GPS for our Parasites!

Our Department of Tourism plans to track climbers with a GPS device this season so that those who tell us that they have climbed Everest are not faking it. 

Yes, we had a bideshi couple who nearly fooled us last year with their conquest of Everest but they should have asked a Photoshop expert to do it right but they failed and have been barred for climbing our mountains anytime soon.  Yes, it's not easy to climb Everest or even other peaks in our land. 

But our Crown Prince did it and even managed to elope with the other comrade's wife.  Our Kollywood actress even climbed Everest. It may sound easy as if it's like hiking to Shivapuri or Pulchowki but it's not unless you get a very experienced Sherpa guide who will literally walk you to Everest and back. 

But of course our Sherpa brothers and sisters don't get all the credit and risk their lives for a few thousand dollars while our trekking agencies and bideshi expedition wallahs make most of the dough!

The GPS device will also help to track climbers who go missing or are involved in any accidents up there. I think that would really help our rescue teams when searching for our stranded climbers. 

But let’s hope that our sarkari hakims won't be buying cheap GPS devices that don't work at all or will stop working in less than a year. 

After all our corrupt government tends to buy the cheapest product around, take tons of commission from the vendors and then stop using it after it breaks down. Look at our Traffic Police! The breathalyzers don't work anymore and they have gone back to almost French-kissing the potential MaPaSe candidates.

I think that's a great idea and it's about time we had such GPS devices for our politicians as well. We really need to track our parasites so that we all know where they are going, whom do they meet and if they go missing, we can at least track them and bring them back to the House when it's time to vote for the amendments to our constitution. 

Our parasites love to visit foreign lands and if they can't then visit foreign embassies in town and have lunch or chiya with our bideshi ambassadors. It seems that the foreign envoys seem to have more power in this land than in other countries. We have a new Desi Ambassador in town.  

Let us hope he will invite our politicians for Tandoori Chicken and Whiskey and maybe even organize a 'Bhangra Nite' for our low-life loafers. Yes, only bideshis can help us to help our politicians to loosen up, be themselves and help each other to move this country forward. And our parasites only listen to the bideshis because that's where the dough is. 

We all know that most of our politicians and civil servants get special chiya kharcha from our bideshi embassies. Some favor Masala Dosa while others choose Dumplings and some of our politicians prefer pancakes from the Amriki Embassy while the rest want baked beans from the British or other cakes from Scandinavian countries.

The local election fever is slowly heating up. Some of our cynics tell us that there won't be any local elections. Some of our experts tell us that our incompetent government has no choice but to go forward with it and maybe carry out in phases so that our security wallahs do have the adequate resources and time to take care of our volatile regions. 

And it seems that ours is the only country where we have factions within the factions in our political parties. And instead of being united and fighting the election against their opponents, they would rather fight among themselves. 

Only one person will get the ticket from a political party to stand up for election to be our Mayor or Ward Chairperson but there will be a dozen candidates vying for that ticket. And the rest who will not get the ticket will be pissed off and will do everything possible to make sure that the person from their own party loses the election. 

Our political games are not about how to do good for this country. It's only about their big ego and our politicians work hard to prevent this country from moving forward because they don't get the ministry or don't get to be number two in the government or don't get any chiya kharcha from the so-called top leaders. 

We don't know what works for our politicians. Ram Dev Baba and his breathing techniques have not helped at all. Sri Sri Sri Ravi Shankar visits our land every now and then but our politicians have yet to learn any of his 'good life' techniques either. 

And it won't help even if we invite any Buddhist, Christian, Muslim or Jain religious leader to visit our land and preach to our parasites. These buffoons will never change. It's about time our bideshi envoys stopped providing them cash or scholarships to their children or any other support to inflate their ego!

And let us hope that our local elections will be carried out successfully and we must all make sure that we go out there and vote. And it's about time, we stopped electing he same bunch of thieves. 

I think it's about time to vote for an independent candidate who doesn't have any money or muscles and no backing from any of our major mundrey parties. We must show our parasites that we are no longer fools and we won't be taken for granted as always. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Our Emperor goes to China!

Our Emperor is now in China, hoping to enjoy some dumplings while he is on a week-long vacation. I think our so-called leaders only want to join politics because they can take a foreign trip now and then, and waste our taxpayers' money while hanging out with bideshis which rarely brings any benefit to the nation.

