How to win elections?

Ms. R writes to me to ask about how to win elections here in Nepal. Well, you need two things in Nepal, money and muscles and that's about it!

We have like 130+ political parties registered with our Election Commission but for now, it's the Kangaroos and the Unidentified Mundrey Loafers along with our now once again, Mao-buddies (they are no longer baddies, they are just byaparis!) and our Madhesi parties.

The rest of the political parties are just on the sidelines. Bibeksheel-Sajha then should have focused on the PR seats. Our Bijukche Dai's party is now just one-seat party in the House! 

If we look at the PR system, we get the rough idea of how majority of our Nepali voters vote during elections. Nearly 75% of the folks vote for our Kangaroos and Unidentified Mundrey Loafers and the Maobuddies! And add almost 10% to our Madhesi parties and then the game is over.

It's better if we have a two-party football game but we Nepalese love to disagree and not get along when it comes to everything. Yes, folks talk about alternative politics and party but maybe, the other 126 political parties should just unite and figure things out.

Maybe, it's time we have a capitalist party instead of the usual so-called socialist and communist wallahs! Our communist netas are not communists. They are crazy capitalists walking around in Marx's t-shirt. Our Kangaroos are not social democrats. They are just another crazy capitalists and they tell you in the face unlike our comrades who talk about the poor and do nothing for the poor and the needy folks!

So if you really want to win elections in Nepal, first get your dough ready! Yes, tons of it. If you only want to win from your constituency then better be prepared to spend at least 5 Karod. If you want your party to win at least 10 seats and another 5 in the PR stuff then just multiply it by 10 hola!

And you need some muscles if you are really fighting elections in the Terai or the hilly region. It's all cowboy style politics up in the hills and down in the plains. What about in the cities, or so-called urban areas? Well, the game is to buy off your opponents and their vote banks if possible.

For example, if you are standing up for elections in Kathmandu Valley and you are more than likely to come up third then better buy off your opponent who has no chance of winning but will likely come second place by a percent or two! 

Time to ask him or her out for coffee, and just hand him your 5 karod investment for your choonaab! He or she will do everything possible to even get a few more votes from the person who will win the elections by offering some chiya kharcha to the guy or the gal's cousins!

So, better get hold of all the fake-VAT bill byaparis and martial artists and mundrey toley gundas and spend like crazy and win your seat. But to get a return on your 5 Karod investment, you better offer more and be a mantri. If not, then use your influence to bag some government contracts for your cousins and recover your investment!

Well, that's how you win elections in this beautiful land of ours ruled by greedy beasts!