RAW MEAT

This is the only country in the world where an intelligence chief from a foreign land meets with our politicians for lunch, tea and cocktail dinner and except for the media , nobody really makes any noise about such guff suff. What would happen if the CIA chief went to Canada and met with the politicians there or if the guy from Mossad went to Lebanon and met with netas there or the Russians met with the British politicians for fish and chips? 

It doesn’t matter who meets with our politicians. You can just come up with guff like an award ceremony with a gold medal and cash prize and even our Prime Minister will be more than eager to attend and be the award recipient himself.  

Our netas will not be getting the Nobel Prize any time soon but if somebody can come up with a fake award and add one more letter ‘l’ and make it the No Bell Prize then even our Tourism Board might fund it with a million dollar or two.

We, the people know very well that our political game is refereed most of the time by the lads and a few ladies in Delhi. Our Emperor meets with the RAW chief and they must have talked about the time when our senior executives of Mao Inc. were living in Delhi and enjoying the chai and samosas there. 

Most of our rebel soldiers are now either working in the Middle East or doing their stuff back home as civilians while most of the so-called netas are now billionaires and enjoying the capitalist lifestyle to the fullest.

I think it’s time our netas acted less like juvenile delinuqents and more like leaders. Our chor netas tell us that we should be happy that we now have a democratic system and this beautiful nation of ours is a Republic but they don’t practice the same principles when they run their own political parties. 

Our netas act more like dictators and they only care about themselves and their cousins and don’t really worry about the future of their own political party or the future of our children and the country. In a decade or two, nobody is really going to remember Girija or Oli or Prachanda but we will still be talking about Ganesh Man, Krishna Prasad, Madan Bhandari and even Man Mohan Adhikari. 

Why? Well, Ganesh Man and Krishna Prasad Bajey will also be remembered for not being power hungry. Ganesh Man could have been the PM after the so-called democracy movement of the 90s. He didn’t. Krishna Prasad Bajey may have liked paan and whiskey but didn’t really care much about making big bucks while in power. We lost Madan Bhandari early and Man Mohan did a fine job while he was a since then.

I hope our current batch of pick pockets will see the light and at least have a change of heart and start acting like competent leaders and not confused loafers. There is nothing wrong with meeting foreign government officials but there should be a law that bars our politicians from meeting chiefs of foreign intelligence agencies. And it’s about time Modi gather his experts and change the name of RAW. CIA, MI6, Mossad and even ISI sounds intimidating but RAW is more like the fake wrestling shows on TV. 

I think the government of India should come up with a contest to change the name of their intelligence agency. I think the Desis have done enough research and analysis in the past fifty years since its establishment. And our own NID should come up with a better name as well. But the question is why do we even have an intelligence agency of our own when we do not even gather any intelligence on anyone domestic or foreign who might be a threat to our nation’s interest?

Oli went to Costa Rica and did not learn a thing or two about ecotourism there. If he had done some homework then our Tourism Board would be promoting our land like they do theirs and not focus on hawatari nataks like inviting Bollywood clowns for an award show here. 

And while in Costa Rica, Oli Ba could have learned a thing or two about how a country can survive without a national army like they have been doing for the past 70 years. It’s about time we seriously think about Nepal Army and the Armed Police Force. Send these two security agencies to the UN as their own rapid reaction force while we provide much needed human and technical resources to our Nepal Police to do their job right.

Our Home Minister tells us that rape is nothing new or even something to worry about. It has been going on in the past, and will continue tomorrow as well. Nepal Police can solve crimes without much resources except for the Nirmala Rape case and the 33 kg Gold because someone with connections with our thulo mancheys are involved in both of these cases. 

Our Home Minister and IGP Saheb if they have any conscience at all should resign today. Dear Ram Dai, you are the Home Minister now and do you want to do the same thing that the then Deuba government did with your cadres with the help of Nepal Police or do you want to reform the police force and make them professional or use them as private security guards and sharp shooters? 

Dear IGP Saheb, how can you not take a stand against our chor netas when they want to vacate the Police Academy to make way for extra heli space for our President? Nepal Police is the only institution in Nepal where they can’t even protect or respect their own former officers and constables alike. 

