Emperor's Report Card

Our Emperor has resigned as our Prime Monster so that King Deuba can get back to Baluwatar in the coming weeks.  Long Live the Emperor! It would have been better if he had stuck around till the second phase of the local elections but I guess he is in a hurry to move out of Baluwatar and focus on playing ping pong back in Lazimpat. 

After all, you can make more deals on the side and get away with it rather than be under the radar of everyone while living in Baluwatar. 

It seems that we the people see success in a different light than our chor netas. Our Emperor tells us that his second stint as our Prime Monster has been very successful and we should nominate him for the Nobel Prize. 

Yes, thanks to our comrades, we the valley folks do not have to worry about load shedding anymore but we hear that the light bulbs deal the NEA wants to offer the public might benefit our King Deuba's brother in law more! 

And if our politicians were really worried about our national interest than they would have gotten their act together and invested our own country's money to develop a 10,000 MW hydropower project. If we had started such project when our Emperor was our Prime Monster the first time around then he could have taken all the credit for not only ending load shedding in the country but could have saved us a lots of money we pay to India to import electricity today.

We should also thank our Finance Minister for making quick bucks by allowing 10 new life insurance companies to begin operations. Now, the total number of life insurance companies stand at 19 and most of them either take a long time to pay out claims or find ways to not pay at all. 

Our Finance Minister must have made some chiya kharcha for this natak.  He leaves the government with at least enough dough to buy fifty cups of doodh chiya which he will share with his party, his Emperor and his family as well. For you and I, a cup of milk tea cost Rs 15, for politicians a cup is worth at least a Kaord. Now, you do the math!

Our Emperor has also tried all the tricks in his magic book to unfreeze the Rs 3 billion stuck in banks in the country. We all know that Sumargi, the so-called drinking partner, financial adviser and close friend of our Emperor has friends around the world. 

No wonder, he seems to get funds from tax havens around the world and nobody knows who is actually investing in our country. Or maybe , it's just our money, transferred to offshore accounts and then brought back to look like a legitimate foreign investment deal. At the end of the day, our politicians only care about how to make commissions from everything even if it drains our national coffer and has no benefit to the nation.

Our Emperor tells us that he has shown his opponents, especially the UML that he is a man of his words and is stepping down to honor the power sharing agreement with the Kangaroos. And our King Deuba is all praise for the same man he wanted to get rid of when he was the Prime Monster.

Our Emperor has shown us that he will make deals with anyone as long as it helps him or his daughter or his near ones. We are still waiting for the voting counting to end in Bharatpur municipality. Our first daughter is still hanging in tight and don't be surprised is some hanky panky goes on in Chitwan. 

UML is right when it wonders why on earth should we have a change in Baluwatar when the country is weeks away from the second phase of the local elections? But of course, our Emperor fires back and tells his opponent that he has broken the tradition of backstabbing in Nepali politics. Look who's talking?  

So what's next for the country? The UML will continue to obstruct the House because our incompetent government has decided to add more local units to satisfy their future coalition partners. And King Deuba will now have to make everyone happy or else we might not have the second phase and he also has to make sure that we have the provincial and parliamentary elections by January of next year. 

But of course King Deuba is now making a comeback and he will leave no stones unturned during his stint in Baluwatar to make as much dough as possible for his loved ones and also satisfy the hunger of our starving lawmakers. 

He will find a way to bring everyone on board either by offering cash, gift hampers, tax-free vehicles for all Consitpated Assembly members or whatever it takes to fulfill his self-interest. 

Deuba is lucky that he gets to be our Prime Monster again but we should consider ourselves fortunate that we now have the most open, competent and honest politician in the country back in Baluwatar. Long Live King Deuba!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Counting the Votes!

Let us all congratulate our Election Commission wallahs for successfully conducting the first phase of the local elections in the country.  But they failed miserably to educate the voters on how to exercise their right to choose the local representatives. 

And they got to spend more millions of dollars on voter education and most of us were confused and had to spend quite a time to figure out the ballot paper. Most of us had to stay in line for hours. Well, that is expected but then we were handed the ballot paper the size we had never seen before.  I guess the EC folks had no choice but had to fit in all the independent candidates. 

