Rocket Man vs Dotard!

King Deuba is in New York City and so is our Foreign Minister Mahara but they seem to be lost in the crowd.  How come our netas don't make any news when they attend the UN picnic every year? At least give a speech threatening some other country or just come out with fake news about us thinking about developing nuclear weapons as well. 

After all we have a few grams of Uranium somewhere in our land, don't we? We don't know how easy it would be to extract it but at least we can threaten to do something with it every now and then and get some respect from the so-called 'thulo' nations!

The world knows that we can't go to war with our chimekis and win but at least if we only threaten to work on developing nukes for our personal home use then our chimekis and the West might take us seriously. Mahara thought he would be meeting Trump but I guess our folks in New York didn't know much about protocol and thought it was like back home where anybody can meet the thulo mancheys like our bideshi ambassadors meet our politicians and civil servants. 

Our Ambassador in Amrika can't even meet any US government officials without appointment whereas bidhesis here in Nepal meet our netas like whenever they feel like it and go to their homes and have tea or something. Yes, we Nepalese are friendly folks and guests are Gods! No wonder, bidhesis act like first-class citizens in this land whereas Nepalis get no respect in their own country! 

Even our civil servants, cops and corrupt netas seem to like bidhesis more than their fellow citizens. Our civil servants beg for scholarships for their kids and even jobs after retirement. More than 3.5 million Nepali folks are now overseas working hard to provide for their families back home. 

But when our folks come back or want to go abroad, our immigration officials harass them and treat them like criminals. Where did we go wrong? Here the corrupt think they are righteous while the honest, hard working and law-abiding citizens have to be ashamed of themselves for being good people!

Our corrupt netas beg for funds for their parties from the bideshis whereas our cops do not carry out 'Mapase' checkings on bideshis and even ignore restaurants opening late if owned by non-Nepalis! Why? Well, our cops seem to be scared to talk to bideshis in English or any other bideshi languages or try to understand what they are saying. 

Our cops managed to get hold of gold worth millions of dollars recently but still can't figure out who was the mastermind behind it.  Or maybe bideshis are a lot smarter than us and know how to play the game better.

A blue-plated vehicle can park anywhere, hit someone and get away with it. Our DIG Saheb who is more than likely to be our IGP in a year should crack down on buying and selling of blue-plated vehicles among our bidhesi friends who are neither diplomats nor have anything to do with any work that allows you to drive around in a blue-plated vehicle. 

If you are a Nepali restaurant owner then expect the cops to come to your establishment, harass you and your guests and threaten to take you to jail for a night. 

If you are a bideshi, then the cops will just wait outside till you close your place and won't say much because they are intimidated by other bideshis hanging around and when they see a dozen of blue-plated vehicles outside then they must think that Amriki President Trump and his entourage was here.

Once again,  Trump has shown the world that he loves to give nicknames to friends and foes and he is hell bent on putting Amrika first and the rest of us can take a hike. When will we have a politician who talks about putting 'Nepali First' instead of bowing down and kissing our chimekis' arses for their own self-interest. 

Trump has called  Lil' Kim a Rocket Man who is on a suicide mission whereas Lil' Kim has now fired back and is calling Trump a crazy old person. Well, Trump is a senior citizen and he is crazy in many ways but when will our politicians get nicknames from other world leaders or even from their own band of thieves here at home? 

Well, Oli is our national comedian. Prachanda is our Emperor and Deuba is a Maharaja while Dr. Saheb maybe smarty pants but if Trump had his way then our politicians would be called a jack ass, a flip-flopper, a jerk or sons of seedless cucumbers or even worse. For now, Dotard has challenged Rocket Man for a fight. 

Thank God, we are at least a few miles away from Lil' Kim but we have to be ready when our chimekis challenge each other for the 'Nuke Games' in the future. It's about time, we go nuclear as well! We may not have the brains to build a bomb for now but even talking about the idea of building one will at least make Trump send us a Dashain greeting!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Welcome to Amrika

Our Maharaja Sheroo Dai is leaving for New York after he is done celebrating 'Constitution Day' here at home. Yes, our Prime Monster and thulo mancheys need a vacation every other month to refresh themselves so that they can always come back home and come up with new ideas to loot the state and everyone else while making their near and dear ones happy. 

It seems that our netas and civil servants are neither inspired nor motivated to bring changes to our land after visiting other countries. Look how the Chinese and the Indians have fared since the 1990s. If we had just followed their formula and stayed on the path, we would probably be doing better instead of forcing millions of our folks to work overseas for peanuts and in pitiable conditions.  

