Maoist Moolah

We should’ve known better when our Emperor did his standup routine in front of his commanders bragging about how he managed to inflate the numbers of the PLA combatants and hoodwink everyone from UNMIN, our political parties, and the rest of the world.

Our Emperor is a funny man. If he hadn’t been a Commie or some agricultural expert, then he would probably have made quite a fortune by taking his act to all the Mahotsavs across the country. But of course, he wouldn’t have the dough to rent a mini-palace in Lazimpat, but it all turned out good, hai!

And now it’s finally time to get paid – thank the sukila mukila taxpayers for once – but it looks like the party headquarters will make a killing while the poor combatants will have a tough time paying their bills with the pocket change. But only if they manage to get out of the cantonments in one piece.

I don’t know what it is with our Comrades but they seem to be more interested in making the moolah than concluding the Peace Process or writing the Constitution. Well, looking at their antics so far, they are happy getting a piece of everything than giving us a peace of mind, hagi?

We have a little more than three months to go and we can start the countdown again and hopefully it’s for the last time, unless our ‘national’ comedian pulls another rabbit out of his mustache.

We should be very confident about not getting a new Constitution by the end of May and our combatants won’t be joining the national army unless one of theirs gets to be a two-star general. Maybe we should just make one of the Comrades a Field Marshal and then he gets to ride in a tank and enjoy the perks that come with it.

Our so-called leaders can’t even decide if they want seven provinces or eleven… maybe we should just stick to the 14 zones and 75 districts from the Panchayati playbook. After all, our government is sticking to its guns when it comes to the road widening projects. If they can now demolish everything just because some visionary planned the Valley roads in 1977, then maybe we should just go back to the 17th century and just start again with the 22-24 kingdoms, kya.

Isn’t it ironic that the poor combatants now have to flee and take refuge in local police stations from their own while the Emperor gets to move to an upscale neighborhood and has enough security than Obama?

And taking about security, our cops should start a 24-hour security drive rather than just hanging around till 11 p.m., getting up close and personal with the motorists. It’s hard enough for all us as we head home from work still worrying about not getting that one cylinder of cooking gas when we’re stopped by our men in blue and they want to smell our breath as if they are about to French-kiss us.

And yes, the seatbelt rule is really great, but why not bring back the helmet rule for pillion riders as well? And we don’t even have to go to back to the past and try to find a scrap of paper from the Rana days to enforce it. We can thank Gyanu Uncle for once for trying to get all of us to wear helmets when riding motorbikes, kya.

And our Emperor now finds it very harder to win the ‘table’ war than the so-called ‘People’s War,’ rey. He should be applauded for standing up for our Valley’s sukumbasis. He has promised them they wouldn’t be evicted unless the government finds alternative housing for our riverbank dwellers.

Maybe the Valley residents should now establish a sister organization affiliated to the mother party and get some help from the Emperor as well. How about all of us joining the ‘All Revolutionary Homeowners Association,’ or ARHA? After all, we are all now like pigeon feed for our great ‘peace’ pigeons who are on a mission to turn the Valley residents into slum dwellers.

Maybe we should all head to the wild and leave the urban jungle for our warriors. Let us all sell our homes and head to the hills. We can then build a small hydro thing in the village, rear goats since the bird flu seems to appear every now and then, and won’t have to worry about taking showers as we dive into the river and enjoy swimming all day long.