Let’s Go For A Hike

Our incompetent civil servants want a pay hike.  How about going for a hike to Shivapuri every Saturday  instead of draining our state coffers?   Our spineless government is planning to increase the salaries of the ‘chiya kharcha’ wallahs by 18 to 25% because our lazy bums can’t keep up with inflation. 

What about us?  We are keeping up pretty well despite the corruption, pollution and never-ending frustration while hoping for a new constitution.  Our visionary clowns seem to know more about destruction than reconstruction. And somebody needs to remind our buffoons that the government should be there for common citizens instead of just handing out freebies to civil servants, contractors and cadres.

The micro-wallahs threaten to stay home, drink local moonshine and play cards all day if they don’t get to increase the fares. The Taxi wallahs threaten to park all the 7,000 taxis in the middle of Kathmandu if the government doesn’t raise the taxi meter fares.  

If our cabbies were given the opportunity to write the constitution then they would probably add ‘the right to tweak meters’ as one of the fundamental rights of a cabbie. And now the No Oil Corporation (NOC) is planning to increase the commission to our LPG dealers while they continue to incur losses on them cylinders.

No wonder, the state-owned corporation is in debt while the capitalist pigs are minting money.  But let’s not be too harsh on our capitalist jackals since they too have to contribute millions of Rupees to our political parties. The NOC staff, from peons to hakim sahebs continue to fill their pockets while we have to wait in line for hours to fill up our tanks.

The last time our civil servants  got a pay raise was three years ago. Now, the lazy bums want a minimum wage of at least Rs 20,000 per month.  Yes, they too have to pay them school fees  for their kids and the annual admission fees will break the backs of any parents. They too have to take the Micro to work and the rising food prices affect them as well. 

But the only difference between our civil servants and common citizens is that we have to somehow manage our budget with our monthly paycheck whereas our sarkari chors have hundreds of tricks to extort money from the public.

Instead of increasing their salaries, why not ask the Food Corporation to provide ‘free rice’ for our government employees?  Let us stop sending ‘inedible’ rice to our rural area. Let’s give it to our lazy bums. No, we are not trying to make them sick but they should get the opportunity to taste the stuff that our poor villagers have to eat. If the common citizens can’t get to share the gain then our sarkari hakims should at else get to share their pain.

Our government employees could save some money if they send their kids to public schools. And who knows, maybe then we will have competent teachers and the SLC pass rate at our government schools will shoot up dramatically. All civil servants should only be allowed to seek treatment at government hospitals.  The government will then do something to improve the services at them hospitals and our civil servants can save tons of money on medical bills.  

Hope our beloved President  will ask the Japanese to help our hospitals so that he won’t have to spend millions again to learn more about how the intestine works.

Our Chief Secretary gets like Rs 33,640 per month whereas a peon makes Rs 9,900. But if you add the ‘express service’ fee paid by service seekers in government offices then even a peon will take home at least two or three times his monthly salary.  As the bribes move up the food chain, everybody is happy.  

If you want to get a lucrative posting then you will have to pay lakhs to your hakim saheb. Then the big fish has to pay some more to the minister. The minister will have to set some dough aside for his or her party.  And the party will have to spend it on chiya kharcha for their cadres.  No wonder, our Baidya uncle and the other weaklings want the Khilly crew out so that they can enjoy a ministry or two.

In the past sixty years, we have seen the Shree Tins and the Bada Hakims, the Shree Paanch and the mandaleys, the Kangaroos, the Unidentified Moronic Losers, the Maboadis and other Kha-o-baadis and now the Khilly crew. It doesn’t matter who comes and goes, our civil servants will continue to drive this country down the drain.  

We should have a ‘no work, no pay’ policy for our lazy bums.  Maybe we should have a new ‘Ministry of Timekeeping’ run entirely by volunteers.  If the incompetent fools want to bunk work then they should also be willing to let go of a chunk off their salaries. It’s time we all got together to dismantle the bloated, incompetent and inefficient bureaucracy. 

Be Prepared....

First of all, let us all pray for the victims and their families affected by the floods here in our land and in India as well.  Hundreds of Nepali pilgrims are stranded in India and hope they will come home safely.  We should send a team from the Nepal Army to help bring our folks home.  

I don’t think the Desis would mind a small contingent from the Nepal Army helping their security forces with rescue works. It would be a nice goodwill gesture from our side as well. After all, our army chief is a honorary general of the Desi army and vice versa and both armies recently climbed Everest on a joint expedition. There is certainly too much brotherly love between them two.

Our incompetent government has announced relief packages for the families affected by the floods and landslides in Darchula district. The families will get Rs 35,000 each as immediate relief for now. Let’s hope our sarkari Draculas will not skim off the funds meant for the people of Darchula. 

