Oli's Gift Hampers

Our comedian is back in town after his all-India tour. Our man tells us that his six-day vacation was very successful as it helped to clear misunderstanding between the two countries. Dear Prime Monster, please stop lying and just be honest with all of us. We all know that nothing came out of the so-called state visit. Modi really didn't give us any gift hampers. 

Oli should have used his tricks to flatter Modi and asked for more. He should have learned a thing or two from Prachanda when it comes to how to act in front of the Desi headmaster. Run up to the Desi PM like a kid excited to receive a prize and then hug him tightly like you will never let go. 

That would have not only scared Modi but he would have to top that by at least carrying Oli all the way to his office. But of course, not even one person from our Foreign Ministry seemed to have briefed Oli on how to walk the red carpet when receiving the guard of honor. 

He seemed puzzled on how to proceed. Maybe, if he had performed a Bhangra as he inspected the soldiers in formation then that could have won the hearts and minds of the Desis folks. 

But I guess our comedian can only crack jokes here at home and make us laugh. He should have taken along a translator who speaks fluent Hindi instead of trying to convince Modi with broken Hindi that most of our politicians seem to know. 

Oli should have memorized some Hindi jokes. Just using YouTube to check on some of Kapil's monologues would have done wonders to mend the strained relationship between the two countries.

Oli tells us that he and his entourage were treated well by the Desis and to him that means that people to people relationship between the two countries has improved overnight. But the BSF wallahs across the border continue to harass our people when they return home from India. 

Many are asked to fork out chiya kharcha during festive seasons or get thrashed, verbally abused and then their stuff confiscated. This happens all the time and so far our government officials have yet to resolve such problems. Our government is not worried about the moving pillars at our borders either.

Oli visited Bhuj and probably had some bhujiya and chai. We don't know what he really learned from his visit to Gujarat apart from learning the Dandiyai-dance they do over there. 

We all know that our incompetent government will take its time and reconstruction efforts in this land will be slow and filled with corruption. We will all know that the country is finally back on its track the day we will see a new Dharahara standing tall again. And that day may not come soon but will probably take a decade or two. 

How do I know? Well, the so-called 'Republic Tower' is awaiting construction and we have been a Republic since 2008.  We have been waiting to take a shower with water from Melamchi for the past two decades.  Everything seems to move in slow motion in this land of ours except when it comes to changing the government. 

It seems that our politicians only know how to pull each other's leg to sit on the Kurchi. But I guess they fail to understand that if this how they run the country, in a decade or two, there will not be any kurchi to sit on. Then they can all sit on the ground and wait for fuel and cooking gas like the rest of us.

Oli signed seven agreements with India. The only good thing was an agreement to establish Nepal Academy of Music and Drama. Let us hope our politicians will then use their source force to send their own cadres to head such organization and make it a playing field for lazy bums instead of qualified candidates who really can contribute to the development of arts in this land. 

We had signed agreements to strengthen our road infrastructure in the plains. What we need is an underground tunnel from India all the way to Kathmandu so that a bunch of folks can have a picnic in no man's land all day and night while goods from India will flow without obstruction through the underground tunnel. 

The 400 KV India-Nepal transmission line is now working and they tell us that we will have at least two hours less load shedding from next week. If Oli was good at kissing arse then we would have received another 200 MW and that to for free if Modi really wanted to wish Oli Happy Birthday!

Oli actually came back home empty-handed. Let us not blame him for not getting any goodies from the Desis. Oli wants to go to China soon before he moves back to Balkot from Baluwatar. 

He should start practicing how to use the chopsticks and even learn a few words of Mandarian to impress the Chinese. Maybe learn a Chinese song or two. That could really impress President Xi but somebody needs to remind Oli before he goes to Beijing that  he should not confuse Xi with Roman numerals 'XI' and call him  'Eleven' .

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Oli Goes to India

Our greatest stand-up comedian of all time, Mr. KP Oli who also happens to be our Prime Monster is now in Delhi. Oli promised us that he would not visit India until the border blockade was lifted. Well, Birgunj is open now but it seems that there is more shortage of cooking gas and fuel than before.

Thanks to Nepal Police for being aggressive against black marketers. Now, fuel and cooking gas will not end up in our houses even after paying three times more but it will end up in police stations and District Administration Offices. And we don't know where it goes from there. 

