A Grand Success

Our Finance Minister, Ramu Uncle calls the 'International Conference on Nepal's Reconstruction -2015' (ICNR) a grand success. Yes, 300 thulo mancheys from 60 nations showed up at Soaltee Hotel, had wonderful dinner and drinks and probably enjoyed the tour of the affected areas in the city and neighboring districts. 

A grand success is when 30 million tourists visit Nepal every year. A grand success is when we have more than 10,000 MW of electricity and we make money selling it to our chimekis instead of begging for another 100 MW from the Desis.

I think our incompetent politicians should be reminded that begging for a few Dollars and getting some is not something to be proud of.  It would have been a grand success if you reached your target or exceeded it. 

It would have been the greatest begging extravaganza ever if we had received US$10 billion and all that in grant. But of course, our bideshi friends do not give us cash just for fun. They have their own self interest to fulfill and at the end of the day, their consultants and companies take home most of the dough anyway.

Minister Ramu tells us that he is very happy because our bideshi friends pledged more than what he had expected. I guess he was expecting only half of the US$6.6 billion needed to rebuild the homes and lives of his near and dear ones. 

But our bideshi friends have pledged to give us US$4.4 billion in grants and loans. Majority of the pledged amount will be soft loan. Ramu won't have to pay back the loan. It will be the successive governments' decades later figuring out how to pay back the cash taken by the current government. 

Ramu believes that our country's financial scenario will strengthen in the future. Let us forget about our country and its common citizens. It's the corrupt clowns, civil servants and contractors who will find ways to strengthen their bank balance. 

Yes, just ask Ramu's former personal aide (PA). The guy knows all the deals and schemes. Well, he wasn't selling the zinc sheets. He was just delivering it to his near and dear ones. This is the only country in the world where a PA is as powerful as the mantri. The PA is the go to person for all 'get rich quick schemes'. The PA is the power broker. 

Our bideshi friends have pledged half of the US$4.4 billion in grant and the rest in loan. We will now have another two billion dollars that needs to be paid back on top of the five billion we already owe to bideshis and domestic lenders. Our netas will be rich while our kids will be poor.

Our incompetent government should have instead asked for investment from our foreign friends. Let the bideshis all get together and invest in hydropower, tourism, agriculture and infrastructure. 

If we had all the resources and skills then we would not  have to beg from the bideshis. But we have nothing. The government allows builders to build high-rise apartments but yet it doesn't have any equipment, to demolish such structures. We don't even have an equipment to tow a stranded aircraft on our only international airport and we expect our corrupt politicians to move this country forward.

We don't have anything and it's better to allow them to invest without having to worry about trade unions burning tyres and manhandling management. Give them tax breaks. 

Let the bideshis generate 40,000 MW of electricity. Let them make some money for themselves while we get free electricity and millions of our youth can be employed for at least a decade in their own land instead of being exploited overseas. 

The Swiss and the French could help us build ski resorts up in the mountains. The Israelis could help us with farming techniques. Our potholes could be used to grow vegetables. The Chinese could help us with our infrastructure. After all, they can build a fifty-storey tower in less than a month. 

The Desis could help us by allowing our goods to be exported to third countries without the usual hassles. But of course, our incompetent government doesn't have any plans to bring foreign investment, generate jobs for millions and increase our standard of living. Our politicians just want Dollars for themselves and their children. 

Most of our top leaders have kids abroad and they have bought apartments worth Karods there. And it's funny that they are proud of their kids who have become doctors, lawyers, investment bankers in the West but cannot think of how to empower and enrich the lives of the millions of kids back home. Our netas just come up with a 'rich father-in-law' excuse every time they are questioned about their ill-gotten wealth.

As usual, India tops the list with US$1 billion in pledges but most of it will be loans. The Chinese do not beat up the drums too much like our Desi friends but they have pledged to provide US$760 million and most of it in grant. It has also offered training opportunities for 1,500 Nepalis. But the Amrikans and British only want to give us around 10% of what India has offered. 

Why? Well, we don’t have oil. We don’t have nukes. If we had offered the Amrikans an opportunity to have an air base in our land then they would probably give us billions of dollars every year.

The British should be ashamed of themselves. They are celebrating 200 years of service to the Crown by the brave Gurkhas but I guess when it comes to providing aid to the land of the Gurkhas, the British are the stingiest of them all. 

We sent 5,000 blankets to Japan when earthquake struck there a few years back. We are getting US$ 260 million. More than half a million Nepalis fought two World Wars. More than 50,000 sacrificed their lives for the British Empire. You do the math.

