The Rising Dollar

Except for our dear old Nepali Rupee, everything seems to be rising these days. Our Rupee is on a freefall and we can do nothing about it because we are tied up with the Desi Rupee.  So unless the Dosa wallahs do something to stop the Rupee from crashing further, we have no choice but to ask our relatives to send us dollars now so that we can buy some onions.

Maybe, we have to break free from all this pegging natak and just go for devaluation. Then we might be as worth as much as the Zimbabwean dollar. Yes, it will be a little tough for a while because you will have to get used to paying for a kg of mutton in lakhs and not a thousand or two. 

So if we were to go for devaluation, then a cup of tea will then probably cost a thousand Rupees and most of us won’t be blaming the doodh chiya for our gastric problems because we will be thinking twice before buying a cup at the local chiya pasal. 

Maybe half the population is lactose intolerant and they just don’t know it or don’t want to admit it or don’t really care. And the other half suffers from blood sugar problems. The Japanese have their Miso soup and it’s about time, we start our day with Sisno soup and be a healthy nation.

During the winter, we can even use our devalued bank notes to keep ourselves warm because the load shedding hours will only go up.  Our clowns and civil servants want us to help save Mother Earth by consuming as less power as we can, while they go around embezzling funds by buying faulty transformers so that we have even less power.

The CIAA is busy trying to get to the bottom of the Rs 410 million scam at Nepal Electricity Authority (NEA).  We should not blame our electricity wallahs. It’s the same old natak with nearly all government agencies. 

Nepal Police bought faulty Armored Personnel Carriers (APCs) and we found some of our police wallahs and a few dalals guilty. But our CIAA folks could not find any evidence linking our former home ministers and other top freeloaders to the Sudan scam. And Lokman and his side-kicks will also not find any politicians guilty with the new scam either.

If Lokman really wants to be our ‘Superman’ then he should just go after our netas’ personal assistants. All we need to do is bring in the PAs and their black books. They must have a record somewhere. Either we have the smartest con artists in this land of ours or nobody has the courage to point the fingers at our clowns. 

Our corrupt civil servants and contractors are more than happy to spend a few years in jail and pay the fine than bring down our clowns. Hope someday, we will have a whistleblower or two who will help to disclose all the dirty little schemes our clowns have cooked so far to keep us down.

It’s time we do something to cut down our trade deficit. Why do we need to buy all them smartphones, automobiles, gold and other stuff that we really don’t need.  Why do you need a smartphone with all them features that you will most likely never use? 

And if our telecom operators continue with their network problems then it would be more affordable to train a pigeon to deliver your hand-written messages than trying to call someone for an hour or days. Or if you can’t find a well-trained pigeon right away then just walk to the other person’s house and talk to him or her. All the walking will probably keep you fit as well. 

We are getting hit by a big one soon. It would be wise to have your earthquake survival kit ready because your smartphone won’t be working then and there will be no roads to drive your SUV and you can’t carry your gold as you head to the hills to get out of the valley. 

But of course, we are not worried about any quakes right now. Some of us are worried about having to pay more for all them gadgets they don’t need while some of us are happy that our near and dear ones will be sending us more dough thanks to the rising dollar.

The only folks who can afford to buy a tola of gold are the ones who have their loved ones in the West. For the rest of us, we are left to worry with patches of mold in our household thanks to the monsoon. 

And some of us might have to sell the last tola of gold to get rid of the mold and maybe buy a sack of onions and a kg of mutton for Dashain because only our byaparis know what the price of them stuff will be by then.

So, if you have relatives in the West or the Middle-East or anywhere except the SAARC region, then better ask for your Dashain Dakshina now while the Dollar is hot and the Rupee is not.

Code of Conduct

The Election Commission wallahs came out with the code of conduct for our clowns  a month ago but it is very unlikely that our freeloaders will abide by it.  If our political parties followed the election code of conduct religiously then our land would be heaven on Earth. Our clowns would no longer blame each other for the mess we are in. 

They would not be flying to chimeki lands to kiss foreign asses and receive blessings from the dosa and dumpling gangs.Instead of threatening to unleash their rapid cadres against each other, they would be talking about finding common ground to resolve the political crisis.

Now, our Emperor is back to the same old nautanki natak of threatening everyone that he and his courtiers would revolt if them war-era cases are revived.  Does that mean our comrades will be going back to the Jungle whereas the top leaders will be flying back to Delhi? 

If that’s the case then we will have the Baidya ba’s angry birds and our Emperor’s crew fighting for the jungle trail and highways. And all our truck wallahs will have to pay the government tax, the angry bird tax and the Emperor’s tax to supply the goods to Kathmandu.  

The byaparis will just jack up the price and it’s always the common citizens who will have to suffer.

