God Save the Country

Our Emperor and his courtiers have decided to launch a month-long election campaign to touch base with the people.  Yes, it's about time the great revolutionaries headed back to the villages instead of driving around town in luxury vehicles.

  

Let's hope the party will provide walking sticks to our comrades as they reach the far corners of the country. But of course, our revolutionaries have now expanded their waistlines and might find it difficult to go on a trek like in the old days. And it's much easier to use a chopper. You can be in Rolpa for lunch and be back in the capital for an early evening drink. 

In the previous CA election, our comrades had asked us to give them a chance. We did and they turned out to be no different than the previous clowns.  

Our comrades should have captured Tundhikhel and pitched tents. All the big fishes could have stayed in the new commune and used the Tyampoos to get to the CA hall but instead they wanted to enjoy the state perks.  And at the end, we wasted billions and got nothing.  

Let's hope our comrades will come up with a better slogan this time around. Asking for one more chance will not work for us now. Maybe they should promise us a monthly gift hamper of one cooking gas cylinder, a jerrycan (in Nepal we call it 'jerkin') full of petrol for our bikes and one bora of basmati rice.  

Then, we could change our mind and maybe give them one more chance to make it right. But we should make sure we get the official gift voucher from Peris Danda. But of course, our clowns are good at making lofty promises and not keeping any of it. 

We are still waiting for 10,000 MW of electricity while we suffer from massive load shedding during winter. We are still waiting for capitalist pigs to be sent to gulags while we continue to eat and drink adulterated food products. We are still waiting for our clowns to get their acts together and give us a constitution while they are busy kissing arses of foreign handlers.  

Instead of bringing other clowns together and writing the constitution, our comrades were busy raking in the moolah.  And now, we will be spending billions to hold the CA election again. And billions more will be spent providing free lunch to our new CA members. 

If our comrades really want to win the majority in the upcoming CA election, then they should announce that they will forgo their CA salaries and perks this time . And also please put that in writing and ask our crown prince aka computer operator to post it on his Facebook Wall.

Talking about princes, Great Britain has a new prince.  Lizzie darlng is still rocking on her throne and we still have 'Long Ears Charlie' , 'Balding William' and now Baby George.  The birth of the Prince of Cambridge is expected to contribute billions of pounds to the British economy.  Where did our Royals go wrong?

It's probably a waste of time to go back in time and evaluate what went wrong. But our former Royals are now distributing relief aid to flood victims across the country. It's a nice gesture and Gyanu uncle can top it off if he promises to build Darchula with his own dough. Now that would be a perfect bitch-slap to our clowns and the incompetent government. 

But of course, our government wallahs are not happy. They want Himani Trust to go through the government mechanism to distribute the relief package. Why? So that our sarkari chors can keep the stuff for themselves or sell it to byaparis in the local market for a few extra Rupees.  

Dr. Saheb is mighty pissed and has stated that he would have put Gyanu uncle in jail if he was still the Prime Monster. Well, why didn't he do that when he was growing organic tomatoes in Baluwatar? Maybe he should just head back to Gorkha and live in the Durbar and proclaim himself the King of Gorkha. 

Apart from that, there isn't much Babu dai can do except talk  about launching trench warfare again. How about digging a trench and living in it until November 19 to show us that you still feel the pain of the people.

And Baidya uncle and his crew have decided to launch anti-poll drive by smashing mock ballot boxes.  The angry birds used hammers to smash them boxes. They should also have brought some sickles for the photo-op. And they are now going around town telling folks that they ready to join hands with the right-wingers to save this country.  

The country is fine. Maybe we should all join hands to save this land of ours from the evil doers masquerading as politicians and philanthropists.

Budget for Dummies

Our interim government is going around town boasting about how they managed to bring out a full budget this year. I guess that should call for a party and let's even nominate our Finance Minister for Nobel Prize or something.  

I hope someday the 'budget announcer' will stop dangling the suitcase with red ribbons as he or she makes her way to announce the budget. Our Finance Minister is not Santa Claus and we have yet to be happy with the annual buget natak.

While civil servants, contractors and cadres will benefit from the budget, common citizens will have a hard time saving a few Rupees to buy a decent pair of gumboots. It's the same old natak every year.

It's always bad news for our smokers and drinkers. It's about time they learned how to grow their own tobacco leaves and make their own moonshine. The government could help us all  if they hiked taxes on cigarette and alcohol products by a 1,000%. That would really make us think twice before buying a pack of cancer sticks or a bottle of liver bomber.

We can never be like Singapore. We do not have the death penalty and we don't cane foreigners who over-stay their visas. But at least, we can peg our cigarette and alcohol taxes with that of Singapore. If you want to buy a pack of cigarettes then you should pay at least Rs 800. If you want a bottle of domestic whiskey then please fork out Rs 3,5000 per bottle.  

How about the Johnny Walker stuff our netas and sarkari hakim sahebs love to drink? Well, we should have a super tax on bidhesi stuff.  Or maybe we should make it mandatory for customers to show their source of income whenever they visit a liquor store to buy a bottle of  Blue Label. 

