Sunday, May 8, 2011

Travel Warning ....

Bin Laden was shot dead while he was drinking lemon tea and watching some comedy show on TV rey .. and the Amrikis living in Pakistan and other 'Hookah' countries were advised not to venture out or do the macarena or ride a cycle and go shopping for cheap drugs and cheap clothes rey!

And here is my travel warning for our Kathmanduites ... who like to go out at night and have some fun sun kyaaruh! Hehe.. not really a travel warning but how to be safe in Kathmandu for Nepalis .. after 10 pm kyaaruh!

Our police-wallahs on duty at night tyam have only passed 7th grade.. so please remember that they are not out on the street to talk about 'The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari' or some feel-o-sophy BS!

Their job is to swear at you, hit you with a bamboo stick and drag you inside them van and give you a tour of Bir Hospital (medical test rey!) and then let you experience a night out in a police station kya!

So, for heaven's sake .. never argue with a (Chor) Police after dark (Nepal ko tyam anoosar chahi 10pm) and even if your Uncle is a SSP or sarkaari hakim ... nobody will pick up their phone at 2am in the morning... so if you win the 'free night' stay at the local police station then just spend the night with the pick-pockets, fellow drunks and maybe tomorrow, you can start a NGO after staying overnight in a filthy jail cell in Kathmandu!

NGO ko kaam chahi, Kathmandu ko police station ko sar-safai , maybe have like 2-3 couches inside the cell, euta flat-screen TV, clean bathroom and euta Espresso machine or something.. hehe!

If you are in a bar and it's 12:01am and the cops come barging in, the best option would be to just start walking and walking till you are 100 meters away , get a cab or your bike or gaadi ... and go home!

Don't stand there and argue for your right to party. Yes, we all know that you gotta fight for your right to party but our police-wallahs have never heard of them 'Beastie Boys' ... so shut up and run!

Baroo 'Na Birsye Timi Lai Na Paya Timi Lai' chahi afno cell phone ma tyo geet bhar-noo ani then start singing hola ... maybe they will join you for a sing-along and let you go home without getting a bamboo-stick ko chaap on your dhaad!

If traveling with a female companion and you get stopped for them police-checking, make sure that you always tell them you name, where you live and where she lives and you are dropping her home. Our stupid cops always ask 'Where are you going?' so baroo speak first and they will be kinda confused .. hehe!

Well, you are not going to work at 3 am in the morning, are you? It's all psychology warfare. If you act scared then they will eat you alive. Chaati Fulau-noos and say 'My Name is Jai Kishan and I am going home, and she is my friend and I am dropping her off and we came back from our office party' and don't forget to add that you are a chairperson of the local samaj sudhar committee .. haha!

Hey, you can't say you are a CA member (and you lost your ID or them Red Passport!) or a journalist unless you have your ID ni.. baroo just say 'I am YCL incharge of Ward No. 10' ... them cops will wave you goodbye even before they utter a word! And now since the Mao-buddies have the home ministry... always wear a red bandana and a 'Communist' t-shirt if you want to party late at night kya!

Sometimes, the cops might want to play a few rounds of 'Q&A' ... don't get pissed at their funny questions. Just nod your head, don't laugh (never!) but always look them in the eye. If they want to search your bag , let them do so .. don't talk about human rights or civility or even 'peacebuilding' or constitution .. leave that to them EU wallahs and other INGOs..hehe!

Make sure you female companion gets home safe... don't pick a fight with the police-wallahs unless you have a Taser or a pepper spray and you have mastered the art of 'beating 3 skinny cops' (watch Jackie Chan or Rajnikanth movies for them tips and tricks!) but if you know the local YCL head very well then you can pick a fight but don't start unless you call them 'buddies' from the local YCL barrack!

And if you are on them bike sike and discussing 'Climate Change' with your buddies in the middle of the road and the police van stops in front of you. then just go... go home , don't stop and wait for the police-wallahs to come out of the van!

If they do come out, they will come out swinging their sticks... and cursing you because the Hawaldar's wife eloped with the local butcher and the constable hates his in-laws! Yes, it's not your fault but not a good tyam to chit-chat...hai!

Remember to only say 'Huncha Sir' and nothing more and just get the hell out of there. Don't stand there and try to explain to them that you will go home and they don't have to worry or something.. if you do that then you are making sure that you will get your arse kicked and you get a free one night stay @ Mamaghar!

The most important thing is to keep your nerve. Let them ask funny questions and act like Bozos ... your priority is to get home safely not with a broken arm or a fractured leg kya!

This is our country but we are not safe , this is our city and if you are partying late then you better be scared of the cops than all them muggers and taxi drivers!

Well, you are safe if you are an Albino (with due respect to all Albinos!) and you can come up with a French accent.. then you are safe here in Kathmandu but never ever go to Tanzania or else them witchdoctors there will cut you alive and make a potion out of you for them cure sure for AIDS rey!

It's good to be a kuirey (meant that with love kya!) in Nepal... the police won't want to deal with you because the only Angrezi they know is 'Yes' and 'No' kyaaruh .. and even if you are a serial killer ... you can walk around Kathmandu and the cops will be like 'Ye, Kuirey .. jaa-naw dey...'

So if you want to party in Kathmandu.. then don't go to them places in Thamel or wherever... ask your parents to go trekking (ABC is good!) and have a house party at home... everybody can pitch in.. Carlsberg cost less than Rs 200 and you can make Chicken Chilly for 5 people for less than Rs 200 (200 is like a magic number hola!)

So save some money, save fuel and save yourself from all them harrasment .. baroo add a service charge (house party ma pani!) and then tyo paisa lay baroo .. build a toilet in Rolpa kya! And if you really can't party at home then go to them Last Resort or them aroo valley bahira ko thau sau... but don't forget to wear them 'Hammer & Sickle' t-shirt hai!

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