United States of Nepal

Our corrupt and incompetent government tells us that we are a 'New Nepal' where Kings don't rule anymore. Yes, that’s true. Gyanu Uncle is no longer getting 60 karods from the state but he still gets a few dozen security folks. But we now have to deal with hundreds of mini-Maharajas and thousands of their courtiers. 

Where did we go wrong? Our political parties take the credit for ending the rule of House of Shah but it was us the people, who took to the streets to tell Gyanu Uncle that he had to move on. 

We have no choice but to believe in our political parties and hope that one day they will change for good and work together to build a peaceful and prosperous Nepal. 

But so far, our buffoons have been busy dividing us over ethnicity and provinces and what not. And yes, our clowns and those in power have been prosperous and continue to enjoy full security that would even shame the President of the United States! 

Our civil servants are the same. They have not even changed a bit since we became a Republic. Instead, our clowns, civil servants, contractors and con artists are busy ripping off the public. Our security forces are still corrupt and are paid from our tax money to boot and shoot the people while protecting the politicians from the common folks!

We do not want a totalitarian regime again but it looks like our politicians will do their best to make sure that we, the people get the least amount of opportunities, resources and basic services from the state. But those  in power, those who are out of power and those who have been to jail for corruption continue to receive vehicles, security and chiya kharcha and even hard cold cash from the state. 

We have been fooled again and again by our politicians and unless we take to the streets again to kick out the mini-maharajas as well, not much will change in this beautiful land of ours. 

Is it the air we breathe or the dhulo mulo or the water we drink that makes our thulo mancheys corrupt and we the people happily pay them chiya kharcha to get our job done?  

This country has been a mess since Prithivi Narayan Shah began his 'united states of Nepal' mission. He did a fine job then but after that it was all downhill for this country and so far we have yet to climb up ever since. 

And let us thank our politicians for working day and night to take us back to the pre-unification days. I think our historians should take out the old rusty books from somewhere in the country and help our politicians and civil servants figure out how we can have like 50 states in the country again.

Yes, let us be the 'United States of Nepal'. Then we can also tell the rest of the world that we come from the US. Let us change the color of our passport from green to blue so that when we, the people who have ordinary passports stand in line in front of the immigration officers in foreign lands, we will get the same respect as the Amrikans. 

Let us even get rid of the so-called 'Westminster' system of parliamentary government and go with the 'Amriki Presidential' natak. 

It is only then possible for 'Dhurmus' to lead us all out of this mess and make this country great! If we continue to stick to the current natak, we will just have a bunch of political parties sharing the power and the loot!

Let us have only two political parties instead of hundreds. All the communists should unite and be a single party. But please change the name. We all know that our communists are not real communists like the ones they claim to be. 

They are all fake like the Marlboros and Amriki dollars made in North Korea! And our Congressis and other political parties are not social democrats like they claim to be. They are all chors and they lack morals, integrity and character and are driven by their self-interests. 

We started the year with the blockade and we will end it with our own mini-blockade in the capital where most of our roads have been dug up. Somebody needs to tell our government that it is better to finish one road at a time instead of making it look like we are preparing for trench warfare with an invisible enemy. 

Maybe Baidya Ba can ask his cadres to get as much practice as possible in the dug up roads in the valley to prepare them for their great dream to invade India.

We had comedian Oli as our Prime Monster in the beginning of the year and we will end it with our Emperor once again living in Baluwatar and doing nothing. Time Magazine has its 'Person of the Year' natak where a person, group or even an object gets to be on the cover. 

Trump is that person man this year because for the first time in Amriki history, a man without any political or military experience has been elected the President of the United States. 

I think we should have our own 'Person of the Year' thing in Nepal. Yes, Ghising should be honored for his role in ending load shedding in the valley and Dr KC is a warrior fighting the medical mafia and the crooked politicians but Nepal's Person of the Year is our own Dhurmus and Suntali. They have shown us that it is possible that even without the help from the government, it is possible to rebuild the homes, lives and dreams of the people. Long Live Dhurmus and Suntali! 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

For the People!

