Gun & Boots to Gumboots...

Our visionary netas must have saved all the nataks for the end of the year or they just wanted to wrap things up so that they could celebrate the Naya Barsa without a hangover.

The only people who really don’t have to take them breathalyser tests are the blue-plated bideshis, the patriotic flag flutterers driving around in them sarkari gaadis and the distant relatives of the traffic wallah on duty. For everyone else, it’s better to stick to Fanta!

Finally, the PLA arms and cantonments are now secured by the Nepal Army. We were all shocked not because the PLA and NA soldiers were high-fiving each other but because our government decided to begin the handover process a day or two earlier. Whatever happened to Nepali tyam?

Our Emperor claims to have really gambled with his ‘handover’ move. If he hadn’t decided to resign a while ago then maybe our freeloaders would have finished writing the constitution by now and the peace process would have concluded sooner hola.

The great gambler sure knows when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em but sooner or later, he has to go all in because the poker game can’t go on forever ni.

Four years and billions of rupees in chiya kharcha and bhattas later, we are still hoping our netas will get their act together. The bideshis are now applauding the so-called progress of the peace process while we are just happy to go along with the circus act. If one could get a Nobel Prize for bragging and whining then nearly all our great leaders would have won the Peace Prize by now.

But it’s never too late bhancha ni! We will probably get a half-baked constitution on May 27 and then it’s time for another round of wasting the taxpayer’s money with the general elections. But that’s better than being stuck in a rut!

Our netas have a month and a half now to figure out how to get everyone on the same page and give us a new constitution. I guess we should just hold our breath and expect our magicians to pull some tricks a day before the CA’s term ends.

The banda season has arrived. The Janamorcha banda was mild compared to bandas by the other political parties. I think they don’t have enough hooligans and mundrey gundas. If you don’t have enough goons then your party won’t be taken seriously at all. And you need to be friends with folks who own second-hand tyre stores as well.

A banda is not a banda without vandalism, tyre-burning and harassing common citizens who have to go to work.

We have to thank the Baidya faction for keeping the ‘torch rallies’ and chakka-jaam festival alive during the banda season. Baidya uncle is probably the last of the Mohicans. I think he hasn’t finished reading some books about them revolutions in the early 1900s hola.

Somebody please give him the new editions. Most of our comrades are teachers and we can’t blame them for sticking to their notes because it’s much easier to teach the same stuff every day than revising and adapting to the ever-changing world.

The Janamorcha wallahs don’t want federalism, the Baidya faction just wants to go for a revolt and nothing else while the Lord Vishnu fan club wants to go on a door-to-door campaign to revive the monarchy rey. And we, the people, want a cylinder of cooking gas so that we can at least get a cup of chiya before we head out to work every morning.

Kathmandu is now a cleaner city thanks to Dr Saheb and his crew. He has been busy sweeping and shoveling around town. It is very inspiring to see him and our sarkaari hakims cleaning up the Bagmati river. We really have moved on…from guns and boots to gumboots.

But the week-long ‘Clean Kathmandu’ campaign has ended. Kathmandu Metropolitan City did a fine job by spending millions on over-priced gloves and masks. I guess they will never learn…why do you need chiya kharcha for everything?

I don’t think we will see the KMC folks cleaning anything from tomorrow onwards and things will be the same again. Maybe, the government should make it mandatory for all citizens (yes even the civil servants and corrupt clowns will have to join in the fun!) to participate in a cleanup campaign once a week.

An hour will do…and we can save billions of rupees because we will be buying our own masks and gloves instead of letting KMC do some hina-mina!

Dr Saheb’s Mustang did not inspire any of his fellow cabinet wallahs. His ‘gumboot’ might not inspire us to clean Bagmati hola but it will surely help us to navigate the streets this monsoon.

Squeeze in ... please!

The road widening natak was supposed to clear traffic congestion in the Valley but due to hawa-taari planning and lack of co-ordination among them sarkari agencies, we will all have to get used to more dhulo-mulo this summer.

And when the monsoon comes, the war zones will be more hilo-gilo and we will all end up on the streets because now, even the old sidewalks are just piles of concrete mess!

Our clowns, civil servants, and cops don’t really have to worry about using the sidewalks or walking on the streets because we pay for their free rides and free lunches as well.

Our hakim sahebs are out of touch with reality (they were never in touch anyway)…maybe they should just walk to work one day and see for themselves that pedestrians have to suffer the most as they compete with the bikes, gaadis, and party cadres who love to organize ‘flash mobs’ in the city!

And the new proposed sidewalks in the war zones are big enough to fit only four year olds and only if they walk in single file. Sorry, we are Nepalis, be it pedestrians, bikers or the crazy micro bus wallahs, we all like to hog the road!

