News from Nepal... II

His Excellency, Rakesh Sood is going back to Delhi and we will have another Prasad as our Desi Ambassador! Hope our Mao-buddies won't be showing them black flags at our new 'Mr. India' .. hehe!

Jayant Prasad ko bau was them Desi ambassador during our 'democracy' days kyaaruh! Daddy Bimal Prasad was here during our so-called 'democracy' days and Prasad Jr. will be here to witness our 'disintegration' days hola ni!

Our netas didn't like Sood because he would just show up early in the morning when our so-called leaders would be groggy with hangover sangover ..hehe and he would be like .. 'Arrey yaar.. hamara paisa sab gaye vaad meh lekin hum tumara jeena haram karega' .. or something like that!

Sood was the new 'King' of Nepal kyaaruh .. hope Prasad will stop inviting them Madeshi leaders inside them Indian Embassy and sing them 'Bollywood' karaoke or play kabbadi or some BS like that!

Both Sood and Prasad are from the same batch (IFS 1976) rey.. and both know their way around Kabul and both are disarmament experts rey! Indian Embassy vitra nuclear reactor nai cha ki kya ho... haha!

I have no idea why them Desis keep on sending us them so-called nuclear experts haroo.. baroo send us Arundhati Roy..hehe! And even Prachandoo will be hiding under his bed because even Arundhati knows that he is not them 'revolutionary' hero but just one of the many opportunist, fake communist kya!

And Kamal Thapa may be another opportunist mandaley but he doesn't change his undies like Prachandoo dada! Kamal Dai is having fun ... going around Kathmandu, motorcycle rally ma hero bandai .. without helmet selmet! I guess our traffic police were just too busy chasing them 'digital plates' wallah! And I guess he got them petrol setrol from Hetuada hola ni... for all them panchey haroo ko bikes!

And Jhallu Baba is still going around town, trying to form his cabinet sabinet... and yes, our great CA members will get their bhatta satta for six more months rey! All them good for nothing CA jackasses are getting ready for them six months extension... so I guess we just have to shut up and put up with these fools until November end hola ni!

Ani tyes pachi pani yestai taal ho bhaney chai... sabai lai pit-paat garey hooncha hola! And maybe we should also kick them sarkaari karmachaari ko arses as well! Them civil servants also want to do them bandh sandh rey because they are not happy with their salaries and bhatta satta!

And we are also not happy with our civil servants... so instead of asking for pay hike and allowances for transportation, baccha haroo ko education and uniforms and what not.. why don't these buffoons do their job well and stop bitching and whining?

Them government employees get paid more than them private-wallahs and still they complain... 'our salaries are lowest in the world' rey... arey bhatey haroo ho... we are one of the poorest country in the world kya... so if you want to get paid more then go to Singapore and apply for them sarkaari jobs there ni and then try to your tricks there .. all them ghoos-khori nataks and get caned as well ... hehe!

The Royal Wedding..

30 years ago, Prince Charlie 'Long Ears' married Diana Spencer. He was 31 and she was 19 kyaaruh! And the marriage didn't last long ... around 15 years! Charlie liked to talk to plants and eat chawan-paras every night! He now has the 'Camel' with him! Oops.. sorry .. didn't mean to be so harsh... but Charlie and Camel-a seem to be very happy sappy...hagi!

Today, Prince William will finally marry Kate (for ordinary citizens!) or Catherine (for the so-called blue-bloods!) ... and the wedding ko bill is around 80 million pounds rey! The British government will be providing security (20-25 million pounds kharcha) ... aroo chahi .. will be paid for by them Royals and Katie's parents (well 99% tuh Hajur-ma Elizabeth lay nai bay-hoar-ney rey!)

Anyways, Gyanu Uncle should learn a thing or two from this! When he became King G.. he raised his bhatta from 10 crores to 60 crores a year! What if .. he had said '@#$! it.. I ain't taking a dime from the government .. I can pay my own bills!' .. maybe things would not have turned out the way it did!

Our Royals never understood how to play the game even though they sent their kids to Eton or some school in Amrika or UK .. should have learned a thing or two from the British monarchy ni!

If you are a King Singh then act like a King kya.. don't act like politicians... the British monarchy has survived because they talk to plants, wave here and there and ride horses now and then!

Prince William is marrying a commoner .. okay her parents own their 'party-planning' business ani million sillion bank sank ma cha rey and isn't it great that Willie can marry Katie and Queenie granny don't have a problem with it ... and no astrologers and Royal priests to see them stars and moons and all them crazy jpt BS!

If only our late Queenie didn't have a problem with late Dippy Dai marrying his girlfriend.. then we wouldn't have had to listen to Gyanu Uncle's boring speeches and he would have been better off as a byapari but Paras Dai would still be doing his hawai-fire hola...hehe!

I think Prince Harry will be like our Paras Dai minus the 'hawai-fire' natak.. he will probably be running naked around Buckingham Palace, wearing a sock or something .. haha! And he might just go bungee jumping Thames ma!

Well, I am not saying Paras Dai did them stuff but British are eccentric ni.. we , Nepalis are ...well, we like to get rowdy when we are drunk and that's about it!

We are one of the poorest country in the world kyaaruh ... but our so-called thulo-mancheys all act like they descended from the House of Windsor or something... thanks to them caste system, we are still stuck in them 17th century and this 'jaat' thing won't go away soon ... unless we all get numbers instead of them jaat saat.. like .. 'Hello, I am Guffadi 144' and would like to marry your daughter 'Saani 187' or something like that .. kya!

And it's okay for them khandaani folks to marry kuire-nis or kuireys but all hell will break loose if your daughter or son plans to marry someone who happens to be a different jaat.... nice thing about them kuireys is that they don't have jaat bhaat.. well they have their SUVs and the 'right' schools but at least if you work hard or go to right schools and hang out with the right crowd... you get to enjoy your life as a capitalist pig kyaaruh!

Here in Nepal, you work, study and play hard but at the end of the day, if you are them 'sano' jaat then you will always feel like an outsider ... sorry .. not feel.. you will always be 'the' outsider kya!

While Prince Willie gets married to Catherine ... the whole world will be watching ... and so will all them bald men as well! It doesn't matter if you are a Prince or a just another bloke... we, men worry about our hair kya! Nothing wrong with being a taalu... but you know... male ego ki kay bhancha ni.... haha!

Anyways, Congrats to the future King of England and Queen Catherine ... I think they won't split like Willie's parents because they have known each other for a long tyam .. and have broken off few times...but Katie will have to learn how to be them 'Royal' ... .act all snooty wooty hola ni!

And no work as a party planner hola... or she can just write her blog slog everyday... hehe!

The problem with Charlie and Diana ... well, he was 31 and she was just a teenager... baroo 21 bhaye chahi khaas problem hoodai-naw thyo hola! Well, Willie is 28 and Katie is 29 ... so it probably will be a good marriage hola! Anyways, Hope Her Majesty and her German clan will continue to get them bhatta satta from the British government for many more years to come!

And let us not blame our Royals pani... look at them Prince and Princesses, Charlie got divorced, so did Andrew and them buharis are always doing something stupid and crazy..hehe!

Now, Paras Dai needs to quit smoking, drinking and driving and firing .. haha.. baroo, go run the Everest Marathon or since every so-called Kathmanduites are now into cycling.. get on a bike and race around town ... be fit sit ni! And someday, who knows... he will still be alive to see his son as the King of Nepal hola.. well there will always be that 'will they come back' question as long as our stupid netas act like juvenile delinquents kyaaruh!

