Saturday, December 31, 2011

2012 .... end of the world?


Every year, I come up with them New Year's Resolutions... and when I look back then I realize that I have failed to keep them ki accomplish them ki kay bhancha ni.. so this year chahi I am not going to go with my usual 'I will quit.... ' this and that natak.

My father tells me that I have already started more ventures than late Steve Jobs and while iPod, iPhone and iPad have rocked the world.... my ventures have been more of them iFail type hola .. hehe!

So this year, I would like to lease ropanis of land someplace near ... maybe an hour drive from Lalitpur and start some farming sarming stuff. I don't know much about farming. My great grandfathers were great farmers rey but then rest of the clan decided to do something else!

I like 'dalley' a lot.... khursaani ni feri! So, maybe I will start a 'Dalley Farm' this year. With due respect to all the 'little' people, but I would like a midget to be the face of my 'Dalley' products ... something like that wrestler guy in them 'Balwaan Khaini' products. Never tried khaini , well tried it once and puked and never tried it again kyaaruh!

I would also like to do some event sevent stuff in Kathmandu. Hate them 'so-called' party nataks... and Sabin Rai ko geet pani abuh tuh sabai lay sooni sakey holan.. so this year, I would like to organize a monthly event ... maybe start with 'Van Morrison' night or our old guru-ba 'Rod Stewart' .... hehe!

So instead of listening to Kutumba at every charity function, I would like to hire our 'Nepali' rock stars to sing some 'Roddy' dai's geet or even 'Elton John' ... when I was a young lad studying in Singapore when Lee Kwan Yee was still a Senior Minister hehe.... the only songs (I suck at this singing stuff) I ever covered were Elton dai's 'Sacrifice' and John Lenon's 'Jealous Guy' .... hehe!

I also plan to start jogging again .... I have always wanted to run a marathon but the Real Kathmandu Marathon is a big joke kyaaruh. My brother in law ran the marathon a few years ago and he had to compete with Micro buses, tyampoo, water tankers ... so it's not that fun!

But this year chahi.. I really want to finish a marathon , maybe the first ani tyo pani lastuh nai hola ni.

I have written screenplays yeta oota.... but this year chahi.... I want to make movie. Instead of all them 'so-called' technically khatara new-age Nepali movies... I just want to do a movie on my SLC days and maybe try to screen it right after the end of the SLC egg-jams this year. I think I have finally found the magic formula hola... @#$! them action movies or so-called arty farty wallahs... young folks like to hang out at them malls, cinemas and vyar vyar momo stalls!

So, I guess I will have to open a vyar vary momo stall somewhere near KTM Mall and maybe a kurta-pasal inside KTM Mall and release my movie, a block ootaah Civil Mall ma .. hehe!

Happy New Year 2012 to you and your pariwaar..... God Bless Amrika errr.. Nepal!

with love and best wishes,

Guffadi

p.s. And don't worry, the world is not going to end kya.... The Mayans got it all wrong rey... but if it does end then let's all hope that we will be near our loved ones so that we can die in their arms ... ki kaso?


Thursday, December 29, 2011

Politicians, Police and Public Servants

We have seen countless revolutions, a referendum and so many reforms but none of it seems to have really changed the lives of common citizens except our politicians, police and public servants.

And unless somebody wakes up and smells the Bagmati River, the three Ps will continue to make our lives miserable for many more days to come.

Our politicians need to be reminded that while holding public office, they should work for the common good and not for their own personal profit. And when they become mantris, they should do what is right instead of promoting their party’s agenda even if they face ridicule and nara-baazi from their own cadres.

I think it would be better if our political parties were taxed like private organizations. They should apply for PAN number, and file their audit reports every year. At least, we will then know how much they are raking in from all donations and gifts from our byaparis and bideshis.

Most of our ‘old’ democrats come from wealthy families or seem to have married some rich landowner’s daughter. Or maybe they are really for women’s right because most of their assets seem to belong to their wives.

And our ‘new’ rebels seem to have suddenly gotten richer due to investing in the real estate market at the right time. We got rid of the Shree Tins then the Shree Paanch and I guess now we have to deal with the Shree Aaaths!

Our politicians seem to forget that all good things do come to an end. You can’t just keep on extending the CA term forever while they enjoy the loot. Thank God, at least our Supreme Court stands up for common citizens once in a while.