Instead of wasting billions on the so-called ‘volunteer’ campaign and giving ‘free’ dough to party cadres, why not open ‘Single File Walking Club’ chapters in the country and give us some walking shoes, chana, chiya, and gas masks so that we don’t breathe in all the dhulo-mulo?

As always, our government won’t have the money because citizens do not figure in their ‘free lunch’ list. Although it doles out billions of rupees every year to all political parties and paketmaars to organize their cultural programs and what not, the ‘real’ jantas get no respect while fake ‘VAT’ bill wallahs get all the love!

If we were to do a poll, we’d find that the only folks who knew that the thing called ‘Nagar Bikas’ existed were the ones who were getting ‘free’ salary since 1977. Yes, Dr Saheb and his crew are hell bent on giving us wider roads by following some plan from the 70s.

Maybe, the land-full people of Kathmandu should align with the landless people in the Valley and start a joint-struggle committee to demand alternative land or housing arrangements for everyone!

I am not against road widening projects but it would have been better if they did one neighborhood at a time instead of going crazy with them bulldozers (owned by Ganesh Lama dai!). But we really can’t blame Dr Saheb and his visionary advisors. After all, they have always excelled at bhawt-kaa-ing (destroying) stuff than bana-ying (building) anything!

Now, Dr Saheb is going crazy with his ‘clean Kathmandu’ campaign. It’s a good start to see our sarkari hakims holding brooms for the first time in their lives and doing some sweeping even if it was for a photo-op.

We would all have applauded if Dr Saheb had taken a whole day off and went on a ‘sweeping’ binge by cleaning up Singha Durbar but he had a busy schedule so he just observed our civil servants sweeping for a few minutes rey.

Of course, he is the Prime Minister and not a ward chairperson or a mayor ni, but he seems to act like the mayor of Kathmandu sometimes! And our civil servants will be fined Rs 100 if they don’t put their trash in the dustbins inside Singha Durbar rey.

C’mon, we are a republic now (more of a ‘rip-off-the-public’) and we should be more inclusive hoinuh ruh? So let’s end the discrimination and apply the ‘fine’ system to everyone!

Maybe Dr Saheb can save billions of rupees and just get the national volunteers to act as ‘fine collectors’ as well. The reason why people continue to drive without their ‘blue books’ and the byaparis continue to sell adulterated products is because of the low fine system and soft punishment.

We could follow the Scandinavian ‘based on your income’ fine system thing but then our netas and their chamchas would pay nothing because they are the only ones who have a hard time figuring out how much they make in a year. It’s very hard to keep track when everything is done under the table kya. Maybe we can start fining violators based on how much their mobile phone costs.

Our government wants us to set aside one day’s salary and give it to some fund they plan to launch soon to help the people. I think Oxford Dictionary should change the meaning of this word in their next edition (if they come out with a South Asian version!).

In shark (SAARC) countries, when the netas talk about doing it for the people, then it means that the party cadres will get to share the loot while the rest of us get the boot!

Abu Kay Huney Ho?

I went to our tole baasi ko meeting today.... and we were supposed to talk about Nagar Bikash wallahs and why the hakim saheb did not forward our letter to his bosses even after we had asked hamro chettra ko CA member-ni to give us her autograph... but instead of worrying about when the crazy so-called 'Road Warriors' would show up and start demolishing ghars shars in our neighborhood... we spent like an hour talking about politics!

The lawyer dai, who thinks he should be a Supreme Court Justice (someday?) says, 'During the Indira Gandhi administration, back in 1963, tyeti bela ko desi cabinet had passed some secret resolution rey..' Yes, the Desis had planned way back then that they would take over Sikkim by 1990 and Nepal lai 2015 vitra haat paarney rey! Well, the Desis didn't have to wait much to gobble up Sikkim hagi!

I really wanted to get up and say 'Ye bahula, I think Nehru was still alive then and his dauhter Indy didn't become the Prime-Minister-ni till 66' ni!' but I just wanted to hear how the guff-suff followed after then kya... so I decided to shut up! I know Indy became the PM-ni in 66' because that's the year England won the World Cup!

No, I wasn't born then... but I have always been a Enggie fan since I was in the first grade till 1990! Then I stopped watching them World Cup nai.. hehe! I have even stopped supporting Liverpool .. switched to Nottingham Forest now.. haha! (use google baba or mata if you don't get my jokes hai!)

Well, he might have meant 'Nehru' hola but who comes up with all them conspiracy theories? I don't know... I thought only kaam napaa-yeko guffadis hang out at Chiya pasals and get their dose of 'daily conspiracy theories' in this town but I guess I was wrong. Even 50+ budos like to talk BS rahecha!