Maybe, you should contact the nearest police chowki if they have any petrol left so that you can buy a few liters for your bike. Maybe, we should just ask our Madhesi netas to go back and shut down Birgunj because it seems that our government agencies don't want to ease the supplies of essential items because they still want to make more money in the black market.

Like all former Prime Monsters who have visited India earlier, Oli too will just eat chai and samosas and waste millions of Rupees in our taxpayer's money on the so-called state visit. 

We all know that our government will tell us that the visit was highly successful later on but it will probably amount to nothing. Our PM and his entourage will just be happy that they got to enjoy the trip and spend some time away from the country.

Oli is taking more than 46 freeloaders to India. And if you add our byaparies and other diplomats, the number will hit 100. They will mostly hang out in hotels, eat those free meals and visit places like tourists.

We are also waiting for our PM to visit Birgunj! It seems that our Pahadi politicians don't have the courage to visit our plains. They have to be scared in their own country but claim that they will be on equal footing with the Desis and work out deals which will lead to a win-win situation for both our countries. But when it comes to India, the Desis are smart and they always win except in football of course.

Our lads have shown us that hard work and team spirit are needed to claim victory against one's opponent. When will our politicians learn from our young footballers? Our politicians are lazy bums who only unite when it comes to looting the state funds but agree to disagree on everything on everything else.

Our politicians know very well that unless they kiss some Desi arses, their political career will go nowhere. They need to be in the good books of the Desi Ambassador in town or else their kids won't get government scholarships in India. They will not get funds for their election campaigns. They will get nothing. It seems that the Desi Ambassador is the man and if our politicians don't bow down to him, they will lose their kurchi sooner or later.

Our civil servants never do their homework. They go to India and meet high-level officials there but they come home empty-handed. The Indian civil servants will have stayed up all night for weeks before meeting their Nepali counterparts. 

The Desis will use all the tricks they know to get a better deal for their country while our civil servants will just beg them to provide scholarships to their kids but will keep quiet even if Nepal gets a bad deal out of everything.

Oli is visiting Gujarat to learn about post-earthquake reconstruction work. It's been almost ten months since we got hit by a Big One but our incompetent government has yet to carry out any reconstruction works in the country. Oli thinks he has shown us the way by telling us that he will contribute one month's salary for the reconstruction of our Dharahara. 

What is sixty thousand Rupees when you are making millions of Rupees in shady deals each day? He has requested us to contribute as well. We all know that the money will not go to build Dharahara or even it's built, it will be just another half-baked job instead of building one to stand a 8.0 or more.

First , KMC should pay compensation to the families who lost their loves ones when the Dharahara crashed during the Big One. The private company who ran the show also should be held liable and the government should seek compensation from them as well. 

But this is the land where so-called martyrs get a million Rupees for throwing stones and vandalizing public property and then getting shot by the police whereas our athletes who did us proud in the recent SAG get a few lakh Rupees. 

Maybe, we should just start a Citizen Sports Fund where we can all contribute and award more prize money for our winners. A lakh Rupees won't even get you a bike. Five lakhs will get you a bike, a laptop, a smart phone and not much. Our footballers should get at least Rs 50 lakhs each so that they can at least buy a six annas of land in the outskirts of the valley and be able to afford to build a three to four room home.

But of course, our government doesn't care. Ganesh Thapa made more than 50 karods and he is enjoying the good life. Nepali football went downhill under Thapa's looting spree and we won nothing. Now, he is out but still has 50 Kaords but still our young lads have shown us that if they are united and work as a team, anything is possible.

Oli will also be visiting Mumbai. Instead of hanging out with Desi byaparis there, he should host a one night comedy show where he can invite all of Bollywood stars and raise some funds for Dharahara. Let us hope that Oli will enjoy his India visit and he should visit as many countries as possible because in a few months, his time will be up and we will have another clown in Baluwatar enjoying the loot.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Farewell SuKo!

Sushil Da aka SuKo, the last of the Mohicans who got to at least see the Shree Tins enjoying the good life has left the building. Let us hope that SuKo is in heaven. He was probably one of the few politicians in our land who really had nothing, did something even though it brought us nothing and has now left with nothing as well. 

I guess after our great Krishna Prasad Bhattarai, he is the only one who has left us with three things. Two working mobile phones and one still to be repaired. 

Krishna Bajey left us with three things too. One umbrella, one suitcase and one Lota! We have been waiting for the past two and more decades for water from Melamchi. And don't be surprised if we have to wait for the same amount of time to get our constitution right as well.

