Faction Distraction!

Our great Kangaroos have finally managed to figure out whom to send to represent them in the new government. Earlier, the Maoist and the morons had agreed to go with 8 and 13 ministries but I guess our Emperor has shown us that he is flexible by doling out two more to the Kangaroos so that they can satisfy their own folks.

It took them 23 days to come up with 13 warriors. And like everything else in our society, our King Deuba has to deal with factions and make sure he keeps them happy as well. Poudel Ba gets five, Sitaula gets one and Deuba gets seven this time. We already have two other Kangaroo ministers from Deuba panel as well. 

So why do we need the quota system in everything from Supreme Court Justices to Ambassadors to Mantris and even hakim sahebs in our government agencies? Well, the answer is our political parties need to make some dough because they need to fight elections in the future and our netas need to make Karods so that they have enough to last another generation. 

Our netas come to the valley with torn shirts and worn-out slippers and in a decade, they ride around in luxury vehicles, live in mansions and their kids settle down abroad or get involved in government contracts to mint more money.

Our Emperor also has to make sure his so-called united Maoist stay together. But the factions who came back will only stick together as long as they receive opportunities to make some dough at the expense of our taxpayers. 

Yes, the only goal for our political parties once they get into power is to loot the state treasury, extort from our civil servants in return for lucrative postings and promotions and receive kickbacks and what not from con artists who win government contracts for projects that seem to go on for decades.

King Deuba is just waiting to have a good time again. Only eight months to go and then he gets to live in Baluwatar again. He will be swift to make decisions not to help the country and the people but to help himself and his near and dear ones. It's time to make more moolah for the King and his courtiers. 

Gagan Thapa is finally a mantri. Once, he was looked upon as our future leader, the voice of the youth and what not. Well, after the 'Ghaitey' encounter, we have come to realize that he is no different from our other netas who have mundreys under their wings and use their help to further their own political careers.

Gagan is now our Health Minister. So what does a Health Minister do in this land? Well, the civil servants will advise the minister whom to appoint, promote and transfer for cash full of boras. And then make money off medial equipments, medicines and any contracts out there. 

If Gagan really wants to win our hearts and mind then he should visit all our government hospitals all across the country. Yes, go on a field visit, spend a month or two outside the valley. Then, come up with a master plan to reform the healthcare system in the country. 

Take action against doctors receive their paycheck from the state but refer the patients to their own private clinics. Make sure our government hospitals are equipped with adequate resources and provide quality healthcare services to the public. He has eight months to prove himself. Let us hope he does his job well.

Our Prime Monster, the great Emperor thinks he has done enough with his direction to our high ranking civil servants to win the hearts and minds of the people by doing their job. So far, our sarkari hakims have done nothing. Shutting down petrol pumps and supermarkets is good news but we all know that the wrong doers will go back to their old ways once they have paid off our thulo mancheys.

At the end of the day, it's our civil servants who run the system and if they are not doing their job, we the people suffer miserably.

So how can we motivate our civil servants? Our comedian Oli gave them a salary hike and nothing happened. Our byaparis have all hiked the prices of their goods a day after the budget bhasan and we, the people now pay 20-30% more than two months ago. 

Our civil servants do not need salary hike, dress allowance and other perks. Most of them make double their state salaries from chiya kharcha provided by the service seekers. The peon will make double, the section officers will make five times more and the hakim sahebs will make millions. Everybody gets their share and everybody is happy except us the people!

Our netas are stuck in a quicksand of faction distraction. They can never get out of it because they can't piss of their own cadres. If they do, they will lose elections and will no longer get the opportunity to misuse the power and make millions. We have hundreds of political parties in this land. But it's just handful that are in the game and they will do everything possible to share the loot amongst themselves while bankrupting the country. 

Yes, keep on sharing and looting. Enjoy it while it lasts because all good things must come to an end some day.  We have seen the Shree Tins, we have the seen the Mandaleys and we are now into the age of 'Maoist, Morons and Madhesi combo plans'. Let's hope we will finally get the leadership we deserve by the end of this decade.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Cartels, Clowns & Comedians

Our Emperor is busy directing our civil servants to crack down against black marketers, our syndicate wallahs and those selling adulterated and substandard food products.  If running this country was like making a movie then it would be quite an easy job for our Emperor. A film director directs and the cast and crew follow his vision to bring out a movie. 