Our former King Gyanu Uncle tells us that our national unity is under attack and he is worried about all of us. The question is that were we really united before that now we do not get along that well?  

Our leaders from the days of the Shahs to the present day Sharks have never made any effort to unite us all. They want to rule by force and fear instead of asking for forgiveness for their sins and helping the people to accept their differences and celebrate our diversity, their only intent is to grab power, loot the state and the people and live like Kings.

It seems that our so-called thulo mancheys only worry about the country and us citizens when they are no longer in power.  If Gyanu Uncle had thought about the country then he would not have invited mandaleys and con artists to be a part of his rule then. 

If Gyanu Uncle had thought about the people then he would have brought all the political parties together and let them sort out the problems in the country instead of trying to be a Superman. Even superheroes need to make deals and in this country and if we do not make deals with the Desis, our thulo mancheys will not get to rule over us. 

And our thulo mancheys only think about the people after visiting foreign lands especially our chimekis. Gyanu Uncle was in India and China recently and he must have met with real experts who finally made him aware that our politicians are only running after vote banks instead of actually helping the country with their province nataks. Our Madhesi parties only want the Madhes for themselves while most of us want each and every province to touch the hills and the plains.

Our politicians seem to be more worried about Gyanu Uncle rather than trying to figure out a way to resolve the political crisis in the country. Our Home Minister threatens to open the case of the Royal Massacre and find ways to blame Gyanu Uncle. Yes, we will never know what really happened that day but we can only move forward and build a better nation instead of only talking about the past or blaming foreign forces for all the mess in this country.

Our Emperor tells us that we should not take what Gyanu Uncle is saying lightly. I think someone should remind him that not many years ago, he wanted to make a deal with the former King and share the power and the loot as well. 

Our Doctor Saheb goes a step further and tells us that Gyanu Uncle's statement is a crime against the state. No, it's not! Is Gyanu Uncle advocating the overthrow of the government, is he planning a rebellion or selling this country to the highest bidder? Nope. Gyanu Uncle is not a politician. He is just another citizen like you and me. Just because he wants to tell us what he thinks doesn't mean that the man has to be tried for treason?

Why are our politicians worried about what he has to say when they are not worried about what millions of us think about them? How can one man who no longer has the support of the military and the majority of the people scare our corrupt clowns? 

We all know that monarchy will not be back anytime soon. We can't predict the future but we have no one to blame but our politicians who screw it up and allow the opportunity for the folks on the right to be at the center stage. If our politicians keep on bickering over petty issues then  our right-wingers will get the opportunity to play their card and might even get to be on the front seat again.

Gyanu Uncle should take some tips from the former Royals across the border. Why not open a political party and be a Chief Minister of one of our province someday instead of still hoping for a comeback to sit on the throne?

Who knows, his new party might win enough seats in the next general election to be a member of the ruling coalition and even become our Prime Monster one day?  We never know how our politics think and how they act and react to the situations in front of them. 

Our politicians tell us one thing and then do completely the opposite. I guess, when our politicians tell us that they will work together to resolve the political deadlock then it actually means that they will do everything in their power not to solve the problems of the land but further create more problems. 

So, when a politician says 'Yes'  it means a 'No'. No wonder, our politicians promise to eradicate poverty, end corruption and practice good governance. In reality what that means is that they will loot us all and make us more poorer, promote corruption to the max and make as much moolah as possible while in power and they have no respect for the rule of law at all. 

Instead of being open, transparent and accountable, our government and those in power get away with everything while the common folks get nothing. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

1 Katha + 3 Tola = Billions?

Let us all congratulate our incompetent government for finally making public the property details of our ruling clowns. If our clowns followed the law then they should have submitted their property details within two months of sitting on those 'money making' kurchis. 

But who cares about the laws of the land anyway? Our lawmakers are happy to be lawbreakers and it is with great pride that they break the laws routinely and defy the Supreme Court and even get to continue to loot with impunity. 

