Looking for a ‘Consensus Clown’

The way things are going in our country, a monkey could be the right candidate to lead the so-called national unity government.  Maybe we should get one from Pashupati and have him or her pick out one of them funny cards from the roadside fortune teller when making decisions for the country. 

Our clowns would probably fare worse than the monkeys if they were given IQ tests.

Our political parties have now missed the second deadline and the President has given them six more days to drink tea, crack jokes and do nothing. The President should send our clowns to British Council so that they can learn a few Angrezi words like ‘consensus’, ‘constitution’ and maybe ‘competence’ as well.
 

While our netas attend the English course at the BC … they can always take their lunch break at the Indian Embassy nearby and enjoy the usual Desi masala-mix lunch. 

After all the Desis do provide free gift hampers to our incompetent nincompoops now and then. The British Embassy can provide free gin and tonic and maybe high tea as well.
 

 The Kangaroos want their old man to be our Prime Monster.  Wisdom comes with age but it looks our netas are the only group of senior citizens who have no clue on how to make things right.  

Most of us do make better decisions as we grow older. Our netas are a different breed. They continue to act like kids high on sugary drinks, throwing tantrums because they did not get a bigger piece of the birthday cake.
 

Let’s not be too harsh on them…. after all most of them buffoons have spent majority of their lives talking gibberish and have rarely held any jobs for a decent period of time.  

A year or two working in some school, firm or development projects won’t make one an expert.  If you can’t solve the problems then it’s better to hire folks who can resolve them. 

But our netas only care about their cadres and cousins while the common citizens will now have to think twice before ordering milk tea at the local chiya pasal.
 

It looks like only lazy bums are fit for Nepali politics. Well, we do have a few smarty pants like Dr. Saheb and other PhD wallahs but just because one has an advanced degree does not mean that the person is capable of making the perfect omelet.
 

Dr. Saheb could have done us a big favor if he had focused on getting all the clowns on the same bandwagon to write the so-called constitution. But he thought it would be better if we had wider roads so that all the ministers’ gaadis would pass without being stuck in traffic. 

It won’t make a difference even if we have a 12-lane highway in the middle of Kathmandu. We will continue to have idiot drivers and gung-ho bikers who want to show us all that it is possible to squeeze in between lanes without getting run over by a speeding Micro.
 

I am not against our smarty pant’s nautanki nataks but it’s time our caretaker government handed out free cough syrups and masks to help us deal with the dust storm. 

I hope Dr. Saheb can explain without going on a rant on why the government has decided to withdraw criminal cases against his party’s cadres.  Most of our mundrey gundas are affiliated to the political parties and our clowns do need them to do the dirty work here and there.
 

Our schools should get rid of ‘Moral Science’ classes because we would be sending the wrong message to our kids by teaching them to be honest and law-abiding citizen. 

I hope someday, a local bookstore will publish a book on how to beat the system. It will probably sell a million copies and maybe bag the Madan Puraskar as well.
 

The kuireys have ranked our country at the 139th position in the Corruption Perception Index (CPI). That’s not too bad… we are still a less corrupt than the 30+ other countries.  

Our peons want Chiya Kharcha, the section officers want fuel expenses and the hakim sahebs want a Santro for their Missus. And what about our netas? They want to amass enough dough to last seven generations.
 

But all good things must come to an end.  One day, the looting has to stop and the thieves must pay for their crimes.  

We are always looking out for a savior but we only spring into action when the electricity comes on. Some will rush to charge their mobile phones, some to catch the LIVE football game on TV and some will turn on the motor to fill up their water tyankie. 

We do need a jolt and maybe a kick in our backside to wake us all to demand hisab kitab from them morons. Maybe we should all meet up to find a consensus arse-kicker for now!

Deadlines are for losers

I hope someone from the TU’s English Department will be kind enough to remind our clowns that deadline is the date when something must be completed.  

Yes, once in a while it might be extended, for instance, like when you are organizing a beauty pageant and you don’t get enough participants to cover your expenses.  Manpower companies do extend their deadlines whenever they have a hard time finding enough young folks to be exploited in the Middle East. 

But we are not talking about ‘Miss Ward Number 13’ or ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ here. While common citizens are still hopeful of a new constitution, our clowns are only worried about how to get their hands in the national coffer and enjoy the loot.

What’s the use of a deadline if you keep on extending it for eternity? We are not going to live forever but our buffoons act like they will still be around to see the Halley’s Comet in 2061 AD. 

We might never get 24 hour electricity or paani from Melamchi in our lifetime but at least give us a new constitution. It might not really make any difference in our lives but it will provide us an opportunity to gather at the local chiyal pasal and argue about the violations of articles of constitutions by our clowns.

When we say ‘Peace’, our freeloaders think it must mean ‘Piece’ and then go back to fighting over a piece of the pie.  What must we do to wake up our lazy bums?  A slap here and there is not going to scare these vultures. 

Maybe we should just clap every time one of them fools show up somewhere. If a clown shows up to inaugurate a toilet at the local school, just begin clapping and don’t even let the clown begin his or her speech. 

It will probably be the same lies that he or she has repeated a thousand times. So keep on clapping until the clown has no choice but to leave the venue, hop on a helicopter and head back to the capital.

A student will probably get a bad grade if he or she does not submit her assignments on time.  But there is no pressure for our stupid netas. They know very well that they are not going home with a failing grade if they don’t finish the assigned tasks on time. 

