Dashain Blues

We had a new Prime Monster a few weeks ago. KP Oli probably went to the tailor or asked the guy to come to his house to take his fitting for a new Daura-Suruwal. Most of us didn't get new clothes for Dashain because our byaparis could not get new stuff from Khasa. We didn't go to our relatives for Tika because we had no fuel or could not afford the taxi fare around town.

The only folks who really enjoyed Dashain were our new PM and his ministers. It's good to have free housing, vehicle and security and cooking gas as well, especially during such crisis. We see them driving around town in luxury vehicles with armed security personnel even when there is a massive shortage of fuel in the country. 

Why can't our politicians at least walk to work once a week just to show us that they feel our pain? Why can't they use a bicycle to move around town? If you don't have the stamina to pedal then get a rickshaw. Show us that you care and you are doing your best to not waste our taxpayers' money.

I guess the first priority for our government is to make sure that our freeloaders get enough fuel and cooking gas while the rest of the country gets nothing. Our civil servants as usual must have received Khasi and other gift hampers from our contractors and con artists who make loads of money from government contracts. Our liquor shops must have run out of Black Label.

It seems that KP Oli and his government is in no hurry to resolve the crisis in Tarai. The Oli government does not seem to be affected by the shortages of fuel, cooking gas and other essential items. After all, our politicians, civil servants and other thulo mancheys seem to get cooking gas and fuel without having to stay in line for days.  

Those who can afford it have no choice but to pay five times more for fuel and cooking gas in the black market. Those who can't afford it have no choice to but to buy wood to cook their food. 

I guess our government wants us to go back to the Stone Age. It's been 25 years since the end of the Panchayati system and we still seem to be going nowhere. Our politicians fattened their bellies and wallets while they forgot the poor and they will continue to do so until we are all broke and have nothing more for them to exploit and extort.

Our politicians should be thankful that we, the people have been patient so far. I guess we need someone to lead us and take to the streets to demand an end to all this natak.  Baidya Ba seems to be in hibernation. Whatever happened to his plans to invade India? 

Where is Comrade Biplab? Are they done digging tunnels or they have put their protest programs on hold because they don't have enough fuel to go around? Dr. Saheb must be busy still writing a manifesto for his new political party.

Our incompetent government is not ashamed of itself. Our students can't go to school. Hospitals do not have adequate supplies of medicine and other needed resources to run their operations smoothly. 

Our businesses do not have any resources to stay open. How will they pay their employees? Will our civil servants also take a pay cut? No,  our lazy bums want more allowances and increase in salary every year as they do less work than before.

Our Foreign Minister Kamal Dai visited Delhi and nothing came out of it. It seems that his 'Hindu' mojo has no effect on the Desis!  Kamal Dai should have organized a Rath Yatra in Delhi or just staged a sit-in in front of Modi's office until India lifted the blockade. 

Our media tells us that we will be getting fuel from China soon. Most of it will go to our government officials while some of us might get a few liters after waiting in line for a week. And for those who don't have the time or patience to stay in line, you can always buy it from our new 'fuel' byaparis who will charge you five times more. We hear that even some of our police personnel are involved in this new racket. 

Well, you have to find ways to make some Dashain Kharcha! I think our IGP  Saheb should order his men and women that fuel should also be included in the list of things they should say no to apart from Khasis and Whiskey this festive season.

We should all be proud that we have a first women speaker in the House and now we have a Madam President as well. Let us all hope that we will have a women PM before 2020. 

If our Kangaroos had not made a fool of themselves then our Sushil Da would be sunbathing in Sheetal Niwas. Our first President was a good man. I hope our new Madam President will think of herself as the guardian of the constitution and not just follow our Prime Monster's orders. After all, it would be pretty difficult to say No to the members of your own party. 

Madam President should visit our Tarai region and tell our Madeshi and Tharu leaders that they should stop acting like a five-year old kid who didn't get enough candy during Ramailo Mela. 

Our PM and his crew should be in Birgunj and hold talks there. If we can hold a cabinet meeting up in the mountains then why can't we do the same in the plains. What good is it if our government and security personnel can't even maintain law and order in this land and do whatever is needed to make sure that the common folks have enough of daily essentials? 

We are not asking for freebies like most of our netas. Just provide us the goods and we will pay for it. Let us all thank our protesters in Tarai for giving us a 'lean' Dashain. We are much healthier because we either had to walk around or eat less meat and fatty stuff as we did not get to visit our relatives. 

Maybe, Modi and his crew will lift the blockade after the elections in Bihar is over. Maybe, they won't. Maybe, we should just invite our Madeshi and Tharu brothers and sisters from the plains to gherao Baluwatar and Baneshwor. 

Maybe, our government will listen only when things get crazy in the valley. Until then, let us all congratulate ourselves for being patient and being able to adapt to any situation no matter how worse it gets. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Victory of Evil over Good!

