Happy Birthday Oli Ba

First of all, let us take a sip of our doodh chiya and give a round of applause to Gokul Dai for resigning from office. Our former Misinformation Mantri can now start writing a weekly column for one of our newspapers since he will have a lot of free time. 

Gokul Dai is not the first mantri to ask for commission from big shady deals. He would have given some of it to his mother party, some to his spouse, some to his near and dear ones and they would all have had some fun with the free illegal money.

Our ward chairpersons around the country are minting money left and right. Our Mayors are making tons of dough from shady contractors. And why are we so surprised by our Mantris asking for some moolah from our byaparis? After all, you have to pay to get the ticket to stand up for election and if you become a mantri, you better bring home some bacon for your mother party or else you will not get to be a mantri again and again. 

Gokul Dai should have known better. Well, I think he was too smart for his own good. If you really want to talk illegal deals then it’s better to not talk it over the phone. Go to Gokarna Forest Resort, have a cup of coffee, walk around the golf course and do your deal. I think our mantris should know better if not then watch some movies about the Italian Mafia in New York.  

Well, John Gotti had to die in prison but there are other Mafia bosses who have managed to stay home because they discuss their deals while on a walk or somewhere else where the chances of being wiretapped or recorded is minimal. After all, our politicians are the mafia dons of today and they should probably watch the ‘Godfather’ series to learn how to act like a Mafia boss instead of acting like pickpockets.

Well, let’s get back to the talk of the town. Oli Ba celebrated his birthday not in some five star resort but back in the village where he was born. Whoever gifted the cake to Oli Ba should be jailed for a year or two for the worst cake design ever. You don’t make a cake of Nepal and then ask the PM to cut it.  

Why not just make a simple cake instead? And why are we so surprised once again by the Yeti folks personally delivering the cake on their own helicopter? Let them have all the fun because it’s their time to make as money as possible as long as these buffoons are in power. 

And don’t worry, they will continue to have fun even if the Congressis or any other coalition government comes to power the next time around. After all, they are byaparis and they will figure out a way to make deals with whoever is in power.

Oli Ba must certainly live in a bubble. We have to feel sorry for ourselves because our PM also has a hearing defect. He doesn’t listen to the people or the press. He listens only to his puppets. If Oli Ba is true to his words then he will hand over the keys to Prachanda soon. Let us hope Prachanda will not celebrate his birthday back in his village and waste millions of our taxpayers money as well.

Oli Ba accuses the opposition, the press and the people for trying to defame his government. He tells us that we are blind and we do not see the prosperity this government has brought but instead we spend our time whining and bitching about corruption and other nataks.

Oli Ba needs to visit an ENT doctor as well. There is a serious problem with his eyesight and hearing as well. Our government is not worried about all the corruption scandals the media reports about because it has the majority in the House. Our government doesn’t care about the people because the ordinary folks cannot pay Karods in commissions to those in power. Our government is probably the most incompetent ever because Oli believes in zero tolerance when it comes to corruption but his courtiers are the most corrupt netas ever. 

Yes, Oli is not a corrupt person. He will not take any ghoos and will not allow his courtiers to take the chiya kharcha either. So, the question is, where did Gokul Dai go wrong? Or is Oli Ba just making fun of the people with his jokes and one-liners and deep inside, he is just another corrupt clown like the rest of them.

We expected a lot from our great communist government. We gave them the majority in hopes of a prosperous Nepal and so far, only our netas and civil servants have fattened their wallets while we, the people see our earnings eaten up by inflation, taxes and chiya kharcha to our hakim sahebs. 

Let us all wish our Oli Ba a very happy Birthday. Instead of wasting millions of Rupees on such birthday natak, our PM should have just asked the Yeti folks to organize a tea party at all of our wards across the country. They would have gladly funded the chiya kharcha after all. 

Let us wish Oli Ba a very Happy Birthday and may he live to be 100 so that he can also travel in our railroads, go on a cruise since will have our own ships and probably by then, we will have our gas lines connected to our homes. Happy Birthday, Mr. Prime Minister. You have done us all proud by such a grand birthday party. Can we get a piece of the cake as well? 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You can contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com.

Badge of Honor

During the Panchey days, it was a badge of honor for our netas of today to be in prison for being courageous enough to fight against the system.  They did suffer a lot and were always in danger of being killed by the State. Today, the story is different. We, the people cannot speak against the same honest netas of yesterday who are now corrupt savages of today. 

Instead, when our courts send our netas to prison, our cadres go crazy as if we are sending a Mahatma Gandhi to prison. And when our netas are released, our cadres go crazy once again as if one of our own had gone to Mars and came back home as a hero.

