Gifts from India

First of all, let us congratulate India for celebrating its 71st Republic Day with all the usual tadak-bhadak that comes with hosting a parade. I think our government should also do the same and not confine the usual Republic Day program inside Tundikhel. 

Our netas and Nepal Army should celebrate all parades out on the streets. Let us all stand by the sidewalks and clap, wave our flags and enjoy the parades outside Tundikhel. Why not host the celebration along the Ring Road route?  

We can all be part of the celebration instead of just wasting taxpayers money on gathering so-called VVIPs and foreign dignitaries to show them the same old natak every year? I think we should just do one parade a year. Let us not celebrate Democracy Day, Ghode Jatra, Shiva Ratri, Republic Day and many more in Tundikhel. 

Let’s just celebrate one day and call it a ‘Nepal Day’.  The government should then invite all of us for tea parties. Our local wards can host the tea party for its residents. Yes, for once, give us something back for the taxes we pay. A cup of tea and biskoot will make us happy. We are not asking for more like the near and dear ones of our chor netas.

We are lucky that we do not have to celebrate Independence Day like all the former colonies of the commonwealth out there. But maybe time will come when we finally get the chance to celebrate our own independence from our good for nothing netas. No, monarchy will not be making a comeback soon. 

If the House of Shah really wants us to remember them then Gyanu Uncle should just write a check for 100 Karods and give it to all the local wards in the country. Then he can ask our politicians to do the same with their illegal money. That’s how you win the hearts and minds of the people. Well, having fun at LOD also helps to show us that he is just one of us unlike our netas who are now our Shree Tins.

India gives us gifts all year round but when it’ time to celebrate the Indian Republic Day,  the Desis give us buses, ambulances and books. Our poor government needs to tell the Indian Embassy that it’s time to lift the level of gifts the Desis hand out during their Republic Day. 

This year, India gave us 36 ambulances, six buses and tons of books to our social and educational institutions all over the country. Giving us ambulances and books for our libraries will not really help much. 

Well, it helps to take care of the sick and elderly and our kids will get to read new books apart from their textbooks but our government should be the ones providing free education and health care to its citizens and not be happy to receive ambulances and books as usual. 

India has so far given more than 700 ambulances to social organizations in all 77 districts whereas our own government has not even provided adequate medicine and human resources to our health posts across the country. Our government can spend billions paying their cadres for medical treatment and so-called bhattas but can’t afford any money to provide ambulances to all our local units. 

Dear netas, we are not beggars. Yes, we are happy to get free gifts but why can’t our own government fund such small things and ask for big gifts instead. Let us not just be happy with ambulances.

If India really wants to help then, it can fund all our health posts in rural areas. Well, we have to share everything with our chimekis. India can fund the health posts from the plains to the hills while we can get Chinese money for the health posts from the hills to the mountains. 

And what about Amriki money? Well, it’s just sad that our netas do not want dollars because then the US Army will bring in their military and we will lose our country but we are happy to take our samosa and dumpling money for everything.

We have lost the cultural war with India. Our kids now learn Hindi thanks to Motu Patlu. Our youngsters follow South East Asian pop culture. And our civil servants and netas take chiya kharcha from our chimekis but they think the Amriki money will make us sell our souls to the devil. Maybe, we should just take fake Marlboros, fake dollars and fake nukes from the North Koreans instead. 

Don’t be surprised to know that most of the kids and cousins of our communist and congressi and even Madhesi and Janjati netas live in the West, be it US, UK, Australia or other European  countries. I think we should ask these countries to deport them back to Nepal and then they can go to Cuba, Iran, North Korea and Venezuela instead. 

Yes, be a true communist, socialist or whatever you call yourself. Maybe it’s time for Nepal to have a capitalist party as well. Where are our byaparis. Throw away your fake VAT bills, stop funding our chor netas and instead open a political party with the profits made after paying the actual taxes.