Then another uncle, probably in his 60s joins the guff session. "Ho ... (as in 'Yes' ni feri..), Mailey pani yo kura muh college pawdney bela ma soonay ko thiye!" Yes, we also heard about how Dippy dai would be the last Shah king back when we were kids. Tyesto po ho tuh prediction bhanya... Nostradumbass can eat bhootya chew-raaa!

Abuh kay cha-hi-yo hamro lawyer babu lai... he then goes on and on... about how you can get this one and only book .. tyo pani only in Delhi rey... and tyes ma lekhya cha rey ..... China will take over Tibet and Nepal will be another Sikkim by 2015 rey!

Whoever has written this book must have drank too much 'funny' water during Holi hola! Abuh 60s ma lekhya kitab (ani late 50s ko kura predict garecha gadha lay!)... it's like Guffadi writing a book now and predicting the death of Gaddafi. He is already read.... you can't predict the past ni bewakoof!

I have no idea what I am trying to say... but lawyer-ji added another guff... 'The Indians had sent 400,000 troops to Sikkim to surround 384,000 Sikkimese rey!'... I guess his dad was working for the Sikkim Census Bureau then hola ni!

Well, we won't be another Sikkim because we don't have king-ji anymore! Unless, India decides to close down them borders and when we have no fuel for like a month or two then we might all take to the streets and ask our Lord Vishnu to come back hola ni.

Well, that's how Biru dai had to back down (tyeti bela them fuel suel didn't matter ... I think it was more chini, noon or ghee hola!) and Gyanu dai had to go back to playing poker online and quit running the country like he ran his businesses after the Desis got tired of giving free lunch to our current Shree Tin Maharaj!

Why is Gyanu dai still going around the country, visiting them temples and bajaa-ing them ghantas? Pahila pani tyetro puja garya ho ni... kehi kaam lagyo tuh? Buy some new clubs and go play some golf at Gokarna Forest Golf Club baroo!

But lawyer-ji tells us 'India will close down them borders for two months after May 27 rey!' Ani everything will go crazy in Kathmandu! I guess he's also tele-pathetic hola.. hehe! I don't know if he read my mind or my smirk gave out!

I was getting irritated by all them guff suff. I am supposed to be the 'guffadi', the one with the stupid jokes ni.. hehe! Tyes pachi, another grumpy old man got tired of all them jpt guff hola.. he got up and shouted.. 'Kay taal ko ho ... kay ko meeting bhaney-ruh bola-yo malai.... sabai saan-shud haroo ko bhela po rahecha!'.

The old man headed for the door and on his way out... told everyone that our netas are full of sheet but they will compromise and give us a half-baked constitution and leave some room for kay bhancha ni... pachi ko laagi amendment saw-men-d-ment etiyaadi.

Then we head for another election selection (feri hamrai paisa jhwaaam!)... while them PLA combatants will get new 'army' jackets and ration paani... and stay inside them army barracks eating glucose biskoot rey! We all know that nearly all them PLA combatants in them cantonments were actually members of them Mao-buddie cultural groups kya. Baroo... yeso dance sance classes haroo run garey hunch hola abuh NA ko barracks haroo ma!

The meeting is finally over.. we decide to visit Nagar Bikash tomorrow at 10am sharp because the hakim saheb is home by 10:30am rey! Life is good for our sarkaari bhaat-eys hagi!

Ani.. I get home... (dal bhat chapa-ing!) and wash them dishes! It's been the rule since someone invented fire kyaaruh.. The last person to eat dinner gets to wash them dishes.. hehe! I am a bad cook.. I only know how to make home fries (rato dhulo khursaani halyo bhaney it becomes "Alu Dum") .... I think I was a dishwasher in my previous life! And I was a good one then pani!

Ye.. lau babal paani parna thalyo.. asina pani jharey-cha .... we all love the rain .. don't we? Ye.. euta geet yaad ayo.. back in 1997, Missy Elliott had this cool track.. The Rain ki kay ho... something like that.. supa dupa fly... I can't stand the rain bhan-chin tyeti bela... wrong song po bhayo tuh .. anyway tyeti bela ko laagi tuh cool video thiyo tyo... then she lost weight and she wasn't cool anymore!

p.s. Former IGP Motilal Bohara lai Special Court lay 18 mahina jail sajai suna-ye-cha. Lawyer-ji tells me he will get to appeal rey... taruh yeso soonda chai Bohara uncle pani aroo IGP haroo sangaw 'marriage' khel-nuh pauney bhayo rey!