Frenemies

Our top national comedian Mr Krazy Pompous Oli will soon leave Baluwatar and move to back home to Balkot. In some countries, politicians leave in taxis or their own private vehicle once they are no longer in office but here in our land of ours, the government provides them vehicles for life along with dozens of security personnel, chiya kharcha and more. 

Why do our politicians need thirty or even forty security personnel to guard their homes? I hope our clowns have built a futsal ground in their backyard. Our security personnel do need some exercise once in a while rather than dozing off or using their mobile phones to update their Facebook statuses while on duty.

So what has Oli done for the country in the past nine months as our Prime Monster? Nothing!  And what has the state given Oli in the past nine months? Everything! He will now get better vehicles, dozens of security personnel to guard his residence and provide security for him wherever he goes. He will continue to get millions of Rupees for medical treatment here and abroad. 

It seems that our politicians only want to be our Prime Monster so that they can get life-time perks that comes with having slept at Bauwatar be it for a few months or a few years.

It’s good to be a politician in a land where the people are submissive and have the courage to continue to adapt to all the hardship brought on by the lack of leadership of our politicians. It’s good to be a politician in a land where you can continue to steal billions of Rupees meant for the people and get away with it. 

Our politicians do have thick skin and a strong spine. The media does try hard to publish stories of corruption and abuse of authority but it seems that it does not really affect any of our politicians and civil servants.  They are not ashamed of their misdeeds and they do not have to abide by the law even when the Supreme Court tells them to do so.

I think we should have a law that bars state perks to our politicians who spent less than a year in office. We could save billions of Rupee by not having to provide luxury vehicles, security personnel and other chiya kharcha to our chors who had been in office for less than a year but seem to enjoy all the perks till they drop dead.

And it seems that our politicians are only good at math when it comes to figuring out how much heads they need to topple the government and form a new one. How come they do not do the math when it comes to our trade deficit with India. 

We seem to export less than a billion dollars worth of goods whereas we import six times more. Maybe, if we had not increased the salaries of our civil servants, our food prices would not have jumped by more than 20% in a month.  There will come a day when our bank notes are deemed worthless and we will be using it to pack peanuts and chat-patey. 

It seems that we, the people should learn from our politicians. Look at our Emperor and the Pajero King. Once enemies, they are now in love with each other. So, we the people must also learn to forgive our neighbours. Don’t carry a grudge just because the other person failed to invite you for his daughter’s wedding. 

Once, Deuba put a price on Prachanda’s head and our Emperor wanted to put a hit on the King. But today, things have changed. Today, there are lovers and they will enjoy the fruit of their labor of toppling Oli’s circus show by sharing the top kurchi. 

I think it’s a good thing that both Prachanda and Deuba will be our Prime Monsters in their ‘sharing is caring’ natak. Both have been our Prime Monsters and we can save at least a few Rupees because we don’t have to give a whole load of state perks to a new jerk. 

Our Emperor could not do much in the nine months he lived in Baluwatar. He left office like a juvenile delinquent just because he could not fire the then Army Chief. Our King has been Prime Monster again and again and if it weren’t for him, many of our former lawmakers would have to take the Micro instead of still driving around in tax-free luxury vehicles.

The musical chair of power sharing will continue and we can’t do a thing about it. We will probably have a new CEO heading the National Reconstruction Authority. Our brothers and sisters who were displaced by the earthquake and who lost their loved ones will continue to be denied compensation because of our lazy inefficient bums. 

But life goes on. We, the people have always suffered and will continue to suffer miserably. Our politicians will continue to not give a hoot to all of the problems faced by the common folks, but will continue to enjoy the loot and will have no qualms to give orders to shoot at protesters demanding reform of the corrupt system. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Rain brings Pain

Every year, hundreds of our folks lose their lives and thousands are displaced from their homes due to floods and landslides but our incompetent government is neither prepared nor does anything to minimize the damage from such natural disasters.  

