Votes and Notes

Christmas is a government holiday in Nepal. For Christians, it is the celebration of the birth of Christ. Churches around the country will celebrate Christmas mass while those who are not Christians will celebrate by wearing Santa hats and drinking till one drops on the floor or dead depending on the volume of alcohol consumed. 

Christmas decorations and celebration is a big thing in Asian countries as well. I think our byaparis at Durbar Marg should have organized a street festival for Christmas where a dozen Santa Claus sing songs of peace and joy even though the situation in this beautiful land of ours is completely the opposite. Our Santas should then distribute cooking gas cylinders, drums of petrol and cooking oil to lucky attendees.

It would have been nice if Oli had dressed up as Santa Claus and visited temporary shelters across the country to distribute gifts to our children. But of course, our politicians want to stay as far away as possible from the common folks. 

Obama can shake hands and carry a baby or two. Well, now it's the turn of Hillary and other rednecks like Trump and his fellow Republicans to do their nataks but our politicians should learn a thing or two from the Western clowns. 

Christmas is not only religious but cultural celebration around the world as well.

Well, there are few countries that have banned Christmas and Kamal Thapa would love to join them if he becomes our Prime Monster some day. And don't be surprised if Mandaleys do become our Prime Monster. I guess Kamal Dai should continue to waste our taxpayers money by visiting as many countries as possible before this government falls down.

Anything is possible in politics. Look at our greatest comedian of all time, KP Oli. Our verbal warrior has now added half a dozen ministers in his cabinet. We now have 40 con artists and in a month or two, he will break Dr Saheb's record of 48 good for nothing freeloaders wasting our taxpayers' money by running around town as mantris.

Oli wants to return the favor to all those who voted for him during the PM contest. It doesn't matter if those political parties that cast their votes for Oli have only a seat or two in the House.

Ek Nath Dhakal is a minister again. His party has only two seats. Mr. Dhakal is the front man for the Moonies. With due respect to our Christian brothers and sisters in this land but how can a member of a Christian Cult become a mantri while genuine Christians have to defend their faith everywhere they go? 

It's all about money in this land. If Mrs Golcha can pay 7 Karods to be a CA member then just imagine how much a politician will have to pay the Prime Monster to become a mantri. Mr. Dhakal has already served as a minister during our Dr Saheb's 'road expansion' regime. He must have paid a billion Rupees then and he must be paying someone today as well. After all, he gets the dough from the Koreans. 

If we need a Christian politician to be in our cabinet then find a true believer who has fought for religious freedom in this land. There are hundreds of pastors who were prosecuted during the Panchey days. 

We have more religious freedom now but to be a Christian during the Mandaley days was like being ready to be tortured and then disappeared by the state. Yes, our Panchey regime did not like Christians and they had the same feeling for Congressis and Communists as well. 

But of course, our Congressis had all the fun and took this country down the drain. It did not even leave our state enterprises alone when they went on a looting spree. The Chinese gave us those trolley buses. The Japanese gave us those Sajha Buses. Our Nepal Airlines was flying to more than half a dozen international destinations. 

The government had their own brick, cement and tyre factories. Now, twenty five years later, we have either nothing or those enterprises are just bare skeleton of what they used to be in their hey days while they lose billions of Rupees each year and the staff get paid for sun bathing.

Our Communists got to rule for less than a year then and they were no different. But two decades later, with the King gone, our communists have been in power more than the Congressis. And they have turned out to be no different from other clowns or even the Pancheys. The people have always come last while only party cadres, cousins and contractors are on the top of the list for our politicians.

Yes, you need to distribute lots of notes to win elections in this land. And then you need to offer more notes to the ruling coalition if you want to become a mantri. Oli is also breaking up two ministries to form another two. Now, we will have a separate Ministry of Population and Environment and another Ministry of Sanitation and Drinking Water. Do we really need these two new ministries?

Our folks are already having fewer babies and in the next fifty years, we will have more senior citizens than young lads and ladies.  We are number one when it comes to the environment. We have no power for half the day and we don't use fossil fuel which really helps Mother Earth. 

But of course our government's policy of distributing wood may have contributed an increase of 0.01% pollution but it's not that bad as the Desi and Dumpling industries across our borders who pollute like crazy. The Americans and the Europeans contribute more than half when it comes to destroying this planet with their big polluting industries. 

At least here at home, we have to thank the Madhesi parties for the blockade and helping to shut down most of the industries in the land. And let us not forget to thank our major political parties and their trade unions for strangling the industries that seem to somehow operate even under these dire circumstances. We are not only helping the environment but also narrowing down our trade deficit with India.

Nepal Army saved us 40 Karods with their biskoot deal while Oli Swamy will waste the same amount by adding these two new ministries. Good Job! Our politicians really know how to loot state treasury and we are to blame for it because we are the ones who have elected these pick pockets. After all, what more can you expect from these thieves who know only how to rip off the public in this New Republic!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Family comes First!

