Us vs Them

It took our corrupt clowns seven years to come up with a preliminary draft of the new constitution. We cannot blame them for being lazy and incompetent. Look at our Melamchi Water Supply Project. A dozen Prime Monsters and nearly two decades later, the valley residents are still waiting for the day when they can finally take a shower from the water from Melamchi River. 

It seems that we might get a constitution the day the water from Melamchi hit our taps which is still a few years away. 

Our Constipated Assembly (CA) lawbreakers have worked hard all these years to collect their paychecks and perks in tune of billions of Rupees. And they come out with a preliminary draft of the constitution that seems to be really out of tune with common citizens. 

After all, our corrupt clowns only listen to lazy civil servants, slimy contractors and crazy cadres. They only think of common citizens during elections. And after they have won, the ordinary folks are forgotten while the pick pockets and con artists get to enjoy the funds from the state treasury.

We could have saved a lot of money if we had just paid a few Karod Rupees each to a dozen of our crime family bosses who seem to be running the country instead of wasting it all on 601 clowns. We do not need the PR quota. We have seen the kind of folks who occupy the PR seats. Most of them are either fake VAT Bill byaparies, local hoodlum or cousins of our freeloaders.

We want elected representatives. The winner should do something good for his or her constituency while the loser can wait for another five years gathering dirty secrets and schemes cooked by the incumbent so that he or she can win and do the same natak.

Our corrupt loafers tend to live in a bubble. They get to ride around in luxury vehicles, surrounded by armed security personnel, while enjoying the perks of being a Chor. 

They do not know how hard it is for a common citizen to live a decent life amid shortages of everything. We have to deal with inflation and corruption which leads to frustration that forces a person to go abroad to earn a few Dinars more. 

The kids of our great netas do not have to worry about their future. Just look at our Crown Prince. The guy is a polygamist and has no skills apart from updating his Facebook statuses and hooking up with a new lady every winter. 

The kids of our visionary leaders get scholarships to attend universities abroad while the kids of our farmers have to go to community schools equipped with lazy teachers, no textbooks and shoddy infrastructure.

Our clowns take seven years to come up with a preliminary draft of the constitution and they only allocate two days for public consultation and that too for only a few hours a day.  Our netas think that they can just wrap it up and force us a constitution. They might have agreed to settle petty issues but major issues have yet to be agreed upon. 

We might have eight provinces but we still have not come up with the borders for our provinces. We might have to ask the British for their help. They seem to be very good at drawing lines across the map randomly. The British can take credit for most of the present day conflicts across the world. 

If our netas are smart then they will allow DFID to bring in their consultants to draw up our state borders. Then if things blow up and become chaotic then they can always blame the British. We will have someone to blame other than India for all our problems.

We still have not come up with names for our provinces. Why not carry out a SMS campaign and encourage all of us to think out of the box to come up with something? I think we should name our provinces based on our food. 

Let's have Roti, Choila, Dhido, Kera etc so that our kids do not have to have a IQ of 150 or more to remember, pronounce and write the correct spelling of our provinces. Make it short and sweet not long and bitter.  We want our provinces now not after the promulgation of the constitution. 

The issue of secularism has taken center stage as well. Most of our priestly and warrior castes want 'religious freedom' instead of secularism. Kamal Dai wants Hinduism as the state religion. Yes, majority of our folks are Hindus and we get majority of the public holidays while people of other faiths get only a day or two as national holiday.  

Hindus get to enjoy Eid by watching a Salman Khan movie while Muslims celebrate the day with their families. Hindus get to enjoy Christmas by dancing like crazy and getting drunk while Christians celebrate the day attending mass. So, we Hindus are having most of the fun, aren't we?

Kamal Dai should first take care of all the stray cattle in the valley before he sticks to the usual 'Holy Cow' as our national animal natak. Be a good Hindu, Kamal Dai. Let us do away with our caste system. 

Let us not bar people from entering temples and participating in pujas just because of their caste. Don't tell me your kids have not enjoyed a hamburger from McDonalds while on a holiday abroad. 

