Poor Nepal, Unhappy Nepalis!

How many roads must be dug up before the monsoon season begins? The answer my friend is blowing in the budget. Every year, it's the same old story where our government agencies fail to use their allocated budget till the very end. 

And then it's a rush job where our contractors are busy with the so-called development projects.  And the sad thing is that our incompetent government fails to spend the capital budget by more than two-thirds. What good is a surplus when your house is all broken down without electricity, drinking water and plumbing?

Why can't these lazy bums begin work after the monsoon season and wrap things up before the next Nepali New Year? It's because our civil servants don't their homework on time and only begin to plan things after they get the funds. 

Maybe our hakim sahebs should go back to the days when they stayed up all night studying for the civil service exams. But now when they are in positions of power, they stay up all night drinking bideshi whiskey with con artists figuring out how to siphon off the funds for themselves. And they spend most of their office hours running around for promotion or lucrative transfers!

Our crazy comedian Oli tells us that the upcoming budget will make this country prosperous and make us Nepalis happy. The only people who will prosper and be happy in this land are our corrupt clowns, lazy civil servants, shoddy contractors and business con artists! 

And for the rest of us, we just have to deal with the inflation, corruption and pollution while we carry out the frustration against each other. Yes, let us keep on fighting with each other while the buffoons hang out together and enjoy the loot!

We seem to elect the same bunch of clowns who continue to loot the state treasury and seem to believe that they are above the law. This is the land where lawmakers are lawbreakers and they get away with anything.

Our incompetent government can't even fire its own incompetent civil servants. This is the only land on earth where it is easier to transfer a hakim saheb but near to impossible transfer a low-level employee to another place without the approval of their affiliated trade unions. 

This is the only country where contractors get paid for doing nothing and do not get penalized for carrying out shoddy works. And let us not even talk about our byaparis who are actually con artists hell bent on forming syndicate to prevent new and better competitors to enter their market place.

I think we need to remind our government that our highways belong to the government and not to a group of transport entrepreneurs who have total control over who gets to ply their buses and who does not.  

So what's wrong with our traffic police increasing the fines for traffic violations? How did our bus wallahs become so powerful that they can carry out strikes across the country and even attack school buses while our police wallahs and CDO sahebs do nothing against these hooligans?

We had a chakka jam the other day. Our transport wallahs even attacked Nepal Army's school bus. I think the attackers should be sent to Nepal Army Headquarters and made to carry a 50kg rucksack and an unloaded machine gun and jog for the whole day. 

Yes, let us have a law where protestors who vandalize property and harm innocent folks have to carry out community service for a year. Yes, a few hundred could carry out all the trash from Bagmati River in a year if they can work 9 to 5 every day!

Maybe, these stone-hurling thugs were not happy with our army wallahs welcoming Bollywood actresses at our international airport. But what does that have to do with our school children?  Maybe we must have done something evil in our previous life to deserve such corrupt buffoons in this life. Why can't our protesters leave our school children alone?

Let us not close down our schools and shops. Our kids need to go to school and we need to go to the shops to buy a packet of Wai Wai and make Binod Dai a few Rupees richer. Yes, you can shut down our government offices because it won't really affect us. 

Our civil servants never do their job on time and we, the people have to run around for at least three days to get all our papers in order. So, there is no problem shutting down our government agencies that do not work half the day anyway.

But of course, our byaparis can loot us all by selling adulterated products or charging us more because they do voluntary contribute funds to our political parties. And our politicians turn a blind eye even when people suffer due to their bandas or black marketing nataks.

As usual, our government will increase the price of alcoholic beverages and tobacco products.  But why do they have to increase the products of juices and soft drinks as well? Maybe our politicians want us Nepalis to be healthy instead of drinking powdered fruit juices and sugary drinks. 

It seems that our byaparis have their own trade organizations and can shut down the country because they are not happy with the government. But how can we, the people show our frustration against the government's lack of action to control inflation, corruption and pollution. Why should we keep on paying taxes only to feed our government employees who get salary hike every other year ? 