Maybe, we should have a new law that requires any independent candidate to at least gather hundred signatures from the local residents before they are allowed to file their candidacy to fight the ward and village level elections.  And if you are running for Mayor then at least 1,000 signatures should be the minimum requirement to stand up for election for that position. 

That would at least save the EC wallahs a lot of money if the ballot paper is more of a A4 size than big enough to cover a window.  And why on earth are folks who know that they will not even get a dozen votes running for Ward chairperson and Mayors? I guess they just have a little bit more money than the rest of us and want to spend it on their own few dozen karyakartas as we all need some chiya kharcha. 

Those who were voting for major political parties had it easy. Just stamp the swastika on the same line and get done with it. For some of us who wanted to vote for the most competent ones and crossed over the party line had a tough time figuring out where they were. 

And if you were voting for independent candidates only then it probably took you more than ten minutes figuring out where their election symbols stood.  

And the EC folks should be better prepared next time when the second phase of the local elections are done with because we don't want to wait a week or two to find out who won in our neighborhood. Please hire more personnel and at least try to finish the vote counting within 72 hours.

It's been nearly five days since I voted and it will probably take another few days before I find out who won in my ward.  The mayor race seems to be more interesting for folks living in the cities. The race for mayor in Lalitpur is tight whereas UML seems to be the one heading the Kathmandu Metropolitan City for the next five years. But you never know, they still have to count the votes in more than half the wards yet. 

But everyone seems to be interested in Bharatpur Municipality, especially the ones like us who don't even live there and the only time we are in Chitwan is when go to the Safari or on our way to other cities. Our Emperor's daughter stood up for election and our King Deuba did his thing by not allowing the candidate from his own party to stand up for election. But it seems that UML is likely to win there but we never know what happens at the end. Lots of money has been spent on the election there and there might be new deals along the way as well. 

Our Emperor knows a thing or two about making deals where it matters. After all, he did win from Siraha the last time around even though he lost heavily in Kirtipur. But it seems that most of the voters have rejected the alliances made by the top leaders of their parties. And it may be time for Deuba to retire from politics as well. Yes, please stop ruining this country with your own self-interest. 

Our Emperor will be moving out of Baluwatar next week and once again it's King Deuba's turn to rake in the moolah. This is the same man who decided not to hold the local elections last time he was the Prime Monster. And now, he will be the one in charge when we have the second phase of the local elections in this country. 

And we still have to get done with our provincial and national elections as well. Deuba will be minting money everywhere.  If there is any new deals to be made then do not contact him. 

Just contact his brother –in-law who now has the opportunity to make some more like he did when we had the so-called civil war in this land and some folks made tons of money by buying arms from foreign lands. But of course, we cannot blame King Deuba alone. 

After all, he is good at what he does. He is a politician and he has to do what's best for himself, his near and dear ones , his party, his cadres and his chamchas. The common folks can just drink doodh chiya at the loca chiya pasal, curse, vent, criticize all they want but at the end of the day, the chors run this country and they will do everything possible to take us down the drain.

In a few days, we will be welcoming our Mayors in the valley. They will have five years to fulfill their promises. I think our Mayors from Kathmandu, Bhaktapur and Lalitpur should have a monthly lunch meeting in Dhulikhel and work together to connect and make our valley clean, green and beautiful once again. 

And what our Bibeksheel and Sajha folks can learn from this election is that they should unite and start connecting with the locals so that come next election, we will have the new and young competent candidates running our municipalities rather than the same old party hags!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Time to Vote!

This Sunday, some of us will finally get the chance to vote in the local elections after two decades. What was our government thinking? Well, they did manage to run the local system without any elected representatives for twenty years but it also led to the so-called all party mechanism looting the funds.  

Our ward and village secretaries had no choice but to get along with the chor netas and distribute the funds for their pet projects while the people did not see much development in their region. 

Let's hope things will be a little better once we have our own local representatives heading the village, wards and municipalities. But of course, there will be sharing the loot amongst the netas as usual but at least we can hold them accountable and the elected representatives will have to worry about at least fulfilling some of their promises instead of just embezzling the funds.

