A Trillion Rupee Budget!

Our Finance Minister has tabled the budget for the coming fiscal year and it's nothing new but the same old hisab kitab which makes no sense at all. We can only be proud of ourselves when our government manages to balance its books and hopefully show a surplus someday. Until then, we will be borrowing from our own and the bideshis to run the country while the debt piles up. 

I think it's about time we remind our incompetent government that unless we focus on infrastructure, we are not going anywhere.  And it's about time we got rid of our shady contractors and maybe give all the highway projects to the Army. After all, it seems that our Nepal Army will one day be the richest organization in town like in Egypt if it gets all the government contracts to build roads, hydropower and many more projects down the road.  

It's difficult for us to understand why the government is willing to spend Rs 45 billion on defence while the Ministry of women, children and senior citizen gets less than two billion Rupees. The Ministry of Youth and Sports gets around Rs 4 billion. This just shows that our politicians do not think that children, youth, women and senior citizens matter in this land. And they seem to be eager to please our Army Generals. 

Maybe, our netas know something that we don't and maybe we should just hand over all our hospitals, schools and even transportation businesses to the Army as well. Maybe, they will do a better job than the byaparis.  And we are not really going to go to war against the Chinese or the Indians anytime soon.  If Mohan Baidya was in Baluwatar than we would certainly be at war with India. Yet, our soldiers don’t  get enough ration and have to live in huts while our Generals get to have the fun. 

It's not only with the Army but we see the same nataks in other security agencies as well. The only difference is that our IGPs can go to jail while no one can touch the Army Generals. Let's hope that one day, the Army will finally be under civilian control. Well, our President is the commander in chief but who really controls the Army?

Let us not talk much about our President. She thinks it's okay to pardon convicted murderers.  So let us not expect all those human rights violators from both the state and then rebel forces to face the music anytime soon. Maybe, we should just blame Deuba for all the mess and punish him instead.

Our government tells us that we will manage to bring in 2 million tourists in the next two years. Yes, with the only international airport, let us not even expect a million and we don’t think we will be done with building our international airports in Bhairahawa and Pokhara by 2020.  

Forget Nijgadh! Maybe, we should promote skydiving so that international airlines don't need to land, just open the door up there and ask your passengers to parachute down to the TIA! Maybe then we will get mostly adventurous tourists who are also willing to spend hundreds of dollars in this land of ours rather than the usual bhukka tourists we seem to get most of the time. 

Our Finance Minister tells us that the country will witness an ambitious economic growth of 8 percent this coming year. Yes, it is possible because we have much smarter folks working at our ministries than the dumb ones at the World Bank, ADB and the IMF! After all, you have to be a local to figure out the math in your own land. 

As usual, our MPs will get Rs 40 million for the constituency infrastructure development fund. Well, they won't get to pocket it all but will have their say on where the money goes. And the dough will go to their cousins and cadres for their pet projects. 

Young entrepreneurs should be happy that the government is willing to provide loan of Rs 7 lakhs at 5% interest if you place your academic certificates as collateral. But you will have to know someone in the office to get the loan and they will probably ask for chiya kharcha as well. 

And if you have just returned from working overseas, you can apply for loan up to Rs 1 million if you can convince our sarkari hakims that you will use your skills in the country. We all know that those with real useful skills will not get the loans while the near and dear ones of our netas and cadres will get it in a jiffy.

Our government tells us that it will manage to increase its revenue growth by 33%. Many of our experts tell us that it is not possible but it will be if we can also tax all chiya kharcha in this land. Yes, for one time, let us grant amnesty to all those with black money like Oli suggested a long time ago. Maybe, we can pay our country's debt at one go if that happens. After all, we seem to have already granted amnesty to all those who did their thing during the so-called civil war.

Like all previous governments, this one too says that it will create jobs, increase productivity and make us prosperous. I think it's about time our government focused on making us self-sufficient in food and not in cement and iron rods. We can't eat cement and we are tired of spending billions of Rupees buying rice, dal and masu from our chimekis. 

