Severe Laathi Charge (SLC)

It seems like our students are not only appearing for the School Leaving Certificate exams but are also subjected to severe laathi charge from our cops. Every year, parents hurl stones and attack cops when they are not allowed to pass cheats to their children.  Hundreds of students and even our invigilators are expelled for breaking the examination regulations. 

Our students could have pulled an all-nighter revising their notes if our incompetent No Electricity Authority (NEA) had at least not stuck to their regular load shedding schedule.  Every new Energy minister promises to reduce load shedding hours and get rid of our energy problems in five years. But then they last a few months and make a few millions from contractors and civil servants seeking lucrative transfers and promotions.

I think it's about time, our incompetent government scrapped the SLC exams and save us all from misery. Our parents in the rural areas won't have to get into physical altercation with the cops. The students won't have to suffer from panic attacks and resort to making cheat notes to pass the exams. 

And our government can save millions of Rupees by not conducting the exams.  Instead of doling out chiya kharcha to our invigilators, build toilets in schools across the country.   I think it would be easier for all of us if our students take the 10+2 exams instead of getting stuck in the 'Iron Gate' syndrome.  And if our political parties were smart then those caught cheating during the exams should be offered party memberships as they are thrown out of the examinations halls. 

After all, our netas need to groom the young ones to take over the mantle someday and those cheating would be the most eligible candidates to screw the system for their own self-interest. And those who fail the SLC exams should not lose hope. Please try again and if you fail again then take Barista training and work for a coffee house for a year and then apply for jobs in the Middle East. The Sheikhs are hiring and a barista can make at least Rs 60,000 per month. 

During our grandfathers' days, passing the SLC exam was a big thing. If you were matric pass then you were probably met the eligibility requirement to be a hakim or some government official.  Today, you won't even get a decent job if you have a Masters degree. 

But the system is still the same where nepotism rules and meritocracy is frowned upon.  For some of us, you don't even have to pass eighth grade to run our state corporations.  A few years ago,  one of our comrades became the chairman of Nepal Airlines because he had enough experience building paper planes during his school days. Maybe, we should appoint a candle maker as the Ministry of Energy and a loan shark as Minister of Finance if we really want to pull this country out of the gutter.

Our cops now use tear gas and fire in the air to disperse our SLC candidates. When it comes to police brutality, none of us are spared.  Nepal Police continues to practice equal discrimination and it will spare no one when it comes to severe laathi charging …be it our monks, women, students, doctors, patients or the disabled and the marginalized communities. 

Meanwhile, our Home Minister attends programs everywhere, promising us better security and what not. Batman tells us that our security personnel should be loyal to the country and people. But so far our cops are only loyal to our incompetent netas and their spouses.    It doesn't look good when we have to watch the spouses of high ranking security personnel using the government vehicles. It's about time, our maharanis stop using government vehicles to buy some outfits for their kids.

Batman has promised to secure our borders and wants us to believe that he won't compromise on public security. So far, only our netas are secured while we have to worry about getting mugged in our own neighborhood.  And if one can bribe our cops at the border, then you can smuggle nearly everything into our country. 

The funniest quote of the week once again goes to our Batman. During his bhasan natak at the APF headquarters, our Homie told our Armed Police Force wallahs that they "should not make efforts to climb up the professional ladder through improper means". Does that mean, our Home Minister will not be making any dough when he promotes our Nepal Police DIGs to AIGs soon?

Batman wants our police officers not use unfair means to advance their career. So, please don't call the Home Minister's personal aide to fix breakfast meetings. And do not bring bora full of cash to get lucrative transfers and promotion.  

Why in the world do our politicians give us such bakwas guff and make fools of themselves? We all know that our political parties send their money men and women to be our ministers so that they can make enough dough for their parties and cadres. So please stop lying to us and giving us empty promises while emptying our pockets. 

Corruption Maximization Program (CMP)

Our incompetent government has unveiled its corruption maximization program also known as the common minimum program (CMP). Our clowns have promised to promulgate the new constitution within a year. Well it's been more than four months since the last CA election and so far, we see no reason to be optimistic about getting a new constitution by next year. 

We really need local elections so that we can go to our ward offices and municipalities and tell our elected officials to do their jobs. It's been ages since our government employees have been manning the local offices but they rarely do their job.  And it's about time, one of our uncles and aunts become Mayors and Ward Chairperson so that we can organize some bhoj-bhater.

Our buffoons have promised clean drinking water for all citizens.  First, let our valley citizens get at least a cup of water from Melamchi and then we will believe that our government will one day provide clean drinking water for all.  

Our government wants to  promote transparency and accountability.  So does that mean, our contractors and fake VAT bill byaparis will write checks and get receipts for all their voluntary donations?  

I think most of us will believe that our Prime Minister has only three cell phones as assets but we need to make sure that our other ministers are really disclosing all they have. Why not get their gardeners, drivers and domestic helps to submit their property details as well?  