If India really wants to help then it should not carry out blockades and give our exporters a hard time at the border. If India is really committed to partner with us towards socio-economic development of Nepal then it should not create obstacles when it comes to our trade with third countries. 

Give us a break. Yes, Modi Uncle, gift us like 100,000 electric buses so that all our public transport will use them and we will save quite a lot in purchasing fuel from India. India can partner with our universities and open our own version of IITs and IIMs and medical schools in all 77 districts so that our youth can also compete in the global stage and make millions more instead of working for peanuts in the Middle East. 

India can open 1,000 vocational schools so that our youth can learn a skill for life which will help them to provide for their families. Let us work together to create skilled labor here instead of just handing out thousands of scholarships of which half goes to the near and dear ones of our chor netas and civil servants. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You can contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com.

Fire in the House

First of all, let us all stand up from our seats and give a standing ovation to our Emperor for being able to still perform magic tricks to show us that he still has the mojo to rule over us for some time. We all know that he is waiting for his turn to spend some time in Baluwatar but until that happens, he will continue to gang up against our dear old Oli Ba who seems to be cornered in a corner in recent days.  

If our Emperor decided to change career and be a businessman instead then he can make trillions instead of billions by making deals left and right and getting every byaparis on board to invest in his crazy schemes. He has the skills to not only make his comrades happy but also cross over and whisper some magic mantra in Deuba’s ears as well. Don’t be surprised if he even decides to hop into bed with the Kangaroos and our Madhesi netas to show us how he can continue to stay in power. 

Let us not feel sorry for Shivamaya Mam because she has already told her story and we have heard it well. We blame Gyanu Uncle and the House of Shah for all the problems in this land but if we were to really listen to Shivamaya then we know that the monarchy is no longer the root of all evil. It is the system that is so corrupt that even though the Ranas left Singha Durbar more than a half century ago, those in power still dream of becoming the ‘Shree Tins’ of today.

Our political game is played by evil old men who will not give any opportunities to women, youth and minorities to lead their parties. Yes, we had a Madhesi President and now we have a Madame President but that doesn’t mean the country is on the right track. 

The former President gets funds worth lakhs of Rupees in a month whereas our Madame President will also get her share once she is out of the office. And our government wants to shift the Police Academy somewhere else so that the President can land her helicopter. How about the shifting the President’s House somewhere else? 

Yes, shift the President’s palace to Dhulikhel and she can take a chopper to Kathmandu. I think we should just shift Singha Durbar to Hetauda instead so that the Province 3 lawmakers can brag more and we can even have Hetadua as our nation’s capital as well. Then they will have fun when all the VVIPs create traffic jams when they are rolling down the street.

Agni Dai is our Speaker of the House. Why are our good for nothing netas only willing to have those who have already tasted power as mantris as our Speakers? Before, it was Mahara and then he messed up because he got a little too tipsy, clumsy and forgot his own morals and forgot that it is not a good idea to covet your neighbor’s wife. 

Let us hope Agni Dai will do his job right and not make a fool of himself like Mahara.  Both headed the ‘Information’ mantralaya once. Let us hope Agni Dai will be different in his role as the Speaker of the House.

Yes, we all know our Maobadis killed people left and right when they were fighting against the State. Even our Emperor has taken responsibility for killing 5,000 people.  And he blames the former King and the State for the rest of those who were killed in the decade long conflict. We all know that the victims from both sides will not get justice any time soon.  

If our thulo mancheys really were equal before the law then Deuba and our Emperor would be sipping bideshi whiskey in Dillibazar not in their durbars.  Thousands of our hakim sahebs, netas and senior security personnel would be in Nakkhu and Central jails. But it’s not going to happen anytime soon.  

Those in power will do everything to continue to provide impunity to the evil doers because they all know that it’s better to band together and save themselves rather than do the right thing.

And the end of the day, we really have to feel sorry for our communists. We expected Oli Ba and our Emperor to be like “Pepe” Mujica, the former President of Uruguay. The man spent 12 years in jail. Our Oli Ba spent 14. Our Emperor is lucky that he got to eat Samosas and Biryani across the border.  

