Driving in Kathmandu....

Today, we will guff about driving in Kathmandu, as suggested by SKZ!

It's pretty easy to drive them 'auto' gaadis. You don't need to worry about them gear sear stuff and you can palti-cushing, drinking coffee and driving at the same tyam!

But when in comes to them stick shift, you really need to know how to multi-task.... one foot on them clutch slutch, arko ki chai brake ma ki chai accelerator ma... you only have two khuttas and there are three pedals ... ani bhaye nuh fasad!

Well, I had to go back to driving school here and learn how to be comfortable driving around in Kathmandu. After driving 'auto' for more than a decade, going back to 'manual' was a little scary at first... hehe!

And it was fun.... since all them 70s Toyota 'tourist' gaadis have been bought by the driving school wallahs and the rest chahi you can see them at our international airport hehe!

So even if you already know how to drive, just enroll at them driving school to drive an old Toyota gaadi every morning for a week... you might not learn anything new but at least you will win a good friend (your 'teacher) who also seem to know nearly every other traffic cop in and around his neighborhood!

My driving 'teacher' looked like some guy from them 80s Bollywood movie. He would be eating Paan Parag at 6 in the morning. We would drive around Ring Road ... but mostly it was guff suff than learning how to make sure that you don't run over some bike-wallah or bump into a cow or try to find out if the kid running around will land on your hood or will safely cross the road!

Driving in Kathmandu is not about speed .. it's about dodging everything, everyone and arriving safely at your destination.

Ten years ago, we had like half a million folks and maybe 40,000 motor bikes.... now we have more than 5 million New Nepal-ers and 400,000 bikes in the valley. And don't forget them Micros, cabs, school buses and them private vehicles!

The rule in Kathmandu is to only look ahead, don't even worry about checking your rear-view mirror.. you can throw it away nai! This goes for the bike wallahs but if you are driving a car sar then make sure you have a co-pilot with you to check if any bikers are not zooming in from the left and the right at the same tyam!

If you are driving them 'REVA' electric vehicles then don't worry but other than that.. make sure that you slow down and let the bikers do their 'squeezing' stunt or else they will ram into your vehicle because most of the bikes in the valley do not come with any brakes or they drive as if they don't have any brakes kya.

And then you also have to watch for our pedestrians.... they will probably wait until the last second to cross the street. So slow down and give a hand signal for them to cross or stay put or else you will hit the person and you will probably be stoned to death (and so will your vehicle) and some guy with find a jerkin of petrol, pour it on your vehicle and burn it pani.

But of course, it depends where you are ni... most of the stoning, burning and mob-bashing happens around the Ring Road area... so make sure you have you heave duty anti-riot gear with you when you drive around them places hehe.

Nepal ko so-called 'rule' anoo-saar... whoever hits from behind is to blame and whoever has the smallest ride is never to be blamed. A cycle wins over a bike, a bike wins over a car and so on.. hai!

And if you are driving a big-arse SUV then make sure that you have glued your old mattresses around your vehicle so that even if you do hit a cyclist, he will safely land on a padded hood than breaking his back kya.

Kathmandu ko traffic jam ma tuh your speed should be like 1.7 miles (km) per hour and 90% of the tyam, you will be only using them steering wheels to dodge a bike, a cow or a pedestrian or a Micro!

The funny thing about them bikers chahi... they don't use their brakes and they don't look around... ghoda jastai... so if you see a biker speeding then don't even worry... slow down and either let the biker crash into your vehicle or wait until he does a somersault over them railings or dividers!

You will see many ladies in them scooties... they drive crazy too .... and don't try to hit (side-haaning) on a lady who is driving a scootie because she is really focused on her driving... how to squeeze between them two Micros and get ahead rather than looking around and finding a guy with a mullet and and a mustache ogling at her!

So if them bikers try to over-take with you from both sides then don't blow up and start yelling.. it doesn't help and you will then drive mad and hit another biker feri.

You don't see much cows as in them 90s but you will still find them sometime and they are not like our pedestrians who freeze in the middle of the road but suddenly dart when a vehicle is 1.3 inches away kya and then you will have to face an angry mob who are more interested to burn your vehicle and bash you than taking the accident victim to the hospital.

Animals are fun... they will either stay put or run for their lives... humans are scary... tyehi nai ho lesson chahi!

