Nobel for Oli

Our national comedian masquerading as our Prime Monster could win the Nobel Peace Prize next year if he can ask the Desis and the Paks to calm down and finally work on a deal to end all conflicts in the region. Yes, it’s about time our netas focused on global issues than domestic ones because we know that our clowns are not going to do any good for this country except help the contractors get richer and pocket commissions from them. 

And our netas all love bideshis especially their funds and support even though they claim otherwise. If a Korean Cult can hand out cash prize and medals then why not the Nobel Committee as well?

Kashmir has always been a sensitive issue for both countries. And some day, we should not be surprised if our chimekis start throwing nukes at each other over Kashmir. But let’s hope that it won’t be in our lifetime and when the nukes do hit the fan then our country would be rich enough to build underground nuke-friendly bunkers for all citizens. 

Yes, we are actually surrounded by nukified countries and either we should also start our own nuclear program or ask the Chinese and Indians to help us build bunkers instead of highways. Yes, we have to ask them to compensate for making our neighborhood a dangerous place to live.

It’s funny that India sends talented folks to Amrika to work in the IT and many other sectors while buying fighter planes from Russia. I have no idea what Pakistan sends to Amrika but they have been receiving billions of dollars in aid and fighter planes as well. Our Emperor Prachanda should learn a thing or two about global politics. 

The first rule in world politics is never criticize the United States unless you have nukes or you get your dough from Putin. And with the Indo-Pak conflict, we should just keep our mouth shut but ask the Indians to not use our brothers to fight the Pakistanis. But of course, our netas make a big issue about the British recruiting our folks but even our comrades have forgotten most of their 40-point demand so they seem to have no problem with India recruiting our folks in their army. 

I think it’s about time we pulled back our folks from foreign armies and police force and instead work out a plan with the UN wallahs to form a rapid reaction force of half a million Nepali folks to be deployed to any conflict zone on Earth and bring peace to the world and of course a few more dollars for the families of those working for peace.

North Korea can call Trump names because they have some home-made nukes and we could have hosted the Trump-Kim Summit instead of Vietnam or Singapore. Why not have Trump and Kim come to Nepal and have coffee at Everest Base Camp or climb Everest together? After all, it’s not that hard to climb the tallest mountain in the world when our Sherpas do all the hard work and risk their lives for a few lakhs while trekking companies both domestic and foreign make a ton more.

Well, we failed to get Trump and Kim but we should not lose hope. We have a conflict right here in our backyard and this is the best time for us to step in and invite Modi and Imran to Kathmandu. Then they can go to Everest and spend a day or two there and work out their differences. 

But the Indian media seems to be the worst in the world and once again they have shown that most of the folks working in TV over there are stupid warmongers who would put the FOX TV and the right-wing conservative media wallahs in Amrika to shame. I think folks who want to go to war over anything should be the first one to be sent to the frontline. 

Then they will realize that war is not pretty. We have seen how bad the Indian media wallahs are when they were here during the earthquake.  At least, our media wallahs are peaceful folks and keep quiet even when Biplab dai and his comrades go on a bombing spree across the country. 

Now is the time for Oli to be a real neta and put his mark in the SAARC region. 

Pick up the phone and call Modi and tell him that you know that he is going to win again. Pick up the phone and call Imran and tell him that we have Sandeep and a few balls here as well. 

And then ask both of them to visit our country for high tea and then have the greatest photo-op in the world by hugging both leaders like you will never let them go. And then Oli might get the Nobel Peace Prize next year. Yes, Go Oli Ba!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

A Year of Oli!

First of all, let us congratulate our Prime Monster Oli Ba for completing his one year in office the second time around. Oli tells us that his government has laid a solid foundation for prosperity in our land. 

Yes, so far in the past one year, the only folks who have been prosperous are our civil servants, contractors, cadres and other con artists while the common folks have become poorer. We, the people now have to pay more taxes so that we can feed the loafers in our wards, municipalities, provinces and the free loaders in our federal parliament as well. 

We thought our local representatives would do good for the people but our elected officials at the local, provincial and federal levels are more interested to waste our taxpayers money on luxury vehicles and to other perks to satisfy their greed. 

Our Oli government claims to be zero tolerance on corruption but in reality, we now see corruption at its max. Oli tells us that his government is like no other in history of this land. Yes, he is right. This is the government that wants to ban peaceful assembly, freedom of speech, religion and many other basic rights of a Nepali citizen. 

Yes, banning porn is a good thing but banning our right to express our opinion is not. And if this government has its way then we will not be able to use Facebook or Twitter in the near future. You don’t have to go to North Korea. We are the ‘new’ North Korea but of course without the fake Marlboros, fake dollars and home-made nukes. 

So what has the Oli government achieved in the past one year? Well, if we were to believe Oli then we are heading to be the most peaceful and prosperous land on Earth but in reality, we the people have nothing to be happy about. When it comes to law and order, our police wallahs have failed to do their job. We are still waiting for justice for Nirmala. We still don’t know who stole the 33kg gold? 

But the Oli government doesn’t care about petty stuff. It wants to shift the Police Academy to make way for helipads for our President. It wants to move the folks at Social Welfare Council and make way for our Vice President to read newspapers and do some sun bathing. We cannot blame Vice President. He is a nice man. Even when he was sick, he wanted to carry out his medical treatment here at home unlike our other VVIPs who go to foreign lands and waste millions of Rupees from the national coffer.

Oli needs to relax and stick to one-liners and make us laugh with his comedy instead of going after his critics and thinking that those who may differ from his views are all members of the opposition or paid by foreign hands. We were not the ones fooled by a Korean Christian cult. Instead, invite the Pope although we do not have enough Catholics to fill up a stadium in this land, it will at least help us to get more tourists to visit our country. 