Our bunch of thieves must have been busy calculating their net worth or they were trying to figure out what to add and what to omit from the list before submitting it.  And it took them four months to let us know how many tola of gold, silver and other stuff they have while it would take us common folks, a few hours to come up with the list of our personal assets. 

We thought that our Emperor was worth billions with his investment in property, cooking gas media, telecom and what not. But we were wrong. If we are to believe him, then the man has nothing while his spouse has only 1 Katha of land and 3 tola of gold. Only late Sushil Da was worth less because he had only three mobile phones to his name.  

Our Emperor is right when he tells us that he has nothing. His investments are in the name of his cousins, relatives and friends. And it's surprising that our Prime Monster doesn't seem to have any cash at all. Maybe he just spends all his salaries and chiya kharcha provided by the state and has zero balance in the bank. Somebody needs to teach this man how to save for the future!

Our politicians live like Kings but to finance such lifestyle they must make at least a few lakhs Rupees every month. If they only depend on salaries from the State then how can they continue to live the high life? Do they have byapari friends who pay their house rent and provide them with expensive bidhesi whiskeys every other day?

Our Deputy Prime Monster and Home Minister Bimalendra Nidhi is a rich man. Nidhi is the man who wants to transfer police wallahs not because they don't do their job right but because they do the right thing and not listen to the Home Minister's orders to release his criminal cadres or look the other way when it comes to criminal activities around the country.

He claims to have bought two ropani of land in Bhaktapur with his salaries and allowances. Maybe he can teach us all how to be a saver and not a spender. Yes, we should all learn from our politicians when it comes to saving as much as possible and making sure we have enough funds for retirement. 

But the only difference is that our politicians make millions of Rupees in chiya kharcha from our civil servants, contractors and con artists while we the people have to do with whatever we earn in a month and on top of that have to worry about how to pay our kids' school fees, how to manage our budget during medical emergencies and where to look for loans to enjoy the festivals.

Nidhi also has 19 bigha of land in Dhanusha district. But like most politicians in the country, most of his property is in the name of his wife. It seems that most of our clowns do not own any property at all. But they seem to love their wives and everything is in the name of the spouse. 

It's a good thing and we hope the wives of our politicians will one day see the light and donate most of their property to charity or sell it off and help our kids and women in rural areas of the country who lack access to good education and health care instead of only sending their kids to foreign universities and buying apartments in New York.

Our other Deputy Prime Minister and Finance Minister Krishna Bahadur Mahara is a poor man. It's hard to believe that as a Finance Minister, he makes no dough at all. 

We all know that most of our big byaparis in this land evade taxes, submit fake VAT bills and pay off our netas and hakim sahebs Karods of Rupees so that they can get away with Karods themselves. Mahara has only 80 grand in the bank. I guess the other boras of cash are in a water tank somewhere!

And we should not blame our politicians for being corrupt. After all, they need to take good care of their families, need to take care of their cadres and also raise funds for their party as well. So they are in a pressure to perform for their party, cadres and cousins while forgetting the country and its citizens!

Our Health Minister Gagan Thapa tells us that he has shares in more than forty companies in the names of his family members. I think Gagan should teach us how to invest in the stock market and make a reasonable profit. How does he keep track of his stock portfolio? 

We all know that our netas do not disclose all they have. If they really told us the truth then our Emperor could be in the Forbes List of Billionaires. It's not only our politicians who seem to live in mansions, ride around in luxury vehicles and enjoy the good life. 

Our hakim sahebs also seem to be able to afford mansions in the valley with their salaries alone.  If you really want to make it big in this country then either you memorize everything in front of you and get selected for government service or take a course in advanced public speaking and get involved in politics.

If you take the civil service route, you will have to not work hard but be smart to navigate the rough waters where you will need to come up with ideas of how to extort from the service seekers, share it with your hakim and get promoted faster than your colleagues or even your seniors. 

If you take the political route then it's risky but worth the starvation and frustration in the early years. If your political party gets into power and you are lucky to be a mantri then it's time to cash in.

