Khil takes the pill

We all know that our civil servants are incompetent buffoons but we should not be harsh on them for giving us a public holiday to celebrate Gyalpo Losar even though our Sherpa brothers and sisters celebrated the occasion nearly a month ago.

In this age of the New Republic, it is certainly tough to keep track of all festivals celebrated by different ethnic communities. Hope we will have a Ministry of Holidays when we get a real government in the future.

The Holiday Minister’s job will be to celebrate each public holiday with the respective community and we can save taxpayers money if we ask those who are celebrating to fund the minister’s chiya kharcha and fuel expenses as well.

Instead of giving us all a public holiday, why not just let the respective community celebrate their festivals whereas the rest of the civil servants can go back to work and provide the much needed services to the common citizens. 

The Hindus can celebrate Dashain and the other civil servants from different religious backgrounds can go to work then and can take days off for their festivals.

Deep Purple is not coming to town.  The organizers tell us that the English rock band decided to fly back to London from Singapore because they did not want to deal with all the bandas in this land of ours.  

Or is it because our organizers couldn’t sell enough tickets to pay their appearance fee? Whatever the reason, we should let all them international acts know that our bandas last until 5pm and they can always begin their show after 6.

If our organizers really want to make some serious dineros then they should bring Justin Bieber to Kathmandu. Our tweens will certainly be there and they will pay premium price to see the Canadian YouTube wonder.  

So, better hurry up before Bieber burns out and goes into rehab. I would love to see Mumford & Sons play in Kathmandu this year or even Adele would be nice since 98% of Facebook users in Nepal seem to like her Fan Page and they would probably sell their laptops to watch her perform.

The Catholics got a new Pope. The Cardinal from Argentina will now be called Pope Francis.  And we got ourselves a new Prime Monster.  Maybe we should start with a new tradition of having our Prime Monsters’ come up with a new name. Why only let the comrades have the fun with their pseudonyms? 

If Khil dai was allowed to have a new name then what would it be?  Our Emperor should change his name to 'Jadoogar' because he seems to come up with new magic tricks every fortnight. 

Dr. Saheb can change his name to ‘Bulldoze’ because the only thing that has widened in his reign is our roads in the valley. Now we can park anywhere we like until the NEA wallahs finally move the electricity poles a few meters away. 

Khil dai was sworn in by our beloved President, who must now know the oath of secrecy and other swearing-in nataks by heart. Once he’s done playing the President,  he can even moonlight as the swearing-in master for other social organizations as well.

But of course, our taukeys won’t need to find a second job like the Amriki Presidents. We give them life-time supply of vehicles, security and other kharchas. Khil dai will get all them benefits after he leaves office. Maybe he should get two of everything because our former Chief Justices and Prime Monsters get all them state perks. 

Well, Baidya Uncle and his crew are just getting started. After all, they want to show us that they have what it takes to shut down the country. Our Baidya-badis and the other fringe parties decided to call a banda after Khil dai was sworn in as the new head of the interim election government. 

Our political parties do care about our students. They decided to call the banda at 12pm so that our SLC candidates would get an hour to get home. But of course, our clowns don’t want to mess with angry parents of half a million students. And as usual, we hear about rampant cheating and fake invigilators.

If our political parties are looking for future cadres then they should recruit all those expelled for cheating during the SLC exams. After all, the cheaters will not get far academically but will have a bright future in Nepali politics.

It’s near to impossible to conduct the new CA election by mid-June. We all know that Khil dai and his crew will be enjoying their perks till December. And now we have our former civil servants running around town lobbying with the political parties to be mini-sinisters. 

Dr. Saheb entered Baluwatar with a Mustang but decided to leave on a Scorpio. It would have been nice if he had left on a rickshaw so that he could finally breathe in some dust from his biggest accomplishment as a Prime Monster.

Even Bhagwan has to step aside…

Dr Bhagwan Koirala has resigned as the director of  TU Teaching Hospital.  If Bhagwan can’t save the government hospital then I don’t know who can.  Our incompetent clowns are not looking for a few good men and women.  They just want a political lackey to skim off the funds to enrich himself, his crew and his party.

Bhagwan Dai managed to turn around the hospital in three months. He stopped paying bogus over-time to incompetent employees. He even managed to save Rs 7 million per month. But our lazy bums don’t want a hardworking chief to lead the way. They want a con artist who knows how to waste and squander the funds.  Bhagwan Baba alone cannot fight them forty thieves.

At the end of the day, it’s them incompetent freeloaders who win the battle in this land of ours.   The good ones just have to step aside and let the fools run the show.  Shouting slogans and hanging outside Baluwatar will not make our clowns see the light. Maybe we should just all go on a hunger strike to change the tide.  

But even that might not work because our buffoons are cold-hearted serpents. But we can get noticed by the Guinness World Records wallahs and we could also test the government’s emergency response system and how they will handle thousands of dehydrated protesters.

Baidya uncle and his crew want a share of all them property owned by the UCPN (Maoist).  Maybe, they should just move in and occupy a third of them buildings.  Instead of shutting down the country and making our lives miserable, why not just ask for 30% of all voluntary donations collected by the Emperor and his courtiers.

Our Emperor has now promised the families of the Madi  bomb blast victims Rs 6 million from his own party’s dhukuti after he failed to get some free cash from Rastra ko dhukuti.  But of course, we will have to wait and see if our comrades really want to provide compensation or it’s just another political gimmick for the week.  And if they really do provide the funds then let us all know if it was in cash or cheque?
 

The Baidya wallahs  want to go back to the ‘land grabbing’ formula. It’s much easier to capture land then capture state powers.  Just eye the biggest plot, gather a bunch of angry birds and plant your party’s flag. And the communists have it easy because they don’t have to wrack their brains to come up with a cool logo. 