We all know that our politicians use  byaparis to make their black money into legal white money but our CIAA can’t go after the corrupt netas. The commissioners themselves are corrupt. I think our media wallahs should do a report on the CIAA which has become the agency to collect bribes from civil servants and contractors to let them go free. 

We expected Oli to be our Mandela but it seems that he wants to be a “Maduro” and even our Emperor is not happy that the Amrikis are not happy with Maduro. I think someone needs to remind our Emperor that global politics is not like one back home where you can speak anything you like and get away with it. Trump is already watching and you don’t want to piss off the most powerful person on Earth for now. And where is the outrage when the Amriki President calls our country “Nipple”?. 

So, the best way to protest against Trump’s insult to our nation is by organizing a BBQ festival in front of the Amriki Embassy and offer free sekuwas to the Amrikis inside. After all, it’s not their fault that their President has no idea where Nepal is. 

A year and half to go and then it will be the time for our Emperor to have his share of fun. But anything can happen in Nepali politics and who knows, our greatest communist party on Earth might break up and Oli might finish a full term as our PM. 

Oli tells us that we will get the ships to our land before the trains but valley residents are still waiting for the paani from Melamchi. It was supposed to come last Dashain and with the way things are going, it will not come this Dashain either.

After all this is the land where development projects go nowhere because our civil servants and clowns demand bribes at every stage of the project and we the people suffer miserably. Let us not blame Oli or our communists alone. Our congressis were no better and neither are the netas from the Madhesi and other fringe parties as well. We seem to get worst bunch of pickpockets in politics. 

And we have no choice but to wait until the next federal elections to make it right. Maybe, Naya Shakti should unite with all other small fishes out there and go after the big sharks. And we could give them a chance as well to lead Nepal. After all, we have given these chors three decades and we are still a mess.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Mafia 1 KC 0

First of all, let us congratulate our greatest communist party on Earth for showing us their two-third majority to pass the Medical Mafia Bill through both houses. Yes, finally it took our communist lads to show us that politicians are in it for the money and not to help the weak, poor and the needy. We never expected the communists to be such real-life losers that they would do anything to make a few byaparis richer while making us poor poorer. 

Yes, this country is being run not by our politicians and bureaucrats but by mafia. We have mafia in every sector in ths land. Be it transport or medical or food or fuel. Consumers are fleeced, contractors are rich and our civil servants and corrupt clowns feed off these mafia wallahs.

Even former Health Minister Gagan Thapa could do nothing but just shout out loud for a day or two and it seems that this communist government is hell bent on wiping out our Congressis not only from the political scene but any hospitals and roads and what not. Yes, first begin with the hospitals then highways and eventually from all walks of life. 

Don’t be surprised if we don’t get to watch any boxing matches organized in the name of Late Ganesh Man Singh. So if you want to organize any event and get funds from this Oli government then do so in the name of Lenin and Marx and even Man Mohan or Madan Bhandari but never do it in the name of BP, GP but KP is fine!

At the end of the day, our Oli government is not a communist but a truly wild capitalist party that will help only byaparis to make some dough in this land while the rest of the folks can go to hell. 

Our comrades claim to be working for the people but the reality is that this government wants to stop the people from exercising their right to peaceful assembly and freedom of speech and now, we will have no choice but to allow byaparis to open as many medical schools as possible and produce many doctors, some of them whom will get entrance to the medical schools because of money and not because of merit. 

Our Oli government has finally proven that Dr KC is nothing but a clown and his hunger strikes don’t matter at all. Let us not feel bad for the doctor who has staged more than a dozen hunger strikes so far and each time, the then government managed to persuade the crazy doctor to withdraw his strike promising to fulfill his demands. 

And as always, our government never fulfilled the promises made and now we have no choice but to be happy that our byaparis will get open as many medical schools in the valley and make tons of money while giving the share of the student fees to our netas and civil servants. 

It’s really sad to see former Chief Justices, educators and civil society leaders come out in support of Dr KC but it made no difference to the netas of our ruling parties. I think we now need to change our approach when it comes to going to war with our government. 

After all money talks and hunger strike walks.  Maybe, we should all get together and raise funds so that we can pay off our netas to pass Bills that help the people instead. Yes, that’s right. We need a powerful civil organization that lobbies for the rights of the people and the only we seem to actually pass such Bills is that we raise enough money to beat the cash offered by our byaparis. 

Yes, Dhurmus Suntali Foundation is doing a good job but it takes two comedians to show us that it is possible to carry out good works in this land. The comedians have promised us an international cricket stadium in three years for less than three billion Rupees. If our incompetent government had come up with this plan, it would cost us taxpayers thirty billion and probably three decades before the government gave us the stadium. 

Isn’t it ironic that comedians in this land want to help the poor and the needy and now wants to help the sport of Cricket whereas our politicians want to be comedians and crack jokes all day while doing nothing but making sure that contractors and con artists make money in this land while common folks get no help from the government?

Once again, let us congratulate our Oli government for passing the Medical Mafia Bill. Now, Dr KC should go home and rest. Our Nepal Medical Association wallahs should stop carrying out strikes as well. Instead, our doctors should boycott our politicians. Let them hire foreign doctors and go to them for checkups instead. After all, our politicians travel abroad for medical treatment. 

I think we should all get together and demand either free medical treatment abroad for all of us Nepalis like our politicians or we should stop them from flying to foreign lands for simple checkups at the expense of the taxpayers. 

Dr KC may have failed to save us from the medical mafia but I think he should just ask our so-called to netas to sign on a piece of paper that promises to never go abroad for medical treatment and seek help here instead so that our politicians can then talk the talk and walk the walk for good.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com