Friday, December 16, 2011

A B-grade movie

Dr. Saheb has given himself a ‘B’ grade for his overall performance so far as our national team captain. And even Kollywood movies have far better storylines than the nataks we’ve seen since our smarty pants dazzled us with his Mustang ride.

Even though our movie-wallahs haven’t gotten over the Bollywood 80s action-pack masalas, at least the good guy bashes up the villains and wins in the end.

In real life, we have criminals shutting down our cities, grabbing land and government contracts, and the good guy has no choice but to leave for the Middle East to make a few dinars more.

Instead of evaluating oneself and passing off with a Distinction, our competent government should organize SMS voting schemes where we can send in our votes and maybe win some prizes. How about a free government vehicle?

Well, our Supreme Court has ruled that even our so-called VIPs aren’t allowed free rides anymore. So I guess no more SUVs for our thulo manchhes until they bend the rules again.

Maybe, Dr. Saheb can give us a ride in his Mustang Max, with the flags fluttering and security detail and all even if it’s for a day. The grand prize winner can pay for the fuel and chiya kharcha for the security personnel and save some taxpayers’ money.

Dr. Saheb isn’t an angry old man who is going through a later-life crisis like comrade Rambo who dreams of invading India one day. He may not have the same juggling skills like our Comrade Chairman who always has that one crazy magic trick up his sleeves.

He’s just like Ali Baba, and he has his forty thieves. Now, we need a genie, but we don’t know if the genie likes dosas or dumplings.

We all feel sorry in some ways for our smarty pants because he did try to save us a few paisas but ended up costing us billions of Rupees, thanks to his Jumbo Cabinet and the “honest” ministers who have really gone crazy and wealthy with their “commission” nataks.

I think someone should remind our netas that zero tolerance means you’re liable for punishment if you break the rules. But I guess we don’t have any rules here in Nepal. The Supreme Court keeps on issuing verdicts left and right and our netas just don’t care.

Our Judges have banned dowry, caste-based discrimination. Yet our sisters are dying because they failed to bring enough dowry, and our Dalit brothers are murdered in the villages because they eloped with higher-caste girls, or wanted to get a quick smoke from a Thakuri’s kitchen.

Uncle Wen decided to stay home and take care of his backyard. But our netas are going in and around town crying as if Dr. Saheb has disgraced our nation. How the hell did we lose face just because the Chinese Premier decided to postpone his visit to Nepal?

Our netas blame the Home Ministry for not convincing the dumpling gang that we were ready to provide hi-fi security for Uncle Jianbao. Why is everyone after our “honest” Home Minister?

Leave the poor man alone. He has already admitted having a notorious don as his right-hand man. His excuse was that he had only one gunda while the comrades had hundreds.

And he’s also working hard to transfer cops from here to there. I hear his relative will be transferred to Laltipur once the current chief there gets promoted. We can’t blame him for taking care of his friends and family. Nepotism is still here in New Nepal, and maybe our Madhesi liberators can teach us a thing or two about meritocracy someday. So far, they only seem to say “Show me the money!”

Maybe our netas, especially our comrades, can learn from China when it comes to foreign investment, tax breaks and also punishment against adulterated food producers, gangsters and corrupt party officials (who seem to have fallen from grace).

Stalin and Lenin don’t live in Russia anymore. Today, Mao is to China what Elvis is to America. We were hoping for some goody bags from the Chinese and billions of dollars in credit.

I guess that will have to wait for a while. Our netas still have some time to take a crash course on Mandarin 101 and impress Uncle Jianbao when he is here. Even an efficient use of chopsticks and pronouncing “Gan Bei” right will do hola.

Dr. Saheb is ill, again. Let’s all wish him a speedy recovery. He should be the next king of Gorkha if we do disintegrate into 22/24 different kingdoms again. He has probably visited Gorkha more than the all the Shah kings combined. Hisila Didi, please make him a chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side.

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