If I become the Prime Monster!

We have had four Prime-Monsters (Prime-Ministers!) since 2008 and hope Baburam dai will be our last when they wrap things up and we can finally have a general election and a 'real' government to take care of our needs kya.

Ahiley tuh, it's more like a 'looting season' where all them budget is shared by the political parties and instead of building schools, health posts and better roads... all them dough goes to them local leaders and their chamchas.

Our netas have once again made them deals seal... now it's the seven-point agreement rey and hopefully, our comrades will finally be happy with the integration and them package deals for their combatants!

Mohan Baidya is not happy. He never was and will never be... that's how all grumpy old men are. I think he will enjoy going for his annual 'prostrate' exams hola baroo!

Remrow's topic for today is 'If I become the Prime Monster' .... hehe! So let's suppose, Guffadi becomes the Prime Monster .... there isn't much I can do hola.

If we had them general election and Guffadi party wins the majority then I could do something as a Prime-Monster because then I wouldn't have to worry about my coalition partners and compromise with them ni.

I would have like 5 years to do the job that I promised to do and after that them voters would decide ni... if I really kept my promises or not... hoinuh ruh?

Ahiley ko situation ma tuh, nobody really can do much but Baburam dai is really trying his best and looks like he might pull it off. We do have our comrade chairman ni feri. Big Boss tuh Prachandoo nai ho ni.. hehe!

So let's begin my 'If I become' guffs hai.

As a PM, I would have my own radio show.... yes, Baburam dai did try it but I would have my own radio show at 11pm, every night kya! Harek Raat, ek ghanta guff suff with the Prime Monster hehe!

I would play some cool songs and talk about my daily schedule and what I accomplished hola. And people can call to request their songs or complain about some sarkaari hakim who asked for a bribe or something.

Not everyone can get through hola but we can do 'lucky draw' sucky draw kya. Just leave your number with the PM's office and we will call random folks and they can talk with the PM ni.

I would also ask SP Ramesh Kharel to head the 'Police Reform Commission' or something like that and come up with new regulations for our men and women in blue. No smoking, swearing, extorting or drinking while on duty. If they don't follow the rules then their pictures will be uploaded online and will have to perform a year long community service by cleaning up Bagmati!

All government employees will have to come to work on tyam and stay in the office and do their job. Well, you do get sick leave and what not ni.. but if you are not doing your job then your profile will be uploaded ... to the PM's website 'Hall of Shame' kya!

I would also ask Lee Kuan Yew to visit Nepal or ask some of his Singaporeans to help us plan a new 'fine' system for everything.

Throw your trash out on the street... then you will pay 1 lakh fine (installment ma pani pay garey hooncha) and 1 year community service, cleaning up Bagmati hehe!

Play loud music after 10pm and disturb your neighbors and your music system will be donated to the local government school and you will be asked to work as a janitor there for at least six months.

And for them 'speeding micros' and jpt chalau-ney bikers... your driver's license will be suspended for a year and will be fined 1 lakh nai and you will have to clean Bagamti for a year pani.

So I think, I will just focus on one thing hagi. My election campaign ko naara nai tyehi hoonay ho ki kya ho 'Sabai chor haroo lai 1 barsa Bagmati Safa garauney ruh 1 lakh jariwaana' hehe!

Baburam dai decided to ride a Mustang. I will get a bicycle kya. Wouldn't it be fun ... the PM riding a cycle and all his security personnel also joining in. And once a week, I would ban all vehicles from the street and have a 'Bicycle' day everywhere.

Abuh tuh Kathmandu ma, cycle maatraw chalau-nauh dinoo parney bela bhayee sakyo kya.

Anyways, it's not easy being a PM. We all know that. You will always have that cousin who wants you to help him get the government contract or your mama ko chora ko saali ko bhai who wants to be the next Ambassador to the US. And not to forget them 'opportunist' chamchas who want to make millions while you are in the 'hot' seat kya.

I think I will just wear a helmet (web cam install garney ni) so people can just get a 'live' feed or something... except when I am in the loo or having a very 'sensitive' meetings ni... hehe!

Looks like I am talking more about what I would do if I became the mayor of Kathmandu hola.. hehe! Anyways, it's not that we don't have competent people, be it them netas or sarkari hakims or bus drivers or cops .... etiyaadi!