We the people don't get any respect because we only dream of making our lives better. Our clowns get all the respect from bidhesis because they dream of making their lives better while the country loses everything.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

How to end the deadlock?

Our Madame Speaker has been meeting our so-called top leaders of major political parties to resolve the political crisis in the country. I think it would better if the Speaker just stayed at her residence and did a group Skype with our old fogies and save us a few liters of petrol. 

Instead of meeting with our crooks, she should just go on live TV, show a big stick and maybe a few carrots as well and tell our stupid netas to get their act right. Well, it is the job of our Madame President to tell our so-called top leaders to show political courage and compromise to take this country forward. But our President is busy cutting ribbons here and there and that's about it.

We all know that our politicians are crooks and instead of thinking about the long-term future of this land, they are only interested in short-term personal gain that will help them enrich themselves but make this country and its citizens poorer by the day.

Yes, this beautiful land of ours is always in turmoil when it comes to the political nataks. It seems that our ruling clowns and the opposition wallahs cannot find common ground to end the political deadlock.  

The usual natak of not agreeing to anything except when it comes to looting the funds meant for the people continues till this day and will continue even when our ruling clowns become the opposition and the other parties run the government. 

Oli and his crew tell us that the amendment bill brought forward by our incompetent government is anti-national. Well, it seems that all of our politicians are anti-national because instead of resolving the political crisis, they seemed to be engaged in petty issues and have personal conflict among themselves. It's about time, our politicians let go of their big egos and just get done with resolving the political deadlock. 

Our opposition wallahs tell us that they will keep on disrupting the House until the amendment bill is withdrawn. Our incompetent government tell us that everything will be fine even though it does not command a two-third majority votes to pass the bill. Instead, we are told to prepare for the local polls soon.

Dr KC just recently ended his hunger strike but we all know that our government will not carry out the reforms demanded by the 'crazy' doctor. Who wants to bring an end to the kickbacks you can get from allowing byaparis to open new medical colleges all over the place? Who wants to stop appointing their own chamchas to head government institutions so that they can embezzle millions of Rupees and share it with our netas?

We have not had local elections for the past two decades and we have no one to blame but the man who will live in Baluwatar after our Emperor is done with his nataks. Our major political parties promised us that we would have local elections after they delivered the constitution. 

Well, we have a constitution but it seems that half of the country does not accept it and we still can't get it right when it comes to how many provinces we need. Oli even told us that we would have our mayors and ward chairperson soon after he became our Prime Monster.

It seems that the people want local representatives in our wards and municipalities but our political parties are the ones who would rather not have local elections so that the all-party mechanism can continue to loot our funds.

So how do we agree on the number of provinces and its boundaries? How do we bring our opposition wallahs on board and bring an end to the political deadlock in this nation? Who holds the magic key? Maybe, we should ask Ram Dev to come and live in the House for a month. 

Begin the day with his stomach-wave routine and breathing exercises and make it mandatory for all of our lawmakers to attend the morning yoga session. Then Ram Dev can ask our clowns to stand up and tell us all on live TV what is bothering them. 

After listening to their grievances and frustration, then Ram Dev will pass on the judgment and our clowns will have to happily accept it and then we can move forward and live happily ever after.

Why Ram Dev? Why can't our politicians listen to our experts, civil society and the public when deciding what is right for our country? We need people like Ram Dev because our politicians only listen to the foreigners. They give them VIPP treatment and our politicians, even our President rush to meet the bidhesis as if they are our saviours. 

If Ram Dev is not acceptable then we can send our netas to Trump Tower in New York City and arrange a meeting with the President-elect of the United States. 

Maybe Trump can come up with a solution because he seems to have an answer to all of Amrika's problems and wants to make his country great again. We have never been great but we can try to be great for once and Trump may just have to use Google first to find us and then give us his opinion.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

The People vs the Parasites!

It seems that we the people have different priorities like how to manage our household budget, how to find better and affordable schools for our kids without having to take a loan from the bank or if you live in the valley then how to handle the 'no load-shedding' thing! 

