Saturday, May 21, 2016

All Meows Unite!

The big news this week is not why our Prime Monster Krazy Oli is giving us a new joke every other week but why did our Maoists split into dozen parties in the first place when they would have to join hands again a few years later? Maybe, our comrades wanted to try their luck on their own and when they couldn’t make a buck, they had to run back to the mother ship to make sure that they remain relevant in Nepali politics.

And our Prime Monster has definitely gone mad. You don't need to find a neurosurgeon or a psychiatrist to check up on him. He has totally gone bonkers and we don't know how and why. It was all fine and dandy when he was not living in Baluwatar. He was just another top leader of another political party who was good at ukkhan-tukka. Now, we, the people have no more tolerance for his jokes and we all shout 'Thukka!' in unison.

Oli promised to end load shedding by harnessing the wind in our hills. Okay. Then he promised to have all homes fitted with gas pipelines. Well, that was great. Now, he has promised to buy ships for us and we will no longer have to pay billions of dollars to the Desis since we will have all the oil we need within two years. 

We have heard about politicians 'promising to build bridges where there are no rivers'. But this is the first time, we have heard a jackass tell us that we will have ships and we will use it to bring goods even though we have no access to the sea. Maybe, having a highway linking India and China or even a railway sounds feasible. 

Maybe, we will have access to the coastline if there is a major tsunami and somehow all of  Bengal disappears. Let us hope that will not happen because it is not good to wish someone else's destruction for your own personal gain like our netas do.

Well, let Oli be Oli and dream of an 'Oily Nepal! In a month or two, our Emperor will soon be our Prime Monster again and it would be the right time to move back to Baluwatar for him as well. After all, ten Maoist parties are now united and they all need some dough and if you are heading the country, it is much easier to find funds for your cadres, cousins and con artists as well.

Matrika Yadav is back to his parent club. So is Mani Thapa. But it seems that the other 3 Bs want to test the waters and figure out their next move. Biplab still wants to go back to the jungle and start another people's war. Baidya Ba just wants to invade India even if it's for an hour. 

And Baburam is busy drinking 'Boost' because he has to make sure his 'Naya Shakti' will still exist even after a year or two. Well, at least one of the Bees is back. Badal is back and he will probably be a minister again and will have to make some dough as well to make sure he has enough funds to run a party when he splits again next year.

Our Emperor fed Laddoos to Badal and Matrika to welcome them back to the fold. Why follow the Desi culture?  Whatever happened to our revolutionaries? Why not Sel Roti and Aloo? If our politicians are so anti-India then they should ban Laddoo and Rasgulla in this country. Yes, we have our own Lakhamari, don’t we? 

We are pretty sure that our Emperor had Blue Label and some Badel with comrade Badal in the evening. The sweet stuff was only for photo-op for social media. Our politicians don't like sweet stuff. They need to gargle with bideshi whiskey late in the night because the local moonshine doesn't soothe their sore throats anymore. 

I think Our Emperor should step aside and let Matrika lead the party. This guy doesn't need to give speeches to prove his point. He lets his legs and hands do the talking. Hope this guy does not become our Home Minister for he might lock up our senior police officials and show them his laathi skills.

The new unified party will now be known as 'CPN Maoist Centre' . And maybe when Biplab, Baidya Ba and Baburam come back someday then they can rename it as 'Maoist Call Centre' because all of their top leaders will be busy calling each other the whole day to carry out new back-stabbing nataks instead of actually doing anything revolutionary in this land. 

Our Emperor is still the Big Boss of the new revolutionary party. He tells his fellow comrades that there will be no debacles and they will no longer suffer defeat. We are really not sure about that because now, our Emperor will have to please all those who have come back. It's not easy. 

Well, it has never been easy for our Emperor. He tried to please his Guru and tried to fire Katwal. It didn't go well. Now, his side-kick, during the People's War and there after turned out to be just another Goru suffering from extreme mood swings. Baburam should not forget that he is here today because he was a Maoist. 

If our comrades really want to move forward then they should first apologize for their excessive violence during the insurgency or people's war or civil war  or 'what was that war for?' or whatever they call it. The state should apologize for its brutality as well. 

Our government should provide compensation to the families of the victims killed both by our revolutionaries and the state as well. Then only can we move on and work together to build a new Nepal. Yes, our comrades should get the credit for the end of monarchy, for making this country secular and fighting for the minorities and marginalized. 

But if only their main objective was to loot more once they got into power then why in the world did we get into a fight in the first place where only common folks on both sides sacrificed their lives so that only our politicians would get to live a new luxurious life. 

The Maoists have forgotten their fallen comrades. The State has forgotten the security personnel who died for following orders from their superiors. And this whole country has forgotten the innocent folks who lost their lives for no reason at all. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at You may contact him at

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