Free Desi Deals?

Published today ...The Week/Republica

Dr Saheb is on his official trip to India. He knows Delhi very well and has friends there from his university days. And he also spent many years there as an NRN during his stint as an ‘underground’ guerilla ni.

Delhi has changed a lot since Dr Saheb and his better half were dating kya. I hope Dr Saheb will get to visit the new airport, ride on a metro and also check out the Delhi public buses and maybe he can bring some changes here in the Valley when he gets back.

I sometimes feel sorry for him. Wouldn’t it be better if we had the local elections so we could have our own mayors and mayor-nis to solve our local problems than the PM spending his valuable time figuring out how to solve the traffic problems of the Valley?

For the first time in history, we have a PM who can match the educational credentials of his Desi counterpart. Both have PhDs and they can always talk about their dissertations if they run out of guffs ni.

It has become a tradition for a PM of Nepal to get invited by the Desi PM to have samosa and tea at 7 Race Course Road, Delhi. And our PMs normally make their first official foreign trip to India as well.

Comrade Chairman made history when he broke the protocol and instead went off to China to watch the closing ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. Most of us have been to Delhi but not to the Olympics ni. So he probably gets to brag about it hola.

Jhallu Baba didn’t get the invite to hang out in Delhi. He must still be mad at them Desis. Yes, the Indians can act petty but I guess they just returned the “snubbing” favor.

So a word of advice to our politicians: if you’re always asking your neighbors for favors, then it’s better not to badmouth them, or try to play one against the other kya.

Since we all know how to flatter and grease the palms, why not use our “national” skills when it comes to foreign diplomacy kya? Our big neighbors do have big egos and if we want good deals, then we better boost their egos ni.

We just have to praise them and tell them repeatedly how big and mighty they are. Everybody likes compliment ni, hoina ra?

We hear that the Desis plan to shower Dr Saheb with gifts. No, I’m not talking about personal gifts because our Dr. Saheb doesn’t care if you wear a Zara or a Dora kya.

If we can get the Indians to give us some free electricity, then maybe we can spend more quality time with our families, watching the Desi family TV serials this winter.

Our Army Chief gets to be the “Honorary” General of the Indian Army, and vice versa. How come we can’t have something similar for our PMs as well? Wouldn’t it be cool? Our former Chief Sahebs get free golf passes at the Indian Army clubs hola and maybe our PMs will get to crash at their PM’s residence once in a while ni.

And hope the Desi border guards will stop harassing our folks at the border once they get a call from their “Honorary” PM in Kathmandu.

Dr Saheb is expected to ask the Desis for a billion-dollar loan. Maybe he should’ve visited Dhaka and asked the Bangladeshis how they managed to get a better deal from them Desis?

Talking about loans, our “Dons” seem to be loaded. Parshuram Basnet, the Khalasi-turned-Don in Biratnagar is yet to be arrested but now his bank accounts have been frozen rey.

According to our media, Basnet made like 800 million Rupees in the last five years. If we can only get our top 100 dons to kindly donate (Maoist lingo would be: voluntarily or transfer) their ill-gotten wealth, then we wouldn’t have to ask the bideshis for loans hagi?

Basnet owns ek karod ko gaadi, dui karod ko ghar and even gifted his supporters 200 motorbikes rey. I think our journalists have confused him with Rajnikanth. Rajnikanth has fans. Basnet has his hoodlums ni.

Every year, we import like Rs 750 million ko Chinese apples from Khasa while our farmers in Jumla are dumping theirs because they can’t afford the helicopter charter flights to sell their stuff in the Valley ni.

Maybe Basnet can turn his life around like our CA member, Baban Dai. He can buy us all a bag of Chinese apples and he will still have 50 million Rupees left in the bank.

Then what? Well, he’s already a “yuva neta” and now it’s about tyam he moved into the big leagues and followed the footsteps of many great dons who have managed to cross over to the great game of politics.

Chinese Apples...

According to them latest figures from our Tataopani Customs Office, we imported like 170 million Rupees ko Chinese apples for Dashain rey. I guess a lot of folks are eating apples instead of kashi ko masoo hola ni.

