Monsoon Madness

If you really want to make some quick money then you should supply black flags to our opposition wallahs. They really don’t seem to have any plans to evict Dr Saheb from Baluwatar except for the same old natak of waving black flags and shouting them haawa-taari slogans. I think they should come up with some new nataks.

How about buying up space on them hoarding boards around the Valley? You can plaster them with pictures of Hisila didi stealing some achaar from Dr Saheb’s plate. Slogan chahi…Babu, aren’t you tired of eating the ‘rubber’ food at Baluwatar?

The opposition wallahs can then sponsor Dr Saheb’s ‘Visit a Village’ tour package all year round ni. Our Eh-Maleys and Congressis want to get their hands on some free cash. After all, they too need some dough for the coming elections. Our karyakartas can change their alliance faster than Lady Gaga changes her wardrobe. It’s all about the money kya.

It’s about time our political parties decided to hire them advertising agencies to come up with quirky publicity stunts.Dr Saheb doesn’t need one because he has a creative mind. I think if he gets tired of politics then he should move to advertising. He will be winning them ‘Crity Awards’ every year.

Our opposition wallahs accuse Dr Saheb of throwing them childish tantrums. I think Bhusan Dai should come up with a show on Kantipur…the Nepali version of Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? and invite our politicians. How about inviting all our former Prime-Monsters? I think Dr Saheb will win hands down. He’s always reading stuff while other netas are busy gossiping over drinks and mutton curry at the Emperor’s palace!

Baidya uncle and his crew are busy these days. His cadres are even busier now because they have to raise some cash to meet the party’s expenses. Our byaparis are now looking for someone to mediate and negotiate them prices rey. Maybe they should hire some of our young folks who have master’s degrees in mediation and conflict resolution!

Sharat Dai has also opened a new party. While them Madhesi parties are acting like wild capitalists when it comes to looting the state coffer, we now have a National Madhes Socialist Party that will probably introduce socialised health care someday hola. Or maybe they will just socialise with each other and get free medical treatments abroad like the rest of the clowns.

I have no idea why our Janjaati netas from the ‘budo’ parties have not left to open their own exclusive club. I am not a political analyst but everybody at the local chiya pasal is certain that we will always have a coalition government from now onwards. The ‘small’ fishes will get to share the loot while the sharks will spend their tyam making sure they still have enough votes to stay in power kya. So break away and enjoy the piece of the pie ni.

Scott Dai has left the building. Peter W Bodde, the new US Ambassador will soon be in town to try some sekuwa. I hope he will update his Facebook status and tweet all day long and then he will probably have more FB friends than his predecessor. Peter Dai looks like someone you want on your side when there is a bar fight kya. The man was in Iraq. He must be hard-core hola. Now, all he needs to do is wear a cowboy hat when he does the usual ‘meet the clowns’ natak as them kuirey ambassadors do ni.

I don’t know what kind of conversation them bideshi ambassadors have with our freeloaders. Do they talk about the weather? Yes, it’s monsoon and as usual, we will have landslides, floods and what not and our government will do what they do best and that is nothing kya.

Ours is probably the only country where them ambassadors and blue-plate wallahs can just show up at the Prime Minister’s residence and try them ‘rubber’ snacks and doodh chiya. Our so-called top leaders are always eager to practice their Angrezi with them bideshis.

Our netas may act as if they hate India but they do love to share some bhelpuri with the Desi Ambassador and converse in broken Hindi. If our netas really cared for this nation then they should only speak ‘Nepali’ or their ethnic dialect with the bidhesis. And the foreigners have all the funds kyaaruh… they can very well hire their own translators ni. Peter Dai is fluent in Nepali rey. Then our netas should speak to him in Sanskrit hola ni. After all, most of them are members of the priestly class.

Well, the monsoon is here. Dr Saheb wants to build bigger roads. Somebody should tell him that we do need them drains pani! Or he can give us all free gumboots and tubes for boating…now that would be nice!

When's your turn?

Wedding season is here again... didn't know folks got married yeti bela... yesto garmi ma! This week's been hectic.... attended like 7 wedding parties in three days kyaaruh! It's pretty much the same food and drinks and before you know it the bar is closed and you have to spend the rest of the evening drinking Cola!

Hijo chahi... I went to duita biha ko party sarty haroo! The first one was at Yak & Yeti. Them five-star hotels suck because them wait staff and the rest of the crew are all members of our krantikari union kyaaruh! They act like somebody is forcing them to walk around carrying them tray stray of snacks here and there!

I asked for some paani... and the bar captain told me to walk outside the ball room ... 'tyeta baahiruh ho water station... tyehi gaw-ye-ruh linoos'... so I walked to the so-called water station, filled 4-5 glasses of water and asked the waiter for a tray and headed to my table.

The waiter bhai was pissed... 'Tapai lay yesto gaw-ryo bhaney tuh hamro supervisor lay gaali garcha ni'. I told him not to worry... 'Muh pani union ma choo bhan-deu hai..' if the guy is too lazy to serve water then I better do it myself ni hoinuh ruh! I think I will just go apply for a banquet staff ko job @ them so-called five-star hotels tomorrow!

Yak & Yeti ko so-called ball room ma only fan san... ani.. ek damai garmi pani... spent the next half and hour fighting for the fan. The other table wanted the waiter bhai to turn the fan towards them. But, we had the first right of refusal... hehe... as if we were planning to buy the fan nai! Hami pahila aaa-ko , pankha pani haami tiruh nai thiyo ni!

Finally, the other table gave up and the groom's brother-in-law managed to get another fan for them. Thank God.... or else table 'A' and 'B' were ready to get into some kind of a wrestling match nai.

My didi's friend, visiting from the Amrikas asked me... 'why is everyone around that guy?'. I looked over and saw our great 'ghoos-khori' bhoot-purba mantri, Govinda Raj Joshi. This guy's court case ko hearing is coming up next month kyaaruh. I hope the Supreme Court will at least send him to jail for a year or two. The CIAA folks (that's the Commission for Investigation of Abuse of Authority hai) have accused Joshi of making like 393 million Rupees!

I think it's more like 3.9 billion Rupees hola. The guy was a school teacher in Tanhaun district.... and he had only one gaagri, two kachaura and one thaal rey. Then he became our Education Minister and made like 10 crores by selling them MBBS seats.

He also was our Home Minister a couple of times. And when you are the 'homie', you make money by transferring and promoting them cops. Katti khayo hola hagi! The guy was a mantri seven times... and he is one of the most ghoos-khori neta ever! He must have made a killing hagi! But no worries... abuh afno cousin ko gau ko manchey rahecha... bhoj khan-aw ayo. My sister was mad at me because... I said it aloud.... 'Ye... ghoo-khori po rahecha' ..

But he looked happy. After all he gets a free SUV and security from the government (all former Home Ministers do!) and everybody was namaskaaring him. Yestai ho... yo desh ma, ramro manchey ko izzat chaina.... sabai chor fatah haroo nai hero!

Yak & Yeti ko khaana is okay... not as oily and jpt as them party palaces but who the @#$! wants to have pasta when there is daal bhaat and khasi ko masoo? The chef dai with his big bhudi (yes, all them hotel ka chef haroo ko pet nai thulo!) was standing there. Ani mahiley pani guff diye 'Dai.. khana mitho cha... tuh-raw sabai Desi-style... baroo Thakali Khana rakhey kasto hola' . He just stared at me.... maybe he was thinking 'Yo sangaw boley ki polcha hola baroo mai choop bas-choo!' hehe!

Since it was my nate-daar's wedding..... I got to meet nearly everyone from my mother's side ... and it's the same question every tyam. "Ani Timro Palo kahiley ni?' ... 'Hami tuh timro biha hare-nai naw-pai marney bhayo' ... that would be the grannies! 

And then you meet the usual 'deal makers' ..... by the time I got out and headed for the next party, I was asked to go out on a date with four different women.... and all of them have multiple advanced degrees, dui jana ko tuh Phd pani! Women are smarter than men kya... tyo tuh sabai lai tha-ha bhaa kai kura ho!

