Saturday, June 30, 2012

Monsoon Madness



If you really want to make some quick money then you should supply black flags to our opposition wallahs. They really don’t seem to have any plans to evict Dr Saheb from Baluwatar except for the same old natak of waving black flags and shouting them haawa-taari slogans. I think they should come up with some new nataks.

How about buying up space on them hoarding boards around the Valley? You can plaster them with pictures of Hisila didi stealing some achaar from Dr Saheb’s plate. Slogan chahi…Babu, aren’t you tired of eating the ‘rubber’ food at Baluwatar?

The opposition wallahs can then sponsor Dr Saheb’s ‘Visit a Village’ tour package all year round ni. Our Eh-Maleys and Congressis want to get their hands on some free cash. After all, they too need some dough for the coming elections. Our karyakartas can change their alliance faster than Lady Gaga changes her wardrobe. It’s all about the money kya.

It’s about time our political parties decided to hire them advertising agencies to come up with quirky publicity stunts.Dr Saheb doesn’t need one because he has a creative mind. I think if he gets tired of politics then he should move to advertising. He will be winning them ‘Crity Awards’ every year.

Our opposition wallahs accuse Dr Saheb of throwing them childish tantrums. I think Bhusan Dai should come up with a show on Kantipur…the Nepali version of Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? and invite our politicians. How about inviting all our former Prime-Monsters? I think Dr Saheb will win hands down. He’s always reading stuff while other netas are busy gossiping over drinks and mutton curry at the Emperor’s palace!

Baidya uncle and his crew are busy these days. His cadres are even busier now because they have to raise some cash to meet the party’s expenses. Our byaparis are now looking for someone to mediate and negotiate them prices rey. Maybe they should hire some of our young folks who have master’s degrees in mediation and conflict resolution!

Sharat Dai has also opened a new party. While them Madhesi parties are acting like wild capitalists when it comes to looting the state coffer, we now have a National Madhes Socialist Party that will probably introduce socialised health care someday hola. Or maybe they will just socialise with each other and get free medical treatments abroad like the rest of the clowns.

I have no idea why our Janjaati netas from the ‘budo’ parties have not left to open their own exclusive club. I am not a political analyst but everybody at the local chiya pasal is certain that we will always have a coalition government from now onwards. The ‘small’ fishes will get to share the loot while the sharks will spend their tyam making sure they still have enough votes to stay in power kya. So break away and enjoy the piece of the pie ni.

Scott Dai has left the building. Peter W Bodde, the new US Ambassador will soon be in town to try some sekuwa. I hope he will update his Facebook status and tweet all day long and then he will probably have more FB friends than his predecessor. Peter Dai looks like someone you want on your side when there is a bar fight kya. The man was in Iraq. He must be hard-core hola. Now, all he needs to do is wear a cowboy hat when he does the usual ‘meet the clowns’ natak as them kuirey ambassadors do ni.

I don’t know what kind of conversation them bideshi ambassadors have with our freeloaders. Do they talk about the weather? Yes, it’s monsoon and as usual, we will have landslides, floods and what not and our government will do what they do best and that is nothing kya.

Ours is probably the only country where them ambassadors and blue-plate wallahs can just show up at the Prime Minister’s residence and try them ‘rubber’ snacks and doodh chiya. Our so-called top leaders are always eager to practice their Angrezi with them bideshis.

Our netas may act as if they hate India but they do love to share some bhelpuri with the Desi Ambassador and converse in broken Hindi. If our netas really cared for this nation then they should only speak ‘Nepali’ or their ethnic dialect with the bidhesis. And the foreigners have all the funds kyaaruh… they can very well hire their own translators ni. Peter Dai is fluent in Nepali rey. Then our netas should speak to him in Sanskrit hola ni. After all, most of them are members of the priestly class.

Well, the monsoon is here. Dr Saheb wants to build bigger roads. Somebody should tell him that we do need them drains pani! Or he can give us all free gumboots and tubes for boating…now that would be nice!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

When's your turn?


Wedding season is here again... didn't know folks got married yeti bela... yesto garmi ma! This week's been hectic.... attended like 7 wedding parties in three days kyaaruh! It's pretty much the same food and drinks and before you know it the bar is closed and you have to spend the rest of the evening drinking Cola!


Hijo chahi... I went to duita biha ko party sarty haroo! The first one was at Yak & Yeti. Them five-star hotels suck because them wait staff and the rest of the crew are all members of our krantikari union kyaaruh! They act like somebody is forcing them to walk around carrying them tray stray of snacks here and there!