So if we really want to find out how much our politicians are worth than we should enact a new ‘PA’ law and monitor their personal aides’ bank accounts and their black books as well.

We have seen the ‘Panchayati’ system where the Pradhan Pancha lived like a local prince, we have seen the ‘Parliamentary’ system where Rubel lived like a foreign prince and maybe it’s time we just stick with a ‘Presidential’ system like the Amrikis.

And for those who worry that a President will turn out to be a dictator, we just have to make sure that the only time he can mobilize the army is when we invade a foreign country. I don’t think we have enough soliders or nukes to invade our neighbors anytime soon but Baidya might take a chance if he gets to be the President someday hola.

I think we would be better off if we have only a President than also a Prime Minister and his forty thieves to waste our taxpayers money riding gas guzzling SUVs and dozens of security personnel escorting them as if they are in the middle of a battle zone in Afghanistan.

And instead of our politicians electing the President, we , the people should get the opportunity to directly elect our commander in chief.

Why do we need a President? Because we are tired of getting a new Prime Minister every six months and enjoying state benefits. When we get the ‘real’ President of the ‘real’ republic then we can just scrap all benefits of all former mantris and PMs from the Mandaleys to Maoist to Madhesis and other morons as well.

It would also be fun to watch the Presidential debates where we can ask our so-called thulo netas to name all 75 districts and 14 zones of ‘old’ Nepal. If they find it too hard to answer then we will just let them slide if they can sing our ‘new’ national anthem. I think all of the candidates would fail at that as well.

It’s about time, our politicians talk about their vision and policies to change the nation than listening to their stupid rants and outbursts. We might also get few late night shows on TV like the Amrikis if we go for the ‘Presidential’ system hola.

Our police-wallahs haven’t changed a bit after all these years. The only thing reform in the police service after 1990 was that they changed the color of their dress from the ‘bora’ to blue. They continue to harass and abuse common citizens both verbally and physically and we have nowhere to seek recourse.

Maybe it’s time to either hire locals or send the existing ‘swearing’ sailors to their own communities so that when they swear and beat people up, their mothers will show up at the station and give them a beating instead.

What about our public servants? Well, these buffoons haven’t changed since the 19th century. We, the public have become the servants while we offer chiya kharchas to get things done. We must ask their mothers for help as well.


Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Martyrs & Money


The Supreme Court has refused to review the petition filed by our 'honest' government. At least, we have to thank our judges for standing up for the common citizens kya.

Our stupid netas are now threatening our judges rey. The Supreme Court had ruled earlier that the CA term extension on November would be the last for our nautanki clowns and they would have to go for another election or referendum after the CA term expires.

Now, our corrupt clowns are going around town accusing the judges for acting like goons! I guess somebody needs to remind our netas that they are the ones who have hired thousands of mundrey gundas so that they can make a few billions more from them government contracts and what not.

Our netas tell us that only they represent the people and it is up to them to decide whether to extend the CA term for another hundred years or so. I guess it's now tyam to really occupy Baluwatar, BICC , Singha Durbar and all them so-called prohibited zones.

We will be suffering from another 18-20 hours of daily power cuts this winter again .. so why not take our blankets and briquettes and occupy them places baroo. We can all have chicken noodle soup at midnight and sing songs and dance. During the day, we will eat soontala and badaam... after all our netas and civil servants are not really doing any work ni.

The government has now promised to pay the family of Manbir Sunar, 10 lakhs as compensation to his family. And our Dalit brothers have been shutting down districts here and there, protesting his murder and demanding that Sunar be declared a martyr! Today, a dalit woman was thrashed by some sahuji in Damauli for touching his bucket rey. Next time, I hope a dalit women will castrate the sahuji instead.

The two so-called upper caste men who killed Sunar should also be castrated and they should be sentenced to hard labor, digging ditches in Rolpa and fined Rs 10 lakhs baroo. I think the government should sell their lands and give their sampati to Sunar's famiy instead of wasting our taxpayers money by compensating the victim's family.

Our Congressi chors also want that Congressi gunda, who died due to the prison beating by UML gundas, be declared a martyr. His family also received Rs 10 lakhs from our 'wealthy' government.

Our prayers for them Sunar and Poudel families who have lost their loved ones but if our government keeps on paying off every families then I guess there won't be any left for our bato ghato and bijuli batti (as if we have better roads and electricty nai!).