I should get married by this Mangsir or else I will be like Krishna Prasad Bhattarai rey. Lau jaa.. kaha batuh KP dai lai saw-raapey ko holan mero auntie haroo lay!

It was already 9 by the time I got to my friend's wedding party at this party palace. My first grade dehki ko saathi ... happy for him! Usko bau mero bau ko saathi.... dherai piu-nuh ruh jpt gar-naw pani miley-nuh hehe! The food was not that good... but I had already eaten so malai tuh khaas farak parey-nuh!

The 'Gurung' wedding parties are fun. Them old folks have skills... yo! All them grannies, uncles and aunts are dancing and having fun.... singing them folks songs! The barman is pissed because the host has even booked the local liquor store...hehe! So, now he can't say... 'sabai drinks khattam... coke piu-noos!'.

And you really don't need them so-called fokatey ko DJs and their 'Desi girl' remix versions at them 'Gurung' Weddings. The old women start singing and everybody is clapping and showing their dance moves.... ramailo bhayo!

I met my high school friends ... all of them are married! And every time we meet.. it's the same die-log .. 'You are lucky... you are not married!'.

The 'Married Men' club members all shut up when their wives come to our table. And then when they leave to dance or eat or hang out with others, it's the same 'God.. I should not have married' natak! But I think they are okay..... yetti-kai rack sack garya holan!

I don't know... I want to get married someday. It doesn't matter if she has them PhDs or no degree at all. Afno nidhaar ma kay lekhya cha kay tha-ha! Who knows... I might marry a Single Mom hola. I already do them dishes at home... I will be happy being a 'house-man' kya!

My Dad tells me.... 'At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if your wife is beautiful or she has 3 degrees from two Ivy League universities... you need to be there for each other and love each other till ... Steven Seagal makes another movie!' ... Okay, I added that Steven Seagal part.. hehe!

Anyways... I am really happy for N bahini, B bro, S bro, D bro, sister A and the two other newly-weds (naam birsey ... sorry hai... because I had to go to them parties .... to represent my khaan-daan ... hehe!)... anyways, congratulations and hope you all will live to be 100 and then go skydiving buda budi nai!

Where Have All The Dons Gone?

Our competent cops decided to carry out them raids on them houses of 64 dons in the valley rey. The police wallahs from Hanumandhoka were pissed when their superiors told them to start running around Kathmandu at 4 am in the morning... tyo pani Saanibaar bihanuh! If they had at least received the memo a day earlier then they wouldn't have spent Friday night drinking ni!

Poor police wallahs... they failed to nab any of them dons... I guess our dons received them 'missed calls' from the hawaldars at Hanumandhoka hola ni! Our cops have graded them criminals rey. I guess it's like them Shree Tin days... when they had the 'A', 'B' , 'C' and even 'D' classes!

We have dons like Deepak Manange dai, Milan Chakre, Baghe, Ghaite, Chari , Sipahi ..... etiyaadi! Chakre dai is in Central Jail.... but I hear they did ransack his brother's house but found only mula ko achar and gundruk rey! 

The only so-called Don saheb who wasn't troubled by our cops chahi... hamro Ganesh Lama dai from Kavre. Lama started out working at them front desk of a hotel in Thamel. While other Kavrelis had muscles, he had a little bit more dimag pani. They boys from Kavre started out as bouncers at them clubs run by Deepak dai. They then started their own loansharking racket and got into them 'dance bar' business. Tyes pachi tuh mala-maal!

Why was every other don targeted except our Ganesh dai? Well, he happens to be a close friend of our Home Minister, Bijay Kumar Guccha-dar! The boy from Kavre is also a central committee member of Guccha-dar's Madhesi party. He now owns an 'A' class construction company, financial institutions and what not! Tyo Koteshwor-Bhaktapur ko bato sabai Ganesh dai lay payeko ho .. sabai thekka-patta ko kaam!

And Ganesh dai doesn't stay at home .... he just hangs out at the Home Ministry rey. I feel sorry for our cops ....sometimes! Them most wanted criminals are walking around freely, hanging out with the Home Minister and our cops have no choice but to shut up and put up with it kya. If Ramesh Kharel had his way then he would probably give a flank kick to Guccha-dar and throw the guy in jail!

Our Home Minister has transferred them cops who act tough against them gundas and he promotes his own chamchas or whoever can pay him Rs 50 lakhs. Yes, if you are an SSP then you will have to pay our Homie... 50 laaakhs... if you want to be a DIG! The going rate for 'IGP' ko laagi is like 6-7 crores kyaaruh.

Our current IGP got lucky. He didn't have to pay a penny because the previous IGP was out the door due to them Sudan scam! But the next guy will have to get some cash or else he will have to go home! Yestai cha yeha ko chalan!

Baburam dai must be enjoying them beaches in Brazil. He should also meet Pele hola.... but our PM looks like he's more into chess. What is Hisila didi doing there? She must be enjoying them Caipirinhas ... hehe! Anyways, Baburam met the Aussie PM-ni and she has promised to throw us a couple of  Aussie dollars rey. Yes... good... kasta neta haroo... bhig mageruh pani danga parney!

Anyways, our dons were all out of the valley when our cops raided them homes! Our cops know where our gundas hang out.... because if they didn't then how the hell would they collect them hafta ni?

Our dons extort money from them byaparis. Our cops collect haftas from them dons and our netas get chiya kharcha and more from them cops whenever they need a promotion or saruwa to them ghoos khaa-naw pauney thau sau... hehe.... Yestai ho... Cycle of Corruption bhanya! Kay garney.... naya Nepal ma... we have to be more scared of them cops than chors!

You are not a communist if you don’t break up!

Dr. Saheb is having fun in Brazil. I hope he meets the former President Lula and learns a thing or two about ‘pragmatic capitalism’ instead of coming up with new nataks every month. Our opposition wallahs were not happy and decided to wave black flags and do some daang-doong. We have to give it up for our policewallahs. They sure do know how to protect our VIPs. Maybe for a change, they should also try protecting the common citizens once in a while.

I think our foreign ministry wallahs must have thought that they had to send twenty plus folks to Brazil. After all it’s the Rio+20 summit ni. The ‘Samba’ wallahs sent the invitation to our President but our PM goes to Brazil in his place instead. I guess Dr. Saheb must have really wanted to see where all those KFC chickens came from.

Dr. Saheb managed to get to the airport without any bumps. But our angry black-flaggers managed to throw a stone or two at the German Ambassador ko gaadi. Now, the Germans are pissed and our sarkari hakims have been busy apologizing. And the bideshis want us to pay for the damages to their vehicle rey. Yes, kuireys can really be petty sometimes. I think the German Embassy should hand free football t-shirts instead and organize a beer festival so that we can all cheer for Germany in Euro 2012 kya.

Next time, if our protesters really want to stop the PM from flying to foreign lands then they should come up with some new tricks. Stone hurling and shouting slogans are old school. How about just taking a nap on the road?. Just make sure you bring twice the crowd than the police wallahs deployed for them security. By the time, they carry all the protestors off the road, our VIPs would have missed their flights ni.

But of course, our netas can always use the army’s chopper. And our government officials and even foreign diplomats have too much time on their hands hola. Every time, our VIPs leave the country, nearly all them thulo mancheys are at the airport to shake hands and stuff. Next time, whoever is the PM, please organize a tea party at Baluwatar and grab a taxi to the airport like the rest of us.

Finally, Baidya dai has decided to break up with his protégé. But we don’t know if it’s just another natak or they really want to go all in and complete the so-called revolution. Nobody is going to the jungle now. After all, our comrades are now used to free rides and it’s more fun in the sun. Our communists are a funny lot. They really seem to have inflated egos hagi. They break up over petty things. Comrades don’t like each other because the other guy has a tiny head and big eye sockets or maybe it’s the body odor.

Matrika Dai has his own Maoist party although he seems to be the only member and now Baidya dai will be the chairman of another Maoist party. Our byaparis are already worried hola. The new ‘original’ Maoist party plan to hold their convention in February. And our fake VAT bill wallahs will have to foot the bill.

