The Silent Majority

The No Oil Corporation (NOC) has done us all a great favor by reducing the price of a liter of petrol by two rupees. Our bike-wallahs lining up to fill their tanks can now use that saving to suck on a candy or two to pass time.

It’s about time our caretaker government introduced some kind of an odd-even vehicle plate system in the valley. It could help to ease traffic congestion, air and noise pollution and our NOC could cut down their losses. 

But of course the NOC wallahs will always find a way to skim off money.  After all, they are as rich as the Emirs from the oil kingdoms!
 

Our caretaker government should sell all their expensive gas-guzzling vehicles and get cycles for our hakim sahebs. The Army chief is into cycling even if it’s only on Fridays. 

Dr. Saheb should top that by walking to work every day. Maybe then he will realize how much dhulo from the road widening project has affected the health of valley residents.
 

The No Electricity Authority (NEA) has increased the load shedding hours again. Why are we not surprised?  Dr. Saheb had earlier promised us that he would do everything in his power to  keep the load shedding hours to 12 hours max this winter.
 

Our netas have always been good at making empty promises and Dr. Saheb is no exception. Yes, we feel sorry for our Ali Baba because he has to make deals with forty thieves but you can’t keep on blaming your players when you are the team captain. 

If you can’t take the heat then quit instead of coming up with new nataks every month.
 

The cold wave has killed many folks across the country. Dr. Saheb should provide blankets to the needy ones but of course he is busy looking for extra-strength super-glue to hang on to his koorchi.

One of our sisters returning from the Middle East is robbed then raped by our government employees. 

The Immigration wallahs at our international airport are vultures. They have been trained to ask stupid questions and then exploit them folks who are either going or coming back from foreign lands. And if you are a woman and traveling alone then you are more likely to be harassed by these evil gnomes.
 

The police wallahs deployed at the international airport are not selected on the basis of their merit or skills. Either you need to be a cousin of a cousin of the neta or you need to pay the ‘quoted’ price to get the lucrative posting.
 

So when will this system change? It’s not going to happen until our mothers and sisters drag the rapist out of the police station and castrate him! We need to gherao the Department of Immigration and make sure that the guy who robbed the woman is tied to the electric pole and flogged publicly.
 

We do not have the death penalty but it’s about time we had strong laws to make sure that victims get justice and the criminals get the harshest punishment possible.
 

The caretaker government’s decision to provide Rs 1.5 lakhs to the victim is a slap against all women in the country. A criminal affiliated to a political party gets Rs 10 lakhs when he is killed by a rival gang. 

A woman whose hard-earned money has been robbed and then is sexually assaulted by the one who had sworn to protect the public is being treated like a nuisance.
 

Where are our naari organizations? Where are all them so-called women activists and civil society leaders? Are they all out of the country attending conferences and workshops on how to uplift the underprivileged Nepali women? 

Where is Hisila Didi?  Instead of running around town trying to get your siblings to head an organization or two, she should go to the police station and grab the rapist by his collar, bhut-lau him and give him a severe beating… and telecast the whole thing live on TV.
 

Nepal Police had earlier vowed to stop harassment of women in public vehicles and places. Whatever happened to their nautanki natak? We seriously need to change the way our security personnel deal with the general public. 

It’s high time we remind them that their salaries are paid for by our taxes. They have joined the force to serve the public but our public servants have become our masters.
 

Meanwhile, our beloved President is having fun visiting religious sites in India and getting a honorary doctorate of law. I hope he will do something about the attacks against women in this land of ours. 

Our women are being burnt, raped and murdered but we are not outraged. When will we finally have the courage to stand up and fight against them evil doers?

The End of The World

The world did not come to an end yesterday. It’s bad news for some of us. We still have to deal with load shedding, limited water supply and erratic mobile network. For some of our byaparis, they will once again have to worry about paying back their loans and at the same time will have to crack their brains on how to safely hide from angry clients who have paid the full amount for their dream homes that have yet to be built.

We can’t do much except hope that somebody will come up with a new doomsday prediction and we can look forward to the end of the world again. If the world was really going to end then them NASA folks would have alerted all of us.

The CIA people might not reveal the bad news to the rest of the world but they would probably make sure that all American Citizens got their seats on them spaceships a week before any asteroid hits the Earth. Richard Branson would probably make a trillion since he’s really crazy about making widespread space travel a reality.

So the day you don’t find any Americans in the United States, then it’s time to figure out that the world is really going to end. If you stop hearing about Lindsay Lohan getting into trouble then it’s time to ask our local lads at the Pulchowk Engineering Campus to build us a home-made spaceship.

Our netas are the most worried lot since they did promise us that they would find the consensus clown to lead the national looting government by today.  Maybe that’s why they went around town barking like rabid dogs about how they would resolve the political crisis a day after the end of the world.

Well, the world did not end and now we have to go back to our daily life of shortages. We are not complaining. It’s great to be alive and we still have the opportunity to hope for a better tomorrow.

But our clowns have made our beloved President look like a fool. His Excellency continues to extend the deadline and our clowns continue to procrastinate as if they are really waiting for the world to end and then that would solve all their headaches.

Our President is not a crazy wacko like Zuma from South Africa. The South African President believes that he will be safe from HIV if he showers right after being intimate with a HIV-infected person. I think Zuma needs to take a health education class. Well, he’s now 70 but it’s never too late to get an education. Somebody really needs to talk to this guy and teach him safe sex practices.

South Korea now has the first female President. Hope someday, we too will have a woman at the top. The new South Korean President has to deal with the young cowboy from North Korea who likes to launch missiles up in the air. Maybe she can act tough and give him a cold stare and a stern lecture as well.

But of course, our President is a ceremonial figure and the only authority he seems to have is the admin control to undo the ‘unlike’ button on an Army Chief.  Apart from that, he doesn’t seem to have much to do except beg our clowns to get their act together.

A school teacher can fail students if they don’t submit their assignments on time.  Maybe, we should give our President a big bamboo stick and he should be given the authority to spank our clowns if they continue to act like juvenile delinquents. I really am not in favor of corporal punishment but since our laws don’t allow capital punishment, maybe a little bit of spanking will help to straighten out our band of hooligans.

