Corruption Maximization Program (CMP)

Our incompetent government has unveiled its corruption maximization program also known as the common minimum program (CMP). Our clowns have promised to promulgate the new constitution within a year. Well it's been more than four months since the last CA election and so far, we see no reason to be optimistic about getting a new constitution by next year. 

We really need local elections so that we can go to our ward offices and municipalities and tell our elected officials to do their jobs. It's been ages since our government employees have been manning the local offices but they rarely do their job.  And it's about time, one of our uncles and aunts become Mayors and Ward Chairperson so that we can organize some bhoj-bhater.

Our buffoons have promised clean drinking water for all citizens.  First, let our valley citizens get at least a cup of water from Melamchi and then we will believe that our government will one day provide clean drinking water for all.  

Our government wants to  promote transparency and accountability.  So does that mean, our contractors and fake VAT bill byaparis will write checks and get receipts for all their voluntary donations?  

I think most of us will believe that our Prime Minister has only three cell phones as assets but we need to make sure that our other ministers are really disclosing all they have. Why not get their gardeners, drivers and domestic helps to submit their property details as well?  

Our government has promised to adhere to the rule of law and good governance principles.  So far, our civil servants have not shown any signs of waking up from a deep slumber. They continue to bunk work, ask for chiya kharcha for everything and  act like they are the masters and we, the common citizens are their servants.  

Rule of law applies to only common folks whereas our corrupt chors and their cadres follow the rule of the jungle. Our political cadres know only how to burn tyres, hurl stones and damage public property. Maybe, we need to hire psychiatrists and send our cadres for counseling sessions so that they can channel their frustration to something productive.

Our government will now discourage both domestic and foreign visits by our mini-Maharajas. So let's hope that our ministers and so-called thulo mancheys will rather walk to Humla instead of wasting our taxpayers money on chartered helicopter rides.  

And although no more tea and biskoots during cabinet meeting is a good idea, we hope our government agencies will stop spending millions during their anniversary parties.

The fuel prices were hiked and has been rolled back partially thanks to our student union wallahs threatening to shut down all campuses and have a street parties out on the street.  

But classes in most of our government colleges are barely run and it really doesn't make much difference if our student union wallahs shut them down or not. Our students have no option but to take tuition classes to pass them exams. 

SLC is here and let's thank out other 15 student unions for a valley bandh to protest fuel price hike.  Maybe, the Greenpeace wallahs should send a certificate of appreciation for giving the valley at least a day's rest from all the pollution.  

And the usual natak of making us load-shedding free is also in the mind of our current government.  I think it would be better if we ask the Chinese to give us millions of solar panels for free as a good will gesture so that we can all get some break from load shedding for now.

Our government also plans to encourage doctors and health workers to work in our remote areas.  Doctors who go abroad for further studies on government scholarships should be forced not encouraged to work in remote areas for at least five years.  And it would be better if we can train folks in the remote areas to be health workers in their own communities.

Our cricket team has done us all proud. It would be nice if we had won against Bangladesh but maybe better luck next time.  Our government plans to fund construction of a cricket academy and maybe we will get an international-level cricket stadium soon. Our lads needs to be encouraged and be provided with cash incentives. 

The government should not hesitate to gift our players at least a million Rupees each. After all, it's our taxpayers money and won't come out from our minister's pocket.

And the joke of the week is that our government has promised to make our highways, schools, industrial areas strike free.  Our netas must either have lost their grip on their cadres or either they have empowered them with too much free will that the cadres of the ruling parties themselves are the ones carrying out bandhs and what not.  

At the end of the day, the Common Minimum Program will actually not help any of us because the funds will be used by our corrupt netas, civil servants, contractors and cadres to help themselves.