Instead of announcing cash packages and other nautanki nataks, please deploy the army and provide food, drinking water, medicine and temporary housing to the affected families.

The government has also pledged Rs 500 million for Darchula in the upcoming budget.  The money will probably go to local politicians and contractors whereas those who need it the most will probably get nothing.  Thousands of folks have been displaced in Bardiya district. But I guess it will take another high-level meeting to decide how to help the folks there.

Every year, hundreds lose their lives and thousands are displaced by the monsoon floods but our government and local authorities never prepare for such disasters.  

Nepal Scouts should stop asking our incompetent fools to dress up as scouts. Khilly dai must have forgotten the scout oath he took a few months ago. All of our civil servants and security personnel should join Nepal Scouts and get some training. Maybe then they will take the Scout Motto to heart and ‘Be Prepared’. 

While our folks are suffering from the early monsoon, Lord Rama is in Japan having sushi and getting examined by Japani doctors. His advisors could have done us a favor if they had asked the President to go on Japani TV and send his prayers and love to the families affected by the floods here in Nepal.

It’s a pity that we don’t have experts who deal with black spots in large intestine.  And even the most qualified bunch of quacks decided to recommend the examination of the presidential intestine in Japan or the United States of America.  Maybe the doctors had relatives there and wanted to send a carton of Wai Wai to their loved ones with the President’s entourage.

While common citizens get expired medicines, our clowns get millions of Rupees for treatment overseas. Our beloved President is getting Rs 6 million for his medical checkup. His entourage will also get chiya kharcha as well.  

We could have saved a million or two if he had gone to India instead.  The Desis give us ambulances and school buses all the time. They would have sent an air ambulance for our President for free.  And he would also be not far from home and could watch the Indian monsoon floods live on Desi TV to get a better idea of what is happening in the neighborhood.

Our top veteran tennis player, Kamal Thapa is back again with his ‘I heart Monarchy’ campaign. Somebody needs to remind him that we already have a bunch of mini-Maharajas now. 

And no we are not going back to just one guy spending Rs 60 million a year, we want 601 buffoons spending Rs 601 million. We don’t want a bunch of King’s men making billions, we want thousands of cadres making millions. Yes, let’s spread the love.

After all, if we allow the King to come back to be our chief guest during the jatras in the valley then you and I will never get the opportunity to loot the state coffer again. We need our politicians in the game so that some of us can dream of having rosy cheeks, expanding waistline and billions in foreign banks someday. 

And the way our Nepali Rupee is nose-diving against the US Dollar, don’t be surprised if it hits Rs 100 per dollar soon. If you have a relative in Amrika then do ask them to send you some dinero. 

And this is the best time to export some handicraft or mula ko achar to foreign lands. But we don’t tend to export much stuff but import nearly everything these days.  Maybe we should peg our currency with the Zimbabwean Dollar instead of the Indian currency. Then, we can all be billionaires and enjoy the good life!

SLC Blues...

The SLC results are out and the blame game has begun. Only 41.5% of our SLC candidates managed to pass them exams this year. Our incompetent government has spent Rs 555 billion on them so-called school reform programs since 2003. 

Hope somebody figures out where all the money went? Maybe our hakim sahebs spent all that dough on buying millions of cartons of ‘555’ cigarettes.

Our government spends Rs 32 billion every year on public school teachers. While there may be a few good ones, most of them teachers are busy playing cards and drinking local wine instead of teaching our kids. 

And every year, many public school students don’t even get the required textbooks because the hakim sahebs need to make some money to send their kids to private schools.

Only 30% of public school students passed the SLC exams this year. Our government spends Rs 2.6 million on each public school student every year. I think it’s time we had a Ministry of Transparency and their only job would be to keep all the hisab kitab online for all of us to view. 

We should make it mandatory for all government employees to send their kids to public schools and then our public schools will do better than the private wallahs. 

Not everyone will turn out to be a Baburam. Maybe we should ask the Oxford English Dictionary wallahs to add ‘Baburam’ to its lexicon. A ‘Baburam’ would be someone who is a smart pants and thinks he knows everything but in reality is just another clown who spends billions of Rupees trying to win over other buffoons and party cadres. 

We would be better off, if we let a bunch of farmers run the country instead of incompetent bureaucrats. At least the farmers have worked hard all their lives and will do something to help other farmers in the country. And we could finally get to buy our own apples then spending millions on bideshi ones. 

Khilly Dai and his crew have finally consulted the ‘right’ astrologer. So if you are old enough to vote then you should mark your calendar for November 19.  Lovers should not plan to elope on that day. It’s time to choose the least corrupted person to head your constituency so that he or she can help our clowns finally write the constitution. 