Yes, those in the first phase of the local elections should feel lucky because we really don’t know if the second phase will really happen. But let's hope for the best and hopefully our brothers and sisters who have to wait for the second phase will get to vote for their candidates next month.

Our incompetent government should have at least arranged a drinking water station for most of us who stood in line for hours to get our Voter ID.  But of course, who really cares about the people? We are used to standing up in line for hours for everything. 

It would have been a lot easier if our Election Commission (EC) wallahs handed out laptops to their folks to check the voter list as well instead of flipping the pages and taking their time while everybody in line kept wondering why it was taking so long. But everything seems to have turned out well and we are all ready to cast our votes for our favorite candidates.

And our EC folks were busy driving around the valley in their new vehicles gifted by our friends from India. And we may have had the 'no horn' rule in place but I guess nobody thinks that loud music from speakers is also noise pollution as well. Our political parties were busy with their nataks. Yes, spend the money on flags, pamphlets and hire taxis to disturb the neighborhood with loud music.

Our politicians were busy with the Ghar-Dailo programs. Yes, we don't know them until they show up at our homes, asking for votes. This is the only time you get to meet your politicians. They shake your hands and smile and promise you everything. And we should also smile back and promise to vote for them as well. 

Yes, promise all the candidates your vote and you don't have to feel bad about it because all the chors will not carry out their promises either.

It seems that most of us who live in the cities do not have to worry about violence but folks in our villages are getting threatened and even killed during election campaigns. 

I think we should remind our politicians and their cadres that they are not going to war and killing your opponent or cadres from other political parties will not help to win them votes at all. We hear about bombs going off in rural areas. I guess, some of our netas in the villages seem to think that this is war and you need to get rid of your rivals to become the new King in the village. 

It seems that in many neighborhoods in the valley, the same old folks who had become ward chairperson twenty years ago are still in the game. It seems that our major political parties are not interested to field new and young candidates. Well, we have a young woman who wants to be the Mayor of Kathmandu. Let us wish her well but without money and muscles, it is pretty difficult to win any elections in this land. We really don't expect any major upsets in the local elections.

Some of us are in a dilemma as we really want to vote with our conscience and vote for the best candidate who will do good for the neighborhood and our municipality. But we also know that our best candidate might not get enough votes to win. The local chiya pasal is now the main news center for the local elections. 

We hear about a candidate standing up for election while his own nephew is also standing up as an independent candidate just to make sure that he gets a dozen less votes. We hear about byaparis who had paid tons of money to the so-called top leaders of their party so that they can be the party's candidate for mayors and even ward chairpersons. 

A local drunk has even filed his candidacy for ward chairperson in my neighborhood. Some of the folks will vote for him because they think that the candidates fielded by the major political parties are all crooks. Well, the drunk will not win but it would be better if we all helped him to get admitted to a rehab center after the election.

I am not voting for any independent candidates this election. I like them and think they can do better than the rest of the chors but a few thousand votes for mayor and a few hundred votes in the ward election will not help them win anything.  

Like most of the folks who are voting this Sunday, I too will cast my votes for the candidates who will at least help to maintain our roads and street lights and make our neighborhood green and beautiful. We do not expect much for our ward representatives but just get the funds to make our toles livable and make sure that they provide the basic services that we citizens are entitled to without having to pay chiya kharcha. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Evil Partnerships!

First of all, let us congratulate our Meowist and Morons for filing the impeachment motion against our first women Chief Justice. She had only a month to go but I guess King Deuba and our Emperor were just too scared of her and cooked up a master plan to make sure that their decisions were not overturned by the Supreme Court. President Trump must be jealous!

We are pretty certain that we will have the first phase of our local elections. It seems that we are now witnessing the most hawatari partnerships in Nepali politics. The same man who put a price on then rebel's chief head is now buddies. Their bromance is going strong as usual.

If it wasn't for Deuba, we would not have the IGP controversy at all. Our Emperor kept quiet while the Home Minister threatened to resign, did resign a while ago and then took back his resignation as well. Let us all feel sorry for DIG Silwal. The man has gone underground. 