So what should the President do? He could go on national television and throw a rant. Will that help? Probably not but it would at least give us a moment to clap whenever he calls them clowns ‘incompetent fools’. 

Obama is Time’s Person of The Year 2012… let us hope that one day our Lord Ramu will also get on the cover of Time Magazine for making us feel good and believe that things will be alright! Our clowns should learn a thing or two from Obama. Even if he can’t get things done, you still like him because he tells you that there is hope for a better tomorrow.

Bail out the country

The Emperor has paid the bail amount for the young man who suffers from involuntary hand twitches. The young man has admitted that the caressing of the Emperor’s cheek happened due to sudden burst of anger.  I guess it’s time for our youth to go do Vipassana and learn techniques to control one’s anger.

Our Emperor has enough funds to pay for our meditation courses. Well, the Maha-Maharaja has enough funds to bail out the country. Maybe he could be kind enough to give some of his stash to charity and help us improve our mental health.

Our clowns should all go do Vipassana and something good could come out of it. At least our netas will learn to speak less and listen more after they are done with the meditation course.  Instead of getting gaalis and jhaapads, we will probably then give our Swami-jis vegetable thaalis and papads.

Swami Ram Baran has once again extended the deadline for our crooks to find someone who will head the national looting team.  In the old days, you could win the crown if you could run like hell or if you could hit an apple on someone’s head with an arrow without blinding the person. 

In today’s time, you just need to be a cold-hearted son of a seedless cucumber who can share the loot and keep the other thieves satisfied. If Lord Ramu really wants our netas to get their act together, then he must gather courage to lock them fools inside Dharahara.

Let us not worry about refreshments and sofas for our lazy bums. They can all stand on the balcony and when they finally find the ‘right’ clown, they can light a torch and let us know who the incompetent fool will be.

Hisila Didi is in the news again. There’s nothing wrong with giving plum jobs and power to your siblings.  After all, we do have to take care of our family hoinuh ruh? In this great land of nepotism,  cadres, cousins and contractors get the goodies and common citizens get to buy cheap hoodies from Khasa.

Hisila’s sister is now the chairperson of KUKL and she has replaced the guy who was selected through free competition and is a drinkinig water expert.

Our netas don’t like experts because the brainy heads will spend their time trying to change the outdated system. Our buffoons spend their time trying every possible tricks to milk the system. They just want their loyal leeches to suck the funds dry and share some with their parties.

If you bring in the moolah, you get the party ticket to stand up for election. If you don’t, you just stay in the back bench and get free milk tea and share the newspaper with other disgruntled party members.

The Swiss are pretty good at making watches and chocolates.  We are good at buying them.  The Swiss are also kind enough to let folks stash their ill-gotten wealth in their banks.  Our netas are good at making dough from illegal means and are prospective clients for the Swiss banks.

The Swiss government has now informed our sarkari hakims that late King Birendra and his family do not hold any bank accounts or property in Switzerland.

I think the Swiss government could do us a favor by investigating financial accounts and apartments that belong to our patriotic netas in their land. Maybe they won’t find anything but it would provide be a good fodder for our newspapers.

The Kathmandu Metropolitican City (KMC) has organized a food festival. It will run until December 15th.  You can taste all kinds of food from different ethnic communities. KMC folks tell us that the event will help to unite the people.

With all that budget, the municipality can afford to give a free plate of vyar vyar momo to all those who pay land taxes in Kathmandu. Hope the municipality wallahs make sure they can dispose the trash from the event effectively without embezzling funds.

Looking for a ‘Consensus Clown’

The way things are going in our country, a monkey could be the right candidate to lead the so-called national unity government.  Maybe we should get one from Pashupati and have him or her pick out one of them funny cards from the roadside fortune teller when making decisions for the country. 

Our clowns would probably fare worse than the monkeys if they were given IQ tests.

Our political parties have now missed the second deadline and the President has given them six more days to drink tea, crack jokes and do nothing. The President should send our clowns to British Council so that they can learn a few Angrezi words like ‘consensus’, ‘constitution’ and maybe ‘competence’ as well.
 

While our netas attend the English course at the BC … they can always take their lunch break at the Indian Embassy nearby and enjoy the usual Desi masala-mix lunch. 

After all the Desis do provide free gift hampers to our incompetent nincompoops now and then. The British Embassy can provide free gin and tonic and maybe high tea as well.
 

 The Kangaroos want their old man to be our Prime Monster.  Wisdom comes with age but it looks our netas are the only group of senior citizens who have no clue on how to make things right.  

Most of us do make better decisions as we grow older. Our netas are a different breed. They continue to act like kids high on sugary drinks, throwing tantrums because they did not get a bigger piece of the birthday cake.
 

Let’s not be too harsh on them…. after all most of them buffoons have spent majority of their lives talking gibberish and have rarely held any jobs for a decent period of time.  

A year or two working in some school, firm or development projects won’t make one an expert.  If you can’t solve the problems then it’s better to hire folks who can resolve them. 

But our netas only care about their cadres and cousins while the common citizens will now have to think twice before ordering milk tea at the local chiya pasal.
 

It looks like only lazy bums are fit for Nepali politics. Well, we do have a few smarty pants like Dr. Saheb and other PhD wallahs but just because one has an advanced degree does not mean that the person is capable of making the perfect omelet.
 

Dr. Saheb could have done us a big favor if he had focused on getting all the clowns on the same bandwagon to write the so-called constitution. But he thought it would be better if we had wider roads so that all the ministers’ gaadis would pass without being stuck in traffic. 

It won’t make a difference even if we have a 12-lane highway in the middle of Kathmandu. We will continue to have idiot drivers and gung-ho bikers who want to show us all that it is possible to squeeze in between lanes without getting run over by a speeding Micro.
 

I am not against our smarty pant’s nautanki nataks but it’s time our caretaker government handed out free cough syrups and masks to help us deal with the dust storm. 

I hope Dr. Saheb can explain without going on a rant on why the government has decided to withdraw criminal cases against his party’s cadres.  Most of our mundrey gundas are affiliated to the political parties and our clowns do need them to do the dirty work here and there.
 

Our schools should get rid of ‘Moral Science’ classes because we would be sending the wrong message to our kids by teaching them to be honest and law-abiding citizen. 