Our honorable Home Minister Shakti Basnet has shown us all that he is no different from the rest of the clowns who have become mantris in our land. I think we need to remind our Home Ministry wallahs that their job is to provide security to the public, maintain law and order in this land and make sure that those affected by natural disasters get taken care of by the government.

But it seems that the Home Ministry has other priorities like harassing our own folks at the immigration counter at TIA and making sure that the government employees at our District Administration Offices across the country slack off and give a hard time to service seekers for no apparent reason. 

Instead of protecting our highways and borders, the Home Ministry only protects the netas and their residences.  Instead of going after crooks, our Home Ministry makes sure that black marketers make all the money but if they don't pay the thulo mancheys then our police wallahs confiscate the goods and make some money anyway.

Instead of apologizing to the country, Shaktiman apologized to his comrades for sending his relatives to China for a nice vacation in the name of earthquake survivors. I don't think he has done anything wrong by sending his daughters and granddaughters of our Emperor to try out some dim sum and learn how to use chopsticks. 

After all, we all  need to broaden our horizon and foreign trips certainly helps our netas and their children to see the jhili-mili and modernization there and then dream of looting more to fund their privileged lifestyle.

Our politicians have no shame. They have no morals. It seems that being able to loot the state treasury and give free foreign trips to your loved ones brings honor to the netas. Some of our former mantris have been to jail and fined millions of Rupees. 

When they are released, a dozen cadres welcome them with garlands and abir as if the corrupt clown just came back from a successful trip to Mars. Let's hope that Elon Musk will someday colonize Mars and we can send all our netas, civil servants and con artists for a life-time vacation there.

The CIAA has forced our former molester mantri Hari Parajuli to refund 2.6 lakhst he had misused to send his son to Australia to try some chocolate milk. Why do our freeloaders think that they must waste our taxpayers' money on foreign trips for themselves and their dear ones instead of spending it for the people back home? 

And when they are out of power, they want freebies such as vehicles, security, chiya kharcha and what not. 

Our Oli government wants to provide lifetime free gift hampers to our VVIPs. Well, all our successive governments have been trying to provide such perks to our thulo mancheys. They are not ashamed that they make millions in bribes and still need more when they are no longer in power. 

Our former Prime Monsters and other VVIPs continue to drive around in luxury vehicles and get free fuel and chiya kharcha. If you have already made billions of Rupees from kickbacks and other shady deals then why the hell do you still need a few lakh Rupees a month from the state?  

And now our CIAA wallah has asked the government to suspend APF Chief Shaab because they believe that he had made millions of Rupees by faking bills and taking kickbacks from vendors.  IGP Onta is not alone. Most of our so-called senior level police officers and Army generals all make Karods from vendors who supply stuff to our security agencies. 

Nepal Army now wants to save Rs 40 Karods by buying biskoots and stuff directly from the companies instead of third party supplier. I guess our byaparis who make easy money from such contracts are not too happy. Our Defence Mantri must be pissed off as well. Hope our Nepal Army Chief Shaab will use the savings for housing for our soldiers so that they won't have to live in bunkers across the country.

If we are able to get refunds from all our netas who have misused the state funds for overseas trips then we could have enough funds to develop a 1,000 MW hydropower project. Maybe that could end our load shedding problem in this land.

You know that winter is here when our No Electricity Authority (NEA) decides to increase load shedding hours. Our Energy Minister promised us that we will have power for lunch and dinner but I guess he really doesn't know how our NEA works. 

The folks at NEA buy faulty transformers so that they can make some money. They are not in a hurry to develop more hydropower projects to get rid of load shedding but they are always in a hurry to provide license to dalals both domestic and foreign and make some chiya kharcha. 

All we need is just a thousand MW and we will get electricity for 24 hours a day. Our government can't afford to spend a billion dollars so that we can save five if we have power all the time and then won't have to spend so much on fuel, inverters and cooking gas.

Why do we need foreign companies and investors? Why can't we raise a billion dollars on our own. We have more than 3 million folks overseas. I am not an economist or some financial expert but we must have at least half a million here at home who can afford to pitch in a lakh if the government is willing to ask us to invest in a hydropower project in our own land. 

Our migrant workers overseas can contribute their one month salary and us here at home and contribute our share. Let's raise a billion dollars and maybe in a few years if we don't have to pay off a dozen political parties and civil servants then we might finally be load shedding free by 2020.

But of course, Oli the great comedian has promised us that we will be load shedding free by next year. Either he is lying or is busy smoking something that makes one go crazy. By next year, Oli won't be in Baluwatar and of course we all know that we will continue to have more than 12 hours of load shedding every winter until all of our NEA's transformers explode. 