Donors & Dinners

Our former Finance ministers and so-called experts want our incompetent government to ask for grants instead of loans at the International Donors' Conference. The conference is scheduled for June 25th and as usual, our civil servants have yet to come up with a master plan on how to utilize the funds received from the Bideshis. They just seem to be happy to receive anything as long as it's cash. 

The bideshi consultants will take half, our civil servants and contractors will make some dough and our mantris get their share. The people will get crumbs and sometimes rotten rice as well. While the WFP bideshi will smoke some hashish and even take some to his land.

Our experts have asked the government to make sure that assistance we hope to receive from the bideshis do not come with many conditions attached. Well, Beggars can't be choosers unless you are begging in Ratnapark. 

If you throw a Rupee coin at the beggar, do expect to get hit back by the same coin. A five gives you a smirk, a ten gives you a crooked smile and more than that gives you a blessing that one day you too may live in Baluwatar and make billions of Rupees.

We, the Nepali people are not beggars. We are hardworking, law-abiding citizens who do not expect much from our incompetent government. But still, our government only extorts from us in the name of taxes to fill the bellies of our clowns, civil servants and contractors. 

Our government is a beggar. Our politicians only know how to beg from bideshis. Our civil servants know only how to show up for work and do nothing and yet demand salary hike and other nautanki allowances every year. Our contractors pay off everyone and carry out shoddy works in hopes that they will get the same contract again a year later when the roads, walls, buildings and bridges crumble.

Our wonderful bideshi friends are not crazy or blind. They are cunning and full of bullshit because they only act if their self-interest are fulfilled.  Nobody is going to give our government a penny just because they are compassionate and really want to help us. 

Former Finance mantri, Surendra Pandey wants the government not to accept funds with strings attached.  I guess he got us tons of grants and interest fee loans from the bideshis when he was sitting in the Kurchi. 

Barshaman Pun, another former Finance Minister wants the government to form a effective reconstruction body so that all parties can share the loot instead of only the ruling clowns. 

I guess those who have sat on that Kurchi have done nothing for the country except to make sure that our fake VAT-bill byaparis evade taxes and give some to the minister.

More than two decades ago, Ram Sharan was our Finance Minister. Today, he sits on the same chair, a lot older and still not that wiser. It just shows that we have come a full circle. 

We have the same players who had fun in the 90s running the country and yet they have not learned a thing or two in the past two decades. It's the same old natak. It's not about moving forward and building a prosperous nation. It's all about how to take this beautiful land of ours and its hardworking citizens back to the Stone Age.

If you work in a bakery for twenty years, you will probably turn out to be a world-class baker. If you have been working as a car mechanic for the past two decades, you will probably have enough knowledge to build yourself a car from scratch. 

But why is it not the same for our lazy civil servants and greedy corrupt clowns? Why do they not learn from their past experiences and visits abroad. Why can't they follow development models from our chimekis if they can't come up with their own?

Most of our top hakim sahebs began their civil service career when the Mandaleys were having all the fun. We might have different players running the show since the 90s but our civil servants are the same. Nothing has changed since the days of the Pancheys. 

Our public servants continue to act like they are the kings and we have to beg and bow down and also pay bribes just to get the services we as citizens of this country are entitled to receive from the government.

Our CDOs still act like they own the districts. They do not care if our children and women are trafficked. They have no plans to provide relief materials to the real victims. They bow down to political pressure and provide funds and relief materials to the political parties instead of the public. 

After all, those who are posted to money-making districts do have to pay the personal assistant of our Home Minister. No wonder, our CIAA wallahs never find any evidence of corruption because it’s the PAs who collect the cash and probably bury it in his or her backyard. 

Ram Sharan tells us that the donors' conference will be held in Kathamndu so that the bideshis can see the disaster in the city. Each of us already carry a Rs 20,000 loan on our heads thanks to our beggar government asking for loans from every bideshi willing to fork out a dollar or two. 

It will cost Rs 666 billion to bring the country back on track. Only evil-doers could think of such numbers. Praise the Devil! Our politicians will sell their soul to the devil to make a few Rupees more. 

Let our so-called bideshi donors and our clowns enjoy lavish dinners at our five star hotels while they plan on how to help each other out. Our government and the bideshis have the same agenda. Pay off their own, while the public gets false assurances and half-baked assistance. 

