What Manisha needs to do...

The Desi media is blabbering about Manisha's failed marriage to our Nepali byapari Samrat Dahal! Yes, we were all surprised when she got married to SD! We expected her to marry a Kuire hola... since she was learning Aussie Rules Football from some Ozzie diplomat in Delhi! 

She had her flings .... with the die-log raajkumar , Nana Patekar and then some Desi DJ kyaaruh! Ek jawana ma tuh Paras dai lay pani side-diyeko thiyo .. hehe!

Koirala didi separated from her husband a few months ago and she was staying at her home, drinking raksi from 10 in the morning nai. Yes, I have got my sources and am not making things up ... hehe! I think it's good that she decided to go back to Mumbai and find out if she still has any offers left from the movie wallahs!

Well, she can't compete with them gals in their 20s ... unless she calls up Demi Moore to ask for her trainer's number.. hehe! I think she would be really great at doing them 'Dimple Kapadia' roles now.  

Dimple Auntie is already in her late 50s abuh tuh. Late Rajesh Khanna should have been sent to jail for marrying a 16-year old then. But he was a superstar then .... and they didn't have them 'jay ko laagi pani' activists in India like today ni.

Dimple Auntie's first movie 'Bobby' was out in 1973. Our dads must have bought them movie tickets for the whole week hola... hehe! Manisha didi should do them 'motherly' roles abuh dekhi! Yes, if she still wants to stick around Bollywood then ... she will have to play 'Ma' for Shahrukh, Aamir and nearly everyone else hola.

The Desis really love Manisha. What about us? Well, we are Nepalese... we are only proud of Everest, the Gurkhas, the Sherpas and Lord Buddha! Udit Narayan became a famous playback singer in Bollywood but he still doesn't get any respect in our land! Yestai ho... kya.... but we are proud that Demi Moore was here to have a cup of chiya with Anuradha didi and hang out for a photo-op at Maiti Nepal. 

Leonardo Di Caprio was here kyaaruh.. a few years ago. He's into saving tigers and the WWF folks invited him to Nepal. Yes, we love them Kuireys hagi.... but when it comes to our folks who have made their name in foreign lands... we accuse them of leaving us to deal with all the pollution, corruption and frustration etiyaadi. But we do love them song 'Yo mun tuh Nepali ho' hehe!

We should be proud that Manisha didi managed to stay in the rat race for a couple of years in Bollywood ni.  She can't dance and I think she really can't act but she was once the leading Bollywood actress in her days! I can't dance and I don't know how to act either ... so I don't think I should be harsh on her.

I met Manisha didi once... New York ma... She was hanging out at her relative's apartment. She finished a bottle of raksi in a few hours. The lady loves to drink. It's her life and she can drink all she wants ni but I expected her to do that when she was alone or with her close friends or Nana Patekar ... hehe! Thank God... we didn't have twitter or Facebook then... or you would have seen her pics.. drunk as a skunk.. ki kay bhancha ni.. hehe!

I don't know what's next for Manisha... but maybe she can show the (Desi) world that she still has her act together and instead of acting in shitty movies ..... baroo produce your own stuff and do a movie like 'Malena' hola. I think she should call Prakash Jha and ask for a role or two. The Bihari is one of my favorite Bollywood directors. 

Ram Gopal Varma is still in love with Manisha didi. Well, RGV is in love with everyone else including himself kyaaruh and ... even Sunny Leone.. hehe! Ramu dai should make a movie about a middle-aged lady who goes on a rampage against the system or something. 

Amitabh shook the Bollywood world with his 'angry young man' natak.... maybe Manisha can do it with her 'angry middle-aged woman' roles ni!

Let us all wish Manisha didi .. a happy single life again.... I think she should just go ahead and file for divorce nai. And hope we will see her in a Prakash Jha movie next year. 

And instead of drinking raksi for breakfast ... she should drink a glass or two of Ghiraula ko juice. I hear it really helps.... and her voluptuousness would be a big asset for them South India movies... but once you are in your 40s.. you need to take care of yourself pani. 

Yoga is good. Zumba is good or kehi bhaye-nuh bhaney .... take up weight-lifting nai! Kay tha-ha... it would be fun to see Manisha didi with a six-pack and do a movie like 'Ek Tha Tiger-ni' and kick Salman's arse.. hehe!

