaa.. while Gyanu Uncle will be cutting ribbons here and there, come this Mangsihr-Poush... Mataji will be cut into pieces... kay ho... is she a Zoroastrian now? Abuh where do we get them vultures kya?

Anyways... don't think the King will make a comeback abuh tuh... the best thing to do for him is follow the Indian Maharajas ko formula... join politics .... win that seat from Kathmandu and be a MP! Jasto jay bhaye pani.... Kathmandu Valley ko religious functions suctions haroo ma tuh nuh Yadav nuh Jhallu thik cha... baroo euta special post nai create garoom nuh... 'Chief Guest of Kathmandu Valley' CGKV .... sounds more like them Queen Elizabeth lay diney title shy-tall hagi?

And who knows ... maybe someday he can be the President or PM if our so-called leaders can't decide who gets to sleep @ Baluwatar? The biggest mistake Gyanu uncle made during his tyam as Lord Vishnu was... not jailing them sons of snitches (netas!) or sending them army folks to hang out at the local newspaper or FM , TV stations kya but trying to get some more bhatta as if he was a broke-ass hobo!

He should not have raised his bhatta from 10 crores a year to 60 ... I am not saying that... mero tole ko local chiya pasal ko President, former smackist (one who took smack!) and neighborhood poet laureate, Ram dai lay bhannoo bhaako!

What if .. Gyanu Uncle said.... don't worry jantas... I won't take a dime.. broo harek Dashain ma sabai lai mero khalti batuh 1 Rupaiya! It isn't much... you can either get one Halls or Hajmola with that but it would mean a lot .... ni!

Taruh... uha ko pani taal tyestai nai .. ani Desi bhai ko Biryani kha-dai neta haroo lay hami lai feri joker banai halyo hagi! If our politicians go their act together and really did something for the people then we would have forgotten the King Singh a long tyam ago kya!

But if this Mata is right then.. I guess Kamal Thapa and his multi-colored jhandeys should just relax and wait for another 6-7 months kya! Jo aye pani.. hami lai kay? Life goes on.... it doesn't make any difference.... well, our so-called parties won't be able to share the loot and have fun ni but Ram dai tells me 'It's better to feed a shark then feed hundreds of piranhas!'

Hangover 3

Well... Hangover 2 was good (I thought it was jpt but I am tired of being a non-conformist kya!) but not as good as the first one.. hoinuh ruh? And thank God they didn't show Alan crashing the Thai Crown Prince ko party.. haha! The next King of Thailand is a jackass ... and now will this blog post be banned in Thailand because I said the Crown Prince is a jackass?

Yes, them Thais have very strict laws saws.... you can party all night, plan them coup soup but don't mention the 'B' word kya.... no it's nothing to do with itching sitching ni feri... just don't mention the King's name in vain rey! Or else you will end up in them Thai jails.. and it's not like our prisons here where you can bribe them jailers and hang around Sherpa Mall all day or get shot at by some Indian hit-man .. hehe!

Anyways, let us forget Vegas, Bangkok ... the third part chahi Nepal ma nai shooting garnoo parcha because they can't go to Afghanistan .. Bin Laden is dead and he wasn't even there kya!

They can't go to Iraq (unless they want to find them missing WMDs), Cuba (unless they want to smoke a Cuban with Castro), Iran (unless Alan wants to get stoned to death!) or North Korea (and be a personal ESL teacher for Kimmy Dai's Chinese mistresses!) but Venezuela is okay..... maybe they can party with Chavez and Alan accidentally becomes the Emperor of Venezuela or something!

I hear they are headed to Amsterdam rey.. but even the flying Dutchmen are getting strict with them 'smoke all you want' buffet platter kya! So not many scences you can come up with when you are stoned out of your mind hola... baroo Mexico kaso hola.... they end up in a middle of a big drug war and Alan ends up as the most feared assassin in Mexican history or something!

Anyways... if Hangover 3 is set in Nepal then what would be the story kya? Here is my own Guffadi version if that happened.. hehe!

They show up in Kathmandu looking for Alan... who is now living in Pashupati as them 'Kuirey' Sadhu and he's been trying to get inside Pashupatinath Temple but every tyam he wants to crash in.. he gets beaten by them Desi Jogis cum arms dealers kya! Why? Because he's a foreigner.... a Mexican Catholic (talking about brownies not the 'gringo' types ni feri) will probably get an entry to our Holy Hindu temple but a white 'Hare Ram Hare Krishna' can't... kay taal ko natak ho yo?