But our clowns have still not agreed on how many freeloaders we need for our Constituent Assembly II. Baidya Uncle doesn’t want to join the bandwagon and his crew will probably show us their ‘hooligan’ skills. 

Our Emperor really wants a two-third majority but he will need lots of cash and his crew will have to display their ‘ninja’ skills when it comes to capturing the booths or making the ballots disappear.

And the man from Dadeldhura had a jolly good time in Delhi. He and his Mrs got to hang out with Sonia auntie, Mickey Mouse Singh  and other Desi clowns. The man who introduced the ‘Pajero Culture’ in this great land of ours will probably help each of our clowns get a helicopter if he gets to be the Prime Monster for the fourth time. 

Deuba tried his best to kiss some Desi arse by telling their media folks that his wife watches Hindi films. Big deal! Maybe the Desis should invite her to their next Filmfare Awards and she can even give a speech on how the Debuas love India and if they get to be the power couple again then millions more will have to leave the country for better employment opportunities.

The Dadeldhura man couldn’t even afford a cup of tea in the late 80s but now acts like a feudal lord. Maybe if he had brought some economic reform programs when he was our PM then millions of Nepalis won’t have to go to India to make a living. 

Instead of telling the Desis how our kids go to schools in their land and how our parents go for religious pilgrimage there… why not open up thousands of medical schools in Nepal and attract like 10 million Desi students who can’t seem to get admission due to demand of hefty donations in their land?

We should all join hands and campaign for ‘Anybody but Deuba’.  Gagan Thapa … Okay but Deuba should go back to Dadeldhura. He’s already made more than he can gorge on. Just go back to your village, build a Mahal and declare yourself a Maharaja! After all, he is already married to a Maharani. She could do us all a big favor is she moved her school to Dadeldhura and helped the kids there. But please don’t charge them outrageous fees like you do to our parents in the capital.

The losers strike again

The losers of the week award goes to our men in blue who have once again shown us that they are nothing but a bunch of savages.  It seems like the only job for those who have sworn to protect the public is to prey on them instead. Our successive governments have failed to prioritize police reform and have instead used our chor-police to attack common citizens.

Once again our police wallahs have made us proud by not discriminating against anyone.  They will not leave anyone from Tibetan refugees to former Kamlaris alone. It doesn’t matter if the protestors are young or old or bold or beautiful or if you are wearing Prabal Gurung or a Britney Spears t-shirt from the street hawker in Sundhara. 

Nepal Police have become loyal servants of those in power since the beginning of time. Maybe our IGP saheb should change the training manual before he retires. The existing manual must have chapters on how to use foul language, harass common citizens verbally and physically and ways to rob and rape vulnerable women. 

Maybe our bideshi donors should send their over-paid consultants to train our chor-police on how to handle protestors.  Where are our naari organizations when we need them. What happened to great dames like  Arzoo didi and Bandana didi? Them ladies seem to get lots of funding from the kuireys to fight violence against women but I guess they are busy attending conferences around the world. Instead of just going on foreign junkets and telling the bideshi how our women are oppressed, why not take to the streets and help the real women to fight oppression.

Where are our ‘Occupy Baluwatar’ people?  Standing around, waving placards will not make our incompetent government to listen to our demands. Shutting down the highways will only make it worse. We must ask our mothers and sisters to join the Kamlaris and arm themselves with brooms, sticks and whatever they can get. It’s time to fight back police brutality. 

It’s a shame that our police wallahs dragged our former Kamalris and some were even molested and robbed. Where were our women police wallahs? If Nepal Police doesn’t have enough women personnel then this would be the good time to recruit a thousand more so that we don’t have to watch the men in blue lay their hands on women protestors. Where is the @#$!ing outrage? Where is Khilly dai and his bunch of  incompetent bureaucrats?

All of our political parties have their women organizations. Where are our women leaders?  Maybe they are busy working on their speeches for the next convention. Our netri-nis like Sujata and Bidhya didis have done nothing to help women in this country. Instead they have helped themselves with all you can eat buffet while they were heading ministries.

Our clowns are still fighting over how many buffoons can enjoy the buffet in the new Constituent Assembly. We wasted billions of Rupees on 601 good-for-nothing lazy bums. Now, the Kangaroos and unidentified moronic losers want to downsize to 491 freeloaders. Well, that would at least save us a few millions. When will we have competent folks who will refuse to take a dime for their time from the state coffer?  Instead of writing the constitution, our buffoons were selling their own diplomatic passports and what not.