Let us all congratulate KP Oli for becoming our Prime Monster. We now have another tenth grader living in Baluwatar but the only difference is that we really couldn’t understand what Sushil Da said while now, we won't understand what our new PM Oli meant when he goes on a rant.

I hope he will have a great time in Baluwatar like the rest of those who have lived there before him. Yes, it's fun to be a Prime Monster in this land of ours. Even if you last a year or two, you still get freebies for life. 

Our civil servants get to be lazy for only thirty years or when they reach the so-called retirement age. But our politicians don't have to worry about such stuff. They get to loot until the day they drop dead. 

We now have seven PMs in the past seven years. If this is the trend then we might as well provide a micro bus for pick up and drop off for our former Prime Monsters instead of providing them luxury vehicles, fuel, security, allowances and what not.  

When will our government learn to save a few Rupees instead of figuring out how to provide more state perks to our so called VVIPs who have never even done anything good for this country?

Let us hope that Oli will be the last of our politicians whose only claim to fame is spending years in prison during the 'Panchey' days.  Our dear Oli spent 14 years in prison. Maybe, he considers himself half of what Mandela was. 

Our politicians do not learn from Mandela, Martin Luther King or our chimeki Mohandas. Instead, they just want to make some moolah through any ill-gotten ways possible.

Oli's first priority should have been to talk to our Madhesi parties to end their andolan for at least a month. Yes, we all know that if our Madhesi netas back down then they will lose their face among the millions of folks in Terai. Let us also feel sorry for them. They didn't the start the fire. It was always burning but now nobody wants to be firefighters. 

At least when Modi called to congratulate Oli, he should have gently requested the Gujarati magician to tell our Madhesi netas to take a break for Dashain. Resume your andolan after Tihar. 

Let us at least get a cooking gas cylinder so that we can enjoy a meal of dal, bhat and khasi ko masu this Dashain. Let us get a little more petrol and diesel than what the government offered us this week so that we can at least visit a relative or two during Dashain. 

But of course, our netas have other priorities in mind. Oli's first priority was to tell us that 350 tuins across the country ill be replaced by suspension bridges within two years. 

We all know that out of the Rs 3 billion and more allocated for the bridges, half of it will probably go to pay off our civil servants, local politicians and mantris and anybody who has the connection to get a slice of the pie. 

And we know that after two years, there will not even a dozen or two new suspension bridges in this country.  

So this Oli government promises to make this country free of tuins in two years when it should have promised to make us totally zero-dependent on India when it comes to cooking gas and fuel in the next two years. 

We all know that it is not possible but at least, we could have something to cheer about. Oli should have stood on the roof of the CA building and promised us that a Nepali will land on Mars in two years. We would have clapped again.

But of course, our netas don't know how to win our hearts and minds. They only know how to break our hearts and make us lose our minds with promises they never intended to keep.

Oli needed the help of our Emperor Prachanda and Maharaja Kamal Dai. Our Maoists will get the Home ministry and many more. Kamal Dai is now our Deputy Prime Monster and Foreign Minister as well. Let's hope that he will spend as much as possible from our state treasury as he goes on a world tour. After all that's what our foreign ministers do. 

Well, Kamal Dai is leaving for Delhi today. Let us hope he will enjoy chai and samosas with our chimekis. It has taken Kamal Dai a decade to get back into the corridors of power. So, don't be surprised if such mandaley becomes our Prime Monster someday. 

It has happened before and it will happen again until so-called our visionary netas stop being so short-sighted and see the bigger picture instead of only fighting with each other over who gets to be a mantri. 

We will have our Maoists, Madhesi, Mandaleys and Mundreys (M&Ms) in the cabinet. It's sad that our Kangaroos won't be in the new government. That means, they will be the only ones without boras of cash when time comes for our general election in a few years.  

Oli and his crew will get to loot some of the funds meant for our earthquake victims. Our Madhesi, Mandeleys and Maoists ministers will get to make as much cash as possible for themselves and their parties as well. After all you need lots of notes to win the votes in this land of ours. 

No wonder, common folks see politics as a dirty game. Our politicians seem least interested to resolve the crisis in Terai. Our politicians have already forgotten our earthquake victims and their families. 

Dashain is supposed to be the celebration of victory of good over evil but every year, in this beautiful land of ours, the hardworking citizens can't afford to celebrate the festival whereas the evil doers bathe in bideshi whiskey and free khasi from the Nepal Food Corporation. 

Our government will never help us. Let us not expect anything from them. We have us. We have each other.! Let us not let our evil doers divide us and burn our homes while they enjoy the bonfire! We are good people and one day we will prevail and defeat our own ten-headed Ravana! 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Oli Loves India (O.L.I)

While the whole country is moving in slow motion, only one person is seen running around town like a crazy wacko whose tail seems to be on fire. But of course, he has his reasons. 

