Saturday, May 7, 2011

Dum Maaro Dum...

Dum Maaro Dum.... looks like them Bollywood folks are running out of them feelimy titles! Now they are busy doing the cut & paste from them old gaanas kyaaruh! Well, that's better than them Govinda-David Dhawan days when everything had to do with Numero Uno .. haha!

Govinda was really rocking during them days .... his feelims ko naam would end with No.1 ... Hero No.1, Aunty No.1, Jodi No.1, Beti No.1, Coolie No.1, Anari No.1 and let's not forget Akshay Kumar and his 'Khiladi' series...hehe!

Yes, let's begin... first came, Khiladi (The Player) then Main Khiladi Tu Anari (I am a player and you are a fool) , Khiladiyon Ka Khiladi (the player's player) and then it went on and on like... Mr. and Mrs. Khiladi (the player and player-ni), International Khiladi (NRN Player) and Khiladi 420 (the real player)!

Now, Akshay Kumar has moved from his action-pack sack days and used to be great acting liuke a fool but he ain't funny no more.... his recent flick 'Thank You' is another crappy Desi shit and it's not even worth reviewing ... hehe!

Okay, let's get back to the story of the day! Dum Maaro Dum is all about Goa... I always wanted to go there so that I could learn Portuguese, do some swimming dwimming samundra maa, eat them fresh fish sish and coconut milk (or anything that makes you see a dragon or a girl with a dragon tattoo. that works as well hola!).. hehe... just kidding! I want to go to Goa because they have them 'Poker Tournaments' ...kya!

Anyways, the movie is about the dark side of Goa ... rey! I didn't know all them bideshis were doing their 'business' selling drugs and had their own areas kya! The Russians, Nigerians to British and khoi sabai sano tino Don haroo busy selling their stuff and Chotta Bachchan is a corrupt police-wallah until the day his loved ones die in a car crash but he survives with a bottle of dettol and them bandage on his head!

Yes... dettol really helps... a dog bite you, no problem, a coconut hit you on head, no problem, get run over by train, no probelm sir... here is dettol and some bandage... why am I writing like that Chinese guy selling $5 pashmina shawls on 33rd street?

Bipasha Basu (Zoey) wants to be them air-hostess and her boyfriend does some source-force (bhawn-soon) to his Boss who also happens to own a club but is actually a big-tyam Desi 'Pablo Escobar' known as Lorsa Biscuita aka Biskoot! How the @#$! do you come up with such names?

Why can't Aditya Pancholi just be some other bhai... like 'Akram Bhai' or 'Chotta Machali' (little fish) or something! Who is going to be scared when your mob boss ko name is 'Biskoot' .... yes, don't you dare @#$! with me or else I will tell my boss, (Dunkin') Donuts and his big brother, Burger (King) or something!

Anyways, Bipasha Basu really wants to serve tea, cotton balls and newspapers and them plastic food to them folks who just want to down a bottle of whisky because they don't like to be up there @ 30,000+ feet seet.. hehe! But then... she has to be a drug mule if she wants the job rey and she is like... Okay! No Problemo.... wit due respect to all them hawt air-hostesses around the world but Zoey needs to dream bigger hola!

She has this 'future rockstar' boyfriend and she wants to be up in the air while her boyfriend rocks the house every night (music ko koora garya ni feri!).. kay taal ko? If she had joined some spy agency then it would be fun ni....

Then... She gets caught and instead of spending 14 years in Jail (like Bhagwan Ram) , she only spends 14 days and then she becomes Biskoot's Sita.. well, he sleeps with her and now , she is Biskoot ko right-hand woman or something!

Sorry.. got confused ... Rawan didn't sleep with Sita kyaaruh... but this is not Ramayana ... this is India kya.. where you get caught with them drugs and you only have to spend two weeks in jail but then spend the rest of your life with Biskoot!

So, Chotta Bachchan assembles his own team of police-wallah and goes after the drug mafias ... but they have to find Michael Barbosa who happens to operate a 'storage' company for them mafia-wallah.. another funny name.. Barbosa... baroo ... Murthy Khar-booza rakhya bhaye pani hoonthy ni!

So either Barbosa is crazy or them international drug mafias have lower IQ than Mike Tyson! And from where does Bollywood come up with them figures... 900 something crores worth of drugs rey... so now, Chotta Baa-Chan has to get Barbosa!

Oye.. I forgot the beginning of the story. A young guy applies to some school in Amrika... his girlfriend gets in , full scholarship but our hero, Lorry (yes.. another funny name.. again!) doesn't get a dime even though he plays football like Messi!

So.. Lorry (baroo Anthony Gonsalves rakhya hoon-thyo ki?) is so desperate to go to Amrika that he takes on the offer of a local drug scout (like in football scout) to carry some cocaine with him to Amrika!

So does that mean our Colombian friends are no longer flying their stuff to Miami.. or digging tunnels and sending the Mexicans to eat some Burritos in Texas.. khoi.. kaha batuh Goa Soa ma supply gari rakheko bhanya?

This movie is all about desperate people jasto cha hai.... Bipasha (Zoey) wants to serve them hand wipes for them airlines but then joins the 'coke' distribution business... (not that soda thing ni feri!) while Lorry wants to serve 30 years in some Amriki prison and be someone's beeyatch hola ni!

BTW, Lorry (Raj Babbar ko chora!) must be a method actor or something or he is taking too much meth hola .. hehe! Hello, brother.. this ain't Dhobi Ghat ko sequel kya.... same Acting, same Clothes, same Expression, .. (same ACE!) haha!

I expected a more masala-daar movie but I guess.. Bollywood has now run out of ideas hola! I really don't want to tell you the whole story... but them Desis really need an item number kyaaruh!

No Bollywood movie is complete without that special achaar (pickle) or something like that... and badminton player, Ms. Deepika does her special 'item' .. somebody needs to tell that girl that she needs to eat more and no .. 1 cashew, 2 almonds, 3 peanuts is not a balanced diet kya!.

So folks.. go watch Dum Maaro Dum and finish the movie .. then make some Aloo Dum and ask yourself ... How come Bollywood movies don't have any 'Dum' these days?

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