Most of the politicians who are still around do not really know how the Shree Tins lived the good life but somehow still continue to act like the Kings of Lamjung and Kaski. I guess they must have read Diamond Sumsher's books on our Shree Tins during their trip to our government jails during the Panchey days.

The Ranas had seventeen brothers and they got to enjoy the loot. We now have six hundred clowns enjoying their free paycheck and chiya kharcha. Once we get done with our provinces, we will have a thousand or more clowns looting everything they can get their hands on.

Our corrupt government still continues to use the Rana palaces as offices. Most of the Rana Palaces have suffered major damages due to the earthquake. I think it's time our government demolished those palaces and built green buildings for our government offices. 

But of course, our civil servants and clowns would rather build mansions for themselves while our security personnel who guard so-called sensitive buildings continue to live in sheds without adequate plumbing and restrooms. 

At least SuKo got to see the Rana rule live and maybe that's why he never really cared for making enough money to live like a Shree Tin. 

Today, most of our so-called top leaders of our major political parties are worth billions of Rupees but of course our CIAA wallahs can't find the loot because our netas are smart and leave it to their personal assistants (PAs) to do the dirty deals. 

Our Nepali superhero Lokman should go after the PAs instead of our politicians. But of course, he is busy dealing with former IGPs of our Armed Police Force. I think our former IGPs should have the courage to speak up and finally tell us the truth. 

They did not become chief saabs only because of their merit but also because of suitcases filled with cash. The going rate to head most of our government agencies is around Rs 7 Karod be it our security agencies or public enterprises. 

It seems that we the people know the street price for everything be it fuel, cooking gas or driving license but the agency that investigates abuse of authority has no idea what goes on in the real world. The media should also stop making up stories and fooling us all.

Yes, the Birgunj Blockade is over but where do all the fuel tankers and gas bullets go? Do we have a Bermuda Triangle somewhere between the Madhes and the Hills? Please don't tell us that life will go back to normal in a week or two. We all know that we won't see a full cooking gas cylinder or enough fuel for our vehicles at market price any time soon.

SuKo was our former Prime Minister and the person who finally gave us a People's constitution, even though it was a half-baked one. We also have to thank him for the current political crisis which has shown us how we Nepalis will not be affected by anything be it earthquakes, blockades or a nuclear war between our chimekis in the future. 

SuKo did not want to leave Baluwatar but he had to pack up his stuff and move out thanks to the number games our politicians play. Instead of hanging around, he should have gone to Banarasi and become a hermit but he chose to stay and hoped that he would continue to lead the Kangaroos till his time was up. And his time was finally up this week. He was a good man while most of our politicians today are nothing but cunning con artists who will sell our land to the highest bidder.

SuKo should have written a book before he left us but of course, most of our politicians think they will be here forever and do not really care about their legacies. Amriki Presidents leave the White House and then write a book or two and go on speaking tours because they have to make some dough so that they will have a comfortable retirement life. 

Our politicians never leave. You could have been a Home Minister twenty years ago but you still get to enjoy free vehicle, chiya kharcha and a dozen security personnel as your bodyguards till your time is up. It seems that our government has enough funds to provide such perks till our politicians leave this Earth but do not have enough to provide for the earthquake victims.

Our politicians stick around till it's time to finally pack up and go upstairs or downstairs. We don't know that because the only ones who know if they got the visa to Heaven are the ones who are no longer with us.

SuKo actually wanted to be an actor in Hollywood. He didn't care much for Bollywood because he was more good looking than Raj Kapoor or Dev Anand. He could have ruled Hollywood if he had gotten there. 

He didn't. But at least, he got the chance to be our PM. We have lost a good man. We will not get another SuKo. We only got politicians who will not even leave a suko from your bank account if they get a chance!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Desis Know Best

Let us congratulate our Madhesi netas for running across the border to seek blessings from Bihari politicians regarding their protest programs. It's not only clowns from Madhes but almost everyone except Bijukche get both moral and financial support from the Desis to enhance their political career. 

Bijukche is tight with the North Koreans. But so far, Bhaktapur has yet to receive fake dollar bills or fake Marlboros or a malfunctioning long-range missile. 

I think Bijukche should be our next President and then he can invite Lil' Kim to Nepal for a state visit. We can then get a home-made nuclear device from the North Koreans and then finally our chimekis will stop bullying us. 