I guess our government just waits for our lands to be flooded and they then ask our security personnel to rescue our folks. It would be wise for our folks in the plains to buy a raft and life jackets because the government is always too slow to respond to such disasters.

Our Narayang-Muglin road section is always obstructed during the monsoon but so far our lazy civil servants have not figured out how to prevent such obstruction. Why can’t our government build strong, sturdy retaining walls instead of carrying out shoddy works on highways prone to landslides? 

Maybe, our Nepal Army should be given the task to build retaining walls across the country instead of doling out the contracts to slimy contractors who are neither punished nor lose their license for failing to do their jobs.

And when a day is wasted trying to clear the road, our petrol pumps are swarmed by people who somehow have to refuel their tanks the next day. Why can’t our folks always fill up their tanks when they get the chance instead of waiting for someone to spread the rumour that fuel supply is low and then only head to the pumps and stay in line for hours to put a few litres of petrol?

Our corrupt government only knows how to fill in the potholes and pave our roads a week before monsoon. Our capital turns into rivers whenever there is a heavy rain. Maybe our government could do us a favour if they deployed rafts in the city during monsoon so that we would not have to swim around the city.  I guess our Department of  Roads and the Sanitation wallahs have yet to learn how to build drains across the city. 

Yes, our government agencies never coordinate with each other and we, the people have to suffer every other month. The Road wallahs pave the road. The Khanepani folks then show up a month later and then dig up the newly-paved road. 

They tell us that it’s for the Melamchi pipeline. And after they are done digging, the Road wallahs do not pave the road again but just leave it in hopes that big trucks and tippers will come rambling down the road to level the dug up road.

Our folks up north are also suffering from floods and landslides. It seems that it will take us a decade before our traders can finally bring their goods from Khasa. 

Our government is not serious at all to make sure that our highways are not obstructed. Our government doesn’t care if the prices of vegetables and other daily essential increase by 50% in a week. Our government does not think it is important to provide relief and rescue works for the people displaced by the floods and landslides as soon as possible.

But our government has other priorities to take care of and it cannot be stuck dealing with petty issues like controlling food prices,  curbing corruption or clearing the obstruction in our highways. Our politicians and civil servants do not need to check their wallets when buying vegetables every day. They are not worried about inflation because they make enough chiya kharcha to last them another decade or two.  

They do not want to fight against corruption because that would be like asking a pickpocket to stop stealing other folks’ wallets and find an honest job. It doesn’t matter if our highways are obstructed because our politicians will get to use Nepal Army’s helicopters to move around the country. 

Yes, our Nepal Army needs not just one or two but a dozen helicopters to make sure that it can cover the whole country during natural disasters. We should have a law that bars politicians from using government helicopters for their own party programs. Our Defense Minister does not have to visit Army camps in rural areas. 

If he really wants to make sure that our Army folks are doing their job then just visit the Army headquarter and get your briefs from the Generals there. But of course, when the Army or other security agencies buy any stuff worth billions then our clowns and contractors find ways to make some dough. 

We still have not found out how many politicians got paid when our Nepal Police bought useless armoured personnel carriers for their Sudan mission? When will we have our own consortium of investigative journalists in the country who will then bring out our own ‘Nepal Papers’ so that we, the people will finally get to know who got paid by whom and how much of the dough is in the country or abroad?

Yes, we need the monsoon because it is good for the farmers. But our farmers never get their fertilizer on time. Our farmers never get better market price for their products because the middlemen make all the dough while the farmers get peanuts. 

Our politicians are not interested to help the people. They are only interested to help themselves. Our politicians make sure that one of their own gets full medical treatment at the expense of the state or even  travel overseas for medical treatment in an air ambulance while common folks get nothing.

Our major political parties are now running around trying to do their math to form a new government. But whoever gets to live in Baluwatar will not do anything good for the country. Maybe, we should just shift our ministries and even the parliament to Bhotekoshi. Maybe then our politicians will make sure that landslides and floods will bring minimal damage to the region. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Dr KC is Crazy!