And Alan is pissed... he smokes some and flashes his 'fake Nepali Citizenship Card' and runs around naked.... tyo cremation bhayee-raako thau ma and grabs a skull and hurls it towards the temple and you know who gets hit? Ramdev Baba.... haha!

Why are they in Kathmandu? Well, all them guys want to climb Everest..... yes, Kuirey haroo ko mid-life crisis ma yestai naya natak hooncha ... hehe! When, we Nepali men, have them mid-life crisis... we either drink to death or go crazy and join politics and try to do some bandh here and there kya!

Alan also decides to join the expedition... since he is a Nepali , he joins the expedition as a guide.... spiritual guide...hehe (hey, if a million Indians can get them Nepali Nagarikta then why can't a Kuirey have one ... kya! we have crazy laws don't we?) ... but there he is @ Everest Base Camp... just wearing a thong ... smoking some Shivaji's booti (meant prasad aka grass, weed ... all them veggie stuff kya .. not them hip-hop lingo ni feri....haha!)

Well.. everyone can climb Everest these days... not because they have the skills but because our Sherpa brothers do it all .... Apa Sherpa should be our Tourism Minister baroo! Anyways, all them Hangover guys climb Everest... so does Alan ... but who do they meet on top of the world?

Yes, you are right. Mike Tyson.. wearing only them boxer soxer and drinking some Cristal with Sarah Palin (she is dressed as Xena) .. lau jaa! It is exactly 11:55 pm, Saturday evening..... I still have to finish this Hakucha Mukarni... sorry... Haruki Murakami book .... need to make a jerkin of 'coffee' ... got my shortbread stuff ready... maybe I will boil two eggs (only egg whites, no yolks solks ... says the dakatar-ni!)

While the rest of the world is trying to figure out why they are here.. I am still confused with 'To Yolk or Not To Yolk?'... now that is the question... my friend!

Rule of Low-Lifes....

Deepak dai says, ‘Our netas are the Dons of all Dons’ …. What’s wrong with him? This is a serious case of defamation ki kay bhancha ni… let’s leave our corrupt clowns alone! Our CA members get a bad rap…. It is not easy to do nothing and still get paid 50K a month unless you are them trade union wallahs who demand to get paid even for the days you closed down shop!

Hope someday we will see Deepak dai as our Home Minister. I think the first thing he would do is scrap that so-called ‘close down at midnight’ informal rule slapped against all them restaurant and bars all over Kathmandu valley. Hope our election campaign promises will be more pragmatic in the future… like ‘Vote for me and you can party all night’ or ‘If I win then I will buy you a generator or a send you a water tanker every week or get you 30 litres of Petrol for free every month’ … etiyaadi!

Khagendra Thapa Magar has lost his crown. He got beat by a Filipino who happened to be a little more than 2 inches shorter than him. When it comes to certain things in life, size does matter kyaaruh! Junrey Balawing celebrated his accomplishment by partying it up with cakes and balloons. I hope Khaggu bhai enjoyed being the world’s shortest man but in our hearts, he will always be our ‘little man’ !

Talking about sizes, I hope our first draft of the constitution will be a little more than a pamphlet. We now have like 70 days and it looks our netas will probably need some jolt to get things moving. So from now on, let’s only provide either ‘Red Bull’ or some strong espresso shots for our great CA members or else they might slack off ni!

Or we can have some kind of a regulatory body like the Nepal Telecommunication Authority (NTA)! Why? Because in the next 90 days, our cybercafé wallahs will have to follow them new regulations rey! So can we have something like the ‘People Power Authority’ (PPA) and set some kind of guidelines for our netas which somehow should be enforced mandatorily?

All them folks who visit them cyber cafes will now have to present their ID cards before they update their fb status rey! I think all them netas should present a colonoscopy report before they start speaking from their arse kya.

And them cyber-wallahs will have to maintain a confidential log book and present it to our security personnel when asked for it rey… lau jaa .. baroo why not get all them PAs of our great netas and ask them to maintain a visitor’s log book and submit it to PPA when required kya! At least then we will know if Prachandoo is really sleeping with them RAW agents or if KP Oli is a saint and if our Home ministers were so busy renovating their own homes that they forgot everything about them faulty APCs!

NTA has kindly instructed ISPs to provide 24 hours service and if the network is down due to maintenance and stuff then we should be informed at least three days in advance rey. If we do have the PPA then it should come out with similar policies.

Our netas should be instructed to provide us with 24 hours of batti and paani. It’s not going to happen soon but they should have a plan ni hoinuh ruh? The only plan these buffoons can come up with is … how to loot, shoot and boot the people and use them state funds and resources to maximize their wealth while the country slips into a coma!