Why should we keep on paying taxes for the services we do not receive? We are paying for water that never comes in our taps. We pay NEA for not providing us electricity. We pay and get nothing in return. 

Maybe, somebody should come up with a 'Pay No Taxes and Be Happy' slogan instead. Do we really need a government in this land where all those in power only know how to suck us dry?  How long will these corrupt clowns make us cry? The answer my friend is that nobody has the answer so far!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

All Meows Unite!

The big news this week is not why our Prime Monster Krazy Oli is giving us a new joke every other week but why did our Maoists split into dozen parties in the first place when they would have to join hands again a few years later? Maybe, our comrades wanted to try their luck on their own and when they couldn’t make a buck, they had to run back to the mother ship to make sure that they remain relevant in Nepali politics.

And our Prime Monster has definitely gone mad. You don't need to find a neurosurgeon or a psychiatrist to check up on him. He has totally gone bonkers and we don't know how and why. It was all fine and dandy when he was not living in Baluwatar. He was just another top leader of another political party who was good at ukkhan-tukka. Now, we, the people have no more tolerance for his jokes and we all shout 'Thukka!' in unison.

Oli promised to end load shedding by harnessing the wind in our hills. Okay. Then he promised to have all homes fitted with gas pipelines. Well, that was great. Now, he has promised to buy ships for us and we will no longer have to pay billions of dollars to the Desis since we will have all the oil we need within two years. 

We have heard about politicians 'promising to build bridges where there are no rivers'. But this is the first time, we have heard a jackass tell us that we will have ships and we will use it to bring goods even though we have no access to the sea. Maybe, having a highway linking India and China or even a railway sounds feasible. 

Maybe, we will have access to the coastline if there is a major tsunami and somehow all of  Bengal disappears. Let us hope that will not happen because it is not good to wish someone else's destruction for your own personal gain like our netas do.

Well, let Oli be Oli and dream of an 'Oily Nepal! In a month or two, our Emperor will soon be our Prime Monster again and it would be the right time to move back to Baluwatar for him as well. After all, ten Maoist parties are now united and they all need some dough and if you are heading the country, it is much easier to find funds for your cadres, cousins and con artists as well.

Matrika Yadav is back to his parent club. So is Mani Thapa. But it seems that the other 3 Bs want to test the waters and figure out their next move. Biplab still wants to go back to the jungle and start another people's war. Baidya Ba just wants to invade India even if it's for an hour. 

And Baburam is busy drinking 'Boost' because he has to make sure his 'Naya Shakti' will still exist even after a year or two. Well, at least one of the Bees is back. Badal is back and he will probably be a minister again and will have to make some dough as well to make sure he has enough funds to run a party when he splits again next year.

Our Emperor fed Laddoos to Badal and Matrika to welcome them back to the fold. Why follow the Desi culture?  Whatever happened to our revolutionaries? Why not Sel Roti and Aloo? If our politicians are so anti-India then they should ban Laddoo and Rasgulla in this country. Yes, we have our own Lakhamari, don’t we? 

We are pretty sure that our Emperor had Blue Label and some Badel with comrade Badal in the evening. The sweet stuff was only for photo-op for social media. Our politicians don't like sweet stuff. They need to gargle with bideshi whiskey late in the night because the local moonshine doesn't soothe their sore throats anymore. 

I think Our Emperor should step aside and let Matrika lead the party. This guy doesn't need to give speeches to prove his point. He lets his legs and hands do the talking. Hope this guy does not become our Home Minister for he might lock up our senior police officials and show them his laathi skills.

The new unified party will now be known as 'CPN Maoist Centre' . And maybe when Biplab, Baidya Ba and Baburam come back someday then they can rename it as 'Maoist Call Centre' because all of their top leaders will be busy calling each other the whole day to carry out new back-stabbing nataks instead of actually doing anything revolutionary in this land. 