And talking about our British Raani, Queenie will probably live for another 10 years hola... the Queen Mother lived to be 100 something hoinuh ruh! And Charlie boy will not be King.. he will be Prince of Wales and plants and herbs!

So... come 2020.. them British will be singing 'God Save the King' hola ni! And for our netas... they will be singing 'Singh is King' for few more years then let's see who becomes them Desi prime-monster... then we will have new national anthem feri.. haha!

Police Brutality...

The funny thing about Nepal is ... if you are a Nepali then you get @#$!ed by the cops, the bandh-wallahs, netas and our sarkaari hakims... but if you are a foreigner (white!) then you can drive without a license (no checking), walk around Thamel drunk @ 3 am in the morning (without getting manhandled by them cops!) and get them 'Royal' treatment wherever you go kyaaruh!

I have nothing against gringos... I love white people.. hehe! If it weren't for them white folks... we would not be listening to all them angrezi songs and watching them Hollywood movies. Khoi ... aroo tuh khaas kehi pani chaina sikey-ko uni haroo batuh! Well.. them only two Amriki words I have learnt so far ... 'Whasssup.. and Whatever!' .. haha!

Yubaraj Ghimire, (hamro Nepal ko naam chaleko journalist) and two senior citizens (hamro Nepal ko intellectuals haroo) got slapped, pushed and nearly got their ass kicked by them Armed Police Force jawans outside them 'Amrikano' recreation centre in Kantipath rey!

Yes, you can take pictures of the Narayanhiti Palace Museum but if you cross the road and start clicking then them APF folks will drag you in and them Amriki marines will ask you silly questions like ... 'Do you know Bin Laden? ... if yes .. then how and if no... then you better say yes or we will make sure you get your ass kicked by the Nepal police!'

Mr. Ghimire was talking to his friends .. sidewalk ma .. and our APF Rambo decided to push them around... then Mr. G asked the Rambo.. 'why are you pushing me, bhai?' and he got slapped rey.. so he got pissed and called them APF ko IGP... the IGP called the DIG and sent him to investigate rey!

The DIG didn't apologize and he was like .. 'are you sure, you got bitch-slapped and punched or were you drunk?' ... ani arko AIG showed up rey ... pachi the APF guy was sent to Durbar Marg police station for kaar-wai rey! Even Mr. Ghimire feels sorry for the Rambo... bichara lai jay sika-yo tyehi garney tuh ho ni!

Mr. Ghimire should start a Facebook page.... if I went around the valley shouting against 'police brutality' .. they will probably say 'Here come crazy Guffadi' but Mr. Ghimire is not a neta or a neta ko chamcha... he should speak up and we should back him up by asking all Kathmanduites to gather outside them APF and Nepal Police to HQ and ask them IGPs to either teach his fellow constables ... how to act like decent human beings or just stay inside them barracks and play volleyball or something!

Yes, baroo kunai din.. let's gather around them Amriki Club and sing songs and take pictures kya... they have all this 'No Clicky-Wicky' signs every where... and I just want to see if them APF folks and the Amriki marines come outside and arrest 5,000 Nepalis singing 'dohori', dancing and taking photos of each other ... outside them Amrik Club ko walls!

Nepal police should be renamed Nepal Chor and even though Armed Police Force started as a highly disciplined force, nowadays they are busy guarding our borders by letting them smugglers bring in goods without paying them taxes! They also guard them foreign embassies and them INGOs ... but why do them Amrikis need our security folks kya?

They should shift their embassy and 'drinking' club somewhere outside the Valley .. and maybe bring them private contractors from the US and guard their own people ni... hoinuh ruh?

Mr. Ghimire and his friends are hi-fi people... .so it's in the news but everyday , thousands of Nepalis get their ass kicked or are verbally abused by our so-called security folks. Our netas are always busy using them as private security guards and what not!

Ghimire had them IGP ko number and he knows them people on the top but what about them ordinary citizens? If we get slapped and harassed by them cops .. where do we go to complain?

Well, we can't all call them IGPs ... but it's about tyam... they came out with some regulation on them police-wallahs... we don't foot your salary so that you can verbally and physically abuse us kya!

And we don't need them PhD wallahs and them experts to come up with them 'ten commandments' for our police-wallahs.. we just need to make sure that these arse-holes don't use foul language, steal , beat and kill citizens aka loot, boot and shoot!

And it is the job of them courts to decide if them folks are guilty and sentence them accordingly .. our police-wallahs have no right to torture folks even if they are guilty of any crimes!

Our netas only talk about democracy and republic and all them nataks... but nothing much will change unless they commit to police reform .... and it's not only the police kya!

This whole system needs to be reformed but our so-called netas have done nothing for the people but have done everything only for themselves and have played their cards well ... to deform the system and today, we are living in a country of chaos where only the corrupt and the cadres have all the fun!

System Shutdown...

First of all, I would like to thank them clowns from the so-called Newa-Tamang combo platter gang for organizing a bandh today ... our Mao-buddies really look out for the people and the environment bhannoo parla! If there wasn't a bandh today then our great Nepali janta would have probably burned down them petrol pumps around the valley... hehe!

The Congressis want 7 states, the UML still need to figure out if they are communists or not .. hehe .. and our Mao-buddies would be more than happy to go back to the 24 kingdoms and maybe Prachandoo Raja might give Gorkha to Baburam and Mohan Baidya can have ... I don't know .. Siliguri?

What about them Madeshi leaders? They just want a bora of ICs (Indian Currency) and maybe a house in Delhi hola ni! And Narayan Man Bijukche can be the King of Bhaktapur hola! Sujata auntie can be the Empress of Biratnagar or something or she can try her luck in Bangladesh .. baroo tyeha ko Prime-Monster-ni hoon-chin ki?

Our so-called political parties promised them tourism-wallahs that they wouldn't do any bandhs and all them tyre-burning BBQ sessions during VNY 2011.. well, them promises are meant to broken bhanchan ni ... yestai ho... yeha ko chalan!

According to them surveys ..... 77% of them Kathmanduites spend them 'bandh' day ... sleeping rey! What about them 23%... well, they have 'marriage' parties ni!

Anyways... abuh May 28th samma ... bandh ka bandh nai hola ni.... even Kamal Thapa is doing his thing by organizing them 'rally' .... baroo Kamal Dai lai pani Hetauda ko Raja banai diye kaso hola?

The Maoists want everything for themselves, our Madeshi leaders want Terai to be another state of India, UML and Congressis just want to have fun ... and Gyanu Uncle is passing his tyam, playing poker on Facebook ... haha! And all them bandhs only create problems for ordinary citizens ni... taruh kasley boal-ney ... maybe someday ... we can organize a bandh to end all bandhs... hehe!

Once again, let's thank our Mao-buddies for opening the 'Bandh' season... thank you for helping the environment ... hope next tyam them Greenpeace wallahs will give Prachandoo some award pani.... and on May 28th, we should do a bandh... only @ BICC! We ask them netas to get in and then we lock them up until they finish this 'constitution' thing ... hoon-nuh ruh?

Nobody's Business...

The fuel shortage is getting nasty... NOC is always asking for them loan soan from our so-called government ... maybe we can recover them losses if our so-called anti-corruption agency, the CIAA rounded up them NOC employees and confiscated their ill-gotten wealth and assets kya.

Many years ago.. NOC was known as 'Dubai' rey .. haha.. I don't know how much oil Dubai has but all them employees from peon to hakim saheb did some hanky panky and made billions! Well, it's not only them NOC... all our PEs share the same story kya!

