Yoga for all!

Let us all congratulate our King Deuba for finally moving to Baluwatar at five in the morning.  Maybe this is the first time His Majesty has woken up this early in his life. But one has to follow the planetary charts or else be condemned to hell. And Deuba is also busy making sure all the Vastu stuff is right in his official residence and in Singha Durbar as well. 

Maybe Deuba should also send his astrologer to Amrika and the guy can give some advice to Trump so that he can stop tweeting, ranting and dismantling everything.

If all our politicians hired Deuba's astrologers then we would not really have any traffic jam in the city.  We need more astrologers like them so that our netas can travel only before five in the morning or after midnight. 

It will also save us a few Rupees of our taxpayers' money since we won't have to pay over-time or mobilize hundreds of cops to take care of the traffic and security for our loafers!

Deuba is already back to his old tricks. Our Election Commissioners wanted luxury vehicles and when the government secretary thought it was a bad idea, they went to Deuba and the civil servant got transferred. Why do our hakim sahebs and netas need luxury vehicles that guzzle petrol like water? Why can't they ask for electric vehicles instead? 

But of course you need luxury vehicles so that you can drop your kids to school, take your wife for some shopping and when Saturdays come, you can take your whole family out for some fun! Life is beautiful for those in power and who have no shame to misuse their authority to drain our national coffer!

And Deuba is here and our netas should be happy because in a few months, he will come up with something to increase the perks for being a Constipated Assembly (CA) lawbreaker. Happy days are here again for our clowns! 

The second phase of the local elections is here. In a few days,  our brothers and sisters will once again vote to elect their mayors, ward chairperson and other local representatives except for the unlucky folk in province 2 who will have to wait till September or even more. Let us hope that our government will be successful in holding the elections again and we pray that we will not witness violence or tearing of ballot papers! 

And we should also remind our voters that they should either carry an umbrella, a raincoat or wear gum boots because once it starts raining then they will have to deal with floods in the plains and landslides in the hills. For our folks in the hilly regions, maybe it would be wise if everybody carried a shovel with them while on their way to the polls because our government will not be prepared to deal with any disasters during the monsoon season. We should all take care of ourselves because the chors and civil servants will not!

Deuba has been busy doing nothing. Well, he participated in a Yoga camp and seems that he is now a changed man.  Deuba could finish a bottle or two of foreign whiskey at one go a decade ago but now he seems to have stopped drinking. He must be trying hard to quit smoking as well. 

Now, he tells us that yoga should be taught to students because it has mental and physical benefits and connects the heart and the brain to make us all a better person. Let us all hope that Deuba will be a big Yoga buff in the coming days and he will use his new-found energy to win the hearts and minds of the common folks as well as his fellow chors!

I think most of our public school teachers should also participate in yoga camps so that they too will turn out to be  better  human beings. Thousands of teachers in government schools have resigned and are now standing up for local elections. Many of our politicians who are now so-called top leaders in their parties used to be school teachers in the past. 

But it seems that the teachers who join politics and become our netas have never taken any moral science classes when they were kids. How can the same teachers who become politicians feel no pain when they direct their cadres to burn down public property and even kill those who hold opposing views?

Or maybe  our teachers should stick to teaching kids and making them productive citizens of this nation instead of joining politics and screwing up the future of the youth while they loot the country and force our young ones to go overseas to be exploited. 

Deuba is right when he also tells us that yoga helps a person to get rid of bad habits and gives one pleasure. Maybe, it should be mandatory for all our civil servants and chor netas to wake up at 5 am in the morning and do yoga for at least an hour every day. 

Yes, all corrupt fools should gather at Tundikhel every morning, sign in the attendance register, do their yoga thing and then who knows, we might finally get competent and hardworking civil servants and politicians with courage and vision.  

If not then we might have to ask Ram Dev to come back to the capital, and organize a yoga-cum-anti-corruption-camp until he gets laathi-charged by our cops as well. 