Last year, our national comedian KP Oli was in China for a week where he signed a 10-point deal. A year later, our magician is back in the mainland to curry favor with the Chinese. Hope he has brought some gifts from back home to impress them!

The Chinese must be tired of having to deal with a new Prime Monster every other year. Our incompetent government tells us that we won't be signing any new deals with China this time. Our Emperor will be in the land of the Last Emperor to clear misunderstanding with our chimeki and work to implement the past agreements instead.

Our government has failed to make any progress on the agreements signed last year and our Emperor tells us that he will use his magic tricks to create a 'trustworthy environment' with the Chinese. 

Will our Emperor perform in a Chinese Opera? Or will he take the Chinese leaders out on a night of drinks and Karaoke and sign songs in Mandarin and impress the comrades there?

So how will our Emperor clear the misunderstandings between our two nations? We don't know but he and his spouse should first take a crash course on diplomatic protocol and etiquette to at least show the Chinese that we do have style and know how to carry ourselves in foreign lands.

Where are our Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MoFA) folks? Instead of talking with former Prime Monsters, ministers and other so-called experts, our Prime Monster should have spent a day at the MoFA and learn some tips and tricks to flatter the Chinese.

The Chinese communist leaders all tend to wear black suit, white shirt and dye their hair black. And no, we have yet to see any comrades wearing the 'Mao' suit these days. 

So, even if our Emperor is a Maoist, the Chinese really don't care. Mao is still the great leader there but the Chinese Communist Party has moved on. Maybe, our Emperor should just drop the 'Mao' tag and call himself a 'Chinese Communist' and could win some brownie points from our chimeki!

Our Emperor should have purchased at least a few black suits, dyed his hair and moustache pitch black before heading to China. Our Foreign Ministry wallahs should also have taught a few lines of Mandarin to our Emperor. 

At least, when meeting China's top leaders, he could blurt out some memorized lines in Mandarin like 'I am glad to be here' and 'Please give me some dough to win elections so that I can pay back the favor in the future' or just plain 'hello'!

We should also kindly request Sita Auntie not to paltey-kushing on a sofa when meeting world leaders unless you are teaching the other head of state some yoga techniques. And to always smile for the camera and nod your head in agreement when someone is speaking to you even though you have no idea what the other person is saying. 

And when it comes to handshakes, our Emperor should not go for the 'Trump' style where you grab the other person's hand and suddenly pull him or her towards you as if you are saving someone from drowning. 

Our Emperor's handshake is a little different. He grabs the other person's hand and starts shaking it vigorously without letting to go for quite some time. That’s not right either, unless it's your old friend from Rampur Campus and he owes you the Two Rupees you lent him back in the day. 

Just shake Xi's hand firmly, look him in the eye, smile,tell him that you want to kiss his ass so that you can get some funds for your party and let go.

Our Emperor will fit pretty well in China. The Chinese love banquets and drinking and our Emperor should enjoy a bottle of Baijiu in one go. He should also bring home a bottle or two and place it in his collection along with other bideshi raksis!  

Yes, our man needs a break and why not waste our taxpayers money by visiting a foreign land while ignoring the tasks at hand at home? 

We hear that he will meet with the Chinese Emperor Xi for less than 15 minutes. Well, we all get our 15 minutes of fame, don't we?  What will our Emperor do to impress Xi in quarter of an hour? Nothing. Xi will tell through his interpreter that China wants peace, progress and development. Our Emperor will nod his head and tell Xi that all is well is in our land. 

But our chimekis know better. Instead of peace, our politicians are sharing a piece of the loot among themselves. Instead of progress, we are moving backwards and let us not be surprised if we go back to the 24 kingdoms in a decade or two. And let us not even talk about development. We buy electricity from India. We spend more than Rs 13 in imports for each Rupee we export. 

Our incompetent government can't even work out with the Chinese to open our borders. We don't even let our own folks develop our hydropower sector. Our politicians and bureaucrats have bled this country dry. When will we all come together and stop the bleeding?

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Another New Party !

We have hundreds of political parties in the country but only a dozen participate in the 'Power Games' and only a handful get to be part of a government at a time and help themselves with the loot. Yes, gather 10,000 signatures, file your registration at the Election Commission and start your own political party. 