The pump owners are busy hoarding or mixing them petrol with kerosene and by next week, petrol ko vow will go up by another ten rupees hola! Them tanker-wallahs steal them fuel even before it crosses the border and NOC employees get their cut here and there!

The taxi-drivers can now throw their meters away because they don't use it anymore. If you used to pay Rs 200 before... now just add 25% (vow badyo fee) more or else you start walking or hiking hehe!

I am taking the tyampoo nowadays because my office moved to a new location where them cell phone reception sucks... and yes .. them safa tyampoos are good for the environment but very bad for your stomach...hehe! Don't eat tannaw dal-bhat and get in a tyampoo to work... because them bouncy tyampoos lay garda ... you can feel everything inside you jumping up and down!

And please do wear a helmet as well. You never know kya.. Kathmandu ko bato, more potholes than ever... and if the tyampoo hits the right khaalto then you will probably get a concussion when your head hits them tyampoo ko chaana!

Our so-called netas get them free vehicle, free fuel and free maintenance etiyaadi... while we have to wait in line for like ... 12 hours to get few litres of petrol kyaaruh!

And gaadi saadi ko vow pani ... every year our government raises them taxes but instead of repairing them roads, them tax sax ko paisa goes to them netas ko bhoodi ma!

And since we have them misa-wot petrol .. them vehicles break down often and when them mechanics work on them vehicles, you have to keep a close eye on them or they might be busy experimenting with super glue and what not! Ani ustai paryo bhaney... part poorja nai change gardin-chan hehe!

Talking about our netas... they get free bokas ..sorry.. khasis and duty-free raksi from National Trading, free fuel from NOC and even them Maoist combatants get free electricity from NEA (well... them Mao camps haven't cleared them batti ko bill sill but still continue to get batti .. ani free jastai bhayo ni)... and what do we get?

We get nothing ... and we seem to be happy with it ... maybe we need to bring back Uncle Gyanu and make him the King again so at least we have someone to blame for all our problems... hehe!

Our Prime-Monster, Jhallu Baba is going to India and then he will go to Turkey rey! I hope he takes a rickshaw all the way ... hehe!

All them so-called leaders around the world are trying to cut down their own perks (sabai thau ko economy daama-doal!) and what not but our jackasses are spending our taxpayers money like crazy... somebody needs to tell them this ain't a game of Monopoly and there's no such thing as 'free' money kya!

Khoi kay bhanney... it's just a game of Monopoly for our netas... they get 'Get out of Jail Free' card every now and then and even though most of them are so-called communists... they all have them ropanis of jagga sagga in Kathmandu!

I do not have a problem if you worked hard and saved some dough and built a small house in 5 annas of land... but you really can't make millions or billions (in a year or two) in Nepal by either evading taxes, smuggling something or looting the rastra ko dhukuti!

Sorry... I forgot them jagga dalals and the tender-wallahs... jagga business is down the drain... and tender sender.. tuh you have to pay all them political parties, local goondas and by the time it's all done... you are left with nothing but ulcers, migraines and seizures ... hehe!

And there is another halla ... bholi Kathmandu bandh rey! Lau.. finally .. the bandh season has started in Kathmandu... buy them books, noodles and daal-moat .. ani chow chow kha-dai , kitaab pawd-dai ghar mai basnoos!

The Dilemma...

Prachandoo is suffering from anxiety attacks rey... and he now has to drink like 7-8 pegs every night ... natra nindra laag-daina rey!

Poor Master P... Mohan Baidya aka 'Rambo' wants to stop this 'constitution writing' nataks and go for the final showdown ... people's revolt is the answer bhanchan... whereas Dr. BRB aka 'Geek' wants to sit down and ask them Kangaroos (Congressis!) to join the team and get done with this so-called constitution stuff!

And Master P is like .... we ain't going to get this shit done anyway so we will come up with this draft sraft and extend the term for like 6 months and then feri hay-room naw kay garney... but Baidya is like .. 'you suck and don't make me go berserk on you arse'... haha!

If you don't go for them people's revolt then them hard-liners will probably try to roast Prachandoo alive.. and if you do agree to them 'big bang' theory prescribed by Baidya then the Maoists will probably split into three and will be just another communist nautanki parties we have seen so far!

So when will them House of Mao split ? Well, it will happen soon .. maybe by the end of this year! The Indian Foreign Minister told our Dr. Saheb, BRB .. 'Babu.. just go ahead and do your own stuff, we will back your arse!' and BRB is seriously thinking of doing his own dance rey but of course.. he doesn't have them 'angry young communists' from them cantonments or them extortion squad in his pocket kya!

Lastuh ma gaye-raw paisa ko khel tuh ho ni... and Prachandoo is the richest man in Nepal ... I think Forbes lay jastai .. Nepal ko laagi choottai 'Rich List' kasai lay (how about Republica?) print garey hooncha ni! Top 50 ma sabai hamrai neta ruh netini haroo nai parchan kyaaruh!

And them other folks on the list will be our so-called industrialists aka 'Car Dealers' ... who have always made them Finance Ministers happy and have neither paid them bank loans or them taxes nai.. abuh kay, bank sank nai uni haroo ko, ani sabai sarkari hakim haroo pani uni haroo ko nai chamcha ani kya mazza hagi!

Mao Inc. is no longer them so-called 'revolutionary' party now! It may have waged them people's war with good intentions but ended up killing them local school teachers, ill-equipped police-wallahs and army soldiers whose reinforcements never arrived on time.

The war was never about uprooting the system... it was only about attaining power at any cost or compromise... and when the ballots failed .. the bullets prevailed! Them corrupt politicians and sarkaari hakims were safe in Kathmandu.... paying them Maoists protection money while them villagers suffered and became refugees in their own land kyaaruh!

At the end of the day, our Desis bhai brought our so-called netas together by offering them free Hyderbadi Biryani hola ni.. and out went ... Gyanu & Co... ani ... while we rejoiced and danced on the streets, our leaders forgot about them sacrifices and went back to the old game of conspiracies and khoota-taaning for their own personal benefits!

The Maoists have never understood hola... that their so-called People's War lasted 10 years (and did nothing but made Binod Chow-dhary richer hehe... Wai Wai!) but it was them Nepali people and their 19 days of Andolan that brought the House of Shah down...

But now they take them credit for everything. Yes, if it weren't for them Maoists, we would not be talking about them CA, federalism, secularism and so-called isms... so it is their responsibility to bring this CA natak to closure and give us the 'constitution' we have been waiting for the last 60 years!

The Maoists must bring all them parties together ... yes, they are all crooks but it's about time .. they got their act together! There will be elections later, you can kill each other and try all them tricks to win them elections but for now.. please.. get your act together ... because we are tired of everything!

We don't want your 'Mao' constitution.. give us our 'Nepali' constitution so that we may live in peace. If not then ... go for the final revolt and burn this country to ashes ... so that maybe we will all feel the pain and suffering instead of them people in them villages!

Prachandoo has the money and the muscles and while Baidya and BRB keeps on whining and bitching, he alone can and should decide how the Maoists will move ahead... tyeskaran Prachandey Kazi... this is the time to choose your path kya!

Either you can burn this place up or help to re-build it and let us live in peace... if not then he has to be prepared for a nasty break-up and put on a circus act as them three stooges kyaaruh and then join the rest of them UML and Congressi crooks as just another hawa-taari political party in this so-called Republic of Nepal!

Our so-called leaders should understand that when they become them Prime-Monster and mini-sinisters.. they are not only representing their party and cadres and the foreign agents kya... country and people should come first .. and not your chamchas and your stupid party kya!