After all, our national comedian, Oli Ba spent 14 years in the hell hole and when he came out, he was as skinny as one of those marathon runners from the African countries. The good thing about the African marathon runners is that they run for the long run. You need the stamina, endurance and perseverance to last such a long run but Oli Ba and all of our netas today do not think about the long run at all. 

Instead, our netas want to be like Usain Bolt but at least Bolt runs without steroids and has broken all records due to his hard work and training. Our netas want to cut corners and if they were to run the 100 meter dash, they would probably want to take the short cuts instead, like bribing the officials or asking their cadres to pull the legs of other sprinters or even boycott the event itself if they cannot win by any illegal means possible or make deals with other athletes to share the gold medal. Yes, if our netas were Olympians, we would probably have two or three people sharing the gold medal.

Most of our  Congressis and the Communist netas did their stint in our jails as they raised their voice against the Panchayati system. Today, the same netas go to prison once in a while for corruption or attempted rape charges or kidnapping. But the most disturbing thing today is that our netas get a grand welcome from their cadres. Either, we the people are ignorant fools or our cadres have lost their sense of morality.

We have seen our Congressi netas sent to prison and when they came out, they were welcomed by their cadres as if they won the Nobel Peace Prize. And just a few days ago, our great communist leader Mahara Dai was free to go home and get his perks and benefits back as our lawmaker and former Speaker. 

Mahara dai was drunk and yes, he went to meet somebody’s wife when her husband was out of town and something did happen. Well, the court said nothing happened as reported by the media and we believe in our justice system. 

It’s just that our netas and civil servants have made a mockery of our judiciary that when the court orders a politician to be sent to prison, he is seen hanging around with our Prime Ministers for years until finally, he goes to prison and spends a few years and is welcome back with open arms by his netas and cadres.

Mahara and his fellow Maobadis did sacrifice a lot when they waged the so-called People’s War back in the day. Yes, it was very brave of them to wage a war against the State with bharuwa bandooks and eventually even battle it out with our Army. Some of us expected Castro and Che and a new system in place once it was all over but instead we got our own version of Cheech and Chong and we now see our hopes go up in smoke. 

Baburam has failed us all. Dr Saheb, a new party does not mean joining forces with the same old corrupt Madhesi parties. Prachanda has failed us all. Changing partners just to be in power will not make NCP, the greatest communist party on Earth and our supreme leaders will not get any brownie points for his business deals. We expected Prachanda to be our Mandela or even one of those Latin American rebels turned leaders who never forget their roots. 

We expect economic liberalization from our Congressis. We don’t know what to expect from our janjati and Madhesi parties. Rabindra Mishra Dai and Ujjwal Thapa needs to figure out how to compete in Nepali politics with the help of money and muscles. And our greatest communist party on Earth should throw away the ‘Communist Manifesto’ in our polluted Bagmati River and also tear down the posters of dead foreign communist taukeys. Show us your true ‘communist’ color.  

You don’t have to give us liberty or death. Just give us affordable education, health care and sasto organic vegetables and unadulterated food products. Give us something to be happy about when we see our netas instead of cursing at them. Mahara is free and will get back to his role as our lawmaker. Mahara Sir, you were once a teacher. 

Your students are now mantris too and the ‘Ropali’ bunch from Mao Inc. are doing pretty good today. Be a great teacher. We expected a lot from you. Please drink moderately. This is a supposedly a free country. 

Sir,you have been cleared of all charges but, please remember those long ten years of sacrifice you and your party had made in hopes of creating a New Nepal. It’s still not too late. We had seen our Congressis and then UML and their nataks. 

We expected our Maos to do the right thing and they too have failed us miserably. We do not expect anything better even if our janjati and Madhesi parties form a majority government someday. And no, monarchy is not going to make a comeback anytime soon. So, Modi Uncle, do the right thing! At least our so-called leaders listen to you instead of us. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You can contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com.

Cops & Robbers

Nepal Police has a new IGP but the top cop will be in office for barely five months and then he goes home with all the perks that come with being the former head of the police force. This is what happens when our chor netas do not want to amend the 30-year service rule for our police wallahs. If you become the top cop then at least let him or he head the office for three years instead of having IGPs for a year , half a year or 18 months or two years. 

It’s about time our police wallahs gather the courage to tell our netas that if they continue to interfere in promotions, transfers and investigations then Nepal Police will one day just be a government-owned security company for our politicians while the public will have to depend on dons to settle matters of all kinds.