It’s like our three big idiots are playing a game of ping pong with their foreheads or something. I have no idea what that meant but it would be fun to watch such antics! And if they plan to shut down the country then please give us three days notice too instead of scheduling a bandh depending on the them crazy mood swings of our netas and their mundrey goondas!

I think this PPA thing could really work … maybe wishful thinking! NTA wants them ISPs to pay back or waive them fee see if the network is down! Yes…. If only we could have such regulations for our great PEs like No Electricty Authority (NEA), No Oil Corporation (NOC) and NTC (No Telephone Conversation) ! Ye.. I forgot NAC pani cha ni.. NAC will likely be ‘No Airlines Corporation’ in a year or two!

Laws in Nepal are meant to be broken , them criminals and our corrupt clowns have made a mockery of the laws of the land. 'Rule of Law' goli maaro, 'Rule of Low-Lifes' zindaabaad! Jai Hos!

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I want to thank 'The Week' Crew for publishing my jpt guff-suff every Friday since May 6th, 2011. Yo Friday chahi publish bhaye-nuh due to the editor's irritable bowel habits rey (he forgot to check his email semail rey).. haha! Tyesai lay afnai blog ma rakhey-ko! Anyways.... I like Republica, esp. 'The Week' because they have cool, young folks working as a team kya! I love you all!

Ani mathi ko cartoon sartoon chahi.. mero anoohar batuh banaa-ko ho.... drawn by my good old friend, Nepalien back then... 2000 ma hola ... thanks for all them images you created for our old website ... we had a blast then hagi!

I wish... I was little bit taller!

I wish I was a little bit taller.... when I was 14, I thought I would be like 6'2 when I turned 18 ...but now, many years later... I am still stuck at 5'7 and I blame it on them chicken fly lice, Tiger beer and late-night 7-Eleven ko ... microwaveable chicken fly lice again!

When I should have been drinking milk, pumping iron and eating balanced-diet ... I only ate CFL (not the bulb kya .. feri chicken fly lice nai ho!) every morning at them food court below my so-called school!

The so-called Lion City was fun... never saw any lions there but picked up them accent (ok lah! no problem lah...can can!).... and few years ago I went back to visit my school but now they have this mega complex but I still remember them principal .... he looked like one of them Jackie Chan ko motey dai (euta cha ni tyo Hongkie film ma khel-nay!) and he drove around in a 'Pink' Mercedes... hehe!

Nothing wrong with that... Pink is the color of passion rey ... according to Dr. Steven Victor Tallarico from the Aerosmith School of Science! Anyways... I still remember the school ko receptionist lady jasko finger I nearly cut with them scissor! It was not intentional .... reception ma euta pacakage kaat-nuh laako ... kasri usko haat tira pugay cha! Ram is a bad boy..hehe!

She once invited me to her house for dinner but I backed out when I found out that her father works in them credit department for some Triad! Nothing wrong with what your Pops does for a living but I don't want to eat shark-fin soup with the loan shark kya ....haha! I come from a Shark (SAARC) country ni!

If only them facebook and twitter or them blogging stuff were available then... I would have spent all day updating my status, blogging-slogging, tweeting from Orchard Road! Skee-Lo's 'I wish' single was #1 in them local FMs kyaaruh!

The only reason I hung around Orchard Road was to see if them jaywalkers would get run over by them speeding taxis kya! Abuh tyeti bela teenager haroo ko buddhi tyestai ho kya.. ahiley ko have more skills...hehe! And boy... they did.. like 9 in less than six weeks. Tyeti bela mobile tuh tyeti thiye-naw.. ahiley jasto kaha ho ruh.. now everyone has them SLRs (no I am not talking about self-loading rifles ni feri!)...

And every tyam... there was an accident all them people on the street would disappear... because nobody wanted to talk to the cops... whereas here in Nepal, if there is an accident , hundreds of clowns appear and instead of helping the injured, you will find a jerkin of petrol, lighter and some burning going on!

Once I was drinking beer at 2 in the afternoon (I heard them Germans were taller because they drink beer all the tyam!) and I saw Shakti Kapoor walking around. I used to be a big fan of Shakti dai then.... (not anymore.. ever since them casting couch kaan-daw!)... all my heroes have disappointed me so far!

I yelled 'Ye Shakti.. Kya Haal hay?' ... He looked at me and was like... ye Malay vi Hindi bolta hai! He was like 'Sab Thik Hai' and started to speed-walk hehe!