I hope someday, a local bookstore will publish a book on how to beat the system. It will probably sell a million copies and maybe bag the Madan Puraskar as well.
 

The kuireys have ranked our country at the 139th position in the Corruption Perception Index (CPI). That’s not too bad… we are still a less corrupt than the 30+ other countries.  

Our peons want Chiya Kharcha, the section officers want fuel expenses and the hakim sahebs want a Santro for their Missus. And what about our netas? They want to amass enough dough to last seven generations.
 

But all good things must come to an end.  One day, the looting has to stop and the thieves must pay for their crimes.  

We are always looking out for a savior but we only spring into action when the electricity comes on. Some will rush to charge their mobile phones, some to catch the LIVE football game on TV and some will turn on the motor to fill up their water tyankie. 

We do need a jolt and maybe a kick in our backside to wake us all to demand hisab kitab from them morons. Maybe we should all meet up to find a consensus arse-kicker for now!

Deadlines are for losers

I hope someone from the TU’s English Department will be kind enough to remind our clowns that deadline is the date when something must be completed.  

Yes, once in a while it might be extended, for instance, like when you are organizing a beauty pageant and you don’t get enough participants to cover your expenses.  Manpower companies do extend their deadlines whenever they have a hard time finding enough young folks to be exploited in the Middle East. 

But we are not talking about ‘Miss Ward Number 13’ or ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ here. While common citizens are still hopeful of a new constitution, our clowns are only worried about how to get their hands in the national coffer and enjoy the loot.

What’s the use of a deadline if you keep on extending it for eternity? We are not going to live forever but our buffoons act like they will still be around to see the Halley’s Comet in 2061 AD. 

We might never get 24 hour electricity or paani from Melamchi in our lifetime but at least give us a new constitution. It might not really make any difference in our lives but it will provide us an opportunity to gather at the local chiyal pasal and argue about the violations of articles of constitutions by our clowns.

When we say ‘Peace’, our freeloaders think it must mean ‘Piece’ and then go back to fighting over a piece of the pie.  What must we do to wake up our lazy bums?  A slap here and there is not going to scare these vultures. 

Maybe we should just clap every time one of them fools show up somewhere. If a clown shows up to inaugurate a toilet at the local school, just begin clapping and don’t even let the clown begin his or her speech. 

It will probably be the same lies that he or she has repeated a thousand times. So keep on clapping until the clown has no choice but to leave the venue, hop on a helicopter and head back to the capital.

A student will probably get a bad grade if he or she does not submit her assignments on time.  But there is no pressure for our stupid netas. They know very well that they are not going home with a failing grade if they don’t finish the assigned tasks on time. 

Their parents are not going to chase them with a broom or cut off their TV time.   And their kids are least bit worried about how their parents have ruined this country.  But of course, let us not blame the children for the sins of their parents. After all, most of them crown princelings seem not to follow the news.

Our beloved gave the clowns a week to find a so-called ‘consensus’ candidate for Prime Monster.  Our political parties failed to find the ‘right’ person to sleep in Baluwatar and asked for an extension. The President has once again given them a week to find the new ‘Maharaja’.

So what happens when our clowns can’t agree on the right clown by next week. They will once again ask for another extension and Lord Rama will probably have no choice but to oblige.

Our Emperor didn’t even last 9 months and although nobody had really asked for his resignation, he went ahead and quit because he couldn’t stand the heat. Or maybe he figured out that he would have more free time to hang out with the bidhesis if he stepped aside.

Makune could not win the hearts and minds of the voters but he still managed to crash at Baluwatar. The loser managed to spend 600+ days as our official jester and all he had to show for was a picture with the Obamas. Somebody should have told him to wear a nine-inch heels or he could have been on stilts instead.

Jhallu Baba became our Prime Monster. And what did we get? Nothing… and we really weren’t expecting much. Dr. Saheb can beat Makune’s record of day dreaming in Baluwatar if he manages to stick around until April.

 Baidya Uncle wants ‘Badal’ dai to be our next Prime Monster. Our Home Minister is also tired of being a ‘Deputy’. We don’t know how Badal will do but let us all pray that our Homie won’t be leading the next government. 

Our police wallahs are being forced to look the other way as our Homie hangs out with the mundrey gundas who are on the ‘most wanted list’.

If our clowns can’t agree on the ‘right’ candidate.. then they should either play a card game of marriage with the four finalists or just send the highest bidder to Baluwatar! 

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter to us how they play the game of thrones… we will just be skin and bones still waiting for our ice-cream cone!

Do the Right Thing

Dr. Saheb should resign. According to our opposition wallahs, that would be the right thing to do so that all of our crooks can finally come together and form a national consensus government. If we get the so-called national unity government then all buffoons from our major political parties can get together and share the loot. 

After all, why should we leave out the Kangaroos and the Unidentified Moronic Losers from enjoying free lunch? It’s about time our Mao & Madhesi (M&Ms) cared about the other good for nothing freeloaders as well. 

Somebody should remind them that ‘sharing is caring’ and at the end of the day, our parties do need to take care of their cadres or else every one of our clowns will need to wear full-body armors whenever they organize a chiya-paan karyakaram.
 

Our opposition wallahs really need good event managers.  Why not come up with a schedule like them film festivals around town.  Distribute your flyers to the general public and let us know when we should not be out on the street when the crazy wackos run around town swirling them torches and shouting stupid slogans.
 

Instead of gathering their cadres for a daily morning chakka jam routine,  use them for something productive.. like a daily ‘pick up the trash’ and sweep the streets campaigns. Maybe they could up the ante and clean up the Bagmati river or if them cadres are really pumped up then we can ask them to dig tunnels so that finally, we can shower with the paani from Melamchi. 

It’s about time our young angry birds learn how to build something instead of acting like they are infected with rabies. I hope our political parties do hand out free rabies shots as well.
 

Dr. Saheb thinks he should not resign. If he steps down this afternoon then the country will be swallowed up by a dark evil force.  If we believe the conspiracy theories woven by his crew then the world will probably end as soon as he leaves Baluwatar for good.  

And who knows… Darth Vader will show up and take over the country.  Star Wars might be a little old school for the young ones hola..so let’s stick with Voldemort for now.

So is Dr. Saheb our Harry Potter? Certainly not. He really doesn’t know any magic except for promising us new tricks and while we wait to be enthralled by his performance, he just moves on to another natak. 