Dr. Muni, the so-called Desi guru and Godfather to our comrades think Baidya and his crew will disappear soon if they continue to talk about revolution and stuff. Baidya dai may not have the muscles or the money like our Emperor but he still has guts. He thinks he can take on India alone but somebody needs to remind him that Rambo is a fictional character and only Sunny Deol has managed to cross the border and kick the other guys’ arses. But that was for his lady love.

Baidya is still pissed at our Emperor because the Desis arrested him in Silguri while he was still wearing an eye patch. The Desis must have really cooked some mean Biryani. Our netas really did get along and signed the comprehensive peace stuff while the hard-core comrades were in Desi jails.

Most of them tuakeys of Maoist sister organizations have also sided with Baidya. Not everyone is living the good life ni. While the Emperor and his chamchas are minting billions, the rest of the crew are left with chump change. No wonder they are pissed.

The ‘originals’ want to start a new army, a parallel government… it’s like going back to the past. Now, they have to print new letter pads, stamps and t-shirts. They need to start looking for a new office space as well. I think it would have been much easier if they had just asked for half of what the Emperor owns. Even Matrika dai should get at least two rooms at the Paris Danda HQ kya.

RIP Dalley Sarkar!

Sharad Chandra Shah is dead. He was once considered to be the member of the 'Bhumigot Giroh'... and was accused of making some moolah by engaging in all them illegal activities. Sharad dai was a hard-core panchey ... and all them martial arts athletes haroo chahi were used as them mundrey gundas during the Panchayti elections and what not!

But we should thank Sharad dai for building them stadiums around the country because we are still using them even though half of them are now used for gai-bhaisiz kyaaruh! He didn't have to deal with 26 other political parties, all asking for some 'cut' when he was heading the National Sports Council. He was also the President of Nepal Olympic Committee kyaaruh. Today, all them sports bodies ma politics and sabai lai chiya kharcha dinoo parney!

Then we had the so-called 'Democracy' days. The Congressis acted like hungry and angry kids at the candy store and decided to recruit their own cadres in them sports bodies kyaaruh. Well, it was everywhere... look at Nepal Airlines today or Khanepaani or NOC..... our Congressis did manage to loot them all hagi!

When 'Democracy' came, the Congressis even looted Sharad dai's house pani. They didn't find any soon ko dalla or a tankie full of hashish as they had expected. Only family photo albums and looga fataa but Sharad dai moved to Singapore kyaaruh.

He may have been a chaturey but we have to thank him for all them stuff he had done for Nepali sports hai. We even won like 8 bronze medals during the 10th Asian Games in South Korea back in 1986. Tyes pachi tuh, our so-called sports officials decided to use them funds for themselves and their families while our athletes got nothing but dui cup channa and euta anda for their trainings kyaaruh!

I met Sharad dai when I was a student in Singapore. Tyeti bela, Zouk was just starting... was the place to be after 6pm and everybody was popping pills. Khoi kay bhancha tyo X-tuh-see etiyaadi hehe! No, I did not meet Sharad dai in some clubs. I was at a hotel where they were featuring 'Nepali food' .. so I decide to eat some Daal Bhaat ... Orchard Road ko kun chai hotel ma ho!

My friends were like ... 'that dalley is Sharad Chandra Shah' .. he didn't look intimidating .... our Nepali press had written stories about him and we thought he looked like some gangster or something! Here was this man, barely five foot tall dancing with his mistress.... who was like 5'8 hola! She was hawt.... and she happened to be his secretary when he was the President of Nepal Olympic Committee rey!

So when he decided to move to Singapore, he brought along his mistress pani. Anyways, Sharad Chandra Shah did not live like a cousin of Sultan of Brunei. Nepali media wallah had written stories about how he took like millions of dollars with him when he ran away to Singapore. He lived in a two bedroom apartment ani pachi he shifted to a one-bedroom condominium kyaaruh.

He went around town giving them talk salk... about Nepal and South East Asia kyaaruh... that's how he survived in Singapore. Some of my friends called him 'Dalley' ... some of my chaap-loosi friends called him .. 'Sarkar' ... ani after a while, he was known as 'Dalley Sarkar' ...although nobody said that to him in his face ni!

After Gyanu Uncle decided to be a Nepali 'Napoleon' ....Sharad dai came back and tried his best to make 'G' man more user-friendly hola .... hehe! He wasn't successful but he tried his best. I still think Gyanu Uncle would have stayed at Narayanhiti if he had decided to take only Re 1 as chiya kharcha from the state treasury and followed a page or two from the Thai monarchy ko playbook. Or even did a cut&paste thing from the UK monarchy kya.

But of course Gyanu uncle decided to surround himself with hard-core pancheys and mandaleys. I mean..... Jagat Gauchan dai lai pani mantri bana-yo... haha! I think Jagat dai should have stayed back in Japan and walked around with the Yakuzas instead of coming back kya.

But everybody wants to come back ni. Some of us come back because we think we can do something for our desh sesh.... but if you are politically connected then you come back so that you can get some free money and live like Kings or Queens... ask Sujata didi.... she came back from Germany and made billions! If she was still in Germany then she would still be eating only sauerkraut and drinking German beer hola ni!

Anyways, I found Sharad Dai.... down to earth ... and he liked to drink and dance and he looked like Danny Devito heheh..... but ek din sabai lai jaanooo cha. RIP Dalley Sarkar.... thanks for the stadiums and doing your part for Nepali sports.... and thanks for using them martial arts khiladis for them daang doong. Sabai lai chiya kharcha cha-hincha ni! Even today, many Karate, Judo, Tie-Condo players still moonlight as bouncers, bodyguards and also as gundas during them elections kya!

Baburam goes to Brazil

The so-called opposition parties had threatened to stop our Dr. Saheb from going to Brazil. Well, they did manage to wave ek duita black flags here and there and our police wallahs had some good time by beating up the protesters. I think sometimes even our police wallahs get confused hola.

During the 'Panchey' days, they were busy beating up the Congressis and Eh-Maleys! During the so-called 'Hawaldaar' days, they were busy beating up Mao-baadis. And now... 'Mao&Madhesi' partnership ma... it's the Congressis and Eh-Maleys ka so-called students who are getting their arses kicked hagi!

Our police wallahs do not how to speak like civilized human beings. They act like they spent their school days learning only swear words and filthy gaalis! And they have been used by our so-called 'netas' to beat the other guys ni.

Anyways, Baburam and Hisila didi have left Nepal. Our opposition parties are mad but I guess they really can't do much because if they were in power then they would have taken their whole village to Rio De Janeiro ni. At least we have to thank Babu and Hisila didi for not taking Manushi to the land of the 'Samba' kya.

Ani Rio+20 summit bhanya chan tuh... abuh hamra sarkari hakim haroo lay Baburam and +20 bhan-thaney holan ni.

If our great Emperor was still our 'Prime Monster' then he would have taken his wife (okay!) and his son aka computer operator (not okay!). Our crown prince did manage to climb Everest. We don't know how he did it... maybe one of our Sherpa brothers carried him all the way to the top hola.

So maybe, Baburam should have taken Prakash Dahal with him... not as another 'facebook status' updater but as someone who has been to the top of the world and has seen tons of garbage left by the kuirey climbers!

Or maybe the crown prince was drunk when he finally planted that 'Mao' flag on Everest hola ni. So... he should just stick to his business deals with Gyanu uncle's son-in-law. They have already taken over half of them casinos in the valley. Mao+Monarchy = Mo' Anarchy... hola ni!

Anyways, let's get back to the story hai. Baburam and Hisila didi will be having some fun @ Rio.... I hope both of them did take some time off for some 'Brazilian Wax' before they left.

Yeee... not a good joke but you know them Brazilians. Beach Seach ma gaye pachi tuh .... if you are not waxing then Baburam will look like Borat hola ni.... with his 'one-piece' suspender thong... hehe!

