How to be a Minister in Nepal?

Well, King Deuba is back in power and he is good at power sharing. He will make sure he stays in Baluwatar by using his magic formula of bhaag-bandaa. We have a Maoist Finance Minister. He seems to be a nice guy. Let's see how he does with his portfolio.

And, the biggest joke so far is the State Minister for Health, our dear Umesh Dai. The guy owns LA School, pharmas and many other business ventures. He is a billionaire now. He has indeed worked hard to make his billions but to have him as one looking after the Health ministry is like asking a tipper wallah to be in the road safety committee hola.

Nothing against Umesh Dai, but don't be surprised if he makes a bundle out of any vaccine deals in the coming days.

So how does one become a mantri in Nepal? The normal route is to be a cadre, work hard in your district, be the district chief and get some leverage and then be in the central committee and make more friends and hopefully be powerful enough to be a mantri someday if your party is in power. And sometimes, you don't even have to win elections, you can be nominated from the PR quota as well.

The other route is to become a byapari and make your billions and then get nominated through the PR quota or win elections if you have enough muscles. And when your party is in power, offer the head honcho a few Karods to bag a mantri ko seat.

Our political parties are in a bad shape. The real, hardworking karykartas are always sidelined whereas contractors, commission chors and con artists with enough dough become mantris in our land. That's why our political parties now follow the criminals instead of their own cadres. Instead of working for the common folks, our politicians now work for byaparis and contractors.

Deuba will expand his cabinet in the coming days. Don't be surprised if you see a whole lot of byaparis and the usual ghoos-khoris and you never know, we might again have a jumbo cabinet because that's what Deuba is good at!

If you would like me to write about something then do send me an email to maguffadi@gmail.com

image source: Jagran Josh

How to be a Arabpati in Nepal?

Today, I will be writing about how to be a Arabpati (billionaire) in Nepal? . A special request from our friend, Mr S.

We have all heard about Upendra Mahato, Ajay Sumargi, the Marwari and Newar Business Houses and many other byaparis like Min B. Gurung, the Dhakal brothers and many more. And there are lot of school , hospital and hotel wallahs who have become billionaires in this beautiful land of ours.

First let's begin with the home-grown Arabpatis. You have to come from a old business house. If we look at the story of many of the traditional Newari families then the Shakya, Tuladhars and the same Ason clans were trading in Tibet hundreds of years ago. And today, their descendants are Jyoti Group and many Hotel wallahs owned by Shakyas and other Newars.

So, the best option to be a Arabpati in this land is to get involved with the trading businesses. You buy Re 1 lighter from China, probably 10 to 20 million pieces and then sell it to a reseller here for Re 2 , he will sell it to the retailers for Rs 5 and the retailer can sell it for Rs 10 to the final guy buying the nicotine stick or the religious person.  Yes, not all lighter buyers are smokers. The religious ones need it to light the dhoop to please the God!

So, my advise would be to ask the Chinese company to place a Nepali Flag on the lighter as well. This will probably add some value and your product might sell like hot cakes here in Nepal. You can also get distributorship for foreign brands and then be the agency to handle their products here in Nepal. 

After all, most of the businesses here in our land are commission or dalali businesses. The word dalal sounds very bad but it is what it is. The world revolves around commission from selling machine guns to the Nepal Army or selling COVID-19 vaccines to our incompetent government.

And we have the Marwarai families like Chaudhary, Khetan, Golcha and other Agarwals. All these byaparis started with trading and now are into manufacturing and a whole lot. They have 'byapar' in their blood and to be a successful byapari, I would suggest one to work or be a partner with a Marwari to learn the tips and tricks to be a successful byapari!

Bhatbhateni does mint money because most of the stuff they sell is on credit from the vendors. Bhatbhateni is more like a McDonald's business now. And even the school and hospital and hotel wallahs are actually worth more because of the land than their actual business. 

Majority of the schools, hospitals and hotel wallahs purchased the land ten, twenty, thirty years ago when it was like less than Rs 50,000 per anna. For example, take the LA school model. They probably have hundreds of ropanis of land now and the appreciation of the land must now be like 30,000% hola. The land itself is worth billions of Rupees.

These are all hard work businesses. Nobody though Bhatbhateni would be this big. The school wallahs did not expect their school to do good and be able to afford to hundreds of ropanis of land today. If you work hard and you know, luck also helps but you can be a billionaire in this land if you have a vision and stick to it hola. 

And now let us talk about how to be Arapbati by illegal, shortcut or other methods in this land! First, you somehow become close to people with shady businesses abroad and then ask them to be partners in investment in Nepal. 

In the West, it is difficult to get a 2% return on your fixed deposit but here, now you can get 8 to 9% per annum for doing nothing. Land prices will always go up in this land. Even Economists who win Nobel Prizes go crazy trying to figure out the Nepali psyche when it comes to real estate.