Our Emperor is still the Big Boss of the new revolutionary party. He tells his fellow comrades that there will be no debacles and they will no longer suffer defeat. We are really not sure about that because now, our Emperor will have to please all those who have come back. It's not easy. 

Well, it has never been easy for our Emperor. He tried to please his Guru and tried to fire Katwal. It didn't go well. Now, his side-kick, during the People's War and there after turned out to be just another Goru suffering from extreme mood swings. Baburam should not forget that he is here today because he was a Maoist. 

If our comrades really want to move forward then they should first apologize for their excessive violence during the insurgency or people's war or civil war  or 'what was that war for?' or whatever they call it. The state should apologize for its brutality as well. 

Our government should provide compensation to the families of the victims killed both by our revolutionaries and the state as well. Then only can we move on and work together to build a new Nepal. Yes, our comrades should get the credit for the end of monarchy, for making this country secular and fighting for the minorities and marginalized. 

But if only their main objective was to loot more once they got into power then why in the world did we get into a fight in the first place where only common folks on both sides sacrificed their lives so that only our politicians would get to live a new luxurious life. 

The Maoists have forgotten their fallen comrades. The State has forgotten the security personnel who died for following orders from their superiors. And this whole country has forgotten the innocent folks who lost their lives for no reason at all. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Fool Us Always!

The Narcotics Control Bureau (NCB) should carry out drug tests on our corrupt clowns and incompetent civil servants. Yes, these buffoons must either be smoking something out of this world or are either taking pills imported straight from some medical labs in Amrika. 

Or if our Nepal Police want to try their polygraph thing to make sure it really works then why not test in on our buffoons. Maybe, we should have a compulsory polygraph tests for those who receive government funds in salaries or contracts or for free. Yes, you get free cash for your medical treatment or other kharcha if you happen to be the dear and near ones of our netas!

How in the world do you come up with such screwed-up policies and hawatari programs year in year out and expect us to believe that we will all finally prosper and be able to live a decent life? No one in his or her right mind can stand up and promise things we know that will never come true in this land of ours. 

And please stop using our President to present such nautanki nataks. The job of our President is to stay at the President's House and welcome anyone to take selfies with her. Well, the President is also our Supreme Commander in Chief of Nepal Army. 

Our President does not have the same power as the Amriki President who has the right to invade another land for no apparent reason and get away with it. But that could change if we make our Baidya Ba our President someday then we are more the likely to invade India a day after he takes office.

We are more likely to send one of our stray dogs to Mars by 2026 than generate 10,000 MW of electricity within a decade. Yes, it is possible to send  'Kalu' to the 'Red Planet' if we can somehow convince our folks who currently work for NASA to come back and help us build some kind of a capsule or a rocket that can transport a dog up there. 

But we cannot expect to generate 10,000 MW of electricity with this current bunch of corrupt political parties and inefficient bureaucracy. 

We all know that it is our civil servants who teach our politicians on how to make money from kickbacks and what not once they get into power. Yes, it is much easier to teach a SLC pass clown all the tricks when you are a Masters Gold Medalist Hakim Saheb.

Every kid in this country knows that we have the capacity to generate 40,000 MW of electricity. It's been nearly eight years since we became a Republic and if we had believed our Emperor then, we would have at least 20,000 MW of electricity by now. 

But of course, our Emperor is a emotional chap. One day, he will laugh at you, the next day he will cry for you and then next week, he will backstab you and then next month, he will hug you tight and kiss you. This guy seriously needs to visit a psychiatrist. Or just give him some Prozac and calm him down. We never know what he will do next. He might just lease the whole country to our chimekis and collect rent and be happy.

Our dream of generating thousands of MW of electricity is just becoming a big nightmare. We know we can do it but the reason we have not been able to do it is because of our bribe seeking civil servants, slimy contractors, local netas and their mundreys. 