Dr. Saheb will be meeting them netas from Europe, Amrika, Chinida etiyaadi.... I think he should just ignore them clowns and hang out with Lula and Dilma kya! Lula used to be the Prezzie once and he is planning to run again rey. Dilma is the current Prezzi-ni and she is hawt!

If Baburam puts on a little bit more weight (okay, a lot more.. like double souble nai) and then grows a beard then he will look exactly like Lula. What about Hisila didi? Well, she too will need to put on some weight and get some of them 'Brazilian' curves and dye her hair ali ali rato sato hola!

Lula never went to college, only passed 'chaar class'. He was a trade union guy.... a lefty ... and a hard-core Marxist. Tyeti bela ko military lay uslai pitnoo pityo kyaaruh. Dilma ko kahani pani ustai ... well, she came from a middle-class family, went to school etiyaadi ... but dubai jana hard-core communist nai thiye! They were both tortured in prison rey.

They were the real 'revolutionaries' tyeti bela and not like our so-called Maobadi netas who spent their tyam eating roti and tandoori chicken in Delhi ni! Pasang dai is a revolutionary... Puspha Kamal is a pimp!

But when our Brazilian Krantikaaris came to power .... they just kept their 'communist' credentials inside their drawers. So Baburam and Hisila didi must meet Lula and Dilma and learn from them.... and take a few notes about 'pragmatic capitalism' kya.

Yes, you can be a communist at heart but when it comes to running the show, please throw away your stupid 'Mao' notebooks. Use your head or ask someone baroo... do what's right for the country, foreign investment hooncha ki, nuclear reactor bana-ye ruh hooncha ki .. hehe!

Hami ahiley garib nai chau... pachi dhani bhaye pachi aroo nai kura garoom laa.. but now we need 'jobs', bato ghato, batti satti ani paani. Tyeti tuh ho ni... aankha futeka neta haroo ho!

Our netas are full of BS. Baidya is all set to announce a new party rey. Good for him! After all, our communists are only good at breaking up ni. Yes, if they can't be the 'Boss' then they take some of their chamchas and open a new party. I think some should tell Baidya that there is only one 'Boss' and he is Bruce Springsteen kya!

I think we already have like two dozen communist parties in Nepal. I used to be a big fan of 'Trotsky' in college... yes ... tyeti bela! How come there ain't a Nepal Communist Party (Trotsky) hagi?

Why are our communists in love with them jackasses like Mao, Stalin and Lenin? Marx is okay .. because he was broke and was ranting against his rich friends but the three stooges tuh atti nai bhayo ni! Baroo Castro kai nakkal garey pani.. we would still be broke today but we would have a pretty decent healthcare system hola... hehe! And we would be playing baseball and smoking cigars hola ni!

Jay bhaye pani... hope Baburam and Hisila will have fun in Brazil. And so will our foreign minister Narayan Kaji dai.... poor fella used to walk around the city wearing chyatt-eko shirt in the 90s... now he is our foreign minister! Better get some good shirts hai! And biha pani garnoo paryo sir.. stop hanging out with your so-called secretary kya. Baroo marry her nai!

He used to be one of them 'Masaleys' then they decided to merge with our Mao Inc. and he is expected to be the next chairman someday. What about Baburam? He will probably retire and open a school in Gorkha while Hisila didi will be the Empress of Newa Rajya hola... hehe!

Malai pani tha-ha bhaye nuh mailey aajuh kay lekhey bhaneruh.. hehe... rant sant over-dose! Lau abuh ghar ma gayeruh bhaat daal khaam!

Passing through the 'Iron Gate'

The SLC results are out and more than half of our students failed to get past the Iron Gate. The parents who were not allowed to pass the notes to their children are now cursing the police wallahs hola. I think it’s time to scrap the SLC and just go on with the 10+2 thing. Let us not create pressure on our ‘ten class’ wallahs anymore.

Dr. Saheb is the most famous ‘board first’ wallah and it would be fitting if he gave out some prizes for our SLC toppers this year. I think someone should do a TV show on the ‘board first’ wallahs, more like a ‘where are they now?’ segment. The first episode would be easy because we already have Dr. Saheb in town and he seems to be doing well.

Everyone is playing the blame game over the poor SLC results. Our government spends billions of Rupees every year to provide some kind of education to students across the country. Well, most of our public school teachers get their paychecks without showing up but that doesn’t mean they should be made the scapegoats. After all, most of them are party cadres and if they were allowed to teach only politics, mostly on how to shout slogans and hurl stones then all our students would have passed with distinction.

In the days of our grandfathers, a ‘matric’ pass was like having a ‘PhDs’. Tyeti bela tuh you could get a decent job or any job available and everyone in your neighborhood would think of you like them philosophy students think of Plato and Aristotle. And when people were sick, they would show up at your door as if you had been to medical school as well.

Nowadays, even with your ‘masters’ degree, it’s hard to find a decent job. And nobody really cares about your degree and people don’t show up at your door because they think you are too qualified for anything.

We should stop calling SLC … the ‘iron gate’ because even if you managed to pass through it, you still have a long way to go. And it’s not like you are leaving school for good. Most of the schools in the valley have their own 10+2 classes, so you are more likely to come back to the same school but you can’t be the school captain again.

Dr. Saheb managed to come first without much resources. Well, he didn’t have to deal with our government school teachers who are always bunking more classes than the students. But if it weren’t for Miss Elkins, a devout Christian missionary and the folks from Kerala, then Dr. Saheb would have been happy just being a government school teacher today. But he wouldn’t be bunking classes and he would have returned his paycheck if he did.

Dr. Saheb misses Miss Elkins even today because she was responsible for the quality education and discipline at Amar Jyoti High School. Maybe, Dr. Saheb can save us billions if we can get them missionaries to open hundreds of schools across the country?

The tuition will be cheap, the government won’t have to waste billions and our students will one day turn out to be like Dr. Saheb but hope they will smile more. If that happens then our ‘Holy Cow’ crowd will accuse the kuireys for trying to convert anything that moves. Baburam has not converted. Well, he is an atheist so please don’t expect him to cough off some dough if you organize a maha-yagya or something.

I think the only folks who are worried about all them conversion stuff are those who are scared that they will no longer have folks to step on and feel good about it. We should all have the right to choose the faith we believe in. If the ‘they are here to convert’ conspiracy theory was true then all the lads and ladies who went to St. Xavier’s and St. Mary’s would have become padres and nuns by now. Okay, we might have gotten a ‘Nepali’ Pope someday!

By the time Dr. Saheb is done with his home stay program in Baluwatar, he will probably have had many ‘firsts’ to his name. The first and probably the last PM to ride in a Mustang! The only politician who visits his home district once a month, rain or shine! The only CA member to return his travel allowance back to the state treasury!

And now, he has begun a ‘one night a month in a remote village’ natak. It’s really great but his comrades will choose the venue and make necessary arrangements rey. That doesn’t sound right. I hope they won’t be forcing the villagers to make a good curry like in the old days. Thank God, the Emperor has no plans to go back to the villages or else they would need to stock up on bideshi whiskeys and khasis ni.

The Mao Pow Wow

It's once again time for the 'Mao Pow Wow' and our great comrades can hang out together at the Khula Manch! The so-called top guns will be seating on them sofas and will get free bottled water while the rest of the followers will be ghaam-taaping and will suffer from laryngitis by the end of the day.

It's tyam to sing, dance and socialize hola ni! The Mao Inc. has two factions. The so-called establishment faction aka 'Moneybags' is led by our great chairman, Prachandu. He controls the funds and the rest of the angry rivals are left with chump change.

Prachandu dreams of turning Nepal into Xanadu hola! Singapore ruh Switzerland tuh hoonay wala chaina kyaaruh. Mohan Baidya aka 'Rambo' (without the muscles or them guns!) dreams of going all out and fighting the great enemy #1, India. I think Baidya must have been inspired by Sunny Deol's feelim... tyo janawana ko where Deol goes all the way to Pakistan and kicks all them arses and comes back with his lady love!