After all, only the fake VAT wallahs, corrupt civil servants, contractors and our visionary clowns can afford to buy them expensive bideshi raksis. And then we should pray that our government uses the taxes from such products for education instead of free lunch to our clowns.

The civil servants will be getting 18% pay hike and an additional Rs 1,000 a month  as chiya kharcha. I guess all the bribes they receive from service seekers was not enough for our lazy bums. A sarkari peon will now be making more than Rs 12,000 per month whereas if you are working as a peon for one of them business houses then you should be happy if you make even half of that. 

Our chief secretary will now be earning at least Rs 40,000 per month. Is that enough to live comfortably in Kathmandu? Nope but we have yet to find a hakim saheb who does not have a nice house in the valley. And we should not be worried about how they managed to do that with paltry salaries. 

Most of our sarkari hakim sahebs and netas have rich in-laws. And whenever the CIAA wallahs ask them how they managed to earn so much in such a little time, they have the same answer. Their father-hi-laws are rich and the land is in their wives' name.

As the government allocates billions of Rupees for so-called development projects, our contractors will once again make some dough while they carry out their shoddy work. And of course, they will have to pay our civil servants commission to get the government contracts. And how can we forget the mundrey gundas who are affiliated to our political parties? They will also need some chiya kharcha from the contractors.

And we common citizens have everything to lose. Our contractors can take all their time to finish the road widening projects. Our clowns think they have another decade to finish writing the constitution. We will be wasting Rs 16 billion to hold another CA election so that our clowns can enjoy their bhatta while they agree to disagree on everything except when it comes to looting the state coffer. And most of us have no option but to go overseas to make a few more Ringgits, Dinars and if we are lucky then a Dollar or a Yen.

Our budget for the upcoming fiscal year is 500+ billion Rupees.  The budget has more than doubled in the past five years and so has our trade deficit. We barely export goods worth a billion Amriki dollars whereas our imports stand at nerve-wrecking 5+ billion dollars. It's about time our government declares 2014 as a 'Minimize Import Year'.  It would not be possible to stop all imports so the best we can do is minimizing it.

We will need cooking gas to eat dal bhat. We need petroleum products so that our micro wallahs can drive like a snake in the middle of Kathmandu. But it's about time we introduced odd-even number plate number system so that we can save some fuel and it might help to ease traffic congestion. 

We should also introduce lunch-pooling where the whole neighborhood gets together and cooks lunch every day. We can save on cooking gas and even on rice and pulses as well.  But our government and the bureaucracy are not worried about saving because they are having fun skimming the funds.

Ineligible voters and Treasury Looters

Dr. Saheb is back on Facebook after finding it difficult to explain his thoughts in less than 140 characters. Instead of tweeting or updating his Facebook statuses, he should open a YouTube channel and do a ‘daily show’ where he can talk about how his road widening project has helped us all to come together. As vehicles get stuck on muddy roads, we have seen citizens joining hands to push the vehicle as the driver saheb tries to get it out. 

Since Dr. Saheb is now a simple party cadre, it would be a great act of sacrifice if he decides not to contest in the upcoming CA election. Yes, give some other comrade a chance to represent Gorkha.  If our smarty pant is really hell bent on proving a point then he should just quit politics and be a university professor.  And then hope that our Emperor will follow suit and go back to farming or animal husbandry. After all, the great commander has a degree from Rampur Agricultural Campus.

The Election Commission is now registering eligible voters and they don’t even need to show their citizenship certificates. What’s next? Maybe they will also allow Kuireys to vote as long as they show us a receipt of having taken a mountain flight. 

If you are not a Nepali citizen but happen to live across the border then just bring a hand-written note from one of our political parties and it is enough to get yourself registered.  It’s not that difficult to get a Nepali citizenship certificate.  The Indian criminals who operate along then Nepal-India border all seem to have acquired Nepali citizenship after bribing our sarkari hakims. Bangladeshis buy Nepali passports and fly to the Middle East. 

Our political parties can use the dough collected from extortion and voluntary donations to hire tons of jeeps and eligible voters from across the border.  Or if they have enough funds, they can even invite the ‘chimeki’ voters for a month-long vacation in Tarai before the election. Our political parties have been violating the laws of the land and no one seems to care. Why do we even need any laws if our clowns are not going to abide by it. 

Since the days of the Pancheys, our clowns have been using hoodlums to win the election.  And now even in the age of the Republic,  our freeloaders still need the help of mundrey gundas to capture them booths or threaten common citizens  to vote for them.  

First they try to win the hearts and minds of eligible voters by giving them gifts. It can be anything, goats, chickens, pigs or a gallon of pure ‘Kodo ko raksi’ or just straight cash. If that fails, then our villagers will be threatened with bodily harm or even exile from their villages. 

If that too fails, then it’s all about capturing the voting booths or stopping eligible voters on their way to the polls and not allowing them to exercise their right. 

It’s a little tougher to carry out your dirty schemes in the urban areas.  You can’t just barge in and steal the ballot boxes. There are just far too many cops around and there will be the media wallahs as well. The Kuirey election observers will also be mostly in the urban areas to monitor the election. 

