The Return of the Polygamist Prince

Our polygamist prince is back in town after spending months with his new belle in New Delhi.  Like all other Nepalis, he must have missed the momos back home. Either he ran out of  funds  or he just loves cricket so much that he got the patriotic urge to rush back home to attend the ACC T20 Cup.

Afghanistan managed to defeat our team but we must all applaud our Nepali cricketers for their team work and congratulate them on reaching the final.  Hope someday our footballers will make us proud like our cricketers.

Let us all hope that our polygamist prince will ask his daddy to set up some kind of a Sports Fund and award cash prizes to our cricketers. It’s about time our comrades grew up and started giving instead of just asking for voluntary donations from anyone they think has some dough.

We all know that our Emperor is a two-tongued, double-dealing magician and he might just go crazy and announce a cash prize of a million Rupees to our cricketers. But of course, our Comrade Maharaja is good at making pledges but he doesn’t have the time to follow up on it.

Whatever happened to the compensation of Rs 6 million to the Madi blast victims and their families? I guess our comrades do not have the time to withdraw the funds from the party’s bank account. Or maybe the funds are deposited in some other untraceable accounts?

It’s about time our Election Commission wallahs act tough and make sure that our corrupt political parties get their hisab kitab right if they want to fight the election. We can make exception for Baidya uncle and his crew. They are just starting out fresh and they must have spent all the voluntary contributions on their convention. They do not seem to have enough funds for chiya kharcha during their banda karyakarms.

We are still waiting to hear about the US$ 3 billion investment in Lumbini from the non-existent Chinese NGO as well. But like every father, our Emperor wants his son to be a man. He wants junior to take over the party someday.  

After all, without money and muscles, you can’t run such gimmicks for long. If our Emperor had his way, then he would probably have his pictures on every electric pole in the valley. But of course we are not North Korea yet and you can’t take over the country without the blessing of the Desi gurus in New Delhi.

Maybe our Emperor should visit North Korea instead of China and just ask them for help to set up a nuclear reactor in our land. Well, we can’t depend on North Korean technology but it will at least make the Desis give us much more than ambulances and buses. If our clowns really want to act like beggars then they should at least ask for a buffet meal than a small packet of chana-chatpat.

So far, going by the antics displayed by our polygamist crown prince,  he would probably end up getting married more times than late Elizabeth Taylor. At least Lizzie was a Hollywood starlet whereas the only skill our polygamist prince has shown is updating his Facebook statuses every other hour. But that too stopped when he decided to leave his second wife and hook up with another comrade’s missus. 

Our Emperor really wants to groom his son so that one day he will be able to handle the muscles and money. You can’t do that by posting gibberish on Facebook. You need to have charisma to lead your cadres. You need hard cold cash to feed them and when it comes to common folks, you should have no empathy at all.

But our polygamist prince is a lover boy. He feels love for the game of cricket, mountains and other people’s spouses. Maybe he should just climb Everest once again with his new belle and both of them can write their names in the Guiness World Records after playing a game of cricket up there.

The prince and his consort has a month and half to prepare for the feat and the right time to show us the natak would be on May 29^th this year when the world celebrates the Diamond Jubilee of the first ascent on Mount Everest by Tenzing dai and Edmund Hillary.

The polygamist prince is now back to being a Newa State Committee member. The party has decided to lift the suspension on the crown prince.  I hope he won’t plan a trip to Mars and ask the government to give him Rs 20 billion this time around.

But of course, we have an interim government now and our comrades will have to wait for the CA elections to find out if they will get to enjoy plundering the state coffer on their own or share it with many other crooks than the previous heist.

Burning Clown Festival

Most of our religious festivals celebrate the triumph of good over evil. Holi is one of them.  Holika couldn’t stand the bonfire while the little boy survived. In the old days, the evil doers perished while the good folks passed the test and went home.  You could pray to the almighty and things would be alright.

In today’s time,  the honest hardworking citizens find it hard to survive whereas the crooked clowns enjoy the good life by looting us all.  We are still praying for our clowns to come to their senses and do what’s right for the country.  But of course prayers are not enough in the age of ‘Kaliyug’. Petitions won’t help and pelting stones will not make any difference either. Maybe we should just ask the mothers of our clowns to get a plank and spank their sons to be ‘real’ men instead of acting like juvenile delinquents.
 
Holi ends with the burning of the ‘chir’ and it’s about time our event management companies around town organized bonfires as well. They could do a ‘Burning Clown Festival’ similar to the ‘Burning Man’ thing the kuireys do in the US.
 
The ‘Burning Man’ stuff is about radical self-expression whereas  our ‘Burning Clown’ thing could be our outlet to frustration. There isn’t much we can do to change the system. We got rid of one Maharaja and now we have hundreds.  Everybody wants a piece of the pie and the common citizens don’t even get any crumbs.
 
Instead of burning effigies during them bandas, we can have one whole day to burn all the effigies we want.  Our political parties can also participate and boast about who had the largest effigies and how much fuel they spent on burning it down. We can broadcast the thing live and ask viewers to vote by SMS. Whoever wins can then rule us like a despot for a year.  After all, whoever wins the unfair and not so free election will loot all they can anyway.
 
It would be nice if we went back to the old days and had them ‘cross-country’ race. But of course,  our clowns have forgotten to walk let alone run thanks to the free luxury vehicles they get at our taxpayers expense. The only thing running is their mouths and we still haven’t figured out how to shut them up.
 
Our interim government wallahs were busy playing Holi and so were the Kollywood folks but we really didn’t see any of our clowns dancing and enjoying the colors. Maybe they were all holed up somewhere or were too scared that people would throw other stuff than water and colors at them.
 
