Dashain Greetings....

Dashain is here... the first day of Dashain was last week but them official holidays start from tomorrow kya. Kathmandu will shut down, except Fire & Ice and a few of them other eateries and them malls will be open hola but your favorite local chiya pasal will not be open for business.

More than a million folks are expected to go home to their gaun and sahars. And as usual, them bus companies are thugging (cheating in Angrezi). A few years ago, I decided to take a bus to another gaun and had to sit on a stool for like 9 hours ... and on my way back, even them stools were taken so was standing up all the way to Kathmandu.

Even them airlines tickets are all sold out and if you really want to fly then you better meet them folks hanging or loitering around TIA (Tribhuwan International Airport and not 'Tinnu in Action' ni feri).

But our Nepal Police have arrested two black-market wallahs rey. They had like 20-30 tickets and nearly 2 lakhs in cash. Now our police-wallahs @ the airport will have a good Dashain. A note to our black-wallahs ... please pay off them cops hai ... don't be greedy, share the loot and everybody will be happy. Yestai ho Naya Nepal ko chalan kya!

And if our media says, the police confiscated '16 tickets' then just add 50-80% more and do the same with the cash hai. So if they catch a guy with 17 boras of firecrackers worth 2 million then they will tell the media that it was 8.5 boras worth 1 million ... hehe!

Dashain ho.. sabai lai kharcha chai halyo ni. Working class people can only afford them 2-3 joad kapadas for their loved ones and maybe 100-200 Rupees for them tika sika. Ani the thulo mancheys lai abuh two pair of undies lay kaha pugcha ruh. They want a new scooter for their daughter, a new vehicle for their wives and maybe ek-dui peti (not the 'coat' but 1-2 crore bhanya) for themselves.

And our Health Minister, Mr. Rajendra Mahato seems to be flushed with cash this Dashain. He invited them journalists to his mantri quarter and handed out them Dashain greeting cards. And our patrakars found them cash inside them cards rey.

Like them Ranas (during the 'Shree Tin' Raaj!) , Mahato had also classified them journalists according to their status hola ni... Some got 10 grand, some 5 and I guess them daily tabloids wallah got only 1,000 Rupees.

Out of 60, 12 journalists returned the money rey. If we were to do some math sath then 80% of them patrakars are chors and tyehi 80-20 rule holan-tuh! 20% lay ramro kaam garney, aroo baki sabai daaka haroo!

The minister's PA even tried to convince them patrakars to take the money as Dashain gift rey. Ani our 'Health Mantri' tells us that he only handed out them greeting cards. I guess, either he didn't know what he was handing out or his PA really wanted them journalists to write 'good' stuff about Mahato!

Mahato has made nearly 5 crores rey. This is not the first tyam he's been a mantri. He was Industry, Commerce and Supplies mantri a while ago. Tyeti bela pani tyestai natak rey.

Yes, our Madeshi netas are having fun but they should realize that this is not some Indian states where them netas are garlanded with Rupees kya. Instead of helping the people from Terai .. these arseholes are asking them Madeshis a plastic jhola full of cash for them government jobs and what not.

Next tyam, could he be a more discreet? Instead of slipping them Rupees inside them greeting cards, why not ask our journalists to text their bank account numbers and he can use them banks haroo ko mobile payment service ni.

And while our mantris are distributing them cash sash, our NRNs seem to be suffering from recession like every other bideshis... hehe! NRNA (Non-Resident Nepali Association) has asked our poor government for 30 lakhs to organize their conference here in Kathmandu.

I hope them NRNs were only trying to be funny hola. Whatever happened to Dr. Upendra Mahato? Are them Russian gangsters not investing in his projects anymore? Or did the current NRNA Executive Committee piss of our Dr. Saheb?

NRNA tells us that they just want our government to pitch in a few Rupees to ensure government participation rey. Lau kay bhanya tyesto? Our ministers demand not only them 'chartered helicopters' but also allowances for their wives, chora , bhanja and saalis whenever they visit some district for some function by non-government entities.

Thank God, the global conference is in Kathmandu and not in Namche Bazaar. I don't think it would be tough to get our mantris to do some ribbon-cutting, give their 'dui-sabdas' and drink like a fish and ask for some cash from our NRNs ni.

Happy Dashain everyone! My 'one' year ko natak has now come to an end. Yes, a year ago my friend promised me Khasi if I wrote my guffs every single day. If I was out in Rolpa or Dolpa and without internet access then I could come back and write the missing posts as well (but not to exceed more than 72 hours rey).

I have never been a disciplined person. My favorite movie die-log is from Apollo 13... 'successful failure' ... hehe! I have never successfully completed any tasks assigned.. ever in my life except this one hola! So, I win... but we forgot to decide on the khasi's weight sweat etiyaadi so we decided to call up a guy who did his Master's in Conflict Resolution.