Our male chauvinist pigs do not want to provide citizenship based under the mother's name. They still want stupid clauses to make it difficult for single mothers to get citizenship for their kids. Mothers, sisters, wives, girlfriends, please rise up and take to the streets. 

We are tired of Mundrey gundas shutting down the country in the name of one political party or another for their stupid causes. Women should unite and fight. This is the time, not to be quiet but to show your strength. We must appeal to the wives and mistresses of our clowns as well. We cannot allow millions of our own people to be stateless. 

The people want a directly elected executive. Our corrupt netas do not want it because they will lose out billions of Rupees in power sharing deals. The people want our MPs to be at least a graduate and not eight class pass running the show. We want term limit for our clowns. We also want age limit and minimum academic qualification as well. 

We want a better Nepal. What do our netas want? They just want us to be divided so that they can be united to loot our state treasury, shoot and boot peaceful protestors and don't really give a hoot of what we have to say. If we don't fight now, we will lose our right to be a Nepali. 

This fight is for our future, for our kids, for the generations to come. Join the battle or lose out! Young Folks, like one old chubby cigar chomping, brandy drinking bideshi said, " Never give up. Never give up! Never give up!! Never, never, never-never-never-never!'"

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Budget for Bullies

Our incompetent government has come out with the usual budget natak for the upcoming year. We pay our taxes just to pay the salaries and perks of our clowns and civil servants. Most of our civil servants make ten times more than their salary from chiya kharcha and bribes from service seekers and contractors. Yet, our civil servants are not happy that they did get any increase in their pay this year.

As usual, it will be expensive for smokers and drunks. The taxes on cigarette and alcohol go up every year. It would be better if our inefficient government increased the taxes on lung and liver-destroying products by a thousand percent instead of the usual ten percent increment every year. 

Let's be known for being the land where alcohol and cigarettes are the most expensive in the world. Lot of our didis who run chiya pasals across the country will have to suffer less from second hand smoke then.

But what we can't understand is why our corrupt government is against those who love to drink juice and eat potato chips? Why do you have to increase taxes on such products? It is customary for us Nepalis to take two big packs of juice whenever we visit our relatives in the hospital. 

And we need to give potato chips to our kids to stop them from running around the house and knocking things off that haven't already been knocked off by the earthquakes.  

The government doesn't care if our kids suffer from high blood pressure by gorging on instant noodles. They don't care if our instant noodle wallahs add MSG and other stuff but want to make sure that our kids don't drink any juices.

But if you are a dog or cat owner and feed your pets more than the usual doodh-bhat then you can save a few Rupees. Let's hope our pets will get better diet while our kids stick to the usual junk food.

Ram Sharan Mahat knows how to make our lawmakers happy. The budget for Constituency Development Program has been increased by 50 percent to Rs 15 million and each lawmaker will get Rs 2 million under the program. And they will have their say on where to spend Rs 15 million. Most of it will go to their near and dear ones and cadres.

But our lawmakers are not happy. They want more. They make more than a Lakh Rupees a month in salaries, perks and what not and want millions more. These greedy leeches will never be satisfied.

Our government has also promised to provide vocational training to 50,000 young folks so that they may contribute their skills to rebuild this country. We all know that read needy folks will not get the opportunity to develop such skills. It will be only for political cadres and the funds for such training will be divided by our political parties.

Our government has failed to allocate adequate budget for reconstruction and rehabilitation programs. It has allocated less than a billion dollars. Most of it will go to pay off our contractors while our clowns and civil servants will get their cut. 

If we had only asked the Chinese for help, they would have finished all the reconstruction stuff in less than a year instead of our grand plan to rebuild this country within five years while our clowns get to loot a billion dollar each every year.

Nearly a billion dollars has been allocated for the education sector. Most of it will go to pay off our government teachers regardless of their performance. Many of our government teachers don't even show up at the schools while many in rural areas spend their days playing cards and drinking local jaad while the kids have to learn without any textbooks. The schools are more like cow sheds and lack clean drinking water and restrooms. 