And then... we will all have to get used to them nataks and resign ourselves to living in chaos forever ... hola ni!

We Shall Overcome...

Happy Loktantra Diwas... it's been five years now... and we are still @#$ed by our so-called leaders! Don't worry.. it's been more than 60 years since we got rid of the 'Ranas' and their 'one family' rule ... but they are still 'Raja Hajurs' ... been more than twenty years ... we got rid of them 'one party' rule but even today, them Pancheys are still playing the game!

So don't be surprised if Gyanu Uncle and the gang receive them free security and other perks for the next fifty years... hehe... but that's how it is ... and nothing much will change until one day.. we finally get rid of this system of nepotism and cronyism and all this bull shit -isms.....!

@#$! this so-called democracy and all them hawa-taari guffs our so-called leaders have been feeding us forever... it's about tyam we stand up and fight for 'meritocracy' ... and we should be able to kick them jackasses in the face and let them know that we are not afraid.... we shall overcome...someday!

And today is Easter... Happy Easter! Okay, I take it back ... the 'kick in the face' formula.. I would rather celebrate Easter today than this 'Loktantra Diwas' natak!

What can we learn from Jesus? I am not a theologian ... and the only thing I know is ... 'forgiveness' ... as we forgive our so-called leaders for betraying us again and again.. 'Father forgive them, for they know not what they do...' (Luke 23:34)

Disco Inferno...

Good job... SP Kedar Rijal for starting out with a bang kyaaruh! Once again, our Nepal Police has shown us how competent they are when it comes to them 'raiding discos' and arresting under-age dancing queens and kings!

We all want to have some fun ni.... and if them youngsters want to go to some dance party on a Saturday afternoon then kay ko problem ho? Well, the only thing our cops could do is check for any minors drinking them raksi and getting too wild hola but why are our cops acting like them Talibans?

When we were kids... them cops would cut your hair if it was lamo and you jutta if it was too choo-ccho ... so no long hair and dingo boots hehe! So .. nothing new for our Nepal Police.. they have been doing this natak forever kyaaruh!

We have had four SPs in the last two years ... and let's go through the list! SP Nava Raj Silwal was doing a fine job then he got transferred because the AIGs were not making their 'cut' from our gangsters!

Today, SSP Nava Raj Silwal walks around with a bodyguard because he still gets them threatening calls from them gangsters rey! When them criminals are sleeping with our politicians then even them police-wallahs need protection kya!

Then they brought in SP Ramesh Kharel and he turned out to be another 'smarty pants' by doing his job instead of letting AIG Madan Khadka do his 'con' job kyaaruh! Well, then he was transferred and bichara SP Puskhar Karki... didn't last even three months!

SP Karki ko bad luck... 3 shootings in two weeks but he was trying to do his job rey.. kay garne... when them police constables are worse than the local goondas! And we can't blame them SP when all his subordinates are busy getting paid by our goondas!

AIG Arjun Jung Shahi, our so-called Metropolitan Police Commissioner (MPC) should either quit or get transferred ni.... aakhir ma uskai command ma ho ni Kathmandu Valley! AIG Shahi is our jawana ko Kollywood ko hero pani... maybe he should watch few 'Cop' movies hola ... baroo do some dance numbers himself and run around Rani Pokhari catching them local pick-pockets.. do something kya!

I think it's about tyam we close down them dance bars and discos and casinos or at least regulate them... hoinuh ruh? Oh.. sorry... let us not talk about rules and regulations in Nepal!

Thousands of young girls from the villages work in them dance bars! They are exploited, tortured and humiliated not only by them dance bar owners and clients but our police-wallahs as well!

But of course.. if we close all them dance bars in the valley then our police-wallahs will lose more than 1crore a week from them sahujis rey... now let's do the math.. that's like Rs 52 crores a year... and all them local police station ko Inspector dekhi sabai lai bhaag-banda and let us not forget our great comrades as well! The YCL do get their share as well!

And yes it goes to the SPs and the DIGs and the AIG pani... what about the IGP? Hehe... poor guy, he paid 6crores to get the top job .. so he needs to make some dough on the side as well!

Maybe the 'Babylon Disco' owner didn't pay their 'welcome hafta' to the new SP hola ni! All our so-called Discos are run by them local gangsters! Well, most nightclubs around the world are run by local mafias... business nai tyestai khaal ko ho ... you raati ko business sleaziness!

But Nepal Police can do us all a favor if they stopped them kidnappings, murder and loot-paat rather than making a fool of themselves by kicking the DJs in them arses and hauling traumatized school children to them shitty police stations!

Katti nai khoob thulo kaam garya jastai... I think our school children should organize their own dance party on Saturdays.. no alcohol of course.. and maybe raise money for them schools in gau sau... baroo! And what about them adults... our Home Minister and them stupid police-wallahs should at least give us a 'Friday Night.. party till 4am' break ni... aroo din baroo 10bajey nai banda garnoos kya!

And when will our Nepal Police learn to behave like cops instead of rowdy, drunk and foul-mouthed louts? Or do we need to buy them soap and water and make them eat them for swearing and abusing them sojho, sajha janta for no good reason?

I think it's about tyam we transferred all them valley ko police-wallahs from AIGs to them constables ... to Terai! Yes, go fight them Madeshi armed outfits ni ... and save them innocent folks in Terai kya!

Abuh kati gaali garney... you are supposed to be them SLC-pass if you want to be a police-wallah in Kathmandu rey... but Nepal ma rule sule ... goli maaro! I think hamro police, army ma jaagi khana minimum requirment nai 10+2 banaye hooncha!

If you want to join the Nepal Police as a constable, you have to pay like Rs 100,000.00 and the price goes up ... lnspector lko laagi 5-7 lakhs (for jaagir only, better posting ko laagi tuh arko 10-20 lakh!).. and if you want to be promoted to DIG then it's 50 lakhs and IGP lai 5+ Crores... so let us not do the math anymore...hehe!

Abuh if you bribe someone to get the job then you will do everything possible to bend them law saw and recover your investment ni. Chor nai Chor ko desh ma Chor nai Hero ... hami sabai zero haum kya! Abuh ko chahi 'sabai bhanda thulo chor' TV game show soo-roo garey hooncha hola!

The police constable will be busy extorting 50 and 100 Rupees from the local 'illegal' parking wallahs! The Inspector gets his hafta from the local dance and dohori clubs.. the SPs get their cut from the local 'dhoonga khaani' and 'black-market' sahujis... the DIG gets his birthday gifts from the thulo sahujis.. and the AIGs and IGP.. I don't know.. the APCs and them ration thekka will help hola ni!

And our Home Minister and his chamchas get the biggest piece of them cake sake kyaaruh... lastuh ma gayeruh tyehi rajniti chor haroo ko khel tuh ho ni!

When we have problems... we don't go to them Police anymore! We go to them Maoists or Madeshis (depends where you are ni!) ... I don't think we need them Police ..kyaruh.. we only need them dalals (middle-men) to fix things up while our politicians and their chamchas mint money so that they can have more fun in Naya Nepal!

So.. let us forget about Democracy and this 'Republic' bull shit.. welcome to Dalal-o-cracy ... if the price is right our so-called leaders will sell this country and catch the next plane to Delhi... ani hamro police-wallah haroo.. what about them.. they can always join the local Bihar or UP Police hola ni.. and they won't miss a thing... our politicians and them police-wallahs will do well in Uttar Pradesh than hamro desh kya!

Perform This Way...

I have been suffering from pet-dooking for a month now... yes, should not have tried them local vyar vyar momos six days in a row! Then went on to try them local bhatti ko moola ko achar and aloo dum!