Maybe, our government should really ask the experts on how to take care of the poor, unemployed and the old instead of promising us the moon and then providing peanuts in the budget for the common folks. And as usual, our government spends more than a billion US dollar on education. Our kids in public schools don't even get textbooks on time while most of the public school teachers bunk school and still get paid.  That’s how it is in our Republic!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Rich Wives, Poor Husbands!

Let us all thank our man Oli and his courtiers for letting us know about how much gold, land and other stuff they own as if it will make us feel better to know that most of our mantris are rich folks and will not engage in corruption to enrich themselves further.  Our government tells us that they have a zero tolerance policy against corruption. We must remind them that they can tell us funny stories when Gai Jatra is around the corner.

If we were to believe that our civil servants and netas have stopped taking commissions from our byaparis and boras of cash from our sarkari folks for promotions and lucrative postings then we should also believe our PM's dream of making our country a heaven in a decade. 

No one who has been to heaven has come back to tell us what it's like but it must be a place where no bribes are needed, no syndicate nataks in all businesses and where the common hardworking law-abiding folks are respected and live better lives than the corrupt evil doers. Yes, we are all allowed to dream and hope that our dreams will come true some day but as a Prime Minister, we want a doer not only a dreamer.

Our Transport Minister Raghubir Mahaseth is the richest mantri in Oli's cabinet. And we should not be jealous of this man. After all, his last name already tells us the whole story.  As usual, most of our mantris like most of our netas and civil servants, have their land and gold in the name of their wives. 

Mahaseth also has more than 40 Karods invested in stocks in the country. I think Nepal Stock Exchange should make him their brand ambassador  as well. If a mantri has so much faith in our stock market then we should also join in and invest our hard-earned money in stocks and let the big players manipulate the market and make a killing while we lose our life savings. 

We must thank all those rich father-in-laws who supported their daughters' marriage to poor, starving then political activists or sarkari folks. Or maybe they knew that someday, these poor  young men would become mantris and hakim sahebs and make Karods of cash.  Karods is nothing in this land. We see mundrey dons driving around in luxury vehicles. It seems that our politicians are the godfathers and they can get away with everything. 

No wonder, our Emperor is known to have invested in hundreds of businesses and real estate in this land.  Yes, after all, those who wanted to change the system are now part of the corrupt system. This country will continue to witness intense looting of state coffer and resources by the thulo mancheys till we go broke and have nothing left. Maybe then, we will rise up and finally get rid of our blood sucking parasites.

It seems that our politicians do love gold as much as the common folks. The only difference is that they can buy kilos of gold with their illegal money while common folks have to work hard for years to buy a tola of gold. And talking about gold, our smugglers have made a fortune and so have our police wallahs, civil servants and our netas. 

Gorey is not the kingpin. If our government is really serious to take action against those leading the gold smuggling racket then many of our politicians, hakim sahebs and police wallahs will be in jail instead of only the small fishes. 

Anything illegal in such massive scale can be done only with the blessings of our politicians. We all know that except our courts and our police. It's about time, somebody was brave enough to expose our chors instead of just keeping quiet and spending their time in jail to protect the big sharks.

Our PM also has 18 tolas of gold and nearly half a Karod cash in the bank.  In three years since his last submission of property details, Oli has managed to buy three tolas of gold and has parked more than forty five lakhs in the bank. If you want to know how to save money then you can learn a thing or two from Oli. 

After all, the man doesn’t have to pay for his medical expenses, vehicle and security and other nataks as well. It's good to be a thulo manchey in this land.

Our man Lal Babu Pandit has an old rusty cycle but also has lots of cash and land as well. Our Home Minister has even listed two dogs in his asset list. And our Energy Minister doesn’t have any land or house in the valley. And the man was our Finance Minister once.  And our two women ministers seem to have a lot less than our other mantris. 

Yes, not all of our politicians are rich people but it is very hard for us to believe that most of them will not take kickbacks from our con artists. How the sytem works in this land is that thulo mancheys do not need to go out and beg for cash. 

Their personal aides (PAs) or staff below them will collect the cash and distribute it to all those concerned. So if Oli really wants to end corruption in this land then all personal aides of our politicians should be asked to come to Singha Durbar and hand in their black books. 