Hospitals are big businesses in our land. If you get the license to operate a medical school then you are set for life. No wonder, hospitals get sold for Rs 200 Karod as if they are buying a bora of aloo. Who the hell has 200 Karod in their backyard except our civil servants, politicians and fake VAT bill byaparis?

The easiest way to become a Arabpati in this land is to be close to our netas and hakim sahebs. They are the ones minting money left and right. The earthquake, blockade and now this pandemic will not create any obstacles for our hakim sahebs to make money. 

Our netas and hakim sahebs can't have billions of Rupees in the bank. Their near and dear ones, personal assistants, cousins and cadres use their ill-gotten money to invest in all kinds of businesses. No wonder, most of our TV channel wallahs, hospitals, hotels and cooking gas companies are owned by folks who are fronting for our netas and civil servants.

Our mantris' kids get many government contracts and it seems that they are the ones with tons of cash. So, the next option is to be friends with the children of our great netas and be their financial advisor or business partners to become a billionaire in the land.

But these are all hook, crook and cook the book formula to be a billionaire. Now, let's talk about how we can be billionaires if we take our ideas and try to rule the world.

Thanks to YouTube, TikTok, Facebook and other social media, you really don't have to invest millions or billions or come from traditional wealth families, or newly rich political or sarkari families. 

I sometimes wonder why can't our people come up with the cool ideas like instagram and TikTok or other creative stuff needed for the new digital age. We need to start working towards selling our ideas and products to the world. Everything is possible now. 

At the end of the day, you need to have an idea, have the vision to stick it out and be sustainable and the day will come when you will be a Arabpati in this land. 

if you would like me to write about something, do send me an email to maguffadi@gmail.com

Deuba is back!

If we had cool names like the Native Americans, then Deuba would have the coolest name in Nepali politics. Sher means Lion hola ki ho nai. Bahadur is of course Brave or you can say Courageous. Deuba can be broken into two, let's have Give for Deu and Ba is Ba... Father!

So from now on, instead of calling Sherey Dai, let's all start calling him Lion Brave Give Father, and make him sound as if he is one of those greatest Native American chiefs ever to live not in the US but here in our beautiful land in Nepal.

Well, Give Father is now back in the game. He is our Prime Monster for the fifth time and if we really trust his astrologer then he has two more stints at Baluwatar before he flies to Mars.  

Give Father likes to drink a bottle of whiskey, swear like a sailor and speak gibberish but he still gets to be our Prime Monster. Now, go figure what kind of men are leading this country. According to the CBI, he still has to pay his chiya credit outside Tri-Chandra Campus that's been pending for last 50 years hola.

Give Father is a lucky man. At least Oli Ba tried harder. He had to come up with jokes, proverbs and funny one-liners to keep us all entertained. We will miss Oli badly. Now, Give Father and his mumble-jumble bhasan will be hard even for himself to figure out what he is actually saying.

It's party time for Our Kangaroos and our Maobadis. We seem to have a nice guy for our Finance Minister but he will also have to set aside for his own party and others even if he doesn't want to. We have a new Home Minister and it will be the same kind when Deuba or Govinda Raj Joshi was Home Minister back in the 90s. 

The Kangaroos really now how to milk Nepal Police. Saruwa Baduwa will net Karods of Rupees. And then all criminals will get to make Arabs from tax evasion, smuggling, fake VAT bills and what not. It's time for the Kangaroos to mint some money for the next seven months.

Give Father will have to provide his majority in a month, if not then call elections within six months, if not who knows Oli might be back or the President will take over and have the army wallahs handle the law and order and she can run the show for a year or two. We really don't know what will happen in Nepali politics because the game is played not by folks with vision but old folks chomping on Viagra. Now go figure what happens when you are getting all the blood flow somewhere else and not in your brain.

Our government, be it Oli Ba's or Give Father's do not really care about the people. Oli Ba should have only focused on vaccines for us, the Nepali people. If he had spent our taxpayers' money on buying all the vaccines out there and getting all of us the shots then he would be running the show forever till he also flies to Mars.

But of course, our politicians worry more about their cousins, cadres and contractors and not the common folks. They think that a few thousand folks should be Arab-patis while millions should go to the Arab lands and make a few Dinars!

Anyways, Congratulations Give Father. Enjoy your whiskey, swear like a sailor. May you become our Prime Monster again and again. Our dai, Bijay Kumar Gachhadar is also back. He had been hiding all these months during Oli Ba's time for the Baluwatar Land Scam kanda. Now, he shows up and posts a million Rupee bail at the court. He can now enjoy his whiskey again!

Then there is the Aftab Alam guy, a Kangaroo leader from Terai. He will soon be out there partying as well! We know how the Kangaroos are and so are the UML or Mao or Madhesi parties. All of them are corrupt chors but that's how it is until this world ends hola!