The Emperor was once a real magician but he just ran out of tricks.  And he has also earned himself a badge of honor as he has now joined the official ‘SBYOPC’. No it’s not the “Son, Bring Your Own Personal Chamcha” stuff.   I think all of us can figure out the real acronym ni.
 

I hope our Emperor will forgive the young lad who wanted to fix his specs. Well, it would be a little tough for him to forget the incident and let us all hope that his security detail won’t be asking his well-wishers to only appear tied up in strait-jackets from now on. 

The Emperor has not commented on the incident yet. I think he should go on national television and proclaim that he has forgiven the fellow who wanted to check if his glasses were designer stuff.
 

I hope our netas have learned their lessons well. Next time, instead of getting up close and personal, just hop on a pick up truck and wave at your cadres. Maybe our great leaders should just stay home and send their cadres lunch boxes from the local mithai pasal.
 

Our political cadres have slapped hundreds of hardworking citizens who wanted to go to work or ferry the sick during them bandh days. Tit for Tat is never good.. so next time if you want to vent your anger against one of our clowns then buy a birthday cake and hurl it from across the street so that it will land right on his face. 

I hope our cadres won’t go crazy then and the one who gets the cake on his face can laugh it off and enjoy the sweet stuff. One who wants to be cake-hurler will need a very strong arm and can learn a few tricks by watching Amriki Football.
 

And what about us? What would be the right thing to do .. as common citizens? Nothing.  If you are stuck in a traffic jam and then you notice one of our clowns riding around in a national flag-fluttering SUV then all of us should stand still and begin slapping each other.Why? So that the patriotic politician can feel the pain. But whom are we kidding?  To our netas, this world is flat and we are the doormat.

The new dumplings

Tihar is over and our clowns will get back to their usual nautanki nataks again.  While most of us prayed for Goddess Laxmi for more wealth, our clowns must have spent their Tihar holidays trying to figure out how to topple the caretaker government.

We are not going to get rich anytime soon because the only folks who rake in the moolah are our competent civil servants, contractors and political cadres. The rest of us will just have to put up with the rising food prices and shortages of everything else.

The opposition wallahs plan to launch protest programs after Chhath. It’s the usual crap filled with chakka jam, bandas, torch rallies and what not.  I guess it’s time our buffoons figured out new creative ways to conduct them protest rallies.

Maybe our political parties should learn a thing or two from the Amrikis. The Kuireys spent more than a billion dollars on them political TV commercials during the elections. I don’t think our political parties can spend that kind of money because they need the dough to distribute funds to their cadres and cousins. 

Maybe, they can place their political slogans on them hoarding boards around the city. But please do make it funny instead of the usual ‘Murdabad’ stuff!

Dr. Saheb should just promise our opposition wallahs a little bit more than the usual cut of the national budget. After all, our netas are really good at forging consensus when they get to share the loot ni.

Dr. Saheb failed to clear them debris and pave them roads during Dashain. Let’s hope, we will spend the next Dashain and Tihar free of dust. We might as well start learning how to walk single file on them narrow pavements now.

The dumpling gang change their leaders every ten years. It’s tyam for Mr Xi and Mr Li to take China to new heights. The old generation will get free villas and all the state facilities. Hu and the old crew will spend their days swimming.

The ‘princelings’ will now decide the future of China. Our comrades should learn a thing or two from the Chinese when it comes to them economic reform and what not. And instead of splitting the party and acting like circus clowns high on bhaang, the Chinese like to throw their comrades in prison whenever he or she fails to toe the party line.

The Xi-Li team will have to deal with corruption as the Chinese population are getting tired of corrupt government officials. Here in Nepal, Dr. Saheb and his crew are not a bit worried about getting the bad guys because most of them happen to be a part of his cabinet!

Yes, there are other issues like human rights and freedom of speech and religion that the dumpling gang seem to turn a blind eye to but as long as WalMart gets cheap stuff from the mainland, the Amrikis will leave it to the Hollywood actors and pop stars to talk about Tibet.

I think our comrades should spend a year in Shanghai or Shenzhen and implement some of the stuff they see in the mainland. But our comrades seem to be in love with Mao and his cultural revolution natak.

Even the Chinese don’t mention Mao in every sentence like they did when he was alive.  Late Deng and his crew decided to abandon Mao’s crazy ideas and went for economic reform.

Here in this land of ours, our comrades seem to have no idea on how to build the economy except going for the usual ‘tax increase’ on them vehicles, cigarettes and alcohol stuff.

And it would have been better if them taxes on vehicles were used for building better roads while the taxes on them tobacco and alcohol stuff were used to operate better public hospitals and schools.

But at the end of the day, it’s our netas who get them free rides, booze and what not.

The Amrikis have Obama back in the White House. The Chinese have the new players and what do we have? We are still stuck with the old drunks while our young turks have no choice but to open up meat shops and get into organic farming when they should have been leading the country.

So, if we really want to organize a protest rally then let’s ask our old drunks to step aside and let the young ones show us their dribbling skills. It’s about time all them young political cadres got together and change the guards.

We will even take to the streets with them so that we will finally get folks who know how to update their Facebook statuses instead of the old vultures who still fantasize about Remington typewriters.

Four More Years of Honey Ale!

President Obama gets to be the most powerful man on Earth again.  He can relax and enjoy his home-brewed honey ale for the next four years.  Romney thought he could turn the tables with the ‘it’s the economy, stupid!’ formula but I guess many Amriki voters still blame W for the mess of the economy!

Romney really turned off a whole lot of Amriki ladies with his ‘binders full of women’ remark as well.  He could have taken some tips from Dubya instead of trying to steal some ideas from Bubba’s playbook.  When you are up against a guy who can speak like it’s some sort of a divine intervention then it’s better to act like a simpleton.
 
Them Amrikans have certainly voted for a moron in the past (not this time!) but I guess they are not yet ready for a person who doesn’t drink beer or coffee or any sugary drinks. Romney could have been the Mormon President but he should have kept his mouth shut and not disparaged the other 47% of the population. Them folks have their cousins and friends as well and they probably didn’t vote for him either.
 