Then, we will have no power at home and we will all have to burn our own furniture and then bank notes to stay warm in winter as we can't even afford to buy anything that the black market offers. 

Dear chor netas, think about the people first. Yes, we all need to take care of our families but instead of only taking care of your near and dear ones, please take care of the people too. Without us, you won't be able to play politics and be in power. If we are no longer here then who will you rule over, exploit and extort? 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Desi Magic

Our politicians have been telling us that we should not bow down and let the Desis walk all over us. They tell us to be patriotic and stand tall in spite of shortages of everything due to the blockade. 

Yes, we the common folks should stay in line for the whole day and get a few liters of fuel while our politicians and civil servants get to fill up their tanks, get enough cooking gas to last them months and not worry about anything.

The Shree Tins left the building more than sixty years ago but our corrupt clowns and lazy civil servants seem to be inspired by them. Our netas continue to act like they own this country and they can do as they please. 

They are all above the law while common folks have to face laathis and boots from our security personnel if we dare to speak up and demand that law be equal to everyone.

When we look at our police wallahs, we see them as private security guards for 

our politicians and civil servants instead of serving and protecting the people. We see them as the ones who loot fuel and cooking gas cylinders meant for the people. 

When we look at our civil servants, we see them as inefficient lazy bums who have build mansions in the capital through bribes from the service seekers. When we look at our politicians, we see them as corrupt clowns who only know how to loot the state treasury to satisfy the needs of their cadres and cousins.

Now, everybody is optimistic that the blockade will end soon and we will get to celebrate Christmas and New Year in full swing. Yes, let us all thank the Desis for sponsoring a tour package for our Madhesi netas. I hope our great Madhesi superheroes enjoyed the dinner and hospitality showered upon them by the folks in Delhi. 

Our Madhesi netas tell us that they will be flexible and sit for talks to resolve the crisis. But of course nobody wants to bend backwards and lose face. Everybody wants to save face and tell their own cadres and con artists that they won. 

Our netas seem to forget that it is the government's responsibility to provide basic needs of the people. But here in this beautiful land of ours, the government is here not to help the people or develop this land. 

It is here to extort and exploit the people so that those in power can make millions while millions of our folks have no choice but to go overseas to make a few Dinars more. 

Our politicians can’t sort their problems at home and need to seek help from the Desis to resolve the current crisis. If we look back at history, we have to admit that it has always been the Desis who have played a role in bringing back Monarchy or Morons or Maoists to Kathmandu so that they can loot us all. 

Our Madhesi netas are the same. Most of them have been ministers in previous government and we all know that they made millions except the folks at the CIAA.

If it weren't for them, our late King Tribby would not be the father of Democracy then. If it weren't for them, our late Ganesh Man Bajey would not have been the father of Democracy forty years later. And don't be surprised if we get a new person to be our father again in 2030. 

I think we need a mother to lead us to prosperity and that could happen only if our Madame President tells Oli that he and his lawmakers should make sure that our CIAA is under the President instead of being under our government. If the CIAA is only answerable to the President then our politicians would not be able to pull strings to stop investigations of themselves.

Ganesh Thapa is a crook. Even FIFA thinks so and has banned him for life and fine 20 lakhs. But he has made billions of Rupees and he is safe in this land because the CIAA or other government agencies will not go after him. He is a lawmaker. He must have voluntary donated millions of Rupees to every major political party while he was the King at ANFA. No wonder, the CIAA wallahs can't find any evidence of wrongdoing. 

And now our CIAA wallahs have made us all proud by starting investigations against 40 thulo mancheys. The CIAA invites them to give their statement and after a month or two, they will tell us that they could not find any evidence of corruption and abuse of power. Why only Krishna Bahadur Mahara and not our Emperor who seem to own dozen of industries and commercial complexes in the country?

We all know that Gopal Bahadur Khadka, the guy at No Oil Corporation (NOC) is a crook but I guess he will be left alone after all this is over. You can't be heading a public corporation until you have paid someone else to get the job. And you have to find ways to recover your money as soon as you begin your tenure. 

That has been the story for all our civil servants and directors at public enterprises. Even our politicians do the same. You borrow, extort and some even sell their land to stand up for elections. 

If you become a mantri then you got to make ten times more than what you spent in the span of six months because you never know when the coalition government will collapse and you will have no access to state treasury after that.

So let us all take to the streets and demand that our incompetent lawmakers get together and allow the CIAA to be under the President's authority. Maybe then, we will be able to finally get the big sharks instead of minnows. 

And if we really need some Desi help then we can ask their Income Tax wallahs to visit Nepal and train our civil servants on how to send chills down the spine of corrupt clowns when they carry out raids.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Wealth is Health

Our grandfathers used to tell us that if you are healthy then you are wealthy. I guess what they meant was that if you are in shape then you can always work hard and be successful. And honesty is also an important factor in your success as well.