UML clowns and their chakka jaams!

Our great 'other' comrades are now carrying out their so-called protest programs to topple the Baburam-led government rey. Our Dr. Saheb is not someone who is going to walk away just because a bunch of a hired goons shut down the valley everyday from 6am to 10am! He has a written contract with our Desis and he is going to stay put until the Desis get bored with him... hehe!

Youth Association Nepal is a sister-wing of the CPN-UML. Jhallu Baba became our PM and so did Makune! Since our Eh-Maleys are not getting any share of the loot.... they have no choice but to take to the streets and make our lives miserable.

All our sahujis who go to them gym-khanas now have to either walk or jog. Since most of them have bhudis as big as their gaadis... they probably can't run like them Ethiopians and even if the health club was like 100 meters away from their homes.. they won't be bolting through the door like our Usain bhai from Jamaica ni.

I don't how our YAN gundas came up with the timing kya.... I guess some of them are big-tyam Ram Dev Baba fans .... who wake up at 5am in the morning for them breathing exercises. And they wanted all other mundrey gundas to be up and running by 6 in the morning.  Our Eh-Maley goons will have to stay away from jaad-raksi for a while if they continue to do them 'early morning' chakka-jaams for the rest of the week!

Once again... our school kids suffer the most..... since they have to be at their bus stops by 7-7:30 am nai! And for our 'morning' college wallahs.... no more classes for the week! The office wallahs will have to wait until 10am to grab a micro to work. The only folks who are actually enjoying the morning chakka jaams are our sarkaari karmacharis!

Them government clowns don't own any watches and them sarkari offices don't have any clocks hola. I have yet to see the hakim saheb at the office by 10am except for our Dr. Saheb and the other incompetent civil servants at the Prime Minister's Office. 

Even if them public vehicles are out on the streets after 10am, our sarkari freeloaders will have a few excuses to show up late ... they will probably be at them offices by 12 and then it's tyam for khaja sajha after an hour or two ni! Kya mazza.... hagi... sarkaari jagir....  you get paid to do nothing and still make more than your salary by asking for chiya kharcha from us!

The YAN-nies are also carrying out them torch rallies every evening. Instead of running around town carrying them torches, shouting stupid slogans and disrupting traffic.... why don't you guys organize a BBQ fesitval in front of Singha Durbar nai! 

We would all attend and bring our own bag of masoo pani. Save them laathis, torch sorch, kerosene and what not... baroo buy them grills from Bhatbhateni and make Min Bahadur Gurung dai a little more richer! 

If you are really into buying the good stuff then you can buy some masoo from Tiwari Dai... Nina & Hager wallah! If you don't care if them raa-gaa ko masoo was attacked by them crows on its way to the local pasal then you can get it anywhere. What about seafood?  I don't know ..... abuh hamrai desh ko trout pole-nay ani khaney Singha Durbar agaadi basey-ruh!

Rekha Thapa has already danced with Prachandoo ... she won't be coming to the Eh-Maley program... abuh kas lai bolau-ney ni? I don't know.... haamrai Nepali 'Rakhi Sawant' lai invite garey hooncha hola. Sushma Karki is getting tons of offers for them item numbers from our Kollywood producers rey!

And our doctors @ Manipal hospital don't want to go back to work until they get their salary hike rey. I feel sorry for our doctors ... MBBS ma euta arko new subject rakhnoo parla.. mixed-martial arts! Our doctors need to learn them fighting skills because  every tyam a patient dies... his or her relatives attack them daaktaariz...! I think a pepper spray (thulo cylinder nai) or a Taser would do! 

The Limbuwan wallahs have shut down  nine eastern districts in the country. Why? Because today is Shrawan 22 and on this day, the original 'Mao-baadi' Prithivi Narayan Dai attacked the Limbuwan state back in 1831 BS rey! 

Why are we still hung up with the House of Shah? The Ranas had more fun and the Congressis made more than the Mandaleys and our Maoists have probably topped them all! I think we should just shut down the country for a year .. yeso carbon credit ki kay bhancha ni... tyes batuh nai paisa aucha hola ni!