Bill Clinton is a vegan now but he used to gorge on burgers and fatty snacks when he was running the show. Dubya  nearly choked on pretzels and Obama likes his home-brewed beer!  Romney only eats top halves of muffins. Maybe he would have won if he had gobbled a dozen muffins on his campaign trail. Maybe he should have kissed more babies and brushed up on Spanish.
 
We would have never heard of W if Al Gore had asked Bubba to help him out then.  Gore thought Clinton was toxic but Slick Willy still has the touch after all these years. Clinton should thank Ross Perot for helping him to beat Bush senior.  Well, it was the economy but Perot took a chunk of votes from Daddy Bush as well.
 
Junior got lucky the first time thanks to Florida and of course Gore’s robotic dance moves.  He got lucky again because John Kerry looked French.  He also showed the world that not everyone who goes to Yale and Harvard are geeks or freaks.  Some are just plain stupid.  One day, W will finally learn to pronounce ‘nuclear’ and Texas will go Democrat then.
 
Obama has to thank the Amriki women, minorities and them young folks for helping him to get re-elected.  They still haven’t lost hope.  Bill Clinton and Bruce Springsteen should get a nice gift hamper from Obama as well.
 
Romney can place some of the blame on Clint Eastwood. The old man is a fine actor and movie director but he really needs to visit a shrink. You can’t be talking to an empty chair and think you can get away with it. Maybe, he should just visit Nepal and make a movie about our netas and their fetish for chairs!
 
Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize during his first term. What will he win next? Maybe them ‘Nobel’ folks can give it to him again. The first one was for his extraordinary efforts to get along with the bideshis and the second one can be just for sticking around for another four years. He and Putin can come to Nepal and do some paragliding together!
 
After four years, Obama will leave the White House.  He will then make tons of money from speaking engagements and what not. Here in the land of ours, our netas don’t need to worry about bills and how to make a living after leaving office. They don’t even need to go around delivering speeches for money. They make enough to last a few generations while in office.
 
W has so far made US$ 15 million from speaking engagements since he left the White House. Obama should be able to make ten times more.  He will need them millions for his Presidential Library and land prices in Chicago are pretty steep compared to Texas. But of course Oprah Winfrey has a few more dollars to spare but their relationship seems to have cooled a bit in the past four years.
 
Obama will be 55 when he is done playing the world leader.  He can take eight years to churn out eight volumes of his time in the White House. Then he can spend his days surfing and playing ball. I have a feeling that someday he will be a UN Secretary General.
 
Well, nobody really listens to the UN head anyway but when Obama speaks, the world listens. For now, the only way for Ban-Ki Moon to get all them crazy world leaders to listen to him would be to do them ‘Gangnam Style’ dance moves!
 
Obama will get more grey hair now. Romney will go back to making more millions from his business deals. And Hillary will be nearing 70 in 2016. Hope Amrika will be ready for her then!

Every day is a Holiday!

 

Our Homie ministry wants a two-day holiday for them sarkari offices except for them Khanepaani, batti, phone wallahs and other so-called essential service providers. Whoever came up with the ‘Load Shedding Reduction Work Plan’ must really hate Sundays.  The so-called planners think we could save some energy if our sarkari lazy bums got another day off to play a card game of marriage with other freeloaders.

Our public servants have it easy in this great land of ours. Every day is a holiday for our incompetent nincompoops. They get to work late around 11am, read newspapers and drink their tea while the service seekers are made to wait in line for hours.

I hope them so-called unions in these water, batti, phone corporations will unite and gherao the Home Ministry to protest such discrimination kya!  After all, them so-called essential service providers also need a day off to get over their hangover ni.  We are not getting 24 hours electricity, paani and reliable mobile service… so it really doesn’t make any difference if them corporations are open on Sundays!

Somebody needs to remind our government that we buy paani from private tankers and we  really don’t expect much from the Khanepaani folks! In this great capital of ours, waiting for water from the khanepaani wallahs is like waiting for Godot.  Yes, someday we will get the paani from Melamchi but until then we will have the dhungey dharas and the private tankers. 

One day, they too will run out of water and maybe then we will finally have no choice but to go for rainwater harvesting. Maybe, our National Planning Commission wallahs can come up with a plan or two. How about providing subsidies for all of us to construct them rainwater harvesting systems?

Every winter, we have more than 12 hours of load shedding and in the next few years, we should not be surprised if we have no power at all during the whole winter. We are still waiting for our comrades to fulfill their promise of giving us 10,000 MW of power within a decade. We should have gotten at least 4,000 MW by now. 

Our Emperor should ask the Hong Kong-based NGO to invest in a hydropower project rather than trying to come up with silly plans for the Disney-fication of Lumbini!  Let us first try to relocate them cement factories from the Bhairahawa-Lumbini corridor for a change and then maybe we can come up with a master plan.

Haku Kale could pitch his ideas… he seems to have more brain cells than our stupid netas.  And who cares, if he is just another fictional character… so is the Chinese NGO that has promised to invest US$ 3 billion in Lumbini!

In the next few years, we will all have to opt for solar energy and get off the national grid.  Of course, them solar panels don’t come cheap. Them Chinese are like the world’s largest solar panel manufacturers … maybe our caretaker government can ask the Chinese to give us a few million solar panels at subsidized rates.

The Chinese can call it a ‘Tihar Discount’ and if all goes well, then we won’t have to worry about missing out on them Desi TV serials this winter.

Nepal Telecom is minting money like crazy even though they really don’t care about providing a reliable service to its customers. I guess the  hakim sahebs have never heard about ‘customer service’ and think that all customers are suckers.

I think we should have some kind of an exchange program between our sarkari and the private sector. And maybe, they will at least realize how much they have been slacking off.

We can send our police wallahs to work as security guards for them banks for a month and vice versa. The bank guard will probably do a body search on every Ram, Laxman and Hanuman who enters the police station while the men in blue won’t even notice a bank robbery taking place in front of him.

We can ask our NT folks to go work in Ncell or some of them private telecom wallahs. The Ncell folks will probably clean the sarkari office first and get right to work while the NT wallahs will first try to figure out where the daily newspapers are and who serves them doodh chiya!

Our CDO sahebs should go work for some private entity as well. Somebody needs to remind them they are not the mini Maharaja of a district. Well, the only ones who really scare them are our Madhesi netas who think they deserve a nice vehicle and guards and what not whenever they come to their home district for a visit.