Well, my friend is willing to contribute Rs 10,000 to a local school in Dolpa run by a bhai from Kathmandu. The bhai is coming to the valley this month. He spends like 6-7 months in Dolpa and the rest in Kathmandu when the weather is too cold up there.

I am planning to organize a fundraising dinner sinner for his school. So if you are interested, do let me know hai. I will invite you ni... but of course, I cannot disclose my identity because then I will have to kill you.. hehe!

Lau tuh.. Sabai lai Dashain ko subha-kamana ... ani tapai ko pariwar lai pani.

Now, I have 24 hours to decide if I want to continue another bet with the same friend.

If I continue to write for another year, the bet-wallah will invest in my low-budget Nepali flick (High Vision Hall ko laagi!)... a tribute to Rajnikanth where our 'Nepali' hero kills a daku with a gyante mula (the villain attacks him with a khukhuri but our hero throws a mula and the daku dies choking on it kya) and then saves a child from a grumpy Hippo (Zoo ma shooting garney ni) and finally falls in love with Rekha Thapa's look-a-like.. hehe!

No Work No Pay.....

Labor unions are cash cows for our political parties and if they need to do them bandhs and chakka jaams then they can always ask or (force) them union members to start pounding the street with them latthis and dhoonga soonga!

Once again, them trade union wallahs and our byaparis have signed them agreement. Yes, every year these two parties sign them deals but jahiley pani arko natak soo-roo honcha.

The unions promise to not strike for at least four years whereas them byaparis will pay them minimum wage rey. The current minimum wage for Nepal is 6,200.00 Rupees.

I guess that applies only to them factories and thulo businesses whereas restaurants and them retail outlets at them malls pay like 3,000 for them workers. Now you know why them sales girls at them shopping malls are all grumpy.. they can't even afford a decent khaja because their pay sucks.

While them major trade unions from the 'three stooges' group have agreed to this new deal, the other Madeshi and even the Maoist trade unions (they have three... hehe!) are not happy and they won't sign the deal rey.

It's not only them thulo factory sactory haroo... even them local businesses suffer from them union problems. Fire & Ice is like the best restaurant for them pizza and Italian khana in Thamel.

It's been here since 1995. A few years ago, it was closed down by the Mao-trade union because they wanted better pay and what not. Fire & Ice ma average salary is like 12 grand... Unique Fast Food Cafe ma chahi 4 hajaar... taruh pani hamra union wallahs are not happy.

And recently, it was closed down again ( but this time by the management) because the hooligans manhandled them workers rey. Yes, the Italian lady is minting money and she has already made ten times her investment but she took the risk to invest in Nepal ni.

So if she had lost all her investment then would them union wallahs pitch in to save her business? Some union arseholes even kicked out them owners from them restaurants in Thamel and started running them places and they failed.

I guess these union jackasses now know that it's better to do some daang doong and ask for dashain kharcha than close down the place or try to be a business owner. If it was that easy then everybody would start their own business ni.

Well, Fire & Ice is open for business again and this Dashain, if you are tired of them khasi-bhaat then go to Fire & Ice for some pizza hai. And the wait staff are all friendly and nice... they got rid of them few 'grumpy' ones who were trying to start a wrestling match there.

So if you ever go to a restaurant in Kathmandu and notice that the waiter is acting like a jackass and he really doesn't care then just figure out that he is a union-guy and probably some wannabe neta.

Don't be all mad and go crazy. Either leave the restaurant and go somewhere else or just ask the guy if he is suffering from piles and you can recommend him some witch doctor or some RamDev baba's dance moves.

The problem in Nepal is that if you hire someone, it's pretty difficult to fire him especially if he or she belongs to them unions. Our trade union wallahs think that the business owner is the devil but I guess they don't understand that one takes a lot of risks with his or her own money soney to even try to see if that business works.

Yes, them big corporate houses submit fake VAT bills, steal electricity and don't pay their employees on tyam. They also pay off our netas and get massive loans from them banks. Then they either drive their business to the ground and not pay their loans or make tons of money and still, not pay their loans ... hehe!

Now, this new agreement ma chai... the employers can fire their workers and not pay them if they don't show up. Them trade union wallahs say, 'only for genuine cases' .... and they get to decide that hola ni.

Whenever there is a labor dispute, our byaparis do not seek legal route, they would rather go to them netas or pay off the trade union leader to solve them problems. Our netas and them union goondas are like viruses. Abuh anti-virus software nai chaina ani kay garney tuh?

I think we do have a labor court kyaaruh but that's how it is in Nepal. Even when the Supreme Court finds some chor guilty of murder, he is still having fun as a CA member and collecting his bhatta satta. And Piyush B. Amatya is still living the good life even if he owes them banks, billions of Rupees.

