The Right Candidate

It’s about time our beloved President threw a fit. Our clowns really don’t seem to take him seriously at all. Next time, these clowns visit him to request another extension, he should jump from his chair and break a table and throw it out the window. 

He may need to take a few Karate lessons from our martial artists but his ‘break the table’ move could scare the daylights out of our clowns.

The President should lock all these buffoons in his living room and not let them out until they forge consensus to resolve the political crisis. 

He should not even provide any refreshment or else our freeloaders will spend thousands of Rupees in chiya and samosas at the expense our taxpayers.
 

Let them bring their own sleeping bags and cooking utensils. Binod Chaudhary can provide free Wai Wais and our local farmers can give a bora of Chiura. The Kalimati Vegetable Market can donate some onions, tomatoes and green chillies. 

I don’t think we need to teach our clowns how to make a mean Wai Wai Sadeko! 
 

The Kangaroos are still sticking with old man Sushil. He already has the credentials to be our Prime Minister. He has received the love from his own cadre. 

Jhallu got slapped and he got the kurchi. So, maybe the time is right for Sushil da to sleep in Baluwatar. At his age, he should be going on a religious pilgrimage instead of grabbing the kurchi.
 

Bijaya dai is already the deputy sheriff and he wants to be the first Madhesi Prime Minister. He has really worked hard to reform the police force by adding more SSPs than needed and transferring crooked cops to lucrative postings. 

He has wiped out corruption from the police force since most of his pals are on the most wanted list and our senior cops aren’t getting any dough from them.
 

Some of our clowns have even proposed co-Prime Ministers so that both of them can attend ribbon-cutting ceremonies in the East and the West at the same time. 

If we really want co-Prime Ministers, then the right candidates would be Madan Krishna and Hari Bansha. Our politicians lack sense of humor. The Maha Jodi could help us relieve the frustration of daily shortages. Instead of listening to the bhajans every morning, we can tune in to our radios and start the day with daily jokes from the co-Prime Ministers.
 

Our Emperor is back to his old crazy antics. If he was working for Google, the company would have launched a new product every week. The Emperor probably spends majority of his time, thinking of new circus acts.  Now, he has proposed having an independent person as the Prime Minister. 

Do we really need a civil society leader to sleep in Baluwatar? Most of them civil society leaders are affiliated to major political parties and they seem to be in a coma for the past six years.
 

The right candidate to lead the consensus government would be Rajesh Hamal. Finally, we will have someone who will not look like a Hobbit (with due respect to all the little people) when taking a picture with the Obamas.
 

When Hamal addresses the UN General Assembly, other world leaders will actually listen to him because he has a Masters in English. He does know when to pause during a speech and knows a thing or two about syllables and pronunciation. 

He will probably even quote the classics and knows when to raise his hand and shake his head to make a point.
 

Hamal is a hard worker and has been working in the film industry for the past two decades unlike our clowns who have never held a regular job. While most of our Kollywood actors and actresses seem to lack social etiquette, Hamal is respected by the masses and the so-called classes.
 

Our Emperor has his irritating juggling acts, Dr. Saheb has his ‘horse’s eyesight’ but our Rajesh Dai has his ‘Hand of Iron’. When Rajesh Dai speaks, we will listen. When there is injustice, he will be in the front line unlike our Dr. Saheb who goes to a radio station and apologizes but does nothing more.
 

Hamal will probably have the right words for all occasions. He must have thousands of filmy dialogue in his head. Unlike our clowns, who blame everyone else except their mothers, Hamal will blame himself if he can’t get thing done. 

And if nothing works out, he will leave and  go home and make more movies instead of hanging on to power.
 

Maybe, we should have non-political hardworking citizens to fill up the cabinet as well.  Puspha Basnet should head the Women & Children Ministry. She is a ‘doer’ and not a ‘talker’.

Former finance secretary Rameshwor dai should head the Finance Ministry. Then all our fake VAT bill wallahs will finally pay the taxes they have been evading so far. We need ‘real’ people to lead us instead of fake prophets and their band of snake charmers.

The Silent Majority

The No Oil Corporation (NOC) has done us all a great favor by reducing the price of a liter of petrol by two rupees. Our bike-wallahs lining up to fill their tanks can now use that saving to suck on a candy or two to pass time.

It’s about time our caretaker government introduced some kind of an odd-even vehicle plate system in the valley. It could help to ease traffic congestion, air and noise pollution and our NOC could cut down their losses. 

But of course the NOC wallahs will always find a way to skim off money.  After all, they are as rich as the Emirs from the oil kingdoms!
 

Our caretaker government should sell all their expensive gas-guzzling vehicles and get cycles for our hakim sahebs. The Army chief is into cycling even if it’s only on Fridays. 

Dr. Saheb should top that by walking to work every day. Maybe then he will realize how much dhulo from the road widening project has affected the health of valley residents.
 

The No Electricity Authority (NEA) has increased the load shedding hours again. Why are we not surprised?  Dr. Saheb had earlier promised us that he would do everything in his power to  keep the load shedding hours to 12 hours max this winter.
 

Our netas have always been good at making empty promises and Dr. Saheb is no exception. Yes, we feel sorry for our Ali Baba because he has to make deals with forty thieves but you can’t keep on blaming your players when you are the team captain. 

If you can’t take the heat then quit instead of coming up with new nataks every month.
 