Our government has promised to adhere to the rule of law and good governance principles.  So far, our civil servants have not shown any signs of waking up from a deep slumber. They continue to bunk work, ask for chiya kharcha for everything and  act like they are the masters and we, the common citizens are their servants.  

Rule of law applies to only common folks whereas our corrupt chors and their cadres follow the rule of the jungle. Our political cadres know only how to burn tyres, hurl stones and damage public property. Maybe, we need to hire psychiatrists and send our cadres for counseling sessions so that they can channel their frustration to something productive.

Our government will now discourage both domestic and foreign visits by our mini-Maharajas. So let's hope that our ministers and so-called thulo mancheys will rather walk to Humla instead of wasting our taxpayers money on chartered helicopter rides.  

And although no more tea and biskoots during cabinet meeting is a good idea, we hope our government agencies will stop spending millions during their anniversary parties.

The fuel prices were hiked and has been rolled back partially thanks to our student union wallahs threatening to shut down all campuses and have a street parties out on the street.  

But classes in most of our government colleges are barely run and it really doesn't make much difference if our student union wallahs shut them down or not. Our students have no option but to take tuition classes to pass them exams. 

SLC is here and let's thank out other 15 student unions for a valley bandh to protest fuel price hike.  Maybe, the Greenpeace wallahs should send a certificate of appreciation for giving the valley at least a day's rest from all the pollution.  

And the usual natak of making us load-shedding free is also in the mind of our current government.  I think it would be better if we ask the Chinese to give us millions of solar panels for free as a good will gesture so that we can all get some break from load shedding for now.

Our government also plans to encourage doctors and health workers to work in our remote areas.  Doctors who go abroad for further studies on government scholarships should be forced not encouraged to work in remote areas for at least five years.  And it would be better if we can train folks in the remote areas to be health workers in their own communities.

Our cricket team has done us all proud. It would be nice if we had won against Bangladesh but maybe better luck next time.  Our government plans to fund construction of a cricket academy and maybe we will get an international-level cricket stadium soon. Our lads needs to be encouraged and be provided with cash incentives. 

The government should not hesitate to gift our players at least a million Rupees each. After all, it's our taxpayers money and won't come out from our minister's pocket.

And the joke of the week is that our government has promised to make our highways, schools, industrial areas strike free.  Our netas must either have lost their grip on their cadres or either they have empowered them with too much free will that the cadres of the ruling parties themselves are the ones carrying out bandhs and what not.  

At the end of the day, the Common Minimum Program will actually not help any of us because the funds will be used by our corrupt netas, civil servants, contractors and cadres to help themselves.

Oli, Holi & Goli

Holi is here and our competent cops are going all out to ensure that we don't get harassed by Rowdy Romeos.  Instead of just tightening their belts during festivals, it would be nice if our men and women in blue remained active all year round. Comrade Oli won't be playing with colors this Holi as he is recovering from health issues. If Oli was well then he sure would have fired some goli with his boli this Holi. 

Our netas should learn a thing or two from the West. Former US Senator was hired by Pfizer many years ago to create awareness about impotence. There is no shame in talking about health issues and raising awareness among the public. World Kidney Day was observed on Thursday and Oli Dai could have done his part by talking about his kidney problems and telling the common folks that most forms of kidney diseases are treatable. 

Many of our incompetent netas suffer from high blood pressure and other health issues.  It would be nice to see our buffoons out on morning walks instead of riding around in gas guzzling SUVs.  Our leaders should lead by example and if they really want to promote a healthier Nepal then they should forgo their free rides and walk to work instead of stopping traffic and making us suffer.

According to the Hindu legend, Holi is celebrated to mark the victory of good over evil. I guess the folks back then were willing to fight against evil doers but now, the tables have turned. The evil-doers run the show in this land of ours and they want to prevent the good, hard-working from leading a decent, productive life.

Our netas hire mundrey gundas to do the dirty work. Even our student unions are run by mundreys instead of genuine college students. I think we should move all our government campuses outside the Ring Road area instead of having them in the middle of the city. 

Our Prime Monster is busy having tomato soup instead of apologizing for the natak carried out by the Nepal Student Union (NSU), the student-wing of his party. If those hooligans were arrested with illegal firearms then they should be sent to Rolpa where they could do a few years of hard labor. But our student cadres act like savages and use their stone hurling skills to create a scene. 

Our Home Minister has vowed to get rid of the goons soon. Instead of only targeting Holigoons this Holi, why not go after all hooligans including ones from his own political party as wel? But BamDev Baba is too busy trying to promote his near and dear ones in the police force. And just going after small crooks won't make us safe because most of the mundreys have political affiliation and our cops have no choice but to release them after a few weeks in custody. 