Dr Saheb is busy with his 'New Power' campaign. Yes, Karishma Didi was the leading Kollywood actress twenty years ago but the only thing new she has done over the past decade is get a tattoo on her bosom. I think Dr Saheb's new party symbol should be the same as Karishma Didi's tattoo.  

Let us hope that his party will keep its books straight unlike all other political parties who neither submit their accounts on time nor disclose where their funding comes from.

If our political parties and politicians are receiving Chiya Kharcha from the Indian Embassy then they should stop blaming India for all the mess in this land. Those who are under the patronage of the Desis should learn a thing or two from our politicians and media wallahs who get some dough from the Chinese Embassy.

Do not bite the hand that feeds you. We don't hear any China-bashing from those who get to visit China and enjoy the banquets there. Then why are our politicians who get everything from India still keep on blaming the Desis for their own problems?

The Indian Embassy should stop handing over school buses and ambulances to our government when they celebrate their Republic Day every year. Our patriotic government should stop accepting such gifts unless it comes with a one-year guarantee of unlimited supply of fuel for those buses and ambulances. 

It seems that our government has enough funds to provide luxury vehicles to hundreds of clowns but can't afford to buy ambulances and school buses on their own.

Rajendra Mahato got hit on the head by our Nepal Police and then he visited numerous hospitals in the country just to make sure that he was all right. He wasn't happy with our doctors. He then went to India. He still wasn't okay. Now, he has visited Bihar and met with Lalu and his gang. I guess Lalu knows best. 

Mahato now tells us that the protest program has done nothing to change our government's attitude towards the agitating parties. Instead, it has brought misery to millions of people whereas it has brought in millions of Rupees for our civil servants, ruling clowns and cops at our checkpoints. 

Mahato also tells us that he and his clowns will meet with the government and then decide whether to lift the border blockade. Why in the world do you need to meet our incompetent buffoons for another round of talks just to decide when to tell your cadres to go home instead of sleeping in tents on the border?

Instead of going to Bihar and asking Lalu and his gang to support their protest programs, our Madhesi leaders should come to the capital and seek support from the common folks here. We are the ones facing shortages of fuel and cooking gas  not the Biharis. 

When did Lalu become an umpire for the never-ending cricket game between our ruling clowns and Madhesi netas?

What's next for our Madhesi leaders? Tell your cadres to pack up and go home instead of blocking the borders. After a few days rest, your cadres can then come to Kathmandu and carry out your blockade programs in Baluwatar. We will support you. But enough is enough. 

The government is losing billions of Rupees in revenue. We have spent billions of Rupees to buy fuel and cooking gas in the black market. Everybody seems to be losing except the ruling clowns and our Madhesi netas who face no shortage of anything at all. They always seem to be in a jolly mood, always laughing whenever we see them on TV during their so-called meetings to resolve the current political crisis.

The Madhes protest programs has not hurt our politicians in the capital. Our civil servants can blame the blockade for everything. They don't have to carry out any development projects. Blame the shortage of fuel and what not and hide your incompetence. 

Nepal Oil Corporation seems to make more money by not selling fuel. NEA has increased the load shedding hours. Our Energy Minister Top Bahadur should change his name to Bottom Bahadur for failing to keep his promises. He promised us that we would have at least some power during lunch and dinner time. 

The only thing Top Bahadur has shown us what he is capable of is demonstrating his fashion sense. Look at the man. His coats must be worth more than the average salary of an ordinary Nepali person. His glasses and boots are worth at least half a lakh Rupees. It's not only Top Ji. 

Look at most of our politicians. Before they get the Kurchi, they look like they have been wearing the same shirt since 1990. And once they get the Kurchi, they get fat, either their cheeks or bellies and not to forget their wallets as well.

Our government doesn't know when the blockade natak will end? 

Our Madhesi netas don't have a timetable to end the current crisis. Modi is busy attending the 12th South Asian Games. Oli is busy making sure he gets to visit Delhi and high-five with Modi before he is forced out of Baluwatar.  

And what about us? We are just busy trying to coordinate with our friends, relatives and even total strangers on how to get adequate cooking gas for our homes and a few liters of petrol so that we can get to work. I think we have had enough of Oli. 

He has proved his mettle as one of the greatest Nepali comedian of all time. But he can neither give us oil for our vehicles nor any fuel to boil some eggs. Don't be surprised if Oli is not around in Baluwatar during Holi because his Boli now has no more Goli!

But that can all change if he finds a way to make the Desis happy. If not, we will have another freeloader in Baluwatar soon.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com