What is the CIAA?  If you are an Amrikan then you might think it is some kind of a rehab program for former CIA agents or an alumni association for the spooks. Our government tells us that it is the Commission for the Investigation of Abuse of Authority. 

But so far, our great warriors have only gone after low-level government employees. It even carries out sting operation against the small fishes while we have yet to hear about any sting operations against our netas and high-ranking civil servants. I guess it is easier to go after the flies with swatters than going after the tigers in mantri quarters or in their mansions. 

Well, we have our former APF chiefs under investigation for fake invoices and making millions of Rupees on the side but they are less likely to go to jail any time soon. Some of our former Nepal Police chiefs have been found guilty but are still at home reading newspapers instead of spending their time in prison. 

This is how the thulo mancheys roll in this land of ours. Everyone pays off everyone so that they can share the loot while common folks have to leave home and work overseas to feed their families.

When it comes to the CIAA, it is hard to fathom how the same guy who as the Chief Secretary then, did all he could to make sure Gyanu Uncle had some fun, can then  go on to become the head of the CIAA? 

The anti-corruption body then had recommended that such a corrupt person be never given any opportunity to hold any public office ever again. How did our political parties failed to find one honest person to head the anti-corruption body? 

I guess our corrupt netas needed a corrupt con artist to make sure that their wealth is not investigated. And the great superhero is on a mission to not go after the big sharks but against anyone with whom he holds a grudge.

Why can’t the CIAA investigate our political parties who never submit their financial reports on time? Why can’t the CIAA investigate our politicians who a decade ago were starving vagabonds but are now billionaires who live in mansions in the city?

It seems that we have a new King in the new Republic and his name is Lokman. The CIAA seems to have a new target every month. Last month, it was Kanak and it seems that this month it is Dr KC. 

The CIAA not only investigates corruption but also conducts exams, goes after people who do not hold public office and even seems to have medical experts in their ranks. The CIAA tells us that Dr KC suffers from mental illness and should be hospitalized instead of carrying out hunger strikes.

Yes, Dr KC is crazy. He is crazy because he goes on hunger strikes to fight against the system. The CIAA tells us that Dr KC is supported by criminals. Yes, people who want changes for the good of the people are criminals and traitors in this land whereas black marketers, fake VAT bill byaparis, slimy contractors and con artists are patriots and nationalists.

It is the government’s job to provide affordable health care to the people. But so far, private hospitals make billions while our public hospitals have neither adequate supplies of medicines and resources nor adequate manpower to help the patients. 

It is the government’s job to make sure that education is affordable to all but private schools can charge tens of thousands of Rupees and get away with it while our public schools never get their textbooks on time or don’t get it at all. Where is the CIAA? Why can’t it go after our government agencies where hakim sahebs make millions and even peons are well-off. 

Dr KC is crazy because he does not want the medical mafia to run medical colleges in the country. He doesn’t want byaparis making millions from medical students while providing them with limited resources to carry out their medical education. He wants medical schools to focus on quality not quantity.  

The CIAA tells us that Dr KC has no right to defame the CIAA and the honourable Chief Commissioner. Yes, if Lokman is the benchmark for honesty and integrity in this land then we are all doomed. Our corrupt netas and civil servants are honest, hardworking folks while the common folks are lazy bums who only wait for the government to help us out. 

No wonder, most of our brothers and sisters who were affected by the earthquake are still waiting for the 200,000 Rupees housing grant. We all know how far that money will go. Let alone build a house, it is not even enough to build a small one room shelter covered by tin sheets. 

We should all be ashamed that one man alone is crazy enough to fight the system and millions of us, the silent majority just hang around in chiya pasals and tell each other that the doctor is once again planning another hunger strike. 

We have no one to blame but us. Our society encourages nepotism. We all want our mancheys to get the job or the contract. We encourage lying and dishonesty because that takes you far while if you are honest and speak the truth, the society will call you crazy.  

Yes, Dr KC is crazy. He needs to be locked up in a mental institution for life because we don’t want such person to create chaos and anarchy in this land. Long Live Lokman-Tantra! 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com