Their parents are not going to chase them with a broom or cut off their TV time.   And their kids are least bit worried about how their parents have ruined this country.  But of course, let us not blame the children for the sins of their parents. After all, most of them crown princelings seem not to follow the news.

Our beloved gave the clowns a week to find a so-called ‘consensus’ candidate for Prime Monster.  Our political parties failed to find the ‘right’ person to sleep in Baluwatar and asked for an extension. The President has once again given them a week to find the new ‘Maharaja’.

So what happens when our clowns can’t agree on the right clown by next week. They will once again ask for another extension and Lord Rama will probably have no choice but to oblige.

Our Emperor didn’t even last 9 months and although nobody had really asked for his resignation, he went ahead and quit because he couldn’t stand the heat. Or maybe he figured out that he would have more free time to hang out with the bidhesis if he stepped aside.

Makune could not win the hearts and minds of the voters but he still managed to crash at Baluwatar. The loser managed to spend 600+ days as our official jester and all he had to show for was a picture with the Obamas. Somebody should have told him to wear a nine-inch heels or he could have been on stilts instead.

Jhallu Baba became our Prime Monster. And what did we get? Nothing… and we really weren’t expecting much. Dr. Saheb can beat Makune’s record of day dreaming in Baluwatar if he manages to stick around until April.

 Baidya Uncle wants ‘Badal’ dai to be our next Prime Monster. Our Home Minister is also tired of being a ‘Deputy’. We don’t know how Badal will do but let us all pray that our Homie won’t be leading the next government. 

Our police wallahs are being forced to look the other way as our Homie hangs out with the mundrey gundas who are on the ‘most wanted list’.

If our clowns can’t agree on the ‘right’ candidate.. then they should either play a card game of marriage with the four finalists or just send the highest bidder to Baluwatar! 

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter to us how they play the game of thrones… we will just be skin and bones still waiting for our ice-cream cone!

Do the Right Thing

Dr. Saheb should resign. According to our opposition wallahs, that would be the right thing to do so that all of our crooks can finally come together and form a national consensus government. If we get the so-called national unity government then all buffoons from our major political parties can get together and share the loot. 

After all, why should we leave out the Kangaroos and the Unidentified Moronic Losers from enjoying free lunch? It’s about time our Mao & Madhesi (M&Ms) cared about the other good for nothing freeloaders as well. 

Somebody should remind them that ‘sharing is caring’ and at the end of the day, our parties do need to take care of their cadres or else every one of our clowns will need to wear full-body armors whenever they organize a chiya-paan karyakaram.
 

Our opposition wallahs really need good event managers.  Why not come up with a schedule like them film festivals around town.  Distribute your flyers to the general public and let us know when we should not be out on the street when the crazy wackos run around town swirling them torches and shouting stupid slogans.
 

Instead of gathering their cadres for a daily morning chakka jam routine,  use them for something productive.. like a daily ‘pick up the trash’ and sweep the streets campaigns. Maybe they could up the ante and clean up the Bagmati river or if them cadres are really pumped up then we can ask them to dig tunnels so that finally, we can shower with the paani from Melamchi. 

It’s about time our young angry birds learn how to build something instead of acting like they are infected with rabies. I hope our political parties do hand out free rabies shots as well.
 

Dr. Saheb thinks he should not resign. If he steps down this afternoon then the country will be swallowed up by a dark evil force.  If we believe the conspiracy theories woven by his crew then the world will probably end as soon as he leaves Baluwatar for good.  

And who knows… Darth Vader will show up and take over the country.  Star Wars might be a little old school for the young ones hola..so let’s stick with Voldemort for now.

So is Dr. Saheb our Harry Potter? Certainly not. He really doesn’t know any magic except for promising us new tricks and while we wait to be enthralled by his performance, he just moves on to another natak. 

The Emperor was once a real magician but he just ran out of tricks.  And he has also earned himself a badge of honor as he has now joined the official ‘SBYOPC’. No it’s not the “Son, Bring Your Own Personal Chamcha” stuff.   I think all of us can figure out the real acronym ni.
 

I hope our Emperor will forgive the young lad who wanted to fix his specs. Well, it would be a little tough for him to forget the incident and let us all hope that his security detail won’t be asking his well-wishers to only appear tied up in strait-jackets from now on. 

The Emperor has not commented on the incident yet. I think he should go on national television and proclaim that he has forgiven the fellow who wanted to check if his glasses were designer stuff.
 

I hope our netas have learned their lessons well. Next time, instead of getting up close and personal, just hop on a pick up truck and wave at your cadres. Maybe our great leaders should just stay home and send their cadres lunch boxes from the local mithai pasal.
 

Our political cadres have slapped hundreds of hardworking citizens who wanted to go to work or ferry the sick during them bandh days. Tit for Tat is never good.. so next time if you want to vent your anger against one of our clowns then buy a birthday cake and hurl it from across the street so that it will land right on his face. 

I hope our cadres won’t go crazy then and the one who gets the cake on his face can laugh it off and enjoy the sweet stuff. One who wants to be cake-hurler will need a very strong arm and can learn a few tricks by watching Amriki Football.
 

And what about us? What would be the right thing to do .. as common citizens? Nothing.  If you are stuck in a traffic jam and then you notice one of our clowns riding around in a national flag-fluttering SUV then all of us should stand still and begin slapping each other.Why? So that the patriotic politician can feel the pain. But whom are we kidding?  To our netas, this world is flat and we are the doormat.