I guess our politicians just wanted to teach him a lesson. Don't mess with the government. We have all the dirty tricks to blackmail you, harass and abduct you and make sure that your life is in danger if you take on the government not once but twice. If a serving DIG is not safe in this land then you can forget about your safety as well.

And now King Deuba has shown us all how low he can stoop by using his charm to cast magic spells so that our country will soon be a police state by 2020. Our politicians interfere in everything. 

We have seen how our police wallahs are used by our politicians as their private security guards and domestic helps. We have seen how they interfere in promotions of our civil servants and now we have seen the attack against the judiciary. In a few years, our politicians will find a way to control the army and then it's all downhill from there.

Yes, it's a good thing that our Nepal Army has been granted the project to build the 76km Kathmandu-Nijgadh expressway. But we all know that our politicians will now find a way to make sure that our Army wallahs fudge the budget and keep aside some moolah for our politicians as well.

The government has also allowed the Army to get their hand in hydropower projects as well. What' s next? Let them open their own media house, invest in banks, bakeries and even goat farming as well. And then, our Army will be like the ones in Egypt and Pakistan where they are heavily invested in industries and their income makes them stronger to run the show in their lands.

We never really talk about corruption in the Nepal Army. Everybody talks about it. We know how our Jar-Saabs make the moolah but nobody really wants to take action against them. Dear Generals, half of our soldiers are sleeping in bunkers. Please take café of them as well.

We all know our police wallahs are corrupt. Well, not all of them because most of them won't get lucrative postings but if you are a high-ranking police wallah then you don't have to really boast about how you climbed the ladder only on your own merit and hardwork. 

Even our SSP Ramesh Kharel knows that and has made us aware that one needs to get a suitcase full of cash and make rounds visiting the homes of influential loafers to get promotion or lucrative postings. In a year, the race for the next IGP begins and we all know that Kharel and Khanal will have do the running around.

The Supreme Court has sentenced our three former IGPs to jail but we all know that it was not only them who made a few Rupees. What happened to those in power then especially our Home Minister Sitauala and our Queen Sujata Auntie? We all know how much her son-in-law made from our land with his deals here and there.

It seems that the media knows all the deals and we the people do get to hear about it as well. But our politicians work together to make sure that they do not attack each other when it comes to making the moolah. 

Well, some of our former mantris have been to jail as well, especially our Congressi wallahs but spend a few years in prison, pay a fine of a few Karods and then live happily ever after since you made more than a hundred Karods during your time as a mantri. Life is good for our netas!

As local elections heat up, our Morons have partnered with the Meowist while in another shocking turn of events, our United Mundrey leaders are now friends with the folks who want to make us a 'Kingdom' again.  So if somehow we do get the House of Shah back to the throne then expect someone from the UML to become our Prime Monster for at least a few months till the King takes controls of everything.

Well, that is not likely anytime soon but how one earth do you decide to partner with someone at the far end of the scale who holds completely opposite views regarding the politics and the governance of the country and even the constitution?

We don't know but our politicians are a smart lot. Our first daughter is running for Mayor and King Deuba wants to make it easy for her by withdrawing the name of his own party member and asking his cadres to support our Emperor's daughter. Now, Ivanka Trump must be jealous!

I think it's about time we formed a new political party and gather all our comedians and ask them to stand up for elections. We are sure Dhurmus-Suntali, Maha Jodi and the former Tito-Satya gang could win against our corrupt politicians.

I think we should have a new party and just call it the 'Gai Jatra' party. Even Manoj Gajurel would make a good politician. After all, what do you really need to be a political player in this country? You really don't need a vision. You don't need to have any master plan to develop this country. 

Well, Dr. Saheb has a plan to make us all earn at least US$15,000 in the next decade or two. Maybe, we will find oil or uranium in our mountains and then we can export it to Amrika and North Korea. But all you need is to have the skills to make a funny speech and attack your opponents using jokes, proverbs and what not. If our real comedians really became politicians then Oli will have to leave town because his jokes would sound lame.

Let us all pray that things will go well in the first phase of the local elections. Our political parties will come together and allow the government to conduct the second phase as well. And then they can fight over the budget. And we should all prepare for the state and general elections in the coming months. Let us visit our comedians today and convince them to represent us in the provincial and national scenes.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com