Each of our public schools should first have clean drinking water, adequate restrooms for both male and female students, textbooks for everyone and dedicated teachers instead of loafers who have political affiliation and are in there just to collect their paychecks. 

The agriculture sector will get around Rs 26 billion. Even though our government tells us that it will be used to promote the agricultural industry and provide technology to increase productivity in each VDC, most of the funds will not reach the farmers. It will be siphoned off by local leaders and civil servants. 

Everything looks good on paper. We will have cold stores all over the country so that farmers don't have to throw away their produce. We will have fish farms everywhere. Our farmers will get to use modern technology and will receive help in marketing their products. But as usual, the government will fail in implementing any of its plans. 

Many of our young folks are working overseas. Our farmers have a hard time finding people to help them in their farms. Maybe, the government should introduce a 'farmers work permit' system so that we can hire folks from the SAARC region or we can just ask the Israelis to help us grow everything anywhere like they do in their land. 

The dream of living in a load shedding free land in a few years will have to be extended by another decade. Our government is not interested to provide us 24 hour electricity. Instead of begging the Desis and the Dumpling gangs to invest in our hydropower projects and we getting a measly 10% of the power generated, the government can appeal to all citizens to invest in a government fund. 

It would  not be difficult to raise a billion Dollars or two from our own people. Yes, we will all pitch in if the government can guarantee that the money will not disappear. We can end load shedding in five years and that too by mobilizing our own money to generate 1,000 MW of electricity. 

If it weren’t for our corrupt and inefficient civil servants, our private hydro power developers would have completed enough hydropower projects to end load shedding in this land. 

It's the bureaucrats and our politicians who are creating obstacles for our hydropower developers. It's the same story everywhere. Our politicians and civil servant do not want to see this country developed. They do not like transparency and accountability. They do not favor meritocracy. They do not want our lives to get better. 

They just want to stick to the usual nataks where they get to enjoy the loot. How can these people enjoy the good life knowing very well that they are making money off the sweat and tears of hardworking Nepalis? Instead of being ashamed of their misdeeds, they seem to be proud to misuses our taxpayers money for their own personal and financial gain.

It's time to teach our toddlers that 'C' is not for 'Cat' or 'Constitution. 'C' is for Chors and there are a whole bunch of them and they are our clowns, civil servants, cadres and contractors whereas the common citizens don't seem to exist in the eyes of our evil-doers.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

ZIP (Zero Implementation Policy)

Our incompetent government has come out with its usual policies and programs for the coming fiscal year. There is nothing new and most of them are the same old nataks from last year. As usual, everything looks good on paper but our government successfully fails to implement such policies and programs.

Well, they have promised to conduct local body elections within a year. Let's hope we will get our ward chairperson and mayors by next year and they will do more than just skim off the funds. We are all tired of the lazy civil servants heading our wards and municipalities and our so-called all party mechanism looting all the funds.

Our corrupt government has promised us a new constitution soon. It maybe a month, a year or until the next Big One comes rolling. We really don't know when we will get the constitution we have been waiting for because our clowns are not good at keeping their promises. 

Deadlines are for common citizens. We have to pay our taxes, utility bills on time or face action from government agencies. But for our freeloaders, they can keep on extending the deadlines until everyone gets a piece of the loot.  Our lawmakers are the law breakers and they can get away with anything.  

During monsoon, leeches give you a hard time if you are running around the forests and you need to carry some salt to make them go away. But what do we need to do to make our corrupt clowns get back on track instead of only thinking of how to loot the state treasury? Salt won't do.  Maybe, our bideshi friends should issue a travel warning in their own airports for our politicians and high ranking government lazy bums. 

Yes, ban our clowns and civil servants from going abroad to attend conferences and consultations with foreign agents. Then, they will have to stay put here in this land of ours and do their thing instead of getting other ideas from the bideshis on how to take this country down the drain.

Our lawmakers want Rs 50 million each for their constituencies. Yes, give them the money and make them happy. Our elected CA members should be allowed to recover the costs incurred during election campaigns. After all, you need notes to win the votes and mundrey gundas don't come for free. 