We do not want bidhesis interfering in our internal affairs but it seems that we have no choice but to ask the Desis, Chinese and other Bidhesis to issue a traval ban on all netas and civil servants in this land. If these clowns can’t travel abroad to waste our money then they might at least stay home and do their homework instead!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Postpone till Eternity

King Deuba has been our Prime Monster for more than a week and he has not moved to Baluwatar yet.  This man seems to be totally dependent on his astrologers when it comes to making any decisions in his life. Maybe we should just ask one of his guru to shift to Baluwatar and run this country. It could save us a whole lot of our taxpayers money. 

I hope Deuba has not been seeking advice from the same astrologers from the time when he was fired by Gyanu Uncle for being incompetent and not holding elections then. But Deuba has nothing to worry about because nobody is going to fire him this time. 

Deuba really believes in Vastu stuff and some of us do as well but maybe he forgets that he is once again our Prime Monster and his decisions will make or break this country.

Our politicians seem to have no idea about the costs related to holding elections. Instead of carrying out the local elections at the same time, our Emperor decided that it would be best if we did it in two phases. Well, that was fine but now King Deuba does not know how to move forward.

Our incompetent government tells us that the local elections in three provinces will be held on June 28 while we will have local elections in Province 2 on September 18th. Once again, Deuba's astrologers seem to have been busy doing their math and coming up with the auspicious dates instead of asking experts, security chiefs and civil servants for advice on how to wrap up our local elections.

The Election Commission (EC) wallahs have already told our Prime Monster that it is not good idea to postpone local elections again. But our politicians only have ears for contractors, con artists and cadres while civil servants only have their say if they are able to provide kickbacks to our netas. 

We all know that the second phase of the local elections will face problems and our Home Ministry has to be fully prepared to make sure that they are able to contain any volatile situations. 

And we will probably witness vandalism and tearing up the ballot papers in many of the places during the second phase. Yes, thank you comrades for inspiring losers to tear up the ballot papers! 

And our Madhesi netas are not happy with the government's decision to postpone the local elections in Province 2 either. They just want the government to amend the constitution and will not participate in the local elections until that happens. 

So, what will Deuba do on September 18th? He will have no choice but to postpone again and again till he once again proves himself to be an incompetent  moron!

So how do we make those opposing the local elections in Province 2 happy? Well, Deuba is a player and he knows the system very well. He should now work hard to make sure he gets all the funds from our byaparis, foreign embassies and other con artists. Yes, buy our opposing players  out! After all, Deuba is good at it. Offer them not boras but truck-load full of cash or buy them apartments in the West for their kids! 

Our ruling coalition tells us that they have no choice but to defer the poll so that they can bring the opposing parties on board and help end the Madhes crisis. We all know that most of the Madhesi netas who are opposed to the local polls are the ones who could not win during the CA elections last time around. 

And they know very well that they are not likely to win this time either but they too have no choice but to act like they are fighting for the rights of the Madhesi people just to save face. 

The reality is these chors have done nothing for Madhes when they were in power except misuse their authority, earn ill-gotten wealth and slap a few civil servants around for not providing them government vehicles when visiting their districts. Well, let us not blame only our Madhesi parties? Our other chors are the same and who really cares about the people anyway?

The Rastriya Janata Party tells us that they will do everything possible to obstruct the elections in the three provinces if the constitution is not amended. 

Well, we have yet to thank them for the blockade last year. We should also thank our government for not filing cases against those involved in murdering our police personnel in Tikapur. Yes, it seems that only lives of our politicians and their cadres matter in this land of ours and for the rest of us, we do not even exist at all!

King Deuba has promised us that he will be the man to wrap up the elections natak. Now, it seems that this buffoon can't even hold the second phase of the local elections on time and how can we be certain that his government will be able to conduct the provincial and parliamentary elections on time?  

Deuba will make a bundle this time again. He really doesn't care about elections at all. He is not worried about his legacy and how history will judge him. Our politicians' motto must be 'loot while you can' because you never know when you will get the chance again to sit on the Kurchi.  

Maybe, we should just request Deuba's astrologers to forget about the stars and the moons. Just tell the Prime Monster to do the right thing for once so that we can forgive him for all his screw-ups in the past two decades that has brought this country to  where it is today.  Deuba, be a giver not a taker! Deuba, be a brave lion not a leech! May Arzoo Didi help us all!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Sheroo Returns!