Dear Give Father, many years ago, you gifted Pajeros to the lawmakers. May you gift helicopters this time! Jai Hos! And let us not be surprised if his mother-in-law becomes our Ambassador to the US. She is ahiley lai Japan ko! And Arzoo didi... wish you all the best. Now is time time to bag the UN Secretary General ko post nai but of course, all saam daam danda-bhet doesn't work everywhere else hola ni!

if you would like me to write a guff on something then do send me an email to maguffadi@gmail.com hai!

image source: Headline Nepal

Euro 2020 predictions

 

LT has asked me who will win the Euro 2020 (now 2021) this year. I have no idea but I think Belgium, France, Italy and Germany are the favorites this year.

I have been a great fan of England since I was a tiny weeny kid but the English always love to disappoint at the end! The last time they won anything was back in 1966 on home ground. So, the next time, you expect England to win is if any major tournament goes back to London!

Well, England hosted the 1996 Euro but failed to make it to the finals. Denmark and Greece shocked the world with their victories in the Euro but it will take a while for a dark horse to win the Euro anytime soon!

Football really unites people. The World Cup is going to happen next year but today, let's focus on the Euro 2020 or shall we call it UEFA Euro 2020 Championship to be correct!

Belgium has a good team with brilliant strikers and so does France. Italians are always good at defending and scoring while Germans are Germans. Germany failed in the last World Cup due to the winners' curse hola but they are a great team.

The last great Euro Championship was probably in 1988 when Holland showed the world how to play beautiful football again. We expected them to win the World Cup later but it never happened.

Portugal got lucky during the last Euro and we don't expect Portugal to do wonders this time around. England will probably get to the quarterfinals and falter. They are a good, young team but something doesn't click when they perform out their in the field.

I am rooting for Belgium this year. The Germans, Italians and the French have won their share. Let's root for the Belgians this time! Let's see how it goes! 

If you have any questions on life and everything else, do write me an email at maguffadi@gmail.com

How to win elections?

Ms. R writes to me to ask about how to win elections here in Nepal. Well, you need two things in Nepal, money and muscles and that's about it!

We have like 130+ political parties registered with our Election Commission but for now, it's the Kangaroos and the Unidentified Mundrey Loafers along with our now once again, Mao-buddies (they are no longer baddies, they are just byaparis!) and our Madhesi parties.

The rest of the political parties are just on the sidelines. Bibeksheel-Sajha then should have focused on the PR seats. Our Bijukche Dai's party is now just one-seat party in the House! 

If we look at the PR system, we get the rough idea of how majority of our Nepali voters vote during elections. Nearly 75% of the folks vote for our Kangaroos and Unidentified Mundrey Loafers and the Maobuddies! And add almost 10% to our Madhesi parties and then the game is over.

It's better if we have a two-party football game but we Nepalese love to disagree and not get along when it comes to everything. Yes, folks talk about alternative politics and party but maybe, the other 126 political parties should just unite and figure things out.

Maybe, it's time we have a capitalist party instead of the usual so-called socialist and communist wallahs! Our communist netas are not communists. They are crazy capitalists walking around in Marx's t-shirt. Our Kangaroos are not social democrats. They are just another crazy capitalists and they tell you in the face unlike our comrades who talk about the poor and do nothing for the poor and the needy folks!

So if you really want to win elections in Nepal, first get your dough ready! Yes, tons of it. If you only want to win from your constituency then better be prepared to spend at least 5 Karod. If you want your party to win at least 10 seats and another 5 in the PR stuff then just multiply it by 10 hola!

And you need some muscles if you are really fighting elections in the Terai or the hilly region. It's all cowboy style politics up in the hills and down in the plains. What about in the cities, or so-called urban areas? Well, the game is to buy off your opponents and their vote banks if possible.

For example, if you are standing up for elections in Kathmandu Valley and you are more than likely to come up third then better buy off your opponent who has no chance of winning but will likely come second place by a percent or two! 

Time to ask him or her out for coffee, and just hand him your 5 karod investment for your choonaab! He or she will do everything possible to even get a few more votes from the person who will win the elections by offering some chiya kharcha to the guy or the gal's cousins!

So, better get hold of all the fake-VAT bill byaparis and martial artists and mundrey toley gundas and spend like crazy and win your seat. But to get a return on your 5 Karod investment, you better offer more and be a mantri. If not, then use your influence to bag some government contracts for your cousins and recover your investment!

Well, that's how you win elections in this beautiful land of ours ruled by greedy beasts! 

How to win the FIFA World Cup?

Thank you Mr. AJT for sending an email asking me how we, Nepal can win the FIFA World Cup, most probably in 3021 when it is played in Mars and hosted by Elon Musk!