I don't think 6,200.00 is enough but of course that's the minimum wage. Tyes pachi aroo bhatta satta aucha hola ni.

Our netas and their trade union goondas have destroyed everything. Our netas are not worried about them load shedding because they really don't have to pay for them fuel to run their generators ni. Ani kasari chalcha tuh industries haroo?

Our trade union goondas only know how to extort from the businesses. I guess they don't realize that if there are no businesses then there won't be any workers kya. And if no workers then how the @#$ will you run a trade union with one member?

And if they want to get more money and not work at all then they should ask their netas to find them some sarkaari jagir where the pay is freaking good (even the peons make like 10,000 a month) and you still get paid even if you don't show up for work at all.... and you really can't get fired as long as you cover your tracks kya.

Our CA members are still getting paid for doing nothing. It's more like 'No Work, More Pay' hola ni... hope our three big stooges are busy playing 'marriage' and drinking whiskeys.

Dashain pachi arko 'break-through' rey... Dashain tuh soo-roo bhayo.... let's forget all them troubles and enjoy some quality time with our family and friends... because after Dashain.. feri Saadey Saat ko Dasha tuh chadai cha ni!

M&Ms, Hummus & Home...

Published today ...The Week/Republica... the editor's cut!

Dr Saheb is back home and hope he had a productive trip and added new friends on his Facebook page from the recent networking event at the UN.

Like every other Nepali, BRB had to introduce our beautiful country as the land of mountains. I think he should also add a lot more M&Ms or eat some. How about Nepal as a land of mountains, Maoists and morons?

Yes, we have the tallest mountains and our Comrades are back leading the government and everybody else is a moron. Well, that’s what our Kamreds seem to think anyway.

BRB and his better half met with the Obamas. I guess it was a minute or two of smile, click and shoo off session hola. Anyway, if Obama ever invites our PM for a pick-up basketball game, then he should refuse point blank. We can clearly see from the photo that Obamas have the height advantage kya.

Doctor Saheb won’t be welcomed at OR2K, an Israeli-run vegetarian restaurant in Thamel. Why? Because he clicked on the like button of Palestine Statehood Fan Club and the Israeli Embassy will not be sending him any invites for their annual Israeli film festival in Kathmandu rey.

I think our PM should realize that you can be pragmatic and win when it comes to them global political nataks. Yes, our Israeli tourists are a little cheap but they are young, just out of the army and must have saved a few Israeli Shekels to visit our beautiful country ni.

Israel can teach us how to defend ourselves against the other teams on a diet of Hummus and Pita breads.

If we don’t want to learn their fighting skills, then at least we can ask them to teach us how to get billions of dollars in aid from the Amrikis and at the same time get away with not listening to them half the tyam. And Palestine can teach us how tanks can’t really stop the slingshots.

I think Dr Saheb should call the former President of Brazil, Lula, and ask for his advice. Lula used to be an angry young man once. But when he had to lead his country, he understood the realities on the ground and made sensible decisions instead of going back to his old “revolutionary heaven” notebooks.

Or if he wants someone close by, then he can always meet Laloo, the Bihari funny man who did turn around the Indian Railways. Or he just didn’t know what to do, so he left the civil servants alone to do their job hola. Maybe that’s the key to better governance?

And the current partnership of our Mao-buddies and Madheshi netas (M&Ms) is already bearing fruit for our honest “Home” Minister.

Even the late Comical Ali from Baghdad could have never topped his most recent remarks about the earthquake. And now the transferring of incompetent police wallahs by our “hardworking” Home Minister has begun.

And whom do we blame for the recent shooting in the heart of Kathmandu? The “Home” Minister should be lauded for his actions. He transferred the Kathmandu Police Chief right after the shooting.

It didn’t matter that the incident occurred right in front of the Metropolitan Police Commissioner’s Office and not in Hanuman Dhoka.

This shows that he is a very quick and efficient decision maker and hope his recent move will really help Kathmanduites feel safer during the day while you still have to be careful of very friendly and helpful cops during the night.

Dashain is here. Please do remember that gambling and gluttony is not what Dashain is really about. Well, nor did Teej originate at some party palace, either. It’s about time we all went back and read our old schoolbooks hola.

Dashain’s story is about how good wins over the evil. We should never lose hope. One day, the good will prevail, and yes, we have to deal with the inflation, corruption, pollution and what not. But unless we are all united in our fight against “evil” our dream of a “better” Nepal will never come true.

And this Dashain, don’t eat like a corrupt clown who gorges on them bribes. They get to build mansions while you’ll only get heartburns kya. Don’t gamble like our netas do with our lives.

So please follow the “moderation in merrymaking” formula. Protect your health and your wealth as well if you’re one of the few who have any.