And our Micro drivers never took them traffic lessons when it came to parking or stopping your vehicle hola... they will stop in the middle of the road ani tyo pani sideways blocking both them lanes... if you are a biker, you can drive around but don't try that if you are driving a car... and honking won't help either.

Let the Micro wallah show everyone his circus act and once them Khalasis get their passenger, they will then drive a few meters and show us the same trick. Either you overtake them or let them do their stuff.... they will never learn and most probably.. they just don't care hola....unless they see a traffic-wallah blowing them whistles!

So, here's the trick hai. Always carry a whistle with you and whenever you see them Micro-wallahs displaying their 'I don't give a @#$!' parking skills.. just roll your windows and start blowing them whistles. It's like them PSY 101 class ko lecture... tyo Pavlov's drooling dogs sogs theory kya!

No, I am not saying our Micro-wallahs are dogs but they are not scared of anyone and don't even care if there is an ambulance behind them ..... they are only conditioned to them 'whistles'... so instead of yelling, bitching or getting out of your vehicle and showing them your kung-fu skills... a whistle will do!

Driving in Kathmandu is not really that difficult.... most of the tyam, you will be driving at like 3-4 km/hour.... just make sure you are watching left and right (watch a 'live' tennis match to improve your skills!) and not hitting them bikers... and all is good!

And no 'Bollywood' songs or them 'electronic' stuff... tune into BBC and drive .... and if your co-pilot (or passenger) is bored then just ask him or her to count them bikes... or how many squeezed by when you were driving kya.

Mumbo Jumbo

Dr. Saheb might have saved us a few paisas by riding a Mustang, flying Economy Class and not doling out funds to his cadres. But it looks like his “cost saving” acts have neither impressed nor inspired any of our honest politicians.

Yes, politicians make compromises to stay in power but Dr. Saheb is slowly losing his credibility as he tries to please everybody. Now, he’s set to break the record for the largest Cabinet in Nepali history.

We will now have to provide our new full and half ministers with gas-guzzling vehicles, security, fuel and “mantri” bhattas. I don’t think we can afford to waste our taxpayers’ money on making our netas happy. To save money, fuel and less blazing sirens, why not hand out free rickshaws to our Ministers?

At least then they’ll be able to enjoy the pollution and traffic jams like the rest of us. And while stuck in traffic, they can strike conversations with the gnats and flies and act like they are listening to our concerns.

“Hello Sarkar” has been running in full steam since the past few days and they are already getting overwhelmed by citizens calling the hotline number 1111 to complain about everything. I think the PM’s Office should’ve asked one of our call centers to help them run it, but of course, our politicians and sarkari hakims have never been open to suggestions from the public.

If the “hotline” staffers are already worn out and on the verge of a nervous breakdown, then maybe it’s better to outsource the customer service department to the call center-wallahs. Maybe they can handle the load with much more efficiency than our civil servants and it might save us some money, too.

Dr. Saheb is in Male, Maldives, attending the SAARC Summit. In all these years, we haven’t seen any cooperation among its members. Maybe we should change it to the SHARK Summit since all the member countries seem to be governed by sharks, be it loan or land or those who believe that the national coffer is their personal goldmine.

If the bus driver overcharges us, we can call 1111 but whom do we call if we need to complain about our politicians? Maybe the President should start his own hotline thing and it would be better if CIAA is under the President’s supervision. He will also be busy rather than just receiving foreign envoys and attending religious functions as chief guest.

Comrade Chairman is in New York, trying to win friends and a few dollars to make his Lumbini dream project a success. I think our netas should take a crash course on time management and also for setting their priorities right.

What’s the need of the hour? No, it’s not controlling corruption, writing the Constitution or even providing basic necessities to the common citizens.

Right now, our politicians are more worried about getting the dough to pay off our comrade combatants. Comrade Chairman is worried about finding billions for his pet project and the PM’s office is the most worried since they have to get vehicles and what not for our new full and half ministers.

And every week, if we do the head count then we find out that a dozen of our CA members are around the world, attending conferences and what not. Our netas spend our taxpayers’ money on useless foreign visits, useless guff-suff and spend their time wrangling over useless issues.

It’s always been like that. Our politicians like to spend more (state funds) on useless things. I hear that intelligent people use less of their brain and so far we have really seen the level of intelligence of our netas and we all know where we’re headed with their circus acts.

If you want to travel around the world and get housing, vehicle and medical allowances, then it’s time you also got into Nepali politics. But of course, make sure you make all the right moves.