The cold wave has killed many folks across the country. Dr. Saheb should provide blankets to the needy ones but of course he is busy looking for extra-strength super-glue to hang on to his koorchi.

One of our sisters returning from the Middle East is robbed then raped by our government employees. 

The Immigration wallahs at our international airport are vultures. They have been trained to ask stupid questions and then exploit them folks who are either going or coming back from foreign lands. And if you are a woman and traveling alone then you are more likely to be harassed by these evil gnomes.
 

The police wallahs deployed at the international airport are not selected on the basis of their merit or skills. Either you need to be a cousin of a cousin of the neta or you need to pay the ‘quoted’ price to get the lucrative posting.
 

So when will this system change? It’s not going to happen until our mothers and sisters drag the rapist out of the police station and castrate him! We need to gherao the Department of Immigration and make sure that the guy who robbed the woman is tied to the electric pole and flogged publicly.
 

We do not have the death penalty but it’s about time we had strong laws to make sure that victims get justice and the criminals get the harshest punishment possible.
 

The caretaker government’s decision to provide Rs 1.5 lakhs to the victim is a slap against all women in the country. A criminal affiliated to a political party gets Rs 10 lakhs when he is killed by a rival gang. 

A woman whose hard-earned money has been robbed and then is sexually assaulted by the one who had sworn to protect the public is being treated like a nuisance.
 

Where are our naari organizations? Where are all them so-called women activists and civil society leaders? Are they all out of the country attending conferences and workshops on how to uplift the underprivileged Nepali women? 

Where is Hisila Didi?  Instead of running around town trying to get your siblings to head an organization or two, she should go to the police station and grab the rapist by his collar, bhut-lau him and give him a severe beating… and telecast the whole thing live on TV.
 

Nepal Police had earlier vowed to stop harassment of women in public vehicles and places. Whatever happened to their nautanki natak? We seriously need to change the way our security personnel deal with the general public. 

It’s high time we remind them that their salaries are paid for by our taxes. They have joined the force to serve the public but our public servants have become our masters.
 

Meanwhile, our beloved President is having fun visiting religious sites in India and getting a honorary doctorate of law. I hope he will do something about the attacks against women in this land of ours. 

Our women are being burnt, raped and murdered but we are not outraged. When will we finally have the courage to stand up and fight against them evil doers?

The End of The World

The world did not come to an end yesterday. It’s bad news for some of us. We still have to deal with load shedding, limited water supply and erratic mobile network. For some of our byaparis, they will once again have to worry about paying back their loans and at the same time will have to crack their brains on how to safely hide from angry clients who have paid the full amount for their dream homes that have yet to be built.

We can’t do much except hope that somebody will come up with a new doomsday prediction and we can look forward to the end of the world again. If the world was really going to end then them NASA folks would have alerted all of us.

The CIA people might not reveal the bad news to the rest of the world but they would probably make sure that all American Citizens got their seats on them spaceships a week before any asteroid hits the Earth. Richard Branson would probably make a trillion since he’s really crazy about making widespread space travel a reality.

So the day you don’t find any Americans in the United States, then it’s time to figure out that the world is really going to end. If you stop hearing about Lindsay Lohan getting into trouble then it’s time to ask our local lads at the Pulchowk Engineering Campus to build us a home-made spaceship.

Our netas are the most worried lot since they did promise us that they would find the consensus clown to lead the national looting government by today.  Maybe that’s why they went around town barking like rabid dogs about how they would resolve the political crisis a day after the end of the world.

Well, the world did not end and now we have to go back to our daily life of shortages. We are not complaining. It’s great to be alive and we still have the opportunity to hope for a better tomorrow.

But our clowns have made our beloved President look like a fool. His Excellency continues to extend the deadline and our clowns continue to procrastinate as if they are really waiting for the world to end and then that would solve all their headaches.

Our President is not a crazy wacko like Zuma from South Africa. The South African President believes that he will be safe from HIV if he showers right after being intimate with a HIV-infected person. I think Zuma needs to take a health education class. Well, he’s now 70 but it’s never too late to get an education. Somebody really needs to talk to this guy and teach him safe sex practices.

South Korea now has the first female President. Hope someday, we too will have a woman at the top. The new South Korean President has to deal with the young cowboy from North Korea who likes to launch missiles up in the air. Maybe she can act tough and give him a cold stare and a stern lecture as well.

But of course, our President is a ceremonial figure and the only authority he seems to have is the admin control to undo the ‘unlike’ button on an Army Chief.  Apart from that, he doesn’t seem to have much to do except beg our clowns to get their act together.

A school teacher can fail students if they don’t submit their assignments on time.  Maybe, we should give our President a big bamboo stick and he should be given the authority to spank our clowns if they continue to act like juvenile delinquents. I really am not in favor of corporal punishment but since our laws don’t allow capital punishment, maybe a little bit of spanking will help to straighten out our band of hooligans.

So what should the President do? He could go on national television and throw a rant. Will that help? Probably not but it would at least give us a moment to clap whenever he calls them clowns ‘incompetent fools’. 

Obama is Time’s Person of The Year 2012… let us hope that one day our Lord Ramu will also get on the cover of Time Magazine for making us feel good and believe that things will be alright! Our clowns should learn a thing or two from Obama. Even if he can’t get things done, you still like him because he tells you that there is hope for a better tomorrow.