But when it comes to our good for nothing politicians in this country, it is completely the opposite.  For us to expect our politicians to be honest is like asking a five-year old to stay put and not move an inch while you make him or her sit on a bora full of candies.

Most of our clowns are obese due to state perks and bribes. Most of them seem to suffer from high blood pressure and other ailments that come with drinking too much milk tea in the morning and Black Label in the evening. 

We have yet to find a politician who suffers from gastric problems. But of course, tons of red meat and bottles of bidheshi whiskey will mostly likely trouble your heart and liver.

I guess it would be better if our government serves alcoholic beverages and chicken chilly during the so-called talks between our ruling clowns and our great Madhesi netas. I think we will have a deal by the evening and India will not prevent the trucks from entering our land. 

But of course, we must not blame India. That would piss off our Madhesi Maharajas. Instead of going to Delhi, shaking hands with a lady and eating Samosas, Kamal Thapa should hop on a chariot and head to Birgunj and hold talks there. 

Health-wise, our politicians are not in good shape and when they suffer from various major illnesses, they just ask the state to foot their bill. Yes, let the taxpayers pay for the air ambulances and treatment at hospitals overseas while common folks spend their life savings.

Our former Prime Monster SuKo has spent more than 2 Karods from the state treasury to visit Amrika for his medical treatment. Our current PM Oli is not far behind. He has spent more than a Karod. 

Thanks to the blockade, our hospitals are running out of medicines but our incompetent government does not seem to care at all. Well, our hakim sahebs, mantris and so-called VVIPs don’t have to worry about medicines or other daily essential goods.

No Oil Corporation (NOC) seems to have enough fuel only for our politicians. These buffoons have no shame to drive around the capital with their usual APF wallahs. Our IGP saheb should also check on his fellow police wallahs. 

My local gas dealer received 70 cylinders of half-filled cooking gas a few weeks ago. He didn't even call the cops but they showed up anyway and acted like they were helping him to manage the queue but then our police wallahs in civil dress managed to hoodwink everyone and made off with eight cylinders.

It seems that Dashain is still in full swing for our police wallahs. The men and women in blue at major checkpoints in the valley are making a killing. Either they confiscate the fuel or ask for chiya kharcha from our black marketers. 

I think our Nepal Police should set up a separate hotline. Yes, just dial 420 and order ten liters of petrol for Rs 300 and a cylinder of gas for Rs 8,000.  Add a little extra so that the police van can deliver it at your home.  

Well, we can’t blame the constables and Hawaldars for asking for recharge cards and chiya kharcha. They too have to deliver most of the confiscated fuel and gas cylinders to their hakim sahebs. 

I think our CDO sahebs in the valley can do us a great favor if the confiscated cooking gas cylinders and fuel could be distributed through a lottery system. The lucky ones will get to drive around the city for a week and have enough cooking gas to last them a month or two. 

The unlucky ones can share a ride with the winners and maybe visit their homes for at least one fully-cooked meal of dal, bhat and some masu. Yes, let us help each other out in any way possible.

We don’t know when the never-ending talks between our Madhesi superheros and the Mandaley-Maoist-Maaley-Morons will end and we will get to sleep in peace and not worry about where to get our daily essentials goods. This week, we came to know how much our current ruling clowns have in their banks. 

Our comedian KP Oli has only seven lakhs in the bank and everything else is in his wife's name. I guess it's the communist thing to get married to a rich man's daughter and get everything in dowry. Kamal Dai has a few luxury vehicles and 110 tolas of gold. I guess he plans to donate his gold to Pashupatinath someday.  

Top Bahadur, our Energy Minister must have everything else except electric cookers because his promise to at least give us some electricity for lunch and dinner turned out to be another joke. Our government is a big joke and our mantris and civil servants are the ones who seem to be writing funny one-liners to entertain us during such crisis. 

Thank you Nepal Government for increasing the load shedding hours. I think it is better if we do it like our Muslim brothers and sisters during Ramadan. Instead for only a month, let's make it a year-long celebration of prayers and fasting from sunrise to sunset.  

Let us pray that we will not lose our minds and go crazy. Let us eat only one meal a day at midnight. The local butcher can make some sekuwa. We can ask the local pasaley to pitch in a bora of daal, rice and aloo. Let's do it like during the days when we were all in tents after the aftershocks. Let's use our open spaces to operate communal kitchens and share our food with each other. 

Our incompetent government will not help us. Our opportunist Madhesi netas think it is better to starve us all instead of asking us for our help to join in their protest programs. Comrade Biplab has made us all proud by shutting down the country to protest the shut down in Terai. 

What's next?  Don't be surprised if our Emperor Prachanda somehow uses his magic tricks to bring in the Madhesi and Kangaroos on board and then he gets to live in Baluwatar again. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com