Talking about them heroes, I used to be a big fan of Ben Johnson and even won a packet of Wai Wai (used as a form of commodity money in boarding schools hehe!) when I bet that Benny would kick Carl Lewis's arse @ them Seoul Olympics! He did ... but then a day later they found he had used them steroid stuff rey! And I had to return the packet of Wai Wai back!

Used to be a big fan of Iron Mike.... when he was knocking everyone out .... then he went on to do that bad thing to some girl and now he is a clown!.. just because you do them cameos in them 'Hangover' series doesn't make you a cuddly teddy bear kya!

Abuh 'Hangover 3' chahi Nepal ma set garoom nuh hai.. ye naya blog post lekh-noo parcha hola yesko laagi tuh..hehe!

Yestai ho... either I happened to choose only jackasses as my heroes then or I have the knack for predicting which celebrities will end up as clowns kya!

I think I might end up as a clown someday hola... that's kinda scary! But I have been good at predicting them sports results nowadays! Paul the Octopus was good @ predicting who would win... I go a step further.. I give out the scores kya! Sometimes off by a goal hola but it really helps my friend who wager them bets with local country representative of the Mumbai dons here in Kathmandu!

Yes, you can wager them bets for them IPL games and all them major sporting events right here in the 'Sick City' kya! A friend of mine used to call me during them IPL nataks... and I never watch cricket sricket. I blame the gringos, the imperialist infidels ... Go Mets! Go Jets! Go Mavericks!

But I would just choose between them cities .... and say some stupid crap like 'Yes ... pick Chennai or Rajasthan' depending on what I was eating or ate that afternoon! So if I had Roti then tyo, or chicken momo then arko kya!

I would just BS him and he happened to win 6 times in a row! Then I went MIA (missing in action not that Tamil Hawttie ni feri!) because I don't want him to lose his house kya!

But I told him Dallas would win because I like Dirky (13 years of slogging) Jason Kidd (waited more... 17 years!) and Mark Cuban (the best owner in NBA ..hehe!) and Lebron James can go to hell!

Yes, Miami is a fun place to be .... but Dallas is where they shot Kennedy! What? Dallas has changed now... no more a pukka red-neck place ni... I liked Dallas more than Miami!

The only thing you do in Miami is take them boat soat and the tour guide will show you them celebrities haroo ko ghar shar ... what the @$!#? I didn't fly all the way to Miami to see where Ricky Martin, Gloria Estefan and some Colombian mobster lives kya!

So if you visit Amrika then don't forget to visit Springfield (not Homer's place ni feri), Illinois and Hyde Park, New York... yes, where Lincoln and FDR had them ghar shar kya! I would rather visit Gorkha Durbar and see the ghar of Nepal's first Maobadi then visit the 'Hiti' @ Durbarmarg...hehe!

I used to watch them 'The Fresh Prince of Bel Air' when I was 17 and I used to think Willie would make a great Amriki President someday but myan.... Willie brother, you owe me 200 bucks.. you only sang about Miami and we followed your advice.. you didn't warn us that they charge by them bottles kya! And you can't impress ladies if you dress up like some Mexican gangsta ... tyeti bela ko mero get up .. haha! Would have worked in LA but not in Miami ni!

I once nearly joined them Latin Kings but will guffing about them next tyam.... my sister tells me I should write a book on what not to do in life .. by going back to them days when I was young, bold and oh.. how I wish they had fair n hensum back then..hehe!

Aroo haroo lay motivational kitab lekhchan.. muh chahi 'Demotivational Guide by Guffadi' tiruh laagno parla! I know with my angrezi and eestyle I won't be getting offers from Penguin India (hehe!) but if my sisters want to self-publish it then why worry about them book tours hagi!

I have no idea what I am writing citing .. (actually, I do... tyehi blast from the past tuh ho ni!) but it's 4:16am in the morning and I can't sleep...hehe! I wanted to write about how I wish... if I could turn .. turn back the hands of time then my darlin' ... you'd still be mine! Ye... maaf garnoos yo tuh R. Kelly ko geet po parecha... another jackass kyaaruh!

If you ever date a black woman (as in African-Amrikan kya) then always remember them R. Kelly's geet seet ... hai! But I always thought he would be someone's beeyaatch in them Amriki prison for what he did kya! But khoi kay bhanney.... black women still love R. Kelly!

I have already had 3 cups of coffee toffee (yes, coffee makes me sleepy kya!) .... it's time to order some Prozac and Ambien from my friends in Amrika hola ni!