Back to the story of the day: the mundrey gundas from YAN plan to carry out a nationwide shutdown tomorrow rey. Lau badhai cha hai... daaka haroo ho! I am still waiting for the day when our Aama Samuha (Mother's Group) will finally wake up and beat the shit out of them banda-wallahs with all them daa-doo, panyo-z, gaagri-saagri pani... it's tyam for the real 'Nepali' women to stand up! 

Hail to the Chiefs!

Dr. Saheb could have given our women a boost by promoting Brinda Hada as the new Chief Secretary. But he found Mr. Leela Mani Poudel more competent than other ‘minority’ candidates.  I guess Mr. Poudel must have put on a pretty decent ‘Ramlila’ show at the Prime Minister’s Office.
 

And as usual, the other senior government secretaries are now resigning because they don’t want to work under a ‘junior’.  Our  hakim sahebs have too much ego and most of these ‘seniors’ had only a month or two left for retirement anyway. Our caretaker government needs to hire them motivational speakers and teach our civil servants how to be good losers.
 

And for the sake of the Dhaka Topi, can you guys at least learn how to retire gracefully instead of storming out like a kid who didn’t get the biggest candy bar?
 

Professor SD Muni, the Desi Guru-Ba, who is a mentor to our Dr. Saheb has finally come out of the closet.  No, he is not going for a gender- reassignment surgery anytime soon but if he grew long hair (transplant will do) and beard and added a few inches to his height then he would probably look like Gandalf or Dumbledore. Or if we go with the Hindu mythology then let’s think about Dronacharya minus the warrior skills!

Anyway, the so-called ‘Nepal’ expert tells us that our Emperor and the one and only ‘Smarty Half-Pyant’ had sent love letters to the Desis. Yes, our patriotic revolutionaries promised not to go ‘anti-Indian’ and professed their love for all things Bollywood way back in 2002 rey!
 

I think the Indian Embassy should host a 10-year anniversary of the great love affair between our former rebels and the RAW blokes! Was the 40-point demand nothing but another nautanki natak?
 

If  Sheroo Dai had been kind enough to address their demands then,  we would not be paying Rs 200+ to watch Bollywood flicks today and  the only food wallahs making money in the valley wouldn’t be the ones selling pani puris outside them malls.
 

If we had really banned everything ‘Desi’ like our comrades had demanded then…  we would be watching only French movies and eating escargot today! And instead of going crazy with ‘Desi Girl’ at all them party palaces during the wedding season, maybe we would be bobbing our heads to fresh beats from David Guetta.
 

The caretaker government is busy taking care of itself and apart from that it really wants to expand the roads in the capital. Somebody must have a plan to host a Formula One racing event in the valley someday! Keshav Sthapit has only plans for a ‘love park’ so let’s cross him off the ‘conspirators’ list hai.
 

The army’s welfare fund has like Rs 21.75 billion thanks to our soldiers who go to them UN peacekeeping missions. Deducting 10% from your paycheck is understandable but why is the army collecting 22% from each personnel serving in them UN missions? And if the generals’ wives want to act like Maharanis then they should at least pass out from the basic training.
 

I guess we will never get to use the Maitighar-Bhadrakali route through the Army Headquarters. Maybe it’s time to relocate the army headquarters to the outskirts of the valley. Our traffic cops will save some energy by not having to salute the jar-saabs every time they pass through Thapathali.
 

We will have a new Army Chief this September. The House of Shumsher makes a comeback again but we should give the man credit that he has risen through the ranks on his own merit. The seniority rule hasn’t been broken in the army yet.
 

Our media tells us that Gaurav dai has close ties with the Indian political class. He is pretty tight with the Amrikans as well. Nine years ago on this day, our comrades did try to ambush his convoy. He survived because the second pipe bomb misfired. Well that was then and this is now. We are no longer in war except for Baidya dai who still wants a rematch or something.
 

We should not be suspicious of him just because he happens to be a great-grandson of a Shree Tin Maharaja. We already have a bunch of Shree Aath Maharajas now.  At least the guy has slogged for more than 40 years and he has made it to the top now. If it were like the good old days then he would have been a General even before he learned his ABCs!
 

If Gaurav dai doesn’t want to move the Army HQ somewhere else then he can at least do us a favor by building a flyover. Baroo make it a sky tunnel of sorts and the army can collect toll tax as well. At least the army welfare fund will make more money than the crappy interest our banks are paying them right now.