Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Will I ever be 90?

My sister has a cafe.... and I help her out sometimes.... she sells coffee soffee, cakes sakes etiyaadi! Ani aajuh... there was a private birthday party for a 90-year old gentleman! I expected a frail old man and thought I had to go down and carry him or something... taruh I was wrong! I am always wrong about everything!

The birthday boy.... man... old man.... looked like he was in his 60s... no wrinkles, no aching back.. he would have probably knocked out Manny Pacman dai (let me google that for you.. if you are not into boksing soksing!). And his hearing was perfect and he was eating them momos, pasta, cake and stuff and I thought he would be needing some soup woup etiyaadi! You know.... babies and oldies have no choice but eat them pureed food ni!

When I was 13, I wanted to die at 27 because all the cool people happen to shut down their system by that age kya. Hendrix, Joplin, Morrison... ani pachi gayeruh Cobain ani asti bhakkar hamra bahini Winehouse pani! But of course, I am not a musician.... I still don't know how to play a guitar or a sitar. I can't sing.... I sound like a Chinese from Calcutta rey.. and it's true!

I can't dance.... well, I do know a move or two thanks to Govinda but it doesn't really impress anyone! My English 102 teacher once told me.... 'A tulip doesn't strive to impress anyone...' ... khoi... she really didn't have to impress anyone because she always had her 2 liter Diet Coke and a bunch of cookies at her desk ni!

Anyways.... thanks to her ... I am still writing and following her 'Keep It Simple' formula. Actually.. I really don't know much 'gaaro' angrezi words... that's why I tell folks.. that I keep my writing simple so that a fifth-grader can read it and not go 'WTFWT'.

I used to know all them big words back then... when I was in 6th grade and had to memorize all the words from the Oxford Dictionary. Well, that was school work and you get all kinds of points ni... so that you can buy a khaja biskoot, orange balls and Wai Wai!

My Dad asked me then.... 'So what do you want to be when you grow up? .. I said 'A Philosopher' .... but then a few months ago .. I realized... I have drunk tons of 'Milo' but really do suck at all them 'Philo' guff suff!

Anyways, let's get back to the story hai! When I was 13... I thought I would be done by 27. But I am still alive and okay. And today, after watching the 90-year old great-grand-father ... I was like... myaaan... I hope I will be at least 80 kya.. and still be as fit sit as this great man!

But I know... I won't .... I should not have taken up SDG - smoking, drinking, gambling ... by the time I was 18. I have been a bad boy. And karma sarma bhanya jhai... all them stuff you have taken all them years.... will probably come to haunt you! Dr. Saheb @ Norvic advised me to quit smoking tyo pani just before the CA election!

The x-ray showed all them dots, spots or whatever.. maybe tyo plate slate nai fohor thiyo hola ni... it looked like my lungs chahi.... a big galaxy and it had like hundreds of tiny winy stars or something!

CA ayo ... gayo pani.. afuh feri vote haalney bela hooncha. Yes paali tuh aroo lai vote na-diney baroo afai ooth-noo parla... ki kaso? A friend of mine was reading a small red book ... 'Anarchism bhanya kay ho' or something like that... whoever printed that stuff... at least write your email address or something. Bekkar ma paisa kharcha garey ruh print garey pachi , yeso baarta-laap garnuh lai address pani print garnoo ni!

I really want to quit them dhuwa-sticks..... I even promised to quit back in 2006.... but she said 'Don't quit for me.... quit for yourself.... dumb ass!'... and then she told me I had like a 'one in a billion odds' of someone like me hooking up with her. I thought I still had a chance and I couldn't figure out why everyone was laughing kya.

So word of advice sad-vice chahi (as if anyone is asking hagi!)... don't ask the odds , tyo pani when you are having dinner with a dozen friends! Tyo dinner group ko sabai jana biha bhayee-sakey .... except ... of course..... the bookmaker and the bettor hola ni! But life is not a lottery ... bhancha ni!

Some people never smoke... never drink and then they have cancer sancer.. liver ko lung sung etiyaadi. But of course sabai kurna genes senes ma lekhey-ruh au-daina ni! We should all take care of ourselves and some of us might not be that lucky but .... yestai tuh ho ni!

But of course I am a wrong person to talk about 'life' and 'how to be healthy, wealthy and wise' ... since I suffer from IBS, I have like Rs 420 in my bank account and when I meet them wise folks... I just shut up and say to myself.. 'this person is really full of udus pareko (bed)sheet!'

Ek din tuh hami sabai janchau ... naach-dai khel-dai! I will quit the dhuwa-khaa-ing from Sunday onwards. It's very hard on Fridays!

I want to be at least 70 (90 pugna tuh ali gaa-rai parla!).... that means I have some time left to write a book, start a commune, grow dalley khursaani and visit my father's birthplace.... up in them hills and thank my grandfather (he died when my dad was 3).

Well, the birthday party was over..... the guests left.... stayed up late ... to help the staff clean up, called the local cab.. and dropped everyone home! Then ghar aye, khana khaye.... and as I was doing them dishes... (yes House Rules kya..... whoever eats last, cleans it all!), I still thought about the young man of 90! He will probably be 100 hola..... he is a lucky person!

God has been kind to him! I hope I will grow old someday.... and still be able to walk around like a 30 year old, eat like a 20 year old and speak softly like a 10 year old .. abuh dherai taluh tira pani najau hai! Anyways.. hope one day I will be able to speak gently like a saint .. and not like a savage .. lastuh maa bhan-naw khojya tyehi tuh hola ni!

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