Tyes pachi, pet kaatney, spending two hours meditating (bathroom ma!) every morning and evening ... finally after a week or two, I went to the doctor. The doctor was on crack... tried them antibiotics, jooga maarney, pet ko kira maarney ... khoi kay kay maarney pills ho!

Then went to the gastro-maestro ... tried another antibiotics and feri kay kay maarney dabai.. didn't work.. finally he said... 'How about running them pipe sipe up your arse!' ... I said , 'No, let's try this med for a week or two and see ni...'

Well, the med didn't work.. so finally had to get them powder and drink it up and then go to the bathroom for like .. 9 and 1/2 tyams! Then went to the clinic for the 'colon' video night! The nurse asked me to lift my green Irish gown...and then she sprayed something there and it hurt like hell... like tyo bee sting bhanda pani badi!

Waited for the daaktar... he was busy somewhere. Ani guff suff gardai... the nurse is just 21 and she lives in Dhapakhel. She has finished her something medical assistant training rey.

"Abuh nursing pawdney ni..."

"Khoi... hay-room.... kay garney thaha bhayenaw."

"Abuh kay hare-nay ni... Bsc Nursing garney ni..."

Ani... usko boyfriend ko phone ayo... and she was busy kyaaruh. Then the so-called doctor ko assistant.. the guy who cleans them pipe sipe, machine showed up.

"Ani training lay-ko ho yo machine chalau-naw?"

"Kaha Dai... bhakkar 1 mahina bhayo... maw tuh BBA first year pawd-dai choo!"

"Ho ruh.. lau, ani kay sikyo tuh .. feri cycle ho hawa bharney pipe sipe naw-ghoosau mero pet vitra..."

"Haha.. mailey ghoosauney hoinuh, Daaktar saheb lay garney ho!"

Then the doctor showed up. He started his thing... and in a few seconds, I could fill them air inside my large intestine kyaaruh... and it hurt... he was busy looking for something and after 15-20 minutes of hawa inside my intestine and hurting... he finally got done and said.. 'Khoi, kehi chaina... sabai ramrai cha...'

"And don't drink milk and no wheat sweet .. and that's it! "

"I really want to eat them double choclate cake .. real bad and I want some chicken tandoori too."

"Hooncha, khanoos... but also take this medication as well and let's see for a week or two and if it doesn't help then we will do them endoscopy and biopsy and what not!"

Okay... so now I have to take them capsule and some powder every tyam I eat something and if this doesn't work then I really am thinking of going to them Ram Dev Baba ko yoga stuff and try them vaidya ko dabai.. hehe!

Guinness World Records...

While our netas are busy fighting with each other, them ordinary folks are doing something productive (like licking stamps and eating grapes!) to make us proud! And yestai taal ho bhaney... someday... them Guiness World Records will have to bring out a special edition 'Nepali eestyle' hehe!

We have the world's shortest man but of course, we have to thank God for that.. and the oldest man on Everest... and no God didn't play any role in that one.. he did it by himself but we have to thank them Sherpas for helping him.

The former Foreign Minister from them Panchey days is also in Everest now. And he is 82 and he plans to break the 'Thakali' grandpa ko record rey! When we were kids, Shailendra Upadhyaya used to be in the news kyaaruh!

And Dolly Gurung used be the 'model' of the day.... well, she was busy chapa-ing Wai Wai and it was so sexy kya... haha... now Rekha Thapa is prancing around in half-kattu and it's very waak-waaking! Tyeti bela ko guff chahi.. Shailey uncle was dating Dolly rey!

Haha... okay, I don't want to talk about them old days ... feri I have to make fun of Bhusan Dahal, our Sunday Pop ... the shortest VJ ever .. who had to stand up on a boksaa so that he looked tall on screen.. hehe! Bhusaney uncle is now the head honcho of KTV .. so let's not bitch about him and someday I might need to go there and pitch him my 'Saturday Night Live' Nepali-eestyle...hehe!

And we also have our Nepali youth breaking all them 'crazy' records left and right. I think I should also be in the race hola... for the longest tyam holed up in them bathroom sathroom.. haha!

The 'Timilsina' clan have been shaking hands for the last 30 hours rey and they are going to stop their shaking today rey! World record chahi.. 33 and these four hand-stars plan to keep on shaking for at least 48 hrs rey! Lau hai... good luck!

I think we should all get together on May 28th and lock all our CA members inside BICC Hall till they finish writing and approving them new constitution kya! And no food but only paani and biskoot for our netas .. because if we provide all them so-called perks then these jackasses might stay inside for another year or two..hehe!

And no cell phones as well or them network will be down all over Kathmandu when all them CA bhaat-maaras start calling Delhi for instructions kya!

Then there is, Deepak Sharma Bajagain (DSB)... this man will probably have like 101 records to his name by the tyam our netas get done with the constitution hola... tyo bhanya maybe 2020 tiruh!

DSB ko record haroo: He has like.. read aloud for 113 hours rey. I think we should also ask our so-called netas to participate. Prachandoo can go on and on forever... so next tyam if 'state capture' fails ... then he can try to break DSB's record hola ni!

DSB has eaten like 34 cloves of garlic in a minute rey! And he should have kissed Sujata auntie after that... maybe then she will run away and go back to Germany! She has not only destroyed our national airlines but also made billions for her son-in-law, the Bangladeshi jackal!

And DSB ko list goes on and on.... he holds the record for bouncing them tennis ball with them bat sat for like 4+ hrs and then he went ahead and licked like 70 stamps in a minute. I think DSB should get a job @ the Post Office!

We can save some glue slue and maybe fire them lazy karmachaaris while DSB licks our stamps all day long! Our President should award him some medal and declare him our national hero or something! And if that doesn't work, he can use his tongue-skills to satisfy his gawl-friend hola ni! Sorry.... but I meant that in a good way... hehe!

And recently, DSB broke another world record by eating them 180+ grapes in less than 3 minutes rey... next tyam, hand this guy a bora of fruit salad!

I hope our netas will also break them world record ... longest tyam without a constitution .. but I think we should all go to New Baneshwor on May 28th .... and MJ ko 'Thriller' ma dance garoom naw.... if we can get like 100,000+ then we can also break the world record hola ni!

We can ask the world's shortest man and the oldest man to Climb Everest... to join in the fun and maybe Deepak Sharma Bajagain can lick all the ice-cream he can get and break another record pani... hehe... Kay cha bichar?

Lord Krishna is here....

Lord Krishna is here in Nepal... haha! Not... but Indian Foreign Minister, Somanahalli Mallaiah Krishna is here! I hope the Desi minister, SM Krishna from Karnataka won't read the wrong speech like he did @ them UN meeting, many months ago!

Yes, even the Desis make mistakes here and there! SM Krishna was reading them Portuguese Minister ko speech in them UN meeting rey! I hope our Jhallu Baba won't do the same thing when he travels to India to kiss the Desi Prime-Monster's arse!

Since the Bhutani prime-monster (wearing some skirt or something) was here ... hope he didn't leave his speech behind! Feri India gaako bela ma, Jhallu Baba might begin his speech with 'We, the Bhutani people will do everything India says...' or something like that!

Talking about Jhallu... our communists are getting worse than them congressis kya! Former IGP, DB Lama gave Rs 2 crores to GP Dada and he went on to be them Rasuwa ko MP and even... minister during them congressi days kyaruh!

And now we have another minister, Mr. Lama or 'whatever his name is or was!' in Jhallu's cabinet... who happens to have three different passports from three different countries rey! Euta Nepali passport, Euta Desi passport ani euta Tibetan travel document something pani rey!