Even our CA members under the PR Quota want Rs 10 million each. After all, they need to recover the money spent on getting a CA seat from a political party. Yes, our lawmakers all want cash.  After all, it's the sole reason why they are into politics. It's for financial gain for themselves and neverending pain for common citizens.

We will have eight provinces in our New Nepal and we will need local MPs, ministers and one lucky chief minister to loot the funds. We not only have to feed 275 eggheads at the federal level but another 600 or more at the state level. And we need to provide security to these buffoons as well. 

Where will all the money come from?  I guess the common citizens will have to pay more taxes while the byaparis will have to evade more taxes to pay voluntary donations to the local, state and federal government. 

The so-called reconstruction natak will only make our contractors richer. Our clowns and civil servants will get their share. Our trade deficit is now more than US$6 billion and we don't even export stuff worth a billion dollars. 

Our industry wallahs have to deal with trade unions, local leaders and then the hakim sahebs and mantris. And they all ask for chiya kharcha. No wonder, our byaparis have to cook the books.  Our contractors have no choice but to carry out shoddy works while our civil servants and clowns don't sign the papers unless they get their dough. It seems that we are all working so that we can pay off our civil servants and clowns.

Our corrupt government talks about promoting good governance. To expect our politicians and bureaucrats to adopt zero-tolerance policy against corruption is like expecting a kid not to take anything at a candy store left unattended.  

I think our government is good at adopting zero implementation policy. And they should continue to do that instead of mocking us all with nautanki nataks and promises to bring glory and prosperity to this land.

Our government tells us that it will implement the anti-money laundering law effectively. So does that mean that all of our top political sharks, sarkari piranhas , fake-VAT Bill byaparis, contractors and dalals will be the first ones to go to jail, have their assets confiscated and pay double the fine of what they have earned through ill-gotten means?  Nope. They don't have any cash in the bank or property in their names. It's better to go after their spouses, drivers and personal aides and then we might one day finally know the truth.

We will soon have computerized account system in all government bodies. The only folks who will make money will be the vendor selling the system and the civil servant who will ask for the commission to clear the check to the vendor. The mantri will get his share and he or she won't have to even know about it. His or her PA will do the hisab-kitab.

Our inefficient government has promised to build roads and highways and other infrastructure stuff. First of all, please finish your road widening work in the capital and then we can believe that you will carry out bigger infrastructure projects successfully. 

Our government offices can't even clear the debris from its own premises. They can't even repair the walls that collapsed during the earthquakes and they tell us that they will rebuild this nation within five years. 

And the biggest joke for the coming year is that come winter, we will only have eight hours of load shedding. Well, monsoon is here and load shedding hours are still the same. Maybe, our government plans to build a mini-nuclear plant in Singha Durbar and cut the winter load shedding hours in half.

Our politicians, civil servants and so-called experts who have done their share to come up with policies and programs to make our country better should all be held accountable if the promises made by our incompetent government doesn't materialize. Stop promising what you can't deliver. 

Instead tell us that you are incompetent, corrupt and have neither the political will nor organizational capacity to rebuild this nation. Just give up and tell us that we are on our own and the government is only for the clowns and civil servants and not for the people. 

We are getting ripped off and yet we don't seem to care and maybe someday we will finally wake up when we are left with nothing.

Hari The Harasser

History tells us about Alexander the Great. One Amrikan cartoonist gave us Hagar the Horrible but here in our land, we now have Hari the Harasser. Hope one day, our cartoonists will come up with a comic strip to honor the great works of our former Agriculture Minister Hari Prasad Parajuli. 

Our then Agriculture Minister Hari the Harasser made us all proud by demonstrating his hugging skills during an event to celebrate 'Dhan Diwas' on Asar 15. Instead of planting paddy, our dishonorable minister was busy grabbing women and rubbing his cheeks on theirs. 

I think someone forget to tell Hari the Harraser that he was supposed to be planting paddy in the field instead of trying to plant kisses on any woman in his sight.