Our political parties only want to make hard cold cash. They do not care about the people. Our mantris have to make cash from their ministries through promotions, commissions from contractors and inflated bills so that they can at least give half of their illegal money to their parties and then keep half for themselves. 

That's how our system works and no politicians or political parties dare try to reform the system because if they did then they would be broke and then you can't win elections and become mantris to make tons of moolah from other chors. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

The 'New' Communists

Let us congratulate Oli and Prachanda for finally merging their two parties to create a big fat Communist party in the country. Yes, it took them seven months of chiya guff, whiskey talk and what not to finally get their thulo mancheys together to agree to create the biggest left party in the nation. 

And let's hope that we will finally have free education, free healthcare and lots of freebies from our communist government. But our communists are fake and most of them have invested in schools and hospitals and in the transportation sector. So let us not expect our communists to act like communists because they are just capitalists wearing the 'communist' tag.

The UML needed the Maoists to take control of the parliament and our Emperor knew very well that he had to tag along with the UML to be relevant and continue to enjoy power.  

That's politics and if the UML had not started their fling with the Maoists then Sher Bahadur Deuba would have been our Prime Monster for a few years and then Prachanda would enjoy his stay in Baluwatar as well. It seems that Prachanda will be around for a while and continue to enjoy his power, whiskey and mint some more dough along the way.

Oli and Prachanda tells us that the UML and the Maoist Center no longer exist and we now have the Nepal Communist Party to lead us to prosperity. Biplab Dai will continue to do his voluntary donation or will bomb your gate nataks for a while. I think the new party should just call him for lunch and make him a mantri. After all, Nepali politics is all about money and has nothing to do with serving the people at all. 

The new party now has two chairperson and other seven folks in the central secretariat and has four folks who have lived in Baluwatar.  Our comrades tell us that all properties owned by the two parties will now be transferred to the new party.  

If our comrades were real communists then they should also transfer all properties and cash made from illegal means while in power to the party itself. Then, the Nepal Communist Party (NCP) will probably be the richest political party not only in Nepal but also in the world as well. The party will also have investments in colleges, hospitals, transport, media, cooking gas and even supermarkets as well. 

The comrades will have a 441 central committee members and forty plus standing committee members. There won't be much problem filling up the central committee slots as they already have the same number of folks in their old central committees but it would be interesting to see how they will manage the standing committee quota. It's not easy to make everyone happy.

The NCP tells us that they are all about people's democracy and socialism but in practice our comrades and all other political clowns from other political parties do not care about the people and only engage in crony capitalism to enrich themselves, their cousins and their cadres.

Our Emperor tells us that the merger of two parties is like formation of water, a combination of hydrogen and oxygen. Let us hope they don't add carbon dioxide and make it a carbonated water. We just want plain clean drinking water, comrades!  Our netas have always promised us stability, peace and prosperity. 

We might have political stability for now but many of our folks are still threatened by underground militant outfits in the plains. We also have the Biplab Maoists doing their share of nataks. And prosperity is only for the clowns, civil servants and contractors and not the common folks. 

Prime Minister Oli tells us that the new party is not a tempo but a jet and needs two pilots. But let us not forget that our tempos are environmental friendly and either uses gas or electricity while jumbo jets burn lots of fuel. And let us hope that the two pilots will agree to take off and land the jet as planned and not try to do it their way and screw it up for all of us.

And thanks to our Prime Minister Oli, who has done us all proud by showing us all that no matter how much our politicians bark, at the end of the day, they have no choice but to bow down to the Desi Uncles. 

And it's about time somebody asked the Indian Embassy for an explanation on our 'flag' fiasco as well. Modi came, had some fun and went back home. NaMo and Oli finally laid the foundation stone for the Arun III hydropower project, the same project our comrades had protested against then and the World Bank had decided to withdraw from it more than two decades ago.  

Let us hope that the Desi developers will finish the project on time instead of lingering around for decades and doing nothing. But at the end of the day, we have no one but our own netas and civil servants to blame for all the mess. We can't even spend our own budget on time and then we waste billions of Rupees at the last month of the fiscal year!

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com