You may say... no, Tibet ain't no country... it was and will always be.. for me... only our netas are always kissing them Dim Sum arses because they get bhatta from them Chinese Embassy kyaaruh! We support 'One China' policy rey... my dal bhat arse!

Looks like the 'international' Nepali James Bond, Mr. Lama ... won't be a mantri now but instead of our media bitching and whining about this guy... we should give him some award kya baroo! Even Charles Sobhraj would be like... 'damn.. that's slick .. yo!' ...haha!

Ani our CA members, Miss Gayatri Sah and BP Yadav are now in jail.. finally all them pressure and tampering with their passports didn't work!

Well, sorry guys... if you were them Mao-buddies then you could sing them MC Hammer ko geet seet... 'You can't touch this' or something like that.. ni!

Anyways, let's get back to Lord Krishna! Hope all our political parties are ordering them paani puri and chaat shaat from Aaagan restaurant or something! The Madeshis, Maoists and the other morons are all ready to kiss some arse rey!

But the Desi minister only wants to sign them extradition treaty so that them RAW agents can shoot and arrest people in broad daylight.. here in Kathmandu! No more hiring them hit-men and killing our so-called media tycoons hola ni!

And UTL, them Desi telecom company owes like billions of Rupees in royalty rey and they don't want to pay and Krishna will make sure they don't have to pay a penny rey!

And since we have signed the TIFA with them Amrikis, the Desis are like .... 'What's wrong with our BIPA?' If we sign them 'Bilateral Investment Protection Agreement' with India then we will probably be buying 99% of all them stuff from India and if them Indian businesses in Nepal don't make them profit srofit then our government will have to compensate them kyaaruh!

I am not them economist or 'foreign affairs' expert but I have watched them Desi movie.. 'Dil Bole Hadippa' .. so that should count naaa!

Finally, went to the doctor.. the same guy jasko cell phone rings every 30 secs... but today, his phone was on vibrate sibrate hola.. he was busy using one aula to text sext kyaaruh!

I have been given some jeevan-jal like powder.. but this one will make me go to the toilet (that's what Kate Middleton's Mom says rey!) for like 9 1/2 tyam rey and then I go to the clinic tomorrow evening for them 'wire up my arse' circus natak... God Save Guffadi!

Good Old US of A....

Our finance Minister 'VAT' Mohan Adhikari signed this new 'trade' agreement with the Amrikis rey!

It's called 'TIFA' aka 'Trucks Involved (in) Fatal Accidents' haha... no tyo bhaneko 'Trade and Investment Framework Agreement' rey! And the last tyam we signed this kind of bilateral trade agreement was 65 years ago rey... when Pashupati SJB Rana's grandfather was eating chicken chilly, drinking French wine and dancing with the belly dancers from Lucknow..hehe!

So.. what have we been doing since 1947? Burning tyres and celebrating the overthrow of the Ranas and then the Shahs and hopefully we will have 'Finally We Are Free' (FWAF) day soon when we overthrow our netas hola ni..hehe!

So what does this mean? Well, the Amrikis want to sell us them 'beef jerkies' , cheap 'watery' beer, maybe a couple of missiles (if the Desis don't mind!) and them 'original' Hollywood DVDs and Lady Gaga albums hola ni! Lau.. abuh tyo pirated DVDs haroo sell garyo bhaney FBI nai auney hola ni Kathmandu ma..haha!

And what do we have .. that we can sell to the Amrikis and make some money? Err... nothing.. the Chinese sell everything for 99 cents .. hehe! But we can make some money if we sell them thongs (tyo Pashupati ma jogi haroo lay launey undies!) ... maybe 'organic thongs' for them Amrikis hola ni!

Well, Gaganey (not the so-called Youth Leader).. the Himalayan Java guy is in Amrika.. I hear that he opened some coffee toffee shop rey... he is a pukka byapari... nikkai batho cha moro but good for him.. so hope he will be able to sell his 'Nepali' coffee to the Amrikis.. tax break pani pauney ho ki?

We can also sell them Kukhuris hola and maybe make them Amriki jhanda... Nepzie style kya... hami pani Red White and Blue nai haum ni! If you have any ideas then please let me know... and what will them Amriki sell us?

Well, them GE folks can make billions (while we make a few millions hola!) if our Maobadis get a piece of the cut when we finally do let them bideshis invest in them hydro-power projects ni... well, we still have them bideshis investing a little here and there but if Milan Chakre dai wants 2 crores out of them 15 crores ko building suilding in his area then of course... our Mao-buddies will expect 10-15% of some billion dollar project ni!

Yestai ho.. MC (Milan Chakre) is a small fish while the 'real' MC (Mao Comrades) is like them shark kyaaruh!

And NEA doesn't want to pay the fair price for them batti satti to our Nepali hydro developers but when it comes to the Desis and other bideshis.. NEA will pay double kyaaruh!

I really don't understand... our own netas and sarkaari hakims and so-called political parties are really working hard together to drive away Nepali investors and close down domestic industries and what not.... khoi kinnuh ho kunni?

Anyways... hope all of us will be chewing them 'original' Wrigley ko chewing gum instead of them fake Chinese ones (yes 58.2% of them gum sum are fake rey!) and we can finally buy Advil sasto ma hola ni!

Ye... I have another business idea ... sell 'Dalle ko Achar' to the Amrikans... well not all white folks (except them Peace Corps crowd!) will eat spicy stuff but we have our Hispanics and the Louisiana crowd ni.... tyo Habanero bhanda tuh hamro Dalley nai besh!

Resign....

According to Swami Wiki Baba... resignation bhaneko to give up, admit defeat, quit etiyaadi rey! Prachandoo sarkar resigned because he was feeling suffocated inside Singha Durbar and he wanted to go out to them resorts and get some fresh air kyaaruh!

And nowadays.. he is busy visiting them resorts with his son, our current crown prince... jay bhaye pani quality family tyam tuh cha-hin-cha ni... hehe!

Makune didn't want to resign but then he had to .... but then he had fun for the next seven months bouncing on them sofas and beds in Baluwatar!

And now we have ... Jhallu Baba aka 'The Slapped One' and now, he is also ready to resign rey... kay ho yesto?

Our so-called communists should quit carrying them sickle and hammer jhandas and stop talking about them proletariat and bourgeoisie nataks kya! I think they should go back and read Marx uncle ko book sook!

We have had three communist prime-monsters since we changed our fb status to 'Republic' hehe... and so far two of them have not returned them SUVs and still get fuel and maintenance expenses! And hope Jhallu Baba will not run away with another SUV when he leaves Baluwatar... communist haroo tuh jhan cycle chadnoo parney ho.. kay bhako yeeni haroo?

75% of our CA members are the 'Red' t-shirt wallahs and they are more capitalist than our congressis or them opportunists (Madesi parties!)... I think they should just get rid of them 'communist' guffs and register as another 'hawa-taari' party kya!

We are back to them long lines in them petrol pumps and no fuel suel... but our communists are not burning them tyres .... abuh sarkar nai communist ko bhaye pachi ... kay garne?

If the Maobadis were not part of this 'Jhallu' cabinet then they would probably be burning tyres and gherao-ing them NOC and petrol pumps haroo... yestai rahecha Nepal ko politics solitics!

Our netas should stop talking about them 'people' ... please.. hamro kaan paaki sakyo! Baroo.. just be honest and tell us like it is... like.. 'we don't know how to run a country kya'

Our so-called leaders know one thing.. and that is .. 'how to ruin a country!'... heheh! Baroo... our netas should all go to them resorts and take a year off and write their autobiographies or something like that!