But of course, no one’s going back to the jungle any time soon.  Our Emperor and Dr. Saheb aren’t going back to some apartment in Gurgaon and  Noida and wait for the Desi wallahs to come up with another peace agreement when they are already having fun enjoying the piece of the loot.  

They started off with looting banks and then it was the state treasury and what’s next? If our comrades had an ounce of creativity then they could have made Rolpa and Rukum, a tourism destination for all commies.  

Whatever happened to the ‘Guerilla Trek’ launched by our Nepal Tourism Board wallahs last year?  Our comrades could have attracted a million left-wing, wannabe revolutionaries from the West for a month-long trek to Rolpa and Rukum. 

And instead of extortion and other shady business deals, the party could make millions of dollars by employing their own cadres along the trekking routes. Our Emperor should have been made the chief host as he waits by some martyrs gate to offer a 100-kg garland to each foreign tourist visiting the region. 

But of course, nobody is interested to make money the hard way when all you need to do is send your cadres to the contractors’ office and get a commission from the government contracts. And our byaparis evade taxes so that they can voluntary donate millions to our political parties.

Our great IGP at Nepal Police had recently rolled out some kind of a code of conduct for the men and women in blue but nobody seems to be in a hurry to follow it. We still see our police officers using their mobile phones while on duty. 

We still have the usual beer-belly hawaldars who last passed a fitness test when he joined the force and common citizens have to deal with foul-mouthed and unprofessional constables every day. 

It’s about time somebody remind our cops and government officials that it is our taxpayers’ money that funds their salaries and it would be nice if bidhesis send a team of consultants to teach our savages a thing or two about professionalism and common courtesy.

And now the Higher Secondary Education Board (HSEB) wallahs want to enforce their own code of conduct for our 10+2 schools. HSEB came out with the rules a year ago but I guess they just woke up from a deep slumber. No mobiles, bikes or miniskirts for our young 10+2 students.   

Maybe HSEB should provide each student a GPS watch and their parents can monitor their whereabouts.  How about free public transportation for our 10+2 wallah?. And yes, miniskirts should be banned because it has been found to have created  a lot of traffic accidents in the past.

All 10+2 schools must have them dress code.  Maybe HSEB should look into schools that are doing just fine without the dress code. I think HSEB should fine the schools instead of the kids if everyone is bunking and bouncing around town instead of attending classes.

And who will make sure our young ones abide by the code of conduct?  It’s our very own Nepal Police.  It’s about time we have a separate police department to make sure that our police wallahs abide by their own code of conduct. Until then, please keep Nepal Police away from our schools. 

Most of the adults are already scared of those who have to sworn to protect us. Let us not traumatize our young ones by allowing them to experience the ‘verbal and physical’ abuse from the great men and women in blue.  Our kids don’t need a code of conduct. It’s the civil servants and our clowns who need it the most.  First, let them follow theirs and then our kids can follow suit.

Clowns get ready for the circus act!

Baidya Ba threatened to deploy 10 of his angry birds at each polling station during the upcoming constituent assembly (CA) election. And now our Emperor wants to deploy  200 Young Crazy Lovers (YCL) at go wild at each polling station. It’s all about numbers.  

In this land of ours, the magic formula for political nataks is that the more cadres you can deploy, the merrier it gets. I hope our comrades will show us their song and dance routine instead of using sticks and bricks to bash each other up. 

Our Kangaroos and unidentified moronic losers don’t want to stay out of the ‘show of strength’ game. They also plan to deploy their juvenile delinquents to make sure they grab a few ballots when things go crazy. 

Tarun Dal and Youth Force wallahs should begin practicing their Kung Fu skills. These both parties seem to have the most mundrey gundas. I hope they will cut their hair and leave their earrings at home before entering the battle zone or else it will be easier for our comrades to pull their hair and ears during a brawl.

Talking about election, Ganesh Thapa is all set to be elected as All Nepal Football Association (ANFA) President again. Thapa has been running the show at ANFA since 1994. A lot of things have changed since then but it seems to make no difference to Thapa. 

We had a constitutional monarchy then.  Late King Birendra used to walk from his palace to visit his daughter in Thamel while Girija Babu was having fun doling out jobs and state funds to his cadres. 

Then, a decade later, we had Gyanu Uncle running the show while Sheroo from Dadeldhura was busy playing his didgeridoo. His near and dear ones had some piece of the fun while most of us were praying for peace.

And now,  instead of a King we have a Khil but Ganesh Thapa is still the ‘man’ who controls the ball and all the funds.  Here in this land of ours, the slimy ones who have the money and the muscles will get to run the show whereas the good folks can do nothing but cry out load until their throat get hoarse.  

The only two folks who control the money and muscles at their respective organizations are our Thapa Kaji and the great Emperor. The only difference is that Thapa is minting money in the name of football whereas our Emperor is turning this country into a football.