It’s the same standard hammer and sickle stuff. Our comrades should also ask the land owner to sign a ‘voluntary lease agreement’ for a Rupee as well.  At least, then it will look like more of a business deal.
 

Let us all hope that our comrades will use them land for fish farming. Their cadres will get jobs and valley residents can enjoy fresh fish instead of the usual ‘injected’ones from across the border. But our political parties are not interested to create employment or get into businesses. All they can think of is how to extort some dough from the fake VAT bill wallahs.  It’s much easier and all it takes is a phone call and maybe a visit to the voluntary donor’s office for a quick chat.

The bandas are here to stay. We will all have to learn to live with it. Our political parties may forgo their chances to occupy Baluwatar but they will never allow bandas to be banned. But it’s about time to introduce a quota system for them bandas. 

We should allow only one banda per week at max.  Our government can open a new ‘banda’ ministry and our political parties should book their dates at least a month in advance.  It would be nice if we allocated only ‘Sunday’s for banda-kartas.

If your party could not get the third Sunday of the month then better luck next time. And we could have a two-day weekend and maybe productivity will hit the roof. But of course, the only time our civil servants will be productive is when you pay them ‘chiya kharcha’ to move the paperwork from one desk to another.
 

Binod Chowdhary is in the Forbes Billionaire List.  Now, all our political parties will probably ask him for voluntary donations in dollars instead of Rupees.  Since we now know that he has investment in hotels across the world, our clowns will probably ask for a free night stay if they are nearby. 
 

Did Nepalaya just get lucky or they knew in advance that our Chow Chow king would be on the List? I think they should also come out with an English version soon.  Binod dai should promise to donate most of his wealth to charity and then he can hang out with Warren Buffet and Bill Gates and get them to eat Wai Wais as well.

The Immoral Police

Our Nepal Police is back with a vengeance to get rid of all hooligans in the capital. The great folks in blue searched snooker houses, temples, jungles and other so-called secluded corners to get hold of them hooligans.

I guess someone forgot to tell them that if they really wanted to arrest them mundrey gundas then they don’t have to look all over the place. Just visit our netas’ homes and you will find a dozen of them lounging around waiting for their new assignments. 

All of our mundrey gundas are affiliated to one party or another. But of course, our police wallahs want to play safe and arrest young lads with long hair, tattoo or wearing earrings.
 

So far, our incompetent cops have arrested more than 700 folks in the city for having long hair, tattoos and wearing earrings. Maybe the Barbers’ Association must have conspired with our police wallahs to launch this new security drive. Why are our cops acting like them Talibans?
 

I hope our cops will leave superstar Rajesh Hamal alone. If all long-hair ones are criminals then we should not allow Indian gurus to visit the country. I have yet to see a Desi Swami with a crew cut.
 

It would have been nice if the Indian spiritual guru Ravi Shankar had enlightened our police wallahs that having a long hair isn’t bad at all. After all, the long-hair guru had one of his talk thing at the National Police Academy. 

Our netas and civil servants seem to listen to them Desi gurus rather than the general public. So maybe, we should ask them Desi spiritual leaders to conduct a workshop on how to speak and act like a decent human being.
 

Chhori Maiya Maharjan has been missing for over a year. So far, our police wallahs have no clue on her whereabouts.  Our cops are only good at arresting petty criminals whereas the dons are under the protection of our honest Home Minister.  

If our police officers want to get promoted then they are asked to call the Don from Kavre. No wonder, the good ones are left over and the incompetent cops with boras full of cash are promoted by the Home Ministry.
 

So, if you have a long hair and wear earrings then you have only two options to prevent our hardworking cops from harassing you. One, just wear a bandana with a hammer and sickle logo. It works like a cop repellent. 

If the cops want to know why there is a bunch of red bandanas hanging inside a snooker house then just tell them that you are leading a local ward meeting of some communist party.
 

If you are not interested in the ‘political’ natak then you can follow the second option, choose the ‘spiritual’ one. Just wear some Hindu religious garb and gather around the local pasal. Whenever, you see a police van, jump in the air and begin an impromptu bhajan session.  Our cops wouldn’t want to mess with that. 
 

Them young folks with long hair were photographed, finger printed and their guardians were called up for no good reason. It would have been better if Nepal Police does the same for the ‘real’ hooligans instead. 

Whenever our cops launch some kind of a drive to nab them gangsters, not even one of them is at home. While most of us can’t seem to get hold of our families and friends due to the useless mobile network, our cops must have satellite phones to inform the gangsters to get out of their house before they come barging in.
 

Sunil Babu Pant should be given some kind of an award for returning his entire salary he received as a CA Member. Maybe, he had to do so to renew his organization’s registration but it is a pretty cool gesture. Since we will be having another good-for-nothing Constituent Assembly again, maybe we should ask all our former CA clowns to return their salaries.
 

The country is sinking and our Emperor and his Missus are busy boating in Fewa Taal. While we can’t afford to take a break, our clowns drive up to them resorts or visit foreign lands to get their groove back. It’s fun to be a neta in this land. They get to enjoy the good life while we are still waiting for something good to come out of all this mess.
 

And let us all feel bad for Inspector Binod Sharma who had the guts to investigate the murder of Dekendra Thapa. Our Home Ministry promoted 58 Inspectors to DSP this week. Sharma was denied promotion even though he was 8th in the list.  If only had Sharma listened to his senior officers and had done nothing in Dailekh then he would have been promoted to DSP. 

Maybe it’s time to police the police. But who will round up them cops who dress shabbily, pick their noses and chew paan parag and spend half their duty time talking on mobile phones? Our IGP saheb could do us a favor if he introduced a fine system for our cops who are drunk on duty , use foul language and act like hooligans.

image source: mothshutup.wordpress.com