Our netas haroo ko story will begin from some gau sau ani paisa pani maroo-la and then end ma chahi.. they end up with enough money to buy them gau sau.. rags to riches story nai ho ni... the only difference chahi.. hami afnai pasina ruh ragat lay pragati garchau .. our netas suck our blood, sweat and tears and end up screwing not only us but for generations to come!

I think we should all demand them local elections after May 28th... it's been around 10 years and we still don't have our Mayors, Ward Chairpersons and what not! Sarkari hakims and our so-called parties are running our local wards and munis and stealing all the budget sudget kya!

And all them political parties are looting the national coffer with impunity while we the people are busy fighting with the taxi driver, the petrol pump attendant and the local vegetable seller!

Come May 28th, we should stop fighting and kicking each other ... because we are not the problem kya... our netas are ... tyesai lay ... we have to work together and be a part of the solution... solution chai kay ni?

I don't know... since the Desi Foreign minister will be in town soon.. we can ask him to take our netas back to India because we don't need them anymore ... kinuh bhaney yeeni haroo sabai Desi ko chamcha tuh ho ni! Bhai Saheb.. we don't need them anymore .. haha! And Uncle G lai pani liyeruh janoos hai!

Baroo send Rajnikanth to Nepal... we will be happy to have him as our leader kya! At least he won't be attending them jpt karykarams like our prime-monsters... baroo harek din euta mega event @ Rajni's .... now let us all go to Salsa Nepal and ask them folks to start a 'Rajni Dance' course or something!

And we can also train our police force on Rajnietics ... how to fire a gun (Nepal Police lai tyo pani audai-naw rey!) and kill four robbers with a single bullet, how to stop the hit man's bike by just whistling .. you know all that Rajni stuff!

Bribe, Business & Backstabbing!

Our traffic police-wallah are minting money left and right! They even work on Saturdays.... stopping them trucks srucks and asking for them chiya kharcha! And once again... the 'digital plate' natak has begun... hope them foreign embassies and our sarkaari hakims haroo lai pani car-wai garcha hola ni!

Dashain aunoo baaki nai cha kya gadha haroo ho... baroo tyo emission check seck garnoos naw... digital plate nay hamro health bigrya chaina kya!

Them only folks who seem to be doing the real work are our traffic-ni @ Thapathali ... aroo tuh paisa khanuh lai bato ma dhookay ruh bascha ... hehe!

Taxi drivers have stopped turning on their meters.... blame fuel shortage kyaaruh! The minimum fare nai NRs 200.00 bhaye sakyo! NOC loses 1.5 billion Rupees a month rey... yestai taal ho bhaney abuh sabai jana cycle chaw-laam.. baroo ban all them vehicles kya!

If you are not physically fit to ride a bicycle then you can hire a cycle-taxi .... and our prime-monster should set an example by going to work on them cycle wycle kya! And all them former Home ministers should not get them 'free ride' and petrol kharcha... stay home or get a bicycle bhatey haroo ho!

There is no solution... our government doesn't want to jack up the price , don't want to introduce them 'alternate' days 'odd-even' number plate system.... abuh kay garney tuh?

I think if we stopped providing them free fuel and maintenance kharcha to more than 3,000 of our so-called netas, sarkari hakims... we can afford to give a cycle to everyone in Kathmandu hola! Baroo.... kunai din Olympics ma pani medal jit-cha ki ?

Suraj Vaidya is the new President of FNCCI ... congrats... looks like them 5 crores was well-spent hoinuh ruh? Yestai ho... when it comes to them election thing, be it them campuses, local club, school management committee or tole sudhar samiti... you either need to bribe folks or kiss their arse or promise them something even if you can't fulfill it later.. hehe!

Anyways... Mr. Vaidya is a nice man... he is not a show-off arsehole like them Chow-Chow-dharys! He went to school in Amrika, is married to a former Miss India and likes Double Whopper rey! Okay, I just made the last one up.... but if you been to Amrika and back and you don't miss them cheeseburgers then it's not okay..haha!

Hope Mr. Vaidya will be able to shake things up ... he has three years to do his thing... but he may be the last President hola... hehe! NEA and NOC will be bankrupt then.. and we will have like 23 hrs load shedding and no fuel to import because we can't pay them IOC ko bill sill... lau .. I think Vaidya should ask them Toyota people to make bicycles kya!

And talking about backstabbing... our netas should get their shit together or else they might get a big arse whooping soon! Looks like the Big 3 idiots will split into 7 different parties hola! The UML ko two teams, Congressis will have the A and B team and the Maoists ko tuh 3 different teams to play the Nepal Super League hola ni!

We suffer from them allergies thanks to them Kathmandu ko dhulo mulo... but how come our netas are always shouting .. no sore throats, no Halls or Strepsils for them huh? The secret of their energy .. kya hai bhai saheb.. Johnny Walker Dai ko Black Label rey!

They keep on blabbering and since they already suffer from them 'mouth' disease.. it's about tyam somebody put their foot in them mouth south kya.. ani tyes pachi .. we can take our netas to the vets ... 'foot and mouth' disease ko laagi!

We really don't need them foreign hands to interfere kya... our netas are busy fighting with each other... tyo pani afnai party ko manchey sangaw.. kay taal ho yesto? I think our Netas should go back to school and learn them ABCs of politics again! And no... just reading them Mao's Red Book or Mahabharata or Gaddafi's Green Book.. don't count at all!

I think we should do a cycle rally on May 28th! Start from your own neighborhood and let's all meet up @ BICC! Ani kay garney..... well, if our CA members are still drinking chiya and having fun then we just ram them bicycles up their arses kya!

F.A.L.T.U.

Bollywood has always been good at cut & paste job from them Hollywood movies! And them Desis will be like .... 'eet eez nawt a kaapi , eet eez ins-perspiration yaar' ... and F.A.L.T.U. is just anothe remake of them Hollywood ko arko jpt comedy kyaaruh!

Fakirchand and Lakirchand Trust University (FALTU) rey... haha! India is a big arse country and we may have like 70 different ethnic groups but them Desis have like 7,000 +! Manchey ko naam pani kay kay ho.... screwdriver, tinwalla, tiffinwala, jhoom-jhoom-walla.... oops, I guess it's only them Parsi names..hehe and then our South Indian friends have them long names kya... first name, then father's name, village ko naam, baje ko bhai ko bhaisi ko naam and so on!

Then we have Laloo, Babloo and once I had a friend from Calcutta.. his name was Tariq Aziz! Hehe.. yes, them same name as them Iraqi Foreign Minister during Saddam Dai ko pala ma!

But usko ghar ko nam chahi Babloo rey! If you go to them Desi neigbhorhood anywhere in India, there will probably be 5-6 guys named 'Babloo' hola! BTW, I have never been to India... well, I did cross them border .... when I was 12 ... made it all the way to nau-toona for pack of them Wills churot kyaaruh!

Sorry... wanted to write a movie review... Desi haroo ko guff ma bhoolay-choo! Anyways, this movie is about them friends who can't get admission to them colleges because they really have bad grades rey!

Are you kidding? There must be some college in India for all them 'just pass' students ni! When I was a kid, 'no pass' students from Kathmandu used to go to Bihar for them 'fake degrees' kyaaruh! You had to go there and register at them 'Laloo' colleges and get your ID and then you collect your diploma and head home ni!

Mero tole ko euta Dai lay tuh tyo 'Nakkali degree' lay Nepal Police ma jagir pani khayo. Well, then he ran away during them 'Maobadi' days and after 5 years of AWOL, he went to the court and got his job back! Well, he is still Assistant Sub Inspector and will probably retire as ASI nai.. haha but he is having fun innit!