He wants to be our Prime Monster real bad.  After all, who doesn't want to live in Baluwatar and spend their days doing nothing but enjoying the power and the state perks that come with being the biggest clown of them all?

Oli should be our Prime Monster. Give the man a chance to lead us. We all know that he will be no different from the rest of the clowns who have lived in Baluwatar. 

We have seen our Emperor who never rode a bicycle then but now wants to be a professional mountain biker and probably be a downhill champ by the time he leads his party to the number one spot in two years. 

We then saw our Makune who became our Prime Monster even though he lost from two constituencies during the first CA election. Yes, Makune proved that losers also can be winners but what did Makune do except cut ribbons and prance around town? Nothing! But he will get free security, vehicle and other state perks like the guy before him. 

I think we should not provide state perks to anyone who did not complete at least 1,000 days as a Prime Monster or a minister. That could save us millions of Rupees each year on luxury vehicles, fuel, security and what not. 

It's a shame that our clowns are still going around town in their free vehicles with their armed escorts while the rest of us can't get any petrol. Why can't they walk or use public transportation like the rest of us?

Then came Jhallu Baba who got slapped and then became our Prime Monster. Jhally proved that a slap instead of a kiss can also be a good luck charm. But it didn't last long as he could not celebrate Dashain in Baluwatar.  

Well, we are supposed to believe that communists really don't celebrate Dashain but our comrades are different. They will celebrate anything with anyone as long as they can get back on the kurchi. 

We go to see our Doctor Saheb. He won our hearts by choosing Mustang instead of one of them luxury vehicles. He even returned a few hundred dollars left from his overseas visit back to the state treasury. 

He also did a good job by widening our roads and it would have been better if he had stuck around to wrap up the project. And that's pretty much it. Next time, Doctor Saheb should be our Mayor and really make our capital city great. 

But of course, he has other plans. He no longer wants to be a Maoist. He wants to start a new club but one man alone can't do much in this land of ours where money and muscles help to win votes. 

Even Doctor Saheb seems confused. I think he should just take a break, relax, visit Cuba, take a Selfie with Fidel while he is still around and then come back and wait for a spontaneous revolution. 

And then, we got our own Santa Claus as our Prime Monster. Well, the Amrikans have an obese one and he only shows up during Christmas. Our Sushil Da should leave Baluwatar by tomorrow and either move to Banaras to live as a sannyasi or to Beverly Hills to try his luck to be a Hollywood star, a dream that has yet to be fulfilled. 

It's never too late to begin a new journey. Who knows Hollywood might make another Godfather movie and Sushil Da can finally get to act in it and fulfill his dream. And thanks for the constitution. It really has changed our lives for the better. 

We will now walk more, will probably fast for at least three days a week and we might even start communal kitchen in our tole so that we can all share dal bhat with our chimekis while we try not to waste the limited cooking gas we have.

Now, we have Oli.  Our Emperor, Makune, Jhallu Baba and Doctor Saheb are in the same age group as our man. So give Oli a chance to lead us. Where will he take us? We don't know but how bad can it get?  

Oli has been our Home Minister once and a Foreign Minister as well. He didn't really get to spend much time heading these ministries but he has a pretty good idea how our police wallahs work or how much cash can they fork up to get lucrative postings or promotions. As a Foreign Minister, he must know how Foreign Embassies work in our land and what the bideshis really think of us. 

While most of us running here and there, looking for cooking gas and petrol, Oli is running around town visiting other clowns to win enough votes to be Mr. PM! Save fuel, egghead. Just SMS the other person whose support you seek. Just mention how many ministries and cash you can offer instead of wasting everyone's time.

Our Emperor will support anyone as long as his party gets a few lucrative ministries. Don't be surprised if Ganesh Thapa becomes a minister next week. After all, his brother, Kamal Dai has enough votes to get a ministry or two. 

Where is Kamal Thapa and his Rath Yatra now? Why not take all the chariots to Birgunj, load up some cooking gas and petrol and bring it back the valley. Where is our Baidya Ba and even Biplab? Whatever happened to their plans to invade India?  Where are they hiding?

I think we should all give Oli a chance. But do we really have a say on who will be the next clown to bring the country down? Maybe Oli should visit the Indian Embassy wearing a t-shirt that reads 'Oli Loves India'. Maybe that would at least make the Desi ambassador call up Delhi and tell the folks there to give Oli a chance. 

Let Oli run this country. Let him be the last of the clowns who were born in the 50s to enjoy the loot for a few years. And then, when we have our general and state elections, let us not elect the same buffoons but new generation of politicians with new ideas and new hopes. 

Doctor Saheb has also done his part. He should now step aside as well with all other clowns and let the young ones lead us. 