If you are lucky and somehow manage to get at least one seat in the House be it directly-elected or through the PR system, then you can even be a mantri but ony if you are willing to contribute a few Karods to the leading party in the ruling coalition. 

At the end of the day, everything has to do with money. No wonder, byaparis become CA members after paying a political party a few Karods. Gangsters become Central Committee Members of a political party because they have the muscles and our politicians can use them to extort our byaparis and also help out during elections. 

We even have folks who have citizenship papers of three countries and have changed political parties every summer so that they can share some of the loot as well.

We have the 'Bibeksheel Nepali' , a party founded by young folks in the valley. Well, they have been doing a good job carrying out protest programs here and there but is that enough? Just holding placards and protesting against bandas won't do much in this land where our police wallahs look the other way while banda wallahs burn taxis and thrash protesters who protest against the bandas! 

The Bibeksheel Nepali can show its strength not by protesting against bandas but by hiring water tankers every day to at least minimize the dust storm in the valley. Yes, collect funds from your well-wishers, family, relatives and yes, our byaparis as well. 

The Bibeksheel wallahs can help the traffic police manage our traffic in the valley. Make the micro bus wallahs stop their buses at the designated parking spot instead on the middle of the street. Yes, and do ask your cadres to at least take mixed-martial arts training as well so that when you protest against the banda wallahs, your folks can defend themselves because our police wallahs won't!

What we need today is an 'activist' party, not another 'empty speech' wallahs who think their words will change this country overnight. We are still waiting to be Singapore but so far our corrupt clowns have worked hard together to make sure that this country turns out to be another 'Somalia' in the near future.

Our Maoists talked about political and social change and we expected a lot from them. Well, maybe our so-called major political parties and our Desi bhais were right. Once our comrades left the jungle and joined the mainstream, they too would turn out to be just another party lusting after power and money. Today, Baidya Ba is still hoping for the final trench warfare with India. Biplab Dai wants to go back to the jungle and we know he won't but his BBQ nataks of burning towers and buses help to extort money from our telecom, media and other businesses as well. 

Dr Baburam decided to stop wearing the 'Mao' brand and started his own party. His 'Naya Shakti' seems to be going nowhere. Dr Saheb is our former Prime Monster and he will get all the security, vehicle and chiya kharcha from the State for the rest of his life.  

Karishma Manandhar will continue to host the 'Holi Party' with her hubby every year till they are seventy. And for the rest of the folks who joined the Naya Shakti to change Nepal will have to either get back to work, find a new job or just quit politics and start thinking about providing a better future for themselves and their families. 

And now, we have Rabindra Mishra who has quit his high-paying job as head of BBC Nepali Service to start his own political party. Here in this land, we have lazy bums who have no jobs and only know how to spew venom, join political parties or start their own in hopes of making some dough. But in the case of Rabindra dai, we have a person who has decided to quit his job that pays him lakhs of Rupees so that he can be a full-time politician! 

Either the guy is crazy, or is suffering from mid-life crisis at 50 or really wants to devote his time to participate in the 'Political Olympics' of Nepal where his chances of winning the gold is as rare as our Nepali team winning the real 'Olympic Gold'. But we must start somewhere and let us all wish Rabindra Dai and his team best of luck. 

How far will his 'Sajha' Party go? Well, we don't know yet but if Mishra can at least provide some solutions to solve some of our problems then he will do better in politics than the two other parties that seem to be going nowhere. 

And of course, politics is not easy in this land where policies and vision don't matter while only muscle and money help to stay in power. Mishra should just start by mobilizing his party members to help keep this valley clean and then slowly work to clean the system that is ruining this land. 

And it’s time our byaparis start their own 'capitalist' party as well. Binod Chaudhary tells us he is worth a billion dollars. A ten percent of that could fund a new political party without having to worry about extorting others for funding and who knows it might for once help to bring real changes to this land?

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Long Live King Kamal !

Kamal Thapa, our great Mandaley is now back on the kurchi as our Deputy Prime Monster. We must all ask Kamal Dai to give us his astrologer's number. Maybe his fortune teller can read our charts as well and tell us if we are as lucky as our Mandaleys! 