His personal security officer, a man in an army uniform was seen smiling at Horny Hari's nataks. I think it's about time, our incompetent government save us a few Rupees by not having army folks provide security to our so-called top officials in the government. 

One joins the army to protect the nation against foreign invasion. One joins the army so that one may take part in helping the nation and its people during natural disasters. 

One should not join the army just to stand beside a corrupt clown and be a live spectator when he is busy molesting women. It would be better if our incompetent government formed a special protection group for the so-called Very Irritating Persons (VIPs). Either dress them up in Daura-Suruwals or just black tie and suit like the US Secret Service minus the brothel visits.

Use the army for nation-building and peacekeeping missions abroad. We are not going to fight any wars against our chimekis unless Baidya Ba becomes our President. Then, we will have to invade India. Well, that's another story.

Let's get back to Hari the Harasser. The former molesting minister has resigned. That's great but he should also be tried in our courts. This jerk should serve six months in prison so that all of us will be aware that no one has the right to go around grabbing women and rubbing his body against theirs.

Maybe, Hari the Harasser is not be blamed. Somebody must have mixed something with the chiura and curd. After all, nearly everything we eat is adulterated in this land. Our government agencies fail to monitor and take action against black marketers and those involved in selling low-quality food items. 

Our government can take action only against common citizens because we pay taxes. Byaparis are free to extort the consumers so that they can evade taxes. After all, it's them, the fake VAT-bill wallahs who dole out voluntary donations to our political parties and civil servants.  

KP Oli will be our Prime Minister soon. Let us expect not great things from him but his ministers will either be Mundrey Gundas, extortionists or sexual predators. This is the fourth time, a minister from CPN-UML has resigned since SuKo became the Baluwatar Baba. I think it would be better if the United Mundrey Leaders  (UML) change their mantris every three months. 

Let every dishonest UML become a mantri and enjoy the perks. Now, the top UML leaders are fighting with each over who gets to become our new Agriculture Minister. Well, the one who can promise to make the most money from taking the cut from fertilizer and funds meant for our farmers will be the new mantri. 

After all, if you cannot make money for your political party and its top bosses then you are very less likely to get the opportunity to ride in a national flag-bearing luxury vehicle, protected by security personnel against threats from law-abiding hardworking common citizens.

We have already imported rice worth Rs 12.4 billion this year and we will probably import more next year as well. Our government's agricultural policies have failed miserably. Our farmers don't get seeds and fertilizer on time. It's the same story every year. The contractors who supply the seeds and fertilizer make billions of Rupees, so does our Agriculture Minister and civil servants. 

The Desi government provides heavy subsidies on seeds and fertilizer to its farmers. Our government only makes it worse for our farmers by ignoring their needs and asking for chiya kharcha on any grants or goods provided to them.

Will we get an Agriculture Minister who will work to help our farmers to increase production and promote their products here and abroad? No. We will just get another lackey who will do what his or her party bosses say. 

Whoever becomes our new Agriculture Minister should bring back the boras of rotten rice distributed by the great WFP (Worthless Food Program) back to the capital. Then, he or she should cook the rice and invite the bideshi who has threatened to pull out from Nepal if we continue to complain about inedible food stuff provided by WFP, to try the rice. 

We can also send it to the CA canteen where all of our lawmakers can try some. If none of them get sick the next day then we can apologize to Mr. Zing and his crew. 

Mr. Zing, if you want it then please take the rice to Iraq or Syria. The only folks who are having all the fun with this natak are our domestic aviation companies and local contractors for the WFP. I think it would be better if we went back to Dhido and Roti instead of rice. 

Yes, our villages need help but we do not want hashish-smoking bideshis to come here on behalf of UN agencies. The UN officials should stop threatening us with pull outs.  They should be happy that we are not Iraq or Syria. 

We are Nepal. We love the UN. We do everything we can to make way for the UN vehicles to ply on our roads without obstruction. We let them park anywhere they want. We bow down to them.  They are greeted with flowers and warm smiles instead of whatever they get to the places where Mr. Zing has threatened to take the rice.