The Congressis should storm the UML HQ and play a game of Dandi Biyo. Our Dalit activists should invade Kalikot and live in them upper-caste homes and use their land for some collective farming baroo ... but please stop shutting down districts and screwing it up for the rest of us kya.

Lately, we have seen lot of robberies and murders in the valley. Even the soon-chaadi sahujis are shutting down our cities and demanding compensation kyaaruh. Maybe our government would be better off if they came up with some kind of a 'blood money' thing kya.

We do need to reform our laws saws hola.... if you kill someone then you not only spend 20 years doing hard labor in them remote districts but you also have to pay like 30 lakhs to the victim's family.... ki kaso?

And if you are a broke-arse jackass and you can't afford to pay the 'blood money' then you can work for another 20 years more and eventually pay off the victim's family!

Khoi kay bhanney.... the government has announced that it will provide Rs 25,000 to them folks in Terai who are suffering from them cold wave stuff.... tyo paisa pani sabai local cadres lay khaney tuh ho ni! Maybe, we should all donate our blankets and coats and ask the Rotary people to go to Terai and distribute them to the people there.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Three years and counting


It's been three years now (Dec 15th 2008 ma soo-roo garya rahecha!) and looks like I will keep on guff-ing until I drop dead hola.... hehe!

Not much has changed .... load shedding hours have gone up every winter. Kathmandu ma harek barsa paani sook-dai cha.... we are turning out to be like them Frenchies... taking showers every 3-4 din ma .. hehe!

The so-called leaders are still looking chillo, fat and filthy rich while the rest of us suffer from some kind of respiratory and mental disorders thanks to pollution, frustration and destruction and what not.

Our Maobadis thought that they could copy a story from 'Lenin's nataks' and capture the state or something. They call themselves 'Mao's dumplings' but they are actually following Lenin's playbook kya. Mao and his chums had to walk thousands of miles ... Prachandoo and his chums just hopped on a bus, went to Delhi and ate tandoori chicken and naan with them RAW agents.

Russia had them Constituent Assembly stuff then and Lenin screwed it all up so that he could capture the state... our Emperor also had the same plans but of course, they were as suprised as the Amrikan Embassy when they won them majority of seats kya.

Mao defeated the Taiwanese.... well, they all fled to Tawian ni.. hehe! Prachandoo didn't defeat anybody. Gyanu uncle is still here, enjoying his cigarettes, brandy and late night poker Facebook ma!

And today, Prachandoo has admitted that even though he tried all them tricks, he failed to capture 'state powers' rey..... so all this tyam, fighting in the name of the people chahi sabai joke tuh rahecha ni!

So, Prachandoo just wants to be another 'Jungey' ... yes, the guy who is always riding a horse in Tundikhel kya. I think he should read all them Diamond SJB Rana's novels hola. Jungey started it all but it was not his family who got to live like tyeti bela ko P. Diddy and party like Vijay Mallya hehe!

The Dhir Shumshers killed their own brothers and their families and screwed it up for all of us while they built them palaces around the Valley. Bir Shumsher was worth like a billion pounds (ahiley ko valuation)..... and of course , the Shumshers still own thousands of ropanis of land in the city.

The funny thing about them communists haroo chahi..... they have them 'urge to purge' thing hehe. Baburam and Hisila didi were nearly buried alive back then.... Prachandoo must still be mad at himself hola.

Today, Baidya really wants to go for an all out war and take over Nepal. Somebody needs to remind the school teacher that it's not possible. The Chinese are still pissed at our Maoists for using the 'Mao' brand name. They don't like Mao anymore kya. The Chinese just want one thing from Nepal.... kiss China's arse with that 'One China' Policy natak and beat up Tibetan protesters.

Our politicians and Nepal Police get $$$ from the Chinese Embassy.... to beat up nuns and the Tibetans. Why can't HH Dalai Lama visit Nepal? If Nepal Tourism Board really wants to promote Nepal then @#$! them Bollywood stars.. invite Dalai Lama, Anna Hazare and Nelson Mandela hola!

Mandela is now old and frail so he might not make it hola but if we can get Hazare to come to Kathmandu for some kind of a bhaa-shun karyakaram then who knows... we might get like 10 million Indian tourists arko barsa .. hehe!