Our Foreign Ministry wants Rs 750 million to buy luxury vehicles for them big-wigs for the SAARC Summit. Yes, we will be hosting them sharks sometime in 2014 and all them leaders from the neighborhood will need to ride around in bullet-proof Mercedes Benz.  We should go green and will be saving millions if we can get rickshaws. Instead of purchasing bullet-proof vehicles, why not ask them VIPs to bring their own bullet-proof vests and maybe a full-body armor?  

Maybe, we could save all that money if we hosted the summit during the monsoon season. We can then take them heads of states around the city on boats. We have failed to become the next Singapore or Switzerland. Maybe, we can try to be the next Venice.

Baidya uncle and his crew have decided to halt their protest programs during the monsoon season. They do not want the farmers to suffer or maybe they just don’t have enough funds to buy enough gumboots and raincoats for their cadres. The angry birds have been having a tough time collecting money and muscles for their protest programs.  

They could do us a favor if they gathered all their cadres and armed them with buckets. And when it rains and our streets are flooded, they can jump into action and clear the streets.  That would certainly win the hearts and minds of the valley residents. Then we wouldn’t mind pitching in a Rupee or two for their chiya-paan karyakarams. But no shutting down the country, please!

The Republic

Our  clowns, civil servants and foreign hands celebrated Republic Day in Tundhikhel whereas the rest of us were busy calculating how much we have been ripped off in the past six years.  It’s about time somebody changed the venue and organized a carnival instead.  Why should only our incompetent civil servants and good for nothing netas celebrate government holidays?

Our government can take a few ideas from Chindia. Look at how them Dosa and Dumpling wallahs celebrate their Republic Day. We might not have any missiles or special military hardware to display like our neighbors but it would be nice if we could shut down the ring road area and organize a carnival instead.  

While our incompetent fools celebrate in Tundhikhel, the common folks can all walk to the Ring Road areas and enjoy momos. The young ones can get their face painted while the old ones can enjoy some old hits from yesteryear.

This year’s Republic Day coincided with the 60^th anniversary of the first ascent of Everest. We should have made a giant Everest cake and gathered all valley residents along the Ring Road area and sung the National Anthem. That would have gotten us two Guinness World Records in a day.

We know that our government doesn’t  have any funds for the public because most of it are skimmed off and distributed to political cadres, shady contractors and of course their near and dear ones But it’s about time our clowns stopped wasting taxpayers money by organizing special functions in Tundhikhel.  They could have at least given each of us a flag and we could have at least planted it on our roof-tops or vehicles or walked around town waving it.

While the evil doers get to sit inside and enjoy the same old circus acts from the Nepal Army, the real jantas are outside the gates, dreaming of the day when they would be sitting on the VIP seats. Maybe, the government should build another ground to host such events somewhere outside the ring road area and Tundhikhel can be a playground for the people.

The President can have his tea party but why not give us all a packet of milk, a few tea bags and a cup of sugar. Then, we can organize our own tea party at home and thank the government for at least providing us something.

We managed to get rid of an absolute ruler and expected our lives to get better. Well, are we better off than we were six years ago?  The only folks who are making the moolah are our corrupt clowns, incompetent civil servants and shady contractors. Not much has changed since Tenzing Dai and Hillary climbed Everest sixty years ago.  The players have changed but the system still remains the same.

We thought our comrades would be different. But they turned out to be the same as the previous clowns.  Karl Marx must be probably rolling in his grave.  While the crooked clowns enjoy the good life, the rest of us have to deal with rising food prices and shortages of other essential goods.

It’s been six years and we don’t have a King anymore but now we have a bunch of mini Mahrajas. Maybe in a few years, we will go back to the same old 22-24 kingdoms and then some guy or a wonder woman can think of uniting us again.

More than 130 political parties have applied for registration with the Election Commission.  Maybe we should save billions of Rupee in conducting the CA election and just give a seat each to all them parties. The four major circus companies can divide the rest for themselves.

But Baidya Uncle and his crew don’t have any plans to register their party. I guess they are not planning to contest the upcoming CA election. It’s either the lack of muscles and money or they just want to sit on the sidelines and throw stuff at the players just like our Nepali football fans do at the National Stadium.

It’s a shame that our clowns can’t seem to agree on anything except when it comes to sharing the loot.  And the Professionals’ Alliance for Peace and Democracy (PAPAD) decided to boycott the Republic Day event and instead went to New Baneshwor and did their protest natak. Well, it’s a little too late to be acting crazy. Maybe they should change the name to JHAPAD and that could probably scare a few of our clowns to straighten up their act.

It’s much easier when we just have one guy to fight against. Now, we are dealing with hundreds of hooligans. It’s more or less like them zombie movies. Khilly, Lok Man and the rest of the new crew members are not here to save the day. We really need a Super Hero to save the Republic!