So, the only way to get around it is to make sure the eligible voters are registered and they are promised gift hampers. One will need to find a guy who can bring in the votes and then promise him a suitcase full of cash. 

We really don’t need a survey from the Transparency International (TI) to make us aware that our political parties are the most corrupt criminal syndicate in the country.  The only good thing about TI’s report is that we are a little better off than India, Bangladesh and Pakistan when it comes to paying chiya kharcha. That must mean that we are at least saving a few Rupees more than our chimekis.

While our flood victims have yet to receive any relief, our Emperor takes his consort to Singapore for medical treatment.  Instead of rushing back to visit the Desi foreign minister Salman bhai, he should have visited Lee Kuan Yew for high tea.  Our Emperor can learn a thing or two from Mr. Lee on how to have the vision, drive and single-mindedness to transform the country.

Salman bhai was in town for less than 9 hours but he managed to meet nearly every other clown from major political parties. Our former Prime Monsters and other freeloaders visited Dwarika Hotel to shake hands with Salman and ask for his autograph. 

The Indian Ambassador should have just invited all our clowns to the Indian Embassy for free lunch and Salman could have just given his motivational speech to all in one venue.  We will be getting 700+ vehicles from the Desis for the upcoming CA poll. When will our government stop begging and make us look bad? If you can’t afford a gaadi, then get a bel-gaadi instead!

Our Comrades

Our Emperor is having a tough time keeping all of his courtiers happy. Dr. Saheb now wants to be a simple party cadre instead of being the vice-chairman. I think it’s time we request our comrades to act like real ‘men and women’ instead of juvenile delinquents. Grow up and sort out your differences like civilized human beings instead of crying, shouting and then pouting.

Dr. Saheb  also wants our Napoleon to step down and pave way for the young comrades to take charge of the biggest racket in town.  A month ago, some of our comrades had proposed an age-limit for top leadership of the party.  But nobody wants to leave the building at 65.  After all, when you have tasted power, you are not going to leave the scene to live like a hermit. 

I hope Dr. Saheb will now use public transport to attend party meetings.  And when going to Gorkha for his monthly bhet-ghat karyakaram, please do walk all the way from the capital instead of taking a bus from Kalanki. That would really make the party cadres proud and our Emperor will have a tough time trying to match such nataks. 

After all, the great chairman only knows how to use them muscles and money. He can either give you a break by doling out millions to break up your party or send his enforcers to break your leg. If Kollywood one day makes a remake of the ‘Godfather’ then we know who will get to play the leading role.

Baidya uncle and his crew have now formally announced that they will boycott the upcoming Constituent Assembly (CA) polls.  It really doesn’t matter if our netas make informal or formal announcements. At the end of the day, our freeloaders don’t have any vision and the only thing they know is how to shut down the country and make all our lives miserable. 

The Afghanis have the Talibans and maybe we should rename our comrades, Balibans. The angry birds really hate everything Desi.  They did shut down our theaters for screening Bollywood flicks.  But it was only  for a week or two and the hall wallahs were back with the usual Bollywood and Hollywood movies. I guess the hall maliks decided to voluntary donate some dough to the Balibans.

Our dash-comrades should make a formal announcement of invading India next week. After all ,our comrades see India as the enemy number one. It would be fun to watch Baidya uncle leading the charge as he hops across the Indian border.  

It could be a David vs Goliath story. But he will need a massive catapult if he wants to hit Delhi.  Maybe, our Balibans should visit North Korea, Venezuela and even Iran and come up with a master plan to at least provide us some relief from all the shortages of everything  and what not. That would really win the hearts and minds of the Nepali people.

The North Koreans can give us new technology like how to produce counterfeit currency, fake Marlboros and of course, long-range missile technology. Dennis Rodman will even visit our land and work as a coach for the national basketball team for a year or two. He surely is tight with Little Kim. Our traders won’t have to worry about rising Amriki Dollars since they can buy cheap fake dollars to import goods. 

The US will probably send their secret service agents to investigate the fake currency racket and landlords in the valley can jack up their rent prices every time, a bideshi wearing one of them ‘Men in Black’ suits show up at their door. 

Our smokers can save some money by buying fake Marlboros until their lungs run out. And who cares if  Little Kim’s missile technology doesn’t work. We can use the big-arse rockets as border pillars and that would probably make the Desis think twice before meddling into our affairs.

The Desis import oild from Venezuela and Iran. If Baidya uncle can visit them two lands and make some speeches about how he is going to use a catapult to knock off the imperialist pigs then we are sure to get cheap oil from them. The Desis can’t say no to their requests to drop off their free gifts across the border.

But of course, our Balibans don’t have the courage to do anything except make speeches about foreign hands conspiring to make our country a failed state.  If they really want the world to take notice of them then they should be asking Edward Snowden, the former CIA contractor turned whistle-blower to leave Russia and come to Rolpa. 

If our comrades are really anti-capitalist, anti-imperialist and anti-everything then this is the right time to cash in. If we can get Snowden in Nepal then Germany will probably increase its foreign aid by ten-fold. Hong Kong will probably give us visa on arrival and China will build highways across our land for free. After all, nobody likes to be snooped upon.