It’s about time we had a term limit at ANFA. A two-term limit should be enough for anyone who wants to accomplish something in football.  Thapa has been having fun with funds from FIFA for nearly two decades. We should have churned out a couple of Messis and Ronaldos by now. 

It might be much easier to send a Nepali to Moon than qualify for the football World Cup but we should at least beat our SAARC chimekis and win the regional tournament now and then.  

The CIAA is busy investigating financial irregularities in government agencies. They went after senior officials at Nepal Electricity Authority for buying substandard stuff and embezzling millions of Rupees. They are now after folks at Nepal Telecom.  Nepal Oil Corporation must be on the list for next week.

Last year, Thapa’s son was in the news for receiving US$ 100,000 from the then President of Asian Football Confederation.  Our CIAA wallahs had started a probe but like every other investigation, it must have disappeared into thin air.  Thapa is not going away anytime soon. 

We should give the man some credit because he was a prolific goal scorer for the national football team during his time but it’s time for Thapa to step aside and let others run ANFA.  But like our Emperor, Thapa too doesn’t want to leave the building.

Lokman, the man unfit to hold any public jobs now heads the CIAA and he’s busy running after everybody except our politicians. After all, he is not going to rock the boat by going after the ones who put him there.  

And now,  if you are driving around Kathmandu in a Range Rover then you better start hiding your gold in your backyard and don’t forget to withdraw all your funds and store it in a bora and put it inside your water tankie. 

If our CIAA wallahs really want to do their job then they should haul in all our clowns from major political parties and investigate their accounts. After all, our political parties get a share of all the funds embezzled by civil servants, contractors and our hardworking cops.  

So instead of going after little ones, why not hunt down the mighty monsters and give us all a chance to stand on our rooftops and applaud.  Somebody should take the lead and organize the ‘applause’ program. We can do it early in the morning or midnight. But make sure, we get the Guinness World Records folks in town as well.

Rest in Peace Marchiman! At least you tried to help us by airlifting food products from abroad when our dear chimeki India blocked their borders then. Our Prime Monsters today neither care for the people nor have any courage to face the music when the going gets tough.

The 3 Mistakes of My Life

Our Emperor should quit politics and become a writer. He could even write a novel  ‘The 3 Mistakes of My Life’ and it could probably be a bestseller. After all, the party can request all its cadres and sympathizers to voluntarily buy the book. 

And all byaparis in the country can buy a dozen each to give out to their customers.  The only guy who won’t be happy with all the natak would be the Indian writer Chetan Bhagat who came out with a novel with the same title back in 2008.

Our Emperor must be trying to win some sympathy votes by showing us all that he is after all only human and he also makes mistakes.   According to the great snake charmer, his first mistake was not letting Late Girija become the country’s first President.  

Our comrades got a little carried away with the results of the CA election then. But would things have turned out differently if Girija had been President?  Probably not but the Bangladeshi crown prince would have made billions more from other scams whereas mother-in-law Princess Sujata would have enjoyed a stint at Baluwatar.

When we think of Girija, we only remember the Nepal Airlines scandal and other nautanki nataks by Sujata auntie.  Yes, we should give some credit to the man for the 12-point agreement with our comrades and for bringing them out of the closet but letting your dear and near ones go on a looting spree tarnishes all his other achievements.

Our Emperor must remember that if he wants to leave a legacy of being more than just another neta then he must make sure that poor ones get the benefits instead of his near and dear ones.  

We now have a polygamist prince in the house.  Yes, every father wants his son to achieve great things in life but most of us want our kids to do it by being honest and working hard. 

Our netas are a different breed.  They will break all the rules to make sure that there kids get the government scholarships or contracts or even free plots of land somewhere in the country.

Our Emperor has also admitted that he should not have tried to sack the then Army Chief. While everyone knew that trying to fire a guy who had only three months left in his job was a stupid decision, our Emperor must have thought he was a Superman who could just bulldoze over Rukman. 

Hope someday, we will have a Wonderwoman instead of the usual  MCPs (Male Chauvinist Pigs or Mostly Corrupt Politicians) growing tomatoes in Baluwatar. We need someone like Golda Meir to lead this country.  But the current batch of women leaders do not give us any hope at all. 

Our Emperor tell us he screwed up because  it was his party’s first experience coming to the mainstream after spending a decade turning out underground rap albums.  

Maybe our comrades should have focused on writing the constitution instead of running the country down the drain. But they turned out to be as corrupt as the previous clowns and now we are left with choosing the least evil of them all in the upcoming CA polls. 

Last time, it was ‘give us a chance and we will make you dance’ and this time, their political slogan should be ‘Sorry, we screwed up but give us another chance to make it right’. It’s more or less sounds like a guy who is trying to win his girl after screwing up again and again.  And we, the citizens continue to be fooled by our netas’ false promises. 