But of course, to make a good movie needs competent crew and able cast but the most important thing is the script. But of course, most of our filmmakers forget about the story and fail to do their homework before production begins. 

And it's the same story with our politicians who seem to have no vision on how to move this country forward. They just blurt out whatever comes to their mind and they are good at promising everything while delivering nothing. 

We all know that our laws are lax and lenient and that is the reason why our byaparis continue to indulge in black marketing, hoarding and over pricing of food products. If they get caught, they just pay a fine running into to only thousands of Rupees and they rarely go to jail. 

And most of our thulo byaparis voluntary contribute some dough to our political parties and that's the main reason why they can continue to sell adulterated products and get away with it. 

If our Emperor really wants to do us a big favor then he should go after the powerful cartels that run this country. They tell us that we live in a democracy and we are free. But in reality, we live in an Oligarchy where few people run this country and we are free to leave this land and go abroad to make a few Ringgits. 

Look at our transport wallahs and their old rusty buses. These byaparis continue to break the law and go scot-free even when passengers are killed due to the negligence of the drivers. They have their own committees and they provide compensation but face no legal action at all. 

And our Biplab dai and his comrades should stop shutting down schools just because the school wallahs do not want to contribute some chiya kharcha to his party. Yes, our comrades tell us that our private school should stop hiking their school fees. 

But our private school wallahs are the ones who do pay off our political parties and even most of our politicians have investment in such schools. How can the government take any action against our byaparis when those in power have invested in such ventures?

If our Emperor really wants to win our hearts and minds then he should camp at our Kalimati Fruits and Vegetable Market and stay there for a few days to figure out why the consumers pay five times more than what our farmers receive from the middlemen. 

Dear Prime Monster, do not promise us 40,000 MW of electricity or to make this country another Singapore or Switzerland. With the way things are going, we are moving towards becoming another Sudan or Somalia. But if you really want to help us, the common folks then make sure we can afford to buy the vegetables and fruits with our meager salaries. 

Please make sure that we have enough cooking gas and the fuel prices must come down further because our Nepal Oli Corporation is back in green, has paid off its debt and do not need to charge more to cover their office kharcha and so-called non-existent interest payment. 

But our netas don't have to worry about buying vegetables or making sure water tankers are available or they have enough cooking gas and fuel. They get salaries and perks from the state and do not have to worry about daily essentials because their personal aides will do whatever it takes to make sure our netas and their families are well-fed and well taken care of.

Our Emperor thinks he has shown us how much he cares for the people by pledging his first month's salary to our Dhurmus Suntali Foundation. My first question is why is our Emperor still taking salary from the state when he alone is worth billions of Rupees. 

Why can't he just refuse to take a paisa from the state and use his own personal vehicle and bring his meals from home while in Baluwatar instead of spending millions each month?

If our Emperor is really eager to help our 'comedy' couple to rebuild homes across the country then why not make the couple the head of the Nepal Reconstruction Authority. 

I think Dhurmus and Suntali can help the government to rebuild homes of all displaced families in a year and the government could receive billions of Rupees from the people as contribution for the reconstruction projects if our couple head the agency. 

But of course, those who want to help are discouraged by the government because political appointees will make sure that our political parties receive their cut while competent people will make sure that the work gets done and nobody makes illegal profit from such works. 

And our government will never rebuild the homes of our people and even if they did it will take decades.  This is the new Nepal where our politicians have turned into comedians and our real comedians have turned into social workers. 

Our two special envoys are in China and India but we all know that our chimekis will tell our messengers that until we have political stability in this land, it will be difficult for us to dream and then achieve peace and prosperity. 

It seems that our government's top priority is to kiss our chimekis' arses and please them for a few Yuan and Bharu instead of making us happy.  

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

The Chindia Games!