An apple a day keeps a doctor away bhanchan kyaaruh.... but I would rather buy them Jumla ko apples ni taruh kay garney.... our farmers in Jumla are throwing away their apples kinnuh bhaney bato ghato nai chaina ani kay helicopter charter garey ruh Kathmandu ma apple bech-nay?

Our netas and sarkaari hakims need to learn a thing or two from them Chindia hola.... first let us save our farmers kya. Yeso bato sato banai dim naw..... why are we sending billions of Rupees to our dosa & dumpling brothers. It's not only apples... we import nearly everything and even masoo nai barsa ma 15-20 billion Rupees ko tuh hami desi bhai lai tir-chau!

Yestai ho .... Naya Nepal ma... harek barsa we spend like Rs 750 million for them Chinese apples rey and every year, our government would rather help them fertilizer dealers and bideshi agricultural companies than our own farmers.

Yes, we have all heard of them Amrikan company pushing for their seeds weeds here in Nepal. Let us not blame them Amrikans.... they are capitalists and if one of their companies want to make money here then the Amrikan Embassy will help them ni.

But I think it's tyam we do some kind of a protest rally against 'Monsanto' ... baroo we tell them Amrikans 'No Monsanto.... baroo send us Lady Gaga' or something like that... hehe! Abuh NepalUnites should do a rally in front of the Amrikan Embassy kya. Hami pani support garoom-laa... baroo let's have a 'Lady Gaga' concert in Rangasala paid for by the Amriki People (USAID!) ki kaso?

Ani hamro government chahi.... we only talk about them unfair treaties with India and what not but when it comes to our products, our netas really don't care if our farmers go hungry, or them byaparis get hassled by them custom wallahs in India kya.

Let us not blame them Desis for everything kya. Yestai taal ho bhaney tuh, we will probably be buying drinking water from India or China someday .... hehe!

And Parshuram, the former bus conductor turned 'Don' is in the news again. His bank accounts have been frozen rey. Finally, our cops have followed the Amriki formula to get them criminals hola. You can't arrest them goondas because all of them seem to be protected by our great netas... but you can get them for money laundering and other nataks ni.

Al Capone got busted for tax evasion back in them days .... maybe we can get not only mundrey goondas but all of our netas as well if our Department of Money Laundering Investigation (there is one!) really gets their act together ni.

Parshuram Basnet is still hiding somewhere.... our sources tell us he is eating chicken chilly in Kathmandu but he is yet to be arrested and we all know why ... our netas like him a lot and our cops can't arrest him or else they might be transferred to Dolpa, Rolpa etiyaadi.

Basnet made like Rs 800 million in the last five years rey. What? That's like 80 croroes Rupees... ten million dollars! Abuh kay ko Amrikan Dream ni... Nepal ma yetti ka paisa kamau-ney rahecha... maybe the Gambino family in Queens should apply for a Nepali Green Card hola ... hehe!

So if you are a criminal and want to make billions then join a youth group of some political party. Youth Force and YCL seem to be the top two football clubs ... hehe! But if you are in Terai then even the Forum Wallahs have good players as well!

Basnet even gave like 200 bikes to his supporters rey. What's wrong with our media-wallahs? They are not his supporters (he is not Rajnikanth!).... baroo, it's more like his cronies and chamchas kya. If you want to be a don then you better have 100-200 mundrey goondas at your side ni.

He has houses worth crores in Biratnagar and investments in hoarding board factory, mosquito net factory etiyaadi rey. Basnet may have started out as a Khalasi but he is a pretty smart guy hagi. You can't go wrong with them mosquito nets kya.

And our government will request them Desi bhais to increase their annual aid to Nepal rey... ani they also plan to ask for a loan of US$ 250 million rey. I think our netas should take a course on diplomacy or maybe ask them Bangladeshis kya. The Banglas got like a billion dollar ko loan from the Desis... maybe Baburam dai should visit Dhaka and have a fish curry before he heads to Delhi kya.

Ki chai... instead of asking bideshis for loan soan... why not ask our own loan sharks (Dons) instead hoinuh ruh? Parshuram alone is worth ten million dollars and we have other Dons like Ganesh dai, Milan dai, Deepak dai etiyaadi.... so if we can get like top 100 Dons to pitch in then our government should be able to build a highway in Jumla kya.