Harry can leave his free money and has choosen to leave the monarchy so that he can be happy with the woman he loves. Our netas will choose free money instead and dream of becoming Kings and will leave their spouses behind if they are offered more. 

So, Dear Tourism Minister, if you really want to promote Nepal this year as the best tourist destination on Earth then just ask Harry and Meghan to leave Canada and come to Nepal. Harry has already been to Nepal before to help us after the earthquake. 

Let us grant him ‘Nepali’ Citizenship and make him our goodwill ambassador. Harry might need a job as well. How about offering him the position of CEO of Nepal Tourism Board once he gets our green passport?

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You can contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com.

Shivamaya for Speaker

It seems that the quota system is not going to go away any day soon as long as our old fogies rule our land from their couches. Our political parties claim to be democratic but its own netas are autocratic losers who favor byaparis and mundrey dons over loyal, hardworking cadres when it comes to distributing tickets to fight elections. Our netas love contractors more than their cadres.

Our netas have destroyed their own political parties so that a few of their near and dear ones can make the moolah and live their lives in luxury while millions of us have to go overseas to make a few Dinars and Ringgits. Our netas seem to know that power does not last forever and maybe that's why they are in a hurry to destroy everything while making tons of dough before they run away when the going gets tough.

We were happy when we had our women as the Speaker of the House, as the Chief Justice and as our Madame President. But it seems that our netas do not want women to be in power and are scared of our naaris. Yes, we do have our Madame President but she is busy cutting ribbons and flying around instead of being our guardian. 

Once again, this country has the chance to have a woman lead the House but it seems that Oli Ba and our Emperor want their own courtier as the Speaker. This country is now ruled by our mini-Maharajas who will not stop promoting nepotism and corruption till there is no one to extort from.

It's sad that her own party has asked her to step down. What's wrong with Shivamaya Tumbahanphe? Nothing.  She is probably the most competent person to be our Speaker. She holds a PhD in political science from TU. She has been active in politics for the past four decades. She has been a loyal cadre of her party. But all that is not enough for our old buffoons who like to make deals left and right for everything from justices, ambassadors, government secretaries and more.

Shivamaya is right when she tells our greedy politicians that she does not have to follow any directive from her own party as the parliament is an independent institution. So instead of asking her to resign, our great communist government can field a candidate for the position of the Speaker and then start their own natak. Our communists brag about their majority in the House but it seems that our comrades can't even decide on whom to nominate as their candidate for Speaker.

If our communists really do talk the talk then they should nominate Shivamaya as the candidate for the post of Speaker and let the opposition wallahs get the deputy speaker position. It's that simple but our netas have different priorities. 

Our politicians spend most of their time worrying about how to make that extra 

moolah because they know that they free illegal money will dry up when they are out of their kurchis. 

This country is going down the drain because our netas spend most of their time looking after transfers and lucrative postings for government employees who can hand out boras of cash. They make deals with byaparis for their own self interest while the country goes broke.

Our political parties have failed to comply with the Election Commission’s directive to ensure 33 percent representation of women in the central committee of their parties. I think it's time our women leaders from different political parties joined forced to form their own 'women' party. 

We have seen the Congressis, the Communists and the Madhesis and even the Pancheys and none of them turned out to do any good for this country. It's about time, our mothers, wives, sisters and girlfriends work together to form the first ever 'all-women' political party in this great nation of ours. 

We are tired of old men making our lives miserable. We are tired of political cadres making millions while our villages now have only senior citizens and babies while the youth go to foreign lands in hopes of providing for their families. We are sick and tired of massive loot committed by those in power.

Therefore, it is now high time, our ladies show our old fogies who really rule the world. It's about time all of our Nepali women leaders, students, activists, housewives and all seriously think about forming a political party to take Nepal to greater heights. And let's just make one exception. Let us not have Sujata Auntie in the new political party.  She's already done enough and we know her level of competency. 