Our new government has decided to send our two Deputy Prime Monsters to China and India so that we can continue to get free buses, tin sheets and what not. Our government tells us that these two great netas will help to strengthen the ties between our chimekis. In other countries, the Foreign Minister is the one who goes around the world, meeting leaders and working things out between the two nations. 

But here in this land of ours, we send ministers who have nothing to do with foreign relations to visit our neighbors. Maybe, both of our ministers just want to strengthen their own ties with foreign hands and do whatever it takes to please their masters so that their own political parties can benefit in the next election.

After all, cash is King and our chimekis do dole out tons of cash to our political parties for their own self interest.  But why are our netas in such a hurry to visit our chimekis instead of working together to solve the problems at home? 

Our Finance Minister should be asking our civil servants to figure out how to collect more taxes so that we will have a budget surplus rather than a deficit every year. I think we could raise a few billion dollars alone from rental tax in the valley if our municipalities were serious enough to take action against each and every Gharbeti. 

But of course, our civil servants would rather take some chiya kharcha and encourage the Gharbetis to evade taxes instead of filling up the state treasury. Our tax wallahs seem to believe that a landlord in Durbarmarg only collects less than a lakh for a ground floor shop while most offices in Anamnagar only play a few thousand Rupees in rent each month. 

Our Finance Minister should go after the fake VAT bill wallahs. We know that most of our so-called big byaparis evade billions of Rupees in taxes every year. And as usual, our netas and civil servants get their share instead of filling up the state treasury. 

Instead of making sure, we have a financially strong government, our chors work together to make sure the government always remains poor and in need of financial help from the bideshis to run this country. 

No wonder, the bideshis do run this land and our netas are their puppets!

Our Finance Minister will be going to China because he has pretty good contacts with Chinese byaparsi. 

A few years ago, he was asking for some dough from someone in China to help his party. I really don't think the Chinese government really cares who runs our country. The Chinese know very well that when it comes to our internal matters, India will always have a say and they are not worried about it. 

They only want one thing that is to stop the Tibetan refugees in this land to stop protesting in front of their Embassy. No wonder, our Home Ministry wallahs and the men and women in blue receive Chiya Kharcha from the Chinese Embassy whenever they rain laathis on the Tibetan protestors.  

And then the western media post pictures of our cops hitting Tibetan monks with their laathis and boots and it really gives us all a bad name. Our cops should take some kind of  training on how to control protestors without resorting to violence. How about singing some songs and playing dohori with the protesters? Now,  that would be a pleasant sight to see wouldn't it?

And our Home Minister is going to India to try out some Samsosas and doodh chiya Desi-style. Why on earth does a Minister for Home Affairs visit a foreign land? Shouldn't he be at home, making sure our cops are doing their job right while the public is safe from paketmaars, mundreys and even political savages who seem to block the road for their own political program and disrupt the traffic in the valley? 

Our Home Ministry should be looking after thousands of our own people who have been displaced from their homes due to floods and landslides across the country. What about another hundreds of thousands who are still living either out in the open or in temporary shelters even a year and half after the earthquake?  

And instead of going after the dons and blackmarketers, our Home Ministry is always busy making sure that those who can pay off the netas get promoted or get lucrative postings while who has neither the dough nor the connection get nothing.  No wonder, most of the police wallahs who get posting inside the valley have paid off someone in the Home Ministry or are close to our netas and will have to return the favor in the future. 

And our government has directed the Home Ministry and the Commerce and Supplies Ministry to control inflation, black marketeering and adulteration. And our Prime Monster has asked all our high-ranking civil servants to give him reports on all the problems in this land as soon as possible whereas he has also directed the Foreign Ministry to rescue our folks stranded overseas. 

But we all know how our civil servants work and nothing will come out of it.  The prices of vegetables go up by more than hundred percent in a week and our government doesn't care. I think people should stop buying sweets and gudpak in the valley because our mithai wallahs won't stop mixing rotten stuff with the sweets.  

We all know that the fuel we get at our petrol pumps are adulterated. It's funny that our politicians are either socialists or communists but in this land of ours the byaparis make all the dough and shares the ill-gotten wealth with our civil servants and clowns while the common folks can't even afford to buy a few carrots. No wonder, we are going blind and we continue to fail to see how our buffoons are continuing to take this country down the drain.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Back in the Game Again!