But of course, with the way things are going, we might have 24 kingdoms again and then some person comes up with the crazy unification idea again. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Bumbling Clowns

We know that our incompetent government and our lazy civil servants really don't know how to run this country. So let us not be surprised that our government has no clue how to resolve the crisis in Terai and work with India to let the goods stranded in the border to enter our land. 

Our government doesn't even know how to fix the plumbing inside Singha Durbar and we expect our buffoons to fix the problems in this land of ours. 

It seems that this country is being run on an auto-pilot since the Shree Tins left the building and we have to thank someone up there for still holding up this country despite it being run by wolves. But it seems the way things are going, we will pretty soon crash and burn. 

The system has never changed while we have had new players in the scene every decade or two.  And they too have turned out to be as worse as the previous clowns.

It seems that our politicians have not learned a single lesson from the past twenty five years. Well, our Kangaroos and United Mundrey Leaders did support the Indian blockade then. I guess they say Karma is a you know what. I guess this time, it’s our netas turn to get bitten in their arse. 

But it's us, the common folks who suffer from all this mess. We are the ones without cooking gas to cook our food. We are the ones without fuel and have to wait for hours for public transport or walk to work in the sun. 

Yes, walking is healthy and we should all use public vehicles but so should our netas, civil servants and other chors as well, who seem to never run out of fuel. 

Our civil servants never do their homework and have no contingency plan at all. We have seen how well our government handled the crisis after the earthquake. Except for our security personnel and the common citizens, nearly every other government agencies and even our political parties failed miserably. 

We have seen how our government handled the Tikapur incident. Our Home Ministry failed miserably to plan and prepare for such violence and have failed since then to contain the violence and open up the shutdown in Terai.

India tells us that they are worried about the violence in our border region. We have hundreds of thousands of security personnel in this land of ours but our government can't deploy them to secure our highways. Our security personnel, it seems have been deployed to protect our politicians and foreign embassies and INGOs. 

Our Thulo Mancheys don't think about the common citizens. They only think about their cousins, cadres and contractors. Our country is run by con artists masquerading as leaders. So far, they have only led themselves to prosperity while the common folks are suffering from shortages of everything. 

Our politicians only know how to give speeches while civil servants only know how to please their political masters for lucrative transfers and promotions. Our clowns never do their homework and don't plan ahead either. They only think about short-term gain for themselves while inflicting as much pain as possible to the common folks.

It’s been more than fifty days since the Terai shutdown began and our government still can't bring the Madhesi-Tharu leaders on board and resolve the crisis. As usual, they tell us that they are engaged in talks with each other but the talks seem to go nowhere. 

Our Doctor Saheb goes to Terai, is forced to give his speech in Hindi and then they burn down the stage because our protesters are not happy that he did not burn the new constitution.  If our protesters are so much pumped up to burn anything in sight then it is better to organize a grand BBQ festival in Terai and invite everyone for a nice party. 

Our protesters are even getting creative. Let us congratulate them for what they claim is the longest human chain in history of mankind. Next time, please plan ahead and invite the Guinness folks so that at least we all can be proud of the new record.

Our Home Ministry enforced the odd-even plate system, then banned private vehicles from getting fuel. We still don't know when we will get cooking gas. Maybe, one day after this shortage thing is over, our Home Ministry will enforce the odd-even plate system forever. Introduce carpooling in the capital. It’s about time we had motorcycle taxis too. 

Our Home Ministry should also designate every Sunday as walking day inside the valley. Yes,  public vehicles can ply along the ring road but let us walk inside. Then, let's have a 'Cycling' Day every Tuesday. Now, we need to think of what should we have on a Thursday?

Our cable operators have banned Indian channels. Our movie theaters now only show Nepali and English movies. I hope this will continue forever. Then, maybe our Nepali movies will be blockbuster hits and our actors and crew members will get paid more instead of peanuts. And if Amrikans or the British try to screw us then we can ban all Angrezi movies and then screen Chinese and French instead. 

It seems that everyone is at war with India except the common folks. Our media tells us about the Indian blockade. The Indians tell us that there is no blockade. 

Our byaparis now charge more for everything because of India. But instead of blaming India for everything, it’s about time our politicians took responsibility for their actions. 

We all very well know that our Madhesi leaders who are heading the shutdowns are good for nothing corrupt buffoons as well. Most of them have been ministers many times and they have done nothing better for Terai and our Madhesi brothers and sisters. 

Tomorrow, when we have a dozen provinces, it is the same netas who will do their best to loot the state funds while they keep on exploiting and extorting the common people.

Yes, India is not happy with our constitution and it may have found an excuse to tighten its borders. But it is our own Madhesi leaders and our politicians here in the capital who are making all of us our lives miserable. Dear, pickpockets, please stop holding the country hostage! 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com