And most of the Chinese tourists coming to Nepal are not actually tourists nai..... half of them are in Thamel opening up them hotels, hot-pot stuff and what not but they are only here for the 'Yarchagumba' ki kay bhancha ni! There's something shady going on kya.

If HH Dalai Lama comes then Richard Gere will come and so will Uma Thurman ko bau pani! And we will probably get more Buddhist tourists for our so-called Visit Lumbini Year kya. China batuh bhanda tuh Japan, Taiwan, Thailand and even Steve Jobs jastai Kuirey Buddhists haroo auney sambhawana badi hooncha ni.

I have no idea what I am guffing today..... Merry Christmas everyone and do remember that 'He says to love your brother (and sister), love your enemy, turn the other cheek, don't judge lest you be judged, be patient, be kind, hold your tongue and give every effort to keep the bonds of peace."


Friday, December 23, 2011

The Joke Is On Us


The country’s oldest democratic party finally got its chance to show us how bad-arse they can be when it comes to them bandas! The other parties have had the decency to inform the common citizens of their so-called Banda at least a day before they took to the streets and burned tyres and what not.

I guess our so-called ‘Gandhi’ wallahs were tired of being labeled ‘dinosaurs’ and ‘old school’ hola. They wanted to be hip and crazy like other political parties who resort to bandas and make our lives miserable.

Surprisingly, the oldest club in town seems to have a large number of mundrey gundas as well. And we must really congratulate on them ‘rapid deployment’ skills. The ‘martyr’ died in the evening and the great ‘cadres’ started their vandalism by early morning. It’s really tough to send SMSes to thousands of cadres ni. I guess they seem to have to a premium account with our telecom providers.

Try sending a SMS to your loved ones, it sometimes reaches the recipient nearly two days after her birthday. And you could see that, apart from one or two so-called ‘student’ netas, most of them were hired goons who were just happy to be on the street and looking forward to destroy anything they had on sight.

Saturday is the only day, we Nepalis get a day off and we either want to stay home and eat badam and suntala or head to the malls and do some window-shopping. And the impromptu banda by our great democrats really screwed our day off hagi. I guess none of their cadres had any plans for Saturday. They were just tired of lazing around, so burning tyres and threatening innocent citizens must have really made their day.

The Nepal Banda on Monday event went further when it came to vandalizing vehicles. Even ambulances were not spared. A cyclist got beaten up and they didn’t even leave his cycle alone. At least the other political parties only resorted to hawa-fuska-ing them cycles.

Even the US ambassador’s status update didn’t deter them from shutting down the country. I think Santa Claus should rather print out the list of all ‘bandh organizers’ and post it on the Embassy walls. Instead of threatening to ban them, why not just go all out and ban them outright.

I think our democrats have already visited Disneyland many times that they are not even worried about not getting a visa to Amrika anytime soon hola.

They demanded the resignation of the Home Minister. He is still smiling. They demanded that that the guy be declared a ‘martyr’. His family has already received 10 lakhs so that’s like getting a unofficial star on ‘Martyr Hall of Fame’ hola ni.

Who is a martyr? I don’t know. I think the joke is on us. Ten years of so-called eating wai wai and wearing Shikar shoes and killing each other really didn’t make Gyanu uncle leave. It took hundreds of thousands of hardworking citizens who came out on the street that made him concede.

And now, we are being held hostage by the same crooks whom we thought would finally change the country for good. We should thank the UMLs for introducing Nepal Bandhs in the country. We should thank the Maoist for hawa-fuska-ing them cycles and now, let us thank the Congressis for not even leaving the cycle alone.

I guess when there is another Nepal Banda again, let us not even venture out hai…. who knows, these goons might even thrash you for walking on the street. I guess they have proved their point. They are as ruthless and violent as all other great political parties.

And the ‘Shree Tin Maharaja’ of the week award goes to our former Home Minister and wannabe Prime Minister, who is still trying to get to Baluwatar after failing so many times. Hundreds of folks must have lost their beloved mothers that day but only he got to travel in a SUV, with state security from Kathmandu to his gaun to attend his mother’s funeral.

And we have to thank our men in blue for standing in the corner like them mute spectators as the mundreys burned vehicles and thrashed innocent folks. Maybe they should just stay in their barracks and police stations and play ping pong if they are not protecting citizens from such nataks. Save the fuel and chiya kharcha please!