It is the only institution that will drag former IGPs to court and jail as if these men who once headed their institution are street thugs and will even go after senior officers who are still serving like they did to Nawaraj Silwal then where junior officers want to manhandle the seniors.  

We all talk bad about Nepal Police but it is our politicians and sarkari hakims who have made this once proud institution a big joke. Maybe we should follow the Desi ‘IPS’ model for our police wallahs. 

Not all Indian stuff or master plan are bad or dangerous for our land. When it comes to schools, let us follow the IIT model and the same with government hospitals like AIIMS. And let us tell the Desi spies to not visit our land for guff suff but send their best coaches instead so that one day we could be in the Cricket World Cup as well.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Monsoon Maladies

Our national comedian turned Prime Monster tells us that he himself doesn’t know what’s happening in the country. If only Oli Ba was active in social media then he would have known everything that’s going around in our land. Maybe he needs to hire Kulman Dai at Baluwatar so that our PM will no longer be in the dark because there seems to be a serious case of load shedding there.

Oli has changed from a great proverb teller to a slimy fortune teller and by the time he leaves Baluwatar, he will be known as the man who didn’t even know himself.  

Oli tells us that it’s time to evaluate the performance of his courtiers but it’s also time for Oli to evaluate himself and give himself a failing grade for not doing anything for this country so far. Oli can do us proud if he announces a mission to a black hole with all our netas and high-ranking civil servants inside the spacecraft.

Our politicians from both left and the right and the center have shown that at the end of the day, no matter how much you talk good or bad about your chimeki, the Indian Ambassador will put you in place with one letter or a phone call or a gift or a luncheon or just plain threats. 

Maybe, we should also call up the Ambassador and ask him to help us to help our netas to be on the right track. After all, our thulo mancheys do not listen to anyone except from the folks from Lazimpat.

That has been our ‘game of thrones’ for the past seventy years ever since the Desis invited our Ranas and the rest of us to sign the deal. From then on, we have been signing so many deals with each other that when the opportunity comes to make a little bit of extra dough, the deal will be broken and the country suffers again. 

We should learn a thing or two from the Desis. At least their government looks out for its citizens and helps to protect its businesses. It would be better if we could have a third party to test products from both countries just to be on the safe side but the most important thing is for a government to protect its people and property.

Our government has time and again destroyed our own industries and has forced the young people to migrate to foreign lands to make a few more Dinars. Our civil servants and clowns who sit in the House have looted this country and they will not hesitate to leave this land if they are in trouble.

Every monsoon begins the development season in Nepal where our contractors are all busy paving our roads, digging ditches, building bridges and carrying out many other bikasey karyakrams. We, the people just whine and then have no choice but to walk on the hilo roads. 

Our potholes are large enough to swallow our motorcycles and mancheys. But our Mayors don’t care at all. The Mayor in Kathmandu has already given up on his promises. He just wants to finish his term, make tons of moolah and probably retire in Australia. Maybe, he can build a Dharahara there with his ill-gotten money.

It’s ironic that our government tells the Desis that we won’t allow their veggies in our land unless it’s tested for all the harmful chemicals but we don’t even have the resources to carry out the tests. We cannot blame our chimekis for their veggies, buffaloes and fuel and all the stuff that helps to widen the trade deficit. We have to blame our government for doing nothing to help our own farmers and the young folks in this land. 

Our youth are overseas and we don’t have enough folks to work in our farm lands. We have been importing ten times more veggies and food products from India compared to what we imported a decade ago. Our trade deficit has also grown ten times more and our government doesn’t have a plan to minimize the deficit. In the next decade, we might be importing everything from our chimekis.

Every Monsoon, our capital turns into mini-Venice without the boats. At least, the government could do us a favor if it provided rain coats and gumboots to all of us at subsidized rates because we all won’t be getting red carpet treatment on hilo roads lilke Oli does when he visits TU. 

We blame our mantris for not doing their job. Our mantris blame the government agencies for not doing their job. Our civil servants instead blame the contractors for not doing their job. And the contractors blame us for not allowing them to do their job. So, at the end of the day, we , the people are to blamed for all the problems in this land. 

Our politicians have it worse than us. We only have to feed our families with our paycheck. Our politicians have to feed their cousins and cadres with the nation’s paycheck. 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com