Our country's most competent and honorable person, Sher Bahadur Deuba is back in the game. And for those who thought 'New Nepal' would bring great changes in this country can all shake their heads in disbelief and wonder why we are still governed by the same bunch of corrupt clowns since the 1990s ? 

Well, we did manage to see what our Emperor and Dr Saheb were capable of but they too couldn't do much. Well, Dr Saheb did manage to widen the roads here and there and our Emperor did his best to fire the Army Chief then, failed and then came back and tried to get the Chief Justice impeached and failed again. Well, he did manage to hold the first phase of the local elections and we should at least congratulate him for that. 

It seems that this man from Dadeldhura is one lucky politician. He can get away with anything and gets to sit on the top kurchi every now and then. Don't be surprised if he once gain becomes our Prime Monster in 2020. After all, he has been our PM in every decade since the 90s. 

When he was our Home Minister more than two and half decades ago, he interfered with the service provision and helped Motilal Bohra to become our IGP. 

Then he reduced the service provision from 32 to 30 years and now Nepal Police is having problems as it seems that SSPs will get to the top seat in a year or two without much experience as DIGs and AIGs.  It seems that nepotism and boras of cash helps our civil servants to reach the top while merit and hard work will get you nowhere.

And recently, Deuba was the man who once again interfered in the promotion of IGP by trying his best to make his man from the Far-West our police chief. Well, that didn't happen and then he asked our Emperor to help him impeach the Chief Justice. Well, that didn't happen as well but it clearly shows that Deuba will do anything to destroy our public institutions for his own self-interest and it is more than likely that he will not stop now. 

Our incompetent government has yet to fill the vacant AIG positions even after Prakash Aryal became our IGP a while ago. Our politicians believe in sharing is caring but only when it comes to power and positions in our government agencies. If you have a few Karods then you can become our CA member or be an ambassador or even head our government agencies. 

No wonder, our  Chudamani Sharma got to stay at the Inland Revenue Department for four years. It didn't make any difference to him who was in power. He had the ability to share the loot and made our Finance Ministers and other politicians rich while he too is reported to be worth billions of Rupees as well. 

And it seems that whenever our high-profile folks get arrested, they fall ill and get to stay in hospitals. Let's hope someday we will have a civil servant who when caught by the CIAA will be ready to spill the beans and provide evidence of giving kickbacks to our politicians. 

Deuba can make deals with anybody to make some dough and share power. The whole country was surprised when he joined hands with our Emperor so that our Renu Didi would be our mayor in Bharatpur. But let's see what happens in Chitwan. Boras of cash will change hands and hopefully Deuba and our Emperor can once again prove us all right that you need lots of bank notes to win votes in this country.

Now,  Deuba is our 40th Prime Monster and gets to live in Baluwatar for the fourth time. And let us all hope that Deuba will do his best to make sure that our lawmakers are well-fed, well-dressed and please offer them tax-free luxury vehicles before we are done with our Constipated Assembly nataks as well!

Deuba is a lucky man. For those who believe that you need to be a great communicator to be a politician, Deuba has proven them wrong. You can mumble your way to the top and keep on reaching the summit numerous times not by winning the hearts and the minds of the people but winning the votes from your fellow lawmakers in the House.  

Nobody really understands what Deuba says but he is a great manipulator and is known to help anyone who will help him to stay in power. The only folks who are happy that he is now our Prime Monster are his brother-in-law, who will probably make millions and even billions from commissions from deals here and there and his near and dear ones who will also get to have some fun while he works hard to make sure that the government find ways to waste our taxpayers money.

Nothing has changed since the 1990s. It seems that in the past three decades, only politicians have gotten richer while the rest of us have been forced to leave the country so that we can make a few Dinars more. 

Our civil servants, contractors and con artists have also helped the politicians to enjoy the loot while the common folks have yet to enjoy the resources and opportunities we thought we would receive in this great republic of Nepal! Long Live King Deuba! 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

The Second Phase

Somebody needs to remind our incompetent government that in a week or two, we will be enjoying the monsoon season and it would be better if our Election Commission (EC) wallahs also asked our corrupt chors to set aside some money to hand out umbrellas to those voting in the second phase of the local elections. But that could violate some of our Election Code of Conduct because the person who gets the umbrella symbol might get a few more votes than expected.