It's about tyam, our netas let them sarkari wallahs do their job and reward the good ones and punish the 'chor' haroos. And if I really became the Prime Monster then I would ask my cadres, chamchas and cousins to do a good job and if they go around extorting and using my name for their personal benefit then I would ask SP Ramesh Kharel to make sure that they are tied to a tree, caned and the video will be uploaded on Youtube!

The Mother of all Agreements...

They say ‘timing is everything’ and our comrade chairman would probably do well as a chess grandmaster. He seems to know when to make the right moves.

Our media wallahs tell us that this time the ‘seven-point’ deal is for real and we should expect the peace process to come to a closure soon. Should we award our netas ‘brownie points’ and be happy?

If this is the real deal then once everything is wrapped up, we can top the Amrikis by installing a 10 foot, one ton statue of our great wizard in the middle of Ratna park.

Reagan was an actor then a politician … in our great country, all politicians are actors! So it’s probably hard to believe whether our netas are really sincere this time or maybe they are just agreeing to play cool so that they can extend the CA’s term for another six months.

Well we are in a fix. We can’t stop our great politicians from running, or shall we say, extending the show. We are just mute spectators but if all ends well then we will do our share of clapping and maybe give them a standing ovation.

We have seen so many deals in the last five years that another new ‘deal’ might not really excite us anymore. But we should give our politicians the benefit of the doubt one last time and maybe forgive them for their poor performance so far.

Politics is different and so are politicians. Old enemies become friends. They forgive and forget and they move on. In real life, friends become enemies and they will keep on whining about how the other screwed up at every weddings, paasneys and bartabands where mutual friends may show up.

Most of ‘Nepali’ business partnerships begin between old friends and by the time it ends, they are sworn enemies for life and even after-life.

Politicians make deals like we common citizens make chiya. So don’t fret if they forget the ‘special’ chiya they drank yesterday. We can all learn from them. Don’t live in the past, don’t worry about the future, just try to make the most out of the present!

We can learn from our great ‘netas’ and the art of surviving is to make deals left and right and it really doesn’t matter if you don’t honor them. You can always make a new deal to honor the previous deals kya.

Our chairman got a lot of flak for being part of a hard to believe ‘3 billion dollar’ deal to help Disney-fy Lumbini. I think it would have been better if he had asked the so-called organization to hire a proof-reader before they start handing out awards and stuff.

And we are still a nation and not yet a federation of princely states so it is always better for any foreign organization, existent or not, to go through a proper government channels rather than just ask our so-called VVIPs to lobby for them.

Anyways, the chairman is expected to fly to New York tomorrow. He is meeting the UN football team’s captain for coffee and a bagel with cream cheese please! They will be talking about Lumbini.

Our comrades really seem to love Lumbini and many seem to have found God again even though they claim to be atheists. Hope one day they will also celebrate Halloween. Some of our Kathmanduites have already started to and it’s probably the right time to form a struggle committee and petition for an official holiday next year.

Nepal Tourism Year has not ended yet and our government is already gearing up for the next tourism campaign. Lumbini Visit Year 2012 is now right around the corner.

And our government has formed a 108-member organizing committee to make it a success. I hope all our political parties and their sister organizations have already reserved their share of seats in the committee. It sure has done wonders for our local development thanks to the all-party mechanisms in our local bodies.

I am happy that our singing nun, Ani has been chosen as one of the goodwill ambassadors but whoever came up with the idea of having Jackie Chan, Rekha and Shah Rukh Khan as goodwill ambassadors?

It’s actually a great idea. Why not also invite Keanu Reeves? After all, he played Buddha while Shah Rukh only played Ashoka! And maybe Jackie dai will show us a stunt or two and Rekha auntie is still stunning as ever.

Now, we need to figure out how to relocate the polluting cement factories, build an international airport, highways, and enough hotels to accommodate the tourists in less than 60 days. Well, only the Chinese can do it. I hear they can build skyscrapers in less than a week!

Change 'Nepal'...

Today's topic chai ali gaaro rahecha... hehe! 'Saga Inspired' asked me to write about '10 things that needs to be changed to really "change" Nepal' .... it's probably hard to come with the top 10 list like David Letterman does every night. So, I will just wander off like I do always.. hehe!

I think the first thing that needs to be changed is how our government works. Kay bhancha ni.... reform see-form. Accountability, transparency etiyaadi kya.