Our Baidya uncles and other 32 fringe parties have announced a 10-day protest program. The minnows are not happy about Khil dai sitting on the kurchi, even if it’s only for a while. After all, they should also get an opportunity to get their hands dirty. Our angry birds are now into stealing laptops from the Election Commission wallahs.
 
If the Baidya wallahs want to boycott the CA elections then that’s fine but why are you guys seizing laptops from them EC staff who are just doing their job of registering voters? I thought they were into seizing land and what not. But of course, it’s easier to snatch a laptop than land.
 
Khil dai has done us all proud by showing us that when it comes to nepotism, he thinks the same way as our clowns. Khilly has appointed Drona Raj Regmi as the Attorney General.  And Drona dai’s son is the PM’s personal assistant. Sounds like family ties but that’s how we roll in this land of ours. The Ranas left the building more than sixty years ago but we still follow their rule book when it comes to hiring our near and dear ones.

If our Emperor had his way then when he was having fun at Baluwatar then he would have made the computer operator a General in the army. But of course our Nepal Army wallahs are into fast-track promotion these days. They claim that it is scientific and transparent.  Instead of seniority, you could climb the ladder if you are a serial arse-kisser. Maybe there is a scientific way to do just that.  Even our Emperor has to run around kissing bideshi arses to stay in the game.
 
The only thing scientific in this country is the public transport fares.  Our civil servants and transport wallahs probably use some unsolved math theorem to come up with the fare hike every three months.
 
And when it comes to transparency, we all know that our clowns, civil servants and contractors are milking the system but we have no idea where the loot goes. Not everybody hides it under the bed or in their backyard. Maybe, the CIAA should organize a ‘Find The Loot’ contest and reward those who find it with 20% of the loot. Even the near and dear ones of our clowns will join the treasure hunt then.

Nepal (Chor)-Police

It looks like our great Nepal Police might need to change their motto soon.  Instead of ‘Truth, Service and Security’, maybe they should go with ‘Torture, Sexual Assault  and Abduction’.  

Sita Rai was robbed and then raped.  She is still waiting for justice but our government doesn’t have time to deal with what Dr. Saheb would have called ‘trivial matters’.

Three of our junior police officers have been arrested for abducting a byapari. They asked for 4 lakhs but the guy managed to get home after paying them 1.5 lakhs.  The only time our cops and cadres are flexible is when it comes to them extortion rackets.

The criminal cops decided to hold his bike so that he could come back with the rest of the cash. But he filed a complaint with the police and the three musketeers are now getting used to the stinky bathroom and the cold dingy cell. Thank God, we still have a few honest cops who listen to the victim’s complaint.

After all them andolans, we had expected our police wallahs to get their act right but they seem to be turning into a bunch of savages as each day passes on.  We must now be scared of the chor-police than our mundrey gundas.

At least the mundrey gundas only go after  government tenders but our cops cast their evil eyes on all common citizens and  will extort, rape and assault them if they get any opportunity to do so. Maybe Nepal Police should set up a new department , how about a  ‘Anti-Police’ squad to make sure their own folks stay in line?

The Desis have now passed a new law to protect their women against sexual violence.  The new law even provides for a death penalty against repeat offenders or if such attacks lead to the victim’s death.  The law criminalizes stalking, voyeurism and sexual harassment.  

Khil Dai should get a similar law passed through an ordinance.  And hope our good for nothing political parties will support such bills.

Our women are not safe in this country but our clowns, civil servants and so-called civil society wallahs seem to have no empathy for women’s plight. 

Our clowns are more interested to protect their own breed instead of helping the common citizens.  Our new Home Minister should issue a new directive and launch a complaint hotline to report abuses by our chor-police. The government has ordered all them ministers to upload their work online. Maybe, we can all check out the complaints against our cops online as well.

Our clowns only care about their own cadres while common citizens do not figure on their ‘priority’ list. I guess we should just stay home during the polls and see how our buffoons fare up this time. If none of us get our thumbs stained then our clowns can’t boast about any people’s mandate. 

Our comrades begged us to give them a chance during the last CA polls. Many of us said fine and voted for them just to see how they would turn out to be. Well, they turned out to be no different than the ones who came before them.

Baidya uncle and his crew have told us that they will be boycotting the upcoming CA polls.  Maybe they should hit the street and come up with ‘If you don’t vote then we will give you a note’ campaign.  While other political parties will be extorting from our fake VAT bill wallahs and other byaparis, the Baidya wallahs can ask for voluntary donation and maybe host a ‘no vote’ party for all of us.

While the political cadres go to the voting booths, we can go to a comedy show hosted by the angry birds. We should ask our comedians to do some mimicry of our buffoons. At least it will help us to forget our misery for an hour or two.

Hari Bansha dai is coming out with his memoirs next month. We are still waiting for Gyanu Uncle’s memoirs. And one day, our new Emperor should pen his memoirs too and let us know all the cool hangouts in Delhi and Noida. Hope he will be kind to share us his guff suff with the Dim Sum and Dosa folks as well.

But of course our Emperor can wait a decade or two because the way things are going in the country, our comrades will continue to make billions and they will be around for another decade until someone else shows up to take the kurchi.

And once again, another convicted politician gets a hero’s welcome after his release from prison. Jaya Prakash Dai was welcomed by his supporters outside Dillibazar prison.  He was beaming with pride as if he was elected the new Prime Minister. 

In all other places, convicted politicians are ashamed to show their faces in public but in this land of ours, the crooks get garlands and common citizens have no choice but to move to them foreign lands.