As usual, our public servants will get to enjoy while the public hopes for a better day! Yestai ho Nepal ma…. the incompetent fools run the show while the competent ones just bitch and complain all the time.

Back to Work

Dashain is almost over and most of us have gained a few pounds due to overeating.  It’s now time to recuperate from binge drinking and wild gambling as well. A lot of folks will have to visit them physiotherapists to learn some stretching techniques.  For a quick relief, one can visit the local Desi barber and get the usual ‘drum roll’ massage.

Some of us will hit the gym and go crazy as if one is preparing for a mixed martial arts fight soon. Some of us will continue to stick to the usual Baba Ram Dev breathing exercises and try out different vegetable juice recipes.  And what will our netas do to get back in shape? Well, after a week of not getting their silly views covered by the media, they must be really itching to go back to playing the blame game and speaking gibberish!

Our clowns promise us a break-through every other month.  I think we do expect too much from our politicians! The only time these buffoons will find a common ground is when it comes to sharing the loot.  

Expecting our netas to stop engaging in corruption is like expecting a pani puri seller to use clean drinking water for them amilo jhol! It will never happen and we are all immune to them both.

Baidya uncle wants Badal to be our next Prime Monster.  Badal dai must have enjoyed his Dashain well gorging on Badel and finishing off a few bottles of chuski! If he gets to become our PM then he will get to enjoy the free state benefits such as free vehicles, guards and chiya kharcha when he is done with his siesta at Baluwatar. After all, it’s all about free lunch for our freeloaders!

I think our media wallahs should organize political debates for our netas. We can have like a league tournament nai.  Our so-called top leaders can participate and our advertising agencies can come up with promotions similar to the European Championship League. 

The top two winners from the league tables will then advance to the knock off stage and the winner will get to be our Prime Monster.  The runner up can go home and practice his or her debating skills for the next year.

We will have SMS voting and the funds raised from the natak can help to pay for the vehicles and chiya kharchas for the lucky winner.  I think our Emperor would probably win the damn thing because he is a stand-up comedian and TV audiences seem to  like funny people. He also has all the dough and he can afford to buy all of us recharge cards to help him win the title. And if that doesn’t work, he can flex his muscles and we will voluntary oblige.

Somebody should call Bhusan dai and ask him to come up with a new TV show for Kantipur hagi!

Obama is busy coining new terms and has been trying his best to get ‘Romnesia’ added to the English Dictionary. The US Presidential race seems to be extremely tight.. well it’s been that way since the Robot and his geeky sighs lost to the class clown!  At least, them Amrikis have it easy… it’s always a fight between a donkey and an elephant! Here, we have to deal with the whole animal farm!

The Amrikis are a different breed. They drive on the wrong side of the road and hate the metric system. Here in our great land of ours, there is no wrong side of the road. You can drive anywhere, any how as long as you are able to squeeze in and overtake the other person.

And if you are really in a hurry to save the world then you can even drive through the pavement. You just have to make sure that you don’t get busted. I hope that one of our ghoos-khoris will one day come up with a treatise on how to get away with everything and anything. I think it will sell more copies than Sun Tzu’s ‘The Art of War’.

The Amrikis have them Electoral College natak. You can still win the popular vote and lose the Presidential election. Al Gore probably wishes that he was born in this great land of ours. Here, you can lose them elections from two constituencies and still get to be a Prime Monster. Maybe, he can come back as a Nepali in his next life and finally get to be our PM.

But it would probably be too late by then. The valley will be without a single tree then thanks to our road widening projects. Our lucky contractors are making something extra on the side and our police wallahs get free firewood to cook their ration! What about us? Now, it would be easier for us to make a sudden U-turn in the middle of the road nai. Now that’s freedom at its best!

Goats, Gambling & Good Times

As usual, our folks at the Nepal Food Corporation (NFC) will report that hundreds of khasis have died mysteriously in their warehouses.  No, it’s not the case of a ‘Bad Goat’ disease or some other flu… it’s just that it’s time for our freeloaders to enjoy the free masu. 

The so-called dead goats then come back to life in the homes  of our visionary netas, competent civil servants and not to forget the hardworking staff of NFC as well.

Our sarkari hakim sahebs will get gift hampers from their staff, byaparis and jobseekers. The hakim sahebs will then have to run over to the netas and shower them with gifts. After all, nobody wants to be transferred to the hinterlands.

Our malnourished netas have a week of idleness and what better way to enjoy Dashain than gorging on khasi and raksi!

While we try to figure out how to manage our Dashain bonus, our civil servants and netas will have a hard time trying to fit all them gifts and bottles of whiskey in their  mini-palaces. They will have enough stock to open a liquor shop for Tihar.

We celebrate the victory of good over evil during Dashain. But in this great land of ours, the evil doers are having all the fun while we, the common folks have really nothing to be merry about.

Maybe it’s time we pray for Mother Durga to come back and save us all. If not then we should ask our mothers to open a new political party to save us from the buffoons!

Every Dashain, millions of Nepalis take out loans from unscrupulous money lenders so that they can buy new clothes and a khasi for their families. The Shylocks get away with their outrageous interest rates because most of them have joined a political party or another.

All the great producers of adulterated food products, shady contractors and slimy capitalists seem to be friends with our clowns. So as usual, do expect to pay black market prices for food, transport and other services during Dashain.

Dr. Saheb could have done us all a great favor if he had added a Dashain gimmick to his portfolio of nautanki nataks. How about a ‘One goat for one family’ gift from the government? Well, it’s a alrealy a little too late for Dashan but Dr. Saheb still has some time for Tihar.

Well, only party cadres and contractors get the state funds but it would be a heart-warming gesture if he send us all a 10 Rupee note with a hand-written greeting card.

The opposition wallahs will then condemn it as another natak but at least all of us will get to drink a cup of free doodh-chiya one fine morning ni.

Our transport wallahs will as usual make a killing during Dashain and folk will have no choice but to pay double even to sit on the roof of them buses.

Our domestic airlines are all booked and someday our civil aviation authorities will probably approve a provision to allow air passengers on the roof as well. Or maybe our tourism wallahs can help to promote it as an adventure sport.