Baidya dai is not going to attack India to bring back Vidya Balan... he is just pissed that the Desis threw him in jail while he was still wearing an eye patch after his eye surgery in Silguri. And our CP Gajurel dai was arrested in South India while he was trying to fly to England (he wanted have tea with the Queen hola!). Somebody forgot to tell him that just because you super glue your photo on aroo ko passsport does not make it legit kya!

Anyways, we all know the story. Baidya and Gajurel... the two hard-core 'Revolutionary' wallahs were arrested by RAW agents and then our Maobadis and Khaa-o-badis signed them peace agreement. The hard-core faction really wants to fight it out and capture state powers rey. And the establishment faction wants to be the Khiladi ka Khiladi or Nepali ma bhanda.. Khaa-o-baadi ko pani Khaa-o-baadi!

But Prachandu uncle has to satisfy his foreign handlers ni. After all, if it weren't for them Desis and the RAW crew, he would still be eating chapatis and lassi in New Delhi rather than drinking blue label and munching on mutton sekuwa in his palace in Lazimpat!

Well, our hard-core wallahs plan to announce a new party tomorrow rey. I think Baidya is just trying to scare our Emperor. Yeso 10-20 crores diye hoonthyo ni radicals haroo lai. Sabai khoos ni hoinuh ruh?

And the establishment faction plans to bring in 100,000 folks from around the country for their so-called 'grand mass gathering' tomorrow. The sister organizations have all been ordered to bring in their union wallahs. So expect all them trade union wallahs to carry them flags and banners and sing songs tomorrow. One day, when all businesses shut down then what will our union wallahs do? Sing more songs hola ni and ask Prachandu for chiya kharcha?

The Maoists tell us that they are organizing the mass gathering to show their strength and protest against the budo parties. When they were in the jungle, they had to rob, steal, kill ... all in the name of revolution.... but they never paid the bills. Now, they are running the show and they still don't pay the bills kya. Tomorrow's pow wow ko kharcha kehi naw-bhaye pani..... 5 corore laagcha rey.

But not to worry.. our Mao comrades are used to free rides, free lunch and all them freebies. The transport wallahs will have to pitch in and the union wallahs have already collected some dough from our fake-VAT bill wallahs by now. 

Life is good for Prachandu and family. For the rest of us, it's just too hot and we would be happy if the government offers 'free ice-cream' for the summer. Or maybe a gola (tyo desi ice ko dalla!) or smoothies... khoi hamro government ko buddhi kahiley auney ho. Tax rebate dinuh naw-sakey pani ek plate vyar vyar momo bhaye pani deu naw!

And our emperor, Great Prachandu will give his 'oscar winning' speech @ Khula Mach. If there was a category for the great 'hawatari speech' during the Academy Awards then Prachandu Sarkar would win it every time... under the 'Foreign' category hola.

Prachandu will go on a rant. He will scold, curse and make fun of all them opposition parties. A week ago, he attended one of them 'ethnic' programs organized by the Tamang community. He was like 'Tini Haroo ko Bau ko ho ruh you desh....' ... I think it's about time we all ask our great magician... 'Timro Bau ko Sampati ho ruh yo desh?'.

Why do people give up?

I have been visiting hospitals, Patan, Himal, Star ..... by the time I am done, I will probably know all the nurses at them ICUs hola. Most of them are busy guffa-maaring and texting. It really pisses me off but that's how we do it here in Nepal hola!

A lover-boy stabbed himself ... pet maa.... because he had a fight with his girlfriend. Now, his relatives want to send her to jail for inspiring Romeo to kill himself rey. I told them... 'Maybe Romeo needs to visit a Shrink and get some therapy baroo'! Yes, he was depressed and he liked to cut himself now and then rey. Abuh counseling garney, psychiatrist ka janoo parcha ni. Arka ko chori lai gaali garey ruh hooncha ruh? 

I seriously need to stop speaking without thinking hola. When I was young, it was a good thing.... them folks liked me because I was the only guy who would say something really stupid and mean it.. whereas the rest of them so-called yuppies only quoted them graduate school ko notes! But now, I am getting old and people think I am crazy. I think I will just be a monk. Then they will call me 'Ye.. that old crazy monk'!

Saathi ko Uncle committed suicide yesterday. Went to Pashupati ..... I stopped going to them temples and puja stuff after I read Laxmi Dai ko poem 'Kun Mandir ma Janchau Yatri' when I was like 11 kyaaruh.... I have been to Pashupati like 8 times this year, tyo pani sabai cremation ko laagi matruh. Our chimkeis don't get along at all but weddings and funerals ma chahi...we have them 'mandatory' attendance rule for tole-baasis kyaaruh!

Let's get back to the 'suicide' story..... 'Mero Uncle ..... very ambitious man.... suicide note ma pani aroo lay badi paisa kama-yo bhaneruh lekh-cha  bahula ley!'..... my friend was pissed at his (late) uncle. The man is dead. He is burning but everybody is cursing him. He leaves behind two kids and a wife and a few mistresses as well. Uncleji was a byapari but he was not happy rey. He was always comparing himself with his friends who had better gaadis, badi paisa and dherai jagga sagga in the valley.

Ghanta ko compare.... euta sano ghar, dui-tin chaak khanuh paye pugi halyo ni. Just because you drive a 1 crore ko gaadi doesn't mean you are better than the rest of us.... 10 karod hos ki 100 rupaiya... lastuh ma raati ghar ma daal-bhat nai khaney ho hami sabai lay! Well some people like roti or crackers but harek din caviar khaney tuh koi chaina hola ni?

Soon ko khaat ma sootay pani, paraal ma sootay pani... nindra ko pani class hooncha ruh? I was once at this joint and arko table ma Paris Hilton ko Nepali cousins haroo ko guff chal-dai thiyo....  who gives a rat's arse about your LV bag or Gucci or your vacation in Paris? If you can afford it then good for you but stop acting like you are embarrassed to live here ni. 

Ye... got carried away rahecha... anyways.... yes, we all need some dough .... because at the end of the day, we need to pay them bills kyaaruh. But why do you want to compete with your friends? Saathi bhanya saathi nai ho. Garib hos ya Dhani.. Juddha Shusmsher ko nati ko nati hos ya kun chai gau ko damai ko choro. 

Kamal dai talks about 'Hindu' rastra.... but I don't want it. I don't even want Nepali as our national language or cow sow as our national animal. I think we should just watch Avatar and start speaking Na'vi ki kaso. Ani rastra janawar chai.. dog nai hoonoo parcha kya! And if you adopt a stray dog then you get one free cooking gas cylinder per month kya!

I think we should just get rid of all them caste saste..... and go with numbers hagi. Yes, Facebook ma... we see them 'Nepal' or 'Nepali' as last name etiyaadi. Abuh Madhav Nepal lay chahi kay garney ni ... he would be Madhav Nepal Square hola ni..... Yes, we are all Nepali now. We were Nepalese a decade ago. And by 2020, we will be khoi.... I don't know.... desh pani hooncha ki hoodai-nuh?

Abuh numbers game soo-roo garyo bhaney chai... it would be fun to introduce yourself as 'I am 3879144' ..... ani lastuh ko 30 million something pugda tuh... babal nai hooncha hola. Okay, not a good idea hagi! Maybe we need to form a group or something.... if a woman gets beaten up in some village and the villagers are forcing her to eat them goo-moot because they think she is a witch.. then we should all go to that village and do the same to all them nautankis ni! 

I don't support them death penalty stuff... but human traffickers (be it them cheli-beti bechney ya hamra manpower ka chor haroo!) and them so-called 'witch' hunters haroo lai chahi ......I wouldn't mind hola!

Yesterday, I went to visit my tole-baasi and his wife ... dui jana nai ICU maa. His wife burned herself by khaw-naa-ing matti-tel and lighting up. He lives in Canada and he was back to visit his wife and kids. He wants to take them to Canada soon but of course all them paper saper takes time ni. Usko shrimati lay bujhey-nuh..... yes paali jasari bhaye pani liyeruh jaanoo parcha haam-lai bhaney cha. Ali Ali thaak thook .... and then she goes into the kitchen and burns herself. He tried to save her..... usko pani haat, chaati ma burn surn rahecha! But he is doing fine... ICU ma cha taruh .. he can walk around!