Our great Emperor is once again back into the power game as our 39th Prime Monster. If the man had not joined politics he would certainly be one of the country's finest actors today. He knows when to laugh, when to cry , when to grind his teeth and show his rage and when to fall flat and just smile and wait for another day to cook up another coalition to get back into power.

I think it's time we banned garlands, khatas, abirs and what not inside the House. Yes, you are now our Prime Monster but don't prance around with garlands suffocating your neck and wearing abir on your forehead as if you just came from Rio with a gold medal. 

Our Emperor should hire an astrologer and appoint him as his spiritual adviser or something. The number '9' seems to be the number for our Emperor. He was our Prime Monster earlier for nine months until he resigned because he did not get what he want which was to fire the Army Chief. 

Yes, our politicians have different priorities. They are busy figuring out whom to promote or transfer to lucrative postings rather than find ways to at least curb inflation, minimize corruption and make sure that everyone follows the laws of the land.

Now, after nine years, our Emperor is back in Baluwatar and he will be hanging there for the next nine months. Will things be different the second time around? Nope. As usual, there will be ministries to be divided among the coalition partners. And every top government positions will be divided among their loyal cadres as well. 

It's funny that we have a quota system when it comes to our government jobs. They tell us that we live in a democracy and we are now a federal republic but instead of promoting meritocracy, our politicians continue to follow the 'afno manchey' formula so that they can continue to make some moolah from those whom they have appointed to such lucrative postings. 

Our Emperor tells us that he is a changed man. Yes, he is. He now plays ping pong everyday to keep himself fit. Politics has been good for our man. From a skinny fellow, living in a dark room in Patan and riding a rusty bicycle around town, he is now an obese old man who rides in a luxury vehicle and lives in a rented house where the monthly rent is more than what an average Nepali makes in a year. Life is good for our politicians. 

After all, they have sacrificed their lives to fight the system, spent years in jail or underground so that one day, if they got lucky and came into power, then they could exploit the system to earn illegal riches rather than working together to bring reform in the system. 

That has been the story of all our politicians in this land. Yes, their kids are now better off and live a luxurious lifestyle while millions of our kids have no opportunity in this land and have no option but to go overseas and work in inhumane conditions to make a few Dinars more.

The new government is busy making sure they keep our Madhesi parties happy by declaring those killed by the state in the Madhes Andolan as martyrs and providing a million Rupees each to the victims' families. 

But in reality, the victims' families will get peanuts while local leaders will take most of it for their own kharcha! Let us hope our government will also provide for the families of our security personnel who were murdered during the andolan and also take action against the perpetrators as well.

Our Prime Monster tell us that his government will be 'the government for poor' or whatever that means because so far our politicians and civil servants have stolen from the state treasury and made the government, the country and the people poor. When our government talks about livelihood, it means providing contracts to cadres and slimy contractors so that they can make some dough. 

When they talk about education, it means providing scholarships and grants to children of near and dear ones so that they can study in foreign lands and settle there. When they talk about health, it's about making sure our government buys medical equipment for millions and let it rust and buy another one just for the sake of commission. 

When our government talks about food security, it means providing security to our byaparis who sell adulterated products and not taking action against them even when they jack up the prices by 30% every year while the farmers who sell the produce don't event make enough to provide for their families. 

When our government talks about self-employment, it means providing loans to their own cadres while millions of youth neither get any loans nor getting any training to develop their skills to earn a decent living.

Our Emperor tells us that the government will first identify the poor people and then only roll out programs to make their lives better. Yes, carry out the study , waste millions while the poor will get the most identity cards and nothing else. 

We know very well that things will not change for good. Our politicians will continue to play the 'share the loot' game and will do nothing for the poor and the needy. After all, we cannot only blame our Emperor alone. 

He is just another player who had a vision to change this country for good but once he got into the system, our civil servants and his coalition partners have changed him for good. Now, he is just another politician who spends his time making sure he finds ways to make money so that he can keep his near and dear ones happy. 

What about the country and the people? Well, for our politicians neither exist for they only know how to steal from the state and the people. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com