A big-time loan shark was arrested recently and our police managed to confiscate half a dozen weapons from his home. How in the world did the guy get licenses for so many firearms?  And the funny thing about the loan sharking business in this land of ours is that most of the money comes from our senior police officers, civil servants and netas.  The evil-doers were having fun when the loan shark guy was busy doubling their money but he must have pissed a few people along the way.  

Now, he gets to spend some time in custody, drinking milk tea and samosas. The milk price hike won't affect him because he has already made billions from charging high interest to our byaparis.  

If everything continues to go up in this land of ours, then the only folks who will be here are our corrupt folks and mundrey gundas whereas all able-bodied folks will have to venture far away in foreign lands to support their families back home.

And the joke of the week is that our Emperor and Baidya Ba are thinking of a merger. Why did they break up in the first place if they want to join hands again? Maybe, they would have won a few more seats if they had not gotten into a spat earlier. But our political parties break up, make up and then break up because it's hard to satisfy everyone. Every other clown wants a piece of the pie and when one does not get enough then they want to form their own political party so that they can go back to our fake VAT bill byaparis for voluntary donations.  

So this Holi, let's have fun with colors and enjoy the day. Our civil servants once again have a long weekend and let's hope they will be rejuvenated and will get back to work with full on energy instead of their usual slacking off ways.

Bam Dev becomes Batman

Bruce Wayne is a billionaire, industrialist and philanthropist. We don't know if Bam Dev is worth billions but he sure is an opportunist and a cunning capitalist masquerading as a hardcore communist.  And now our honorable Home Minister wants to be our Batman but he doesn’t  have to don a cape, a simple topi will do. 

While Wayne gets to cruise around the city late at night in a bat mobile, Bam Dev gets a gas-guzzling SUV and armed security personnel to move around the capital. Instead of fighting crime, he will probably be busy figuring out how to make some dough from promotions and transfers of police officers.

Our IGP Saheb is all alone and the post for 8 AIGs is lying vacant. 12 DIGs will be competing to get the extra phuli and better perks. But competency is not a requirement, cash is. So whoever comes up with some extra cash will get promoted and our Home Minister will need pretty strong boras to hold all that dough.

The difference between Wayne and Bam Dev is that the billionaire wants to fight crime at night whereas our buffoon wants to shut down all night-life businesses so that our cops won't have to fight any crime after their drinking hour begins.

2014 is Bam Dev's year because he is celebrating his 50th year as a comrade. So what has he done for the country in the past fifty years? Nothing. The first time, Bam Dev had fun in the sun was when he became our Home Minister back in 1997. 

Elton John's 'Candle in the Wind' was the number one song that year.  If our Bammy dyed his hair blonde, got rid of topi and wore an earring or two then he could look like Elton Baba now.

But of course 2014 is different and we have to deal with Miley Cirus and her nautanki nataks that makes you throw up instantly. Our police wallahs are now going all out to curb crime in the city by shutting down massage parlors as if our mundrey gundas hang out there to get their daily massage. 

Yes, many massage parlors in Thamel are engaged in illegal activities but instead of raiding the places and rounding up the staff, why not go after the ones who force women to engage in sexual activities?

Bam Dev was our Home Minister in 2008 as well. And all he did then was to shut down night-life businesses in Thamel by 10pm. Our cops in Sorakhutte had to curse their luck because they no longer could extort extra pocket money from dance bar owners to allow them to open till 4am. 

Our honest cab drivers were forced to go home early instead of waiting for drunk passengers and charging them double the meter.  

Instead of acting like a Taliban, our Bam Dev Baba can do us all a favor if certain spots in the city are allowed to operate their night-life businesses till early morning if they follow certain government regulations such as sound-proofing their premises, providing a safe and enjoyable environment for customers and of course, not engaging in illegal activities. 

If Bam Dev really wants to be our Batman then please reform the police force instead of only going after mundrey gundas from other political parties. Deepak Manange was arrested from the national stadium after Manang Marshyangdi Club won this year's league title. 

Why only single out Deepak Dai? What about the other dons like Chari, Ganesh Lama and the rest of the mundreys? But of course, Chari is a UML don whereas Lama Dai is close with our former Home Minister Bijju Maharaj. 

Yes, we all love our SSP Ramesh Kharel but if he really wants to help our Batman clean the city from all the mundreys then at least be impartial and nab all the mundreys in 24 hours and lock them all up and carry out investigations. 

And make sure our dons stay in jail for a decade or two and their ill-gotten wealth confiscated. We can even use their illegal money to provide better housing for our low-level police personnel and maybe our jails will finally get some dough to carry out much needed maintenance.

And we would all celebrate Bammy & Rammy Day every year to mark the day they managed to get rid of the mundreys from the capital. But of course, that day will never come. SSP Kharel will probably be our IGP someday. Bammy may have dreams of becoming our Prime Monster too. 

So let's wish them both the best and let's hope they will teach our police personnel to treat common citizens with respect and make our capital safe instead of hurling verbal abuse as well as laathis against us and no more joining hands with the mundreys to make a few extra Rupees.