But his wife won't survive. The doctors say '25% chance cha... but we are not optimistic' ... it's just a matter of time.... but how do I console him? This woman was the love of his life. They left their families, eloped and started a new life together. They were both happy until he decided to go to Canada. But all them tole-baasis felt sorry for him and blamed his wife. 'Kasto naw-bujey ko hola hagi?' ... 'Usley pani Samjhaunu parcha ni' .... or maybe there was something else.... we will never know! But why do we start all them hawa-tari guff..... even when folks are dying kya?

The lover-boy will recover..... his surgery went well but he needs some serious help! Uncle ji wanted to leave this world because he was angry at all them folks who made more, ate more.. had more than him. I cannot do much for my tole-baasi except pray for him and his wife. Why do some people give up and think things won't get better? 

I get depressed every other week but even though I complain too much about everything..... I don't want to give up! When my time is up and it's time to go.... then I will be ready. 

I don't know how it will end, a plane crash, a car accident, health problems or old age..... or alien abduction... but I ain't giving up and ending it unless I am on ventilation and am brain dead.. then it's better to turn the switch off hola but until then.... I want to wake up and smell the Bagmati river (hamro tiruh tuh Mal-pokhari, Nakkhu) no matter how difficult it is!

Yes.. it's hard sometimes..... but yestai tuh ho ni.... yo zindagani!

The same old natak...

Dr Saheb has gotten the ‘Emperor’ bug. He spent a night in a resort in Dhulikhel last week. He wanted a break from all the chaos. Maybe, our caretaker should also give us all free vouchers for a night’s stay at some resort up in the hills whenever we need a break, ki kaso?  But we should not be harsh on him because he stayed up all night reading Mahabharata rey. Maybe he should have asked his aides to grab some DVDs and popcorn instead. Then he could have stayed up all night watching Shakuni play the dice.

Since we have pretty much scared the potential tourists with the recent bandas…why not focus on our comrades and their chamchas? All the resorts on the hills would do bumper business by hiking up the price for the rooms where our visionary netas have slept. After all, the only folks who are flushed with free cash from the state treasury are their near and dear ones ni.

Just like every year, we celebrated World Environment Day on June 5 by organising cycle rallies, art competitions and what not. Our school children were made to walk around the city, carrying placards and shouting slogans. And then we had our netas, VIPs, and sarakari hakims with their hawa-tari bhasans on how to save the environment.

But our VIPs are only good at talking the talk and when it comes to walking the walk, they would rather spend our taxpayers money on them gas-guzzling SUVs.  Dr Saheb wore them new gumboots and tried to catch a fish in Bagmati. He even showed us how to clean the streets but I guess none of us were really inspired hagi?

Dr Saheb got a ‘Jomsom’ bike that day. Like the ‘Mustang’ vehicle, Jomsom is also another ‘assembled in Nepal’ product. Thank God…at least some of the money stays in the country. I think the government should allow only assembled products to be sold in Nepal. After all, our netas get their ‘spare’ parts from our chhimekis. Then they assemble them here and act like it’s their own idea.

While our young lads from the villages have left their farms for foreign lands, city slickers are now into farming.  Hope someday, we will no longer have to spend billions on them Chinese apples and Desi khasis.  I hear that even our ‘trade union’ comrade is into pig farming these days. I hope he is paying his staff decent wages. And if they are not happy with the working conditions, then who do they complain to?

Dr Saheb should fire his lawyers. I guess they forgot to read the interim constitution hola. Now, everybody has their own idea about what to do next. Dr Saheb is running around town meeting the bhoot-purba PMs. I think he should just meet an astrologer and figure out his next move. That’s what most of our netas do anyway.

While the M&Ms (Mao&Madhesi) are busy acting as caretakers, other parties are organising a rally  to show them that they too have hundreds of thousands of cadres who hope to receive free cash someday. NC and CPN-UML have even threatened to boycott the CA election rey.  They want our Dr Saheb to resign so that everybody can join a national unity government. Yes, please do unite...so that you can all share the loot again.

Kamal uncle is taking a break from playing tennis. He is back as the unofficial trumpeter for the ‘Lord Vishnu’ fan club. I think he also moonlights as a fortune teller. Well, he has not really been good at that so far. He thinks that this is the right time for Gyanu uncle to make a comeback. But we already have a dozen maharajas and their courtiers are laughing all the way to the bank ni. So who wants one guy to have all the fun?

And our byaparis in Narayangadh have shown us that they can also go wild and crazy like our political cadres. They were pretty mad at them tax officials for trying to padlock their businesses.  Taxi drivers protest if they are not allowed to tweak their meters. Bus wallahs protest if they can’t jack up the fares. And our byaparis should be allowed to sell goods without paying taxes because all of them have to save some money for campaign contribution in the next election ni.

And our traffic wallahs may have gotten new goggles but it’s not going to help when they have to go back to nose-to-mouth checking because most of them breathalyzers have gone bust. There is a new traffic rule for our school buses. They have to be off the road by 9 am. I think it should also apply to our VIPs and sarkari hakims. Then we can all cycle to work listening to Traffic Metro at 95.6 Mhz!

Will I ever be 90?

My sister has a cafe.... and I help her out sometimes.... she sells coffee soffee, cakes sakes etiyaadi! Ani aajuh... there was a private birthday party for a 90-year old gentleman! I expected a frail old man and thought I had to go down and carry him or something... taruh I was wrong! I am always wrong about everything!

The birthday boy.... man... old man.... looked like he was in his 60s... no wrinkles, no aching back.. he would have probably knocked out Manny Pacman dai (let me google that for you.. lmgtfy.com if you are not into boksing soksing!). And his hearing was perfect and he was eating them momos, pasta, cake and stuff and I thought he would be needing some soup woup etiyaadi! You know.... babies and oldies have no choice but eat them pureed food ni!

When I was 13, I wanted to die at 27 because all the cool people happen to shut down their system by that age kya. Hendrix, Joplin, Morrison... ani pachi gayeruh Cobain ani asti bhakkar hamra bahini Winehouse pani! But of course, I am not a musician.... I still don't know how to play a guitar or a sitar. I can't sing.... I sound like a Chinese from Calcutta rey.. and it's true!

I can't dance.... well, I do know a move or two thanks to Govinda but it doesn't really impress anyone! My English 102 teacher once told me.... 'A tulip doesn't strive to impress anyone...' ... khoi... she really didn't have to impress anyone because she always had her 2 liter Diet Coke and a bunch of cookies at her desk ni!

Anyways.... thanks to her ... I am still writing and following her 'Keep It Simple' formula. Actually.. I really don't know much 'gaaro' angrezi words... that's why I tell folks.. that I keep my writing simple so that a fifth-grader can read it and not go 'WTFWT'.

I used to know all them big words back then... when I was in 6th grade and had to memorize all the words from the Oxford Dictionary. Well, that was school work and you get all kinds of points ni... so that you can buy a khaja biskoot, orange balls and Wai Wai!

My Dad asked me then.... 'So what do you want to be when you grow up? .. I said 'A Philosopher' .... but then a few months ago .. I realized... I have drunk tons of 'Milo' but really do suck at all them 'Philo' guff suff!

Anyways, let's get back to the story hai! When I was 13... I thought I would be done by 27. But I am still alive and okay. And today, after watching the 90-year old great-grand-father ... I was like... myaaan... I hope I will be at least 80 kya.. and still be as fit sit as this great man!

But I know... I won't .... I should not have taken up SDG - smoking, drinking, gambling ... by the time I was 18. I have been a bad boy. And karma sarma bhanya jhai... all them stuff you have taken all them years.... will probably come to haunt you! Dr. Saheb @ Norvic advised me to quit smoking tyo pani just before the CA election!