It seems that only manpower agencies have made billions in this land and those who own these companies get to be mantris and even Ambassadors.  After all, this is the land where a few Karods will help to make you a Constipated Assembly member, get you lucrative postings if you are a civil servant and even be the top hakim saheb if you can dole out more. 

Our Kangaroos and the Unidentified Mundrey Leaders blame the Maoist for burning everything up then. But let us not forget that the comrades didn't start the fire. It was always burning and they just wanted a bigger bonfire and that’s about it. 

Today, we are here where our comrades and the Kangaroos are now partners. Politics is a dirty game but if we were to learn from our politicians then we would all forget and forgive our neighbors for stealing a few paisa of our land by building the wall without our permission. The world should learn from our politicians. Maybe our netas could even help resolve the conflicts in the Middle East. 

I think our Maharaja Deuba and Emperor Prachanda could win the Nobel Peace Prize for finally uniting the Koreans. These two magicians can show the North and South Koreans how to work it out. After all, it's all about the money.  But of course, Lil' Kim has more money than our Emperor while politicians in South Korea can get more dough from the byaparis than our politicians here!  

But, our two clowns can at least try and show the world that even Nepalis can help bring peace in the world even if we can't do it in our own land and we don't always need the Amrikis or the Scandinavians to sort things out for us or the world!

It’s about time our incompetent government cut down on public holidays instead of celebrating the day when our Shree Tins left  the building and the day when they hung our martyrs and the day Gyanu Uncle gave up or the day when we became a Republic. Why not save us a few million Rupees if we just had one day to celebrate this beautiful land of ours. 

For now, that would not be possible but we can at least ask this corrupt and incompetent government to just celebrate 'Nepal' Day instead of celebrating the day we had our half-baked constitution and why should we keep on celebrating each and every peoples' movement? The Ranas are long gone. Let us not keep on blaming them for all the mess! Kids these days don't know much about the House of Shah and the Pancheys. 

Let us stop blaming the House of Shah for all our problems now.   And in a decade or two, nobody will be talking about our Emperor and his so-called 'war' against the system and how we finally became a Republic. By 2030, we will probably have our own twenty-four kingdoms and then we can celebrate our own national days then.

Our Prime Monster will be in New York next week. He will meet President Trump like other world leaders, do the 30-second photo-op natak, grab a bite or two and that’s about it. The last time he met with an Amriki President, he managed to get some dough to fight against our comrades then. This time, he can ask for some dough from Trump again. Just tell the Amriki President that we need the dough to build a wall for ourselves as well. 

Prime Monster Deuba will address the UN General Assembly and he will also seek support from other countries in our effort to get a seat at the UN Human Rights Council for the coming term. Whom are we kidding? Deuba and Prachanda have still not apologized for the violation of human rights of Nepalis during the so-called civil war. The security forces and our comrades were both involved in killing and torturing common folks as well. 

Yes, the war is long over. But not much has changed for the common folks. Why is it so hard for our chors to ask for forgiveness and reach out to the families affected by the actions of our security forces and the comrades as well?

Our netas can't even get it right and we are still waiting for our commissions to set things right by helping the victims of the conflict and making sure that the violators are held responsible for their crimes. Our netas are in power and they don't care about our courts but the world is watching. 

We may not have the courage to send them to prison today, but someday they will have to face the music. We will have honest politicians then and our civil servants will do their job right and follow the Supreme Court's orders to punish the guilty and who knows maybe the international courts will finally see the light as well! 

Deuba is our Prime Monster again and his number one enemy then is his best friend today. And our Maharaja doesn't care if he violates the laws of the land and keeps on increasing the size of his cabinet. Yes, one out of ten fools is now a mantri. 

Why not just make all of our CA members mantris before they leave the building and we can all provide them perks, vehicles and other chiya kharcha for life. After all, that's the only reason our chors wanted to get into politics. They want to make a quick buck and those who can't want a pension and other perks. Long Live The Republic!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

100 days of incompetence!

Our great Mayor of Kathmandu, Bidya Sundar Dai  has completed his hundred days in office. If our Mayor had his way then he would not have hesitated to spend some bucks to buy Kathmanduites a slice of cake each to celebrate the occasion.