I asked for some paani... and the bar captain told me to walk outside the ball room ... 'tyeta baahiruh ho water station... tyehi gaw-ye-ruh linoos'... so I walked to the so-called water station, filled 4-5 glasses of water and asked the waiter for a tray and headed to my table.

The waiter bhai was pissed... 'Tapai lay yesto gaw-ryo bhaney tuh hamro supervisor lay gaali garcha ni'. I told him not to worry... 'Muh pani union ma choo bhan-deu hai..' if the guy is too lazy to serve water then I better do it myself ni hoinuh ruh! I think I will just go apply for a banquet staff ko job @ them so-called five-star hotels tomorrow!


Yak & Yeti ko so-called ball room ma only fan san... ani.. ek damai garmi pani... spent the next half and hour fighting for the fan. The other table wanted the waiter bhai to turn the fan towards them. But, we had the first right of refusal... hehe... as if we were planning to buy the fan nai! Hami pahila aaa-ko , pankha pani haami tiruh nai thiyo ni!

Finally, the other table gave up and the groom's brother-in-law managed to get another fan for them. Thank God.... or else table 'A' and 'B' were ready to get into some kind of a wrestling match nai.

My didi's friend, visiting from the Amrikas asked me... 'why is everyone around that guy?'. I looked over and saw our great 'ghoos-khori' bhoot-purba mantri, Govinda Raj Joshi. This guy's court case ko hearing is coming up next month kyaaruh. I hope the Supreme Court will at least send him to jail for a year or two. The CIAA folks (that's the Commission for Investigation of Abuse of Authority hai) have accused Joshi of making like 393 million Rupees!

I think it's more like 3.9 billion Rupees hola. The guy was a school teacher in Tanhaun district.... and he had only one gaagri, two kachaura and one thaal rey. Then he became our Education Minister and made like 10 crores by selling them MBBS seats.

He also was our Home Minister a couple of times. And when you are the 'homie', you make money by transferring and promoting them cops. Katti khayo hola hagi! The guy was a mantri seven times... and he is one of the most ghoos-khori neta ever! He must have made a killing hagi! But no worries... abuh afno cousin ko gau ko manchey rahecha... bhoj khan-aw ayo. My sister was mad at me because... I said it aloud.... 'Ye... ghoo-khori po rahecha' ..


But he looked happy. After all he gets a free SUV and security from the government (all former Home Ministers do!) and everybody was namaskaaring him. Yestai ho... yo desh ma, ramro manchey ko izzat chaina.... sabai chor fatah haroo nai hero!

Yak & Yeti ko khaana is okay... not as oily and jpt as them party palaces but who the @#$! wants to have pasta when there is daal bhaat and khasi ko masoo? The chef dai with his big bhudi (yes, all them hotel ka chef haroo ko pet nai thulo!) was standing there. Ani mahiley pani guff diye 'Dai.. khana mitho cha... tuh-raw sabai Desi-style... baroo Thakali Khana rakhey kasto hola' . He just stared at me.... maybe he was thinking 'Yo sangaw boley ki polcha hola baroo mai choop bas-choo!' hehe!

Since it was my nate-daar's wedding..... I got to meet nearly everyone from my mother's side ... and it's the same question every tyam. "Ani Timro Palo kahiley ni?' ... 'Hami tuh timro biha hare-nai naw-pai marney bhayo' ... that would be the grannies! 

And then you meet the usual 'deal makers' ..... by the time I got out and headed for the next party, I was asked to go out on a date with four different women.... and all of them have multiple advanced degrees, dui jana ko tuh Phd pani! Women are smarter than men kya... tyo tuh sabai lai tha-ha bhaa kai kura ho!

I should get married by this Mangsir or else I will be like Krishna Prasad Bhattarai rey. Lau jaa.. kaha batuh KP dai lai saw-raapey ko holan mero auntie haroo lay!

It was already 9 by the time I got to my friend's wedding party at this party palace. My first grade dehki ko saathi ... happy for him! Usko bau mero bau ko saathi.... dherai piu-nuh ruh jpt gar-naw pani miley-nuh hehe! The food was not that good... but I had already eaten so malai tuh khaas farak parey-nuh!

The 'Gurung' wedding parties are fun. Them old folks have skills... yo! All them grannies, uncles and aunts are dancing and having fun.... singing them folks songs! The barman is pissed because the host has even booked the local liquor store...hehe! So, now he can't say... 'sabai drinks khattam... coke piu-noos!'.

And you really don't need them so-called fokatey ko DJs and their 'Desi girl' remix versions at them 'Gurung' Weddings. The old women start singing and everybody is clapping and showing their dance moves.... ramailo bhayo!