Our civil servants act like masters and the common citizens who pay their taxes get nothing in return kya. I seriously thought that the Maoists would really change Nepal.

We had seen the monarchy, the morons (so-called democracy wallahs) and we were left to see how the Maoists would run the country. So far, they have been a huge disappointment. Instead of hanging them corrupt and chors, they have partnered with the ghoos-khoris and have had fun looting the national coffer, more than any other political parties in Nepal nai hola!

Our netas come from the school of dhoonga-haaning'. They only know how to protest not how to govern. They only know how to burn tyres and hold 'masal' joo-loos (torch rallies) and really don't care if you need to be somewhere ... they just do bandhs to protest against the current regime and it only makes our lives miserable kya.

I have been trying to think about the 10 things that need to be changed to change Nepal. I am sorry if I can't come up with the 10 things hai.

We tend to blame our netas and our netas blame India for everything. I think it's about tyam we blamed ourselves for all the mess we are in.

Noodles prices went up by 20%. Public transportation pani abuh 10% lay increase bhayo. This is a country where them juice prices go up by 75% and raksi ko only 11% and we just whine and bitch kya.

Look at them Desis, If the Indian government raises them onion prices by a rupee... then all hell will break loose!

We have to stand up for our rights. We have the right to make an honest living. We have the right to go wherever we want and not be obstructed by joo-loos, chakka jaams and Bandhs. We got rid of the 'Shree Tins' ... and we left it to the Pancheys to screw us again. We got rid of the Pancheys and we got ourselves them so-called 'Democracy' wallahs and what did they do? Screwed us again!

Now, we are a republic and we have got them Maoists and the Madeshi netas to fix things up and what are they doing... they are busy screwing us over again.. hehe!

When will this end? I don't know. The recent 'Seven-Point' agreement seems to be the answer to all our problems rey. That's what our media wallahs are saying.... well, we will be spending 10 billion Rupees to pay off our PLA combatants .. paisa chahi kaha batuh liyeruh auney ni.. tyehi bideshi donor lai bhig maagney tuh hola ni!

There are so many things that really need to be changed to really change Nepal. And my guffs might go on forever .. so I don't want to do that.. hehe!

We don't need an army (neither PLA nor NA!) or a room full of stupid netas to change Nepal. If we go back and read them history books... it takes only one individual, one leader or leader-ni who has the courage and the determination to lead his or her people out of whatever mess they were in kya.

Look at Lincoln or even Golda Meir or Lee Kuan Yew... (add more if you majored in History hehe!)... one person .. one strong leader and then we are on the right track... I feel sorry for Prachanda!

Yes, we should give all them credit to the Maoists for bringing us here but when it mattered the most, they screwed up and like late Girija screwing it up before, Prachanda has screwed up too.

Abuh tuh... we will only face hundreds of coalition governments in the next twenty years and we will be stuck... unless one man or woman wakes up and smells the Bagmati river and decides to change Nepal for the better kya!

But until our savior arrives... we might do with two things hola. First ma chahi, we need to make our political parties accountable and transparent kya.

The Amrikis haroo ko politics ma chahi... you can find the names of them political campaign contributors and you can also get information of all them contractors who have received federal funding for them kaam saam kya... like them websites like opensecrets.org and USASpending.gov.

Check it out hai and you get the rough idea ni... hope Baburam dai does come up with something like this and make our netas , sarkari hakims and contractors show us them hisab kitab kya!

And if the comrades think them 'British' eeystle ko system doesn't work then let's go for the 'Amriki' one... One President , every four years, we can have them congress and the senate ni. At least we won't have them 'new' sarkar every 6 months kya!

At least it would be fun watching them 'Presidential debates' ni... so far, I have only seen Prachandoo cracking jokes and talking BS about his political opponents. I think he should join the 'Desi Comedy Circus' baroo!

Ani aroo neta haroo ko taal pani tyestai ho. Narayan Kazi is probably the only guy who knows how to speak hola. Dr. Saheb pani hawd-bada-yeruh bolcha kya! So don't be surprised if the other guy from 'Gorkha' becomes our next Prime-Minister hehe!

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"When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country.

But it, too, seemed immovable.

As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

And now, as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family.

From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country, and who knows, I may have even changed the world."