Dashain is the only time when our police pals don’t care much about folks gambling in their homes. Tis the time to be merry, drink like a sailor, eat like a pig and gamble like crazy.

By the end of the festival, most of us will have high BP, our sugar level will go off the roof and the pharmacy wallahs will sell tons of antacids. The lucky gamblers will be able to afford a new house while the unlucky chaps won’t even have enough to buy a new blouse for their spouses.

We will be running around, visiting our relatives for the tika-talo, and our byaparis will be having fun overseas. Most of our byaparis now take their family off to foreign lands to spend some quality family time together.

After all, it’s more cost effective since you don’t have to empty your bank account giving dakshinas to your relatives. And their phones won’t be ringing and they won’t have to worry about political cadres visiting their offices for donations to their never ending conventions and chiya paan karyakarams.

Dr. Saheb promised to clear all them debris and construct sidewalks before Dashain. Well, Dashain is here and we are still waiting. Most of our valley residents now suffer from allergies and respiratory illnesses. But our netas really don’t care about us. They are not the ones who have to walk and suffer from all the dhulo.  

Our clowns are more worried about 500cc bikes. How about banning all luxury vehicles instead?   Dr. Saheb should launch mandatory carpooling and maybe we can hitch a ride with him someday.

Chinese Movies & Brussels Waffles

Baidya uncle and his crew have lifted the ‘Hindi’ movie ban for now. They want us to catch the latest Bollywood flicks during Dashain. I guess our comrades are not worried about foreign cultural invasion during them festivals.

Our neta know us better.  Our political parties do seem to give us a break during them festivals. We really don’t complain about load shedding, water shortages and rising food prices. But if our clowns trample upon our rights to drink, gamble and be merry than there will be another Jana Andolan.

I think we should ask our Hindu astrologers to come up with some fuzzy math and prolong the Dashain festival till the monsoon season.  We can leave the monsoon for our tire-burners and stone hurlers.

Our political cadres can then shut down them highways during monsoon. It will indeed save lives because our government is not even a bit interested to improve the road conditions.

The Chinese are making cool movies nowadays. Maybe our Nepali Talibans… the ‘Baidyabans’  or short form ma chahi ‘Babans’.. should just go ahead and  enforce an ‘only Chinese’ movies fatwa. 

Most of us do understand Hindi thanks to them Bollywood movies and we all can speak tootay-footay Hindi as well.  Our comrades should force us to watch Chinese flicks everyday and then we will all be fluent Mandarin speakers by next year.  Then we can all go to Guangzhou and be byaparis.

The ‘transfer’ season is here again. The Homie Minister and our IGP Saheb have finally struck a deal. Both of them will now get to transfer their beloveds to them lucrative postings.  Somebody should remind our Homie that his job is to make sure that our cops protect the common citizens instead of them con men. 

Our cops are doing all they can with limited resources. Maybe our ‘horrorable’ minister should don a police uniform and finish an over-time shift to get an idea of how hard it is for our folks in blue. 

He should also organize a slumber party inside one of our prisons so that he can see for himself how our inmates are packed like sardines. But our ministers don’t have time to carry out reforms because they are only interested in the moolah. Dashain is here and our cops and civil servants are now in a rush to send gifts of khasis and whiskeys to our clowns. 

The Emperor is in Belgium, probably munching on Brussels waffles.  Them Belgians have had 45 governments in the past 67 years. We will probably get there in the next 60 years hola.

It’s not only our politicians who can’t seem to find a common ground. The Belgies were without a government for like 18 months until they were forced to form a coalition government due to the Eurozone crisis.

If them folks who can come up with mitho chocolates and polished diamonds can’t seem to agree on anything then we still have a long way to go before we can come up with unadulterated gudpaaks that will give them European chocolates a run for their money.

Our netas are only interested in ‘get quick rich’ schemes .. so it’s time to pitch in and organize a MahaYagya so that we can raise billions and pay our netas off to leave us alone. We could help our netas to settle down in them third countries. The EU and the IOM wallahs can helps us hola ni.

A Non-Resident Nepal in Australia has pledged to invest Rs 6.4 billion in the country’s tourism sector.  The guy wants to build a hotel and attract more tourists to Nepal. Instead of offering tax breaks and other incentives, our civil servants and corrupt netas will probably find ways to extort some of his dough.

I think our Emperor should visit Australia before he comes back to face the usual squabbling crowd.  After all, our great chairman loves capitalists like a fly loves a tray of ‘jeris’.

And what about us.. the original NRNs (Nepali ma Residing Nepalis)?  More than half of the population has them cool mobile phones that costs somewhere around US$ 200.

Let’s do some math….  the government could raise at least US$ 3 billion if we all decided to forgo buying smartphones this year... and maybe we can invest in them hydro projects and our highways.  If everybody has a stake then maybe we all will have the strength to kick some arse whenever our political cadres resort to vandalism and bandas ni.

Our patrakars need to go on a strike soon. Our media tycoons invest hundreds of crores to start new patrikas, TV channels and what not. Except for a few major media houses, most of our media wallahs never get their pay on tyam.  They should all unite and stage a sit-in outside their offices. Somebody call the Babans.. they seem to be the only ones pumped up at the moment!

Breakup Season

It looks like our Janjati and Madhesi (JaMa) netas from the Nepali Congress and UML have finally seen the light. The gang of 36 have decided that they no longer want to be associated with the Kangaroos. And 550 comrades don’t want to hang out with the Unidentified Moronic Losers anymore.

Breaking up is always difficult. You long for the other half even after deciding to walk the other way.  You spend half your day watching YouTube videos of all them great break up songs in history. And you spend the other half of the day, praying that the phone will start ringing again and your former lover will come back into your arms.

But our netas are a different breed. A day after they announce the break up, the former lovers are willing to strangle each other. We really need a psychologist to go through our netas’ profiles. I think most of them suffer from dissociative identity disorder and half of them will fit the profile of them psychopaths as well.

There should be some kind of an annual fitness test for our clowns. We are tired of our netas being driven around in them gas guzzling luxury vehicles around the city of dhulo. For a change, let us have an annual walkathon for our clowns so that they can at least be like us for a day.