Our Emperor says that his third mistake was not to take the issue of state restructuring for voting at the Constituent Assembly. We expected to have a new constitution at midnight that day but our stupid freeloaders decided to dissolve the CA and here we are again, back to square one.  

It really doesn’t matter if we have 7 states or 14.  All we want is a decent job that pays enough to take care of our families. We want the government to control food costs and jail byaparis who sell adulterated stuff. 

But it’s been just the opposite in the past five years.  Our byaparis threaten to shut down the country if they are not allowed to hike prices of their adulterated products.

Our Emperor could have been a Mandela. But he has failed miserably. Instead of bringing people together, he has managed to polarize them.  Some of us don’t want to face the truth but like it or not, our comrades are here to stay and it is up to them to lead this country to prosperity or let it lay in ruins. 

Let’s all hope that great Emperor will not make stupid mistakes again and will rise above the fray and when he is long gone, this country and its people will remember him as the one who finally made this country a heaven and not hell. 

image source: mothshutup.wordpress.com

Things to Ban Next!

Our  interim government has banned sales and supply of poultry products in the valley.  Maybe it's time we all had a few chickens in our backyard so that we can get fresh eggs and have some chicken chilly without having to worry about bird flu. 

The byaparis who decided to sell infected chickens outside the valley should be forced to live in a poultry farm with the chickens for a week or two.  Maybe then he or she will learn a few steps of the chicken dance as well.

Our byaparis will find a way to sell their infected chickens no matter how many security personnel are deployed at check points or outside poultry farms. A little chiya kharcha here and there does the trick in this land of ours.  

The week long ban will affect the poultry industry badly. The chicken wallahs are set to lose Rs 600 million due to the week-long ban. And if things are still not under control then the ban is likely to be extended further. 

Then, the Chicken sellers will probably go on strike and shut down the country demanding their right to sell infected chickens.  If that doesn't work then they can bribe government officials to go live on TV and declare that the crisis is over as he or she munches on chicken drumsticks.  

So, instead of selling infected chickens all over the country, our poultry wallahs should have some chiya with our sarkari hakim sahebs and work out a compensation plan. 

When it comes to banning things, our interm government should ban international travel for our good for nothing clowns. Why is everyone visiting Delhi?  

We already have thousands of Tandoori restaurants in the valley. You can get a decent naan and chicken tandoori here instead of taking a flight to Delhi. 

And if the bird flu really scares you then you get Dal Makhaani instead or go with Mutton Shish Kebab. Enjoy the mutton while you can because sooner or later 'Goat Flu' will hit our land as well.

Students go abroad for further studies. Our migrant workers go abroad to make a few more Dinars and  Dollars. Why do our netas need to go to foreign lands?  They never learn anything new. 

Our Emperor has been to Singapore so many times but I guess he never ventures out of his hotel room. After all, you don’t meet your foreign handlers in a park. 

Makune is back in the country after meeting Sonia Auntie and the rest of the Desi gang.  Last time, he lost from two constituencies but still went on to become our Prime Monster.  I hope he changes his constituency this time. 

Our Emperor is planning to contest from the Tarai region. Maybe Makune should move to the hills and choose Humla and Jumla. And let's hope that he loses again so that we can make him our President this time.

Jhallu Baba is in Amrika. At least the guy won from his constituency in the last CA election.  But why are our netas always visiting Amrika and Europe? We can understand their bhet-ghat with the dumping and dosa gangs. 

Our clowns will have to make the Chinese and the Desis happy if they want to run the show back home but they are not really going to get invited to the White House or 10 Downing Street. 

The only invites they get are from our NRNs who happen to be restaurant owners. Nearly all of them restaurant owners are affiliated to one political party or another back home. And our clowns talk about 'New Nepal' and how NRNs should come back and develop the country over a plate of naan and chicken tandoori.  

Well, if all NRN restaurant owners came back to Nepal then all we would get is a dozen more Indian restaurants in town.

It's time we had a 'One Candidate One Constituency' thing so that the Election Wallahs won't have to spend some extra dough conducting the by-elections. And there should be some kind of a residency requirement thing as well.  

If Baburam Bhattarai wants to represent Gorkha then he should at least spend 6 months in his home district. If our EC wallahs can come up with some kind of a residency law then all of our clowns will have to contest from the valley because they rarely visit their constituencies. At least then, we will have local folks representing their constituencies instead of our clowns. 

Our interim government could do us all a favor if we had a ban against chakka jams, bandhs and vandalism at least until the CA election.  Our political parties will probably ignore the ban and do their nataks anyway. 

How did we end up with such buffoons who have no respect for the rule of law?  

Baidya Uncle and his crew are now busy burning up the election code of conduct. Looks like the angry birds love their hammers and love to play with fire. Why not open a metal workshop instead?