  

But that would be wasteful spending, wouldn’t it? Yes, buying something for the residents of Kathmandu Metropolitan City is wrong but wanting to buy mobile phones worth more than thirty thousand Rupees for ward chairpersons is right. And our Mayor was not happy with a luxury vehicle worth millions used by the Chief Executive then and had to buy a new one because he had to match the status symbol of being the Mayor of Kathmandu! 

I think our civil servants and politicians sometimes forget that we are one of the poorest countries in the world and it is because of them our passport get no respect at immigration counters everywhere. 

No wonder, even our own immigration people extort and exploit folks who carry the green passport and want to go overseas to make a few Ringgits and Dinars. So when we all know that we really don't have much dough, why do our sarkari hakims and chor netas continue to want new vehicles for themselves when they can do with the old ones their government agencies have in office?

We, the people thought that things would now change and we would finally get our local representatives to work for us after the local elections but it seems that we have gotten ourselves the same bunch of conniving buffoons to head our local units as well. We were wrong because we elected the chors from the major political parties instead of giving new political parties or independent candidates any chance to lead us at the local level. 

Bidya Sundar Dai is our great 'Dreamer' Oli's brother in law. It certainly helped to get a ticket to stand up for election for Mayor and he won. Then, he either was suffering from hallucinations from the fumes in the valley or had abused some narcotic substance when he went on to promise us that he would complete 101 tasks in 100 days after he took the oath as the Mayor of Kathmandu.

Instead of fixing potholes in the city, our Mayor told us that it would be wasteful spending in the Monsoon to fix our roads. Yes, he was right and even when our kids die or get injured due to the open sewage holes, our Mayor was silent and did not care much. He was probably busy trying to figure out how to make some moolah with government contracts to our slimy contractors in the future. 

Our Mayor promised us that he would make the capital city, a smart, green and beautiful place to live. Well, we all know that it is not possible to do much in hundred days but he should have at least started somewhere. Our Metropolitan City still can't manage its garbage problems.  

Our Mayor promised to raise the social security allowance to Rs 12,000 to folks above the age of 84. First of all, if you get past the age of 80 these days while living in Kathmandu then you should invite researchers from Harvard to see if these folks have a different type of genes from the rest of us. 

And instead of only doling out cash to our super-senior citizens, why not offer freebies on everything from housing, travel, medical treatment and even recreational and religious activities as well. 

Yes, a free pilgrimage to Vanarasi, Mecca, Jerusalem, the Vatican or Lumbini to our 80-year olds depending on their religious affiliation. Now, that would be great gift to our super men and women! What happens if you are an atheist? Well, send him or her to Disneyland instead!

Why not make our capital city a free WiFi Zone instead of only a few places around town? We know that we will not have well maintained roads or sewage or even drinking water system for another few years but at least give Kathmanduites free WiFi so that they can at least take the pictures of the city and send it to the Mayor himself.  

How about a Selfie right next to a big pothole that looks like a mini-asteriod hit Kathmandu? How about showing our motorbike wallahs riding through big sewage and water pipes laying idle on our roads? 

We could even promote our capital city as a trekking destination because you do need tough boots, walking sticks, ropes and other climbing essentials like helmets and harness just to make sure that you can walk around the city without falling into deathtraps.

So, Mayor Shakya forget about smart city or mono rail or cable car or turning our capital into Seoul.  Just stop procrastinating and get down to business by first cleaning up the city, fixing our potholes, managing our traffic and then making sure pedestrians have a place to walk, our bicycle wallahs have their own lanes and so do the bus wallahs. Maybe, we should even have a separate lane for our motorcycle riders as well. 

We don't need metro rail either. Maybe, our Mayor can even work with our DIG Saheb to minimize the traffic problems in the capital. Why not make all of our roads go one-way and ban vehicles around our heritage sites and major tourist attractions? You don't need to spend billions to make this city clean, green and great.  Our Mayor should not compare himself to the Mayor of other major cities in the world. 

They have enough budget and resources to tackle their problems. We don't and it's about time our Mayor took to the streets and used the kucho to clean an alley every day for at least half an hour and then work as a traffic volunteer during rush hour to help our traffic police for an hour or two. 

Then, he can ask Kathmanduites to help him in his effort to bring Kathmandu back to normal instead of letting our beautiful Kathmandu wither and die! Don't expect us to clean your stubble while you live in a bubble, Mr. Mayor!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

The Most Powerful Person (MPP)

We all know of our Very Very Irritating Persons (VVIPs) who get free vehicles, security, fuel and chiya kharcha from the State while they continue to loot the state treasury, extort from our civil servants and contractors and continue to exploit the common folks for their own self interest. But our media should start some kind of a ranking system for our most powerful person (MPP) in this land of ours.  So who is the most powerful person in our land? 