Kimmy dai is dead. Bijukche dai thinks he was a great leader. He also thought the same about Gaddafi. I guess the funding is drying out now since not many dictators left to smooch.

And talking about dineros, it’s not only them kuires taking our hard earned money. Nepal Tourism Board wants to invite Bollywood stars to show us their aerobic dance routines and lip synching nataks. Why not invite Anna Hazare instead and maybe he can teach us a thing or two about fighting the corrupt clowns?

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Criminals run the show


Nepali Congress has lost it .... I guess them Kangaroos know that the so-called oldest democratic party will never ever get to loot Nepal like it did when our great Hawaldar Girija Babu ran the show!

I got stuck at Ratnapark this Saturday like thousands of Kathmanduites because our Kangaroos decided to go on a rampage and burn vehicles, force people out of them gaadis and make them walk to their destination kya.

Who is Shiva Poudel? The guy used to be the President of Chitwan ko Tarun Dal. Tarun-eys are like Mao's YCL and Unidentified Moronic Losers (UML) ko Youth Force. But the Kangaroo gundas don't have many mundrey goondas like Youth Force.

YCLs have their share of gundas but comrades still run the show. Youth Force chahi.... they have Milan Chakrey, the one-armed bandit (his other arm is mangled and dangles because he nearly got killed by Deepak Dai ko chela... tyo jawana ma!). And they also have that khalasi turned Don from Biratnagar, Parshuram Basnet... who is still in hiding kyaaruh!

Anyway, lets get back to late Shiva-ji... his brother was killed by them Youth Force gundas a few years back. So, Shiv-ey decided to kill Sanjay Lama, a Youth Force chor! He was arrested with his chelas and sent to Bharatpur Prison in Chitwan.

And then the other gundas decided to attack him inside the prison and he got his head banged up pretty bad. So they had to fly him to Kathmandu and he died on Friday night.

Now, Nepali Congress wants us all to join hands rey... to protest against them prison conditions and Home Minister ko laa-pur-wai. Blawdy Hell... hehe.... abuh gunda haroo ko security ko laagi hami joo-loos ma janey rey! Our Home Minister is another Maha-Gunda. Kavreli Don , Ganesh Lama is his right-hand man!

If you go to them 'City Center' area... all them bato ghato bhataang-bhootoong. Yes, it's a good thing, our traffic police, municipality and the Road Department want to widen them roads to ease traffic congestion but why the @#$! did these sarkaari chors grant permission for them folks to build their houses if it was illegal kya? And what about them sidewalks... hami kaha heed-ney... or should we get some stilts from China and start stilt-walking hola ni!

I met a friend of mine today... well, I was going to a book club meeting ani bato ma saathi po mood-off bhayeruh basi raako rahecha. The Court has told the authorities to stop demolishing them walls, houses and what not until the government decides what kind of or how much compensation they would give to them tole-baasis!

But who gives a @$!% about them court sourt ...our netas and chor sarkaari hakims don't care hola because our judges ask the Police for help and the police-wallahs have nothing better to do but kiss our netas' arses!

Them bull-dozers haroo sabai Ganesh Lama ko rahecha! Yes, he got them contracts for them demolition jobs rey. If the tole-baasis demolish them walls, houses then it's okay rey but if Lama dai's machines roll over then you have to pay Rs 10,000 per hour rey.

The tole-baasis protested and the Home Ministry sent thousands of cops in riot gear. And the cops are now busy scaring the tole-baasis. If you act funny then we have orders to break your bones rey. Even Ganesh Dai's gundas are running around threatening innocent folks to either demolish their walls and ghar shar and stop protesting rey.

Nepali Congress wants Guccha-dar's head.... they want him to resign. If the Kangaroos really want to help then they should call off the bandh and go to Gyaneshor and help the tole-baasis there. Send the Tarun Dal and all them nautanki Nebi-Sangh (Nepal Students Union) clowns to fight with Guccha-dar's gundas ni baroo!

The Amriki Ambassador should also do a chakka jaam in Gyaneshor with his so-called Marine guards and CIA agents hehe.. instead of just updating his Facebook status hola! Why not print out a list of all Congressis and post it on their Embassy ko wall baroo! Something like a black-list kya.... and ban all these goons from visiting Amrika for their kids' graduation, housewarming parties and baby showers etiyaadi.