And some of that dough somehow goes back to our netas. Yes, get free vehicles, salaries and perks and then loot the state treasury as well as get free money from contractors, civil servants and any con artists who wants to make easy money on the side while this country goes down the drain.

And the most ironic thing of all is that this land which is so rich in water resources have to depend instead on our Desi bhais to import electricity from across the border. Maybe, our incompetent government should come up with another target. 

How about promising us that we will import another 1,000 MW of electricity this winter from India and bring an end to load shedding in this land?  Now that is possible, if our clowns can keep the Desis happy instead of trying to piss them off every other week!

It seems that our politicians are more like juvenile delinquents than leaders. They have big egos because they must be compensating for whatever is inadequate in them. They fight over petty issues and agree to disagree on everything except on how to divide the loot from our state treasury. 

You can't just cancel our President's trip to India just because you are mad that the Desis don't dole out free gift hampers anymore. What do you expect? You have been kissing their arses for so long that even the recipients must have sore bottoms by now. 

You can't just recall our Ambassador in Delhi just because he is a Kangaroo. But of course, our political parties have quotas on everything. Yes, divide the vacant positions amongst themselves from to the Supreme Court to Ambassadors to any government positions. Send some byapari to represent our land for a few Karod Rupees as our Ambassadors.  Yes, fill up the Supreme Court with your Chamchas. 

What can you expect from these parasites? These are the same folks who sell the CA seats for millions of Rupees. No wonder, most of our byaparis, black marketers and con artists are our CA members! How can you then expect such folks to work together to make this country better?

Dear Nepal Government. Please stop promising us stuff that you cannot or know very well that you will not fulfill. We are surviving not because we have a billionaire in the Forbes List or because our NRNs are building hospitals and hotels and hydros. This country is still alive and kicking because of our millions of young folks who work overseas for a few more Dinars, Riyals and Ringgits.

Please stop promising us jobs, free loans and all the goodies. We know that whatever you have promised is not for us, the common folks but only for your cadres and cousins. But of course, the only one thing possible is that we might be able to welcome a million tourists on 2018.  And Nepal Tourism Board should make Hillary Clinton one of our goodwill ambassadors before she goes back to the White House. She's been here before.

What about Trump? Well, it just shows that half the Amrikans are either really stupid or just ignorant racist pricks. Well, they elected 'Dubya' twice. And maybe we are not the right folks to judge them because we have been voting for the same corrupt clowns over and over again while expecting them to change.  

It's like expecting a cannibal to be a vegetarian. They are not going to change. It is us who need to change our attitude. Let us not allow these clowns to rule over us without accountability. It's been ten years since the Maoists and the Morons got together and signed their hawatari agreement. Maybe, we need a new revolution, a mother of all revolutions to end all this natak once and for all! 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Change is Good ?

It seems that we, the people participated in many peoples' movement not to bring change in this country but to change the previous regime with a new one. And the most ironic thing of them all is that the new players turned out be more corrupt and useless than the previous chors.

We did not like the Ranas having all the fun. While, we lived in huts, they lived in palaces. While we ate Chuira and nothing else, they ate Chicken and more. While we drank local moonshine, they had wine from foreign lands.

We got rid of the Shree Tins but what did we get? We got the House of Shah and the Mandaleys. The Pancheys managed to have fun for thirty years and we no longer could tolerate the looting by a privileged few while millions of us suffered from poverty, unemployment and lack of opportunities to better our lives.

We managed to make our King just another ceremonial figurehead. What did we get? We got our Kangaroos and the United Mundrey Loafers. We thought these buffoons would really bring change to this country. 

After all, they spent decades hiding in India, eating one meal a day and having just a shirt and two pants in their closet. But when they came to power, we slowly came to realize that they had forgotten all their sacrifices they had made to fight the system.

They got into power and started to loot everything in sight. Our trolley buses became extinct; our Nepal Airlines lost billions thanks to the first daughter. Our state enterprises all incurred billions of Rupees in losses. Instead of promoting meritocracy, our new leaders stuck with the same old nepotism natak and only recruited their cadres and near ones.