The x-ray showed all them dots, spots or whatever.. maybe tyo plate slate nai fohor thiyo hola ni... it looked like my lungs chahi.... a big galaxy and it had like hundreds of tiny winy stars or something!

CA ayo ... gayo pani.. afuh feri vote haalney bela hooncha. Yes paali tuh aroo lai vote na-diney baroo afai ooth-noo parla... ki kaso? A friend of mine was reading a small red book ... 'Anarchism bhanya kay ho' or something like that... whoever printed that stuff... at least write your email address or something. Bekkar ma paisa kharcha garey ruh print garey pachi , yeso baarta-laap garnuh lai address pani print garnoo ni!

I really want to quit them dhuwa-sticks..... I even promised to quit back in 2006.... but she said 'Don't quit for me.... quit for yourself.... dumb ass!'... and then she told me I had like a 'one in a billion odds' of someone like me hooking up with her. I thought I still had a chance and I couldn't figure out why everyone was laughing kya.

So word of advice sad-vice chahi (as if anyone is asking hagi!)... don't ask the odds , tyo pani when you are having dinner with a dozen friends! Tyo dinner group ko sabai jana biha bhayee-sakey .... except ... of course..... the bookmaker and the bettor hola ni! But life is not a lottery ... bhancha ni!

Some people never smoke... never drink and then they have cancer sancer.. liver ko lung sung etiyaadi. But of course sabai kurna genes senes ma lekhey-ruh au-daina ni! We should all take care of ourselves and some of us might not be that lucky but .... yestai tuh ho ni!

But of course I am a wrong person to talk about 'life' and 'how to be healthy, wealthy and wise' ... since I suffer from IBS, I have like Rs 420 in my bank account and when I meet them wise folks... I just shut up and say to myself.. 'this person is really full of udus pareko (bed)sheet!'

Ek din tuh hami sabai janchau ... naach-dai khel-dai! I will quit the dhuwa-khaa-ing from Sunday onwards. It's very hard on Fridays!

I want to be at least 70 (90 pugna tuh ali gaa-rai parla!).... that means I have some time left to write a book, start a commune, grow dalley khursaani and visit my father's birthplace.... up in them hills and thank my grandfather (he died when my dad was 3).

Well, the birthday party was over..... the guests left.... stayed up late ... to help the staff clean up, called the local cab.. and dropped everyone home! Then ghar aye, khana khaye.... and as I was doing them dishes... (yes House Rules kya..... whoever eats last, cleans it all!), I still thought about the young man of 90! He will probably be 100 hola..... he is a lucky person!

God has been kind to him! I hope I will grow old someday.... and still be able to walk around like a 30 year old, eat like a 20 year old and speak softly like a 10 year old .. abuh dherai taluh tira pani najau hai! Anyways.. hope one day I will be able to speak gently like a saint .. and not like a savage .. lastuh maa bhan-naw khojya tyehi tuh hola ni!

Clean It Up...

All the so-called Eco-Friendly people are celebrating 'World Environment Day' .... and as usual, hamro desh ma, we have them cycle rallies, walking around the city and making our students carry them placards and shout slogans kyaaruh.

Our government spends millions of Rupees and them INGOs spend some more... baroo sabai tyo paisa save garey ruh Bagmati nai safa garey kaso hola? Everybody wants to do them public awareness campaigns.... and so far it has failed .... fohor bato ma faal-nuh chodya chaina kyaaruh!

Lalitpur ma tuh jhan aajuh bihanai traffic jam! All them students were busy ... and our Vice-President ... the Hindi-speaking Parmoo uncle was in his SUV as our traffic-police wallah in their 1920-ko-goggles stopped the bike-wallahs from crashing into the VP's entourage!

Let us all thank the Australian Embassy for giving our 1,200 traffic wallahs them Mad-Max goggles! Baroo dinoo nai cha bhaney, sabai lai gas mask diye hooncha ni! Yes, them dhuwa suwa makes our traffic wallahs' eyes watery but since nearly half of them breathalyzers don't work anymore... our whistle-blowers will now have to go back to nose-to-mouth checking feri!

Okay, let's get back to the 'Environment' story.... When we were kids, we used to organize them cycle rallies, walkathons and what not... and it's the same natak even today! At least, tyeti bela bihanuh 7 bajey cycle rally garda .... motor sotor tyeti hoodai nuh thiyo ni... and we used to organize most of the stuff on Saturdays nai!

The local fohor-maila company organized a clean up program in my tole sole last Saturday... to celebrate 'Biswa Batawaran Diwas' .... them folks had invited Lalitpur ko CDO, SSP and the government guy who is the pramukh of the municipality... we really do need them local elections and Mayors and Mayor-nis kya!

The program was supposed to start from 6:30 am and end at 8:00am. The local sanitation company used to help me organize them monthly clean up programs in my tole sole a few years ago. I thought it was just another, grab a broom, wear them gloves and mask and clean up the neighborhood thing...  but the sanitation wallahs ko arkai natak rahecha.

The program started at 7:24 am.... the speeches went on and on... it was the same natak... the SSP (Policewallah) promised to arrest folks who go around dumping them trash srash bato ma. The municipality wallah also promised to take action against them fohor-fyakneys and the CDO even promised to start throwing all them fohor-fyakney in jail! Sabai fokatey ko bhasan.... nai tuh ho ni!

Then our three Lalitpur ka sarkari big-wigs did a minute of koo-cho law-gaa-ing and they ran off! And as usual, we were the ones cleaning up the place with the help of 72 police wallahs. Then we had some Coke Fanta (yes naasta-saasta pani cha-hincha Nepal ma!) and the police wallahs took all the brooms and started running back to the station.

Hamra competent cops haroo ko haa-lawt ... they have to work without resources... maybe that's why they had to steal the fohor-maila company ko brooms to clean up their place. One of the hawaldar was even trying to take a doko pani. So, I asked the hawaldaar... 'Kay ho, koo-cho tuh sabai liyeruh gayo abuh doko pani cha-hincha police station ma?'... the Hawaldar threw the doko ... gave me the 'Talai pawkh!' stare and went back.

And today, jasta ko tyestai .. sabai bato ko cheu ma sabai fohor-sohor... then I remembered what our CDO saheb, the SSP and the municipality wallah said at them program on Saturday. We do have laws saws rey.... yes, you can get thrown in jail and have to pay fines from 500 to 5,000 pani. Maybe it's the same stuff like them 'no smoking in public places' natak!

I think our municipality wallahs should focus on them fohor-sohor instead of just chasing away the vendors and making some dough by ko-chaa-ing them illegally parked bikes into them municipality trucks!

Dr. Saheb got a 'Jomsom' bike from them 'Chain' wallahs today. Like the Mustang ride, it is 'Assembled in Nepal' ... hehe! Mustang chai India baatuh ayo... tyo 'Jomsom' bike chahi China batuh! We do love our neighbors.... and we are happy to send our hard earned money to our chimekis.. Apples haroo sabai China batuh ani Khasi sabai Desi haroo batuh.. Jai Hos!

I used to be a 'big 'Greenpeace wallah once.... when I was like 13.... my uncle had given me US$ 10 .... and instead of spending it on some prasad from some Jogi, I decided to send the money to Greenpeace.. khaam ma haaley ani uni haroo lai chitti lekhey.. They did send me a newsletter once! And that was it... or else I would be hanging outside them nuclear reactors with them big-arse banners hola ni!

Abu arko barsa chai.. please don't walk around once a year and screw up the morning traffic... baroo ... safa garney ni afno tole sole.. harek hafta.... ani fohor-fyakney lai fohor ko mala laga-diney ni ki kaso?

Lizzie's Diamond Jubilee

Our darling Lizzie is celebrating her 60th anniversary as the Queen of Middle Earth.... this week is like the official Jubilee weekend rey! The last tyam the British celebrated them diamond jubilee stuff was back in 1897 .... Queen Victoria ko pala ma! Prince Charles has been waiting a long tyam to be the King of England hola.... but he's done okay so far although he does like to talk to plants!