I have not been feeling well since November ani tyes karan not able to update them posts regularly. And those of you who sent me their mailing addresses, you will be getting your greeting cards hehe. Bidesh ma bhaako haroo might receive it arko barsa hola .. hehe! Kathmandu ka chahi.... I am sending my mundrey gunda to deliver it at your offices. Don't worry... no tyre baaling, no naara-baazi... it will be dropped at the reception , front desk or with the guard-dai hai!

Lau Jai Hos... bholi Nepal Bandha rey.... where did our anti-bandh crowd disappear? It's about tyam we all got together and kicked some arses hola. Abuh tuh atti nai bhayo! Limbuwan shuts down Eastern Nepal, UML wallahs closed down them cities a while ago and now it's our grand old party, the Kangaroos to show us their nataks hola ni.

Maoists will get free tickets to Disneyland hola and Madeshi netas have already made enough dough to pay for their daughters' dowry hola... poor Congressis... they are pissed and broke.... and they need to vent hola ni... so let them act crazy and make a fool of themselves.... maybe Manisha Koirala should open another 'Congressi' party... she seems to be only staying home these days! I hear she's like (semi) separated from her hubby rey. But she likes Gyanu Uncle kyaaruh....

Khoi kay bhanney..... I guess this is the New Nepal... where criminals and corrupt politicians run the show ani haami chai ghar ma basey-ruh kalo chiya ruh makkai khaney hola ni!



** maathi ko cartoon chai alter-salter garey ko ho.. so sorry to the Desi cartoonist from Mumbai hehe!

Friday, December 16, 2011

A B-grade movie


Dr. Saheb has given himself a ‘B’ grade for his overall performance so far as our national team captain. And even Kollywood movies have far better storylines than the nataks we’ve seen since our smarty pants dazzled us with his Mustang ride.

Even though our movie-wallahs haven’t gotten over the Bollywood 80s action-pack masalas, at least the good guy bashes up the villains and wins in the end.

In real life, we have criminals shutting down our cities, grabbing land and government contracts, and the good guy has no choice but to leave for the Middle East to make a few dinars more.

Instead of evaluating oneself and passing off with a Distinction, our competent government should organize SMS voting schemes where we can send in our votes and maybe win some prizes. How about a free government vehicle?

Well, our Supreme Court has ruled that even our so-called VIPs aren’t allowed free rides anymore. So I guess no more SUVs for our thulo manchhes until they bend the rules again.

Maybe, Dr. Saheb can give us a ride in his Mustang Max, with the flags fluttering and security detail and all even if it’s for a day. The grand prize winner can pay for the fuel and chiya kharcha for the security personnel and save some taxpayers’ money.

Dr. Saheb isn’t an angry old man who is going through a later-life crisis like comrade Rambo who dreams of invading India one day. He may not have the same juggling skills like our Comrade Chairman who always has that one crazy magic trick up his sleeves.

He’s just like Ali Baba, and he has his forty thieves. Now, we need a genie, but we don’t know if the genie likes dosas or dumplings.

We all feel sorry in some ways for our smarty pants because he did try to save us a few paisas but ended up costing us billions of Rupees, thanks to his Jumbo Cabinet and the “honest” ministers who have really gone crazy and wealthy with their “commission” nataks.

I think someone should remind our netas that zero tolerance means you’re liable for punishment if you break the rules. But I guess we don’t have any rules here in Nepal. The Supreme Court keeps on issuing verdicts left and right and our netas just don’t care.

Our Judges have banned dowry, caste-based discrimination. Yet our sisters are dying because they failed to bring enough dowry, and our Dalit brothers are murdered in the villages because they eloped with higher-caste girls, or wanted to get a quick smoke from a Thakuri’s kitchen.

Uncle Wen decided to stay home and take care of his backyard. But our netas are going in and around town crying as if Dr. Saheb has disgraced our nation. How the hell did we lose face just because the Chinese Premier decided to postpone his visit to Nepal?

Our netas blame the Home Ministry for not convincing the dumpling gang that we were ready to provide hi-fi security for Uncle Jianbao. Why is everyone after our “honest” Home Minister?

Leave the poor man alone. He has already admitted having a notorious don as his right-hand man. His excuse was that he had only one gunda while the comrades had hundreds.