But our parasites are in a different zone. They do not have to worry about paying their bills because they get to enjoy the 'no work, but yes pay' natak from the state.

We, the people really don't care if we have provinces or not. We have been doing fine since the 17th century when the House of Shah united this country and we will keep on moving forward, taking care of our families by working hard either here at home or abroad even after the House of Fools break up this country and we longer exist as a state.

It is only our politicians who want provinces so that they can continue to misuse the authority and the resources provided by the government. Instead of a few hundred lawmakers enjoying the loot, we will have thousands. 

But what about the millions of us, who have no choice but to go abroad to make a decent living while the chors live a good life by gobbling up the resources and opportunities meant for the people?

What was wrong with the five development regions from the days of the Pancheys? We  see nothing wrong with former Pancheys enjoying state perks and political powers today?  Then why do our politicians think that anything associated with the 'old' is wrong? 

Yes, we are not the same old Nepal anymore. We are 'new' where nothing has changed at all because the hakim sahebs and our netas continue to steal from all of us while we seem to be helpless to do anything to stop the evil doers from ruining this beautiful land! 

If our politicians were really smart then they would not have brought this mess of trying to divide this country into provinces. I think somebody should buy world maps and gift it to all of our Constipated Assembly (CA) members! I guess our lawbreakers need to take some lessons from our Geography Department at TU! 

Yes, Amrika has 50 states. The Desis have 29 states.  and we had 14 states earlier but now our politicians think we will do go with seven. But the people would do great with none.

Our politicians could do us all a favor and just work on the five development region natak from the past and just make Kathmandu Valley, a federal district like the Amrikans do with DC! We all know it will take our politicians at least another twenty years to build a new capital city. 

Just follow the 'Melamchi' model. And the possibility of having a second, third or even fourth international airport in the country has the same odds as our country generating 10,000 MW in the next ten years. 

Yes, it is possible but our politicians and civil servants make it impossible because they have nothing to gain if the country and its people prosper. We, the people are true patriots because we love this land and we want to live with each other in peace. We do not put our political glasses when we look at each other. 

We do not see our chimeki as our enemy, well, only if he encroaches on our land. But look at our politicians, the real traitors who do nothing to help the people but only make time for con artists to cook up new schemes to loot the state. It's sad that our clowns and civil servants  have no idea how to make our chimekis happy and reap the benefits of being right in the middle of the two emerging giants.

Yes, our politicians blame India for trying to take over Tarai from us. Well, how long can our clowns keep on fooling us with the same anti-Indian nataks. We heard it well during the Panchey days. We still hear it today. We are still angry with India. 

Well, yes, the blockade thing was nasty and some of us are even mad today because Modi bhai decided to surprise us all with his ban on old 500 and 1,000 ICs. Well, that's his business but why on earth did our Nepal Rastra Bank tell us that it was okay to accept them notes more than a year ago when it was not okay to even bring them in the country before that?  

It seems that banda season has already started early this year. Our folks are not happy that our clowns want to split some of our hills from the Tarai. Our Prime Monster is not happy that the United Mundrey Leaders are not happy with his proposal to do so. 

I think our Emperor should just quit politics and become a film director instead. He directs the Education and Health ministers to address the demands of Dr KC after nearly three weeks since the doctor began his hunger strike. 

He seems to be directing here, there and everywhere. He is a good actor as well and we have seen him dance with one of our Kollywood star as well. What's next for our great magician? We don’t know. 

We will just have to wait for him to leave Baluwatar and welcome 'Pajero' Deuba back who will resolve the political crisis in the country by offering nothing to the people but everything to the parasites. 

Let us all ask for forgiveness from our ancestors for continuing to accept and tolerate the nataks from these chors! Let us pray for DR KC and send a message to our government that if they continue to ignore the people, then who will douse the fire once it starts to burn all over the country because your cadres will take to the streets when you tell them to but when we take to the streets then you better start running!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com