Well, first, we have to start training our players from an young age, say, like 10 year olds. ANFA, our footballing body, whose job is to take millions from FIFA and splurge it on their own officials and give players peanuts, should learn a thing or two from youth academies of the greatest football teams on Earth.

Let's have 400 young lads and ladies. Yes, we need to win both men and women's tournament. Our national women team has a far better chance to win the FIFA World Cup before this century ends than our men's team.  They just need a little bit more motivation, training and lots of incentives.

Well, get's back to our men's team. I think that was the question asked by AJT!

We start by training 400 lads from the age of 10. By the time, they are 18, 300 will drop out, we will have 100 left. By the time, they are 21, we will probably have a good team ready to take on the world. 

Instead of focusing on tall players, we need players who are average 5'6 to 5'8. Yes, it's the short players who are good strikers and midfielders. Look at Maradona, Messi and our great Kante! 

And we will have no problem with meeting the height requirement but god knows what will happen in a decade or two, since our young kids are all tall and lanky. Too much cheeseballs, cokes and choco pie durig their pre-teen days hola!

We need to have good training, focus on strength and let's get them develop some sprinters' bodies.... not likhurey hawa ley dhalney bodies! Look at the recent game against Iraq. These Iraqis looked all muscled up and we were there getting side-swapped by the air itself. It must be our regular chana-diet which hasn't changed in the last thirty years.

Let's get our footballers, protein shakes, two eggs, two bananas, lots of meat and veggies as well. We need to pay them at least Rs 100,000 per month and not peanuts. These young lads need to take care of their families as well!

And the best thing is to get Kante to be our national coach when he retires! Kante is simple human being. He doesn't kiss the trophy like those eggheads. He gives a slight touch like he is saying 'nice to meet you'. Kante is humble. Our players need to learn to be humble as well. Don't think you are Messi just because you are this year's top scorer at the domestic league!

We need to play aggressive football. Don't worry about getting six goals in your own net. Score 7! Let's play beautiful football. Combine, the Brazilian Samba, Tiki-Taka, Kante ko Bhaka and then we will be the most loved team on Earth. Jai Nepal!

Back in town....

It's been a while, and I have been asked to write something during the pandemic by one of our Guffadi readers. She has promised to donate US$5 for each day of guffadi guff for a food package distribution program I am helping out with. God bless her! So, I expect to donate US$150 for the food package program by the end of this month... bhannu parla!

So, what should I write about today. A lot has changed since November 3rd, 2020.

Biden is in the White House. With due respect to Biden, the man who wanted to be President in his 30s has finally gotten the chance to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom in his late 70s. Lesson of the year: Your day will come. If you couldn't win the Nobel Prize or the woman or a man of your dreams at 30s... don't worry... you might get the second opportunity in your 70s! Just keep your head high, grind, keep on working towards your goal whatever that maybe!

Thank God, Trump didn't win his second term or else we would have had to deal with his ego for another four years. By then, there would have been a civil war in Amrika and God knows how that would turn out!

We have our second lockdown here in Nepal. We live in a wonderful nation where the government is corrupt, incompetent and sleazy while our people are just happy to go along with the flow. 

No vaccine... fine! No relief for the poor and the needy... fine! Those in power seem to enjoy the pandemic. Our fake byaparis and our hakim sahebs seem to make more dough out of our suffering and our chor netas get to keep some of the profit! 

Ujwal Thapa is gone. I met him only once in my life.. .that was before he started Bibeksheel. There was a protest rally in front of the Prime Minister's residence then. Rest in Peace, brother. Thank you for promoting this blog way back then!

Let's hope the young folks inspired by Ujwal will take the lead and make Bibeksheel better!

The lockdown here is likely to be eased after June 14th. We just have to be careful. Wear double-mask when outside, keep a safe distance and don't hold meetings in poorly-ventilated rooms... meet outside in the open. Stay safe!

Oli Ba has now the Madhesi party back in the power seats. Rajendra Mahato is a jackass. We all know that! Upendra Mahato's jwai is our foreign minister. With due respect to the Madhesi parties. Please work to uplift the people in the Terai and not only to make billions of government contracts and sarkari saruwa baduwa here in Kathmandu!

And today is World Environment Day. Our government bans plastic bags once again while allowing destruction of the Chure region to go further. We have wild beasts in power and no one to tame them. It's about time the Hobbits rose up... but will we?

It will be a year or so for this pandemic to settle down. Hope we all get vaccinated by then. 2022 is going to be a great year! Let us wait it out and go back to the good old days next year!

If there is anything you would like me to write about, do send an email to maguffadi@gmail.com . I am tired of talking about our politics and politician. I can write about anything, for example, how to win the Nobel Prize or how to start a new political party or how to make a home-made nuclear drive as well! God bless!