We also need a general knowledge test for our buffoons as well. If you want to be a Prime Minister then you should know the names of all head of states in the SAARC as well as G7 nations.  If you want to be a health minister then you should at least know the difference between aid and AIDS. We don’t want our netas thanking the bideshiss for giving us AIDS to develop our country ni.

But for our narcissist netas, it’s always been about their egos. Some of them want to quit the mother ship because the priestly class didn’t give them the top positions. I think someone failed to remind the JaMa wallahs that begging will get you nowhere in the country.

You should follow the ‘Big Bang’ theory. Bang the table, chairs, windows and shut down the party headquarters and burn tires all day long. Look at our Emperor…. If he had stuck to only begging for a republic, he would still be living in Noida and drinking Bagpiper with the Desis.

But now as our netas are busy ripping-off-the-public, the great chairman has his own mini-palace, a full stock of Black Labels and and he gets to hang out with all bideshis.

Some of our JaMa wallahs are disgusted with the top leadership and their body odor and foul breath. Maybe gifting a bag full of mouth wash and Axe body spray would have solved the problem. But our netas never took a class or two on problem-solving hola. The jackasses know only how to create problems. If a smarty pant comes up with a solution then they will all gang up against him or her and make sure that the theorem is never solved. 

The idea of promising us the promised land gives them all opportunities to enjoy looting rather than taking us there because our netas know that if we get there then their life as the new ‘Maharajas’ will end.

Some of our JaMa Wallahs don’t really care about the rights of the minorities… they just want to make a quick buck. Our other Madhesi parties have already shown us that it’s much fun to be a small fish and enjoy half the pie than be a big fish and settle for crumbs. And the rest of them are just happy to be a neta and they are content with the arse-kissing by their karyakartas.

Our  Janjati and Madhesi netas will need a new name for their party. Instead of fighting over the name for the next six months, just go with the initials baroo.  How about ‘JaMaPa’? Or if the Madhesi netas win the coin toss then they can go with ‘MaJaPa’ hola.

Our new single and ready to mingle folks have promised us a new progressive party.  For our city folks, being progressive is about respecting one’s right to party at 3 am in the morning in the middle of the city. 

The JaMa wallahs will need a symbol. We are tired of the hammer and sickle, trees, cows, cycle and other stuff.  I hope our progressive wallahs will conduct a competition so that our creative graphic designers can come up with a cool symbol.

All I can think of right now is a big roti, half wheat and half Phapar! It’s healthy and full of nutrition and it’s time we cut down our heavy bhaat intake so that we won’t doze off in the middle of the day.

Baidya and his ‘ban’ list

Baidya dai is trying to go back to the original ‘top 40’ hits that started it all. The ‘angry birds’ have decided to ban Indian vehicles in ten districts. I guess they still need to work on recruiting more comrades if they want to carry out a nationwide ban on anything Desi.

When our Emperor and Dr. Saheb were busy hanging out with them Desis, Baidya dai was in an Indian jail eating sukkah roti and stale sabji. The Emperor was probably munching on tandoori chicken and bar-hopping in Noida. Dr. Saheb is a son of a peasant. So he was probably sticking to his usual dal-roti diet. 
 

Baidya dai feels for our farmers and wants to ban Indian vehicles so that our farmers will find market for their produce rey. I think Baidya dai and his crew should get into commercial farming so that we won’t have to eat Chinese apples and Desi khasis.  They can start their own transport business as well and be a market leader in ferrying Indian tourists all the way to the Himalayas.
 

Maybe our NGOs should teach our political parties how to sustain themselves by teaching them income generation skills. Instead of burning tires, our cadres could gather all the used tires in the country and make tire tube rafts. They can then open their own rafting company and get some dollars from foreign tourists.
 

We had them Hippies before and we now have tons of bideshi climbers. The Hippies came to Nepal to get high and they were happy to crash in Kathmandu. The climbers don’t like to stay in the valley much. They get their own high only after reaching the top of the world.
 

Our comrades can attract millions of Kuirey wannabe communists fresh out of college.  Most of them act like communist until they find a real job.  Instead of offering khatas, our ‘angry birds’ can offer them a red bandana and a hammer and sickle t-shirt each.  Well, it’s going to cost more but you can always add it to the tour package ni. And to get their high, they can participate in them bandas across the country.
 

Instead of hurling stones at the cops and dismantling public railings and sidewalks, our cadres should pick up trash from public roads and make bags, jackets and other creative works of arts. Thanks to Dr. Saheb, we now have tons of debris lying around the city. Baidya could build a new party office from all the leftover bricks, concrete and what not.
 

Baidya dai does not want us to listen to Bollywood songs or watch them Desi movies.  Lot of folks will be unhappy this wedding season when they can’t dance to the latest Bollywood hits.  Our comrades can get into the  ‘DVD’ business and make a killing. After all, the entrepreneurs will find a way to make a quick buck.
 

You can get the new movie for Rs 30 at your local pasal.  If the ban stays, then you will need to pay double to watch the latest Korean flicks. Maybe it would be like the early 80s when we still had neighborhood mini-theaters. You could pay a few Rupees to watch a new flick cramped inside one’s living room with 50 other folks.
 

Dr. Saheb is not leaving Baluwatar soon.  Our opposition wallahs can’t even agree on them protest programs.  If they really want Baburam out of Baluwater then they should all come together and clean up Bagmati river. Clear up all the debris from the road widening projects.  Make sure that all them folks get their bus tickets to go home for Dashain without having to pay double!
 

Our caretaker government has finally realized that it is better to dole out funds to our athletes instead of their own cadres only.  But our athletes will have to do the impossible whereas them cadres get the dough without breaking a sweat.
 

So far, we haven’t even won any silver medals in them Olympics but if you win gold then you will receives Rs 10 million. A silver will get you 7.5 million and win a bronze and take home Rs 5 million. 

Wouldn’t it have been better if they had announced the cash prizes before the Olympics? Well, it might not have helped much but it would at least have motivated our athletes to improve on their records.
 

It’s about time our athletes received adequate stipend and bhatta for some balanced diet. It’s always them hakim sahebs who have all the fun while our athletes can’t even afford to buy a pair of decent training shoes. 

The khel-kood wallahs should organize them national games for all of our netas. Baidya dai is so pissed that he would probably throw a javelin out of the Dasharath Stadium nai.