And he’s also working hard to transfer cops from here to there. I hear his relative will be transferred to Laltipur once the current chief there gets promoted. We can’t blame him for taking care of his friends and family. Nepotism is still here in New Nepal, and maybe our Madhesi liberators can teach us a thing or two about meritocracy someday. So far, they only seem to say “Show me the money!”

Maybe our netas, especially our comrades, can learn from China when it comes to foreign investment, tax breaks and also punishment against adulterated food producers, gangsters and corrupt party officials (who seem to have fallen from grace).

Stalin and Lenin don’t live in Russia anymore. Today, Mao is to China what Elvis is to America. We were hoping for some goody bags from the Chinese and billions of dollars in credit.

I guess that will have to wait for a while. Our netas still have some time to take a crash course on Mandarin 101 and impress Uncle Jianbao when he is here. Even an efficient use of chopsticks and pronouncing “Gan Bei” right will do hola.

Dr. Saheb is ill, again. Let’s all wish him a speedy recovery. He should be the next king of Gorkha if we do disintegrate into 22/24 different kingdoms again. He has probably visited Gorkha more than the all the Shah kings combined. Hisila Didi, please make him a chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side.

Friday, December 9, 2011

The Wedding Band(h)


The wedding season is here. Time to buy some ear plugs as your neighbors dance to the latest Bollywood ‘item’ numbers till the wee hours. The party palaces seem to close down by 10 but the music seems to go on forever at the ‘Swagat’ house. Even the aunties seem to be reliving their dreams of dancing like Rekha and Sri Devis hola ni. Or should I say, they will give Rakhi Sawant and Malaika Arora a run for their money.

Our major political parties have agreed to hold local elections by the end of next year. The end is near for the all-party mechanism’s looting spree. At least one party gets to eat the whole cake from then on hola ni.

Maybe we will finally get our local representatives by the next wedding season and hope they do bring out a local ordinance banning all loud music after 10pm. Yes, you only get married once or twice or if you are Rajesh Hamal dai then you might keep everyone guessing hola but disturbing the whole neighborhood seems to be the hot new ‘trend’ this wedding season.

Our competent cops have finally woken up and are now arresting drunk drivers. Hundreds were arrested last weekend for driving under the influence. This is great news but we also need someone to test our cops with the breathalyzers since they seem to be have had more pegs than the arrestees themselves.

And it looks like the ‘bandh’ season is here again with our young cadres of Congress and UMLs taking turns to shut down our cities. The UML wallahs were pissed that only the other comrades were getting ‘free’ money from the Youth and Small Enterprise Self-Employment Fund (YSESEF). Mahesh Basnet, the UML warrior even declared war against the Finance Minister.

Basnet will one day be a mantri and we won’t be surprised but until then he should stop going to war against everybody from the media wallahs to the current mantris. He should follow Gagan Thapa’s footsteps and open a meat stop instead. That’s where the money is but of course chicken prices are down due to bird flu so maybe he can start selling mutton only. And maybe Dr. Saheb can give him some start up money to help this youth with his small enterprise ki kaso?

The Congressis have shut down Chitwan because one of their own got his ass kicked inside the Bharatpur prison. He was doing time for murdering a Youth Force cadre. Our ‘honest’ Home Minister has already suspended the CDO, the District Police chief and the jailor for failing to maintain security inside the prison.

This is the ‘New Nepal’ we already dreamt of where criminals demand better security in prisons while we , the common citizens are left to fend for ourselves. Be it them Congressis or Comrades or the great ‘Madeshi’ liberators, all of them seem to have criminals in their youth organization like we have cockroaches in our kitchens.

And the EU wallahs have decided to place them bandha organizers in their ‘No Visa’ list rey. That’s not good enough. I think they should also stop inviting our netas to try their salmon and other Viking food in their homelands.

The US State department has also lifted our country from its travel advisory. We still want Madonna or Lady Gaga instead of Monsanto! And hope Madame Hillary will do us a favor by banning all netas from visiting USA for their kids’ graduations or house warming parties until they finish writing the constitution.

Our netas claim to work to work for us but they seem to forget that we don’t get free paychecks for not showing up at work like them. Bandhs screw up our schedules. We don’t have the time or the resources to laze around in them resorts and fight over petty issues.

We have to pay our rent on time. We have to pay our kids’ school fees on time. Everyday counts and a day of bandh only makes it worse when we are all barely surviving. We live real lives where prices of food, fuel and (transportation) fare go up every three months while our netas think it’s just a game of Monopoly.