And if Parshuram Basnet really wants to change his ways like our CA member, Baban Singh ... then he should just sell his holdings and buy them Chinese apples for all of us hola. And he will still have like 50 million Rupees left .. hehe! Ani tyo paisa lay arko choo-naab (election) ma afai uth-nay ni... goonda batuh neta banney ni... kun chai naulo kura ho ruh?

Highway Accidents...

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the victims and their families of the recent bus accident in Sindhuli. 41 folks died when them bus plunged down the cliff and 15 other injured rey. It's really sad news hagi.

Every year, hundreds of folks are killed due to them bus drivers driving like crazy and I have yet to understand ... why are them drivers in such a hurry? Ek jana ko natak lay kati jana marnoo parney ni?

During the Dashain tyam, our traffic wallahs let them bus companies pack folks like sardines inside, and more folks even on the roof and when accidents like this happen then it should wake up our government and even the bus-wallahs kya.

But them bus-wallahs either pay off them victims' families and the government just doesn't care because them transport companies are big donors to our political parties nai. And even if the sarkari hakim instructs his fellow workers to monitor them vehicles, them union wallahs act like they own them highways kya.

Our netas don't care.... they don't really use them buses to travel to their gaun saun ni. They either ask some ministry to send them a vehicle or call up them airlines (tyo pani last minute ma) and demand a seat kya.

Abuh tuh we have to hold them bus companies responsible and they should hire professional drivers and ask them to be more careful kya. If the driver saheb wants to find out if the bus can really fly over the cliff then he should try it out when he is alone in the vehicle ni.

There were several signs bato ma.. warning them bus-wallahs not to carry passengers over their capacity and not to speed like crazy but I guess either our bus drivers really can't read them signs (then at least make it mandatory for them to memorize them signs and take a test if they want to get them license ni!) or if they speed like crazy then they should be fined ek barsa ko taw-lob nai.

The reason our business-wallahs don't give a damn about them consumers ... chahi ... our fines and stuff ati nai kamti kya. Yo 'New' Nepal ma .... we still have them laws from the 'Old' Nepal and no one is interested to increase them fine sine... baroo let's introduce caning and badi fine like Singapore ni.

Desh lai tuh Singapore banau-naw sakey nuh taruh at least Singapore jastai euta Durian MRT ma khayo bhaney 5,000 dollar fine bhanya jastai, sadeko Gudpak bechnay lai Rs 250,000 hajar fine (tyo pani per packet) garey hooncha ni.

If you sell adulterated stuff... kati nai fine cha... 5,000 - 10,000 Rupees... that's like a pocket change for a guy who has sold a million packets of (adulterated milk) and made crores ni... hoinuh ruh?

And our Kangaroos (Nepali Congress) has demanded that the government investigate and provide relief to them victims' families rey. Ani our PM, Dr. Saheb has also directed them ministry-wallahs to investigate the cause of the accident rey.

Yes, we have all kinds of commission to investigate everything from them highway accidents, Sudan scam, plane crashed and what not..... and at the end of the day..... we forget them report seport and don't even follow the suggestions given by them experts.

We do have them crazy roads but if only our drivers maintained the speed limit then we could prevent a lot of them accidents ni. Even them accidents in the valley where them big buses hit them pedestrians ..... the main reason is over-speeding and trying to overtake and race with the other driver ni.

So just making them bus companies pay compensation to them victims' families and letting them drivers go home and drive another day will not really solve them problems.

And I don't know who really came up with this idea of burning any vehicle that gets into an accident kya... how did we turn into wild animals? Nepal ma chahi khoi kay taal ko natak ho... the bigger vehicle is always to blame even if the other 'sano' vehicle was at fault kya.

So if a truck hits a micro then truck ko fault, if the micro hits a motorcycle then micro ko fault rey... you get the idea ni.... and even when we have them fuel shortages, there will be one jackass who has a jerkin of petrol ready just in case there is an accident and he wants to burn a vehicle kya.

And how come our traffic wallahs don't even want to investigate but instead ask both parties to find a solution and come back to the police station to sign them agreement etiyaadi?

Maybe our traffic wallahs should ask our netas to do the same hagi... instead of just wasting our time and money with this CA natak... why don't these buffoons all go to Rolpa for a month or two (trekking pani hoonay, camping pani!) and come back when they have figured out everything that needs to be written in them constitution kya!