Credit for a Constipated Constitution

Our four major circus companies have managed to seal a 16-point deal over doodh chiya and biskoots to make way for delivering us a new constitution. Our clowns have wasted seven years on useless squabbling and fighting over who gets to loot more when they could have wrapped up the whole thing within nine months of the first Constipated Assembly (CA).  

I think they should only serve Espresso in Baluwatar. Then our leaders can be more alert and settle things quickly instead of the usual nataks of meeting at resorts and late-night drinking sessions.

The 16-point deal was signed by our hermit PM SuKo on behalf of the Kangaroos, our comedian KhaPo on behalf of the United Mundrey Leaders, our Emperor, PuKaD on behalf of the Mao Inc and BiGa on behalf of only a few Madhesi badasses.

SuKo wants to show his Sukeko ko Bal and take credit for giving us the constitution on his watch. I think it's time for our hermit to leave Baluwatar for Banaras. He should be a wandering hermit instead of playing football. It's time to relax and spend your days swimming in the Ganges River. Well, it could have been better if he ended his political career by swimming in the Bagmati but just picking up trash ain't enough unless we manage the sewage flowing in the holy river. 

Maybe, SuKo could head the 'Bagmati Clean-Up Campaign' until the day we can all swim in the river. We, the people won't remember who gave us a constipated constitution but we will be thankful and pay tribute to one who gave us back our Bagmati.

KhaPo wants to be the man in Baluwatar after SuKo leaves for Banaras. And even though he too is not in good health, he wants all of us to know that he has enough verbal firepower to move this country forward.  After all the man climbed Dharahara. 

If he becomes our Prime Monster then he will surely build a bigger and better tower. Please place a lift as well because not all of us can walk. And please make sure that you place inflatable rescue cushion around the tower because you never know when you have to jump off again.

KhaPo has lots of mundreys under his wing and they will probably get to have fun even if KhaPo has to watch his diet for health reasons. His near and dear ones will be free to loot the state treasury. KhaPo has been hungry for all these years to sit on the thulo kurchi of them all. 

It won't be all-day buffet for his cronies. It will be a never-ending feast until the next person barges into Baluwatar. Let KhaPo have some fun and let him misuse his power and amass more ill-gotten wealth. After all, greed is never enough.

Our Emperor, Pukad Man wants to be our President and then order the military to perform daily parades in the President's House. After all, he still has some issues with our men in green. 

I think we should call it the 'Presidential Palace' once our Emperor moves in. Our current President Ramu Dai loves to drink buffalo milk and namkeen. Our next President will save us a few liters of milk per week by only drinking bideshi whiskey.

And once again, BiGa, who has some resemblance to some hip-hop artist in New York wants to be our Home Minister again. After all, Home is where the dough is. You get to transfer honest cops to remote districts while sending corrupt cops to money-making places. He has been our Home Minister before and he will do great for the country by making sure that this time around, he gets to appoint his own lackey to head the police force when the current chief retires. 

Then he can make a music video for his private collection displaying his bling and throwing a few Karods of Rupees around when the new IGP begins his tenure. The only thing our Brother BiGa says when he opens his big mouth is 'Show Me the Money!'.

Our jokers have agreed on eight provinces but the names and borders can be decided later on by armed underground militant outfits or through SMS voting whichever is easier or tolerable. 

Our incompetent government plans to form a commission to decide on the issues regarding the provinces. Yes, let us have one more commission and the report will gather dust instead of the suggestions being put into good use. After all, we have had hundreds of commissions since the Kangaroos began their looting spree in the 90s. 

Our four major crime families have also agreed to go for a parliamentary system. There goes the Maoist idea of having a President like the Amrikans who has the right to declare war against all life forms but can't do jack shit in his own country. Well, we won't be invading anyone anytime soon unless Baidya Ba become our President, which won't be happening anytime soon either. 

We will have 275 clowns in the lower house and 45 members in the upper house.  Our male chauvinist pigs have only offered one third of the seats for women. Why not have all 100% women in the upper house instead. 

Yes, we will have most of corrupt clowns in the lower house anyway. Let's have our mothers, sisters, wives and girlfriends making sure that the clowns don't get away with everything.  

It’s great that our corrupt parasites have agreed to at least give children citizenship under the mother's name as well. Let us hope in the future that once we are done with the constitution, our Home Ministry and the corrupt CDOs won't give us excuses to deny the rights to those seeking citizenship under the mother's name.