I met my high school friends ... all of them are married! And every time we meet.. it's the same die-log .. 'You are lucky... you are not married!'.

The 'Married Men' club members all shut up when their wives come to our table. And then when they leave to dance or eat or hang out with others, it's the same 'God.. I should not have married' natak! But I think they are okay..... yetti-kai rack sack garya holan!

I don't know... I want to get married someday. It doesn't matter if she has them PhDs or no degree at all. Afno nidhaar ma kay lekhya cha kay tha-ha! Who knows... I might marry a Single Mom hola. I already do them dishes at home... I will be happy being a 'house-man' kya!

My Dad tells me.... 'At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if your wife is beautiful or she has 3 degrees from two Ivy League universities... you need to be there for each other and love each other till ... Steven Seagal makes another movie!' ... Okay, I added that Steven Seagal part.. hehe!


Anyways... I am really happy for N bahini, B bro, S bro, D bro, sister A and the two other newly-weds (naam birsey ... sorry hai... because I had to go to them parties .... to represent my khaan-daan ... hehe!)... anyways, congratulations and hope you all will live to be 100 and then go skydiving buda budi nai!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Where Have All The Dons Gone?



Our competent cops decided to carry out them raids on them houses of 64 dons in the valley rey. The police wallahs from Hanumandhoka were pissed when their superiors told them to start running around Kathmandu at 4 am in the morning... tyo pani Saanibaar bihanuh! If they had at least received the memo a day earlier then they wouldn't have spent Friday night drinking ni!

Poor police wallahs... they failed to nab any of them dons... I guess our dons received them 'missed calls' from the hawaldars at Hanumandhoka hola ni! Our cops have graded them criminals rey. I guess it's like them Shree Tin days... when they had the 'A', 'B' , 'C' and even 'D' classes!

We have dons like Deepak Manange dai, Milan Chakre, Baghe, Ghaite, Chari , Sipahi ..... etiyaadi! Chakre dai is in Central Jail.... but I hear they did ransack his brother's house but found only mula ko achar and gundruk rey! 

The only so-called Don saheb who wasn't troubled by our cops chahi... hamro Ganesh Lama dai from Kavre. Lama started out working at them front desk of a hotel in Thamel. While other Kavrelis had muscles, he had a little bit more dimag pani. They boys from Kavre started out as bouncers at them clubs run by Deepak dai. They then started their own loansharking racket and got into them 'dance bar' business. Tyes pachi tuh mala-maal!

Why was every other don targeted except our Ganesh dai? Well, he happens to be a close friend of our Home Minister, Bijay Kumar Guccha-dar! The boy from Kavre is also a central committee member of Guccha-dar's Madhesi party. He now owns an 'A' class construction company, financial institutions and what not! Tyo Koteshwor-Bhaktapur ko bato sabai Ganesh dai lay payeko ho .. sabai thekka-patta ko kaam!

And Ganesh dai doesn't stay at home .... he just hangs out at the Home Ministry rey. I feel sorry for our cops ....sometimes! Them most wanted criminals are walking around freely, hanging out with the Home Minister and our cops have no choice but to shut up and put up with it kya. If Ramesh Kharel had his way then he would probably give a flank kick to Guccha-dar and throw the guy in jail!

Our Home Minister has transferred them cops who act tough against them gundas and he promotes his own chamchas or whoever can pay him Rs 50 lakhs. Yes, if you are an SSP then you will have to pay our Homie... 50 laaakhs... if you want to be a DIG! The going rate for 'IGP' ko laagi is like 6-7 crores kyaaruh.

Our current IGP got lucky. He didn't have to pay a penny because the previous IGP was out the door due to them Sudan scam! But the next guy will have to get some cash or else he will have to go home! Yestai cha yeha ko chalan!

Baburam dai must be enjoying them beaches in Brazil. He should also meet Pele hola.... but our PM looks like he's more into chess. What is Hisila didi doing there? She must be enjoying them Caipirinhas ... hehe! Anyways, Baburam met the Aussie PM-ni and she has promised to throw us a couple of  Aussie dollars rey. Yes... good... kasta neta haroo... bhig mageruh pani danga parney!

Anyways, our dons were all out of the valley when our cops raided them homes! Our cops know where our gundas hang out.... because if they didn't then how the hell would they collect them hafta ni?

Our dons extort money from them byaparis. Our cops collect haftas from them dons and our netas get chiya kharcha and more from them cops whenever they need a promotion or saruwa to them ghoos khaa-naw pauney thau sau... hehe.... Yestai ho... Cycle of Corruption bhanya! Kay garney.... naya Nepal ma... we have to be more scared of them cops than chors!