The Kangaroos should accept the fact that they are the ones who are the most responsible for looting the state treasury in the 90s. Yes, we had more schools, roads, FM stations and newspapers and then the Maoist insurgency began and everyone thinks we went downhill because of them. But we should not forget the looting spree by our Kangaroos.

Yes, we had the UML sarkar for barely a year but they just turned out to be fake communists who were actually closet capitalist. Let us thank our two circus companies for introducing trade unions in civil service and introducing the culture of  'Nepal Banda' as well. 

Today, we have unions everywhere. Most of our industries have shut down. And when it comes to shutting down the highway, you don't need any big excuses. Folks shut down our highways even when a chicken fails to cross the road.

Then we had the so-called civil war where thousands lost their lives. Be it our comrades or the security personnel, only common folks died either fighting for their cause or defending the state. But it seems that our netas were always on the same page, making deals and trying to figure out how to share the loot while common folks were just used for their political games.

We finally saw the Maoists and we gave them a chance. What did we get? Well, we got rebels without a cause. I guess they were taken by the results of the first CA elections. Even they did not expect to win the majority of the seats then. But they did and instead of capitalizing on it and delivering us a constitution and bringing change to this land, they just became just another corrupt political party like the Kangaroos and the UML.

We saw our Madhesi netas winning the seats and instead of working together to better the lives of our Madhesi folks, they were instead busy looting the state as usual. We have seen the Mandaleys making a comeback. They did it in the 90s and even today, they are still part of the ruling coalition and having some fun.  Our martyrs have died in vain. They sacrificed their lives so that the same old clowns could come back and loot some more. 

Our greedy netas do not know how to change this country for the better. They only know how to topple the government, then participate in the new government and loot as much as they can while they wait for their turn to be unseated from the Kurchi!

And now it's the same old natak of musical chair where our Emperor is the kingmaker. But I think our Emperor should not be our Prime Monster. Let Deuba run the show. Our Emperor only knows how to make his family happy while Deuba knows how to make our netas happy with cash, gift hampers, tax-free vehicles, foreign vacations and many more.

Our Kangaroos and Madhesi netas are ready to support our Emperor as the new organic farmer in Baluwatar. Yes, dole out ministries to your coalition partners and enjoy the loot. I think our Emperor should change the mantris from his party.

Top Bahadur has done nothing to deal with the load shedding crisis. The former YCL head has done nothing to help the people get adequate cooking gas. And wildfires run amok across the country while our Forest Minister is busy having BBQ in his backyard. 

And yes, we had a Kangaroo stooge as the CEO of NRA then we had a UML ass-kisser and why not have a Maoist comrade to head the NRA?. We all know that nothing will be rebuilt in this country anyway.

It really doesn’t matter who becomes our next Prime Monster. Our politicians do not want to change the system. They are happy with the 'share-the-loot' culture. They do not want to reform the bureaucracy because they are happy with making millions from promotions and transfers of civil servants. 

They talk about democracy while their own political parties are not democratic at all. They are not here to change this country and bring change to our lives. They are here to loot the state treasury and make billions from contractors and black marketers. They are here to boot competent hardworking civil servants out while promoting dishonest corrupt hakim sahebs to the top so that they can make some moolah.

At the end of the day, our Desi bhais decide what's best for our country. Our netas are just ass-kissers who bow down to their masters across the border. If Delhi really wants to help the common folks then please deliver us cooking gas like you hand out ambulances and school buses to our incompetent government. 

We all know that you hold the magic formula to settle all political deadlocks in this country. Help the people not the same old corrupt politicians who have no vision to bring change in this country.

We don't want the King back and we don't want the current lot of Mini-Maharajas either. We want honest, competent people to run the show. If you can't help us to make our country better than stop the same old natak of trying out different recipes for changing the government every year and making our buffoons rich and fat while we, the people suffer miserably.