Nepal Police has come a long way since the days of their ‘bora’ dress during the Panchey days to the ‘blue’ we see today. But the police force has not changed a bit. The way our police wallahs deal with the public still remains the same. Use coarse language, laathis and boots and be feared instead of being civil and restraining themselves to regain the public’s trust. 

Nepal Police has a serious image crisis. Maybe, it’s time to hire a PR agency to make our police wallahs more likable. Yes, our police wallahs should learn to smile more often and not be so stuck up as if they are here to only abuse the public. After all, aren’t they sons and daughters of this land? Do they act or speak the same way in their homes and with their relatives?

We all know that the new IGP saheb cannot and will not do much in his five-month tenure at the headquarters. Our politicians will not let him do anything because he is there to fill the space for somebody else who will get to be our top cop for a few years. 

The 30-year service rule has not only affected the police force but we now have IGPs who are promoted from the pool of DIGs. Maybe, we should just scrap the AIG position or follow the army formula of having two senior officers under the Chief saheb. If our netas keep on adding positions at the top then don’t be surprised if you find a DIG heading a police beat soon.  

Competent and honest police officers are rewarded less while those who have connection with our netas and contractors get lucrative posting and faster promotions. That’s how our system has developed over the years and it really needs a collective effort of our IGP, Home Minister and the Home Secretary to reform the police force.

It’s sad to hear about our own Home Minister’s brother facing jail time for his connection with gangsters. We know that Badal dai has nothing to do with it but our netas should tell their near and dear ones that you should not go around having chiya with dons because everyone will be watching the from our own guptachars to RAW to even CIA wallahs.  

Look at the ‘Mahara’ case. I think, the foreign intelligence agencies based in Kathmandu are keeping better track record of the movement of our netas than our own folks.

Nepal Police lacks adequate resources and our government is not doing enough when we compare the funds provided to our Army and the APF wallahs. We hear stories about our police wallahs getting beaten up in villages. Maybe, we need more police personnel outside the valley than in the capital itself. 

Yes, let’s make it mandatory for all our police wallahs to serve in rural and remote areas for at least a year during their service period. We have thousands of police wallahs in the capital to protect our netas and thulo macheys but we have barely a dozen in the mountains because ordinary lives do not matter to our government. 

Look at our how our thulo mancheys roll around Kathandu. A blue bolero with a crazy driver who thinks he is riding a motorcycle and can change lanes as he wishes, with sirens blazing and so-called secret service wannabes waving small red flags as if the VVIP is late for a flight to Mars. 

Then we have the VVIP with tinted windows because he or she is too scared or thinks is too big and important for the public to see his or her face. And then we have the APG wallahs with their black goggles and assault rifles as if they are driving through the dangerous roads outside the Green Zone in Baghdad. How on earth did we end up with these freeloaders? 

Well, Our chor netas have used the police force for their own personal gain and our police officers are not motivated to do the right thing. How can you be an honest police officer when mundrey gundas, slimy contractors and greedy cadres use their network to hamper police investigation?

We cannot blame Sarbendra Khanal for not doing his job. Yes, we had the 33 kg gold smugging kanda. We still have not solved the ‘Nirmala’ murder case. We don’t know if the police did their job or these cases have not been solved due to political interference. 

We thought Khanal would be our ‘Singham’ but I guess he just didn’t have the courage to tell our chor netas that the police academy would stay where it is and not be a helipad for our Madame President. 

So what can our new IGP saheb do in the next five months? Well, he won’t be allowed to touch any tender nataks or promotion because that’s how our mantris and hakim sahebs play the system. And who wants to take any risk for a few months? Look at what happened to former IGP Hem Bahadur Gurung. 

The man headed the police force for less than a year and he had to spend some time in prison for ‘Sudan’ scam.  This is the only country where our IGP sahebs head to prison but our Home Ministers and hakim sahebs at the ministry go home with extra perks. 

Our new IGP saheb can come up with training sessions for all of our police personnel on how to deal with the general public. We, the people do not deal with Prachanda or Oli. Most of us will never meet them in our lifetime. But we deal with our police wallahs every day. 

Our police wallahs should be firm but gentle. Our netas may have forgotten what law and order means but our police wallahs should not.  At the end of the day, we look at our police and see the face of our government. If our police wallahs do the right thing then Oli Ba or whoever is living in Baluwatar can steal the credit. If not, then well, life goes on, we, the people have been suffered so much that we can deal with it.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You can contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com.

Oli and his civilized society

Oli Ba tells us that his government is working hard to create a civilized society and he wants all of us to be responsible citizens and not wild savages who rant on social media against corruption and misuse of power by our thulo mancheys. 