Kamal Dai seems to be friends with everyone. Our great comedian Oli had him as his Deputy Prime Monster and now our Emperor has welcomed to his incompetent cabinet as well. Why not make him permanent and just give him a ministerial portfolio for life. 

Yes, just choose one where you can make the most moolah and continue to support any party that seeks support from others to continue to stay in power.

Thapa is probably the fittest politician in the country. He plays tennis and if there was a boxing match between our chor netas, he would probably win the title every year. But things have changed now. If we had still followed our traditions then our marathon runners would be Kings every other year. 

Kamal Dai is not afraid of anyone. He continues to run around the country telling us that he wants to bring 'Lord Vishnu' back and make Nepal great again by making this land  'Hindu Kingdom' again. And if it is scary that he could one day be our Nepali 'Trump'. 

But of course he won't have to deal with so-called illegal aliens, maybe a few hundred or a thousand but he might go a step further and deport some of our own folks who do not agree with his views.

The former King Gyanu Uncle is busy visiting temples while the new King Kamal Dai is enjoying the power game. Welcome to New Nepal where Mandaleys seem to have all the fun while our Maoists and Madhesi netas seem to be confused on what to do next to win back the votes in the next election.

Kamal Dai heads the fourth largest party in the House. And don't be surprised if he wins more than half the PR seats in the next general election. And then one day, he will even become our Prime Monster. 

Our Emperor seems to have forgotten how he got to power.  While Kamal Dai knows very well that even though he was part of the Panchey Rule and then the 'Gyanu Uncle' rule, he will continue to enjoy the loot as our major political parties will continue to need his party's support to stay in power.

Kamal Dai and his fellow 'mandaley's voted against our Emperor during the prime ministerial election in August. But in politics, friends become foes and enemies become lovers. When Gyanu Uncle was the man, Kamal Dai was our Home Minister. If this was any other country, Kamal Dai would be in jail for helping the previous regime to kill protesters. 

But this is Nepal and we are Nepalese and we seem to easily forgive and forget. Kamal Dai voted against the then House' decision to declare this country a Republic. Kamal Dai still insists that we have no choice but to go back to the Stone Age where we worship one King while his courtiers have all the fun. 

Gyanu Uncle has no one to blame but himself. He should have only taken a token One Rupee from the State when he was our King and should have contributed most of his earnings from stocks and investment to the welfare of the public. 

But of course, he should not have gathered himself with the worst bunch of advisers ever. But it's all gone now and the best thing for him to do is to start his own political party instead and stand up for election instead of hoping Kamal Dai and his crew will get him back to the throne!

Kamal Dai's party the RPP tells us that it decided to join the government so that we will have elections on time and the constitution will be finally implemented and make us all happy. But the truth is that Kamal Dai gets to be our DPM and local development minister. 

Our government tells us that it will be doling out around Rs 7.4 billion Rupees to local units soon. And Kamal Dai will get some of that as well and share the loot with those in the ruling coalition. 

That's how our political parties run the show and as long as there is money to be made, the right wing and the left will continue to be in the same bed! Maybe what Nepal's need is a party that stands on the center, a pro-capitalist party rather than our so-called communist, socialist and other opportunist parasites! 

After all, we all want to make a few Rupees so that we can take care of our families. We do not need a communist state and we don't want a welfare state because we are proud Nepalis. We do not enjoy free lunch except our netas and civil servants who seem to enjoy everything that will help drain the state coffers!

Baburam has his party and now Rabindra Mishra tells us that he will head a new party. Let us wish Rabindra dai all the luck but in a way, we feel sorry for him because this is the land where you need more money and more muscles so that you can create more problems for the people while you make deals with all other chors to come into power and enjoy the loot.

Yes, before we had the King and his courtiers enjoying the loot and now its our contractors, civil servants, con artists and cadres and corrupt clowns who get to share the loot. 

Maybe someday, it will be the other way round where common folks have all the fun while all the chors are in jail, their property confiscated and their near and dear ones can finally work for a living instead of enjoying the loot! 