The trick is not to be in the majority. A political party with not enough members to play a full football game can get more ministerial berths and benefits.

And when you are a member of political party, then you can murder, abduct, extort and fulfill all the requirements to be a criminal and get away with it. Dr. Saheb is a smart and honest man but it’s now time to show that he’s also a man of morals.

Thousands of lives were lost and brutalities were committed by both sides but it’s about time our netas and civil servants and security personnel from both sides apologize to the families of the victims and ask for forgiveness instead of trying to cover their own arses and promote a culture of impunity.

We can’t move forward until we reconcile our differences, but our “intelligent” netas haven’t even started yet.

11.11.11

Today, I am writing about 11-11-11 as suggested by 'Zinxed' ....

If you follow them 'Mayan' calender then we have like a year to go before the world ends kyaaruh. And a friend of mine is celebrating today as if the world will end on Saturday nai hehe!

Last year, we had 10-10-10 and there were some cool parties around town and of course I didn't attend them hehe!

So now it's 11th of the 11th month of 2011! What are we celebrating today? I don't know.

The Microbus wallahs have hiked their fares ... thanks to the recent fuel price hike by our government. Now it cost us a Rupee more .... gaadi ma chadey ki 13 rupaiya rey!

Rajesh Hamal is not your daddy... so maybe we should celebrate Rajesh dai's visit to the Hanumandhoka police station. I don't understand how our Nepal Police works kya... if somebody files a complaint against you then you have to visit the police wallahs and give your safai rey or else you will be arrested rey. Khoi kun chai school paw-dya hoon yi police wallah haroo?

Anyways, a lady cop filed some kind of a complaint accusing Rajesh dai for being her children's daddy. We don't talk much about mental illnesses in Nepal but yes, if the lady is suffering from them mental stuff then she needs some help ni. She was on medication rey and then she quit and then began all this natak hola.

Or should we ask Rajesh dai to take them tests sests kya? And our Nepali court doesn't accept them DNA tests rey... yes, did you know that? Well, now you know ni.... and our police wallahs even ask them so-called Babas and Matas to solve them crimes ... hehe!

I think most of us are depressed now and then but some of us do like to stay in our rooms for days and just sleep hola. Tyesto bela ma chai, please visit a shrink. Get some counseling and even medications if it helps. Desh ko halat hare-daa tuh , our netas should be visiting them shrinks as well.... hagi!

I think most of our netas are narcissists ... they really do need some help! And Rajesh dai should either get married or come out of the closet or join an ashram hola or whatever so that he won't be accused of making babies kya!

Rajesh dai was supposed to get married to some 25 year old lady this year. I think he is waiting for 12-12-12 hola ni or maybe he should add his 'college' ko sweet heart, a Punjabi lady (Facebook ma!) and maybe organize a reunion here in Kathmandu. Maybe his college buddies can help him find the right one hola!

How come Rajesh dai didn't get to be the 'goodwill' ambassador thing for 'Lumbini Visit Year' nataks? Rajesh is our superstar... why are we asking them Desis and Dumpling celebrities to represent Nepal and not asking the king of Kollywood kya?

Okay, we were supposed to talk about 11-11-11 and not Rajesh dai ni..... abuh arko barsa chahi 12-12-12 hooncha, ani tyo din chahi manau-noo parla ni! Why? Well, after that you will never get to celebrate them eutai din, eutai mahina, euta year kya... unless you decide to invent a new calender or find the fountain of youth or become a vampire and live for another thousand years hola ni.

And who knows .. the world might finally end tyeti bela nai... so start loving your family, friends and even foes haroo! And of course do make sure that you are fully prepared for the 'big one' coming to Kathmandu on 7th June 2012 rey.

Yes, the fortune teller in front of the National Zoo (Jawlakhel) lay bhanya. So make sure you have them wai-wai, chuira etiyaadi..... ani tyo torch-light bhaako helmet tuh Khasa batuh 1-2 container nai magaunoo parla jasto cha!

We have the AD (the Angrezi calender), BS (Bikram Sambat), NS (Nepal Sambat) and maybe once we get this 'constitution writing' thing done, we can start at year 1 hola ki kaso?

Anyways, today @ 11:11am , let's all drink our coffee, tea, joos soos and celebrate hola and for our party-wallahs they can drink whatever they want at 11:11pm ni.