Our incompetent government had earlier decided to hold the second phase of the local elections on June 14. Then it was rescheduled to June 23 but then our Muslim community reminded our chors that it would cause them inconvenience because the month-long Ramadan festival concludes on that day. 

It's good that our government has decided to then reschedule the polls for June 28 but it seems that some of our political parties will never be happy and would rather sulk and throw tantrums instead of accepting the fact that if you want to run the show then you have to stand up for election and win and show us what you can do for the people!

Maybe, we should just wait until the monsoon season is over and hold the second phase of the elections in the first week of September. The weather will be at least a few degrees cooler and our brothers and sisters in the hills and the plains would not have to deal with landslides, floods and what not. 

But of course, our government doesn't care. The people in power seem to be ignorant and make decisions based on some late-night drinking session with other chors instead of listening to our experts!

It seems that our Emperor really wants his daughter to win in Chitwan. Let us all congratulate those folks who tore up the ballot papers for showing us that even after a decade of joining the so-called mainstream politics, some of our comrades still behave like that they are back in the jungle. Well, the rule of the jungle is different than the rule of law. 

In the jungle, you are the King and it’s either your way or you just get rid of your opponents. But when you are now part of the political game then you should also learn to accept defeat or if you are worried about losing then make a quick deal with your opponents with boras of cash rather than acting like savages and tearing up ballot papers to make a fool of yourself.

Our Emperor's daughter favors re-polling at Ward No 19 while the UML thinks they are better off with counting the votes while the EC wallahs have no idea what to do. Either they are scared of our Emperor or if they can't decide what to do then just ask our Chief Justice! 

Everybody expected the Bharatpur race to be tight and it’s about time our comrades from both parties sit down together and do what's right instead of sticking to their own demands.  Our comrades who tore up the ballot papers will not be prosecuted. They will be home in a few days because that's how our system works. 

This is the same country where a high-ranking police officer and his men are lynched and those involved in the murders get a free pass because the incident is termed political. It seems that in the name of politics, you can kill anybody and get away with it. No wonder, most of our political parties hire mundreys during elections and even have criminals heading their youth organizations.

We will never be able to get over the so-called civil war that witnessed the death of tens of thousands of folks. Our security personnel and our comrades involved in murder, abduction and torture will never be prosecuted. 

Our Emperor and his friend who embezzled tons of money meant for former combatants will never have to pay back the dough to the State and will not be punished for their nataks either. And our King Deuba who has amassed billions of Rupees in ill-gotten wealth will get to be our Prime Monster again and will continue to enjoy looting us all without having to worry about spending another day in jail again. 

This is not 'New Nepal', this is the same old Nepal but we don't have the Shree Paanch or the Shree Tins, we now have the Shree Aaath where a bunch of chors get to rule the country every nine months and share the loot!

The new Mayor of Kathmandu Metropolitan City and other elected representatives have come up with a 11-point decision to make the capital great again. Mayor Shakya thinks the 'Clean the City' campaign will help to make this city beautiful again. Well, that's great and yes it is nice to hear that we will have free-WiFi around the city but we still don't know what he means when he says that Kathamndu will be a '24-hour Open City'. 

Does that mean, we will have dance bars and night clubs running round the clock which will only benefit the mundrey dons who operate such establishments and our cops who get chiya kharcha from them or does that mean, we will have buses running all-night and our cops will be patrolling our streets till early morning instead of getting drunk by eleven and be out of sight before midnight? 

Well, let us hope our great comedian Oli's brother-in-law will fulfill Oli's dream of connecting gas pipelines to each home and Kathmandu will get a metro-rail and our roads will no longer be dusty and we will have 24-hour water and our sewages will be managed and we can all swim in the Bagmati River by the time our Mayor is done with his first term in office!  

Let us hope our government will be able to hold the second phase of the local elections and finally, our brothers and sisters in other provinces will also get their local representatives as well. And what about Bharatpur? Well, Renu Didi and Devi ji could make a deal and share the commissions on all thekka-pattas in the municipality. After all, that's where the money is!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com