We, men have failed miserably and even though our communists talked about equality and women empowerment, they have failed to walk the walk and have shown us their true colors after all. It's time women showed us the way and take us to the promised land because our men have failed to throw away the patriarchal mindset prevalent not only in politics but in society itself.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Speak No Evil

Our incompetent government has been busy trying to bring out laws that curtail our rights as citizens of this beautiful land. They want to take land owned by private guthis while they collect peanuts from tenants occupying public guthi land. They do not have any problem leasing out government land to byaparis for few million Rupees when they know very well that the government could earn billions instead if they invited everyone to bid for such leases. 

Our great communist government wants us to shut up and look the other way while they engage in massive corruption everywhere. We have the ‘Yeti’ as our mascot for Visit Nepal 2020. 

Maybe, we should just make ‘Yeti Airlines’ our national carrier and just hand over the Nepal Airlines planes to these guys. Why not just hand over the Narayanhiti Palace Museum to the same folks and they can run the ‘Yeti Hotel’ in the middle of the city? Why not just rename our country to “Yetiland’ as well?

Why are our politicians and civil servants only interested to fill up their pockets while emptying the national coffer and bankrupting this country? Now, the story of the security printing press is making rounds in the media. 

Once again, it’s the ‘Yeti’ folks who will make tons of money while they set aside billions of Rupees in commission to our netas and hakim sahebs. It seems that the only thing trending in Nepal these days is the business deals of the ‘Yeti’ folks and of course our Tourism Minister Yogesh Dai. 

Byaparis all over the world make tons of money by using their political connections. The Guptas had fun for a while when Zuma was in power in South Africa. We all know how the Ambanis made their money back in the day and continue to do so because they are tight with whoever is in power. That’s how the big businesses do their nataks. 

But the ‘Yeti’ folks seem to be everywhere and don’t be surprised if their name comes up in any big government deals with foreign companies while Oli is living in Baluwatar. If Oli had his way then this whole country would be leased to the ‘Yeti’ folks.

Maybe, our colleges should have a course for our MBA students on how to use your political connections to grab deals left and right to grow your business. If only our politicians and civil servants were honest and believed in good governance then they would be promoting meritocracy, transparency and accountability and not focus on nepotism, corruption and shady deals that only benefit those in power and their near and dear ones.

Now, this government wants to push the  ‘Information Technology Bill’ to curtail our rights to freedom of expression. If this bill is passed then you could spend five years in prison and pay a fine up to Rs 1.5 million if you post any content on social media that our thulo mancheys think harm our country’s sovereignty, security and other nataks.

Our government wants bideshi social media companies to register in Nepal if they want to continue to provide services to Nepalis.  So if Facebook ignores our government’s nataks then we will no longer be using Facebook soon. And the same goes for Twitter and all other social media sites. Then, we can just hang around chiya pasals and rant.

I think our government has forgotten that we do have the world’s best constitution and we will not be the best if the government keeps on forcing laws that bans freedom of speech, right to assembly and other rights enshrined in the constitution.

We should remind our thulo mancheys who are in power that they are not going to be running this country forever. Next time around, folks will be voting for the Congressis not because they are better but because we just want to give the other chors another chance to loot us again. 

Yes, let’s make Deuba our Prime Monster for the fifth time so that his astrologer can get a hefty bonus and at least our poor lawmakers can get their own helicopter. Yes, Pajero is old school now. And then those in the opposition can stay home because, the law bans public assembly, freedom of speech and other fundamental rights of a citizen. 

Our netas should understand that the same laws that they want to roll us over with will one day come back to haunt them as well. We are a democratic country and we elect our politicians to rip us all off. We are not a one-party government or a dictatorship yet.  

Yes, we can all dream but dreaming of a totalitarian regime didn’t work for those in power before and it’s not going to happen again and our netas should not forget that every political transition in this land has happened due to the backing of our chimeki. It is because of our netas that bideshis get to play their cards here and we have no one but to blame our evildoers for all the problems in this land.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com