If we are once again a Kingdom then only Kamal Thapa and his near and dear ones get to loot us all. And even though RPP cadres think that they too will get to join in the fun, the reality is that Kamal Dai and his brother will have all the fun while their cadres will have nothing to do except stand in the sun and wait for King Kamal to pass by!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Invest and Lose

Let us all congratulate our incompetent government for organizing the ‘Nepal Investment Summit’ in hopes of attracting foreign investors in our land. Our Emperor tells us that our Nepal government will do everything possible to attract foreign investment in this land. 

But that’s only half of the story. This is what happens when our politicians become comedians while the real comedians are out there helping those in need.

Our man in Baluwatar should have told the truth to the bideshis present at the summit. The government of Nepal and the civil servants will then do everything possible to make sure that foreign investors fail to make any profit or even if they do then make it difficult to take their dough back to their homeland. 

And of course, we have the trade unions, mundrey gundas and local netas who will do everything possible to extort the bidhesis or make it difficult to begin their projects until they dole out the chiya kharcha. And our civil servants will not sign the papers or approve anything unless they receive their pocket money as well.

Yes, foreigners will pledge billions of Rupees in investment but we all know that not even a percent of those pledged will amount to real investment in the future. Bideshis are not stupid. We are. 

Whenever we see a bideshi, we open our homes, invite them for dinner and even offer them free room and board regardless of our economic status. But the Bideshis only want one thing. Can this country offer them any opportunity to make a quick buck? 

Well, they appreciate the free lunch we offer but at the end of the day, they care more about their self-interest and personal gain. And that’s how the world is and our government should first help its own people instead of wasting our taxpayers money on organizing such events that really amount to nothing. 

Our incompetent government should promote small businesses first. Yes, give tax breaks to our entrepreneurs who invest their life savings to start a business, employ a dozen people and hopes to make a little bit of profit to take care of their families. 

But that’s not the case. Here, anybody who starts a business becomes a target for our civil servants, trade unions and mundreys. Our factories have closed due to labor problems and lack of resources and infrastructure. Our fertile lands have turned into concrete homes and we continue to import billions of Rupees in food products from across the border. 

We are losing our farms because we do not have enough manpower since most of our youth go abroad to make a few Dinars more. And yet the government doesn’t care and if that’s the trend then in the next twenty years, we will buying everything from our chimekis. Our hard earned remittance money will go to pay them for food, clothes and everything else.

The Desi Finance Minister was in town and he tells us that we can utilize our natural resources to develop our land. I think instead of telling us what we already know, Jaitley Chacha should have told our corrupt politicians that it is because of them that our country has not been able to use its own natural resources to bring prosperity to this land.

Our politicians look at China and India and they see our chimekis as someone who can be counted upon for funds and support to win elections, form government or topple the government. Our politicians should at least spend a month across the borders and really see what the Chinese and the Desis are doing when it comes to building infrastructure and attracting foreign investment in their lands.

Our Emperor tells us that the private sector will flourish once there is political stability in the country. Yes, we the people have been waiting for our political parties to get their act together and steer this country in the right direction. But it’s not happening and it will not happen until the people finally wake up and so no to Bandas and destruction of public and private property by mundreys and cadres affiliated to our political parties. 

Our netas are not committed and do not have the courage to end the political deadlock. They can’t even stick to their promises because they know that they need the bandas and daang doong to show their strength to the other political parties. Yes, make our lives miserable while you play the power game!

Our politicians tell the bideshis that we are an open economy and we do want foreign investment badly. The top loafers of our three major political parties think that just by saying that they will not create obstacles to foreign investors to  invest in our land will bring hordes of bideshis with their boras of cash to this country. But that’s not possible and won’t happen. 

It doesn’t matter who invests in this land, be it bidhesis or our folks who are making some dough abroad or those of us who are here, who somehow have some money due to inheritance, or savings or by getting chiya kharcha from all over the place. 

Our politicial parties should find a transparent way of raising their funds instead of targeting both local and foreign-owned businesses to meet their expenses to fight elections or take care of their cadres. 

Our Emperor tells us that he is surprised that our nation is poor despite having such huge natural and human resources. He can’t seem to find any answers on why our chimekis are doing good while we seem to have nothing to be proud of. Well, the answer my friend is blowing in the wind or the dust storm in the valley. 

We have no one to blame but our politicians and civil servants who for their own self-interest to take care of their own families have ruined the lives of millions of us and instead of building better infrastructure in this land have only built mansions for themselves. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com