They give their cadres ‘Get out of jail free’ cards. They have amassed enough ill-gotten money to last more generations than Chandra Shumser’s and yet they are not satisfied and continue to hold us hostage by their bandhs and nautanki nataks.

Today, our national team plays Afghanistan in the semi-finals of the SAFF Championship. We are in the final four after twelve long years. Sagar Thapa’s free kick at the last minute is what got us here. Now, let’s hope Dr. Saheb will show us his magic too and bring us all together.

Friday, December 2, 2011

One Last Chance...


Let us all congratulate our visionary leaders once again for extending the Constituent Assembly term for another six months.

We have already had four comrade prime ministers and four extensions so far, but even a rough draft of the constitution appears nowhere in sight.

The Supreme Court tells our netas that they can’t keep on extending the CA forever. This is their final chance to get things right or go for a referendum.

Else, they can all go back to their home districts and rule like a feudal lord. After all, most of them have been acting like one anyway.

Some of our netas think that the Supreme Court has no right to interfere with them because the CA represents the people and only we, the people can decide what we want to do with the CA rey.

Thanks guys, you do make us proud. Thank you for promoting massive corruption and culture of impunity. It has really helped common folks hagi!

If we were given a chance to decide, then we would rather want local elections and even do away with the national government.

Dr Saheb is competent enough to run the show himself but he needs people for his call center. I think we can hire thousands of young folks if we only got rid of all the mantris.

Let’s just have a Prez to meet foreign ambassadors and share doodh-chiya with the bideshis. And our prime minister can be like a supervisor at the call center, making sure the customer service specialists are taking the calls.

I think that would be really productive than just attending exhibitions and cutting ribbons here and there.

We got rid of Lord Vishnu and thought things would be better. Now, we are stuck with great change makers who seem to be inspired by Lord Voldemort.

The only folks who are better off than they were five years ago are our ‘honest’ netas and ‘competent’ civil servants. For the rest of us, everything from masu to vegetables to micro bus fares go up every year.

Only 508 CA members were present to vote for or against the 601-member CA term extension. Where did the others go? Yes, we don’t have the full 601 top 1% earners in the nation kya. Some of them are in jail for misusing their diplomatic passports. Let’s all feel sorry for them!

Our former Prime Minister Madhav Kumar Nepal and even young turk Gagan Thapa and other ‘Nepali Tyam’ wallahs failed to show up on time and missed the voting session rey.



I guess they were kind of surprised to find the session start at angrezi tyam. But they should all be happy that they will get paid for another six months for not showing up on time anyway.

And no matter what they say about our veteran tennis champ Kamal dai, we have to give it up for the president of the ‘Lord Vishnu’ fan club. He and his friends as always voted against the extension. At least, no one can blame him for being an opportunist. He sticks to his guns and his tennis racquet.

Our thulo netas have signed another (six-point) agreement so that the majority would vote for the extension. I think they could probably save the environment if they just shook hands and maybe hugged each other instead of wasting the laser printer’s toner and paper.

After all, our political parties have never disagreed when it comes to skimming the development budget and they always like to patch up and mint money whenever it comes to them tender sender.

Let us not feel sorry for our police-wallahs in Sudan. They fought the so-called civil war with bamboo sticks and outdated weapons anyway.

Our major political parties have agreed to form a national consensus government within the next two weeks.

Who are we kidding? Wouldn’t things have gone smoothly if our comrade chairman had formed a national consensus government then instead of wasting our taxpayers’ money and three and half years doing nothing but flying around the world?

Dr Saheb had no choice when it came to the formation his jumbo cabinet. That’s what he said and I guess we have to believe him because he has a PhD and only eats roti and saag!

So who gets to head the national consensus government? We already have had four prime ministers and thanks to their inflated-egos, they wouldn’t want to be just a ‘mantri’ anymore.

Since this is the last time, the CA chairman can sell raffle tickets to all his fellow members and we can telecast the ‘PM and mantris’ lucky drawing live on TV. We can ask Jimmy Carter to come back again and pick the winners from the box. At least this time, it would be as fair as it gets.


Published today @ Republica ko 'The Week' .. and thanks for the edit hai... and for those great 'writers' who believe that their work should not be edited... please go @#$! yourself ... hehe!