But the question is who really are the savages, us, the people who seem to find it difficult to even buy onions and garlic or those buffoons in power who spend billions of our taxpayers money on their own near and dear ones?

The only thing common between our ruling netas and Trump Dai from the United States is their hatred towards the media. Our patrakars have been working their ass off writing stories about corruption everywhere from fake VAT bill wallahs to chors selling government land everywhere but these stories seem to have no effect on our chor netas and civil servants. 

We all know that our civil servants don’t approve major deals anywhere without getting their chiya kharcha and some of it goes to our netas and their chamchas as well. 

The ‘Airbus’ chiya kharcha is not a big deal for our politicians and civil servants. We all know that all companies be it foreign or domestic cannot get such deals without paying ghoos to our thulo mancheys. 

Our media wallahs have been writing about the ‘Yeti’ scandal but our government continues to defend such deals and instead blames us for trying to poke our nose in their businesses.

Our thulo mancheys lack even an ounce of conscience and they think that it is their right to loot us all. As usual, it’s our civil servants and IGP sahebs who go to jail for corruption while our netas get away with everything. 

We all know that the ‘Sudan’ Kanda could not have taken place without the approval of then Home Minister, the PM and his daughter but only our IGP sahebs get to play cards inside Dillibazar whereas Sujata Auntie and Krishna Dai are happy eating  doodh chiya at home.

We read stories about Min Bahadur Gurung buying government land. We read stories about his supermarket evading taxes in Karods. But if we really do follow the money then we won’t be surprised to know that most of the evaded tax money do end up in the hands of our netas. 

No wonder, our byaparis are not worried even when the media publishes stories about their shady deals with our netas. They know very well that as long as their friends are in power, they are untouchable. 

Let us get back to the ‘Civilized’ society.  Our netas are foul-mouthed, crude and corrupt savages. We, the people are honest, hardworking and patient fools. Oli Ba wants us to bow to him and his fellow mini Maharajas when they speak. Yes, that’s what he told our patrkars at Baluwatar recently. 

Oli Ba and our two former comrade Prime Ministers Jhallu Baba and MaKuNe Uncle even managed to do a photo-op with sarangis and flute as if they know how to play our traditional musical instruments. 

Oli Ba wants to be our Pied Piper and we, his rats so that we will follow him to his own version of the promised land. With triple taxes, inflation, corruption, pollution and total disregard to the rule of law, our netas and civil servants are milking the system while we have to empty our wallets and even take loans from loan sharks to feed our families.

It’s time for Oli Ba to take a rest and leave the Kurchi to our Emperor. Yes, let our great comrade, the new Shree Tin move into Baluwatar and do his dance routine for a while. I think our netas need to know that their lack of vision is taking this country down the drain. 

Our Emperor also needs to know that his ‘ten year’ natak has only helped himself, his near and dear ones while the ‘real’ rebel soldiers who fought against the State are driving our microbuses, digging ditches in the Middle East and have received no help from the ‘mother’ party. 

The funds meant for the former combatants were misused by our Emperor and his cronies but of course, the CIAA only goes after the small fishes while the big sharks continue to loot us over and over again.

So, dear netas, do not teach us anything about freedom, democracy, good governance and well, don’t preach what you buffoons don’t even practice. Freedom means our netas are free to loot us all. For the people, freedom means keeping our mouth shut and not criticizing the government. 

Democracy is all about allowing our political parties to fight elections by using illegal money from contractors, con artists and foreign hands. For us, it means exercising our right to vote by electing the same bunch of thieves over and over again. Good governance is about transferring and promoting civil servants for boras of cash and for us, it means, handing out chiya kharcha to our hakim sahebs to get our work done at government offices.

I think it’s time we write to the people at Oxford English Dictionary to change the definitions of many words that seem to completely contradict what our netas and civil servants have been doing all these day.  When they take about peace and stability, our netas instead divide this country into pieces and each want a piece of the pie when it comes to our State funds. 

Yes, we have a stable government filled with comrades from two communist parties who tell us they are one but still continue to show us their natak by using the ‘quota’ system. I think it’s time for the media to up their game and show our netas the reason it’s called the Fourth Estate. 

It’s time our patrakars go together and show their strength to change the way this country is governed by our pickpockets. Our netas need to realize that our media has not crossed the limit but it is the other way around. 

Our netas have crossed all limits possible when it comes to destroying this beautiful land.  They cannot change overnight because if they do, then they will be out of power, cash and all the freebies that comes with being a thulo manchey.  

Our forefathers built beautiful temples, squares and what not. They were civilized folks. Today, we are ignorant fools being ruled by crooked criminals. So let us call it a ‘crooked society’ instead.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You can contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com.