And he must have either given his superiors them cut sut or really knows how to kiss arse because he's always hanging out in Kathmandu while them 'no source-force' wallahs get to do some trekking in Dolpa and Rolpa kyaaruh!

Okay, abuh atti bhayo... let's get back to the story. Them Desi friends fail to get admission and with the help of Google Chand (no relation to our Lokendra B. Chand!), they create their own fake college but then they get into trouble when real students (the D- crowd) show up... hehe!

Arshad Warsi (Google Chand) is really good when he's them 'Circuit' in them Munna Bhai series but when he tries too hard to be the funny guy then over-acting garcha moro! He was great in Ishqiya but FALTU is just another D- comedy flick... so Arshad Warsi... you are a funny man, stop doing them jpt movies!

And how come Ritesh Deshmukh gets them offer for Bollywood movies? Well, his papa is them Maharastra ko former CM and current Desi government ko Minister for something kyaaruh! Talking about them Desi politicians.. our netas look like paketmaars .. haha!

When them Desis file their 'asset' report.... it's like... in hundreds of crores and our netas.. well, most of them don't even disclose their sampatis.. and even if they do ... they have only 10 tolas of gold, 4 annas of land and three cows and two buffaloes kyaaruh!

So Ritesh is not in for the money.. maybe he just wants to prance around and get lucky hola ni! Abuh hamro Kollywood ma pani.. we hope someday... we have Prakash Dahal, Rubel Chowdhury and Paras Dai in them movies kya!

Prakash Dahal, the current crown prince... can play the role of a 'hero' who leaves his wife for another woman and his dream job is ... computer operator for his Daddy! Rubel, the foreign crown prince, doesn't want to leave his 'heroni' because if he did then he won't be having fun in a foreign country kya and his mom-in-law would probaby fry his arse!

What about Paras Dai, well... he just appears now and then fires in the air and shouts like Al Pacino or something.... 'Sey Hyallo two my Lee-tall Fryand!' and then he fires at Rubel in the bum while Prakash Dahal and our jwai-saheb (Paras Dai ko brother in law) drink whisky and clap slap!

Overheard in KTM - 3...

Khalasi: Oye... Didi, paisa dinoo nuh!

Didi: Di-halchoo ni , ek chin.

Khalasi: Kahiley Diney, tapai ko thau aunoo-laagi sakyo!

Didi: Din-choo ke... muh jhyal batuh bhagchoo ruh?

Khalasi: Kailey Diney.. .baccha paye pachi?

Didi: Haha... pahile poila tuh januh de ani baccha paula!

Khalasi: Bus pani baccha paye pachi chadey hooncha ni!

*****************

Driver: Ye. Chitto gar, tero bau traffic cha tyeha!

Mr. Shyamoo: Yes Ko bau nai traffic rahecha... kinnuh daw-ra-ko?

Khalasi: Guruji ko Ama hola ni traffic-ni!

Driver: Talai bodi bolchas !

Khalasi: Mero bau India gaako 15 barsa bhayee sakyo!

Mr. Ramoo: Timi lai naw-bhani kinuh traffic ko jagir khayo ki!

Khalasi: Tyeso Bhaye, yo Micro lay nai kich-de hooncha tyes-lai!

********

Driver: Oye.. Bhai , ali vitra janoos naw.

Bhai: Kaha vitra janey bhaneko, gufa ho ruh yo?

Driver: Abuh gufa sufa januh lai Pokhara nai janoos.

Bhai: Yo Micro pani Pokhara nai janey ho ki kya ho?

Driver: Hoinuh, Lagankhel.

Bhai: Ani kay jpt boli raakho.

Driver: Vitra janoos kay, thau cha bhanya.

Bhai: Yo seat ma chir-naw lai tuh dieting garnoo parcha.

Driver: Ali kum khanoo parchan tuh, manchey haati jasto ani...

Happy New Year... again!

If you are a Nepali then you get to celebrate three 'new year' nataks a year kyaaruh! First, the English new year, tyes pachi the Nepali new year ani afno jaat bhat ko new year! But if you are one of them participants @ them Miss Aryan thing then sorry.... you only get two kya!

And can we please leave Tundikhel alone.... let them folks play cricket and walk around kya.... baroo let's kick our CA members out of BICC and we all can celebrate our new years' tyetai tiruh ni! So come May 28th, let us ask our netas to go back to their constituents and explain to them why he or she should get them bhatta satta while we only get bull shit kya!

I think we should get rid of the Bikram Sambat (BS)! Happy New Year 2068 rey! Hooray! At least we are 57 years ahead of them kuireys ... date sate maa.. haha! But when it comes to them other stuff, then we are probably still in the 18th century! So, if Hollywood makes another action pack movie like 2062... then we can say 'Shat up... we have been there already...' haha!

44 days to go... for our so-called CA members to extend their term again! Hooray! And our prime-monster is busy hosting them tea-party! Jhallu Baba... stop drinking tea sea... baroo show us that our drinking water is not contaminated by drinking straight from the tap ni! Go to them Tattoo convention and get a big arse tattoo baroo!

A Pakistani Embassy ko employee got shot this morning rey... lau badhai cha hai Nepal police lai feri! Is this some kind of a 'SAARC (shark attack)' week? A Nepali mantri, then an Indian businessmen and now a Pakistani... who's next? If you are a Bangladeshi then wear a bullet proof vest.. hehe!

And our great Nepal police have arrested 150 folks for sodh-pooch rey... where the @#$! do they get 150 people.. sabai bystanders hola ni! Next tyam ... there is a shoot-out, don't buy them chana-chawt-pat and hang around ... feri you might get arrested and taken to mama-ghar kya!

I think somebody should order them bullet-proof vests and helmets for our businessmen, netas and them foreign agents in Kathmandu! Yes, you could probably make billions of Rupees hola! And since we have a 'sleazy' finance minister, you don't even have to pay the VAT SAT kya... just give him a cut!

Our Finance minister received 100 million Rupees from our marwaari businesmen ... lau 10 crores so that them tax evaders could have a jolly good new year hola ni! And we still don't know them names of them VAT-chors because our government can't disclose them names shames because of them privacy laws rey!

We have a very funny goverment kya.... 50% of them bottled water-wallahs sell us contaminated water but we don't know their names... and the cement-wallahs do the same... and petrol ma kerosene misa-wot and our government doesn't care!

It's good to be them so-called business-wallah in this country... you don't need to pay them taxes, sell substandard stuff and get away with it.... this is a country of corruption, and our clowns (netas) and crooks (business-wallahs!) have all the fun!

What do we do? Well... wait for another new year to drink and be merry hola ni! Kay garne? Organize a tea-party on May 28th, drink tea and biskoot and dance and sing around BICC .... tyo bhanda badi gar-naw lai hami sangaw paisa chaina.... sabai paisa tuh Mao-buddy haroo lay ghee-chee sakyo ni!

And talking about our Mao-buddies ... they still can't decide the names of them ministers for Jhallu-baba's tea-cabinet rey! Not to worry.... they are getting ready for the final countdown so it doesn't even matter kya... 500,000 people .... storming Kathmandu ... garmi ko mausam... jhada-pakhala... lau hope Prachandoo and his gang have bought all them jeevan-jals!

We don't want our comrades to get sick ni... baroo pani chahi boil soil garey ruh piu-noo hola! Lau tuh... naya barsa B.S. ko subha-kamana sabai jana lai!