Charlie Brown is not going to be King .... Rupert Murdoch knows that even without the hacking sacking stuff. Prince William, son of Charles, grandson of Lizzie and the Greek will be the Maharaja when Lizzie is done! And Prince Harry will probably open a pub in Kenya hola!

Asti gayeko Friday ... June 1st..... we Nepalis were busy partying hola.... but I guess our media, netas and even Gyanu uncle forgot that 11 years ago, we lost the 'Royal Family' ..... Raati Narayanhiti Palace agaadi ek chin hay-ray ani ghar tiruh laagey! If they were still alive..... who would have won?

Late 80s.... ma it was 'Birey Chor... desh chod!' ..... then the King decided to give our 'democracy' wallahs a chance. Oh.. then we all loved the King again! The Congressis had a ball hagi..... looting everything on sight. Ganesh man died, Krishna Prasad lost the election and the great 'Hawaldar' screwed it up for everyone else. If the Congressis had governed without acting like gluttonous pigs then they would probably still be running the show hola.

The Eh-Maaleys got only 9 months to ride around in them jhanda-bhaako gaadis and live in them mantri quarters! But they act like they used to run the circus. Our netas were starving then.... janta bhanda pani garib thiye uni haroo.... but by 2000, they were all healthy, wealthy and dumb! Ek choti ramro sangaw desh chalai dey ko bhaye!

The Maoist started their so-called Pipple-Botey War! It was never for the people kya.... and what ever happened to their 40-point demand semand? Sabai sukuti polya jhai poley ruh khayo ho la ni hamra comrade haroo lay!

When the royal family was gone..... our comrades were like 'He was a good king' ... sabai marey pachi tuh ramro hooncha ni hagi! Back in 1996, our conspiracy wallahs thought Gyanu uncle was Prachanda! Ye.... galti po bhaye-cha hagi!

We used to hear them chiya pasal guffs..... about how Dhirendra used to visit Prachandu and have a drink or two rey! Baburam got demoted and was nearly buried alive when he was against hanging out with the Raja-badis! Well, our current crown prince Prakash dai... is minting money with Gyanu uncle's son-in-law .. so it's all good hola!

Anyways, let's get back to the story of the day... hehe! Well, Lizzie did invite them current and former monarchs to an informal lunch a few weeks ago! Our Gyanu uncle did not get the invite. Now, that was bad .... Lizzie.. shame on you! Jay bhaye pani bhoot-purba monarch ho ni hamro Gyanu uncle!

Tyehi Raja ko naam saam lay ghar, jagga , sampati jod-ney haroo lay ajuh hamro Raja Birendra lai birsey-cha.... yestai rahecha yeha ko chalan! Janga Bahadur ko chahi statue hoonay rey, Juddha Shumsher ko bhaujo ko statue tuh hamro zoo ma nai cha!

If they were still alive today.... then Princess Shruti would be attending them Pecha Kucha nights hola. Nirajan would probably be the first Royal to work hola.... bank sank ma! Ani Dippy dai would probably be married to Devyani.

Do visit the Narayanhiti Palace (Museum)..... and see for yourselves..... when you are inside them rooms.... you feel like you are in the 60s.... and they really didn't live like them Sheiks or the Sultan of Brunei kya!

Sometimes, we have to feel sorry for the House of Shah..... they are the original guerrillas ni! Gorkha ma basya bhaye tuh arkai lay marathon jitey ruh Raja ban-thyo hola ni! Sabai kabja garey pachi khaa-sai moaj garna paye nuh ! The five families had all the fun then the Kunwars somehow managed to get rid of the other bhai-bhardars and ruled for 104 years.. then we had the Pancheys.... and their nataks! The last 20+ years chahi...... we have seen the loudmouths ... abuh let's hope arko 20 barsa ma chahi.... we will have real leaders and not freeloaders kya!

And no.... the monarchy is not coming back. Halley's comet jasto hoinuh ni! Kamal dai lay baroo India kai BJP party join garey hooncha... hehe! And We live in a material world kya. Ye.. kaha batuh Madonna auntie ko yaad aye cha! Abuh tuh saw-bai jana raja bhaye ... neta haroo chahi Maharaja ni!

So all the 'Sunday Pop' people... please stand up and remember them Royals ... at least for a minute bhaye pani. And all them British nagarik haroo should drink a drum of beer hola... because there won't be another monarch celebrating 60 years of 'free lunch' in the UK anymore. Prince William might be the last monarch ... and Roman the 'Russian' (Chelsea Football club ko Sahuji) will buy Buckingham Palace when the UK economy is dead in 2042...hehe!

Merry-go-round

Our clowns wasted four years and billions of rupees and they still couldn’t give us a constitution. At the end, our CA members ate daal, bhaat and maasu and went home. They just wanted to enjoy the last free meal hola ni. These folks have no shame. I guess they forgot to take Moral Science classes when they were in school. And do we get a refund?

And for the first time in his life, our smartypants Dr Saheb failed to come on top. Well, this wasn’t an exam or anything or else he would have received a gold medal from the president. Dr Saheb is now our caretaker prime minister. I don’t know what he is going to take care of but it would be better if he at least cleared the debris from the roads.

The Emperor failed to pull any rabbits out of his magic hat this time and instead decided to spend some quality time with his family in Nagarkot. At least someone is having a good time.

We are going to have another election—again. We will have another CA and our clowns will spend billions again. And we can do nothing but sip milk-tea at the local chiya pasals and go on a rant. At least in the Middle Ages, you could curse someone and actually see it come true.

Our comrades managed to get a whole lot more votes than they had expected with their ‘give us a chance’ slogan in the previous CA election. What are they going do now? We have seen how they roll and they are not that different from the rest of the buffoons. Everybody wants to be a Shree Tin Maharaja, hire their own cousins, cadres and contractors, and make some money on the side.

The only exception seems to be our poor Dr Saheb. The man does not have to go to the hills whenever he gets panic attacks. He is happy to stay in his room, eat some roti and sabji, and read a book or two. He is the only bloke who returns his travellers cheques to the state treasury when he comes back from them foreign visits. He did try…riding a Mustang and saving us a few pennies. But it really doesn’t help when the rest of the club members go on a corruption binge!

Maybe he should form his own party. Get all the ‘Board First’ wallahs and start an ‘Always First Party’ (AFP). And for the rest of us, who never came first in anything…we can do our part by contributing some cash hola ni.

Dr Saheb would probably be more transparent when it came to them donations and stuff, unlike our Emperor.

I feel sorry for the ‘budo’ parties. NC and UML still can’t believe they got it so easy back in the 90s hola. Our indigenous crowd should also start their own party and learn a thing or two from the Madhesi parties. So far, our Madhesi leaders have yet to do anything for Madhes but they sure have done a lot for themselves. It’s good to be a coalition partner and then you get all the lucrative ministries, after which it’s time to clap, sing and collect chiya-kharcha from civil servants, contractors and confused citizens alike.

We have seen the communists, socialists, monarchists and many more but we have yet to see a ‘capitalist’ party in Nepal or an ‘anarchist’ party nai. I think it’s about time somebody catered to these crowds pani. After all, we all have to find our own niche market now since we are not getting along as a whole ni. And when is Baidya dai breaking up? Or was it just another circus act?

All the graffiti artists around town, drawing them ‘A’s in a circle, should get together and start a Nepal Anarchist Party (NAP) hola. They can take as many naps as they want but should be alert and ready to protest against anyone protesting or we will always have Monsanto.

The FNCCI wallahs should get together and start a ‘Capitalists Are Right Party’ (CARP). And they will probably have enough moolah to be a national party because most of them have saved a ton from them VAT bills natak. And if they have their own party, they won’t have to worry about donations (extortions) from the rest of the parties ni.

Our netas have long promised us that we would be another ‘Switzerland’ or ‘Singapore’. I don’t know much about the Swiss except Toblerone and they don’t give us no free visa. Even if we can’t speak Singlish like them Singaporeans, someone can at least start a Peoples’ Action Party (PAP) here. You can even have Lee Kwan Yew’s poster in the back and he is still alive ni.