We have a President who is our commander in chief of the Army and her job is to cut ribbons, meet foreign dignitaries and enjoy the state perks while doing nothing to make sure that our netas follow the rule of law and resolve the political crisis in the country. 

We have a Prime Monster who goes to India and tells our Modi Bhai that he will do everything possible to amend our constitution as if he alone wrote the constitution and does not need to bring any of our other chors on board to amend it. 

Our bideshi Ambassadors seem to have more power in our land than anywhere in the world.  It seems that they can come to the homes of our so-called top politicians and drink some chiya and either threaten them with no more funds or flatter them with more slush funds for their election campaigns depending on where our netas stand on matters that may help the bideshis!

A year ago, Lokman , the superhero who headed the CIAA was the most powerful person in Nepal. He was busy having fun extorting our civil servants and blackmailing even our corrupt politicians. It was okay to go after our small fishes and sarkari hakim sahebs but in this land, if you touch our politicians then it’s time to go home.  

And in this land of ours, everything has a price. Don’t worry if you are corrupt and the CIAA wallahs find out about your ill-gotten wealth. Just pay the chiya kharcha to the hakim sahebs at the CIAA and you will get a clean chit. If you don’t pay then you will go to jail, your bank accounts and assets will be frozen and your family will have to suffer. 

If you are willing to share the loot then you won’t get the boot and your family can still show off at parties and enjoy the life of luxury. And everybody will forget about how much you looted and things will go back to normal next Dashain. And it seems that some of our corrupt folks would rather go to jail, spend a few years reading newspapers inside the prison and then go home without having to pay back all the ill-gotten wealth except a meager fine. 

Lokman could have been our savior if he had gathered all the evidence against our crooked netas and charged them with corruption but he just wanted to have fun making money for himself and his friends. He didn’t only go after civil servants but also after folks who had written about his character and why it was a disgrace for the country to have a corrupt civil servant heading an anti-corruption agency.  

We must ask our politicians of today why they agreed to appoint such a low-life fool in the first place? So, when our politicians talked about changing the old and giving us something new what they meant was getting rid of the old players and old vehicles while buying new vehicles for themselves and making their new friends and near and dear ones richer at the expense of the public.  

But I guess when it came to Lokman, they wanted him back because he made a deal with the chors on matters we seem to have no clue about.

Our former Chief Justice Sushila Auntie tells us that our civil society groups should unite and fight against the corrupt system instead of trying to kiss the ass of our political parties. Yes, some of us do want to be a Vice-Chancellor at TU or a dean or an Ambassador. 

But I guess most of our so-called intellectuals seem to forget or either ignore the fact that if they continue to be silent and let the corrupt govern us without accountability then one day, they will suffer as well.  

There will come a day when you will end up in gulags and be exiled for speaking about freedom, rule of law and trying to fight against the corrupt system. You will face torture for being an intellectual and only the thieves and murderers will get to enjoy the facilities of the State while the rest of us will just continue to live miserable lives. 

So who is the most powerful person in Nepal right now? It seems that our MD of Nepal Oil Corporation, Gopal Dai is currently ranked number one and he sees no reason of losing his ranking till Dashain. Where on Earth does the corrupt file a defamation suit against our media wallahs for calling a chor a chor? 

Gopal Dai has sought Rs 800 million in damages. We all are wondering how this corrupt hakim sahib has not been investigated by the CIAA yet. It does help when your cousin is heading the CIAA and you are untouchable because you have been offering chiya kharcha to the mantris and our netas all these years. 

It really doesn’t matter to our government when the media investigates  and even finds out about the corruption by our government agencies. The government does not take any action because our mantris are all involved. Even the sons of our politicians seem to be involved in all major deals in this country. It’s good to be the princelings in Nepal.

It’s about time our civil society wallahs woke up from coma and took to the streets and also encourage all of us to join them in the fight against the wild looting by our chors. We all took to the streets to tell our then King to step down and give us back our rights. It’s now time to take to the streets again to tell our mini-Maharajs to either work together to help us all or to pack up and leave.  

Our country will be far better off if three thousand corrupt netas, hakim sahebs and byaparis leave this land for good while we welcome back our three million hardworking folks who are overseas working in miserable conditions just to save a few Dinars for their loved ones.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com