Let us also hope that our clowns will be able to bring Kamal Dai, other Madhesi and Janjati parties along for the ride. After all, we need our clowns on the same page. Offer them boras of cash or whatever makes them happy. Baidya Ba should keep quiet if he gets a life-time supply of raksi and some sitan.

maguffadi@gmail.com

Artists vs Con Artists

Artists are creators. Their work inspires us. Artists help in enriching out culture. Con-Artists are destroyers. Their work makes us either leave the country for a few more Dinars or stay back and suffer from maniac depression due to the corruption in our land.  They only help themselves and their near and dear ones while the country and its common citizens are forgotten.

Those of us who are here can do nothing but rant and curse our incompetent government, greedy politicians and lazy civil servants. How in the world did we manage to elect the same bunch of pickpockets every time? I think it's time we urged our social  and community leaders to stand up for election the next time and put an end to the looting of the state treasury by our freeloaders.

We should have a law that allows only residents of that constituency to stand up for election instead of having our buffoons spend tons of money and muscles to win elections from places where they have never lived or have done anything productive there. We must have some sort of a residency clause. 

One must at least live in Siraha for at least six months if you want to stand up for election from there. And please let us not allow our clowns to stand up for elections in two different constituencies.  Don't waste our taxpayers money by holding by-elections again and again.

Now, our good for nothing political parties are talking about 60-40 mixed electoral model. We will have 60% corrupt clowns occupying the Lower House under the first-past-the-post natak and another 40% under proportional representation. 

For a country of our size, we don't need hundreds of lawbreakers. And we very well know that those under PR system will not be social leaders, experts and creative geniuses. Instead, they will be those with boras of cash, shady byaparis and smugglers who would want to be a MP for millions of Rupees so that they can somehow break more laws or not get arrested for their misdeeds.

The Desi have only 545 members in the Lower House. If we were to do some math based on land size, then we can do with less than 25 lawbreakers and maybe a dozen Upper House members. We really don't need hundreds of clowns to make our laws. We all know that only a dozen thieves run the show whereas the other MPs will just vote as long as the notes keep on flowing.

Our opposition wallahs would want either six or eight provinces but they still can't agree on what we should name them. What's in a name? Our Emperor is 'Lotus Flower' on his Nagarikta and the 'Fierce One' in black books of byaparis across the city. 

It's not the name that counts. We can come up with beautiful names for our provinces but what good is it if our own brothers and sisters can't live freely, practice their faith without fear and seek opportunities to better their lives in any village or city in this land?

Constitution can wait for another six months. Give us a constitution before Dashain and please hold local elections after Tihar. What we need now is temporary shelters for those affected by the earthquakes. Many families who lost their loved ones have yet to receive funeral expenses. Many have not received any tents or cash to build temporary shelters yet. 

The price of  materials to build shelters have gone up but our incompetent government is not willing to take any action against our byaparies. After all, common citizens pay taxes and get nothing. Byaparis get to raise prices, engage in blackmarketing and evade taxes so that they can pay off our netas and their cronies and get to make tons of money for themselves as well.

Our incompetent government can't even clear the debris and build new walls around Singha Durbar after a month since the Big One and yet they tell us that they will rebuild this nation in a few years. I guess it will take at least a year before the government walls in the capital are built again. 

Of course, they need to allow contractors to bid for the construction of the walls and find the lowest bidder who can pay the most kickbacks. The common citizens have lost everything whereas our Con-Artists are salivating on the prospect of making billions of Rupees in the name of reconstruction and other nataks.

There is a friendly football match today at Halchowk Ground inside the APF Headquarters. Our beloved President is expected to inaugurate the event. Our hermit Prime Minister, wannabe Prime Monster KP Oli and other political pickpockets will be playing a game of football against Nepali artists. It will cost Rs 5,000 to watch our Con-Artists play against our artists. 

It seems that our clowns have lot of free time. Instead of wasting another Saturday, by kicking a ball for a few seconds, our good for nothing clowns should all get together and help common citizens build temporary shelters. 

I don't want to blame the organizer for such events. It's a good initiative but instead of clowns, why not just invite artists from all over the world and play football matches without our artists every day for a year. We will all pitch in and go watch the game. 

The funds raised should go directly to at least one village instead of giving it to our government. We all know how our government works. It is slow, lazy, inefficient and corrupt. Some folks tell us that the PM's relief fund is transparent and cannot be misused. 

This country is being run by pickpockets. They know very well how to steal by creating fake identities and asking us to believe that they spent it on the affected families when in reality, most of the tents, cash and other relief materials will end up in the homes of local leaders, civil servants and our despicable clowns.